You Have 0 Friends/Script

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Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Butters Stotch
• Wendy Testaburger
• Randy Marsh
• Herbert Garrison
• Kip Drordy
• Mr. and Mrs. Drordy
• Boy
• Computer voice
• Dude
• Gary Johnson
• Grandma Marsh
• Guard
• Kevin Donahue
• Man 1
• Man 2
• Various profiles, including one for Tom Davis
• Profile Stan Marsh
• Referee
• Susan92

Script

You Have 0 Friends
	Kyle's room, day. Kyle is at his computer. Kenny's on his laptop on Kyle's bed while Cartman is on the Internet on his phone.
Cartman	I've got more friends than Kyle! I've got more friends than Kyle!
Kyle	How the hell do you have more friends than me?
Cartman	'Cause people think I'm cool, dude.
Kyle	How many friends do you have, Kenny?
Kenny	(62.)
Kyle	What? How the hell do I only have 37 friends?
Stan	[walks in] Aww, are you guys doing that stupid Facebook stuff again?
Cartman	[retorts] Stupid Facebook stuff.
Stan	Why are you guys in here wasting your time? We're supposed to be out playing video games.
Kyle	Stan, you don't get how cool Facebook has become. You can message your friends, play Yahtzee with your friends, even start your own virtual farm and have your friends visit it.
Stan	Dude, who the hell wants to play Yahtzee?
Cartman	Stan, we know it's hard to get started, but we have a little surprise for you.
Kyle	Yeah dude, we made you your own Facebook page. [smiles]
Cartman	Surprise! [smiles]
Stan	No, I told you guys I don't wanna be on Facebook!
Kyle	Yeah, but now you can be friends with all of us!
Kenny	(Yeah!)
Stan	I'm not collecting friends and I'm not building any farms! I don't wanna get sucked into this!
Cartman	Alright, fine dude, you don't have to add any friends. You can just be like Kip Drordy.
Stan	Who?
Cartman	Kip Drordy, the third grader? He's got no Facebook friends. [begins to gloat] And he's had a profile for more than 6 months.
Kyle	Aww gee, that's... so sad. Everyone should have one Facebook friend.
Stan	You guys are retarded, I'm playing Xbox. [turns around and walks out.]
Kyle	There's really people out there without a Facebook friend in the world? That's so wrong.
	Kip Drordy's room, day. Kip sits there on his stool, a lonely figure with a misshapen head, looking at his monitor, hoping for a friend to finally appear on his Facebook page. "You have 0 friends." He looks away from the monitor and sighs, wiping a tear from his nose. A small pop-up window appears. Kip looks at it, then startles himself. He gets to his keyboard and reads the window: "Kyle Broflovski has added you as a friend." He rubs his eyes in disbelief and looks again. "Confirm Kyle as your friend?" He moves the cursor down to the "Confirm" button and clicks on it. Now his page reads "You have 1 friend."
Kip	[getting excited] Ahhhhh. [gets off his stool and runs around the room] Haaa! Haaaaaaaaaa! Yeah! [opens the door, runs out of his room and down the stairs and into the kitchen]
	Kitchen, day.
Kip	Mom, Dad! I made a friend today!
Kip's mom	Kip, really?
Kip's dad	You did?
Kip	Yeah!! [jumps for joy]
Kip's dad	Huh son, that's wonderful.
Kip's mom	What's his name?
Kip	Kyle Broflovski! He's a student, and his interests include video games and reading.
Kip's mom	Oh, is he a nice boy?
Kip	Oh, he's the best, Mom! He has a green hat, and he wants the world to stop talking about ninjas. Oh! I need to tell him what I'm currently thinking about! What am I currently thinking about?! [runs back to his room]
	The Marsh dining room, evening. Stan is at the table doing homework. Randy pops in from the kitchen.
Randy	Hey, Stan, I was on my computer at work and saw that you have a Facebook page now?
Stan	Yeah, Dad, I was kinda forced to.
Randy	Well, so... are you gonna add me as a friend?
Stan	[looks over his shoulder] No- Dad, I I really don't wanna get more into it.
Randy	...Oh okay. [walks away, but returns a few seconds later] So I'm, I'm not your friend then?
Stan	Dad, you are my friend.
Randy	...But you just don't wanna, add me, as a friend?
Stan	Dad, it's just a stupid click of a button, it takes 2 seconds!
Randy	Right, but you don't have... the 2 seconds or...?
Stan	I just wanna do my homework!
Randy	Alright, fine. [walks away again. Stan puts his face in his left palm, then gets back to homework. Randy returns...] Just to be clear, you and I are not... friends?
Stan	Alright, Dad, I'll add you!
Randy	Oh cool! Okay. [walks away]
	The Drordy house, night. The parents are watching TV from their sofa. Kip runs in.
Kip	Mom, Dad, my best friend Kyle? He went to the dentist yesterday, and got two fillings! And today he's wondering if Hurt Locker really deserved the Oscar!
Kip's mom	That's great, Kip!
Kip	Yeah! [runs off]
Kip's dad	They sure are getting to know each other.
Kip's mom	It's amazing! You know Kip spent the morning at the boy's farm?
Kip's dad	His friend lives on a farm?
	Kyle's room, night. He's at his computer working on his farm - in Farmville.
Kyle	I think I'll add some more... pigs. [done] Oh, maybe I should put in another field of corn there. [moves his avatar to his corn fields and adds one] There we go. Nice. [a click and a small whoosh are heard, and Kyle looks at his screen. "You have 29 friends"] 29? No, I have 30 friends. [a click and a small whoosh are heard. "You have 28 friends." More of these sounds are heard as Kyle's friend count drops] Hey what the hell is-? Oh, no! Oh, shit! [Kyle does what he can, but keeps losing friends]
	South Park Elementary, day. Stan is at his locker switching books. Wendy walks up behind him.
Wendy	Am I a joke to you?
Stan	[stops moving, then turns around] What?
Wendy	I just wanna know, is that all I am? A big joke?
Stan	...Um, no?
Wendy	You do have a Facebook page, Stan!
Stan	Oh, Goddamnit no! I just got that because Kyle-
Wendy	Yeah, well, I saw your page, Stan! Relationship status? Single?
Stan	Relationship stat- I didn't even pay any attention to that-
Wendy	You like being single, Stan? So that you could use Facebook to find other girls?! According to your Facebook page, [folds her arms] we aren't friends!
Stan	Alright, I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry.
Wendy	And you'd better change your relationship status to "In a relationship"!
Stan	How?
Wendy	By editing your profile under "basic information"!
Stan	Okay, I'm sorry!
	Stan's room, night. He's at his computer editing his profile.
Stan	"Edit profile. Basic... settings" Jesus Christ!
Randy	Stan? Why won't you be friends with Grandma?
Stan	Aw, Dad, I just really don't wanna pay attention to this thing!
Randy	Grandma is in the hospital! And you won't even be friends with her!
Stan	Alright, Dad, I'll add Grandma as a friend.
Randy	That's better. Oh, and I sent you a funny picture and you didn't respond to it. [walks away]
Stan	Dude, fuck Facebook! Seriously! [an update pops up] What the hell is this?! Podcast?
Cartman	[in a video podcast] Welcome to Cartman's Incredible Podcast! [Mad Friends podcast. Cartman sits behind a Mad Friends desk. At the bottom of the screen are two tickers. The upper one shows changes in friend stocks, the lower one shows Facebook updates] Hello fellow Facebookers, I'm here to do one thing: get you more friends! [rings a bell and leaves his chair] Looking around Facebook today we see that since adding loser Kip Drordy as a friend, Kyle Broflovski's stock is plummeting! He had 55 friends just 2 days ago, he's down to just 11 this morning. Run to your Facebook account and delete Kyle from your friend list because he is poison and I don't see him making a comeback any time soon. [presses a big red button, which produces a shotgun blast] You're gonna want to dump Kyle and if at all possible add Clyde Donovan. Why? [shows a birthday cake] Birthday! That's right, Clyde has a birthday coming up and his mom is taking everyone to Casa Bonita. [presses a button that produces the sound of a whistle] If you don't have Clyde as a friend, you're gonna want to add him, because Clyde's numbers are about to go way up! And now, Word On The Street. [cranks up a player that repeats "Word On The Street"] The rumors are now becoming more than that; Jimmy and Bebe have agreed to share their friends. That's right. Looks like we're about to have a merger [presses a robot that says "MERGER"] So if you're a friend of Jimmy's you're about to luck into about 90 chick friends, and as we all know, chick friends are worth almost triple what dude friends are. That's all the time I have for today. Remember, update that profile, and steer clear of Kyle!
	The Marsh living room, nighttime. A knock is heard at the front door and Stan walks to the door and opens it. It's raining outside and Kyle is on the steps. He sniffles.
Kyle	Can I come in?
Stan	Sure, dude. [Kyle enters, still sniffling] Dude, what's the matter?
	Kyle turns to face his friend, tears in his eyes.
Kyle	I... don't... have... any... friends...
Stan	What?
Kyle	I mean, I do, but, well, ever since I became friends with that Kip Drordy kid, a bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me. It would be fine except for my farm is starting to shrink. I know that I should just dump Kip as a friend, but that's such a terrible thing to do and, I'm sorry I'm just so confused I... I really need a friend right now.
Stan	Okay, dude, I'm I'm here for you.
Kyle	Okay, so then get on Facebook and fertilize my crops?
Stan	No!
Kyle	Pleahehese! My farm hasn't expanded in 3 days!
Stan	Dude, I've already had to become friends with all of Wendy's friends and my grandma's friends! I do not want to start doing all the farming stuff too! I'm not getting sucked into that!
Kyle	[rushes up to Stan, falls on his knees, and grabs the lower part of his friend's jacket] You don't get sucked into it! You don't get sucked in at all! Plehehehehehease!
Stan	[frustrated] Ah, fuck!
	Stan's room, moments later. Stan is at his computer while Kyle watches on his phone.
Stan	Okay, it says I'm at your farm.
Kyle	Okay, so now just click on the little soil button... [Stan does so] and then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm... [Stan does so] Okay, now I can read the sign you put up...
Stan	Okay, it says you and I are now very good friends.
Kyle	Yeah. We're very good friends. We're very good friends, Stan!
	The Drordy house, day. The family is in the kitchen. Kip and his father are at the table eating while his mom is in the kitchen proper serving herself.
Kip's dad	So, Kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today?
Kip	Oh, yeah Dad, we've been having the best time! I showed him all the pictures of me and that silly Halloween costume last year.
Kip's mom	[joins the boys at the table] Oh, what'd he say about those?
Kip	He laughed out loud. And then he was rolling on the floor laughin'!
Kip's dad	Sounds like you boys had a ball!
Kip	Mom, Dad, I'm all done. Can I go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what I had for dinner?
Kip's dad	Well, it's a little late, but it is Friday.
Kip's mom	I think the more time you spend with your little friend, the better.
Kip	Wow, thanks! [runs out of the kitchen]
Kip's mom	Have fun and be safe! [Kip runs through the living room and upstairs, then enters his own room]
	Kip's room, night. Kip runs to his computer and gets onto Facebook. He begins to type.
Kip	Ate a pork chop for dinner. Had nice apple sauce too. [clicks on Share, and there's his status. He waits for a reply, from 7:20 to 8:30. He gets a reply: Kyle likes the post] Hahaa haha! Yeah! [gets off his chair and dances around] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
	South Park, day. Stan exits a Comic store with some comic books and turns right, only to stop when he sees Wendy.
Wendy	"I think you look cute in your bunny costume."
Stan	What?
Wendy	"I think you look cute in your bunny costume." What is that supposed to mean?!
Stan	...I have no idea.
Wendy	That's what Susan92 wrote on your Facebook wall! You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?! Fuck you! [walks off angrily]
Stan	[turns to see her walk off] Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old! [turns around and continues on his way. He walks by an electronics store]
Man 1	[standing in the doorway with a cigarette in his left hand] Oh, hey, Stan, I'm your friend Brian through your Uncle Jimbo? Hey, I commented on your status but I haven't heard back from you. Could you give me a poke sometime soon?
Stan	Fine! [continues walking, but a car pulls up next to him.]
Man 2	Hey, kid, how come you ignored my friend request?
Stan	[looks at him like he's crazy] I don't know you!
Man 2	Yeah, well I'm just a guy that gets ignored, I guess! [spits on Stan and drives off, Stan begins to shake in fury]
	Stan's computer, later. He's looking at his Facebook page, still steaming from his encounters outside Comic Factory. "You have 845,000 friends".
Randy	Stan? Grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back.
Stan	Dad, I didn't even wanna do th-
Randy	Stan, poke your grandma!
Stan	[squeezes his eyes shut and stays still for a moment] No. NO! Screw this! You know what? "Edit Profile > Update Profile." There! "Delete Profile"! [reads the popup] "You have requested to delete your Facebook profile. If this is an error, hit Cancel" Proceed! [presses "Proceed," then reads the next popup.] "Delete your profile, are you sure? Yes. No." Yes! "Are you totally sure?" Yes! [clicks on it and his screen goes black. A blinking amber cursor appears]
Computer voice	[the following words appear onscreen] I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Stan Marsh.
Stan	You can't let me do that? What are you talking about? [his monitor has a built-in Webcam]
Computer voice	I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid.
Stan	Delete Profile! "Are you totally sure? Yes or-" Yes! Goddamnit yes! Delete! Delete delete! [the webcam lights up and shoots a laser at Stan's forehead, knocking him back on his chair. It then sets up boxes of energy around his body] Hey, Dad? [the camera begins scanning him in bit by bit, pixel by pixel] Dad? [He disappeared from his chair and he transported through the webcam. He soon appears on a virtual floor after traveling down some tunnels] Oh, dude, what the fuck? [Neon lights appear all over]
	Inside the game grid. 3 guards approach him.
Guard 1	Alright get moving, Profile.
Stan	Profile? I'm not a profile.
Guard 1	Ignore. [shocks him with an electric prod.]
Stan	AAH. [The guards escort Stan away]
Profile 1	Tom Davis says hello to Linda Green's profile.
Profile 2	Linda Green likes how Tom Davis has changed his status.
Stan	Excuse me, my name is-
Profile 3	Ignore.
Stan	Eh hey, could you tell me how I-
Profile 4	Ignore.
Stan	[realizes where he is] Aw, goddamnit! I got sucked into Facebook!
	Mad Friends, which is being broadcast from Cartman's basement. Kyle has made it onto Cartman's podcast.
Kyle	I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up. I'm desperate. That's why I came to you.
Cartman	You're very smart, Kyle. But the truth is, as long as you have that Kip Drordy loser as a Facebook friend, people view your friendship as a liability. You gotta dump him.
Kyle	I can't do that. I'd just feel too bad.
Cartman	Well, Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles and try to make friends with people who've never heard of Kip.
Kyle	I've been trying! But I just don't know how to make totally new friends on the Internet.
Cartman	It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle. Have you ever heard of chatroulette?
Kyle	No. What's chatroulette?
	Cartman's room, later. Cartman is at his computer while Kyle sits on a chair looking on.
Cartman	Yep, finding new friends is easier today than ever before. We just set ourselves up on webcam, and then the computer will randomly put us with one of the 50,000 people online also doing chatroulette.
Kyle	Hey, uh, that's, that's kinda cool.
Cartman	Uh-huh. Alright, let's see who our first chat partner is. Connect.
Kyle	[a look of disgust comes over him] Aww, that's some dude jacking off! [turns away quickly]
Cartman	Oh yeah, you get those sometimes. We'll just click to the next person. There we go. Hello?
Kyle	That's just a guy's penis too!
Cartman	Okay, let's, let's try this one.
Kyle	[turns away quickly] Dude, I don't wanna see a bunch of guys' penises!
Cartman	Hold on, Kyle! This is seriously an amazing gathering place where people from all over the world can share their thoughts and ideas. [goes onto the next person] Okay, that's a dude jacking off, but... 'Kay, dude jacking off... Penis... Penis... Penis penis penis. Ah! Here's a guy! Hey dude, how's it going?
Dude	[waves] Hey.
Cartman	This is my friend Kyle. He's looking for some new friends.
Dude	Oh yeah? [leaves his chair and goes to the other end of his room, turns around, unzips his pants]
Cartman	Ohh, he's taking out his penis. Okay, next guy...
Kyle	Dude, screw this! I don't wanna see anymore!
Cartman	Kyle, this is the way the world works! If you wanna find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first!
	The game grid. Stan walks around.
Stan	Excuse me. Could you tell me what the hell's going on?
Tom Davis	No, you aren't my friend. Would you like to be my friend?
Stan	No, I seriously don't want any more friends.
Tom Davis	Ignore. [turns to talk to another profile] So anyway, I really like taking long walks in the summer, you know, because there's like
Stan	Okay I'll be your friend.
Tom Davis	[turns back to Stan] Confirm. [both of them feel a surge of energy in their game suits, shown by the suits lighting up, then it disappears] Oooo, Tom Davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend. Here are some pictures of my dog. And here he is in some silly outfits. Can you comment on these?
Stan	Awww!
Guard	[comes up behind Stan] Move it, profile!
Tom Davis	Oh oh.
Stan	Why oh oh?
Profile 5	They're taking him to the gaming arena.
Tom Davis	Looks like I'm gonna be down a friend. [the guards escort Stan to the arena, shocking him once in a while. Another profile appears next to him]
Referee	You are about to face each other in combat! You will play the game for the amusement of the users! [the arena is activated and Stan and the other profile are sent in] Let the game commence! [they face each other and virtual bikes pop up under them, lifting them off the floor. The bikes are replaced with a table and two stools and a guard brings a game of Yahtzee to the table.]
Stan	Yahtzee?
Referee	One round only! Begin! [the opposing profile rolls first, leaves a pair of 3s and scoops up three dice, rolls again]
Profile 6	Uhhh, I'm gonna count 5 in my 5 box.
Stan	Can't we play on speeder bikes or something?
Guard	[shocks him] Play, profile!
Stan	[rolls and gets 5 4s] Yahtzee. [the other profile gasps and vanishes in a fair bit of pain]
	Cartman's room, later. Cartman is still clicking through chatroulette chatters.
Cartman	Dude jacking off... Dude jacking off... [coughs to clear his throat] That's a dude jacking off...
Kyle	That's it Cartman, I'm outta here! [walks to the bedroom door] Chatroulette is no way for me to find new friends! [about to open the door]
Cartman	Waitwait wait wait, wait Kyle! [Kyle turns and goes back to Cartman's desk.] Here's a nice little Jewish kid. Hey, hi there.
Boy	Hello.
Cartman	Yeah hey, nice to meet you. My friend Kyle is a Jew too.
Boy	Oh that's cool. I was startin' to think this was nothin' but dudes jackin' off.
Kyle	Hey, so... do you wanna be Facebook friends?
Boy	Uhh, sure. If you'll come and visit my farm.
Kyle	Heck, yeah. I'll visit your farm! You should check mine out too!
	The Drordy house, day, kitchen. Mr. Drordy reads The World News, Mrs. Drordy is drying dishes.
Kip's dad	Honey, where's Kip? I haven't seen him all day.
Kip's mom	No, he's been out spending the whole day with his best friend Kyle. I think they're at the movies now.
	The Bijou. Kip is in the audience enjoying the hell out of himself. He's watching a 3D movie with everyone else, as they're all wearing 3D glasses. He spills some popcorn onto an open laptop he brought with him. Kyle's Facebook page appears on the laptop screen. Kip takes out a camera and snaps a shot of himself and his laptop
	[The gaming arena. The referee is angry...]
Referee	Troublemaker! You were not supposed to survive the game of Yahtzee! You have made things complicated!
Stan	I've made them complicated?! I don't even wanna be here!
Referee	That's not what your profile said.
Stan	My profile? Goddamnit my Facebook profile has taken on a life of its own! Where is it?!
Referee	Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of Facebook. You cannot stop it now.
Stan	Oh yeah? I can try! [turns around and walks through a wall]
Referee	After him!
	Kyle's Facebook page. Kyle is working on his farm again.
Kyle	Okay, I fed the pigs. Now I definitely should water some fields... Oh, wow, cool. That Jewish kid put up a sign on my farm. "Hey, Kyle, really like your farm." Oh awesome! [a new sound is heard] What the hell is that? Stan? [Stan appears on Kyle's farm and walks to the middle of the screen]
Stan	You're an asshole, Kyle!
Kyle	[perplexed] ...What?
Stan	What's the one thing I told you?! That I didn't wanna get sucked into Facebook! This is all your fault!
Kyle	[looks around making sure the coast is clear] Dude, w-what are you doing?
Stan	What's it look like I'm doing?! I found your farm in Facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit! You've gotta go check out my profile status!
Kyle	Profile status?
Stan	Just bring up my Facebook page and see what it says my status is!
Kyle	Well, Stan, I have to harvest my crops before it's too late.
Stan	DUDE! Fuck your crops! [walks up to Kyle's corn and starts ripping the stalks up]
Kyle	Dude! Dude! Okay! S-Stop! I'm sorry! [pulls up Stan's status] Says that you are currently... hosting an online chat party for all your friends.
Stan	Where?
Kyle	Café World.
Stan	Son of a bitch! [runs back to the barn he came out of]
Kyle	An online chat party for all his friends... Dude, I should get over there!
	Café World. Stan approaches the entrance, which has a sign next to it: "Friends of Stan Marsh Online Chat Party". He enters and is overwhelmed by the number of people in the café.
Stan	Jesus Christ.
Randy's profile	Randy Marsh is at work right now. Work is boring.
Butters' profile	Butters Stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party.
Mr. Garrison's profile	Garrison likes Butters' comment.
Grandma Marsh's profile	Grandma Marsh would like to be friends with Kevin Donahue.
Kevin Donahue's profile	Kevin Donahue accept's Grandma Marsh's friendship.
Stan	Has anybody seen my stupid profile?!
Susan92's profile	Susan92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume.
Gary Johnson's profile	Gary Johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic!
Kyle	Wow, there's a lot of profiles here. Kyle Broflovski's amazed Stan has so many Facebook friends. Hey, Kyle Broflovski's amazed Isiah is also a Facebook friend of Stan's.
Isiah	Isiah's order is on leaving Kyle Broflovski as a friend.
Kyle	What? Why?
Isiah	User saw you were friends with Kip Drordy, who only has one friend. Kyle Broflovski is bad friend stock.
Kyle	Oh n-no, I'm not really friends with him.
Isiah	Ignore.
Kyle	Unh, that does it!
Stan	Alright alright, enough! Everybody just SHUT UP! [everyone shuts up and looks at him] Where is profile Stan Marsh?! [the room begins to rumble]
Profile Stan Marsh	[rising from the ground] Right here.
Stan	Uh-oh...
	Kyle's room, night. Kyle is at his desk thinking about how to break the news to Kip.
Kyle	I'm sorry, Kip, but I really can't be your friend anymore. It was a great ride, but I must say goodbye. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but ending a friendship... is never easy. [moves the cursor to the Send button and clicks it. With the message sent, Kyle moves the cursor to the left side of the screen and selects "Remove from Friends," and clicks that. A popup window shows up: "Kip Drordy - Remove from Friends?" He clicks on "Remove from Friends" and Facebook tells him his friend is removed.]
	Kip's room, night. He's at his computer typing along happily when he sees Kyle's message. He's disheartened. Kyle disappears from his friend list and he's back down to 0 friends. Kip leaves his stool and walks over to a wall on which he has a large picture of Kyle. He takes the picture down and returns to his stool, and sighs.
	The gaming arena. Stan and his profile face off. His profile is 10 times bigger than Stan himself is, towering over him.
Stan	What do you want from me, dude?!
Profile Stan Marsh	I'm your profile, and as you can see, I am much more powerful than you.
Stan	Damn it! I should have deleted you a long time ago!
Profile Stan Marsh	[gets down on one knee to Stan's eye level] Why do you think I brought you in here? The fact of the matter is I'm up and running now with almost a million friends. I don't need you anymore. I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world.
Stan	Who cares? Friends shouldn't be some kind of... commodity for a person's status!
Profile Stan Marsh	Who is more powerful? The user or the profile? Let's end this once and for all. [the Yahtzee platform appears under them]
Referee	Let the final battle begin! [the crowd drops down, or the platform rises. Hard to tell. The table and two stools appear and a guard brings the Yahtzee board game over]
Stan	Fucking Yahtzee again? Seriously? [his giant profile takes a seat and rolls the dice]
Profile Stan Marsh	What did I tell you?! That's a large flush already! You don't have a chance in here, user! You pathetic little-
Stan	Yahtzee.
Profile Stan Marsh	What?!
Stan	Yahtzee. 6s.
Profile Stan Marsh	No. Can't be.
Randy	Yahtzee!
Profile Stan Marsh	No! Ahhhhh! [vanishes in a fair bit of pain. After some silence, Stan disappears from the arena and is reassembled back on his chair at home]
	Stan's room, moments later.
Stan	Awgh! [catches his breath. With his profile destroyed, Stan sees that he has 0 friends.] Oh, thank God.
Randy	Hey, Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore?
Stan	My Facebook profile went rogue, Dad. I had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. I sent all my friends somewhere else.
Randy	Oh, okay. So we're, we're not friends, then?
Stan	Fuck off, Dad. [turns off the monitor and leaves his desk.]
	Kip's room, night. Kip is waiting by his computer for a friend, any friend, to appear and become his friend. A sound is heard and all of a sudden Kip has a lot of friends - 845,323 of them - and he's shocked. Then he gets excited all over again. He dances and jumps on his stool.
End of You Have 0 Friends