And now, Quotes
Here's a bunch of quotes I think are funny and/or true. Enjoy.
<choose>
<option>
| “ |
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. |
” |
—
Casey Stengel |
| “ |
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. |
” |
—
Winston Churchill |
| “ |
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. |
” |
—
Oscar Levant |
| “ |
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. |
” |
—
David Brent |
| “ |
This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Oh good, I've got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases! |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. |
” |
—Jack Handey |
| “ |
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself |
” |
—Mark Twain |
| “ |
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. |
” |
—
Albert Einstein |
| “ |
The minute that you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. |
” |
—
Will Rogers |
| “ |
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. |
” |
—
Mark Twain |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. |
” |
—
Oscar Wilde |
| “ |
You're everywhere. You're omnivorous. |
” |
—
Homer Simpson [To God]. |
| “ |
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was. |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson |
| “ |
The Americans will always do the right thing . . . After they've exhausted all the alternatives. |
” |
—
Winston Churchill |
| “ |
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. |
” |
—
William Shakespeare |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. |
” |
—
Alfred Hitchcock |
| “ |
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. |
” |
—
Jimmy Durante |
| “ |
As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu. |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson [On the Corvette Z06] |
| “ |
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. |
” |
—
Jerome K. Jerome |
| “ |
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. |
” |
—
Groucho Marx |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around! |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson [On paddle shift automatic gearboxes] |
| “ |
I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury. |
” |
—
George Burns |
| “ |
I never drink water, fish fuck in it. |
” |
—
W.C. Fields |
| “ |
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. |
” |
—
Samuel Goldwyn |
| “ |
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. |
” |
—
Will Rogers |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. |
” |
—
Mark Twain |
| “ |
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. |
” |
—
Will Rogers |
| “ |
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. |
” |
—
Brendan Behan |
| “ |
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. |
” |
—
Bill Cosby |
| “ |
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. |
” |
—
Oliver Goldsmith |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. |
” |
—
Oscar Wilde |
| “ |
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. |
” |
—
Benjamin Franklin |
| “ |
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. |
” |
—
Groucho Marx |
| “ |
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. |
” |
—
Will Rogers |
| “ |
I just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27. |
” |
—
Clement Atlee |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
A turbo: Exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster. |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson |
| “ |
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. |
” |
—
Winston Churchill |
| “ |
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. |
” |
—
Spike Milligan |
| “ |
Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off. |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson |
| “ |
In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. |
” |
—
George Best |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. |
” |
—
Natalie Wood |
| “ |
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes. |
” |
—Ronald Reagan [during radio microphone test] |
| “ |
I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God. |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson |
| “ |
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. |
” |
—Alex Levine |
| “ |
In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun live with every day. |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson (about the Chevrolet Corvette Z06) |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. |
” |
—
Author Unknown |
| “ |
The superfluous, a very necessary thing. |
” |
—
Voltaire |
| “ |
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. |
” |
—
Winston Churchill |
| “ |
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. |
” |
—
Robert Orben |
| “ |
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. |
” |
—
Mae West |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female. |
” |
—
Desmond Morris |
| “ |
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. |
” |
—
Groucho Marx |
| “ |
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will. |
” |
—
Homer Simpson |
| “ |
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. |
” |
—
Oscar Wilde |
| “ |
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. |
” |
—
Emo Philips |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly. |
” |
—
Oscar Wilde |
| “ |
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. |
” |
—
Mark Twain |
| “ |
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. |
” |
—
Oprah Winfrey |
| “ |
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. |
” |
—
W.C. Fields |
| “ |
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. |
” |
—
Mark Twain |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. |
” |
—
Saint Augustine |
| “ |
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. |
” |
—
Steven Wright |
| “ |
At this point the Germans are propably rolling around on the floor laughing, So: "Ze tommies have made ein car out of spit und kleenex, zhey will be crushed". |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson (Testing the MG SV prototype) |
| “ |
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. |
” |
—
Arnold Schwarzenegger |
| “ |
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. |
” |
—
Frank Sinatra |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. |
” |
—
Lily Tomlin |
| “ |
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. |
” |
—
Laurence J. Peter |
| “ |
If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car. |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson (On the BMW X3) |
| “ |
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning. |
” |
—
George W Bush |
| “ |
I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. |
” |
—
Oscar Wilde |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't. |
” |
—
Arthur Gore |
| “ |
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. |
” |
—
Groucho Marx |
| “ |
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. |
” |
—
Bill Vaughan |
| “ |
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. |
” |
—
George Burns |
| “ |
The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination. |
” |
—
Voltaire |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Stop thinking, and end your problems. |
” |
—
Lao Tzu |
| “ |
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. |
” |
—
Albert Einstein |
| “ |
The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. |
” |
—
Anton Chekhov |
| “ |
Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... being stabbed? |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson |
| “ |
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men. |
” |
—
George Burns |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. |
” |
—
Groucho Marx |
| “ |
Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn't you? |
” |
—Jeremy Clarkson (On the Alfa Romeo Brera) |
| “ |
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. |
” |
—
Henny Youngman |
| “ |
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. |
” |
—
Woody Allen |
| “ |
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. |
” |
—
Winston Churchill |
</option>
<option>
| “ |
Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. |
” |
—
Darrin Weinberg |
| “ |
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. |
” |
—
Winston Churchill |
| “ |
Woe unto you also, lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne. |
” |
—
Jesus |
| “ |
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. |
” |
—
Laurence J. Peter |
</option>
</choice>
|
