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==剧本== {{EpisodeScript| {{ScriptScene|Bus Stop.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice.}} {{ScriptScene|A dog walks up to the boys.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hiya, Sparky.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[Looking]'' Who's that?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wow! Cool!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Good boy, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's your boy? Who's your buddy?}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eh. You're making me sick, dude.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.}} {{ScriptDialog|Sylvester|Arrrrrr.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|He's not meaner than Sparky.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Oh yeah? Let's see. Hey, Sylvester!}} {{ScriptScene|Sylvester comes over.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sparky'll kick his ass.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|You're on, dude!}} {{ScriptScene|Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both dogs growl.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass!}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky lunges after Sylvester and out of view. Aggressive panting can be heard. The boys stand there, shocked.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Huh. He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sparky! Bad dog!}} {{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|What?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|What do you mean?}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|That dog is a gay homosexual.}} {{ScriptScene|Stan looks back to study the situation, then...}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|He's just confused.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I think the other dog's the one that's confused.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(No, check his penis.)}} {{ScriptScene|Kyle smiles.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sick, shut up dude!}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky pants happily while Sylvester slinks away.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|<poem>''Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo.''</poem>}} {{ScriptScene|The bus pulls up.}} {{ScriptScene|Football Field, sideline before school.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited, nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against Middle Park.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Who's Middle Park?}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|What's homecoming?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. ''[silence]'' Now, let's start practice.}} {{ScriptScene|Chef blows his whistle, and the kids hit the field.}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Uh, Mr. Chef, sir?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Yes Pip, what is it?}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Well, I still don't have a helmet.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|I know, Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Yes, Pip, I'm afraid it does.}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Sorry son, now get your ass in there.}} {{ScriptScene|Out on the playing field.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut. Hut. Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[impatiently]'' Hike the damn ball!}} {{ScriptScene|Cartman hikes the ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening a major gash on Pip's head.}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Aaaaaaaargh!}} {{ScriptScene|Jimbo and Ned arrive.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Hey, how's practice coming there, Chef?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[distracted]'' Huh? Oh, fine, fine.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park alumni.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Elementary school alumni?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|I don't know. Wha- what's the spread?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Middle Park by 70 points.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Hmmm...}} {{ScriptScene|They look towards the field, where Kenny tackles Cartman, causing him to drop the ball.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|I don't think we have a chance.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. ''[yells]'' Right Stanley?}} {{ScriptScene|Stan turns to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Huh?}} {{ScriptScene|The ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws to Kyle.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Atta boy!}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Great pass, Stan.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie!}} {{ScriptScene|On sideline after practice.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he ''is'' smart.}} {{ScriptDialog|Clyde|Aw, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your- ''[sees Sparky lunge after Rex]'' Sparky, get down!}} {{ScriptDialog|Clyde|Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|There he goes again.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Get down, Sparky! Down!}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.}} {{ScriptDialog|Clyde|Make him stop!}} {{ScriptScene|Rex moves away with his tail between his legs.}} {{ScriptDialog|Rex|Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!}} {{ScriptScene|Fosse and Bill pass by laughing.}} {{ScriptDialog|Fosse|I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.}} {{ScriptDialog|Bill|Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.}} {{ScriptDialog|Fosse|Gay dog.}} {{ScriptScene|The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky walks up panting.}} {{ScriptScene|Mr. Garrison's classroom. Start of school.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|...and so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Thank you for that presentation, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D-.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Ah, dammit!}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hat|Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Um, I'm not really prepared either.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Well, just make something up, like Eric did.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Okay, uh... Asian culture has... plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Excellent. A-.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eeyy!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Wow, cool!}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an A-?}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better because they're better people.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|That's not fair!}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hat|Life isn't fair, kiddo, get used to it.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Stupid puppet.}} {{ScriptScene|Dismissal bell rings.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.}} {{ScriptScene|All students except Stan leave the room.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Well of course Stanley, what is it?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|What's a... homosexual?}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.}} {{ScriptScene|Stan sits.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Stanley, gay people... Well. gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I guess.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk, Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.}} {{ScriptScene|Bus stop. The boys get off the bus.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|You guys see me block that defense today? I was kicking ass.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Shut up, dude!}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky comes up panting with a pink scarf on.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?}} {{ScriptDialog|Sparky|Bark, bark.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Man, that is the gayest dog I have ever seen.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|He just needs some training, that's all. Sit, Sparky.}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky sits.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Good boy, now shake.}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky shakes.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Good boy. Now, don't be gay.}} {{ScriptScene|Stan waits for the command to sink in.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Don't be gay, Spark. Don't be gay.}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Did it work?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I don't know.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|He still looks pretty gay to me.}} {{ScriptDialog|Bill|Huh, huh.}} {{ScriptDialog|Fosse|Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?}} {{ScriptDialog|Bill|Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert. ''[they laugh]'' Stupid little gay dog.}} {{ScriptDialog|Fosse|Gay dog.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Come on you guys, I have an idea.}} {{ScriptScene|Sports Book, Ned and Jimbo enter. Two big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens above show a race as well.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|I want $500 on the South Park Cows.}} {{ScriptDialog|Bookie|Are you crazy?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.}} {{ScriptDialog|Gambler 1|I want to put all my money on the Cows.}} {{ScriptDialog|Gambler 2|Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too if they guarantee it.}} {{ScriptDialog|Gambler 3|Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.}} {{ScriptDialog|Female Gambler 1|I got 500 on the Cows.}} {{ScriptDialog|Female Gambler 2|Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now...}} {{ScriptDialog|Gambler 4|You better be right about this, Jimbo.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Hehe, yeah. Don't- don't worry yourself.}} {{ScriptDialog|Ned|Are you sure Stan is that good?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Not ''that'' sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha- what's the halftime show gonna be?}} {{ScriptDialog|Bookie|You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.}} {{ScriptDialog|Ned|I love that song.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|'Loving You'? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.}} {{ScriptScene|In front of Stan's house, a large crate sits next to the kids.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't-}} {{ScriptScene|Stan notices a pink scarf on Sparky.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!}} {{ScriptScene|He grabs the scarf.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|No pink bandannas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi.}} {{ScriptScene|The crate opens and Fifi, a French poodle, comes out.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Ooh-la-la.}} {{ScriptScene|Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|There he goes!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Atta boy, Spark! Get her!}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky climbs atop Fifi.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yes!}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky pulls Fifi's collar off and into the air, catching it around his neck.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Ah crap! Now what do I do?}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote the sodomies in France.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Like who?}} {{ScriptScene|Inside Stan's house, Jesus and Pals' title screen is on TV.}} {{ScriptDialog|TV Announcer|And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jesus Christ|Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions... Hello caller, you're on the air. ''[Beep.]''}} {{ScriptDialog|Robert|Yeah, is, is this Jesus?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Yes my son.}} {{ScriptDialog|Robert|This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Of course Robert. How are things now?}} {{ScriptDialog|Robert|Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since- I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. ''[Beep.]''}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-}} {{ScriptScene|The station's logo pops up.}} {{ScriptDialog|TV Announcer|That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Damn it!}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|What'd he say?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kick ass!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Come on dude, we have to get to practice.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog!}} {{ScriptScene|Outside, Sparky overhears this.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone.}} {{ScriptScene|On the sideline at practice.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. ''[Music starts.]'' Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! ''[Sinks into the mood.]'' <poem><i>Just like makin' sweet love to the football. Feelin' naughty with the football. Mmmm.</i></poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Uh, Chef?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem>''Spank it, ever so gently.''</poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Chef.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem>''Spank it.''</poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Chef!}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Uh, Mr. Chef sir?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|No um, I guess not.}} {{ScriptScene|Carl's Bombs And Explosives and Accessories.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|What we wanna do here, Carl, is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.}} {{ScriptDialog|Carl|What moment would that be?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.}} {{ScriptDialog|Carl|What high F?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|You know, <poem>''Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... Aaaaah.''</poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Carl|Right, right, so you want the trigger on the ''doo-nn-doo''?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|No, dammit! The ''aaaaah''!}} {{ScriptDialog|Carl|''Aaaaahh''?}} {{ScriptDialog|Ned|''Aaaaahh''.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|''Aaaaahh''!}} {{ScriptDialog|Carl|''Aaaaahh''.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Great.}} {{ScriptDialog|Carl|''Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah''.}} {{ScriptDialog|Ned|''Doo-nn-doo-doo''}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|You got it.}} {{ScriptDialog|Carl|''Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...''}} {{ScriptDialog|Ned|''Aaa - dooo''...}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|''Aaaaahh''!}} {{ScriptDialog|Carl|Alright, yeah, okay...}} {{ScriptScene|On the sideline at practice.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|What's the matter Stan, you seem down.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.}} {{ScriptScene|Coming up to see what's the matter.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|What do you mean?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Well, you're gay aren't you?}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Well, you sure do act like it.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|I just act that way to get chicks, dumbass.}} {{ScriptScene|Chef looks puzzled, wondering.}} {{ScriptScene|On the field.}} {{ScriptScene|Kyle runs up from behind.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|What's the matter dude?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. ''[Stan punches him]'' Ow!}} {{ScriptScene|Snowy mountains. Sparky is trekking through the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle nears him. It's Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al.}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky looks at him.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Have you been outcast?}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky pants an affirmative.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky pants an affirmative.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.}} {{ScriptScene|Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wow, it's been like two days.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I think he might've run away.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Did you check the shopping ma- ''[Stan punches him]'' Ow!}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We'll help you look for him after the game, Stan.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I'm not playing.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|You what?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. ''[leaves]''}} {{ScriptScene|Middle Park Elementary School.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|''[whispering]'' Come on Ned, and keep quiet.}} {{ScriptDialog|Ned|''[louder]'' Okay.}} {{ScriptScene|They climb over the fence and approach the Middle Park mascot, a horse.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Hello there, Enrique.}} {{ScriptDialog|Ned|What are we doing here?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Well Ned, we always kidnap Middle Park's mascot. But this year, we're gonna booby-trap it instead.}} {{ScriptScene|Jimbo puts the bomb on Enrique's back.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", Boom!}} {{ScriptScene|Enrique gets wide-eyed.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|No more Middle Park players.}} {{ScriptScene|Jimbo and Ned laugh, and Enrique starts to tremble.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|God damn, I love football!}} {{ScriptScene|Stan is in the stormy mountains.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?}} {{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary.}} {{ScriptScene|The Middle Park Cowboys exit the bus.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cowboys|Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!}} {{ScriptScene|South Park Football Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear. Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank Hammond|Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.}} {{ScriptScene|Pounds the table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach, looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[between his teeth]'' Oohh, come on, Stan...}} {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|No Pip, I'm sorry!}} {{ScriptScene|Stormy mountains.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sparky! Sparky!}} {{ScriptScene|South Park Football Field, first quarter. The game is about to begin.}} {{ScriptDialog|Referee|Play ball.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|But I never practiced quarterback.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Well it's a little late for that bullcrap now.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broslovski.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Hey hey, where is little Stanley?}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hat|Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Ned, look!}} {{ScriptScene|Middle Park's mascot, Enrique, is shown.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|They've got Enrique on their sidelines, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.}} {{ScriptDialog|Ned|Yay.}} {{ScriptScene|Stan follows his dog's footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Hi little fella, how are you doing today?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Fine, how are you?}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|I'm super, thanks for asking.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|My gay dog ran away and I was wondering if maybe he came here.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Well, let's see. Come on in. ''[they enter]''}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Do you have lots of gay dogs here?}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion.}} {{ScriptDialog|Gay Lion|Rooaar.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Do you like to dance?}} {{ScriptScene|They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail.}} {{ScriptDialog|Vocalist|<poem>''Oww, we can both be gay!''</poem>}} {{ScriptScene|In the huddle. The Cows win the coin toss.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it or something. Ready?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Huddle|Break!}} {{ScriptScene|At the line of scrimmage.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cowboy 1|You guys are toast.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cowboy 2|Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|We'll just see about that.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Set, set.}} {{ScriptScene|Cartman farts long and nasty right into Kyle's face. Kyle quickly retreats.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Damn it Cartman!}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|What's the matter?}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Cartman farted!}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|No I didn't. That was just my shoes.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Come on Kyle. We'll get a delay of game penalty.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|No way dude!}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Hike! The! Ball!}} {{ScriptScene|Kyle is back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Ah, dude, weak.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|That's right, you get back there.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hike!}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Ball snatched! Middle Park blitzes!}} {{ScriptScene|Screaming as Kyle is tackled.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. They run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Hell's bells.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.}} {{ScriptScene|Phil quickly covers the mic.}} {{ScriptDialog|Phil|Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.}} {{ScriptDialog|Townsman 1|We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, heheh.}} {{ScriptScene|Big Gay Al's Big Gay Dance Floor.}} {{ScriptDialog|Vocalist|<poem>''...both be gay.''</poem>}} {{ScriptScene|Stan is dancing with a monkey, then sees Sparky.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?}} {{ScriptDialog|Sparky|Ruff.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.}} {{ScriptDialog|Sparky|Barr.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game.}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky follows Stan.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|We can work on making you not gay together.}} {{ScriptScene|Sparky stops and sits.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sparky?}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Young man, it appears you still don't understand.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|What don't I understand?}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Come this way, I have to show you something.}} {{ScriptScene|South Park Football Field, second quarter.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hut, hut.}} {{ScriptScene|Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he catches the ball.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.}} {{ScriptScene|Phil muffles Frank.}} {{ScriptDialog|Phil|Dude! Now that is not cool.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Sorry, sorry.}} {{ScriptScene|Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.}} {{ScriptScene|Stan looks at the boat.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Step aboard, Stanley.}} {{ScriptScene|He and Sparky step aboard the boat.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure, we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.}} {{ScriptScene|South Park Football Field. South Park's final drive before the halftime show.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|And the South Park Cows are set to receive...}} {{ScriptScene|The Cowboys kick off.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick.}} {{ScriptScene|Kenny weaves through the special teams.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cowboys|Hold him, hold him!}} {{ScriptScene|Two of them take hold of Kenny's arms.}} {{ScriptDialog|Cowboys|Hold him, hold him!}} {{ScriptDialog|Cowboy|Yaaah!}} {{ScriptScene|A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|The little running back is down. I think he's...}} {{ScriptScene|Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Yes, he's been decapitated.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[gasps]'' Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!}} {{ScriptDialog|Phil|Hah, that's gotta hurt, Frank.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Ouch-a-roo!}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Hey, come on! That was roughing! At least let us scrape him off the field!}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread, not by a long shot.}} {{ScriptScene|Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.}} {{ScriptScene|The boat-ride begins the passage through several animatronic scenes.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.}} {{ScriptScene|The tips of the Japanese soldiers' swords touch.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors! Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!}} {{ScriptScene|Big Gay Al fires off a shot with his pistol.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Whoa! Oh gosh, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here, and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely.}} {{ScriptScene|Doors open to reveal a scene reminiscent of 'It's a Small World'.}} {{ScriptDialog|Boat Ride Singers|<poem><i>We're all gay, and it's okay, 'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay. We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door. It's okay, hey, to be gay!</i></poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Sooo, what do you think, Stan?}} {{ScriptScene|Still singing.<poem>''...It's okay to be gay...''</poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you, Spark. I just didn't understand.}} {{ScriptScene|Still singing.<poem>''It's okay to be gay. Shalala waylaylay shalala waylaylay. It's okay to be gay.''</poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|''[to himself]'' Isn't this precious?}} {{ScriptScene|South Park Football Field. Halftime.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|And now, here to sing the touching song ''Loving You'', is the one and only, John Stamo-...s' brother...}} {{ScriptDialog|Audience Member|Alright Richard!}} {{ScriptScene|Music starts up.}} {{ScriptDialog|Richard Stamos|<poem><i>Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful, -doo-n-doo-doo-doooo- Aaaaah!</i></poem>}} {{ScriptScene|His voice cracks and the music stops.}} {{ScriptDialog|Richard|<poem>''Aaaaah!''</poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|What the hell?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Richard|<poem>''Aaaaah!''</poem>}} {{ScriptScene|His voice wavers.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|He didn't sing the high F!}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Ned... We're gonna to get our asses kicked.}} {{ScriptDialog|Richard|<poem>''Lalalalala lalalalala lalalalala lala la la lala...''</poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|''[heckling]'' It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!}} {{ScriptScene|Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Thanks for everything, Big Gay Al!}} {{ScriptDialog|Sparky|Ruff!}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|No problem, kids! Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy!}} {{ScriptScene|They start to walk off.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Oh Stan?}} {{ScriptScene|They stop.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|When you get back to town, ''[earnest music plays]'' tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I will Big Gay Al, I will.}} {{ScriptScene|They depart.}} {{ScriptScene|Bell dings.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Ooh, my carrot cake! ''[rushes inside]''}} {{ScriptScene|South Park Football Field, fourth quarter.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hike!}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since...}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing, Jimbo.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hat|Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game.}} {{ScriptDialog|Townsman|You're a dead man, Jimbo!}} {{ScriptScene|A hail of food products is thrown at Jimbo.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Well, this should just about wrap it up for-}} {{ScriptScene|Stan and Sparky come onto the field.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Wait a minute, what's this?}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Yeah! Yohooooh!}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Where the hell have you been Stan?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I've been getting my best friend back.}} {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Just get in there boy!}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Give 'em hell, Stanley!}} {{ScriptScene|Stan takes his place on the field as Jimbo looks to the heavens, and prays aloud to himself.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Jesus? Now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?}} {{ScriptScene|In the first row of the stands.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Leave me alone.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hike!}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey Stan! Ah, I'm open, I think!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Mph!}} {{ScriptScene|Stan throws the ball.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid!}} {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Oof.}} {{ScriptScene|Kyle runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!}} {{ScriptScene|Frank recoils.}} {{ScriptDialog|Phil|Dude!}} {{ScriptScene|The crowd cheers as Kyle scores.}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Touchdown!}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Yeah! Wooo!}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!}} {{ScriptScene|Frank swats his mic away.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Yeah! Woohoo!}} {{ScriptScene|Postgame press conference. Stan gets on stage by scoreboard.}} {{ScriptDialog|Townsman|Speech!}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Uh... It- it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.}} {{ScriptDialog|Crowd|Yeah, alright!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|And maybe... we can beat 'em even more next year!}} {{ScriptDialog|Crowd|Wooooh!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|And it's okay to be gay!}} {{ScriptScene|The crowd falls silent.}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|What?!}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|What the hell is he talking about?}} {{ScriptDialog|Frank|Uh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.}} {{ScriptScene|The crowd looks at Stan in disbelief.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|It's true, I'll show you.}} {{ScriptScene|At the site of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. There is nothing to be seen.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|But it was here. It was all right here. There- there was a techno dance club...}} {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man.}} {{ScriptScene|The missing animals suddenly appear.}} {{ScriptDialog|Townswoman|Oliver! I thought you ran away all those months ago!}} {{ScriptDialog|Townsperson 1|Sidney!}} {{ScriptDialog|Townsperson 2|Willy!}} {{ScriptDialog|Townsperson 3|Carlos!}} {{ScriptScene|Big Gay Al is suddenly at Stan's side.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done.}} {{ScriptScene|He pops his suitcase open and climbs into it.}} {{ScriptDialog|Big Gay Al|Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you.}} {{ScriptScene|He presses a button, and the suitcase closes.}} {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Wow!}} {{ScriptScene|The suitcase flies off.}} {{ScriptDialog|Richard|You guys, you guys! I can do it.}} {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Do what?}} {{ScriptDialog|Richard|<poem><i>Loving you, Is easy cause you're beautiful, Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo</i></poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|No!}} {{ScriptDialog|Richard|<poem>''Aaah!''</poem>}} {{ScriptDialog|Enrique|Mroo-}} {{ScriptScene|BOOM!}} }} [[en:Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride/Script]] [[fr:Une promenade complètement folle avec Al Super Gay/Script]] [[Category:第一季]] [[Category:剧本]]
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