• Stan
  • Kyle
  • Cartman
  • Butters
  • Clyde
  • Jimmy
  • Liane
  • Sheila
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Principal Victoria
  • Dentist
  • Doctor
  • Dr. Doctor
  • Anchorman
  • Driver in Nigeria
  • Flight Attendant
  • Delta Airlines Clerk
  • M.C.
  • Waitress
  • Jimmy Buffett
  • Magic Johnson
  • Magic's Butler
  • Mitch and AIDS Research Scientists


This script is not yet finished.

[A close-up of a tongue depressor holding a tongue down, and the sound of a boy going "AHHHHHH." The camera pans out to reveal a dentist looking inside Cartman's mouth. Liane stands nearby, watching. They are all in Cartman's room.]
Cartman: AHHHHHH.
Dentist: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.
Cartman: What?
Liane: Uh, what exactly does that entail, doctor?
Dentist: It's a very simple operation. We'll just put you to sleep, Eric, and when you wake up you'll be tonsil-free!
Cartman: No- No way. I'm not going to the hospital, Mom!
Dentist: Oh, I thought you were a tough kid! You're not scared of hospitals, are you?
Cartman: No, I'm not scared... I just- I don't want my tonsils out, that's all!
Dentist: Well I guess you don't want all the ice cream you get after the surgery, either.
Cartman: ...Ice cream?
Dentist: It'd be a shame to have to give all that free ice cream to the big boys who aren't afraid of hospitals.
Liane: What do you say, champ? Think you can tough it out?
Cartman: did say free ice cream?
Dentist and Liane: (Laughs)
[A shot of Hell's Pass Hospital. Camera cuts to a hospital room where Cartman is asleep in a hospital bed. Liane is sitting by his side, holding his hand and smiling]
Liane: Poopsiekins, wake up. Wake up, honey.
Cartman: [Opening his eyes, blinking a lot] Uh. It's over?
Liane: That's right, you did it, Poopsiekins!
Cartman: [Eye's fully open, sitting up] It's over! I didn't feel anything! You were right, Mom!
Liane: I'm so proud of you, Eric.
Cartman: Alright, so where's my ice cream?
[Three doctors enter the room looking very nervous.]
Liane: Oh, here's the doctors now! Hi, doctor.
Cartman: You were right, doctor! [cough] Everything is okay!
Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.
Liane: ...What!?
Cartman: What's that supposed to mean!?
Doctor: During the tonsil surgery we had to supply you with donor blood. A mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke.
Cartman: I HAVE AIDS?
Doctor: Not yet, but we've confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry.
Liane: Oh, my poor little baby!
Cartman: Mom, you said nothing would go wrong!
Liane: Oh God! [Cries] Oh no!
Cartman: No! No, this is a joke, right!? This is a joke; I can't have AIDS!
Doctor: We're going to do everything in our power to make this up to you, Eric. For starters, I think I owe you some ice cream.
(One of the doctors brings over a plate with two sundaes on it, leaving it on Cartman's bed.)
Cartman: (Knocks the ice cream on the ground) Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be FINE!
Liane: [Sobbing] Oh, oh, my baby has HIV!
[(A shot of South Park Elementary as segue music plays. In the teachers lounge, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Ms. Garrison, two other staff members, and all of the boys' parents are gathered.]
Principal Victoria: Thank you for coming, everyone.
[Stan, Kyle, Butters and Kenny walk in.]
Principal Victoria: Boys, please take a seat.
Stan: [The boys sit down.] What's going on? Are we in trouble?
Principal Victoria: Boys, the reason we all called you in is because one of your friends...has a serious illness. Eric Cartman has been diagnosed with HIV.
Stan: [All five boys are surprised.] ...What?
Butters: Oh no.
Doctor 2: He's been to several specialists after a botched blood transfusion. The disease is in very early stages and completely manageable, but he's naturally a bit scared.
Kyle: Cartman has HIV?
Doctor 2: We need everyone to understand you can't get the virus from Eric. You can still give him hugs and even kisses. Don't be afraid of him, just-
Kyle: Excuse me. Eric Cartman has HIV?
Principal Victoria: Alright, we're going to bring Eric in now, and let's all be as supportive as we can and show him lots of love, okay?
Mr. Mackey: [Opens the back door] Eric? Come on in, your friends want to say "Hi", m'kay? [Eric walks into the room with a black baseball cap, a gray scarf, and an annoyed look. Everyone greets him.]
Kyle: ...No. Way.
Butters: '[[Walks over to Cartman, putting an arm around his shoulder] How ya doin', Eric? You know, I think you're a real special little guy, and even though you have AIDS, I ain't gonna act any different towards you. [Smiles and kisses Cartman on the cheek, much to his horror]
Cartman: Goddammit, this sucks ASS!
Kyle: ...Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute. [Leaves the room and begins laughing in the hallway. It can be heard from in the room.]
Butters: Poor Kyle. He's really taking it hard.
Cartman: Is Kyle LAUGHING out there!? This isn't a time for funny jokes, I'm gonna die!
Doctor 2: No, you're not going to die, Eric. AIDS isn't as big a deal as it used to be. There are advances in treatment and-
Cartman: Not a big deal!? Is that how everyone feels!? People need to understand the seriousness of this illness, and the bravery of the people who struggle with it!
[End of Tonsil Trouble.]

  1201: "Tonsil Trouble" edit
Story Elements

Magic JohnsonJimmy BuffettAIDSAirport HiltonCure for AIDS • "AIDSburger in Paradise"


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South Park: The Complete Twelfth Season

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