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Juan Jose Rodriguez

aka Juan Jose Rodriguez

  • I live in Blistering North of Canada
  • I was born on April 7
  • My occupation is Administrator
  • I am Male

Juan José Rodriguez, commonly known as José, is a student at South Park Elementary and a friend of several of the main characters, including Kyle, Stan, Token and Wendy.

Appearance

José wears a dark green and black cap tilted sideways, a dark green t-shirt with a print of Che Guevara (similar to the t-shirt worn by Kyle in Die Hippie, Die), a silver necklace, two armbands and black pants. However, his common outfits sometimes include a green hoodie and a paintball helmet. Cartman seems to regularly question the Che Guevara emblem on his shirt, claiming that Che is 'a terrorist'.

He is sometimes shown without his cap, and underneath it, he has short, black hair spiked to an angle. José is almost never seen with a different hairstyle.

José, unlike many of the other characters, was not born in South Park. Instead, he was born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. (This makes him one of the only typical Canadians to not have a comical egg-shaped head, such as Ike Broflovski) However, he can easily trace his origins to Mexico, and is often regarded as one of the only 'foreign' kids in the school (along with Token, the only African-American in the elementary school).

Personality and Interests

Upon arrival to the elementary school (in Who's the new Spic in Town?), José seems to immediately display intelligence and kindness towards Kyle, Stan, Token and Wendy, but shows his seemingly instant hatred towards Cartman for his racism and intolerance. José lists many of his hobbies and interests to be writing, sports, animals, video games and paintball, among others. Later on in the episode, he successfully recruits the aforementioned students (save Cartman, for obvious reasons) onto a paintball team. He shows his acceptance towards Wendy wanting to paintball as well (an action that made Cartman utterly confused about), and also showing no indifference towards Kyle's belief in Judaism. In retrospect, José seems to be Cartman's complete opposite regarding open acceptance of sexuality, gender, religion, race and morals.

Relationships

Friendship with Kyle Broflovski

José seems to respect Kyle a lot, and jumps in to defend him immediately against Cartman's discrimination. José later explains to Kyle that he wants to fully understand different religions, so he asks Kyle about his belief in Judaism. However, unlike others, José respects Kyle for his beliefs rather than ridicule him. José is also extremely eager to recruit Kyle onto his paintball team, The Spinal Tappers, as he is impressed with his bold, yet defensive attitude.

Friendship with Stan Marsh

José also seems to respect Stan and hold him in high regard, as he was told that Stan is an avid weapons expert. Stan also accepted José, going as far to suggest kicking Cartman out of their group and instead invite José into it. José is rather impressed that Stan managed to get into a relationship with Wendy, and is quick to stand up for him (and Kyle) against Cartman's discrimination. Overall, Kyle and Stan seem to be the most understanding of José, as is José regarding Stan and Kyle to be his best friends.

Friendship with Wendy Testaburger

José joins Mr. Garrison's 4th grade class during a time when the class is debating politics - the subject at hand turning to Barack Obama. Upon realizing that Wendy is actively interested in political debates, he takes a liking to her. He also shows no surprise to her offering to join the paintball team, despite the apparent shock shown by Cartman. Stan begins to suspect that José has feelings for Wendy on account of his eagerness and kindness towards her, but José assures Stan that he, in no way, is in a relationship with Wendy and likes her only as a friend. José assigns Wendy the 'sniper' role for the paintball team, The Spinal Tappers.

Friendship with Token Black

José seems to consider Token Black a good friend, on account that they agree on different subjects and they both seem to hate Cartman's discrimination. José is also eager to invite Token to join The Spinal Tappers, and when Token does, he is assigned the 'demolitions expert' and given paintball grenades. All in all, José defends and sees Token as a great friend, along with Wendy, Stan and Kyle.

Conflict with Eric Cartman

If anything, José has a deep hatred for Eric since their first encounter on account of his discrimination, sexism, racism, and lack of acceptance of sexuality and morals. Cartman also insulted José on multiple occasions, including referring to him as a 'spic' and cracking Mexican jokes within the first few minutes of José's arrival in South Park Elementary. Cartman also claimed that Che Guevara was a 'terrorist' and that his paintball team was a disassembled group of a 'spic, black guy, Jew, gaywad and girl' (referring to José, Token, Kyle, Stan and Wendy, in that order). However, José seems to try to ignore Cartman as much as he can.

First Appearance

José first appeared in the episode Who's the new Spic in Town? as a new student and new resident to South Park, Colorado. Upon Mr. Garrison's mentioning of his name, Butters immediately deduces that the last time a foreign kid came to South Park, Cartman was immediately against him, making racial claims. Sure enough, only moments pass before Cartman makes a Mexican joke upon José's entry to the class. Craig's group begins to laugh, save Token, who awkwardly stares at José. Upon José's introduction, where he tells the class of his interests and hobbies, the class gets involved into a political debate. When the subject falls upon Barack Obama, José is quick to throw in his support and is intrigued with Wendy's activism for political debates. The recess bell rings and the kids leave to go outside.

Cartman seems intent on cracking racist jokes about José (which end up to mock Kyle as well) before Token claims he's had enough of Cartman's racism and seemingly abandons Craig's group. Instead, he walks over to José, Stan and Kyle, where they are getting to know eachother. When José offers Stan to join his paintball team, Stan seems unsure, on account that he suspects José might have a crush on his girlfriend, Wendy. However, José assures him this is not the case, and the three of them notice Token. Token tells the three he stopped hanging out with Craig and would like to join their group. José takes the opportunity to invite Kyle and Token onto the paintball team (named the Spinal Tappers). He says that in Denver, Colorado, there would be an upcoming under-13 paintball championship for teams of five. However, they are left with the realization that there would only be four members. Kyle rules out potential members, such as Kenny and Butters, but he is interrupted with Wendy asking (rather loudly) to join the paintball team. Cartman begins to laugh (as far to go into hysterics), explaining that as Wendy is a girl, she is therefore unfit for practically any physical sport. He goes on to claim that the entire notion of a team with the aforementioned players would be a team of 'a spic, black guy, Jew, gaywad and girl' (aside from the fact that Stan is obviously not gay, according to his relationship with Wendy). José picks Cartman up by the jacket and explains that he cannot tolerate anybody who is "racist, sexist, discriminatory, religiously intolerant and morally incorrect". He drops Cartman, kicks him in the chest and walks away with his new paintball group, The Spinal Tappers.

Over the day, the new team train with paintball guns owned by José. During their practice, José notices Wendy's remarkable accuracy and potential, and asks her if she would be willing to be the squad's sniper. He also assigns Token as the 'demolitions expert' and Stan as the 'support gunner'. While working with their strategies, Cartman watches from afar, trying to figure out a way how to prove that they are 'obviously inferior'. He decides to recruit his own paintball team to ambush the Spinal Tappers and prevent them from even entering the tournament.

While Cartman attempts to recruit his own team, José and the Spinal Tappers enter their first match against a group of 6th Graders. The Spinal Tappers show dominance by each individually doing their part - Wendy pulls off a perfect snipe, Token masterfully uses his paintball grenades to maximal effectiveness, Kyle eliminates two 6th graders advancing on both flanks, and José and Stan corner the 6th grade sniper. A barrel tag by Stan ensures the victory of the Spinal Tappers as they advance into the tournament. Meanwhile, Cartman has found his team: Clyde, Kenny, Butters, Jimmy, Timmy, Craig and several other school members, after Cartman bribed them. Cartman seemed to ignore the rule that 'only 5 people are allowed on one paintball team'. Carl names his team Kartman's Kolouring Klub, and acts completely oblivious to the abbreviation, KKK.

Montages show Cartman 'training' his team through menial tasks to serve him, whereas José leads the Spinal Tappers through both practices, skirmishes and games. The montage shows the Spinal Tappers advance through the tournament by beating teams of fifth graders and miscellaneous groups of kids their age. Finally, Jimbo Kern, the official paintball tournament manager, announces that the Spinal Tappers have defeated all their competition and thus earned the right to advance to Denver for the U-13 Championship. However, Cartman then crashes through a window (while his teammates walk through an open door) and screams that his team is ready to face the Spinal Tappers. Kyle, Stan, Token, Wendy and José all reply with a simultaneous "What the hell, Cartman!" However, as Jimbo claims he is bored and has nothing better to do (and he expects for the match to be a massacre) he allows the final paintball match to decide the South Park contender - the Spinal Tappers versus Kartman's Kolouring Klub. The Spinal Tappers ready their weapons as Cartman's team of fifteen kids enter the paintball arena. The match begins - Wendy stays at the back of the arena sniping while Token and José head up the left flank and Stan and Kyle stay on the right. Cartman leads the charge against the Spinal Tappers, but the Spinal Tappers hold their ground. José hits Jimmy in the crutches (to which he apologizes quickly), Butters in the forehead (to which he apologizes quickly) and Craig in the kneecaps (to which he shrugs indifferently). However, Cartman instead brings out a real-life Colt Anaconda and points it at Token and José. The duo put their weapons down and submit to Cartman, who effectively eliminates them both.

Wendy continues to snipe, but the constant rush of boys nearly eliminates her. She ducks into cover as Stan and Kyle defend to their might. Kyle finally takes a paintball to the chest, hands Stan his paintball gun and tells him to 'run to the North supply box'. As Kyle defends his small outpost against an assault by Kenny, Timmy and Clyde, he finally takes a second paintball to his mask-covered face. Kyle is thusly eliminated.

Stan, dual-wielding paintball guns, continues to shoot everybody he sees. He shows expert marksmanship as he eliminates Kenny, Clyde, Timmy, Tweek and many others - the only people left standing are Kip, Cartman, Stan and Wendy.

On the other end of the arena, Wendy holds out her own against both Kip and Cartman. Cartman grabs Kip and uses him as a human shield, advancing until Kip is undoubtedly eliminated but Wendy is out of paintballs. Cartman then points his revolver at Wendy's face and yells out to Stan that his girlfriend is about to be executed. When Wendy asks him why he brought a real revolver to the paintball fight, Cartman replies 'To kill the Jews, Wendy. To kill the Jews.'

Finally, Stan grabs a handful of paintballs and throws them as far as he possibly can. Cartman looks in the sky to see none of the paintballs hit him, so he laughs and turns around, ready to pull the trigger. However, Wendy caught a single paintball, loaded it in her sniper rifle, and shot Cartman in the testicles, eliminating him. Token, Kyle and José jump for joy as they realize they would be heading to Denver to compete nationally. However, Cartman, while writhing in pain on the ground, swears revenge on the 'dirty Mexican who got him shot in the balls'.


Transcript

(4th grade classroom, where Mr. Garrison approaches the class in their seats.)
Mr. Garrison: Okay, kids, I'd like you all to welcome our newest student, new to South Park. Please welcome José, everybody. (José enters the classroom)
Butters: (whispering) Uh oh, I don't like the looks of this.
Kenny: *muttering* (Huh? Why not?)
Butters: Remember last time a kid came here that... well, was Muslim? Cartman flipped out. And this fella's Mexican... something's going to happen.
Kenny: (muttering) You're probably right.
José: Uh... hey everybody. My name is Juan José Rodriguez... and...
Cartman: Hey... hey guys? How do you find the population of Mexico? Roll a peso down a hill and count 'em.
Craig: (laughing)
Cartman: Yeah, haha, and how do you find out who's the richest man in Mexico? Whoever has the peso.
José: Oh, haha, really freaking funny, asshole.
Cartman: Woah. I was just offering my perfectly respectable opinion on Mexican immigration.
José: Yeah, whatever.
Mr. Garrison: So, José, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?
José: Uh... sure. I like sports, writing, Xbox, paintball and a couple of other things.
Cartman: Guys, two Mexicans are in a car. Who's driving?
Craig: Who?
Cartman: The cop!
José: Madre de dios...
Mr. Garrison: Alright, everybody take your seats. Where were we?
Wendy: I think we were having a debate about Obama.
José: Debates? Aw, nice. Obama, for me, at least, is an awesome guy. I think he's doing a pretty good job.
Wendy: Yeah, he's a good choice, but he could've handled the economic situation simpler.
José: Yeah, but his commitment to stopping the war added with health care reform alone? Puts him at around the top for me.
Cartman: Uh... Mr. Garrison? Does anybody really give a crap?
(Recess playground, where few students are gathered around José and others are gathered around Cartman, who is telling racist jokes. Kyle and Stan are talking to José wheras Craig, Cartman, Clyde and Token are in another group. Token looks visibly annoyed at Cartman.)
Cartman: Pablo, Carlos and Antonio jump off a cliff to see who hits the ground first. Who wins? Society. Ahaha! Oh - I got another one. What did the bartender say to the Mexican? "Screw you, you filthy Mexican!" Ahaha! And the Mexican replied "At least I'm not a dirty Jew!"
Token: You know what? Screw you guys. Screw this.
Craig: What? Token, where are you going?
Token: I've had it with your friggin' racist jokes.
Clyde: Token? Are you just leavin' us? Our group?
Token: Why the hell not? I'm friggin' sick and tired of Cartman's racism, and you guys are just going along with it! I'm done with it!
Cartman: Go ahead, Token. Walk away. (Token begins to walk away.) But who are you going to hang out with now? Kyle, Stan and the new kid? Abandon your popularity, Token. Leave now. We won't stop you.
Token: I will. You guys can go screw yourselves. (Token approaches Kyle, Stan and José.)
José: So, there's not that much else I like to do other than Xbox, writing and paintball. Speaking of that, you guys wanna join my team?
Stan: You got a paintball team? Really?
José: Aw yeah, sure. Do you wanna join?
Stan: Dude, I don't know. Like, really, during English class, everyone thinks you were tryin' to hit on Wendy. I just -
José: What? No, dude
José: Aw yeah, sure. Do you wanna join?
(The Marsh dining room, evening. Stan is at the table doing homework. Randy pops in from the kitchen)
Randy: Hey Stan, I was on my computer at work and saw that you have a Facebook page now?
Stan: Yeah, Dad, I was kinda forced to.
Randy: Well sooo... are you gonna add me as a friend?
Stan: (looks over his shoulder) No- Dad, I I really don't wanna get more into it.
Randy: ...Oh okay. (walks away, but returns a few seconds later) So I'm, m not your friend then?
Stan: ...Dad, you are my friend.
Randy: ...But you just don't wanna, add me, as a friend?
Stan: Dad it's just a stupid click of a button, it takes two seconds!
Randy: Right, but you don't have... the two seconds orrr?
Stan: I just wanna do my homework!
Randy: Alright, fine. (walks away again. Stan puts his face in his left palm, then gets back to homework. Randy returns...) Just to be clear, you and I are not... friends?
Stan: Alright, Dad, I'll add you!
Randy: Oh cool! Okay. (walks away)
(The Drordy house, night. The parents are watching TV from their sofa. Kip runs in.)
Kip: Mom, Dad, my best friend Kyle? He went to the dentist yesterday, and got two fillings! And today he's wondering if Hurt Locker really deserved the Oscar!
Kip's Mom: That's great, Kip!
Kip: Yeah! (runs off)
Kip's Dad: They sure are getting to know each other.
Kip's Mom: I'ts amazing! You know Kip spent the morning at the boy's farm?
Kip's Dad: His friend lives on a farm?
(Kyle's room, night. He's at his computer working on his farm - in Farmville.)
Kyle: I think I'll add some more... pigs. (done) Oh, maybe I should put in another field of corn there. (moves his avater to his corn fields and adds one) There we go. Nice. (a click and a small whoosh are heard, and Kyle looks at his screen. "You have 29 friends") Twenty nine? No, I have thirty friends. (a click and a small whoosh are heard. "You have 28 friends." More of these sounds are heard as Kyle's friend count drops) Hey what the hell is-? Oh no! Oh shit! (Kyle does what he can, but keeps losing friends)
(South Park Elementary, day. Stan is at his locker switching books. Wendy walks up behind him)
Wendy: Am I a joke to you?
Stan: (stops moving, then turns around) What?
Wendy: I just wanna know, is that all I am? A big joke?
Stan: ...Um, no?
Wendy: You DO have a Facebook page, Stan!
Stan: Oh Goddamnit no! I just got that because Kyle-
Wendy: Yeah well I saw your page, Stan! Relationship status? Single?
Stan: Relationship stat- I didn't even pay any attention to that-
Wendy: You like being single, Stan? So that you could Facebook to find other girls?! According to your Facebook page, (crosses her arms) we aren't friends!
Stan: Alright, I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry.
Wendy: And you'd BETTER change your relationship status to "In a relationship"!
Stan: How?
Wendy: By editing your profile under "basic information"!
Stan: Okay, I'm sorry!
(Stan's room, night. He's at his computer editing his profile.)
Stan: "Edit profile. Basic... settings" Jesus Christ!
Randy: Stan? Why won't you be friends with Grandma?
Stan: ...Aw. Dad, I just really don't wanna pay attention to this thing!
Randy: Grandma is in the hospital! And you won't even be friends with her!
Stan: Alright, Dad, I'll add Grandma as a friend.
Randy: That's better. Oh, and I sent you a funny picture and you didn't respond to it. (walks away)
Stan: Dude, fuck Facebook! Seriously! (an update pops up) What the hell is this?! Podcast?
Cartman: (in a video podcast) Welcome to Cartman's Incredible Podcast! (Mad Friends podcoast. Cartman sits behind a Mad Friends desk. At the bottom of the screen are two tickers. The upper one shows changes in friend stocks, the lower one shows Facebook updates) Hello fellow Facebookers, I'm here to do one thing: get you more friends! (rings a bell and leaves his chair) Looking around Facebook today we see that since adding loser Kip Drordy as a friend, Kyle Broflovski's stock is plummeting! He had 55 friends just two days ago, he's down to just 11 this morning. Run to your Facebook account and delete Kyle from your friend list because he is poison and I don't see him making a comeback any time soon. (presses a big red button, which produces a shotgun blast) You're gonna want t o dump Kyle and if at all possible add Clyde Donovan. Why? (shows a birthday cake) Birthday! That's right, Clyde has a birthday coming up and his mom is taking everyone to Casa Bonita. (presses a button that produces the sound of a whistle) If you don't have Clyde as a friend, you're gonna want to add him, because Clyde's numbers are about to go way up! And now, Word On The Street. (cranks up a player that repeats "Word On The Street") The rumors are now becoming more than that; Jimmy and Bebe have agreed to share their friends. That's right. Looks like we're about to have a merger (presses a robot that says "MERGER") So if you're a friend of Jimmy's you're about to luck into about 90 chick friends, and as we all know, chick friends are worth almost triple what dude friends are. That's all the time I have for today. Remember, update that profile, and steer clear of Kyle.
(The Marsh living room, night. A knock is heard at the front door and Stan walks to the door and opens it. It's raining outside and Kyle is on the steps crying.)
Kyle: Can I come in?
Stan: Sure dude. (Kyle enters) Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: I... don't... have... any... friends...
Stan: What?
Kyle: I mean, I do, but, well, ever sicne I became friends with that Kip Drrordy kid a bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me. It wold be fine except for my farm is starting to shrink. I know that I should just dump Kip as a friend, but that's such a terrible thing to do and, I'm sorry I'm just so confused I... I really need a friend right now.
Stan: Okay dude, I'm I'm here for you.
Kyle: 'K, so then get on Facebook and fertilize my crops?
Stan: NO.
Kyle: Pleahehese! My farm hasn't expanded in three days!
Stan: Dude, I've already had to become friends with all of Wendy's frends and my grandma's friends! I do NOT want to start doing all the farming stuff too! I'm not getting sucked into that!
Kyle: (rushes up to Stan, falls on his knees, and grabs the lower part of Stan's jacket) You don't get sucked into it! You don't get sucked in at all! Plehehehehehehehese!
Stan: Ah fuck.
(Stan's room, moments later. Stan is at his computer while Kyle watches on his phone)
Stan: Okay it says I'm at your farm.
Kyle: 'Kay, so now just click on the little soil button... (Stan does so) and then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm... (Stan does so) Okay, now I can read the sign you put up...
Stan: 'Kay, it says you and I are now very good friends.
Kyle: Yeah. We're very good friends. We're very good friends, Stan!
(The Drordy house, day. The family is in the kitchen. Kip and his father are at the table eating while his mom is in the kitchen proper serving herself)
Kip's Dad: So Kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today?
Kip: Oh yeah Dad, we've been havin' the best time! I showed him all the pictures of me and that silly Halloween costume last year.
Kip's Mom: (joins the goys at the table) Oh, what'd he say about those?
Kip: He laughed out loud. And then he was rollin' on the floor laughin'!
Kip's Dad: Sounds like you boys had a ball!
Kip: Mom, Dad, I'm all done. Can I go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what I had for dinner?
Kip's Dad: Well it's a little late, but it is Friday.
Kip's Mom: I thnk the more time you spend with your little friend, the better.
Kip: Wow, thanks! (runs out of the kitchen)
Kip's Mom: Have fun and be safe! (Kip runs through the living room and upstairs, then enters his own room)
(Kip's room, night. Kip runs to his computer and gets onto Facebook. He begins to type)
Kip: Ate a pork chop for dinner. Had nice apple sauce too. (clicks on Share, and there's his status. He waits for a reply, from 7:20 to... 8:30. He gets a reply: Kyle likes the post) Hahaa haha! Yeah! (gets off his chair and dances around) Yeah, yeah, yeah!
(South Park, day. Stan exits a Komik Faktory store with some comic books and turns right, only to stop when he sees Wendy)
Wendy: "I think you look cute in your bunny costume."
Stan: What?
Wendy: "I think you look cute in your bunny costume. What is that supposed to mean?!"
Stan: ...I have no idea.
Wendy: That's what Susan92 wrote on your wall! You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?! Fuck you! (walks off in anger.)
Stan: (turns to see her walk off) Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old! (turns around and continues on his way. He walks by an en electronics store)
Man 1: (standing in the doorway with a cigarette in his left hand) Oh hey Stan, I'm your friend Brian through your uncle Jimbo? Hey I commented on your status but I haven't heard back from you. Could you give me a poke sometime soon?
Stan: Fine! (continues walking, but a car pulls up next to him.)
Man 2: Hey kid, how come you ignored my friend request?
Stan: (looks at him like he's crazy) I don't know you!
Man 2: Yeah, well I'm just a guy that gets ignored, I guess! (spits on Stan and drives off, Stan begins to shake in anger)
(Stan's computer, later. He's looking at his Facebook page, still steaming from his encounters outside Komik Faktory. "You have 845,000 friends")
Randy: Stan? Grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back.
Stan: ...Dad, I didn't even wanna do th-
Randy: Stan, poke your grandma!
Stan: (squeezes his eyes shut and stays still for a moment) No. NO! Screw this! You know what? "Edit Profile > Update Profile." There! "Delete Profile"! (reads the popup) "You have requested to delete your Facebook profile. If this is an error, hit Cancel" Proceed! (presses "Proceed," then reads the next popup.) "Delete yor profile, are you sure? Yes. No." Yes! "Are you totally sure?" Yes! (clicks on it and his screen goes black. A blinking amber cursor appears)
Computer Voice: (the following words appear onscreen) I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Stan Marsh.
Stan: You can't let me do that? What are you talking about? (his monitor has a built-in Web cam)
Computer Voice: I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid.
Stan: Delete Profile! "Are you totally sure? Yes or-" Yes! Goddamnit yes! Delete! Delete delete! (the web cam lights up and shoots a laset at Stan's forehead, knocking him back on his chair. It then sets up boxes of energy around his body) Hey dad? (the camera begins scanning him in bit by bit, pixel by pixel) Dad? (he disappeard from his chair and soon appears on a virtual floor after travelling down some tunnels) Oh dude, what the fuck? (Neon lights appear all over)
(Inside the game grid. Three guards approach him)
Guard 1: Alright get moving, Profile.
Stan: Profile? I'm not a profile.
Guard 1: Ignore. (shocks him with an electric prod.)
Stan: AAH. (The guards escort Stan away)
Profile 1: Tom Davis says hello to Linda Green's profile.
Profile 2: Linda Davis likes how Tom Davis has changed his status.
Stan: 'Scuse me, my name is-
Profile 3: Ignore.
Stan: Eh hey, could you tell me how I-
Profile 4: Ignore.
Stan: (realizes where he is) Aw Goddamnit I got sucked into Facebook!
(Mad Friends, which is being broadcast from Cartman's basement. Kyle has made it onto Cartman's podcast)
Kyle: I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up. I'm desperate. That's why I came to you.
Cartman: You're very smart, Kyle. But the truth is, as long as you have that Kip Drordy loser as a Facebook friend, people view your friendship as a liability. You gotta dump him.
Kyle: I can't do that, I'd just feel too bad.
Cartman: Well Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles and try to make friends with people who've never heard of Kip.
Kyle: I've been trying! But I just don't know how to make totally new friends on the Internet.
Cartman: It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle. Have you ever heard of chatroulette?
Kyle: No. What's chatroulette?
(Cartman's room, later. Cartman is at his computer while Kyle sits on a chair looking on)
Cartman: Yep, finding new friends is easier today than ever before. We just set ourselves up on web cam, and then the computer will randomely put us with one of the fifty thousand people online also doing chatroulette.
Kyle: Hey, uh that's, that's kinda cool.
Cartman: Uh huh. Alright, let's see who our first chat partner is. Connect.
Kyle: (a look of disgust comes over him) Aww, that's some dude jacking off! (turns away quickly)
Cartman: Oh yeah, you get those sometimes. We'll just click to the next person. There we go. Hello?
Kyle: That's just a guy's penis too!
Cartman: Okay let's, let's try this one.
Kyle: (turns away quickly) Dude, I don't wanna see a bunch of guys' penises!
Cartman: Hold on, Kyle! This is seriously an amazing gathering place where people from all over the world can share their thoughts and ideas. (goes onto the next person) Okay, that's a dude jacking off, but... 'Kay, dude jacking off... Penis... Penis... Penis penis penis. Ah! Here's a guy! Hey dude, how's it going?
Dude: (waves) Hey.
Cartman: This is my friend Kyle. He's looking for some new friends.
Dude: Oh yeah? (leaves his chair and goes to the other end of his room, turns around, unzips his pants)
Cartman: Ohh, he's taking out his penis. Okay, next guy...
Kyle: Dude, screw this! I don't wanna see anymore!
Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works! If you wanna find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first!
(The game grid. Stan walks around)
Stan: Excuse me. Could you tell me what the hell's going on?
Tom Davis: No, you aren't my friend. Would you like to be my friend?
Stan: No, I seriously don't want any more friends.
Tom Davis: Ignore. (turns to talk to another profile) So anyway, I really like taking long walks in the summer, you know, because there's like
Stan: Okay I'll be your friend.
Tom Davis: (turns back to Stan) Confirm. (both of them feel a surge of energy in their game suits, shown by the suits lighting up, then it disappears) Oooo, Tom Davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend. Here are some pictures of my dog. And here he is in some silly outfits. Can you comment on these?
Stan: Awww!
Guard: (comes up behind Stan) Move it, profile!
Tom Davis: Oh oh.
Stan: Why oh oh?
Profile 5: They're taking him to the gaming arena.
Tom Davis: Looks like I'm gonna be down a friend. (the guards escort Stan to the arena, shocking him once in a while. Another profile appears next to him)
Referee: You are about to face each other in combat! You will play the game for the amusement of the users! (the arena is activated and Stan and the other profile are sent in) Let the game commence! (they face each other and virtual bikes pop up under them, lifting them off the floor. The bikes are replaced with a table and two stools and a guard brings a game of Yahtzee to the table.)
Stan: Yahtzee?
Referee: One round only! Begin! (the opposing profile rolls first, leaves a pair of 3s and scoops up three dice, rolls again)
Profile 6: Uhhh, I'm gonna count five in my five box.
Stan: Can't we play on speeder bikes or something?
Guard: (shocks him) Play, profile!
Stan: (rolls and gets five 4s) Yahtzee. (the other profile gasps and vanishes in a fair bit of pain)
(Cartman's room, later. Cartman is still clicking through chatroulette chatters.)
Cartman: Dude jacking off... Dude jacking off... (coughs to clear his throat) That's a dude jacking off...
Kyle: That's it Cartman, I'm outta here! (walks to the bedroom door) Chatroulette is no way for me to find new friends! (about to open the door)
Cartman: Waitwait wait wait, wait Kyle! (Kyle turns and goes back to Cartman's desk.) Here's a nice little Jewish kid. Hey, hi there.
Boy: Hello.
Cartman: Yeah hey, nice to meet you. My friend Kyle is a Jew too.
Boy: Oh that's cool. I was startin' to think this was nothin' but dudes jackin' off.
Kyle: Hey, so... do you wanna be Facebook friends?
Boy: Uhh, sure. If you'll come and visit my farm.
Kyle: Heck yeah I'll visit your farm! You should check mine out too!
(The Drordy house, day, kitchen. Mr. Drordy reads The World News, Mrs. Drordy is drying dishes)
Kip's Dad: Honey, where's Kip? I haven't seen him all day.
Kip's Mom: No, he's been out spending the whole day with his best friend Kyle. I think they're at the moview now.
(The Bijou. Kip is in the audience enjoying the hell out of himself. He's watching a 3D movie with everyone else, as they're all wearing 3D glasses. He spills some popcorn onto an open laptop he brought with him. Kyle's Facebook page appears on the leptop screen. Kip takes out a camera and snaps a shot of himself and his laptop)
(The gaming arena. The referee is angry...)
Referee: Troublemaker! You were not supposed to survive the game of Yahtzee! You have made things complicated!
Stan: I've made them complicated?! I don't even wanna be here!
Referee: That's not what your profile said.
Stan: My profile? Goddamnit my Facebook profile has taken on a life of its own! Where is it?!
Referee: Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of Facebook. You cannot stop it now.
Stan: Oh yeah? I can try! (turns around and walks through a wall)
Referee: After him!
(Kyle's Facebook page. Kyle is working on his farm again)
Kyle: Okay, I fed the pigs. Now I definitely should water some fields... Oh wow, cool. That Jewish kid put up a sign on my farm. "Hey Kyle, really like your farm." Oh awesome! (a new sound is heard) What the hell is that? Stan? (Stan appears on Kyle's farm and walks to the middle of the screen)
Stan: You're an asshole, Kyle!
Kyle: (perplexed) ...What?
Stan: What's the one thing I told you?! That I didn't wanna get sucked into Facebook! This is all your fault!
Kyle: (looks around making sure the coast is clear) Dude, w-what are you doing?
Stan: What's it look like I'm doing?! I found your farm in Facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit! You've gotta go check out my profile status!
Kyle: Profile status?
Stan: Just bring up my Facebook page and see what it says my status is!
Kyle: Well, Stan I have to harvest my crops before it's too late.
Stan: Dude! Fuck your crops! (walks up to Kyle's corn and starts ripping the stalks up)
Kyle: Dude! Dude okay! Stop! I'm sorry! (pulls up Stan's status) Says that you are currently... hosting an online chat party for all your friends.
Stan: Where?
Kyle: Café World.
Stan: Son of a bitch! (runs back to the barn he came out of)
Kyle: An online chat party for all his friends... Dude, I should get over there!
(Café World. Stan approaches the entrance, which has a sign next to it: "Friends of Stan Marsh Online Chat Party". He enters and is overwhelmed by the number of people in the café)
Stan: Jesus Christ.
Randy's profile: Randy Marsh is at work right now. Work is boring.
Butters' profile: Butters Stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party.
Garrison's profile: Herbert Garrison likes Butters' comment.
Grandma Marsh's profile: Grandma Marsh would like to be friends with Kevin Donahue.
Kevin Donahue's profile: Kevin Donahue accept's Grandma Marsh's friendship.
Stan: Has anybody seen my stupid profile?!
Susan92's profile: Susan92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume.
Gary Johnson's profile: Gary Johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic!
Kyle: Wow, there's a lot of profiles here. Kyle Broflovski's amazed Stan has so many Facebook friends. Hey, Kyle Broflovski's amazed Isiah is also a Facebook friend of Stan's.
Isiah: Isiah's order is on leaving Kyle Broflovski as a friend.
Kyle: What? Why?
Isiah: User saw you were friends with Kip Grordy, who only has one friend. Kyle Broflovski is bad friend stock.
Kyle: Oh n-no, I'm not really friends with him.
Isiah: Ignore.
Kyle: Unh, that does it!
Stan: Alright alright, enough! Everybody just shut up! (everyone shuts up and looks at him) Where is profile Stan Marsh! (the room begins to rumble)
Profile Stan Marsh: (rising from the ground) Right here.
Stan: Oh...
(Kyle's room, night. Kyle is at his desk thinking about how to break the news to Kip)
Kyle: I'm sorry, Kip, but I really can't be your friend anymore. It was a great ride, but I must say goodbye. This is the hardest thingk I've ever had to do, but ending a friendship... is never easy. (moves the cursor to the Send button and clicks it. Wioth the message sent, Kyle moves the cursor to the left side of the screen and selects "Remove from Friends," and clicks that. A popup window shows up: "Kip Drordy - Remove from Friends?" He clicks on "Remove from Friends" and Facebook tells him his friend is removed.)
(Kip's room, night. He's at his computer typing along happily when he sees Kyle's message. He's disheartened. Kyle disappears from his friend list and he's back down to 0 friends. Kip leaves his stool and walks over to a wall on which he has a large picture of Kyle. He takes the picture down and returns to his stool, and sighs.)
(The gaming arena. Stan and his profile face off.)
Stan: What do you want from me, dude?!
Profile Stan Marsh: I'm your profile, and as you can see, I am much more powerful than you.
Stan: Damnit I should have deleted you a long time ago!
Profile Stan Marsh: Why do you thnk I brought you in here? The fact of the matter is I'm up and running now with almost a million friends. I don't need you anymore. I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world.
Stan: Who cares? Friends shouldn't be some kind of... commodity for a person's status!
Profile Stan Marsh: Who is more powerful? The user or the profile? Let's end this once and for all. (the Yahtzee platform appears under them)
Referee: Let the final battle begin! (the crowd drops down, or the platform rises. Hard to tell. The table and two stools appear and a guard brings the Yahtzee board game over)
Stan: Fuckin' Yahtzee again? Seriously? (his giant profile takes a seat and rolls the dice)
Profile Stan Marsh: What did I tell you?! That's a large flush already! You don't have a chance in here, user! You pathetic little-
Stan: Yahtzee.
Profile Stan Marsh: What?!
Stan: Yahtzee. Sixes.
Profile Stan Marsh: No. Can't be.
Randy: Yahtzee!
Profile Stan Marsh: No! Ahhhhh. (vanishes in a fair bit of pain. After some silence, Stan disappears from the arena and is reassembled back on his chair at home)
(Stan's room, moments later.)
Stan: Awgh! (catches his breath. With his profile destroyed, Stan sees that he has 0 friends.) Oh thank God.
Randy: Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore?
Stan: My Facebook profile went rogue, Dad. I had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. I sent all my friends somewhere else.
Randy: Oh okay. So we're, we're not friends, then?
Stan: Fuck off, Dad. (turns off the monitor and leaves his desk.)
(Kip's room, night. Kip is waiting by his computer for a friend, any friend, to appear and become his friend friend. A sound is heard and all of a sudden Kip has a lot of friends - 845,323 of them - and he's shocked. Then he gets excited all over again. He dances and jumps on his stool.)
(End of You Have 0 Friends.)
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