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Cast編輯

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Lizzy
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Butters Stotch
  • Romper Stomper
  • The FBI
  • Juvenile prisoners
  • Token Black
  • Linda Black
  • Steve Black
  • Pip Pirrup
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Liane Cartman
  • FBI Agents Sharp and Keen
  • Leslie Smith, Trial TV host
  • Prosecutor and Honorable Judge
  • Anchor Tom
  • Eye in the Sky Greg Nimins
  • Prison Guards and Warden
  • Colorado Governor
  • Colorado Governor's Aide

Script編輯

仇恨法案
South Park Elementary, Monday during the day. The kids are out on the playground. The camera pans to the right, showing kids on the hobby elephants, the swings, and the jungle gym. It rests on Butters holding a starting flag.
Butters
Wuh-okay! You guys ready up there!?
Sledder
[three teams of four boys apiece] Ready!
Butters
On your marks! Get set! Uh-go! [the teams head down the small hill, and Cartman's team finishes first]
Stan
We win again! [all get off their sleds]
Token
That's not fair! Cartman's ass is so fat he makes your sled go faster!
Cartman
Ey! Don't call me fat, Token!
Lizzy
We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates!
Stan
Sleds are for guys.
Cartman
Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some dishes or get pregnant or something?!
Lizzy
These are the school's sleds, ass rammers, not yours!
Stan
Look, girls don't even know how to sled. Do something else.
The rest of the boys
Yeah!
Lizzy
I bet we can sled ten times better than you, doughnut punchers!
Kyle
Oh yeah?!
The Girls
Yeah!
Cartman
We'd kick your girlie ass in sledding!
Lizzy
How about a race down a real hill, then?!
The Girls
Yeah!
Stan
You got it!
The rest of the boys
Yeah!
A few others
Yeah!
Lizzy
Your best four sledders against our best four sledders!
Stan
Noo problem!
Lizzy
Then we'll see you this Saturday on Phil Collins Hill!
Kyle
Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got it!
Lizzy
See you there! And may the best woman win, turd burglars!
Stan
Oh, boy! We'll show them!
Butters
Yeah. Oo-oo-why, us men will show those skanky hos who's who!
Clyde
Yeah. Those girls don't realize what good sledders Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are.
Token
Yeah! And with Cartman's enormously fat ass, the boys are sure to win!
Cartman
Token, I swear to God, if you call me fat one more time [walks to a rock and picks it up] I'm gonna smack you on the head with this rock! [Kyle draws near to Token]
Kyle
Fatass.
Cartman
There! [chucks the rock and it knocks Token down]
Token
Oh! [falls face first into the snow. Kyle is stunned that Cartman followed through]
Cartman
[sees what he's done] Heh. Huh. Uh-oh.
Mr. Mackey's office, some time later. Eric and Token are seated inside. Token's right arm is in a sling and his right eye is blackened
Mr. Mackey
And what you need to understand is that this is not appropriate behavior, young man! M'kay?
Liane
Eric, don't you realize you could've seriously injured your little friend?
Cartman
[dragging the words] I'm sorry, Mom.
Liane
Don't apologize to us, apologize to him!
Cartman
[dragging the words] I'm sorry, Token.
Mr. Mackey
Well, I hope you learned that throwing rocks at people is bad, Eric.
Cartman
Oh, I sure do, Mr. Mackey. I mean, I feel really bad, uhh. What was I thinking? [drops from his chair] The only thing I can do now... is try to go on and live day by day. [turns and heads for the door] See ya later.
Mr. Mackey
[raises his index finger] Not this time, Eric! You've got to learn to respect your little friends! You're gonna have detention for two weeks!
Cartman
No way!
Mr. Mackey
Yes way! M'kay, and that settles it! Now, let's all go- [the door opens and two suits enter]
Man 1
Counselor Mackey?
Mr. Mackey
Yes?
Man 1
I'm Agent Sharp and this is Agent Keen. We're with [with gravity] the FBI.
Agent Keen
We're here to investigate the rock-throwing incident.
Mr. Mackey
Nn-um. m'kay, uh, I've already taken care of it; Eric Cartman here is gonna be punished with two weeks of detention.
Agent Sharp
I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that, Mr. School Counselor. You see, since the victim in this case is African-American, this is considered [close-up] a hate crime.
Cartman
...What the hell is a hate crime?
Mr. Mackey
Uh, oh, but I don't think this is a ruh-
Agent Keen
New laws have been passed that make any crime based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation a federal offense.
Cartman
What? A federal offense?
Mr. Mackey
Oh no.
Cartman
Oh no??
Agent Keen
We're sorry, Ms. Cartman, but we must follow protocol. [grabs a hold of Cartman] Your son will be taken into custody and then tried in a federal court of law. [the two agents walk out with Cartman]
Liane
Oh my goodness.
Trial TV, Tuesday. The letters fly into place over blind Justice holding the scales
Announcer
The hate crime trial of the century is underway [Cartman is shown] on Court TV tracks U van. [Token is shown]. Live. Here's your host, Leslie Smith.
Leslie
What turns a normal, fat little eight-year-old boy into a vicious, hate-crime-committing racist? We take you live to the courtroom [the courthouse is shown] as the defendant takes the stand.
The courtroom. The prosecutor grills Cartman
Prosecutor
Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the name of "Token?"
Cartman
Uh, yes?
Prosecutor
Who is Token?
Cartman
He's a black kid that goes to my school?
Prosecutor
Black! [gets animated] Did you say black?! You called him black?!
Cartman
He is black.
Prosecutor
O! He said it again! [the audience gasps] He is African-American, and so you decided to pick him out!
Cartman
I did?
Prosecutor
The rage built and built inside your head until it became too much because you hate African-Americans!!
Cartman
No! I hate hippies!
Prosecutor
What?!
Cartman
I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!
Liane
[behind the defense area] Oo, poopiekins?
Prosecutor
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is why we have hate-crime laws! This "monster" committed a crime—not against an individual, but against a race! Do the democratic thing and send his fat little butt to prison!
Cartman
[off camera] Ey! Don't call me fat, asshole!
Prosecutor
[faces the audience and judge] The prosecution rests.
Lizzy
[walks in with Bebe, stops next to Stan and Kyle] Don't forget: we still have a sledding race this Saturday, pillow biters. [turns around and walks away]
Stan, Kyle
We know!
Stan
Dude, this is horrible. We gotta get Cartman out of court so we can go practice.
The courtroom, some time later. A verdict has been reached, and the Judge announces it.
Judge
Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty of committing a hate crime. For this, I hereby sentence you to the Alamosa Juvenile Hall, until you turn twenty-one.
Cartman
No!
Judge
I am making an example of you, to send a message out to people everywhere: that if you want to hurt another human being, you'd better make damn sure they're the same color as you are! [Cartman stares blankly back at the Judge, Stan and Kyle look at each other] Court is adjourned! [gavels one last time.]
The Girls
[Bebe, Lizzy, and Red jump for joy.] Woohoo! Hooray!
Judge
Bailiffs, escort this little bastard to Juvenile Hall.
Black Bailiff
Yes, sir. [they turn to face Cartman]
White Bailiff
Alright, you! ...Uh-uh-uh, where'd he go? [Cartman has disappeared, leaving a fallen chair behind]
Kenny's house. Cartman rushes up to it and pounds on the front door. Kenny opens the door
Cartman
[jumping excitedly] Kenny! Kenny, you have to get me out of town!
Kenny
(What the fuck for?!)
Cartman
They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime! You have to take me to Mexico!
Kenny
(Mexico?! Why the heck do I have to take you all the way to Mexico?!)
Cartman
[slaps Kenny] Calm down, Kenny!
Kenny
(Hey!)
Cartman
Do you still have that battery-powered toy truck you got last Christmas?!
Kenny
(Yes)
Cartman
Well, come on! I don't have much time! [heads for the garage. Outside, the garage door opens and a tiny truck creaks out with Kenny at the wheel and Cartman in the back seat]
News Flash: "High Speed Chase"
Anchor
A car chase is evolving on the 285 corridor east of South Park! Hate-crime suspect Eric Cartman is trying to outrun federal prosecutors in his friend's Go-Go Action Bronco! Our Eye in the Sky Greg Nimins is there live. Greg?
Greg Nimins
["NEWS 4 LIVE!"] Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading east on 285. Police officers are right behind him [in a single line, creeping] but as with any chase, they're keeping a safe distance to avoid any accidents here out on the highway. [Kenny takes a transition road off to his right] Tom, it looks like the fugitive is going to make a bold move off an exit off 285. He's going into a residential neighborhood now; this is where it could get dangerous, as there are pedestrians about.
In the Go-Go Action Bronco
Cartman
Damnit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?!
Kenny
[looks back] (Why don'tcha keep your head down?!) [Cartman ducks]
back to the report
Greg Nimins
Tom, the police have set a roadblock right where the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading. [they have also enlisted the fire department's help] This could be the final stand-off.
Policeman 1
[holds his hand up for a halt] Alright, that's far enough. Stop the Go-Go Action Bronco and come out with your hands up. [the Bronco keeps going] Just bring it to a stop and come on out. [the Bronco keeps going] Jeezus, he's gonna ram it! [the officers dive for cover and Kenny pushes into the two cars blocking his way. Slowly, tons of steel give way before the puny Bronco, and Kenny and Cartman break through the blockade. The Bronco leaves and the officers get up.] Crazy son of a bitch.
News Flash: Continuing coverage. Stan and Kyle watch the news flash at Stan's house
Greg Nimins
Well, it's been over thirteen hours now, and still the car chase has not ended. [eight cars are shown in four rows of two following the little Go-Go Action Bronco.]
Kyle
What the hell are they doing?
Greg Nimins
The chase has now moved through most of Arizona and nears the Mexican border.
Stan
Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico, how are we ever gonna win the sledding race on Saturday?
Kyle
Don't worry, dude. That little truck just runs on D batteries. It's gonna run out of juice soon. [the camera zooms out to show two lines of police cars following closely behind Kenny and Cartman. At least 22 cars are shown]
The Arizona desert
Cartman:
We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're gonna make it to Mexico! [the little Bronco crawls to a dead stop.] Oh, God dammit! [the police cars rush in and the first one bumps the Bronco down the road. The others run into the first one and pile on. A few cars fly over and crash]
Stan's house. The phone rings
Stan
[answers] Hello?
Lizzy
Just a friendly reminder: Cartman's going to jail and you've got four days until the race, rump rangers!
Stan
Son of a bitch!
A truck arrives at the main gates of a prison in the desert. The gates part and the truck enters
Driver
Here we are, the end of the road. Alamosa Maximum Security Juvenile Hall.
A clown face greets the truck and the double doors open. Officers line up and Cartman gets a good look at the inmates. Two kids are using weights, a third sits brooding, an angry African-American boy stands next to another brooding kid. Four kids play basketball, with the blond one having blood in his hair. Two kids play tic-tac-toe, and two others play tetherball. Cartman looks again and sees a sign saying, "Gruffy Bear sez: Try to escape and we'll shoot you where you stand." Two soldiers pace the catwalk above. Cartman looks again, and three boys beat a fourth over a football. A kid in nothing but briefs puts on airs while smoking. Cartman looks again and three babies play with blocks under an officer's semiautomatic. The babies are chained to each other
A few moments later, and Cartman is in an orange prison suit being admitted
Warden
Prisoner 24601, arriving. [Cartman enters holding some bedding] Forward, prisoner! You will wake up each morning at 0500. [leads him in] Lockdown is until 0900. At ten we begin random searches and checks for contraband. [they pass through a security door into the mess hall] At 11:30 we have naptime, followed by finger-painting. Your cellmate is Romper Stomper! [the other kids look up and gasp]
Cartman
Huh-who's Romper Stomper?
Romper Stomper
[steps into the aisle] I am! [His feet are shown with yellow pails underneath them. Cartman turns, and a menacing kid with a teardrop tattoo under the left eye looks back at him] And I don't want no new cellmate!
Warden
[Cartman hides behind him] You don't have a choice, Stomper! Now, show this new prisoner the ropes!
Romper Stomper
Oh, I will! [steps forward on his pails] You bet your ass I will.
Wednesday, Phil Collins Hill, practice run. Elevation: 9436 feet. The boys in the class are gathered at the summit with Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Phil Collins' face is the hill's defining geographic feature
Stan
Alright, guys. It looks like Cartman's not gonna be able to sled with us for another... 13 years, so in the meantime we need someone to race with us against the girls on Saturday.
Kyle
Yeah. Cartman's weight was what gave us speed, so we need to find the next-fattest kid besides Cartman. [The others look around at each other]
Stan
Come on, who's the second-fattest kid in South Park?
Butters
...Uuhh, I think Clyde is the next-fattest uh-kid.
Clyde
Huh?
Kyle
Yeah. Okay, get over here, Clyde.
Clyde
I'm not fat.
Stan
Deal with it, dude! Cartman's gone, so now you're the fat kid.
Kyle
Yeah, fatass! Get your fat butt on the sled!
Clyde
[sits on the back end of the sled] Hey, I'm not fat, you guys. I'm just kind of big-boned.
Stan
Dah, that's what they all say. Okay, ready? Go! [he, Kyle, and Kenny push off and then hop on as the sled picks up speed. The rest of the kids cheer them on]
Kyle
[as the sled stops] Awwgh! Hey dude, we don't even have enough weight to move.
Lizzy
[her team's sled passes the boys by] See you Saturday, poo sniffers!
Stan
[looks back at Clyde] Nice going, fat boy!
Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Some of the kids gather around Cartman.
Romper Stomper
Well, well, well. New fish. How about you come up with a reason why we don't break your arms?!
Inmates
Yeah!
Cartman
Uh... 'Cause I'm just like you guys. Uh-I'm one of you.
Romper Stomper
Oh yeah? The way I see it, there's two kinds of kids in the world: kids who like Animaniacs, and kids who don't like Animaniacs. You're either with us, or you're against us. So which are you?!
Cartman
Oh, uh, well, personally, I... uhuhuhuh, I... don't like Animaniacs?
Romper Stomper
[after some thought] ...Neither do we
Cartman
[softly] Oh, thank you, Jesus. [normally] So we're friends now?
Romper Stomper
No! There's no friends in the Big House! You come in with nobody and you leave with nobody. We don't believe in "friends."
Inmates
Yeah!
Cartman
Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck.
Romper Stomper
Now, go find me some cigarettes and I'll tell you how to bust out of here.
Phil Collins Hill, second practice run. Kyle and Kenny add the finishing touches to something on the sled
Stan
Okay, we've figured it out. To add more weight to the sled, we're gonna use these bricks [points to them], but we're gonna cover 'em with kid's clothes so that the girls think it's another kid!
Pip
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Clyde
So I don't get to be on the team now?
All the boys
Shut up, fatass!
Kyle
Yeah, why don't you go eat some more pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?! [Clyde glares back]
Stan
Come on, let's get it a try. [he and Kyle get on, and Kenny starts the sled and gets on,]
Kenny, Stan
Woopee!
Stan
Yeah-
Stan, Kenny, Kyle
Wo-o-o-o-oh! [they lose control of the sled and start spinning]
Stan
[to Kyle] Dude, bail! Bail! [they jump off, leaving Kenny with the brick rider. They end up face down]
Kenny
(Huh? Uh.) [the sled hits a rock, tossing him through the air] (AAAAAA!) [slams into a tree and sticks] (Ufff!) [the brick rider slams into him, killing him] (Ugh!)
Stan
[looks up] Ooh, my God, we killed Kenny.
Kyle
We killed Kenny?
Stan
We Killed Kenny. We're bastards. [they walk up to the tree and stand in front of the puddle of blood]
Kyle
Well, that didn't work. What else can we try?
Stan
Nothing else is gonna work. [the rest of the boys converge on the tree] We have to face the fact that without Cartman we're gonna lose to a bunch o' girls.
Butters
Well, uh-I sure do hate to, uh, to see my gender tuh, lose to a bunch o' women!
Pip
This is a sad day for men everywhere.
Stan
You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.
All the boys
Yeup.
Kyle
If only we had realized how special our time with his gigantic ass was.
Butters
Well, all that time we didn't understand what a... unique and magical ass it was.
Lizzy
[arrives and steps off the sled] Woohoo. Great time, girls. [notices Kenny flattened against the tree] Oh, gee. Looks like you lost another sledder. Good luck on Saturday, doughnut punchers! [walks away with her sled and the three other girls]
Stan
That does it! We've got no other choice! We've got to bust Cartman out of jail!
Some boys
Oh?
Other boys
[simultaneous] Huh?
Kyle
How?
Stan
I saw a movie once where they baked a cake and put a nail file inside of it.
Kyle
Sweet! Let's go!
The group
Hooray! Alright! Here we go!
Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Thursday. Visiting hours 10:00 to 2:00. Relatives have come to visit the inmates
Mother 1
And have you been brushing your teeth?
Boy 1
Yes, Mommy.
Mother 1
And not dropping your soap?
Boy 1
Yes, Mommy.
Boy 2
Hi, Mom.
Mother 2
Young man, that is the fourth time you've been late for our visiting time; you are grounded.
Boy 2
Grounded? On, no! Um, wait... [Cartman has no visitors yet]
Guard
[leads Kyle and Stan to Cartman] Here you go, boys. Keep it short.
Cartman
Hey you guys.
Kyle
[he and Stan take their seats] Hey, fatass. How's prison?
Cartman
Well, it sucks balls. Whattaya think?
Stan
Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate crime?! We're gonna lose to girls because of you!
Kyle
Yeah! So you gotta bust out of here. [lowers his voice] So we made you this cake. [lifts it onto the counter, and it reads, "Get Out Soon, Cartman"] There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.
Cartman
A what?
Kyle
[softly] An ailnay ilefay.
Cartman
Wwhat's that?
Kyle
Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!
Stan
Yeah, you stupid umbassday!
Cartman
I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here
Kyle
They on'tday?! [takes the cake down] Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this Od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay we're otallytay ewedscray!
Stan
...Yeah.
Cartman
[a guard walks past him] Look, that's not important right now! Did you guys bring the cigarettes?
Kyle
Well, we got some cigarettes, but we don't think you should be smoking. Each year, over a million people die of smo-
Cartman
Just hand over the God-damned cigarettes!
Stan
Sshh! [the guard looks over]
Cartman
Look, if you guys want me back to win the sledding race, [hushed] then I need those cigarettes.
Stan
How are we supposed to give them to you?
Cartman
Just pass them through these little drill holes here. That's what everybody does.
Stan
But they're gonna search you on your way back to your cell.
Cartman
I know. That's why I have to have them up my ass. [Stan and Kyle look at him and bust out laughing] Shut up, you guys! It's not funny!
Stan
Alright, here. [pulls some out and slips them through the holes one by one. The guard checks his watch and Cartman packs his ass]
Cartman
Well, okay... here... l'see...
Stan
Wow. I really wish I hadn't sat here and watched that.
Kyle
Me too.
Cartman
Okay, guys, eh... If you'll excuse me, I must be going now. [leaves the visiting area]
Kyle
Don't fart on your way out; you might make little smoke signals. [he and Stan laugh]
Cartman
[at the door] Hahah. Very funny, you guys, hahah. [the guard opens the door and Cartman walks in]
Alamosa Juvenile Hall, outside the main gate. Stan and Kyle exit and Stan sets the cake on the ground.
Stan
That sucks that we couldn't give him the nail file. [pulls it out]
Kyle
So now what do we do?
Stan
There's only one thing we can do. We have to go see Token and see if he'll forgive Cartman for hate-criming him. Come on, we're running out of time!
Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Cartman's cell. He enters
Romper Stomper
[reading a book, looks up] Well, did you get the cigarettes?
Cartman
Yes. They are safely concealed in the depths of my ass.
Romper Stomper
Alright. Go sit on the toilet and poop them out. I'll keep an eye out for the guards. [Cartman does as told and starts groaning]
Cartman
Engh. Egh. Uuuh, stupid cigarettes. [groans some more until a plop is heard] One. [groans and screams until a second plop is heard] Heh, two. [more groans] Come on! Uugh, come on, now! Come on, uuhhhgghh [plop] yeahhh. Hoh. Phew. [flushes the toilet and Romper looks up horrified] Hoh. ...Oh, God-damnit! [walks back to Romper crestfallen]
Romper Stomper
You flushed them?!
Cartman
Well, you spend eight years takin' a crap and then flushin' the toilet; it sorta becomes a reflex! Please, just help me bust out of here.
Romper Stomper
No way, douche. I told you: I ain't your friend. If you want me to help you, you're gonna have to sneak something else in for me.
Cartman
Son of a bitch!
South Park, Friday during the day. Stan and Kyle get off a bus onto an affluent part of town
Kyle
Dude, I didn't know Token lived so far away.
Stan
Yeah. You know, they bus in people from different races to our school to promote cultural diversity.
Kyle
Yeah. But isn't Token the only one?
Stan
Yeah. [they walk up to the front door of a nice house. Kyle rings the bell]
Linda Black
[answering] Hello?
Stan
Hi. Can Token come out and play?
Linda Black
Well, his head is still a little sore, but you can come in, if you like. [the boys enter]
Kyle
Killer.
Stan
[sees Token] Token, you don't wanna see us guys lose to girls tomorrow, do you?
Token
No.
Kyle
Well then, [Token begins to move away. Kyle holds his shoulder, but moves with him. Stan follows] you've got to call the jail right now and tell them that you forgive Cartman for being a dumbass!
Token
Yeah.
Steve Black
I'm afraid it's not that simple, boys.
Stan
It's not?
Steve Black
No. You see, the only person that can let Eric out of Juvenile Hall is the governor.
Kyle
Dammit! Son of a bitch, dammit! [remembers where he is] Oh, sorry.
Steve Black
No, I'd, actually agree with you.
Kyle
Huh?
Steve Black
Yeah. I have a real problem.with hate-crime legislation. In fact, I'd love to see you kids go down and give the governor a piece of my mind.
Stan
Well, why don't you tell the governor yourself?
Steve Black
Oh, he wouldn't listen to me.
Kyle
Why not?
Steve Black
Because I'm black.
Stan, Kyle
Oh.
Steve Black
Sit down, boys. I'm gonna give you a little lesson about hate-crime laws. [leads them away]
Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Cartman is at the toilet pooping something else. Romper is reading
Cartman
[moans and tries until a small splash is heard] Oh, thank God! Oh, thank you, Jesus, uh! Hoh. [walks in with a box and tosses it on the ground] Here you go, God-damnit!
Romper Stomper
[tosses his book away and stands up] Cool! My very own Tic-Tac-Throw game. [picks it up] Ew, it smells, man.
Cartman
Well, what the hell do you expect, huh?! Now I got your stupid game; tell me how to break out of here!
Romper Stomper
You're not gonna break out of here! You're here 'til you're 21, douche!
Cartman
But you said-
Romper Stomper
I just wanted you to sneak stuff in for me. What? You actually think I give a crap about you?
Cartman
I thought that-
Romper Stomper
Hneah. You'd better wise up to the way things work in the big house. [walks to the cell door] Hey guys! I gots me a new Tic-Tac-Throw [Cartman, forsaken, begins to cry] Yeah, it's a little ripe, but it's brand new, man! You can play it at recess. [turns to Cartman] Hey. Uh, what are you doing? [Cartman cries some more] You... you can't cry in prison, man. They'll bust your head open. What's the matter with you?!
Cartman
I want my Mo-omm [cries some more and rubs his eyes]
Romper Stomper
Dude. [walks up to Cartman]
Cartman
Mommy, I want my Mommy! [continues crying]
Romper Stomper
Look, if it's that important to you, I'll bust you out of here.
Cartman
You will?
Romper Stomper
Yeah. ...Yyeah, I will. Uh-but not because you're my friend. Only because... because I wanna bust out, too. Anh-anh, and see Disneyland.
The governor's office, day. An aide peeks in
Aide
Governor, the Free Eric Cartman Now Committee is here to see you?
Governor
Naw, not another committee. Send them in. [Stan, Kyle, and Token enter. Kyle carries a boombox and Token an easel with their presentation on it. They set up] This is the Free Eric Cartman Now Committee?
Token
Yeah.
Governor
Well, boys, what can I do for you?
Stan
[to Kyle] Okay, go ahead and start.
Kyle
I don't start, you start.
Stan
Oh, uhyeah. [walks to the easel and clears his throat] Hello, Mr. Governor, and thank you for taking the time to hear our presentation on hate-crime laws, entitled, "Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocrisy." [shows the title page. Kyle presses the play button for some ambiance] Yes, over the past few years our great country has been developing new hate crime laws.
Token
[flips a page to depict a stabbing in progress] If somebody kills somebody, it's a crime. But if someone kills somebody of a different color, it's a hate crime.
Kyle
And we think that that is [flips the page to reveal a copy of the title page] a savage hypocrisy, because all crimes are hate crimes. If a man beats another man because that man was sleeping with his wife, is that not a hate crime?
Stan
[flips the page to reveal a person tagging City Hall] If a person vandalizes a government building, is it not because of his hate for the government?
Token
[flips the page to reveal a man being hit deliberately by a car] And motivation for a crime shouldn't affect the sentencing.
Stan
[flips the page to reveal warring groups of people around a question mark] Mayor, it is time to stop splitting people into groups. All hate crimes do is support the idea that blacks are different from whites, that homosexuals need to be treated differently from non-homos, that we aren't the same.
Kyle
[shows a rainbow of people holding hands] But instead, we should all be treated the same, with the same laws and the same punishments for the same crimes [Stan flips the page to reveal their hate crime proposal]. For in that way Cartman can be freed from prison, and we [flips the page to show them winning a sledding race] will have a chance to win the sledding race on Thursday.
Stan
That is our presentation. An idea that we call...
Token
[flips the page to reveal another copy of the title page] "Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocrisy." [Kyle turns the tape player off]
Governor
Hm. That made the most sense of any presentation I've heard in the last three years.
Outside Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Friday night. Alarms sound and searchlights abound, indicating someone has broken out. Footsteps are heard, and Cartman and Romper climb over a hill
Romper Stomper
Hurry up! They're sending the dogs after us! [Cartman runs ahead, Romper trips on a rock] Mph. Oowww!
Cartman
[turns around] What's the matter?
Romper Stomper
[looks up] It's my leg! I think it's broken. [looks back] You go on ahead without me.
Cartman
Uhokay. [turns and runs]
Romper Stomper
Hey. [Cartman stops and turns] You're supposed to say, "I'm not going without you," or something.
Cartman
Oh. Really?
Romper Stomper
Look, kid, you go on. You've got something to live out there. You've got friends.
Cartman
Yeah. I never really realized that until just now.
Romper Stomper
I sure would have liked to have seen Disneyland. Here. I want you to have these. [offers his pails]
Cartman
Okay. [retrieves them]
Romper Stomper
No! You're supposed to say, "I can't take these," or something, dumbass!
Cartman
Oh. I can't take these. [offers them back]
Romper Stomper
Take them. They'll bring you luck. [looks back again] Now go on. Get out of here. [Cartman turns, walks some, and returns]
Cartman
Romper?
Romper Stomper
Yeah?
Cartman
You... well... I know you don't think you've... ever been anybody's friend, but, well, you're a friend to me.
Guard
[shows up with other guards] Alright, freeze! [Cartman steps to Romper's side]
Cartman
You'll never take us alive! We're going down together, pigs!
Guard
But you've been pardoned by the governor! [shows the document]
Cartman
[takes it] O ho ho, sweet. Later, dudes. [walks away]
Phil Collins Hill, Saturday. The sledders are at the top of the run and other kids are at the finish line
Lizzy
[at the front of the girls' sled] Well, come on! Are we racing or not?!
Stan
Just wait. We got Cartman pardoned; he'll be here any second.
Kyle
He's gotta show up. He's just got to.
Lizzy
Come on, my feet are getting cold, fudge packers!
Bebe
Yeah. If you're too scared to race, just say so!
Kyle
Dude, I guess we've just got to try it without him.
Stan
Alright, where's Clyde.
Clyde
[steps up] Right here.
Stan
Get on the sled, you fat piece of shit!
Clyde
For the last time, I'm not fat, so stop calling me fat, God-damnit! [realizes he's responded as Cartman would, and covers his mouth with both hands]
Kyle
On the sled, fatass!
Lizzy
Okay, girls. Time to show the boys what we can do!
Other girls
Yeah!
Butters
[steps into place with the starting flags] Huh-okay. Uh-ready, uhset,-
Cartman
[Butters looks up] You guys! [runs over a hill into view and races towards the group]
Stan
It's Cartman!
Boy Sledders
Hooray!
Cartman
That's right! I'm back! [Clyde walks over and hugs him, and he is surprised]
Clyde
Oh, thank you! Thank you for coming back! [relief creeps in] Thank you so much. Thank you.
Cartman
What the hell's wrong with Clyde?
Lizzy
This is your last chance! Are we racing or not?!
Stan
All right! Let's do this!
Butters
Okay. Everybody ready? On your marks.
Cartman
I hope I can adjust to life outside of the big house.
Butters
Uh-get set. Go! [lowers the flags, and the girls shove off]
Cartman
Been on the inside for so long, I don't remember how to live on the outside.
Kyle
Go, fatass!
Cartman
When a man is stripped of his freedom, degraded in the ways that I was, it's-
Token, Kyle, Stan
Go, fatass! [Cartman shoves the sled into motion and hops on]
Stan
Come on! We've gotta catch up to them! [the camera looks at the slope. The girls come down first, then the boys]
Lizzy
We've got' em, girls!
Kyle
Oh no! The girls are gonna win!
Kids at Finish Line
Go! You can do it! Come on!
Stan
We're not gonna make it! [Cartman thinks, then he remembers.]
Cartman
Hey. [pulls out the pails and tosses them at the girls' sled]
Lizzy
G'aaaaah! [the pails gum up the reins. The girls' sled veers off the run and over a cliff. The weightlessness causes the girls and sled to separate, and all fall scattered on the ground below. A brown bear comes up]
Bear
Rowr. {carries Lizzy away]
Boy Sledders
[crossing the finish line] Hooray!
Stan
We did it!
Girls
Awww. [walk away disappointed, leaving only one blonde carrying a sign: GIRLS RULE]
Kyle
We won! We won!
Butters
Yeah. Why, we sure-uh gave those skanky bitches what for!
Boys
Hooray!
Kyle
It's good to have you back, Cartman.
Stan
Yeah,. We're never gonna take you ass for granted ever again.
Cartman
Yeah, and I'm not gonna take my friends for granted ever again.
Pip
Let's all hear it for Cartman's big, fat ass! [no one does. Cartman picks up a rock and throws it at him] Oh-ff. [falls on his face. The rock lands next to Cartman]
Cartman
Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?
Stan, Kyle, Butters, Token
Naah.
Cartman
Sweet.
Alamosa Juvenile Hall, later, Romper's cell. He is reading
Guard
Hey! Romper Stomper! Get up! [Romper gets up] You got a visitor! [rolls the door aside and Cartman enters]
Romper Stomper
Eric!
Cartman
Hey, Romper Stomper.
Romper Stomper
Wow! I've never had a visitor before!
Cartman
Well, that's not all. I snuck something in for you, too.
Romper Stomper
You did? [Cartman goes to the door to make sure the guards are gone, then returns to Stomper]
Cartman
You know how you told me you always wanted to see Disneyland?
Romper Stomper
Yeah. [Cartman walks off to the toilet]
Cartman
[begins grunting. A few moments later, and a grin breaks out on Stomper's face. A big splash follows] Yeah! That's the Pirates of the Caribbean. Ugh.
Romper Stomper
Whoa! [end credits roll]
Cartman
Hegh. Oh! Here comes Space Mountain-oh-uugh. [splash. Romper is stunned] Ogh! Wait-
Romper Stomper
Oh, yeah!
Cartman
[grunts some more] Uh, what else? [splash] Splash Mountain, that comes now-oh! [grunts some more, then, splash]
Romper Stomper
Oh, the monorail!
仇恨法案 結束
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