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The official script for "Trapper Keeper" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Ms. Crabtree
  • BSM-471 (Bill Cosby)
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Liane Cartman
  • Rosie O'Donnell
  • Jesse Jackson
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Filmore Anderson
  • Kindergarteners
    • Jenny
    • Sally Bands
    • Billy Harris
    • Flora
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Two Cheyenne Mountain security guards
  • Townsfolk

Script

Trapper Keeper
Bus Stop. Stan and Kenny wait patiently. Kyle and Ike walk up. Ike is dressed in a little business suit and his hair is combed
Stan
Dude, what's your little brother doing here?
Kyle
Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten.
Stan
But isn't he only three years old?
Kyle
Yeah, but he's some kind of genius, so he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten.
Ike
I pooped my pants.
Kyle
[moves Ike aside and shows his folder] But dude, check out my new Trapper Keeper. [opens it up and displays the inside] It has five different compartments for each subject in school, [closes it and shows off the covers] and it's all covered with pictures from Dawson's Creek.
Stan
Cool!
Cartman
[walks up with his own folder] Hey, dudes. Check out my sweet Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultra Keeper Futura 2000. [slight pause. Kyle reacts] Yeah, well, [opens his up] it's got ten different compartments for every subject in school, an electronic pencil sharpener, four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax, a better picture of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's, [opens it up again] flat-screen TV, and of course, OnStar.
Stan
Wow, cool!
Kyle
Goddammit, Cartman! You only got that because you knew my mom would buy it for me!
Cartman
Oh, but you have a Trapper Keepe-- Oh, you got the little Crapper Keeper, didn't you? Well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase.
Kyle
He's going to kindergarten because he's a genius!
Cartman
He's not a genius; he's a little douchebag.
Ike
I pooped my pants!
Kyle
He's smarter than you, fat boy! I don't even know how you made it into fourth grade! I thought--
Cartman
Trapper Keeper, I need to drown out my annoying friend. Please initiate music, country, high volume. [soft music plays and Cartman starts to dance]
Kyle
Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman! [music continues, and the bus rolls up]
School bus. The boys take their seats. Cartman and Kenny sit behind Kyle, Stan, and Ike. Stan, Kyle and Kenny notice a disheveled man on the other side of the bus
Stan
Ms. Crabtree, there's another creepy homeless guy on the bus.
Ms. Crabtree
Sit down and shut up!!
Stan
But they smell like pee.
Man
[in European accent] I am not a homeless person. I am a new fourth-grade student.
Kyle
You are?
Man
Yes! My name is Bill. Bill Cosby.
Stan
Aren't you a little old to be in grade school?
Bill
I was held back ten human grades. [grimaces and grunts] I mean, grades. Do you companion-friends know Eric Cartman?
Cartman
Yeah, that's me.
Bill
Eric Cartman? And you have a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000?
Cartman
Yeahhh, you already know about it?
Bill
Yes. Yes, I do.
Cartman
Well... [mocking] "Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!"
Kyle
I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!
Stan
Dude, do you really care if Cartman has something that's better than yours?
Kyle
No, I don't! I don't care!
Cartman
[stick the notebook out] Here, Kyle. [Bill stares at Cartman's Trapper Keeper]
South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. The room appears festive, the wall adorned with a beaming sun with rays coming from it, rolling hills with trees here and there. The kids enter and take their places at the round table. Two miffed boys stand by the door as Ike enters the room
Boy #1
Hey, there he is. That's the kid that's s'posed to be some kind of genius.
Boy #2
Yeah, he's only three and he's already in kindergarten.
Boy #1*
Come on. [The two boys walk up to Ike and sit on the chairs on either side of him] So, you think you're smarter than the rest of us? Do you think you know more about the world just because you are only 3 and we're 5?
Ike
Unkoo baba.
Mr. Garrison
[enters the room] Okay, children, let's take our seats. [closes the door and approaches the table] My name is Mr. Garrison, and I'm the new kindergarten teacher. I used to be the third grade teacher, but I had a little [wags the index and ring finger of each hand] "nervous breakdown" and went into the mountains where I lived off of "rat carcasses". [a view of some of the kids' reactions] But I'm all better now, and the school was nice enough to let me go on teaching, as long as it was for kindergarten. [a view of other kids' reactions] But it's not a demotion. No. I mean, just because a teacher was teaching third grade and now is teaching kindergarten, that's not a demotion, is it? [the kids look confused] No, that's right, it's not. Well, let's start with roll call. Uh, let's see. Filmore Anderson?
Filmore*
Here.
Mr. Garrison
Sally Bands?
Sally
Here.
Mr. Garrison
Ike Broflovski?
Ike
Cookie Monster.
Mr. Garrison
Broflovski, I had your older brother Kyle in my third-grade class. He's a very smart kid. I'm sure you are, too. [Fillmore and his friend glare at Ike] Well that's bad news for everybody else, because I will be grading you all on a curve. [Ike looks at Filmore and friend and starts to sink in his seat]
South Park Elementary, fourth grade room. The class is present, along with "Bill Cosby" Cartman elaborates on the wonderful attributes of his Trapper Keeper
Cartman
And so the other thing that makes my Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is that it can add any peripheral device to itself automatically. [Kyle glares at him with arms crossed.] I can take something as simple as this calculator [a Wellington Bear model] and... Trapper Keeper?
Trapper Keeper
[its TV screen turns on] Trapper Keeper active.
Cartman
Hybrid with Wellington Bear calculator.
Trapper Keeper
Ready for hybrid. [Two cables reach out and grab the calculator and pull it into a ready slot. Cartman closes the Trapper Keeper]
Cartman
And now it can use Wellington Bear calculator, too.
Kids
Wow.
Bill
[reaches over Cartman's shoulder] May I hold your Trapper Keeper?
Cartman
Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby, because it is coded to the prints on my fingers. [wiggles them outstretched] If anybody but me tries to hold it, big metal spikes come out and pierce through their hands.
Kyle
Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman! Metal spikes will not come out!
Cartman
Oh really? [hands the folder over to Kyle] Then, why don't you hold it? [Kyle looks at it in Cartman's outstretched hand.] Well, go on, Kyle. If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it. [inches closer and whispers] Hold it.
Kyle
I'm gonna!
Cartman
[inches closer and whispers] Hold it.
Kyle
I will!
South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. Mr. Garrison is telling his life story to the kids
Mr. Garrison
And that's how the relationship with my father sort of ended. There's still some sort of skeletons in the closet, but things between us are a little better. [some of the kids are stunned. Garrison starts writing on the board] Okay, children, well now it's time for us to elect a class president, [writes up "KINDERGARTEN CLASS PRESIDENT" on the chalkboard and underlines it] so first we must pick nominees. [turns and faces the class] Who would like to nominate someone?
Boy #2
I nominate Filmore, because he's the smartest kid in the class.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, Filmore. [writes the name on the board] You'll be our first nominee. And who else? [a girl raises her hand] Yes, Jenny.
Jenny
I gotta go doodie.
Mr. Garrison
In a minute, Jenny. Who else wants to nominate a class president? [the kids stay quiet] Oh, come on! You can't have an election with just one person running! What's the fun in that? Ike? How about you? You're a genius.
Ike
[looks at an angry Fillmore and friend] No.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, our second nominee is Ike the genius. [writes the name up on the board. Filmore and friend stare at a chagrined Ike] Okay, children, now we'll hear briefly from each nominee. Filmore, why don't you go first?
Filmore
[leaves his seat, approaches the board, and faces the class] If I'm elected class president, I'll call for big ol' chairs. And on Fridays, I'll add two minutes to nap time. Thank you. [returns to his seat]
Mr. Garrison
Very enthralling. Okay, Ike? How about you?
Ike
[leaves his seat, approaches the board, and faces the class] Cookie Monster. Ice.
Mr. Garrison
...Well, this is gonna be a tough one, kids.
South Park Elementary, playground. The four boys stand around the tetherball pole while two kids in front of them toss a football, two girls walk by behind them, another kid climbs the jungle gym, and another rocks on a hobby elephant
Stan
Oh, no, dude, here comes that weird new kid.
Bill
Ahhh, hello Eric. Can I be your human friend? [winces] I mean, friend?
Cartman
I don't know, dude. I'm not supposed to have any male friends that are over 30. I kind of screwed on that once.
Bill
Please. We can have fun and play games, like human four square-- [coughs up] I mean, four square.
Cartman
Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's friend and be their friend; it doesn't work that way. If you want to be my friend, you'll have to pay me.
Bil
Oh, I see. Alright, I'll pay 100 geliga stones-- Uh, I mean, human dollars! Eugh, I mean dollars!
Cartman
Okay, that's cool.
Bil
[holds up the tetherball] Can we play some human tetherball?
Cartman
A-alright. Pretty sweet, you guys, getting a hundred bucks to play tetherball with some-- [by this time, "Bill" has pulled away from the pole and Cartman, and has the tether taut and ready to release]
Bil
Serve! [whips the ball at Cartman, knocking him onto his back. The Trapper Keeper falls away and lands next to Kenny. "Bill" makes his move]
Cartman
Ugh..! ["Bill" goes after the Trapper Keeper and runs away with it]
Bil
Got it!
Cartman
Ey!
Stan
Dude! He's running off with your Trapper Keeper! [just then, spikes come out of the Trapper Keeper and some of them go clear through "Bill's" hands.]
Bill
[stops and looks at his pierced hands] Waa-agggh! [clenches his teeth and continues running]
Cartman
You son of a bitch! [recalls something] Wait a minute. [whips out a small gadget and activates it] Lucky for me, I have my Trapper Keeper homing device. [walks towards the source of the sound heard in the device and away from his friends]
Stan
[confused] What the hell just happened?
Kyle
[angry] Damn! I thought fourth grade was gonna be different.
South Park Elementary, Kindergarten. Mr. Garrison tallies up the votes so far on the board...
Mr. Garrison
So that's six votes for Filmore and six votes for Ike. [sets the chalk down and reads the last ballot] And the last vote is for... Uh, let's see. Flora, I can't tell who you voted for. [Flora, a timid, pretty blond girl trying to bury her face into her laps, which are raised up on the chair, is shown] You've got the winning vote, Flora. Who d'you pick?
Flora
I don't know... [smiles and looks down and away]
Mr. Garrison
Flora, you have to pick one. Filmore or Ike?
Flora
Um, I vote for... I don't know.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, great! Flora's undecided! Well, you're just gonna have to sit there, Flora, and think about it until you come up with an answer.
Flora
Okay.
Boy #
Flora, just say you vote for Filmore so we can all go home.
Flora
Um...
Sally
No! You want Ike to be president.
Filmore
We're gonna be here all night! Why don't you guys just concede?
Two kids
Yeah!
Sally
Why don't you just concede?
Other kids
Yeah! [the kids start to argue]
Some Kids
Filmore!
Other Kids
Ike!
Girl
I want Ike to be president! [several kids from Filmore's side rush across the table to kids on Ike's side]
Mr. Garrison
Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're all acting like a bunch o' kids!
South Park, day. A police car zooms down the street. Officer Barbrady flies down the road in the police cruiser with Cartman in the passenger seat and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny in the back seat. Cartman has the Trapper Tracker Keeper in his hand and is following the Trapper Keeper's signal on the Tracker's screen
Cartman
Turn left here! We're getting close! Get your gun ready!
Barbrady
Eric, I'm not gonna shoot anybody for taking your school folder.
Cartman
[grabs Barbrady's ] It was not a school folder, it was a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000! And if-- [spots "Bill"] There he is!
Bill
[turns to see the cruiser coming his way] Wagh!
Cartman
Got ya! [grabs the steering wheel from Barbrady]
Barbrady
Hey! [Cartman steers the cruiser into a building, crushing "Bill" and rattling the building]
Bill
Gaagghhh! [crumples to the floor. Barbrady and the others exit the car and gather at Bill. His left arm has been amputated, revealing functioning wires. The lower half holding the Trapper Keeper in hand. Barbrady and the boys stare in shock]
Kyle
Whoa, dude..!
End of act one. Time: 7:50
same time, later...
Cartman
Ahh, try to take my Trapper Keeper, will you?
Bill
Please. You do not understand.
Cartman
[takes his place] Book him, Barbrady. Another job well done.
Bill
[plaintive] That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!
Stan
Why are you so obsessed with Cartman's Trapper Keeper, Bill Cosby?
Barbrady
Bill Cosby?
Bill
Nooo! Listen to me! I am not really Bill Cosby. [the boys and Barbrady show shock] My name is BSM-471. I am a cyborg engineered by humans from the year 2034.
Barbrady
Well, I knew you weren't Bill Cosby!
BSM-471
I have come to destroy that Trapper Keeper, because it was the Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to an Eric Cartman in South Park which three years from now manifests itself into an omnipotent super being, and destroys all of humanity. In the year 2004, a hybrid-assimilating computer linked with a satellite uplink computer. From there it was able to slowly take over every computer in the world. [cables reach out from the Trapper Keeper and engulf two computers. The process continues engulfing all of the US] It became stronger and stronger, until by the year 2018 it broke away from mankind [skulls litter the landscape] and there was nothing the humans could do. [in the distance a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper tower rises] It wasn't long before Mighty Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything it saw as useless, including humans. [people are shot left and right from the Trapper Keeper's weapons] The nations tried everything to stop it. [troops line up and fire at the Trapper Keeper] Nuclear devices, seismic missiles. But nothing worked. [robotic tanks come into view, firing away at the Trapper Keeper] The humans built robots of their own, whole armies of them. [DC TK209s approach the advancing armies and fire at them] But nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper Keeper. [the battle scene fades, and BSM-471 is shown once again on the ground] And so finally, the humans decided to send one of their robots into the past to destroy the Trapper Keeper before it even got started.
Stan
Wow, that's amazing.
Kyle
Man, I guess sometimes we let our technology and stuff grow too fast.
Stan
What do you think, Officer Barbrady?
Barbrady
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
BSM-471
And so, Eric. Now you see why we must destroy your Trapper Keeper.
Cartman
[long pause] You guys. Did I mention that it has a pencil sharpener and a crayon sharpener?
Stan
Cartman, it takes over the world and destroy all of humanity!
Cartman
What would you guys have me do, huh?! Walk around with just a plain old Trapper Keeper like Kyle's?! Is that what you want?!
Stan
Yes!
Cartman
Aw, damnit! [throws his Trapper Keeper to the ground] Here! Take it! You want my heart as well?! You'll find it on the bottom of your shoes! [walks off to his left sadly]
South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The class is looking at Flora. Mr. Garrison sits on a chair looking bored
Flora
I decided.
Mr. Garrison
[jumps up] Oh, thank God, Flora! [gets ready to write] Alright, who do you vote for?
Flora
Umm... Ike.
Supporters
Yay!
Mr. Garrison
[adds the tally to Ike's total] Okay, so then the total is six for Filmore and now seven votes for Ike. Ike is the new class president.
Filmore
We want a recount.
Mr. Garrison
[miffed] What?
Filmore's Supporters
Recount! Recount! Recount! Recount!
Mr. Garrison
Oh, of all the juvenile things I've ever heard! You lost, Filmore! Don't be such a baby! [Filmore cries and throws a tantrum, pounding away on the classroom table] Alright, alright, I'll count up the ballots again. Okay, we had one vote for Filmore... [writes Filmore's name on the board. A time lapse shows him writing on a crowded board now] ...And this time, I again get six votes for Filmore and seven votes for Ike.
Filmore
Count them again.
Supporters
Yeah!
Mr. Garrison
No, children! I've recounted 106 times now and I keep coming up with seven to six! Except in the one instance where it came out seven to five, and one where it came out twelve to fourteen. It's over! Ike is class president!
Kid #2
Wait, there's still that absent kid.
Fillmore
Yeah. If Carlos is absent, we have to wait for his vote.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, will you grow up?!
Supporters
[clamoring] Absent kids count! Absent kids count! Absent kids count!
Mr. Garrison
Jesus..! Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow so the absent kid can cast his vote. Now go home! [the kids leave]
South Park Elementary, hallway, next day.
BSM-471
Good morning, humans.
Stan/Kyle
Hey, Bill Cosby.
BSM-471
I have successfully destroyed Eric Cartman's Trapper Keeper. I broke it apart, dipped the motherboards in acid, burned the memory chips, and sent the wiring to the four corners of Canada.
Kyle
That should do it.
Stan
So what are you going to do with your crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?
BSM-471
Well, that is a problem that is causing me some disconcernment. I am still here, but I shouldn't be here. If Trapper Keeper has been stopped, then I should not exist. But here I am. Something is still not right.
Cartman
[walks up with another Trapper Keeper] Hey, dudes.
Stan
Cartman! You still got a Trapper Keeper!
Cartman
Yeah, I'm a genius! Last night I went home and told my mom that I lost the last one. Then I cried and I cried, and finally she felt so bad that she took me to the store and bought me a new one! [holds it up high] So everything worked out.
BSM-471
[frightened] Oh no!
Kyle
Cartman, you dumbass! You can't get a new one!
Cartman
Why the hell not?!
Stan
Because if your Trapper Keeper takes over the world, then maybe it was this Trapper Keeper and not the one before!
Cartman
Wait... so then you guys burned my last one for no reason!
BSM-471
We will have to destroy this Trapper Keeper.
Cartman
[holds his Trapper Keeper close] But I don't think I can get my mom to buy me another one.
Kyle
Don't you get it?! You can't have any Trapper Keepers, fat ass!
Cartman
Oh, that is bullcrap! And you know what I think? I think this whole thing is a setup! That's right! Kyle got this guy to say that he's a robot from the future just because he's jealous of my Trapper Keeper! And you know what else? Screw you guys. I'm going home. [moves off to his left]
Stan
Cartman!
Cartman
Ech! Screw you guys. Home. [walks away]
BSM-471
Well, that does it! [pull out a pocket phaser from his overcoat and aims it at Cartman]
Kyle
Hey! What are you doing?
BSM-471
I'm afraid I have no other choice. [pulls the phaser back] For the sake of humanity, I have to kill him.
Kyle
Oh... Okay.
Stan
Yeah, that's fine. ["Bill" aims the phaser once again] No, wait!
BSM-471
What?
Stan
Can I do it?
BSM-471
Oh, well, I suppose. [tosses the phaser to Stan]
Stan
[takes it and quickly aims] Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, fat boy!
BSM-471
Wait! [grabs it back] Perhaps there is another way. If you could take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Stan
Well, yeah, or we could just kill him.
Kyle
Yeah, that'd be faster.
Stan
He's right there.
BSM-471
I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you humons call "compassion". It is an amazing feeling!
Stan/Kyle/ Kenny
Awww..!
South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison stands before the class and begins to speak
Mr. Garrison
Alright children, as you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Ms. Harris? [she walks in with a little boy attached to IV bag on a pole. The kid hands him the ballot and coughs out an organ] Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung. [Billy starts to walk away, then stops to pick it up] Alright, the absent kid's ballot is for... [reads] Filmore.
Supporters
Yay./Hooray. [Mr. Garrison adds Billy's vote to Filmore's tally]
Sally
Wait one minute!
Mr. Garrison
Oh, Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
Sally
I think the ballot were misleading. Some kids didn't understand whom they were voting for.
Mr. Garrison
There's a box next to Filmore's name and a box next to Ike's! What's not to understand?
Filmore
[pointing at Sally] You're just saying that, 'cause you know you're gonna lose now.
Sally
No, I'm saying that because you are a boogerface!
Filmore
Well, just you wait, 'cause my famous aunt is on huh way right now.
Mr. Garrison
Who's your famous aunt?
Filmore
My aunt Rosie, Rosie O'Donnell.
Mr. Garrison
Your aunt Rosie O'Donnell is coming here?
Filmore
Yeah, she's very active in politics. So she's gonna set all this straight.
Mr. Garrison
[resigned] Oh no..!
Cartman residence, day, Cartman's room. Cartman sets the Trapper Keeper in a tray, then secures it onto a docking bay and plugs a cable into it
Trapper Keeper
Recharging.
Cartman
Sweet. You're so cool, Trapper Keeper. I would never let those assholes take you away.
[singing his own Dawson's Creek theme song] I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper to be over
The ways of my Trap--
Trapper Keeper
Trapper Keeper ready to ensorb. [cables reach out and grab Cartman's computer like a giant hand, and pull it towards the Trapper Keeper]
Cartman
Oh, cool.
Trapper Keeper
Trapper Keeper, merging. [cables reach out and grab a lamp and a Wellington Bear desk clock]
Cartman
[softly] Whoa...
End of act two. Time: 13:59
Cartman residence, day, dining room. "Bill" is seated at the head of the table, with Liane and Kenny to his right, and Stan and Kyle to his left
BSM-471
And so you see, Ms. Cartman, you cannot buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper. Not now! Not ever!
Liane
Right, because it will hybrid with all those other processors and generate a whole new era of technological darkness.
BSM-471
Correct.
Liane
Well, I certainly won't buy him anymore, then... Bill. [starts flirting with him]
BSM-471
Good. Now all that is left to do is destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has now. Where is he?
Liane
In his room. But, why don't I show you the rest of the house first? [pulls "Bill" from the chair]
Stan
Uh-oh.
Kyle
Here we go again.
Liane
Come this way, Billy. [takes him away from the table]
Stan
Well, come on. Let's go upstairs and get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves. [he and Kenny leave the table, with Kyle following]
Cartman's room. Cartman is getting friendly with his Trapper Keeper
Cartman
Kyle is just jealous of you, Trapper Keeper. You kick ass!
I don't wanna let my Trapper Keeper get--
Stan
[knocks on the door] Open up, Cartman! We're taking your Trapper Keeper! [Cartman hops off his chair and dances to the door. He locks it and continues singing]
Cartman
Screw you guys, screw you guys
Screw you guys, scr--
Trapper Keeper
Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb.
Cartman
Huh? [walks towards his computer]
Kyle
[in the hallway, pounds on the door] Dammit, Cartman, open up!
Trapper Keeper
Trapper Keeper, ready for hybrid.
Cartman
Oh, sweet. What's it gonna hybrid with now? [cables come from the monitor and grab him] Ugh--!
Stan
[pounds on the door] Cartman, you might as well open up! We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust the door down after he finishes having sex with your mom. [he and Kyle now notice the groans coming from the room]
Kyle
Cartman? [inside, cables wrap tight around his face and go in, transforming his body into a grotesque hybrid, and the hybrid begins to grow] He's not gonna open it. Break it down.
Stan
You break it down!
Kyle
Okay. Ready? One, two, three, not it!
Stan
Not it! You lose, Kenny. [he and Kyle quickly step out of the way]
Kenny
(Awww..!) [goes to the far wall and then rushes the door, only to be plastered against the far wall...] (Argh--!) [...by the unhinged bedroom door being pushed out by the evolving Trapper Keeper. The boys are frozen in place with mouths open]
Stan
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle
You ba--! [the boys make a run for it down the hall and down the stairs as the Trapper Keeper oozes out of Cartman's room]
Cartman residence, outside. The front door opens and Stan and Kyle rush outside and away
Stan/Kyle
Agggghhh! [the Trapper Keeper bursts through every window in the house and then the house begins to crumble around it. It collapses in on itself. moves away from the house, leaving "Bill" and Liane in bed fully exposed to the elements]
Liane
[on top] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison sits with the class around the table and hears some ominous noise
Mr. Garrison
What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing? Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
Rosie O'Donnell
Hello, kids!
Filmore
Aunt Rosie!
Mr. Garrison
[in a panic] Run for your lives, children! [grabs a bat] I'll try to fight it off!
Filmore
That's my aunt, Rosie O'Donnell.
Mr. Garrison
Oh. Oh, um... Pleasure to meet you, Miss Donnell. You're looking... well.
Rosie O'Donnell
Don't worry, kids. Everything's gonna be fine. What's the problem?
Filmore
Aunt Rosie. We think I won class president.
Ike Supporter
No, Ike won.
Mr. Garrison
Look, it's very simple. We took a vote and the vote tied, so now we gotta come up with a way--
Rosie O'Donnell
Well it obviously isn't that simple, is it? I mean, you'd think a little kindergarten teacher could've handled this, but now we're gonna do it my way!
South Park, outskirts. The Trapper Keeper enters the scene and demolishes the sign
Trapper Keeper
[now with Cartman's voice] We are Trapper Keeper.
BSM-471
[on a bluff with Stan and Kyle looking at the Trapper Keeper leave town] Oh no! It is heading for Cheyenne Mountain!
Kyle
Why is that bad?
BSM-471
It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain that it was able to fuse into all defensive computers!
Stan
Then we have to stop it before it gets there! [leads the others off the bluff and onto a waiting cruiser. "Bill" takes the wheel and Kyle takes the passenger window seat]
Kyle
Step on it, Bill Cosby! ["Bill" starts the cruiser and drives off]
The road to Cheyenne Mountain. All is quiet. Two security guards wait at the entrance reading newspapers. The one wearing glasses looks up
Guard 2
Hey, Mark, look.
Mark
Wow. That is about the nicest Trapper Keeper I've ever seen. [a police siren is heard, and promptly "Bill" arrives with Stan and Kyle. They hop out of the car and face the Trapper Keeper]
Stan
Cartman, you have to stop!
Trapper Keeper
We are Trapper Keeper. We are one.
BSM-471
A part of your friend must still be alive in there. [the three of them study the Trapper Keeper from a distance until Stan finds a ventilation hose coming out of it. Smoke comes out of it, and a fart is heard]
Stan
He is in there.
BSM-471
That must be what Trapper Keeper is using for ventilation. If one of you could get in there, you could reach the CPU.
Stan
One-two-three, not it!
Kyle
Not-- Aw, damnit..! [walks up to the hissing hose and climbs in]
Interior. Kyle makes his way in and scrambles through a field of organs until he reaches the memory core. The valves open up and suck Kyle into the core. Kyle floats through the core, à la 2001: A Space Odyssey'
Cartman
[à la HAL 9000] What are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle
I'm going to try and break you away from the computer, Cartman. I need to remove the CPU.
Cartman
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
Kyle
Screw you, fat ass!
Cartman
Hey, screw you.
Kyle
Cartman! [hits a wall with a wrench]
Cartman
Agh--! [four metallic arms from all directions reach out to trap him, then six more organic ones come in to secure him]
Kyle
No!
South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids run around arguing with each other and carry signs
Rosie O'Donnell
[sits on a chair with Filmore on her lap] Okay, so then what we're going to do is count everybody's vote by hand, and after that, we're gonna go over the votes again manually, and then--
Mr. Garrison
[throws a fit] Oh, stop it, stop it! Stop i-i-it! [the kids and Rosie look at him] Look kids, we're all in this kindergarten class together. We have to respect one another or else we're in for a terrible school year.
Rosie O'Donnell
We're just making sure that the kids that voted for my nephew don't get cheated.
Mr. Garrison
Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew, so what about them? You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side! People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time, but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment! Well, just because you're on TV doesn't mean you know crap about the government! Now get your ass back on first class and respect this class's right to make up their own minds! [Rosie and the kids gasp] ...Oh, sorry I got a little off the subject, kids.
Rosie O'Donnell
How dare you?! I will not be preached at by a country pumpkin! [heads for the door and stands at the entrance] I'm leaving this podunk town, but in my place I'm gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and press than you have ever seen! [exits and slams the door shut]
Mr. Garrison
Oh no, children, I think I've just made this a whole lot worse.
End of act three. Time: 18:58
South Park, a red sunset. A picture of the four main characters of Dawson's Creek is present. Camera zooms out, revealing Trapper Keeper covering Cheyenne Mountain. A slimy appendage reaches out and grabs a phone both next to two ladies
Ladies
Aaghh! [hurry away. The Trapper Keeper absorbs the phone booth, and another of its appendages goes after a police car]
Cops
Wagghh! [hurry away. In the distance "Bill," the two security guards, and Stan watch Trapper Keeper get bigger and bigger. Behind them, the rest of South Park gathers and sees the spectacle]
Mark
Well that does it. I'm gonna have to report this. [whips out a walkie-talkie and starts] Car one to base-- [another appendage reaches down and pulls him up and away] Aghh! [Trapper Keeper swallows him up]
BSM-471
It is infusing with everything. It is already too powerful to stop!
Stan
Kyle's got to succeed. He's just got to.
Interior. Kyle struggles to make his way out of the little situation he's in
Kyle
I can't reach the CPU.
Cheyenne Mountain, outside. A limo speeds up to the scene and encounters the Trapper Keeper, which is beginning to look like the tower in "Bill"'s prophecy. Rosie O'Donnell pops out and walks up to it
Rosie
What are you doin'?! Get out of my way!
Guard 2
Oh, no! Now there's two of those things!
Stan
No, I think that other thing is Rosie O'Donnell. [an indecisive appendage hovers over Rosie]
Guard 2
Huh? Which one? I-It's just like I'm seeing double.
Rosie
[to Trapper Keeper] I said, get out of my way! [another appendage wraps around her and tries to pull her in] Aaaaggghhhh!!! [Trapper Keeper swells and heaves, and the fleshy appendage swallows Rosie up] Ogh. Noo-- [the appendage pulls her up and into Trapper Keeper]
Trapper Keeper
Eeww.
BSM-471
Look! I think that infusing with Rosie O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick.
Trapper Keeper
Oohh... Bad pie... Bad pie... [begins to deflate and wither. Its appendages wither and begin to drop off as it darkens]
Stan
This is your chance, Kyle! Cartman has weakened!
Interior. Cartman releases his hold on Kyle and Kyle drops to the floor. He quickly moves to the wall panel containing the CPU and pulls the CPU out along with some memory chips
Kyle
Got 'em!
Cheyenne Mountain, outside. Trapper Keeper turns into a big mass of goo, and Kyle and Cartman are spat out. Rosie ends up half-eaten. Everybody begins to approach Kyle and Cartman
Stan
He did it!
South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids are seated around the round table, and their lawyers stand behind them arguing. Mr. Garrison sits at the head of the table listening
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, the lawyers for Ike's side have agreed with the lawyers on Filmore's side to hold another meeting regarding Form 22F. Do we all have that form? [the door opens, and in walks...]
Jesse Jackson
Is this the kindergarten classroom?
Mr. Garrison
Jesse Jackson?
Jesse Jackson
That's right! I believe the African-American in your class were misrepresented!
Mr. Garrison
[covering his face] We don't have any African-Americans in our class!
Jesse Jackson
Oh. Bye. [turns and walks out. Filmore raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison
Alright, so apparently what we're gonna do now is hand-count each person's ballot--
Filmore
Mistoreh Garrison, I concede. [Mr. Garrison's jaw drops, as do those of Filmore's lawyers]
Mr. Garrison
You... yuh, you what?
Filmore
I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this game is stupid.
Sally
Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.
Filmore
Ike, you could be class president.
Ike
I pooped my pants!
Sally
[throws up her hands] Can we fingerpaint now?
Kids
[clamoring] Fingerpaint! Fingerpaint!
Mr. Garrison
Ohuh... Yes. [exults] Yes! Let's fingerpaint!
Cheyenne Mountain. Stan and the others reach Cartman and Kyle
Stan
You did it, Kyle! [to Cartman] Kyle saved your life, fat ass!
BSM-471
Look! I'm fading! [begins to fade from view] It must have worked. I don't exist! [disappears]
Stan
Huh, that's a bitch.
Cartman
Oh. Well, I guess everything's fine now. So let's go home.
Stan
Hey! Whoa whoa whoa, Cartman! All you've been doing is making fun of Kyle and now he's saved your life! You at least owe him a thank you!
Cartman
Awww, man...
Stan
Cartman!
Cartman
Alright, alright. [sighs] Kyle...
End of Trapper Keeper


  413: "Trapper Keeper" edit
Story Elements

Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultra Keeper Futura S 2000Bill Cosby (BSM-471)Jesse JacksonRosie O'Donnell • "I Don't Want to Wait"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fourth Season

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