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Leftarrow 南方孩子国 屎诞节特辑/剧本 屎之诅咒 Rightarrow

Cast编辑

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Mr. Hankey
  • Autumn
  • Cornwallis
  • Amber
  • Simon
  • Red Harris
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Johnson
  • Charlie Brown
    • Lucy
    • Linus
    • Snoopy
  • Butters Stotch
  • Sound Man
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Randy Marsh
  • Grandpa Marvin Marsh
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Ms. Choksondik
  • News Anchor
  • Various Townfolk

Script编辑

屎诞节特辑
Kyle's house, night, bathroom. The toilet is seen and on it are a glass and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. Kyle sits in his pajamas underneath a window and next to a night stand and candle opposite the toilet bowl, and holding a small flag which reads: WELCOME MR. HANKEY. Ike walks in and towards the food
Kyle
He's gonna be here any minute, Ike.
Ike
[pulls himself onto the seat and looks in] Oooh nooo, poopies.
Kyle
Heee might not come if you're too close to the toilet bowl, Ike. [lifts him off the seat and takes him back to the night stand] Come sit by me. [they sit down and face the toilet bowl, and wait. Nothing happens.]
Sheila
[at the door with Gerald] It's getting late, boys. Why don't you come on up to bed.
Kyle
Just let us stay up a little longer, mom. Mr. Hankey's gotta show up. He always does.
Sheila
Alright, bubbe. [leaves with Gerald, but returns] Oh, and boys? Happy Chanukah.
Kyle
Happy Chanukah, Mom. [returns his sight to the toilet bowl and waits...]
Kyle's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" plays
Ike
[Waves the flag around] Ayaaa ta. [Kyle is getting drowsy] Weee! Weee... [soon, Ike is asleep on Kyle's shoulder as Kyle drifts into sleep, but checks on the plate once in a while. An ant is now on the toilet seat inching its way to the cookies. Kyle watches drowsily until the ant touches the cookies...]
Kyle
Go away!
The ant scurries away. At length, the candle burns down to the plate and goes out. Kyle and Ike are both asleep. Sheila and Gerald look in once again and find the boys asleep. Sheila picks up Ike and Gerald picks up Kyle and take them to their respective rooms. Kyle is then seen asleep in his room. He opens and blinks his eyes, then gasps and sits up. He rushes out of bed and into the restroom, only to find an empty plate and glass. He thinks Mr. Hankey has been by, until he notices something on the floor to the left of the toilet. A look of dismay comes over his face. It's the ant he sees, now bloated and content. Kyle goes to make a phone call.
Stan's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" continues
Stan
[picks up the phone] A-ah huh.
Kyle
[barks. Music stops] Stan! Go get the other guys and tell them to meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes!
Stan
Ho-o-oh.
South Park, night, bus stop. Kyle, with flashlight and crow bar, is waiting as the others arrive. Kenny arrives in coat, hood, and undies. Cartman in pajamas, cap and coat, and Stan fully dressed, but with his cap askew. A lock of hair is seen
Kyle
Okay, good. You're all here.
Stan
What is this all about, Kyle?
Kyle
It's Mr. Hankey! He hasn't shown up yet.
Cartman
Aw, Jesus Christ! I'm going back to bed. [turns aside and walks off]
Kyle
It's only three days until Christmas, you guys! You know how bad things have been around here. I think it might be because Mr. Hankey hasn't come.
Cartman
Kyle, I have a full day of watching TV tomorrow. I don't have time to go on a poo hunt right now, okay?
Kyle
If you guys want there to be a Christmas, you'd better come help me!
South Park, night, city streets. Snow is still falling, but a manhole cover has been lifted and set aside. Down below, in the sewer, the boys walk in the muck looking for Mr. Hankey's home
Cartman
Heh-tchoo!
Kyle
[turns and glares at Cartman] Dude, you sneezed on my back!
Cartman
Oh, sorry, you might get some germs while you're walking around in human feces!
Kyle
Hey, look. [before them is a small cottage in a collection basin. They walk to the end of the sewer line] Hello?
Mr. Hankey
Hoowwddyy ho! [behind him is a little cottage all glittered in light]
Kyle
...Mr. Hankey! Hoh, we were so worried! I was waiting up for you and you didn't come, so I thought that-
Mr. Hankey
Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle.
Kyle
But where have you been? Things aren't the same without you. Nobody seems to have the Christmas spirit.
Mr. Hankey
I know, Kyle. I've just been awfully busy with my family. [calls into the house] Honey!
Cartman
Family?
Mr. Hankey
Boys, I want you to meet my wife. Autumn.
Autumn
Howdy-hey kids! [waves in the same way Mr. Hankey does, holds a martini in her left hand] Would you like a drink?
Mr. Hankey
They're too young to drink, honey.
Autumn
Hey haa, it's Christmas!
Mr. Hankey
Come. You have to meet the little nuggets, too. Kids! [they come one one by one] This is our son, Cornwallis.
Cornwallis
[wearing glasses, a scarf and little blue beret] Hoowwdy Ho! [hops aside as another nugget enters]
Mr. Hankey
Our daughter Amber.
Amber
[in pink dress and maroon bow] Hoowwdy Ho! [hops aside as another nugget enters]
Mr. Hankey
And our son, Simon.
Simon
Eee, hey! Hnhn.
Mr. Hankey
[aside] Simon's not so smart. He was born with a peanut in his head.
Siimon
Heh What? Dad? Huh?
Mr. Hankey
Nothin', Simon.
Kyle
A family! So THAT's why you haven't been able to spread Christmas cheer.
Mr. Hankey
It sure has been tough. Nobody seems that into Christmas out there.
Stan
I know, it's like it doesn't matter anymore.
Cartman
My moms barely bought me any presents so far.
Mr. Hankey
Well don't worry kids! I'm sending the nuggets up tomorrow to spread Christmas cheer! [the nuggets grin] And if you want, you can help them.
Kyle
Sure we'll help! [Stan grins]
Cartman
Anything for more presents!
Autumn
"Hic" Weh-hell, it's a Christmas party! Hey! You boys! You boys wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes?
Mr. Hankey
Honey, pleh, you're- you're drunk. Onkay?
Autumn
But it's a Christmas party!
Mr. Hankey
Honey, can we go inside for a second? [they enter the little house and start arguing. The boys look on in shock while the nuggets keep their smiles. Abruptly the arguing stops and the two adult poos step out again] Well, it's decided, kids. Tomorrow we're gonna bring back the spirit of Christmas!
South Park, day, city streets. The boys and the nuggets stand on the sidewalk in front of Tele's and the toy store humming "Good King Wencelas" The nuggets soon hum their own tunes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wear nose clips and suits that suggest they are reindeer, while Cartman is dressed as Santa
Cartman
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, you guys! Only three shopping days until- [a couple walks past] God-damnit! [a man walks past in the other direction] Hey! Merry Christmas, asshole! [a woman walks by]
Stan
Nobody's paying any attention. [Amber clears her throat as a foot comes down over Simon, and the foot pulls away]
Woman
Ew, I almost stepped in it.
Tele's Owner
[exits and locks his door] Well, it was a good effort, boys. But I'm gonna have to close shop. Nobody's buyin' anything an' I can't afford to keep this furnace runnin'! [starts to leave, but notices the nuggets] Oh. And, boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk there. Watch out. [the nuggets look downcast. Red Harris leaves the toy store.]
Red
[locks the door] Not one toy. I guess this yeear, everyone's content to celebrate with candles and love. [starts sobbing, then walks away]
Stan
[emotionally] This is hopeless. We're just gonna have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
A special report. Behind the anchor is a "No Christmas Trees" sign
News Anchor
And in other news tonight it appears that everyone is officially SICK OF CHRISTMAS! [a chart appears] In an SPC poll, 38% said they were fed up and tired of the holiday, 5% said they were indifferent to it, and a whopping 57% they would quick Bon Jovi square in the balls if given the opportunity. [the field poll follows]
Ms. Choksondik
Well, I think people are just fed up with the crowded shopping and the credit-card bills, uh. [the boys sit on Cartman's sofa watching the news] I, I think that the holiday just has become a joke.
Man
[with a son who waves at the camera] You know, it's just that a lot of people don't really believe in the whole Jesus thing anymore, you know? So what's to celebrate?
Man 2
Oh yeah. Right in the balls, man. Right square in the balls.
News Anchor
Well, the holiday spirit may be gone from South Park, but at least our faith in each other remains strong.
Assistant
[whispers into the anchor's ear] In South Park.
News Anchor
Oh really?
South Park, Cartman's house, day. The report is over
Stan
Dude, change the channel. This is too depressing. [Cartman clicks the remote, and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" pops up. Charlie, Lucy, and Snoopy are on screen]
Charlie Brown
Good Grief! We need a Christmas tree for our play.
Cartman
Oh, Jesus, not this thing again.
Stan
How come everyone in cartoons has such big heads?
Charlie
[as other kids dance around him] Alright, everyone, we've got to get on with our play!
Kyle
Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doin' is dancing around!
Cartman
Yeah, this thing really falls apart in the second act.
Stan
[affecting a Peanuts accent] And why is it that on Charlie Brown cartoons, everyone talks like this.
Cartman
My mom could make a better Christmas special than this!
Kyle
Hey, that's it. Oh, my God, that's totally it! [drops down from the sofa and walks to the TV] It's so simple!
Stan
What, dude?
Kyle
[turns and faces the other boys] We can get everyone back into the Christmas spirit by making our very own animated Christmas special, and showing it to everybody in town! [Charlie and Linus talk onscreen]
Stan
We don't know anything about animation.
Kyle
How hard can it be? Look at it. [Snoopy and Charlie walk in the woods]
Cartman
Hey yeah! We can make a little animated Santa Claus and Jesus, and it can star us instead of these little round-headed guys!
Kenny
(Yeah, right! Awesome!)
Stan
Yeah! And we can call it... "The Spirit of Christmas" [onscreen, Snoopy is pummeling a naked Charlie Brown hard across the face with a 2-by-4]
South Park, The Mayor's office, day. The report is over
Mayor
[worried] Ogh! This is terrible, Johnson! Our whole town's economy is going right in the toilet! We've got to get everybody back in the Christmas spirit!
Aide 2
Mayor, some adorable children are here to see you.
Mayor
Meugh. Send them in.
Kyle
[as the boys enter]Mayor! We have the solution to your problem.
Mayor
You do?
Kyle
We're gonna make a short animated Christmas card that everyone can watch and play it on the screen at the old drive-in.
Stan
It'll have everything. Jesus, Santa. And when people see it, they'll just HAVE to get in the spirit. All we need is three hundred dollars for our budget.
Mayor
[falsely enthusiastic] An animated Christmas card. Kids, that just may be the dumbest idea I've ever heard, ever!
The Boys
Awww.
Mayor
But at this point I'm willing to try anything. Johnson, cut them a check for three hundred dollars.
The Boys
Alright!
Kyle
[to the other three] You guys go tell Butters to start making the cutoouts. I'm gonna go tell Mr. Hankey the good news!
The Hankey home, day, exterior. Mr. Hankey and Autumn are in a heated argument inside. The argument is incomprehensible for a while, until a voice stands out.
Mr. Hankey
Now you put that vase down! Put that vase down! That's a very expensive vase! [now warning] Don't you throw that vase! [the vase is thrown and breaks.]
Kyle
[now facing the house from the sewer] Ah, Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey
[exits the front door] Oh, Kyle! Hoowwddy ho!
Kyle
[excited] We got the money, Mr. Hankey. We're gonna make our animated Christmas card.
Mr. Hankey
Oh, that's swell! Kids! [the nuggets come out] Christmas is back on! We've gotta all go get that old drive-in workin' again.
The Nuggets
Okay!
Autumn
That's not the only thing we gotta get workin' again, [pokes him] if you know what I mean...
Mr. Hankey
[concerned] Wha- why do you, why do you have to say things like that in front of people?
Kyle
Well, I've gotta go start our animation. We've only got two days. [turns and walks away...]
Mr. Hankey
Good luck, Kyle. And we'll have that projector workin'! Don't you worry! [Cornwallis sniffs at himself]
Amber
What's the matter, Cornwallis?
Butters' home, day. A gate is open by one side of the house. Inside, the four boys enter a room littered with cutouts
Kyle
Alright, Butters. Let's see what you've got.
Butters
[behind a desk] Huh, well, okay. Now, don't expect too much with the budget you gave me.
Stan
[impatient] Yeahyeahyeah. just let us see 'em!
Butters
Well, alright. Here's a little paper construction of Santa Claus. [holds him up and moves him a bit] "Ho ho ho, uh, there-a kid. Hu-uh, would you like some- t-hoys and stuff" Hah, and uh, here's a little Jesus. [brings him forth] "Hi there, Santa. I am the Light and the Way, and stuff." [Santa] "Uh, ho o-kay. That's good, I suppose." Huh, and here's the cutout versions of you guys. [unfurls a large sheet which contains some mountains and spitting images of the four boys]
The boys
Whoa!
Cartman
[points] Heheh. Look, he made Stan all fat.
Stan
[retorts] That's not me, that's you!
Cartman
What?!
Kyle
They kind of look like us. [the poster is shown again] I mean, Stan's got blue eyes and I've got a sharper nose, but I mean, they kinda look like us.
Cartman
I AM NOT THAT GODDAMNED FAT! [Butters sets the poster on the desk, face up]
Kyle
God job, Butters.
Butters
Woh, ah, hey! I made a little cutout version of me, too! Ih in case you need it for your animated film.
Stan
[grabs the poster] No, that's okay. [walks away]
Kyle
See ya! [grabs Santa, Cartman grabs Jesus, and they walk away with Kenny]
Butters
Uh-m, alright, alright then. [the door closes, and a few second later, he reaches into a top drawer and pulls out a Barbie cutout. In falsetto...] "Oh, uh, hello, good-lookin'? What's your name?" [moves the Butters cutout] "Huh, Butters, ma'am." [moves the Barbie cutout while in falsetto] "Well, Butters, would you like to slap my- titties around?" [moves the Butters cutout closer] "Whoa! Well, uhuh" [a smile of fantasy flashes across his face] "Uh, no thanks, ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again." [guiltily puts the cutout away.]
The Hankey home, day. Inside, Cornwallis is seated at a table with thumb tacks for legs. There are two 5-book stacks on the table, a third stack on the floor behind him, and two books on the floor in front of the table. Mr. Hankey enters, and soon seen are a spool of string for a bedstand and a pencil as a curtain rod. A locket hangs over Cornwallis' bed, and it contains pictures of his parents
Mr. Hankey
Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the drive-in.
Cornwallis
I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad.
Mr. Hankey
[takes a seat at the table] Hey, that's alright, Cornwallis. The boys' animated movie will being back the spirit of Christmas.
Cornwallis
It's not that, father. Its... Well, I don't feel like I'm really a part of Christmas.
Mr. Hankey
But son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas!
Autumn
[drunk as ever, appears at the door] Come on, it's time to sit around the tree!
Mr. Hankey
[serious] We're having a talk, honey.
Autumn
God-damnit it's Christmas and we're gonna be a happy family around the tree!
Mr. Hankey
Autumn, you're drunk. Alright, now, just go help the other kids; they can't get their stockings up.
Autumn
That's not the only thing that can't get up around here. [rushes away]
Mr. Hankey
...Now come on, son. Don't be so down.
Cornwallis
Why? We're just pieces of crap. Christmas isn't for us.
Mr. Hankey
Christmas is about feeling good. That's for everybody!
Cornwallis
I see the Nativity. There's angels, shepherds and sheep. But no poo. All the Christmas movies: Santa, elves, reindeer. No poo. I'm not a part of it.
Mr. Hankey
No, you're not a part of it, Cornwallis. You're all of it. Don't you see?
Cornwallis
I'm nothing but crap!
Mr. Hankey

But crap is everything. [begins to sing]
Everything that lives on earth poos in some way
And that's how the cycle happens, each and every day
[Takes Cornwallis out and up to the street]
Just look at the green green grass and the birds up in the sky
[cows graze on the some exposed grass while large birds fly lazily above]
It's all here because of poo, and now I'll tell you why

Grass it's eaten by cattle, which is eaten by women and men
[A cow poops as it eats, then Butters' family is shown eating burgers at table]
It fuses with their bodies and becomes poo again
[Mr. Hankey sings to Cornwallis, then Butters' father is shown straining on the toilet]
And that poo goes through the sewer, where it's dumped into the sea.
[some poo descends through the pipe, and Mr. Hankey soon follows. A raw sewage outlet is then shown with Mr. Hankey exiting]
And it's eaten by the plankton, and becomes the fishes' meal.
[plankton swarm the poo and devour it; a small fish eats the plankton]

And then that bigger fish with the poo still inside
[a bigger fish eats the small fish, but an even bigger one approaches]
Swims up near the shore and gets eaten alive
[the bigger fish swallows the medium-sized one and swims up to the surface, only to be snatched up by a bear]
By the grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sand
[the bear walks off with the fish in its mouth and poos as he leaves]
So it can spring to life and become food for the land!
[flowers and grass spring up through and around it. The camera pulls back to reveal an African savannah around the flowers, with all sorts of animals in it]

It's the poo of the antelope, the poo of the giraffe
[soft backup vocals come on, lending the song an African feel. antelope run in the background as a giraffe appears and stops]
It falls onto the earth and becomes the blades of grass
[The camera looks at Mr. Hankey and Cornwallis atop Poo Rock, first from the back, then from the front]
The grass is eaten by the cattle, which comes out the other end
[more cattle are shown grazing and pooing]
To make food for the humans and start all over again
[a man scoops the poo into a small bag and walks off; Butters and family eat more burgers; his mom sits on the toilet]
[back on Poo Rock, before which animals poo freely]

You see, son? You're not an insignificant part of life. You are life.

Cornwallis
But how can I be that giraffe and blade of grass, and a human? I don't control what they do.
Mr. Hankey
[sits next to Cornwallis] Just like your heart beats without you thinking about it, so, too, your giraffes and your humans do what they do without you even thinkin' about it. But it is all one life form. It is all... [points to him] you.
Cornwallis

[smiles] I think I see now.
I'm the poo of the antelope, that flows down to the ground
[steps forward]

Mr. Hankey

Becomes the grass of tomorrow

Cornwallis

Yeah

Mr. Hankey

Which the grazers turn around

[An antelope stops to poo a little, then runs off to join the others]

Cornwallis

So I'm the leg of a leopard and the wings of a hen

Mr. Hankey, Cornwallis

Which becomes dinner for the human and turns back to poo again.
[Mr. Hankey holds Cornwallis high in the air on Poo Rock with the sky behind them. Cornwallis hums a bit]
That's the Circle, the Circle of Poo!
[Cut to black]

Stan's house, basement, day. He hands out scripts to the other three boys
Stan
Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't have an ending.
Kyle
No ending? Well, we can't animate until we have our voices recorded, so we'd better just record what we have and figure out the ending later. [they walk over to some microphones.]
Sound man
[instructing] Okay, talk directly in the mike and don't hit any hard p's.
Kyle
What's a hard p?
Cartman
You know, first thing in the morning when it just won't come out?
Kyle
Oh, yeah.
Sound man
Uumm, okay, sound is speeding, and... [cues the boys by raising his hand]
The boys

We wish you a Merry Christmas

Sound man
Hold on.
Kyle

We wish-

[the sound man presses a few buttons, and some white noise blasts through the boys' headphones]
The boys
[twisting in pain] AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Cartman
...deh..OOOWW!!!
Sound man
Uh, [makes more changes to the sound settings] mmm. Okay, and? [cues the boys]
Boys

We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--

Stan
Hey! Wait a minute!
Kyle
What?
Stan
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle
Well, yes, I think so.
Stan
[calmly] Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas. You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs. [Kyle cues the piano player, who begins playing]
Kyle

Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of clay,
Dreidel dreidel dreidel--

Cartman
[grins] Heheheheh, Chanukah sucks.
Kyle
[throws his headphones off and faces Cartman angrily] Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
Cartman
[throws his headphones off] Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Kyle
Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
Stan
You guys, knock it off! We have to record this! [the sound man begins to laugh heartily]
Sound man
[composes himself] Dude, that was awesome.
Stan
What's awesome?
Sound man
The script. It's sweet.
Stan
That's not in the script They do this all the time.
Sound man
Well, it should be in the script. All that "you're fat" and "you're a Jew" and stuff. It's great. [the boys look at each other]
South Park, Photo Dojo, day. The boys are gathered round a camera, which is pointing straight down onto the poster Butters made for them. Two lights shine on the poster, and the cutouts are in place. Some other heads are at the top end of the poster
Kyle
Check it out, dude. The camera shoots one frame at a time. So, all we gotta do, is put the right mouth on, according to what syllable they're pronouncing at that frame.
Stan
Easy.
Kyle
Yeah. So what's the first syllable?
Stan
Uhd- W, WW-e wish you a Merry Christmas
Kyle
Okay. So we put little "woo" mouths on all our heads. [sets the "woo" mouths in place] And then we shoot that for one frame.
Stan
Okay. [snaps the shot] One.
Kyle
That's one twenty-fourth of a second of our movie already shot! [exults]
Stan
Kickass!
Kyle
Now, the next mouth.
Stan
Uuhh, E. W-EE wish you a Merry Christmas. [both turn aside to look around]
Kyle
Okay, where are the E-mouths?
Stan
[softly] E mouths...
South Park, Photo Dojo, three hours later. The boys' eyelids are drooping and they're tired
Kyle
Okay. "Woo" mouths again?
Stan
[snap] 1 [snap] 2.
Kyle
So how much done is that?
Stan
"We wish you a m- Merry"
Kyle
[softly] Aw, [loudly] Jesus Christ!
South Park Drive-In, night. The boys' eyelids are drooping and they're tired
Mayor
[enters the drive-in with her aides] This kids better make a good Christmas movie, Johnson. If people in this town don't start shopping again, we're all gonna be out of jobs next year.
Johnson
This... place is pretty run-down.
Mayor
It's alright, we've got a clean-up crew coming.
Mr. Hankey
[off-screen] Hoowwddy ho! [the Mayor and Johnson look around] Down here!
Johnson
[jumps back] WAAGGH!
Mayor
[displeased] Oh. Mr. Hankey, it's you. How wonderful.
Mr. Hankey
My family and I are here to get the drive-in ready for the biig movie.
Autumn
[drunk and still holding a martini, to Johnson] Hi there, Mr. Important Political Person. *hic* [Johnson looks disturbed] You wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes and run naked through this parkin' lot?
Mr. Hankey
[softly blocking] Uh-uh, honey, please don't start!
Autumn
I didn't start it! He was looking at my breasts!
Mr. Hankey
They're not real, you know.
Autumn
Don't you say that! [hugs him, but he pushes her off]
Mr. Hankey
Oh, big secret! Everyone can tell they're made of silicorn!
Johnson
Uhhh, we'll just leave you to your cleanup. [leads the Mayor and the other aide away]
Mr. Hankey
Okay! Boy, oh boy, this place suuure needs a lot of work.
Cornwallis
We can fix it up, Dad.
Amber
Oh, look! A homeless person. [the man is seen sleeping on the ground covered in papers and cardboard] Oh. He looks sad, Papa. [hops over to him and leaves a poo smile on his lips] There. That's better.
Mr. Hankey
Good job, Amber. Now this place is starting to look Christmasy [the man continues to sleep...]
South Park, Photo Dojo, next day. The boys are back at the animatic further along in the project
Kyle
Okay. Okay, the shot is finally set up. Now shoot the O mouth for two frames. [Cartman sneezes and immediately realizes what he just did]
Stan
AAAAAAAA!
Kyle
Cartman!
Cartman
Well, I'm sorry! I have a cold!
Stan
That took us half an hour to set up, fatass!
Cartman
Alright! You know what? I have been here TOO LONG! I'm sick of making this stupid cartoon, and we're never goin' to finish it anyways! [walks off and stops at the door] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!
Kyle
[rushing to the door] Fine! We'll do it with out you!
Stan
We can't do it without him, Kyle. We've already animated him in it!
Kyle
We'll dub his voice over.
Stan
Kyle, it's hopeless. We've only got 20 seconds of animation done, and we still have Jesus' and Santa's voices to record, and we don't even have a third act. Dude, it would take a miracle to finish this thing!
Kyle

Now, don't go saying that. There's always hope. Miracles happen most every day.

To people like you, and me.
But don't expect a miracle.
Unless you help make it to be.

You hope, and I'll hurry.
[takes the poster and rolls it up.]
You pray, and I'll plan
[The boys exit the Photo Dojo with it]
We'll do what's necessary, 'cause
[now in Stan's room, works on a Brian Boitano cutout]
Even a miracle needs a hand!
[walks up to the wall and adds a scene to Act II]

Kyle

You love-

Stan

We love

Kyle

-And I'll labor. [takes down the scene]

Stan

Tralala

Kyle

You sit- [puts it up again]

Stan

We sit.

Kyle

-And I'll stand. [a funny look appears on his face]

Stan

Tralalalala

!Boys

Get help from our next-door neighbor, 'cause

[Kenny begins to hum as the Hankey family is shown cleaning up the drive-in]

Boys, Hankeys

Even a miracle needs a hand!

[Autumn is passed out to one side of the film projector as Mr. Hankey cleans up]

Stan's house, basement, day. Stan and Kyle have to work without Cartman, so they stand wearing headphones and reading the script aloud
Kyle
You could do Cartman's voice, can't you?
Stan
"Awgh! I'm so fat!"
Kyle
Nuh, you've gotta sound fatter.
Stan
[with tongue filling his mouth] "Hey, you guys! Seriouslih! I'm so fat! Help me out over hmyah!"
Kyle
Cool! Now let's try the script!
Sound Man
Rolling...
Stan

[Doing his and Cartman's parts]
Stan: I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?
Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus!

Kyle
Oh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Stan
Cartman: Ey! I don't need to take that kind of shit from a Jew! [both boys grin, and the sound man signals his approval with a thumbs-up]
Stan's house, living room, day. Kyle and Stan resume singing as Kyle packs the cutouts into a box headed for Korea
Kyle

You wish-

Stan

We wish

Kyle

-And I'll whittle.

Stan

Tralalalala

Kyle

You sit- [closes the box and tosses it up]

Stan

We sit.

Kyle

-And I'll stand. [displays the box's destination and walks out with it]

Stan

Tralalalala

Kyle

[with Kenny humming] Let's all try to help a little, 'cause
[A group of 20 Korean inbetweeners are shown working hard on the short]

South Park, Potter's Art Store, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out with construction paper
Boys

Even a miracle- [a car comes in and runs over Kenny as the driver honks, leaving Kenny flat as a pancake. The boys just look in wonder]

Stan
...It's okay. We'll just have his character die in the film. [they resume singing and walk away]
Stan's house, living room, day. Stan and Kyle are there. A large box has come for Stan and he's about to open it
Stan, Kyle
South Park Drive-In, night. The drive-in is cleaned up now. The entire town shows up to see the short film. To the left, two klieg lights shine on a high platform on which stand the Mayor and her aides; Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. A decorated Christmas tree stands behind them. On close-up, though, Cartman is missing
Mayor
Citizens of South Park, the Colorado Film Commission is pleased to present to you a work by some of our very own South Park children. [the crowd erupts in applause]
Cartman
[enters victoriously] Thank you, thank you. [Stan and Kyle look at him annoyed]
Kyle
Cartman, what the hell are you doing here?! You quit!
Cartman
What are you talkin' about, "quit"? Huh! I don't remember that.
Mayor
We know that after you see this darling short film, [the crowd is shown] you will all feel the mighty glow of the Christmas spirit once again. Boys?
Kyle
Okay, Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey
[in the booth] O-kay! [starts the projector. The opening screen of "The Spirit of Christmas" is shown as music plays.]
Scene: a snowy hill. South Park comes into view. A squirrel pops up to see the camera, then drops away next to the town sign. Kids can be heard singing a Christmas carol. The camera pans to the right
Kids

We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--

Stan
Hey! Wait a minute!
Kyle
What?
Stan
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah, I think so.
Stan
(voice rising) Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas!
Kyle
What?
Stan
You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs!
Kyle

Dreidel dreidel dreidel-

the film snaps in two and grinds to a halt. Fear strikes the boys' faces, then the Mayor's face. The film spools out of the reels and Mr. Hankey holds the unwound film in his hands
Simon
Eehhhh, pretty! [the crowd begins to disperse and grumble]
Man
Oh, that's Christmas for ya.
Mayor
Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to be having some technical difficulties.
Man 2
Boring.
Man 3
I've gotta go.
Man 4
Stupid.
Mr. Hankey
[as the boys enter the projection booth] It's completely destroyed! There's nothin' I can do!
Kyle
All that hard work.
Mayor
Well, thanks a lot, kids. Great idea you had there. Now everyone is more disenfranchised with Christmas than ever. We want our three hundred bucks back!
Kyle
But we spent it!
Mayor
Fine. Then we'll sue you. [leaves with the aides] Johnson? [the other aide stays behind]
Aide
I... used to believe in miracles. [leaves]
Kyle
All that work!
Stan
For nothing.
Mr. Hankey
Boys, I uh, I'm s-, I'm sorry.
Kyle
Sure. Sh-sure, Mr. Hankey.
Cartman
I guess- we might as well- go home now. [the boys leave and Mr. Hankey wilts]
The Hankey home, night. Inside, Mr. Hankey sits on the little sofa. Cornwallis hops up to him and joins him on the sofa
Mr. Hankey
It's my fault. All my fault. I got everyone's hopes up.
Cornwallis
But Dad, we can fix the projector.
Mr. Hankey
Aw, it's too late for that, son. everyone' gone home. And I don't know nothin' about projectors. I'm just a stupid piece of crap.
Cornwallis
Dad, you taught me an important lesson: That crap is the cycle of everything.
Mr. Hankey
Aw, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis! I was jus' tryin' to get you to stop your bitchin'
Cornwallis
No, it wasn't a stupid song. Because you showed me that I have the power and the strength to do anything I want. You made me believe in myself, Dad! Now I'm asking you to do the same.
Mr. Hankey
Son... [reflects for a moment] You're the smartest piece of crap since Albert Poodinger! Come on! [the two of them leave the house]
The Marsh house, living room, night. The immediate family is gathered
Sharon
Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley? No commercialism and shopping, just a nice fire and family.
Grandpa
I wanna die. [sleigh music is heard and a light soon fills the air outside. All the Marshes look]
A view of the suburbs. Lights come on all over the neighborhood, and families begin to come out of their houses. one girl and her parents, another girl and her parents, a boy and girl and their parents, etc. The light everyone sees is the drive-in screen. The short has been repaired and is airing the scene where the boys first meet Jesus. The drive-in soon fills up
On screen, Jesus floats down from the sky.
Kyle
What the--
Kenny
(Nooo!!) [tightens his hood]
The Broflovski house, night. The front door opens and Gerald and Sheila step out with Ike. Kyle follows them out.
Kyle
They did it! They got it working! [closes the door behind him]
On screen.
Jesus
You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle!
Santa
I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.
Jesus
Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa
Christmas is for giving!
A shot of the audience
Crowd
Oh, wow!
The Hankey house. Amber and Simon stand outside
Amber
Mom! They got it working!
Autumn
[opens the front door and exits without closing it] What's that? They got your father's penis workin' again? [the three of them leave]
A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman smiling. On screen...
Kyle
...We actually spoke—to the Brian Boitano.
Stan
Yeah. And you know? I think I've learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing.
Cartman
Yeah, ham.
Stan
[angrily] No not ham!
The audience. The boys laugh
Cartman
Ey! Why the hell did you have me say that?!
Kyle
Heheh, we could make you say whatever we wanted.
On screen...
Stan
...Christmas is about something much more important!
Kyle
What?
Stan
[voice softens] Presents.
Kyle
[softly] Ah.
Stan
Don't you see, Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah.
Stan
Presents.
The audience...
Various Folk
...Presents.
Man 5
My God, they're right!
Mr. Mackey
Christmas is about presents. If we all buy presents, everyone benefits. M'kay?
Randy
That is the spirit of Christmas. Commercialism. Because it's what makes our country work!
Mayor
They're starting to understand, Johnson.
Ms. Choksondik
We got so caught up in the little things of Christmas, like love and family that... we almost forgot it's buying things that makes our economy thrive.
Mayor
[wearing a handlebar mustache, in falsetto] Hey, the shops are still open. We still have time to shop. [the crowd starts to clamor in agreement, and soon the shops around South Park turn their lights on. Red Harris opens his toy shop up, and the crowd fills the streets, first cheering, then chatting]
Kyle
You did it, Mr. Hankey. You brought back the spirit of Christmas!
Mr. Hankey
No, you did it, boys!
Autumn
Aw, hell, we all did it!
Mayor
Kids, that cartoon was fabulous. How would you like to have your own show and make 100 more of them?
Stan
Are you kidding? I think we'd rather stab ourselves in the head.
Cartman
Yeah. Let's just go home and open our presents.
Kyle
[to Stan] Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.
Stan
Wow! Count me in!
Cartman
Yeah! I'll be a Jew too.
Boys

[leaving with the Mayor]
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
With dreidel I will play!

End of A Very Crappy Christmas. Rats rush in from all sides and nibble on Kenny's body.
屎诞节特辑 结束
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