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The official script for "Tweek vs. Craig" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Tweek vs. Craig
South Park Elementary. The school bell rings. Most of the third-grade boys are in a shop room.
Mr. Adler
This is shop class. My name is Mr. Adler. For the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork, you'll be learning how to make things. Now, does anybody know WHY you're in shop class? [Stan raises his hand] Yes?
Stan
Because we had to choose between this and home ec, and we didn't wanna be sissies?
Mr. Adler
Wrong! You are here because you are America's future! [stirring music plays] You may someday be doctors, or lawyers, or scientists. Most of you, however, will be pumping gas, or cutting sheet metal, and that's why we have... [points to the words] shop class.
Cartman
Ooooohh.
Mr. Adler
Now, let me make one thing crystal clear: I don't like kids that screw around! You screw around in shop class, you can lose a hand or an eye. I have a- [picks up a picture of a woman and begins to get lost looking at it] I have... uh, I have a...
Kyle
Mr. Adler?
Mr. Adler
[sets the picture down] Huh? Oh, uh, I was just saying that I want to know who is the biggest troublemaker in your class?
Stan
[quickly points] Tweek is!
Tweek
Arrh! No, I'm not!
Kyle
Yeah, you are! You always get in trouble.
Tweek
Arrrrh!
Cartman
Oh, hello, excuse me, but Craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class.
Mr. Adler
That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?
Craig
No.
Mr. Adler
Well, you'd better not be, because in shop class we- [Craig flips him off] Hey! Did you just flip me off?!
Craig
No.
Mr. Adler
Yes, you did!
Cartman
Told ya!
Kyle
[hushed, to Stan] Dude, shop class sucks. Maybe we should have taken home ec.
Stan
Now way, dude. Home ec is for girls.
The Home Economics room. All the girls are here.
Voice
[female] Welcome to home ec. [the camera scans across the class] For the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew, clean, and make things that are lacy and pretty. [Kenny appears]
Kenny
(Woohooo!) [Wendy raises her hand]
Wendy
I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.
Woman
That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. [now cautioning] But all of you pretty ones... won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have... home ec.
Kenny
(Woohooo!) [the girls on either side of him look at him]
The Shop room. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit before a power miter box. Cartman is feeding it wood.
Cartman
I wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take shop class? [cuts out two slabs]
Stan
I don't know. He's such a wuss.
Mr. Adler
[passing by] Hey! Don't screw around! You screw around too much!
Cartman
You know, you guys are totally wrong about Tweek. Craig is way worse than he is. [Craig leafs through some wood scraps, and Tweek approaches a belt sander on the floor]
Stan
No he's not dude. Craig is a wuss.
Cartman
Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight, Craig would kick Tweek's ass.
Kyle
Do you wanna bet?
Cartman
Yeah, I'll bet.
Stan
How much?
Cartman
Five bucks.
Stan
You're on!
Tweek
[revs up a belt sander.] Arrh! [jumps. Stan and Kyle walk to him]
Stan
Hey Tweek.
Tweek
[jumps] Gaarhrhrh!
Stan
Dude. Craig chooses you. He wants to fight.
Tweek
[drops the sander] He does?
Stan
Yeah. He's all pissed off at you. So, will you fight?
Tweek
Why?
Kyle
Dude, because! You have to stand up for yourself! So will you fight him? [Craig is still leafing through the scraps]
Tweek
[jumps] Rrrrh! He doesn't look like he wants to fight me.
Cartman
Craig, could I talk to you real quick? [Craig flips him off, and Cartman puts his palms up to calm him] Er, just a second, please, Craig. Craig, I'm not normally one to get involved in this kind of thing but, well, I was just standing over by Tweek, and, he called you a big poop-eater.
Craig
He did?
Cartman
Yeah. He said you eat poop, and that it makes your breath smell like poop, and that, eh, well, you like it.
Craig
Why would he say that?
Cartman
I don't know, Craig, I don't know. But now he's over there telling everybody that you're a poop-eater and he chooses you.
Craig
[now pissed] Well, I've gotta go over there and-
Cartman
[blocks his way] No, no! Craig, you can't fight him here; Mr. Adler would just break it up. Tell you what: I'll go tell him you accept his challenge, and set it up for after school today.
Craig
Okay. [flips Tweek off]
Kyle
There. Did you see? He just flipped you off.
Tweek
[twitches to one side] Rrrr! What a jerk!
Stan
He's really got it out for you, dude.
Tweek
Why?! What did I do?!
Kyle
So, do you agree to fight him after school?
Tweek
I guess so.
Stan
Super. See you there. [they walk away, pleased]
Mr. Adler takes out the picture of his fiancée again and looks at it. He begins to daydream. Memories of his fiancée come to him, and her voice echoes every time reminisces.
Fiancée
[runs from him] Catch me, Richard. [she laughs even after he catches her and she's on the grass] I'm so in love with you, Richard. [next scene: she's in the kitchen holding a tray] I made you some cookies, Richard. [sniffs them real good. Next, she's by the fireplace with a little stocking] Merry Christmas, Richard. [laughing on the yard outside] Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever. [in flight, trying to regain control] Aaaaaaa! [in a swimming pool, under water] Richard!
The school bell rings, and Mr. Adler snaps out of the daydream.
Mr. Adler
Aaaarr! Uh. [opens a drawer to get some nicotine gum, and chews some] Oh why? Why? [closes his eyes and continues chewing]
Stan
Mr. Adler! Mr. Ad-ler!
Mr. Adler
[opens his eyes] Huh? Stop screwing around!
Stan
The bell rang. Can we go?
Mr. Adler
Well, uh, well, sure. Uh, class dismissed.
Stan
Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Cartman follow him out.]
The school yard.
Stan
This is gonna be so sweet, dude.
Cartman
You guys are so wrong about Tweek. He's gonna get his ass kicked.
Kyle
We'll see!
Cartman
Why don't we just raise our bet to ten dollars?!
Stan
You're on, fatass! [Kenny shows up]
Cartman
Well, well, well, look who's here! Our little home economics friend, Kenny!
Kenny
(Hey guys, what's going on with you?)
Stan
How come you wanna take home ec., Kenny?
Kyle
Yeah. That's not cool, dude. [the girls walk by]
Bebe
Bye, Kenny. See you tomorrow.
Annie
Bye, Kenny.
Kenny
(Bye, ladies.) [the other boys arrive as the girls leave]
Clyde
Hey, what's going on?
Kyle
Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.
Clyde
Really? Cool. [the boys stand around waiting] It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both went home about fifteen minutes ago.
Kyle
What?
Token
Yeah, they left.
Stan
Aw, hell!
Cartman
Those sons of bitches!
Clyde
I guess they don't wanna fight.
Kyle
Aw, they wanna fight! They just don't know it yet! [walks off with Stan, Cartman, and Kenny]
Stan and Kyle arrive at Tweek's house. Stan rings the bell.
Stan
Tweek?
Kyle
[looks up to the second floor] Tweek?
Tweek
[opens the center window] Arrh! What do you guys want?
Stan
How come you didn't show up for the fight, Tweek?!
Tweek
Craig and I have no reason to fight each other.
Kyle
Well, Craig showed up.
Tweek
He did?
Stan
Yeah. He was standing there waiting for you, and he was all like, "Man, Tweek's a wuss," and we were all like, "No he's not, Craig," and he was all like, "Yeah he is, he isn't showing up. He's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth!"
Tweek
I don't have crooked teeth!
Kyle
And then Craig was all like, "Tweek is scared o'me. He's a big chicken." And he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken; [Stan watches as Kyle demonstrates] well, everybody in the world saw it!
Tweek
Everyone in the world?! Rrrr! [falls down behind the window]
Stan
Yeah, it was weak.
Tweek
I'm not a chicken!
Kyle
Well, everyone in the world thinks you are. See ya. [turns to walk away]
Tweek
[pops up] Wait! I'll fight!
Stan
Tomorrow?
Tweek
Okay.
Cartman and Kenny arrive at Craig's house. Cartman knocks and Craig answers.
Cartman
Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!
Craig
Red Racer's on.
Cartman
Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week!
Craig
I do watch Red Racer every day of the week!
Cartman
[aloof] Well, that's fine. I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.
Craig
Nope. [shuts the door]
Cartman
[hushed] Egh. God damn it! [knocks again, and Craig answers] Well, I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your guinea pig.
Craig
What?! What did he say about Stripe?!
Cartman
Oh, nothing, except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed.
Craig
That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!
Cartman
Yeah, I'd be pissed too, so maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?
Craig
After Red Racer.
Cartman
[being gracious] After Red Racer, of course.
The Tweek house, that night, dinner. The Tweaks are at table.
Richard Tweak
How was school today, son?
Tweek
Errh!
Richard Tweak
That's great.
Tweek
Dahad, if some kid in school wants to fight me, what should I do??
Richard Tweak
Son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and I first met. [gets up and stands next to her. Peaceful music plays] You see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were after your mother. She used to be very attractive.
Mrs. Tweak
It's true. I was. [Tweek bobs as he listens]
Richard Tweak
Well, when I started courting your mother, there was this big muscular football player named Quib, who didn't take too kindly to me. He wanted your mother all to himself. And so, one day, he challenged me to a fight. [sits down, and both parent resume eating. Tweek waits for the rest of the story.]
Tweek
[after a long lull] Well?
Mrs. Tweak
Well what, honey?
Tweek
Nrr. What happened?
Richard
Oh'd. I, I don't know. He moved away or something.
Mrs. Tweak
Yes, I think that's right.
Tweek
Rrrrr! You guys never help me! [the parents look at each other, and Tweek starts banging his head against the table] Your stories never go anywhere! I hate it! I want out! I want out! [the parents resume eating]
Craig's house, dinner time. Craig has a little sister.
Craig
Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow.
Thomas Tucker
With who?
Craig
Some kid.
Thomas
Oh.
Laura Tucker
Don't just "Oh" him, Thomas!
Craig
Yeah, don't just "Oh" me!
Thomas
I'll "Oh" whoever I want! [Mrs. Tucker flips Thomas off, he flips back, the daughter flips them both off, and Craig flips his dad off with the right hand, his sister off with the left, and his mom with the right, up close.]
Mr. Adler's home. He and a woman have just returned from a date.
Mr. Adler
Well, that was fun, Pearl. See you later.
Pearl
Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
Mr. Adler
Why?
Pearl
Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.
Mr. Adler
Oh, well, uuh, I can't. I left the oven on.
Pearl
Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?
Mr. Adler
I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts. [he begins closing the door]
Pearl
We'll use plastic wrap.
Mr. Adler
Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts the door on her face. He holds the door in place, then makes his way to a picture of his deceased love, picks it up, and remembers...]
Fiancée
[on a swing] Swing me Richard, swing me higher. I wanna touch the sky, Richard. [now in a gazebo] Richard, I'm here! [waves him over] Smile. [now opens a little box and sees a ring] Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! It's what I do! [in flight, trying to regain control] Aaaaaaa! [in a swimming pool, under water] Richard! [now rising from an open coffin] Richard.
Mr. Adler
[returns] Haaarrr! [opens a small drawer in the side table, gets some nicotine gum, and starts chewing, then mumbles] Aw, God, what am I gonna do? [resumes chewing]
South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day, recess. From left to right on a table are seated Stan, Tweek, Kyle, Cartman, Craig, and Kenny. Much of the class is assembled before them. A large sign saying "Tweek VS. Craig" hangs above them from the ceiling.
Stan
Okay, so, just to set the record straight here, the fight will be happening out by the tetherball pole at 3:30. Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45.
Clyde
Uh, how long do you expect the fight to last?
Craig
I uh...
Cartman
[covers Craig's mouth] However long Craig wants it to last. [the kids laugh] T'heh, ub. Look, make no mistake. Craig has been ready for this fight since day one. He doesn't even view it as a challenge.
Kyle
He'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked!
Cartman
Hup. Did you hear that? It sound like some diarrhea coming out of someone's mouth or something.
Kyle
Shut up, fatass!!
Cartman
Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch! [jumps on him, and they start fighting. Kenny and Stan soon join in, leaving Tweek and Craig looking at them]
Clyde
Wow. Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh? This should be a good fight.
Home Economics, after recess.
Pearl
[stands by a chart equating shoes with money] On your first date, look at the man's shoes. Sometimes you can tell how much money a man has just by his shoes. [Kenny and the girls take notes. Pearl then stands by the chalkboard listing the number of credit cards from 1 to 4] When he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet while he pays for you. If he only has one credit card, BEWARE. [crosses 1 out] It means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit card. If he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy. [crosses 4 out] The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is... two. [circles it. Bebe raises her hand]
Bebe
What if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer, but is still getting his degree?
Pearl
Dump that zero and get yourself a hero! He could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to death with two dying babies sucking at your teats. [the girls and Kenny just look at her]
Shop class. The boys are busy on various projects. Cartman stands on a stool operating a drill press as Stan and Kyle stand on the floor.
Cartman
When I have your guys' ten bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the whole world.
Kyle
That's more than ten bucks, you stupid fatass!
Cartman
Well, if I get ten buck from each of you, that's like $2000.
Mr. Adler
Hey, quit screwing around back there! You're horsing! [He now hears a voice calling to him, from the drawers in his desk...]
Fiancée
Ri-chard! [he whistles] Ri-chard! [he remembers mumbling something in return, and pulls out her picture. He dreams: she is back on the swing] Swing me Richard, swing me higher![now in a gazebo] Richard, I'm here! [waves him over. Cut to her opening a little box] Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! [in the cockpit, she calls out] It's all for you! [an alarm sounds, and the gas tank explodes behind her] Aaaaaaa! [she tries to land the plane right, but it falls into a swimming pool. She's thrown clear, into the water] Richard!
Clyde
Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler!
Mr. Adler
[returns] Huh? Uh, what?
Clyde
Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander [Tommy comes and stands beside Clyde. There are no features on his face.]
Mr. Adler
The belt sander? Tommy?? I told you not to screw around with the belt sander, didn't I? [Clyde looks at Tommy for a reaction, but...] Well go on. Go see the nurse; she'll give you some peroxide. [Tommy walks away in the wrong direction]
Clyde
[noticing the picture and points] What's that?
Mr. Adler
Huh? Oh, this is a woman I knew a long time ago.
Clyde
What? She die or something?
Mr. Adler
What? Hey! Go on! [upset, he puts the picture away] You're screwing around in here! [Clyde hurries away]
After school. The kids climb over a hill to reach the tetherball pole. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek lead the way
Clyde
Oh boy! Here we go!
Wendy
[joins the group] What's happening?
Kyle
Tweek's gonna fight Craig!
Wendy
Oh cool!
Stan
Stay pissed, Tweek. Stay pissed. [the two groups meet] All right. Here we go.
Kyle
Time for you to get proven wrong, fat boy.
Cartman
You're gonna be eating those words, asshole.
Kyle
No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first, tubby. [Craig and Tweek look at each other, but nothing happens]
Stan
Well?
Cartman
Come on!
Wendy
Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!
Craig
[turns to the crowd] What do we do?
Stan
Huh?
Cartman
What do you mean, what do you do? You just fight each other.
Tweek
How?
Kyle
How??
Craig
I've never been in a fight before.
Tweek
Me neither.
Crowd
[let down] Awwww.
Stan
[in disgust] Aw, dude, come on!!
Cartman
You just hit each other, smack each other around. [Tweek slaps Craig, and Craig slaps Tweek. No effect]
Kyle
[sighs] Not like that!
Tweek
Like what, then?
Stan
[approaches the fighters] All right, all right, screw it! We have to postpone the fight 'til Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight.
Crowd
Awww. [disperses]
Clyde
[to Wendy] All that build-up for nothing.
Wendy
Yeah. Christ, I could have been home by now!
Stan
All right. Tweek, we'll teach you how to fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig.
Cartman
I don't think that's very fair: if I teach Craig, he's gonna really kill Tweek.
Stan
Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my uncle Jimbo teach Tweek how to box!
Cartman
[faking fear] Ooooo! Boxing's scary, you guys! [serious] I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts!
Stan
Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!
Cartman
Fine! [the parties part ways]
Kyle
Fine!
Cartman
Fine, that's fine!
Big's Gym, later. This is where Stan and Kyle took Jesus to learn to box. On this occasion, Stan and Kyle bring Tweek. Jimbo is the coach, Ned the sparring partner. All are in the ring
Jimbo
Alrighty. Tweek, my little nephew Stanley has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing.
Tweek
Rrrrh!
Jimbo
You're in luck! Ned here used to be the state champion until a grenade blew his arm off.
Ned
Mmrr I can still kick ass.
Jimbo
Now, Tweek, boxing is a Man sport. There is nothing in the world more Man than boxing. It is Man at his most Man. So when you spar with Ned here, just dig deep into that most Man part of you.
Tweek
Hwaaah! [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]
Jimbo
Well, enough of the lectures. let's get to boxing. [rings the bell, and Ned sends Tweek to the ropes with one punch]
Tweek
Uugh!
Ned
Mmm whatcha got, bee-ahtch? [Tweek gets up]
Jimbo
Keep your guard up, Tweek! [Tweek does so. Ned punches him twice more, and Tweek falls]
Tweek
Ow!
Stan
Damn it!
Kyle
Come on, Tweek! He's only got one arm!
Jimbo
All right, looks like we'll have to apply the Oppenheimer technique with Tweek here. [Tweek gets up]
Ned
[prancing] Gmmmmm, whatcha got, bee-ahtch?
Jimbo
Punch him in the balls, Tweek!! [Tweek lunges at Ned and lands the punch]
Ned
AAAAaaaarrgh.
Jimbo
Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while he's down! [Tweek lands a barrage of punches, and Ned groans after each punch]
Ned
Ow.
Jimbo
Good! Now kick his balls! [Tweek does so several times, and Ned groans] There, see? You've got him coughing up blood.
Stan, Kyle
Hooray!
Tweek
Rrrr!
Jimbo
Now THAT'S BOXING!
The Nishimura School of Martial Arts
Master
Your friend hasa brought you to learn the ancient art ofa sumo. You must learna discipline anda respect. [Craig flips him off] In sumo, your body must be rike a stone, and your mind rike a meatroaf.
Craig
Meatloaf?
Master
The object is simpry to push opponent out of circle. Is opponent ready?
Cartman
I'm ready! [comes out, speaks softly] Hey, I like this hair thing. This is cool. [stops to pull some salt out of a kettle and pats his hands together]
Master
Let us begin. [Cartman plants his feet] Ready? And, th-ree.
Cartman
Respect my authoritah! [he and Craig engage in pushing each other]
Master
Body rike a stone! Mind rike a meatroaf!
Cartman
[turns around to back Craig out of the ring] Dude. Come on, now. Come on.
Craig
Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!
Master
Fight back! Resist the ass!
Craig
How can I resist an ass so great?
Master
It is only an ass. You must overcome the ass with your mind.
Craig
This ass is unlike any I've encountered, Master. [Cartman bumps him off the ring, he hits a wall, and he's out]
Cartman
I win!
Master
There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric. Perhaps you should consider sumo as your profession.
Cartman
Hey, maybe. [plants his feet again]
Mr. Adler's house, night. He's asleep, and a bad dream begins
Mr. Adler
[twisting and turning] No. No. Make it stop.
Fiancée
[laughing on the yard outside] Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'm a pilot! [in the cockpit during flight] Watch me, Richard! [waves to him as she writes "I love U Richard." As she gets to the last letters, she loses control and the alarm comes on. Her gas tank explodes and she screams. She manages to write A's on her way down to a crash in the pool. She sinks and calls out] Richard!
Mr. Adler
Baaaaa! [looks around and then sobs] I never got to say good-bye. I never got to say good-bye! [reaches for some nicotine gum, only to find the box empty] Oh no! Oh NO! NOW what do I do?! [begins bawling]
South Park Elementary, next day. Home Ec.
Pearl
Okay, that was very good, class. Now let's try this one together. [holds up a board saying] Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
Class
[including Kenny] Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
Pearl
All right, now let's try this one together. [holds up a board saying] Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car....
Class
[including Kenny] Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car....
Pearl
Good. Bebe, why don't you try this one. [holds up a board saying] I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life.
Bebe
I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life.
Pearl
Outstanding! Now, Kenny, how about you try? [holds up a board saying] I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed.
Kenny
(I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed!)
Pearl
[looks at him in dismay] O-kay. Kenny, could I talk to you over here real quick?
Kenny
(Sure you can.) [gets up and goes to her desk]
Pearl
Kenny, I don't know quite how to tell you this, but... I'm not sure home economics is right for you.
Kenny
(Why?)
Pearl
Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory, your sewing skills are below average, and, frankly, I don't think the odds of you marrying a nice rich man in the future are very, well, good.
Kenny
(You don't?)
Pearl
No. I think you should consider transferring to shop class.
Kenny
(Shop class?) [images of threatening tools tools fill his head: a drill, a torch, a belt sander, a table saw] (No, I won't!)
Pearl
Now, now. Very few students are severely injured in a shop class.
Kenny
(I don't wanna take shop class!) [draws his hood tight, and the bell rings]
Bebe
Come on! It's time for the fight!
Wendy
Yeah! [the girls begin to file out of class]
Pearl
Fight? Oh no no, girls! Haven't I taught you anything?
The playground, after school. The kids head for the tetherball pole. The fighters are present: Tweek wearing a boxing robe with hood, Craig in sumo gear
Stan
Okay, the time has finally come. [the other kids close in]
Clyde
[holding a box of] Programs, get your programs here. Programs.
Kyle
Remember, Tweek: punch hard, punch low.
Tweek
Hrrr.
Kyle
This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek.
Tweek
Rrrr, mean, rrrr.
Cartman
The spirit of the dragon is in your hands. Hurshar kashurshar. Hurlong churshar. All right?
Craig
Okay.
Cartman
Now, LISTEN to me! Hurlong kashurshar! All right?! And seriously: Hurlong kepur shung kwong!
Craig
Okay, okay!
Tweek is ready first, then Craig gets ready
Tweek
Rrrr! [Craig adjusts his own head] Hr. [Craig flips him off]
Stan
You ready Tweek? You ready Craig? Let's get in on!
Craig
Respect my authority.
Tweek lands some punches and Craig tries to throw Tweek off sumo-style. They go back and forth this way for a while
Stan, Kyle
Come on, Tweek!
Cartman
Come on, Craig!
The shop room. Mr. Adler is alone and starts to write
Mr. Adler
To whom it may concern: I can no longer live without her. I couldn't say goodbye to her, and so now I must say goodbye to all of you, for I am all out of nicotine gum.Sincerely yours,

Richard Adler
Shop Class
P.S. Don't screw around. You all screw around too much.

[he leaves the desk and goes to the table saw, turns on the switch, lies on the table feet first, and is pulled towards the blade]

Mr. Adler
Good-bye, cruel world. [sits up] Jesus Christ! What was I thinking?! That would have hurt like hell! [lie back down, now head first]
the playground. Craig and Tweek tumble towards the school, neither giving in. The other kids follow them to a clearing outside a bungalow, where Craig and Tweek resume trading punches
Stan
Ye-hah!
Cartman
Come on, Craig! Time to kick his ass! [the fighters, now tired and panting, butt heads]
Kyle
Go, Tweek. Kick his ass! Get him!
Cartman
Come on, Craig!
Stan
Come on, Tweek! You got him!
Kyle
Get him! [the fighters just pant, stuck to each other] Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear that?
Tweek
What?
Kyle
Craig just called you a boner!
Tweek
Rrrr! [punches Craig]
Kyle
[to Stan:] We'll just have to keep throwing jabs to win the fight.
Stan
Yeah.
Shop class. Mr. Adler draws closer to the saw blade and sighs. Kenny comes in and hands him Pearl's note.
Kenny
(Hi, Mr. Adler.)
Mr. Adler
What? Who are you? [takes the note and reads] "Kenny McCormick has been transferred from home ec to shop class." Well, all right. Get some safety goggles and start gettin' acquainted with the jigsaw over there. [hands him back the note and Kenny goes to the jigsaw] Hrh.
Outside the bungalow Craig and Tweek continue fighting. They lock up and tumble into the slide, tearing it down. They end up under the debris
Tweek
[gets up] Huh? [Craig pops up and tackles Tweek. The other kids, fearing the fight over, cheer again.]
Shop Class. Kenny starts cutting wood on the jigsaw, but looks at Mr. Adler going to his death. Craig and Tweek crash through the shop class window and continue fighting
Mr. Adler
[sits up] What the-? [the door opens and the other kids pour in]
Stan
Here they are.
Mr. Adler
[stands and walks towards the kids] Hey! What's going on?
Stan
Tweek and Craig are fighting. We're just watching. [trading punches]
Mr. Adler
Well, why the hell don't you stop them?
Cartman
'Cause we have ten bucks riding on it.
Mr. Adler
Don't screw aROUND!
[Craig and Tweek tumble towards Kenny]
Kenny
(Hey!) [They knock the stool out under him. He hangs on to the jigsaw table] (Hey!)
Mr. Adler
Stop screwin' aROUND!!
[Tweek slams Craig into a second jigsaw and both tumble into a tool cart, which falls onto the second jigsaw, which tumbles onto the one Kenny is on.]
Kenny
(Hey, God damn it!)
Mr. Adler
Eh. Hey, you're SCREWIN' AROUND TOO MUCH!! [Kenny gets stuck in the blade and spins around. He's finally thrown clear and ends up in a box of old nails. Some nails fly out of the box.]
Kenny
(Ugh!)
Stan
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards!
Mr. Adler
[goes to the box of nails and plucks Kenny out] Well, don't just stand there, call an ambulance! [the boys just shrug] You see? You see what happens when you screw around in shop class?
Kenny
(I understand, dude.)
Mr. Adler
What? What's that, son?
Fiancée
[through Kenny] Richard.
Mr. Adler
AAaaagh! [settles down] No! No, please don't go. I need you. I can't live without you. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, Stan shrugs]
Fiancée
[visible now, where Kenny's face was] Richard, you have to move on. I want you to be happy.
Mr. Adler
But I can't. I never got a chance to say good-bye.
Fiancée
Then say it now, Richard.
Mr. Adler
Good-bye?
Fiancée
There. Now do you feel better?
Mr. Adler
No.
Fiancée
Of course you don't. Saying good-bye doesn't mean anything. It's the time that we spent together that really matters, not how we loved it.
Mr. Adler
You... you're right. You're right. [The fiancée leaves and an old woman takes her place. The background is blue.]
Woman
Richard, this is Grandma.
Mr. Adler
Gram'ma? Hi, Gram!
Gram'ma
You never said good-bye to me either. [she leaves and a man enters]
Man
Hey, Richard. Remember me?
Mr. Adler
Uncle Corey! Wow, you're all alive again!
Uncle Corey
[gleefully] No! We're dead! [leaves]
Fiancée
[returns] I love you, Richard. See you soon.
Mr. Adler
Thank you. Thank you for freeing me. I feel like now I can move on. Baby, I feel so much better. I feel so alive. [holds Kenny close] Thank you, baby. Thank you.
Stan
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Hell's Pass Hospital. The kids enter. Stan approaches a nurse
Stan
Hi. We're here to visit our good friends, Tweek and Craig.
Nurse
Oh. Well, I suppose a quick visit is okay. Maybe you kids can cheer them up. [leads the way. The kids follow and are let in. Craig and Tweek are in adjacent beds recovering from their injuries.]
Stan
Hey, you guys. How are you feeling?
Tweek
Rrr!
Craig
Ugh.
Stan
Well, uh. We just came by because we have something to tell you.
Kyle
Yeah. See, we got you to fight just 'cause we wanted to see who was the toughest. We made up all that stuff we said to get you guys mad at each other. [Craig flips them off]
Cartman
Yes. You can flip us off, Craig. We deserve that. We just came by to apologize. We feel so bad.
Kyle
Boy, do we ever.
Stan
So I guess we'll be going now, and live with the knowledge that... you're both kind of sissies. [the group turns towards the door]
Tweek, Craig
What?!
Stan
[the group turns back to the beds] Well, I mean, that's what was on the news.
Craig
What was on the news?
Cartman
Oh, you didn't see it? Oh. Tweek's family was on the news saying what a wuss you are, Craig.
Craig
Huh?
Kyle
Yeah. And then Craig's family came on and said Tweek was the wuss, and then punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.
Tweek
Uuh! You son of a bitch! [pounces on Craig, and the fighting starts again, leaving the room a mess]
Craig
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Stan
Come on, Tweek! You got him!
Cartman
Give him sucky, Craig, give him sucky! Hurlong churshar!
End of Tweek vs. Craig


  304: "Tweek vs. Craig" edit
Story Elements

Tweek TweakCraig TuckerMr. AdlerMr. Adler's GirlfriendPearl

Media

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Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season

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