出场角色[]
- Cartman
- Stan
- Kyle
- Butters
- Ike
- Quaid
- Jenny
- Boy
- Mr. Mackey
- Ms. Blaze
- Randy Marsh
- Sharon Marsh
- Towelie
- Nelson
- Clerk
- Joe
- Patron
- Bodybuilder
- Vape Dealer
- Vape Rep
- Vaping Man
剧本[]
| 麻烟风云 | |
| South Park Elementary, day. Another day, another shooting. Mr. Mackey sits in his office talking to the Marshes. Shelley has her arms crossed and looks away. | |
| Allright, thanks for comin' in today to discuss your daughter's behavior, m'kay? | |
| Exactly what kind of trouble is Shelley in, Mr. Mackey? | |
| Well, unfortunately, we found out our playground monitor has been accepting favors to look the other way at recess, and uh, your daughter sent him an inappropriate picture. Of her butthole. M'kay? | |
| Her butthole?? [to Shelley] Shelley! [back to Mackey] Why would the recess monitor want a picture of my daughter's butthole?! | |
| We've been havin' a lot of issues at the school with kids vaping lately and, uh, they bribe the recess monitor however they can. | |
| Jesus Christ, how much worse can things get around here?! | |
| Uhkay, let- uh, the, there is good news, m'kay? We had the picture analyzed and it turns out it was actually just a picture of a dog's butthole, m'kay [holds up a real-life picture of a dog's butthole], that your daughter claimed was hers. M'kay, there it is, a little fur right there. [smiles] | |
| The ride home. Randy is at the wheel. Nelson is in the car behind him, and there's a third car behind them. | |
| Seriously?! Dog's butthole?! That's what we're doin' now, hun?! There's not enough bad things in the world, we get called into school, "Here's a dog's butthole for ya." That's what it's all come to, Shelley?! [they stop at a red light] I'm over it, Sharon. [a long intro begins to play] I am seriously over it. Don't you just wanna start over? Go back to simpler times? | |
| Whattaya mean? | |
| I've had it. School shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get out of here. Go buy a farm and live off the land. | |
| Are you being serious? | |
| Never been more serious. | |
| [honks his horm] Hey, the light's green! | |
| [looks out the window] Shut up, Nelson! [turns to Sharon] Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like hard work and 'tegridy. | |
| How will we make a living? | |
| By growing things and, and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time. | |
| As the following song plays, the following occurs onscreen: Randy sells the house and the family drives away. The family arrives at its new farm. The camera pans to show the countryside. Randy starts harvesting the hemp that's already there. Next, he sifts out the hemp from the leaves, then he's printing out "100% Hemp" shirts, then showing the hemp to his family. Next, he's harvesting more hemp, watering the crop, and getting hemp milk out of some hemp. He makes some hemp cookies for the family. Later he's drying stalks of marihuana plants in the barn. Next, he seeds the field with marijuana seeds, then growing some hemp in a greenhouse. Later, he spritzes water on some leaves, then he writes up a list of nouns and adjectives on a chalkboard outside. Next, the camera pans to the left showing some farm names: Golden Mary's Kush Farm, John & Judy Cannabis Acres, High Valley Marijuana Farms (Organic), and then Randy's farm, Tegrity Farms | |
[slow start] This ol' world is getting to me. There's just no trust, no 'tegridy. | |
| South Park Elementary, day. The four boys walk down the hallway | |
| [to Stan] So just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything? | |
| Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess. | |
| Why would your sister wanna get addicted to those things? | |
| Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle. | |
| What are you talking about? | |
| You didn't know? The Kindergartners are like the biggest vapers at this school. | |
| The sandlot, day. The kindergartners have their own little piece of heaven on the school playground. Five of them are in there, two of them on the sand, three others seated on a bench on the edge of the sandlot. Kyle sits between the other two and blows some smoke | |
| [with bulldozer] Vroom, vroom. I am a truck! | |
| [with an action figure and a sand castle] Watch out for the monster. | |
| Ike! Ike, do you have a vaping pen?! | |
| Nope. [blows some more smooke] | |
| Dude! Gimme that! [takes it from Ike] | |
| Hey, gimme back my vaporizer! | |
| What is this? [reads the label] Cherry-flavored nicotine. [turns around] Are you joking?! | |
| Oh, come on! All the kids are doing it. | |
| [whips out her vaporizer] Yeah, I like lemon flavor. | |
| [whips out his vaporizer] I like raspberry. | |
| Why do you want nicotine?! | |
| Do you know how hard it is being a kindergartner? We need a break sometimes. | |
| These things are bad for you! Do you understand?! Bad kindergartners! | |
| Relax, bitch. [sniffs his vaping pen] Try some gummy bear surprise. [blows some of it in Kyle's face, making Kyle cough] | |
| [tapes the vaporizer from Kyle] All right, where'd you guys get these?! | |
| Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is on his tractor growing through his crop. He stops and takes a swig of his Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then notices a neighboring farmer | |
| Mornin' Joe? How's the farmin'? | |
| Doin' good, neighbor! Just planted some Purple Skunky Kush. Harvested the Super Hindu Haze last week. | |
| Well that's fine, Joe, just fine. I'm growin' some Green Willy Stranger myself. And the Catatonic Tegridy Bud is takin' well. | |
| Well, see ya 'round, neighbor! | |
| So long, Joe! | |
| South Park Elementary, recess. The boys walk through the playground | |
| Kindergartners said it's some bid kid in a trench coat. [notices a kid on a snow drift] Hey look! [a shot of the boy standing in the sun, so they can't make out who it is] | |
| That's gotta be him. | |
| What are you gonna do? | |
| I'm gonna tell him if he sells a vape pen to my brother again, I'm gonna kick his ass! [marches towards the boy. The other follow] HEY YOU! [theboy turns around and steps off the drift. It's...] | |
| Oh, hey fellas! | |
| Butters? | |
| What are you guys doing? | |
| Butters, are you selling vapes? | |
| Why sure! Whatcha lookin' for? [opensn his overcoat to reveal what he has] I've got strawberry, vanilla, tropical passion... | |
| WHAT?! | |
| Tropical passion. It's like mango and kiwi. | |
| Butters, do you understand this stuff is an epidemic in our school?! | |
| Hyeah, and at five bucks a pop we're gonna be rich! | |
| [steps forward] Butters, this is for Kyle. [punches him hrad] | |
| Egh. [falls to one side and his vape pens fall out of his jacket] Uhuwah. | |
| Tegridy Farms, the living room. Randy puts a pot plant on a small table. | |
| Randy, I think we need to have a talk. | |
| No time to talk, the agricultural inspector's about to drop by. Once we get certified from him, we can start sellin' like a real farm. [approaches Sharon] Have patience, wife. Soon our fortunes will change. [someone knocks on the door] Oh, that must be him now! [goes to answer it] | |
| Yes, I'm with the State testin' board? Is this uh, [checks his notepad] Tegridy Farms? | |
| Name is right there on the sign. Come on back! [moments later, Towelie has set up his equipment and is ready to evaluate] | |
| So with this Vestin device, I can check not only the THC levels in your product but also detect any impurities and give you a final score based on overall chemical makeup. [readings are 43:4, 23:8] Yep. That's good shit. Now let me test the levels in your organic house blend. [readings are 59:4, 55:2. Skeptically, Sharon folds her arms] Yep. That's good shit. [walks away unimpressed.] | |
| Now, what about the Tegridy Jungle Bud? | |
| Let's test it out. [samples it, breathing deeply. Readings are 42:0, 76:2] Whoa. | |
| Yeah? | |
| Whoa. | |
| Yeeahh?! | |
| I don't know what Tegridy is, but... that is some good shit! | |
| All right! | |
| South Park elementary, boys room. Cartman is in the stall taking a crap.He's typing something into his phone | |
| Five, $5, $5 footlong. [the boys room door is kicked open, then the stall door is kicked open] Butters | |
| Why'd you punch me, Eric?! | |
| I had to! | |
| I thought we were partners! | |
| Butters, next time when Kyle walks up to you and says "Are you selling vape stuff," you say "No, I am not, Kyle." | |
| You punched me in the face! | |
| Butters. we have to be extra-cautious right now, or else we're- hang on, hang on. [strains to poop] Hang on. Hang on. [a nugget manages to drop] Ahhh! [gets off the seat] Okay, we have to be extra-cautious, Butters. The whole operation is in a period of transition. [pulls his pants up and flushes the toilet.] | |
| Well what's that supposed to mean?! | |
| In case you haven't noticed, we're falling behind. We haven't sold enough product to pay off our overhead. The people I bought from are on my ass! Everything costs money, Kyle. The pens, the juice, even that jacket I got you. [as they walk to the restroom door, they pass Kyle and don't notice he's there] We can't start getting sloppy now. Do you understand? | |
| Well, I don't know how this means you can go and punch me in the face- | |
| Everything will make sense, Butters. I told you. [shows him out] Just stick with the plan, okay? [closes the door and acknowledges Kyle] Did you know that vaping is way healthier than smoking cigarettes? | |
| Tegridy Farms, day. The family is seated at table for the meal. | |
| [serving the meal] All right, everyone! Who's ready for some farm-to-table supper?! [gives bowls to Shelley and Stan] We've got some hemp milk here, hemp oil and vinegar bruschetta, some hemp-seed tabouli. And guess what the napkins are made from? [a car horn sounds outside] Oh, wonder who that could be? [gets up to check. The driver gets out of his car and approaches the farmhouse.] Howdy. What can I do ya for? | |
| Is this Teh-gridy Farms? | |
| Yeah, name's right there on the sign. | |
| Our company is interested in your product. We'd like to do some business with you. | |
| Really? Hey, that'd be great. What kind of company- [stops himself when he notices the man vaping] | |
| We're one of the top vape companies in the state. We'd like to add your product to our line. | |
| [chuckles] Oh no, sorry. I don't want my Tegridy Bud put in those pussy sticks. | |
| Pussy sticks? | |
| Yeah, you know. Penis pens, wussy vape, lady joints. Not on my farm, no sirree. | |
| You got a problem with vaping? It's cleaner and healthier than traditional smoking! | |
| That's nice. Now how's about you take that pussy stick and get off my farm before I shove it up your ass and you're blowin' mist out hour butthole? | |
| All right. [leaves. Before getting in his car, turns around and says] You can be a part of progress or you can get run over by it. | |
| Yeah, whatever. All you're doin' is blowin' smoke. Sorry, "fruity steam." Pussy. | |
| What happened to your accent? | |
| Go vape some more, ya fuckin' puss! | |
| [goes to the driver-side door] You'll be sorry! [gets in and backs out] | |
| South Park Elementary, day, main office. A new receptionist is on the job. Kyle walks in and talks to her. | |
| I need to speak with the principal. | |
| Okay, what is it regarding? | |
| I'd rather just talk to him. | |
| Right through there. You're second in line. [Kyle walks further in and sees Butters and Cartman seated, waiting to see PC Principal as well. They lower their papers to see him] | |
| Oh, hey Kyle. | |
| Hi, Kyle! | |
| What are you up to? | |
| You know what I'm up to! [walks up to the principal's door.] | |
| [hops off the chair and stops him] Okay, cool, but come check this out. This is really cool. | |
| Don't touch me! | |
| Just come- no, just come see. [takes him by the hand and takes him away. Butters follows them] | |
| Don't- touch me! | |
| This is really cool. [the three of them leave the office and stand in the hallway] You know, Kyle, people all need a way to relax. And there's no proof that vaping is that bad for you. | |
| You're selling it to kindergartners! | |
| Kindergartners need a break too, Kyle! | |
| You know they took away their nap time. | |
| You're such penises! | |
| Would you rather the kindergartners smoke cigarettes? [Kyle folds his arms and is no longer listening.] Would you rather they drank? That's not good! [Kyle turns too go back into the office] Kyle, Kyle, Kyle! Okay, okay! [he and Butters stop Kyle and turn him around] Just please listen, all right? The truth is... we want out. Butters and I thought we could just make some easy money, but you gotta pay off the 6th graders, then you gotta pay off the recess monitor to look the other way. We're in deep, Kyle. Just let us see enough to get out of debt, and we will stop. I swear it. | |
| You're so full of shit. | |
| Come on, Kyle, we all make mistakes. Did you already forget last week? You know... Ronan Farrow was here asking about you. | |
| Ronan Farrow? No he wasn't. | |
| Yes, Kyle! He was right over there! Just please, [Kyle looks over his shoulder to where Cartman said Farrow was] give us two days to make back the money we need to get out from under this. and we will stop. You have my word. | |
| Fine. But no more pushing it on little kids! You got that?! | |
| Okay, I'll focus my marketing on another direction. Thank you, Kyle. [He and Butters leave, and Kyle looks over to that spot again.] | |
| Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is back on the tractor. He stops when he sees the vape rep at Joe's house across the path. The rep hands Joe a check, then turns around and takes a vape as Joe just holds the check. Randy gets off the tractor and walks over to Joe's house just as Joe and his wife are packing to leave the area. | |
| Whatcha doin', Joe? | |
| Oh, hey Randy. We uh, we sold the farm. | |
| Just like that, huh? You gonna let those people with pussy sticks take over everythin'?! | |
| Yeah. They paid us great. My wife and I are gonna move to Maui! | |
| Oh. I hope you didn't pack your tegridy, 'cause clearly, your tegridy ain't goin'. [turns and walks back to his house. He opens the door and walks inside. He notices something crumpled at a corner of the living room] Are you still here?! | |
| Ah I-I didn't know chickens wore suspenders. | |
| Aah! [walks off] | |
| South Park Elementary cafeteria. The students are eating lunch. The main five are seated with Token, Clyde, and Craig. | |
| [yawns loudly] Man, am I feeling tired! All this hard work at school? | |
| Yeah, I wish I had a little pick-me-up! Somethin' fresh and fruity to go with my lunch! | |
| Just stop. It's so obvious what you guys are doing. | |
| [pressing forward] It sounds so great right now! [cups his hands to form a megaphone] Can anyone help with some fun, fruity flavors? [the sound of a wall crumbling in heard. Soon, a wall does crumble and a Vaping Man appears] | |
| Oh yeah! | |
| [quickly stands by the VM] Hey guys! It's the Vaping Man! What are you doing here, Vaping Man? | |
| I'm here to offer my fun, fruity flavors in a refreshing mist. | |
| Vaping? Hey, that's bad for you. Vaping's only for cool kids. | |
| Can I talk to you for a second? | |
| Sure, Kyle. What is this about? | |
| Can I talk to you over here? | |
| Well of course. [they walk far enough away so they're out of earshot of Vaping Man] | |
| What did I say about pushing it on little kids?! | |
| How is this pushing it on little kids, Kyle? | |
| Fun, fruity Vaping Man?! | |
| It's marketing! Kyle, we have to make the money to pay off our dealer. How else are we supposed to do it? | |
| All right, how much do you owe the dealer? | |
| Why? | |
| How much?! | |
| Tegridy Farms, day. Stan is churning hemp milk | |
| Isn't this great, Stan? Livin' off the land? | |
| No, it sucks. I hate this. I wanna go back home. | |
| Well you see that? We're talkin' now. When was the last time we really talked like this? | |
| I hate you so much. | |
| Ithink we're havin' a breakthrough moment. I want to give you somethin', son. Somethin' I made that I want you to have. [goes to get it and brings it back] It's a hemp hat. | |
| No. | |
| Come on, let's just see how it fits. | |
| Pleaes, no. | |
| Here, just-just look. Just try it. [When the hat goes on Stan's head, Spin Doctors - Two Princes plays. Randy removes it and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song resumes] Whoa. [he removes it and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song resumes, and he grins] | |
| Big Vape vaping bar and store. The place is crowded with young progressive people. A big vape dealer is at the counter buying some vaping products. | |
| There you go, and thanks for shoppin' at Big Vape. [the vape dealer leaves] | |
| [on the sidewalk with Kyle and Butters, across the parking lot from the store] That's him. That's my guy. | |
| There you are. You got my money? | |
| [subdued] Kyle? [motions for Kyle to talk to the vape dealer] | |
| Look, my friend is very stupid and should have never gone into business with you. [Cartman and Butters back off] | |
| Who are you? [Butters and Cartman leave] | |
| I'm just seeing if I can help settle things. You probably don't realize it, but vaping is a really big problem at our school. | |
| Look, I'm just filling a job that somebody else would fill, all right? [Cartmand and Butters return with a pink body bag with a body in it.] | |
| Okay, look, this is the money I've saved up from my past three birthdays. Can we call this even and end it? | |
| Aw, come on, man. I don't wanna take your birthday money. [Butters turns and walks away] | |
| Whoa, hay dude! Why is there a dead hooker next to you? | |
| What? | |
| What? | |
| Dude, that is a dead hooker. What are you doing with it?! I'm calling the cops! [whips out his phone.] | |
| You just put that dead hooker there. | |
| Cartman, what are you doing?? | |
| [into the phone] There's a dead hooker at the vape store! | |
| [returns with a crowbar and swings it into the vape dealer's groin] There! [walks away with the crow bar] | |
| [falls over in pain] Ow! | |
| Oh shit! | |
| Get the vaporizers, and the cash! Get the cash, Kyle! | |
| Wha-what? What are you doing?? | |
| Just get the- Oh shit! Ronan Farrow! | |
| WHAT?! | |
| Get the stuff and the cash! Ronan Farrow, Kyle! We've gotta get out of here! [he and Kyle get everything and split] | |
| Tegridy Farms. The marshes are at table, and Randy says grace. | |
| Bless us, Lord, and our little cannabis farm, and may we always keep our tegridy. Amen. [digs into his bowl first] So, how was everyone's day? | |
| Uh, well, not great. Uh, Stan got caught with a vaping pen. | |
| [slams his fist on the table] With a WHAT?! | |
| You know, those little pen and cartridge things with the mist? | |
| Stan had a vape pen?! [to Stan] You had a fucking vaping-?! Get up to your room right now! [Stan gets off his chair and leaves] Way to underreact, Sharon! [leaves the table and walks to Stan's room] Where dod you get this?! | |
| It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner. | |
| Yeah, right! My own son using a pussy stick! Don't you know what these things are doin' to our way of life?! I've had enough! | |
| What are you gonna do? | |
| You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us! | |
| Mr. Mackey's house, day. Kyle knocks at his door. | |
| [opens the door] Oh, hello, Kyle. | |
| Mr. Mackey, I need to talk to you about some things going on at school. | |
| M'okay, like what? | |
| [on the sofa, leans forward] Oh, hi Kyle. | |
| [on the other sofa, leans to his right into view] Hey Kyle! [Kyle is rendered speechless. Cartman and Butters go to the door and stand on either side of Mr. Mackey.] | |
| We were just talking to the counselor about some college opportunities. What are you doing here? | |
| You know what I'm doing here! | |
| Okay, well, we really should talk first, Kyle. | |
| NO. Mr. Mackey, there's a big operation going on at the school | |
| Kyle, things have changed. You need to listen. | |
| Things are getting out of control- | |
| Kyle, listen! You want to hear this! | |
| -and you need to know what's going on! | |
| You need to hear this! | |
| What?! | |
| We'lll be right back, Mr. Mackey. [takes Kyle by the hand and leaves with Butters and Kyle] | |
| Huh okay. [closes the door] | |
| On the sidewalk between two houses | |
| Let go of me! [Cartman lets go] | |
| Kyle, listen. It's bad. | |
| What's bad?! | |
| The guy we tried to frame at the vape shop. He was the one the sixth graders got their shit from. The sixth graders are pissed at us, Kyle! We have to break into the vape shop and steal enough stuff to make the sixth graders happy. | |
| You guys decided to beat up the dealer! | |
| Yeah, but the sixth graders know you were there! | |
| How?! | |
| 'Cause Eric told them! | |
| We are all in this together, Kyle! We gotta rob the vape shop, and then we can put this all behind us. | |
| Please, Kyle! We still gotta pay people off! | |
| [breaks through the wooden fence behind the boys] Oh yeah! Hey bitches! Where's my motherfuckin' money?! | |
| Run! | |
| Aah! | |
| Aah! | |
| Tegridy Farms, day. Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out plays. Rand checks himself out on the mirror in the barn. He puts on the farm's logo shirt. He gets some hemp tape and wraps it around his hands, takes a swig of Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then gets into a fighting stance. He then puts on the hat he made for Stan and "Two Princes" plays again. He leaves the house ready to fight, and Sharon follows him out. She puts her fists on her hips | |
| Randy, where are you going? | |
| [turns around] Gonna go fight for my children's future. [walks away] | |
| Big Vape, night. Randy drives up to it on his tractor and turns the engine off. Randy bares in, and the music and chatter stop | |
| All right, you bunch of vape-smoking' pussies! You try and take my way of life?! Time to show you some tegridy! | |
| Tegridy? What's tegridy? [Randy begins punching his way through the shop as "Two Princes" plays again. "Hyeah! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Owie!"] | |
| [punches through a man] Get your stupid mist out of my fucking face! | |
| Hey! I like to vape. You think I'm a pussy? | |
| Yup! [takes him down in two blows] | |
| Ow! [Randy goes upstairs] | |
| Big Vape attic. The boys are walking among the tanks used for storing the vapors. They stop at one and begin to siphon off the liquid from the tank into a five-gallon jug | |
| Wow! You're so smart to think of a siphon, Kyle! | |
| Just shut up and keep pumping! | |
| What are you kids doing? | |
| Awww, shit! | |
| You little hoodlums break in through the window?! I oughtta break your little legs! | |
| [appears behind him] I don't think so! | |
| Mr. Marsh! | |
| Just what the Sam Hell you boys doin' here?! | |
| All right, listen. I should have talked to an adult from the beginning. | |
| Kyle, what are you doing? | |
| There are these three vaping syndicates at our school- | |
| Kyle? | |
| -and these guys are one of them. | |
| Nononononono. | |
| They had someone buying stuff from here for them, and then they sold it to kids. | |
| Okay, Kyle, I'm calling Ronan Farrow. [takes out his phone and pretends to talk to Farrow] | |
| The sixth graders, these guys, and Becky Thompson are all at each other for control of the playground. | |
| Hello, Ronan? Eric Cartman. Yeah, hey. | |
| I was going to tell an adult, but these guys said they'd stop. | |
| So you know Kyle? Yeah, well, you're right about him. | |
| It's good you came clean, son. It shows that you've got- [the vape rep punches Randy across the face, then continues punching him] | |
| Didn't your mommy teach you it doesn't pay to mess with progress?! | |
| Yeah. She taught me somethin' else too! If you're gonna fight for your tegridy, don't forget to bring a towel. | |
| Vape on this, bitch! [jumps off Randy and wraps himself tightly around the vape rep's head. The vape rep's screams are muffled.] | |
| Yeah! [punches the vape rep across the attic] Take that, stupid vaping! [delivers a knee to the vape rep, sending him into the Tropical Passion tank, making it hiss and squeak. Randy opens the valve, and does the same to the other tanks, sending them all into high pressure.] Move it boys! Come on, go go go! [follows them out the door, but stops first and turns around. He rolls a joint and smokes it, then tosses it into the vape mist. The tanks explode one by one, making the patrons run outside and away from the shop. The explosions eventually blow out the windows. Randy and the boys are the last to leave, so they turn around and watch the destruction.] | |
| Does this mean we're out of the vaping business, fellas? | |
| Tegridy Farms, sunrise | |
It's in you. It's in me. A little somethin' called tegridy. | |
| [with Stan and Towelie on the tractor] Well, shit. Looks like we made it to another sunrise. | |
| Oh God, this is just gonna get worse, isn't it? | |
| Yup son. I think the fight's just startin'. Farmers like us are under attack. | |
| Yupper. We got a lot of work to do. We can't let 'em take what makes us special. | |
| Tegridy Weed, from Tegridy Farms. Made... with a little Colorado tegridy. Comin' soon to a dispensary near you. | |
| End of Tegridy Farms. | |
| 麻烟风云 结束 | |