Trapped in the Closet

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"Trapped in the Closet"
Episode no.	Season 9 Episode 12
Production no.	912
Original airdate	November 16, 2005
Episode chronology Previous Next "Ginger Kids" "Free Willzyx"
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"Trapped in the Closet" is the twelfth episode of Season Nine, and the 137th overall episode of South Park. It aired on November 16, 2005.

Synopsis

Scientologists converge on Stan's house after he is identified as the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. One A-lister locks himself in the closet and refuses to come out after Stan criticizes his "talent."

Plot

Spoiler warning! Plot details follow.

Stan decides to skip laser-tag, not to save money for a bike, but because he’s convinced bicycles are actually government surveillance devices. Wandering the streets in paranoid isolation, he encounters a group of Scientologists who are actually undercover mime artists conducting an elaborate social experiment. The “personality test” turns out to be a complex interpretive dance routine where Stan’s movements are analyzed by a panel of auditors wearing tinfoil hats and novelty glasses. The lead auditor, speaking entirely in riddles, diagnoses Stan with a condition called “Preventative Enthusiasm Syndrome” - a made-up disorder that means absolutely nothing but sounds incredibly scientific.

During dinner, Stan attempts to convince his parents to fund his “self-help program” by performing an impromptu puppet show about depression. Randy, completely misunderstanding the situation, believes Stan is auditioning for a local community theater and enthusiastically agrees to fund the “program” by selling Stan’s bike to a mysterious man who collects partially rusted bicycle parts. The auditing session becomes a surreal experience where Stan is asked to interpret Rorschach tests made entirely of expired dairy products. The shocked auditor discovers that Stan’s thetan levels are so unique that they actually form a perfect replica of Wyoming when viewed under a microscope made of recycled soda cans.

The president of Scientology arrives at the Marsh home riding a unicycle and wearing a suit made entirely of bubble wrap. He declares Stan to be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, but with a twist - Stan is actually Hubbard’s consciousness trapped in a time loop created by a malfunctioning microwave from 1973. Tom Cruise materializes in Stan’s bedroom, but instead of asking about his movies, he challenges Stan to a competitive sock-folding contest. When Stan criticizes Cruise’s sock-folding technique, Cruise dramatically retreats into the closet - which turns out to be a portal to an alternate dimension where celebrities resolve conflicts through interpretive dance battles.

The Xenu story is revealed through a puppet show performed by sentient office supplies. The president explains that the entire Scientology narrative was actually a complex marketing scheme for a line of novelty staplers that can predict the weather with 12% accuracy. Stan is tasked with writing a new doctrine, but he interprets this as creating an elaborate connect-the-dots picture that accidentally forms a map to a non-existent treasure. Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman visit, bringing with them a conspiracy theory book and a half-eaten sandwich that may or may not be evidence of something important.

When Stan presents his doctrine, it’s a series of increasingly nonsensical diagrams that look like a toddler’s attempt to explain quantum physics using only macaroni and glitter. The Scientology president reveals the truth - that the entire organization is actually a reality TV show that has been running for decades, and nobody noticed. The town becomes obsessed with extracting Tom Cruise from the closet-portal. John Travolta arrives and immediately gets stuck in a nearby umbrella stand. R. Kelly shows up singing a musical number about spatial anomalies, accidentally shooting confetti instead of a gun. Nicole Kidman attempts to coax Cruise out using a combination of interpretive mime and quantum entanglement theory.

Stan’s final attempt to expose Scientology becomes a bizarre performance art piece. He tries to read his doctrine but instead starts speaking in a language that sounds like a combination of Morse code and whale songs. The Scientologists are simultaneously enraged and deeply impressed. Cruise, Travolta, and R. Kelly emerge from their respective hiding spots - Cruise from the closet, Travolta from the umbrella stand, and R. Kelly from behind a potted plant. They threaten to sue Stan in a court that may or may not exist in the space between England and a particularly confusing IKEA showroom. The credits roll, but instead of “John Smith” or “Jane Smith”, each name is a random combination of kitchen appliances and 1980s pop stars