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Cast

  • Eric Cartman
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Stan Marsh
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Leopold "Butters" Stotch
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Craig Tucker
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Liane Cartman
  • Nanny 911 Nanny Stella
  • Supernanny Jo
  • Doctor At Mental Hospital
  • Cesar Millan
  • Announcers
  • Ike Broflovski (photograph)
  • Sheila Broflovski (photograph)
  • Gerald Broflovski (photograph)

Script

Tsst
Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's at his desk with Liane and Eric facing him
Mr. Mackey
Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, mkay?! Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!
Liane
Eric, why would you do such a thing?
Cartman
I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
Mr. Mackey
You know that's not the point!
Cartman
Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.
Liane
That's very naughty, Eric.
Cartman
Well he called me chubby!
Mr. Mackey
We have tried at this school to make Eric understand that there are boundaries, mkay?! But frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home!
Liane
[agreeing] I know. I know he's out of control. But... you don't know what it's like. [reaches into her purse, pulls out a napkin and cries into it] I'm sorry. It's just that... he seems to get worse every day. [crying through her words] He just never listens.
Cartman
Well nice goin', asshole! You made my mom cry!
Liane
It's not him, it's you, Eric. [Cartman's anger vanishes] I don't know what to do with you.
Cartman
Sure you do. You're a great mom.
Who's got the greatest mom in the world?
I dooo.
My mom is number one in my heart.
It's true!
Liane and Eric
My mom's the best mom, better than your mom.
It's singing together in harmony.
Mr. Mackey
Mrs. Cartman, I know this is extremely difficult but, there is help out there for people like you. Have you ever heard of a show called Nanny 911?
Nanny 911 clips.
Announcer
They're every parent's worst nightmare. [Two boys are in a bedroom. The older boy jumps around on the bed and throws a blue pillow at the younger one, the younger one cries, gets up, and throws the pillow back at him.]
Girl
[in the bathroom with her father] Shut up! I hate you! I hate you! [runs away. Her father cries]
Announcer
Kids completely out of control. [a boy is at the dining table at home, next to a bowl of spaghetti. He picks up the bowl, turns it over, dumps the spaghetti to the floor, and wears the bowl as a hat]
Boy
[drops to the floor and slides around in the spaghetti] Look, I'm skating, I'm skating!
Announcer
It's time to call Nanny 911. [a silhouetted nanny walks in from the left and into the show's coats of arms. Next shot is a camera zooming into NANNY CENTRAL. Inside the manor the nannies are shown: Nanny Stella, Nanny Deb, Nanny Yvonne, and Nanny Skexis] We've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis. [five kids are on a living room sofa. One kid dances around, another repeatedly bangs an object on the floor, two others throw stuff to the floor] Parents of America, help is on the way! [Cartman is shown finger-painting] Tonight...
Cartman
[grabs a can of Red Bull. Several more cans are scattered around, and one of them has tipped over and spilled some drink] Mom, I need another energy drink! [tosses a can away. Next shot, he's in the tub taking a bath and farts. Next shot, he has finished off the tacos his mom served him and takes one of hers without permission.]
Announcer
This eight year old son of a single parent just won't behave.
Cartman
[from his days supporting Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ: pounds the table a few times] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets messed up from the impacts]
Announcer
And Nanny Stella is selected to set him straight. [Stella, a stout blonde, walks toward Cartman's house, and people take second looks at her. She approaches Cartman's front door]
Stella
It's time for Nanny Stella to show Eric Cartman his ways are not going to be tolerated anymore! [knocks on the door. Inside, Cartman is playing a video game. Stella knocks again]
Cartman
Mom, are you deaf?! Somebody's at the door!
Liane
[walks by] Yes. I think it's the nanny, poopsiekins.
Cartman
Killer. I'm gonna be on TV now. [burps]
Stella
[Liane answers the door] Hello. I'm Nanny Stella.
Liane
Oh, thank you so much for coming. Please come in. [shows Stella in. Stella walks up to Cartman]
Stella
And you must be Eric.
Cartman
Mom, I want a Twinkie.
Liane
All, all right dear. [starts walking, but Stella stops her]
Stella
Hold on, Mrs. Cartman. There are going to be some rule changes around here, Eric. First of all, no video games until chores are done.
Cartman
[glances up at her] Ha! Hahahahahaha!
Stella
I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
Cartman
[mocking her British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught.
Stella
Right. Then I'm going to have to take it. [takes away the controller, then unplugs and gathers up the rest of the game console]
Cartman
The hell do you think you're doing?
Stella
Come on. [leads Liane and Cartman into the kitchen and sets the console down] This video game is going right here on the counter until we've done some chores. Now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed. [She walks off. Eric simply grabs the console and heads back to the living room, and she returns] Eric, no! This is not acceptable! [takes the console and sets it back on counter]
Cartman
Stop trying to bogart my Xbox, you fat bitch!
Stella
All right, that's it! [grabs his hand] You're going to time-out! [leads him away]
Cartman
Time out?
Stella
[takes him to a stool and places him on it as Liane watches] Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes.
Cartman
[glances down and thinks] And what exactly keeps me on the stool?
Stella
It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
Cartman
[looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that? [walks off to get his X-Box]
Stella
Eric, you have to stay in time-out!
Cartman
Ummm, no?
Stella
[approaches him, takes his hands off the console, and takes him back to the stool] Come on, you don't have a choice.
Cartman
All right, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now.
Stella
[genuflects and addresses him firmly] Eric, you need to listen to me. [to Liane] This is very important. I am getting down to eye level with Eric so that I can talk to him on his level. [to Eric] Eric, you need to understand why you are being punished. All right?
Cartman
I'm just gonna get down as soon as you move.
Stella
Well then, I'll just have to stand right here! [Cartman snorts inward, gathering up a wad of mucus and saliva and spitting it at Stella's mouth] Oh! [Cartman hops off and walks toward his X-Box] He spit in my mouth!
Liane
Yeah, it's best to avoid his level.
Stella
All right! I've dealt with this before! We just need to use psychology on him!
Cartman
[hooks up the X-Box again] Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.
Stella
[genuflects behind him and embraces him] Eric, can I just talk to you for a quick second? Why are you so angry?
Cartman
Because you took my Xbox.
Stella
Is this about more than your video game? Are you feeling angry at me because you think I'm here to change your life?
Cartman
Well, yeah.
Stella
And you're feeling like I have no right to come in and tell you how to live.
Cartman
Yeah. I guess so.
Stella
[to Liane] See this? You have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings. What else are you feeling, Eric?
Cartman
Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny.
Stella
Me? Well, it's because I love children, like you.
Cartman
Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy?
Stella
Oh, I just never had kids.
Cartman
Why not?
Stella
It... just... didn't happen.
Cartman
You're sterile, is that it? [she releases him, taken aback by that question] No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? [her jaw drops] Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.
Stella
Why you, you... [stands up] you little bastard! How dare you?!
Liane
Eric, naughty.
Stella
What kind of [picks him up by the collar] monster would-
Cartman
Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile! [Stella drops him and steps back a bit]
Stella
That's it! [walks up to the camera] I'm not doing this!
Liane
Oh, but we really need some help. [Stella steps back to talk to Liane]
Stella
Find yourself another nanny... television show!
Next nanny show: A British flag, then a smiling nanny, then the nanny next to a British phone, with three kids next to her, then an early limousine pulls up and she gets inside it, then an American flag appears, then she's having dinner with an American family. Last scene is a montage of children she's dealt with over the length of her career
Announcer
Coming up next, it's Super Nanny! Where other nannies fail, Nanny Jo comes through. [a parasol appears in her hand, then the camera pulls back to show three child silhouettes on either side of her. The silhouettes jump up and down]
The Super Nanny's limo rolls up to Cartman's house. In the back seat, she's holding up a portable DVD player. A scene of Nanny 911 is playing: Stella taking the X-Box from Cartman after they enter the kitchen
Jo
This child's behavior is totally unacceptable!
Cartman's front door. Jo walks up and knocks
Jo
Well, there's no trial too tough for Super Nanny! In just three days' time you're going to see a new Eric Cartman.
Three days later, Slater-Carey Mental Hospital. Inside, a doctor is walking down the hall with Liane
Doctor
I'm afraid Super Nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.
Liane
What do you mean?
Doctor
I mean, [looks into the nanny's room, 23A] she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement. [Liane looks inside through a window. Jo is glued to her toilet seat, eating her own shit.]
Jo
[through mouthfuls of poop] From heeell! It's from heeell!
Liane
Oh dear. I don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems. We've been through every nanny reality show on television.
Doctor
Well there... is... one more show you could still try.
Dog Whisperer title screen. First scene: two dog owners try to keep their angry dogs away from each other. Second scene, a Chihuahua tries to keep a lampshade his owner is trying to take from him. Next, a man runs through a meadow with four dogs. Next, he's skating down a city street with six dogs on leashes pulling him along. Next, he's training a dog at poolside. Next, he's handling a terribly agitated dog. Next, he's running along a shore with the six dogs he had on leashes earlier, now unleashed. Next, he's giving a dog's leash to its female dog owner. Finally, a montage of silhouettes with Cesar and a bunch of dogs
Announcer
When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend. Cesar Millan.
Cesar
No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I am the dog wheesperer.
The Cartman house, day. Cesar approaches the front door and knocks. Liane answers
Liane
Please, come in.
The living room. Cesar walks in and quickly ignores Cartman
Cesar
So tell me what are the problems you are having with the child?
Liane
Well, he's just... out of control. I mean, he never listens to me, and he pretty much runs my life.
Cesar
So the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house.
Cartman
You can stop talkin' behind my back; I'm right here, fruitcake.
Cesar
See I'm not looking at the child, I'm not acknowledging the child, I'm just letting the child know I'm not interested in him.
Cartman
Not interested in me?
Cesar
See the child thinks your world revolves around him, because it does. Because everything he does gets a response from you.
Cartman
Yeah, well I don't see why-
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
Hey!
Cesar
Don't look at the child; just keep looking at me. Let, let him know we are having a conversation.
Cartman
Mom, this guy doesn't-
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
Ah! Quit it!
Liane
What what is it that you're doing?
Cesar
Dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck, but it works equally well on a child. I just use two fingers, nip at the child's neck, doesn't hurt the child, just let him know I am dominant.
Cartman
Look, Mexican, if you really think that you can-
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
KNOCK IT OFF!
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst. See, I'm not validating his bad behavior with either negative or positive response.
Liane
Oh, that's very interesting.
Cesar
I think the first thing we need to work on is getting the child some exercise. He's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that-
Cartman
I'm not fat!
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst. -we need to let him burn off. Do you take walks with your son?
Liane
Well, no, I don't.
Cesar
Go on, take your son for a walk.
Outside. Cesar and Liane are walking along, with Cesar holding Cartman on a leash and harness
Cartman
Ey! You think this is funny, you sonofabitch?
Cesar
See once again, I am the one going for a walk. It's about me, the child is lucky to come along.
Cartman
Mom, this is degrading!
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
Agh! Goddamnit! Aaarrgh! [begins to strain the leash, but can't get loose. He struggles to escape]
Cesar
Don't look at him, just look straight ahead and he'll run out of evergy soon. [Cartman tries to get loose from the leash, but Cesar reins him back every time. Cartman starts getting tired.]
Cartman
Maaaa. Mommm. [getting hoarse] Mommm.
Cesar
Here, why don't you try it now? Take your son. [Liane takes the leash and Cartman goes to her left side]
Cartman
Mom, seriously, people are seeing me!
Cesar
Good. Just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead. The child can pick up on that confidence, learning he's supposed to follow you, not lead you.
Cartman
Mom, don't you love me? Can't you see I'm unhappy right now?
Liane
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cesar is pleased]
Cartman
Mom!
Cesar
Good, Ms. Cartman. Very good!
The Dog Whisperer, back to the show.
Announcer
And now, back to the Dog Whisperer.
Cesar is in the living room talking with Liane. A bag sits on the floor to his left.
Cesar
It is important to understand that dogs run in packs. And one dog is always dominant: the pack leader.
Cartman
[on the sofa to Liane's left] God dammit stop ignoring me!
Cesar
You must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy.
Liane
Ahall right.
Cartman
This is abuse! I am a child, and I am entitled to attention!
Liane
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
Quit it, mom!
Liane
It doesn't seem to work as well when I do it.
Cesar
Okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy. What I have done is I have brought over some Kentucky Fried Chicken. [pulls a bucket of chicken out of the bag. He and Liane walk away from the sofa]
Cartman
Ooo, Colonel?
Cesar
I am going to eat first, because that is what the pack leader does. [Cartman hops down from the sofa and goes to the bucket]
Cartman
Give, give me the chicken. G-give me some chicken.
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
Eh, what are you doing? I want chicken! Give me some Goddamned chicken!
Cesar
I am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive dominant behavior. Now you eat the chicken. [hands the bucket to Liane]
Cartman
Mom, gimme, give me some chicken; I want some chicken, Mom!
Cesar
We won't reward him until he's in a calm submissive behavior.
Cartman
[to Cesar] Goddammit, I am not a dog! [turns to Liane and hops up and down like an excited dog] Give me the chicken. Give, give, give me the chicken. I want the chicken! Chicken! [gets shrill] Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken!
Cesar
[observing Cartman] We need him to become relaxed and submissive.
Cartman
Gih- [quiets down] Okay, I'm fine. I'm cool now. May I have some chicken please?
Liane
Oh, very good, sweetie.
Cesar
Oh no, now he's lying. You can tell from his stance he's still aggressive-dominant.
Cartman
Suck my asshole, taco vendor!
Cesar
See?
Cartman
Goddamnit, you can't stand here and eat KFC in front of me! [to Liane] Now hand it over!
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
You can't do that to me, I-
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman sits on the floor]
Cartman
Goddamnit, you just can't-
Cesar
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is on his back]
Cartman
Seriously! Ey? Eh... [he's now fully on his back, calm]
Cesar
I am not being aggressive; I am being dominant.
Liane
Wow, I have a lot to learn.
Cartman
[sits up, then stands] Mom, I am serious! This has gone on long enough! Get that guy out of here and give me a piece of chicken! [Liane ignores him by looking up and away] That's how you want it, bitch?! Fine! [goes upstairs] I hate you! I'm running away!
Liane
Oh dear. [Cartman's bedroom door closes]
Cesar
It's okay, this is all part of the dominance struggle.
Liane
But what if he does run away?
Cesar
Let him go. He'll be back. This a good opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your favorite hobby. [they walk toward the kitchen]
Stan's living room, later. Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are playing Monopoly.
Butters
[his turn] Oh boy, Park Avenue! I'm rich! [he and the dealer Stan exchange money through Kyle. Cartman enters]
Cartman
Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. [sighs as Kyle takes his turn] I ran away from home. Yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough livin' on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
Stan
[takes his turn] You can't stay here.
Cartman
Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep! I'm out on the street!
Kyle
You're not staying at my house either.
Cartman
All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
Butters
No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
Cartman
Well what do you guys expect me to do?! Stay at Kenny's house?! [Kenny takes his turn] His family's totally poor; I'm not staying with poor people! [play continues] All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
Kenny
(Fuck you.)
Cartman
Och! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere! [Butters takes his turn] Out in the cold! Probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys'll be sorry when I turn up dead! [walks out and shuts the front door]
Butters
[taking his turn] Whoopie! G and R Railroad!
Jimmy's house. The doorbell rings and Jimmy walks over to answer the door. He opens it and sees Cartman there.
Cartman
Hey Jimmy. You're not gonna believe this, but... I ran away from home. I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.
Jimmy
Who is your best friend?
Cartman
You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other.
Jimmy
What's my last name?
Cartman
[tries to answer, but can't, so he leaves in a huff] Goddammit! [knocks on another door and Craig answers] Craig, dude, I ran away from home. You're the first person I came to. I knew you'd take me in off the streets.
Craig
...But I hate you.
Cartman
...Should that really matter at a time like this?
An alley in downtown South Park, during a rainy moment. Cartman sits next to a trash bin, shielding himself from the rain with some newspaper and some other sheets
Cartman
This is bullcrap! Mom'll break soon. I can outlast her.
Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen making a calligraphic painting. The front door closes and Cartman appears
Cartman
All right, I'm back.
Liane
Oh Eric, I'm so happy you're home.
Cartman
Yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson! I've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here.
Liane
Look what I did, Eric. I learned how to make Sumie paintings. I had almost forgotten how artistic I was.
Cartman
That's super-interesting. But I've been out living in the streets for almost four hours! Make me something to eat.
Liane
Cesar...
Cesar
How is the painting going?
Cartman
Aw, Goddammit!
Cesar
Oh look, it came back.
Liane
Yup, just like you said he would.
Cartman
What is he still doing here?!
Liane
He said he's hungry. What should I do?
Cesar
Well, let's feed it.
An hour or so later, they're seated at the dining room table for dinner
Cartman
What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!
Cesar
This is more aggressive-dominant behavior. Don't nurture it.
Cartman
Oh my God. Bite-size Snickers? That's it. I'm calling child-protective services! [gets off and walks to the phone]
Cesar
Come on, Ms. Cartman, you must become pack leader. What do you do?
Liane
Eric, if you don't want to eat then, why don't you go brush your teeth and go to bed?!
Cesar
Nooo, you're asking him a favor. Don't ask a favor, dominate! [they walk up to Cartman, who's ready to dial]
Cartman
Mom, I want this guy OUT of here! You got it? If he's not gone, in two minutes, I will call social services on you!
Cesar
You project the dominant energy and he will pick up on it. I promise. Shoulder back, head high, don't reason with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it.
Cartman
I am your son, and you will listen to me! You have no right to-
Liane
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
Mon, know it off! I'm not gonna stand for th-
Liane
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman drops the receiver and sits on the floor]
Cartman
Seriously! Mom-
Liane
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
Seriously! Why are you... doing this-?
Liane
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is flat on his back]
Cartman
Mom?!
Liane
[pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman
Mom? Mom...
Liane
[makes sure Cartman is relaxed, then stands up and turns to Cesar] I did it! [smiles. Cartman doesn't move]
The living room, moments later. Cesar is back on a chair as Liane sits on the sofa
Cesar
You see? You're calm, assertive, and in control. [Cartman walks by, looking defeated, glances at Cesar, then at his mom, then sits by his mom on the sofa and cuddles up to her, a little warily]
Liane
Oh... Oh my gosh!
Cesar
See? This is the behavior we've been looking for. This is a relaxed, submissive state.
Liane
He's never done this before.
Cesar
Good. Now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention.
Liane
I love you very much, poopsiekins. You're Mommy's sunshine. [Cartman sniffs]
Cesar
Now you can give him a snack. [Liane offers Cartman a chunk of candy, which Cartman laps up like a dog] Good, this is really good. Now try a command.
Liane
Eric, I want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth. Then I'll be up to read you a story before bed. [Cartman doesn't do anything at first, then he hops off the sofa and heads for his room, head down] Oh my goodness. I can't believe it.
Cesar
This is a great first step, but you're gonna have to stay firm and confident. You are the pack leader now.
Liane
I am the pack leader! [grins]
Cesar
Now before you go read your son his story let's go enjoy a nice quiet cup of tea.
Liane
Sounds divine!
The bathroom. Cartman goes in to brush his teeth.
Cartman
Who does she think she is, telling me to go brush my teeth?! [despite his indignation, he looks compeled to follow orders. He gets up on the stool, gets the toothbrush, turns on the cold water, and gets the toothpaste] Jesus. What's happening to me?
Café Monet, day. Cesar and Liane wait to be served as a waiter attends other tables al fresco
Cesar
So, how is your son doing, Ms. Cartman?
Liane
Oh, he's been amazing, Cesar. He got an A on his last spelling test and a B+ in history. He's losing weight and he's doing what I tell him.
Cesar
That's greeat!
Liane
The best part is I'm not letting him boss me around anymore. I could have never come out and have a nice lunch on a Saturday afternoon with a friend before.
Cesar
Good, Ms. Cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend.
Liane
There's just one problem: he still fights me every step of the way. I feel like he's doing what I tell him, but that inside he's still the same angry spoiled child.
Cesar
Don't worry. When you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality.
Liane
Oh Cesar, I'm so happy to have you in my life. [places her left hand on his right one - closeup shot]
Kyle's house, later. The boys have gathered there to play video games. Cartman enters, wearing a blue shirt and combed hair. He looks thinner
Cartman
Guys, listen up. I really need your help this time. I've thought about it a lot and I've decided I have to kill my mom.
Butters
Kill your mom?
Cartman
She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore. Things have really gotten out of hand! My mom must die so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life. She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes.
Stan
Dude, have you lost more weight?
Cartman
Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now! I have to kill my mom. It's my only way out.
Kyle
Dude, don't kill your mom. That's not cool.
Cartman
She's Hitler! Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance?! [rushes away and gets an easel with some schematics on it] All right now, here's the plan. At 9:45 tonight I will sneak out of my room and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked. [the plan includes blaming Token for the murder] You guys come into the house at 10:30 p.m. sharp, having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there. And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom.
Stan
Dude, we're not killing your mom.
Cartman
Well I can't kill her. I'm too obvious a suspect. Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a lookout while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and Stan shoots her in the face.
Stan
Where am I supposed to get a gun?
Cartman
Well I don't know. That's your job, Stan! Do I have to think of everything here?!
Stan
I'm not shooting anybody.
Cartman
Okay, fine. Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face.
Kyle
NO, Cartman!
Cartman
Oh! Well how about I do everything?! How does that sound?! I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games?! [the boys ignore him. He gets pissed off and walks away with the easel] Fine! I'll do it by myself!
Cartman's house, night, the master bedroom. Liane is sleeping in her bed. The door cracks open and light enters the room. A silhouette of Cartman and a sharp object rises from the floor. Cartman walks in with a roll of paper towels in his left hand and a large kitchen knife in his right hand. He climbs the bed and stands over her.
Cartman
You forced me to do this! You couldn't just love me as a son. [Liane moves a bit] You just had to humiliate and degrade me with your rules. I won't let you dominate my life anymore! [he moves the knife to a stabbing position] Goodbye, Mother. [about to deliver the fatal stab, he trembles for a few seconds, but his conscience gets a hold of him. Cartman relaxes a bit]
Cartman's Conscience
Wait. Maybe I don't have the right to kill my mom.
Cartman
[shakes it off] No! She's my mom, I can do whatever I want with her! It's more important that I live the way I want!
Cartman's Good Side
She isn't an object you can own. She's a human being.
Cartman
She isn't an object I can own. Sh-she's a human being.
Cartman's Bad Side
No, she's just... out to make you suffer!
Cartman
Ugh. Eh. Maybe all these changes are good for me. Maybe...
Cartman's Good Side
The world doesn't revolve around me?
Cartman
[hops off the bed, dropping the knife and roll of paper as he heads for the door] Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me. [stops and vomits some pretty black stuff. Could be the evil in him]
Cartman's Good Side
The world doesn't revolve around me!
Cartman's Bad Side
Idiot! [Cartman pounds the floor and gets up. For a moment he turns into a snowy screen, then into a red silhouette, snowy screen, back and forth as he fights his sides leaving his mom's room and going to his. At his door he turns into a blob, which is added to the silhouette and screen effects until he passes out in the hallway]
Morning at the Cartman house. Liane has showered and dressed, and enters the room with the knife and roll of paper towels Cartman left in her room the night before. She's wondering how they got there. She might have asked Cartman how they got into her room, but she's more shocked by what she sees next. Cartman is at the table doing his math homework and eating breakfast at the same time, quietly
Liane
Why Eric, you made your own breakfast.
Cartman
Yeah Mom, it's okay. It's grapefruit and lean ham.
Liane
And you're studying before school?
Cartman
Well, you told me I had to review my homework before class started.
Liane
[a tear escapes her left eye] Oh, Eric. I'm very proud of you.
Cartman
Tha... thank you?
Liane
I love you, sweetie.
Cartman
'K Mom, you're embarrassing me, jeez. [the doorbell rings and Liane goes to answer the door]
Liane
Cesar. I'm so happy you're back.
Cesar
How is the child doing?
Liane
Oh, he's amazing. I think the change in personality happened. He's doing things for himself now, and he seems to be accepting it. I've lost a best friend, but I've gained a son.
Cesar
That's much healthier for him, and when he gets older he'll be able to be your friend too.
Liane
You're the best, Cesar, and to show my gratitude I've got two tickets for you and me to see Madame Butterfly this Friday night.
Cesar
Well no, my work is done. I've got to get back to Los Angeles.
Liane
Oh... But I thought we were becoming friends.
Cesar
No, not really. You're just a client. Well, good luck to you. Gotta go. [turns around and walks away. Cartman shows up soon after]
Cartman
I cleared up the table, Mom. I'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now. [waits a bit, then turns to go to his room. Liane turns around]
Liane
Eric, how would you like to go with me to see Madame Butterfly Friday night?
Cartman
No, that's okay. Besides, I told Stan and Kyle we could work on our science project then.
Liane
Well, what if I took you to Kentucky Fried Chicken afterward? [Cartman blinks, Liane genuflects] And then we'll go to Target and buy you a Mega Ranger.
Cartman
Could I... perhaps have... two Mega Rangers?
Liane
[hugs him] Yes, darling. You can have whatever you want. [A beatific smile appears on Cartman's face as foreboding music plays.]
End of Tsst


  1007: "Tsst" edit
Story Elements

"Who's Got the Greatest Mom In The World?" • Nanny SkexisStella ReidSupernannyCesar Millan • "Don't Stop Believin'" • "Ave Satani"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Tenth Season

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