Christmas Snow "Christmas Snow/Script" "The Pandemic Special/Script" - Rightarrow.png

Cast

Script

The Pandemic Special
The episode begins with a bleak landscape. Everything in town looks abandoned and decayed. In the school playground, one of the swings is falling apart. At the bus stop, a shoe print echoes the one at the moon landing, while a Vons sign is on the ground nearby. Butters sits on the front steps to his house, his head on his hands, wearing an N95 face mask. His father Stephen exits the house wearing a mask, with a trash bag
Butters
Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear today?
Stephen
Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear!
Butters
But they said they were open again, so I-
Stephen
Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we do not go to nonessential businesses when it's nonessential! [looks out into the street. A group of four people walks by. Two of them are not wearing their masks properly] Hey, do you people mind?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help. [the group just moves off, followed by mumbling. More people walk by, eventually becoming a crowd] What the? What's going on now?!
Roger Donovan
Something at the town square. Everyone's gathering!
Stephen
Well are we protesting or are we rioting?
Roger
No no, it's something to do with the pandemic. Something big is going on.
Stephen
Stay here, Butters. [sets the trash bag down and joins the crowd]
The Town Square. The stage is set up, with a sign over it reading "SOUTH PARK BENEFIT FOR COVID-19" Behind him, the background said "WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER"
Randy
Hey everybody. Can everyone hear me okay? Thanks for turning out, everyone. You know, we've all been through a lot these past several months. We've shut down and people have lost their businesses, lost their livelihoods. I also own a small business. I sell weed, and I have to say ... I'm actually doing pretty good. Amazing. [a business growth chart for 2020 pops up, showing how the business has grown since the pandemic began.] Tegridy Farms weed has seen a 400% increase in sales since the shutdown in March. I see Thomas Turner out there [Heidi's dad, shown with her mom]. Thomas opened a restaurant in SoDoSoPa... doesn't seem like such a good idea now, does it, Turner? [a flash of anger appears on their faces] And there's Marley Jarvis, who owned and operated her own tanning salon. Whoops. But I just can't stand here and gloat, because Tegridy Weed is about giving back to people. And that's very proud to announce... that Tegridy Weed is having a Pandemic Special! [a collage of pictures taken over the year appears, with "$ PANDEMIC SPECIAL $" plastered over it] And all-new hybrid of our best weed sold at nearly 10% off our usual price. Not only that, but when you buy three pounds or more of the Pandemic Special you get a complimentary Pandemic 2020 bong [a large blue bong with PANDEMIC 2020 on it.]. We are a community. Let's all be together... with Tegridy. [the Tegridy Farms logo pops up]
Randy and Sharon are driving home
Randy
I think people are really excited. What do you think?
Sharon
A pandemic special, Randy?! Really?!
Randy
What?
Sharon
People are hurting! People are dying, Randy! And all you can think about is making a special about it?
Randy
[assertively] I'm doing positive to try and help. People really need this right now.
Sharon
You are a child, Randy! These are very serious times and nobody wants or cares about your stupid special right now!
Randy
[a bit softly] We'll see if they like my special.
An aerial view of the suburbs. A drown zeroes in on Cartman's house. "SOUTH PARK Pandemic SPECIAL" appears on the screen.
Cartman's room. He's in bed, but wakes up refreshed and jumps up. A rod with a small "6'" flag sits by the bedroom door
Cartman
Wow! [gets up and throws his curtains open]

Another day inside, don't have to do a thing. I love you, social distancing.
No one's around, no one's talking to me. Social distancing, I'm free!
Don't have to brush my teeth or shower. For what?
I can sit on the toilet for hours. As long as I want.
'Cause no one's saying to me "You kids should go outside and do something."

[his phone alarm rings - it's time to log in.] Oh! 9 am. Time for school! [hops off the bed and goes to his computer, then logs into Zoom]

Mrs. Nelson
Good morning, guys. Everyone ready to start school? [Cartman's screen fills up windows of his classmates and teacher]
Clyde
Good morning.
Wendy
Hello.
Kyle
Hi.
Sef Furman
Hello.
Stan
I'm, I'm here.
Mrs. Nelson
Okay, I think we're all here. I see Jimmy and Clyde are on now. Eric, are you there?
Cartman
Yes, teacher, I'm here. I can't wait to start [fakes a computer glitch] schoo... schoo... schoo... oo... oo...
Mrs. Nelson
Oh no, Eric, I think your computer is freezing up again.
Cartman
Oh no? Can you guys hear me? I just said eh... eh... eh... eh...
Mrs. Nelson
Eric, you'll just have to listen again, okay? Best you can. So let's start today, guys, by going over yesterday's grammar examples. [Cartman puts up a tablet with the same facial expression he just made, making sure he can see it is his own Zoom window, and leaves] Wendy, can you read the first one?
Cartman

I'm cut off from the world, isolated, alone. This is what I can existencing. No one can touch me or boss me around. Social distancing-

[grabs the rod and goes downstairs]
Liane
[sees Cartman coming down the stairs] Eric, aren't you supposed to be on your Zoom call?
Cartman
[jabs at her with the rod as he goes to the kitchen]

Stay away from me, Mom, yeah. You've got to keep your social distance. 'Cause all I'm gonna do is sing about how much I love you and need you, social distancing

[pours himself some Cheesy Poofs cereal and milk]
Liane
Sweetie, I know these are challenging times.
Cartman
Yeah Social distancing, Mom.
Liane
But we all still have to try and do our work.
Cartman
[between bites] Computer keeps freezing, Mom. Maybe, if you were an essential worker, we could afford faster Internet.
Liane
I at least need you to get some of your homework done, okay? And then m-maybe take a shower.
Cartman
Oh, what a folly a shower seems when my generation is being denied their lives. I can't see my friends. I can't even go to school. How I miss Kyle. Heh heh heh heh.
Liane
Sweetie, it's all going to be over soon. They're actually talking about school opening up again in a few days! [Cartman stops eating, then turns around to look at Liane]
Cartman
What... the fuck... are you talking about?
Liane
There's going to be a big meeting. Sounds like they're trying to get you, kids, back in school!
Cartman
We can't go back to school: there's a fucking pandemic.
Liane
But they're talking about maybe staggering you kids every other day.
Cartman
They can't do that!
Liane
Eric, you're going to be able to be with all the other kids again!
Cartman
Oh no, I see! There's all this horrible stuff going on in the world, but apparently, Cartman's life doesn't matter! [storms out of the kitchen]
Liane
[gives chase] Eric, you can't-
Cartman
[forces her back in the kitchen with his rood] Ahp! Get back! Get back! Six feet, Mom1 Six fucking feet! [makes sure she doesn't move, then leaves]
Tegridy Farms, day. A sign on the farm's board says "Get Your PANDEMIC SPECIAL!!" Other signs promote safe distancing and safe curbside pick-up. A line of cars waits for its purchases. Randy has an umbrella out, as it's raining.
Randy
[as a driver pulls away] Okay, thank you very much! Hope you enjoy the Pandemic Special! [another driver pulls up] Hi, you here for the special? Here you go.
The farmhouse window, day, kitchen. Sharon is eating lunch when Stan walks up to the table and joins her.
Sharon
How was school, Stanley?
Stan
It's not school! It's a freakin' joke. We're not even learning anything.
Sharon
I know this has all been really hard on you, Stanley. Do you wanna talk about it?
Stan
No, I'm fine, Mom! You know, I'm strong. I'm just worried about how this is all affecting weaker kids like, you know, like Butters.
Sharon
Yeah. Well, it's nice you care about our friend, but if you need to talk... I know this is really hard on everyone.
Randy
[Walks in happily] Well, that's it, guys. We have run out of weed for the day. [takes a seat next to Stan] Oh, hang on. Sorry, uh, didn't somebody say the pandemic special was a bad idea?
Sharon
I wasn't saying you wouldn't make money, I was saying maybe that's not what should matter right now!
Randy
Oh, come on, think about it. Do you even know anyone personally who's dying of COVID?
Sharon
Yes! My brother Jimbo, who is in the hospital!
Stan
Yeah, Uncle Jimbo.
Randy
Jimbo's a fat alcoholic who'd be in the hospital anyway. All I'm saying is that we let some dirty virus from "China" completely upend our lives and shut us down!
Sharon
Please do not quote the President in front of our child!
Randy
Sharon, I went to China, remember? Last season? I went there to sell our weed and ended up hanging out with Disney and Mickey Mouse. You remember all that? I know what China's like. Doesn't surprise me all this shit came from there.
Shelly
[off screen] We're going back to school!
Sharon
What?
Shelly
[peeks in] They're gonna let us go back to school! [runs out]
the living room. The TV is on and Shelly runs in to watch the news. Randy and Sharon join him
Anchor Tom
The Park County School District is holding a parent meeting tomorrow, and officials are hopeful that students can return to school on Monday.
Stan
Wow, that's great!
Sharon
Oh, I don't know if this is a good idea.
Anchor Tom
The openings come on the heels that scientists are getting closer to finding the origins of the COVID pandemic.
Chief Scientist
Y-yes, we've been able to trace the virus and confirm that it did, in fact, come from a seedy part of China.
Randy
HA. Told ya! [turns and walks towards the kitchen.]
Chief Scientist
And, in fact, we've pinpointed the virus to a certain bat in Wuhan.
Randy
[stops in his tracks and looks back] A bat in Wuhan?
Chief Scientist
What we still don't understand is, how did a transmitted disease get from a bat to a human? How can a virus jump species like that? We just don't know.
Randy flashes back to his China trip last year, on which he's traveling with a bunch of other American companies to pitch their products to the Chinese. He remembers the landing and the arrest for the marijuana in his luggage...] Hello. Oh, Oh hey! [...his time in a Chinese prison making goods, his trial at a tribunal...] You could use some, Tegridy, China! [...celebrating the discharge with Mickey Mouse]''
Mickey Mouse
Here's to China! Haha.
Randy
To China!
Mickey
[Some scenes that weren't seen in last year's episode, "Band In China": Randy and Mickey are at a bar downing some drinks]
Randy
Boy, you sure know how to party, Mick!
Mickey
Oh my God1 Look at her! Haha! She's so hot! [Randy gets a good look at the female Mickey's looking at]
Randy
I think that's a bat.
Mickey
Yeah! It's a bat! It's a mouse, with wings!
outside the bar, Randy wanders the narrow streets looking for Mickey.
Randy
Hey, Mick? Where'd you go? [stumbles upon Mickey fucking the bat]
Mickey
Haha, haha. Oh boy!
Randy
Oooh!
Mickey
Haha! Randy, you gotta try it! Go ahead, take a turn!
Randy
[takes his turn and thoroughly enjoys it, then snaps out of the memory]
Stan
If they're letting us go back to school, then soon we can get back to everything! I mean, doesn't this mean things are finally going back to normal? Dad?
Randy
I gotta go! [runs through the kitchen]
Walt Disney Co., Burbank, CA., day. In the corporate office, Mickey is fielding calls
Mickey
Then sell fucking Epcot Center! If we can't get people on the rides, then sell the fuckin' thing! [hangs up that phone and switches to another] Nonono! I said MORE Mandalorian! [hangs up that phone] Jesus Christ! We're fucking dying here! [answers his cell phone] What?! Fucking what?! Haha.
Randy
Hey, it's Randy Marsh From, from Tegridy Farms?
Mickey
What do you want, Marsh?! I'm in the fuckin' weeds here!
Randy
Look, um, do you remember when we fucked that bat in Wuhan?
Mickey
I've fucked a lot of bats!
Randy
Well, I've only fucked one! I remember. Right after, I got really sick, and this was all back in October.
Mickey
Jesus Christ, you fucker! You started all this!
Randy
You told me to fuck the bat!
Mickey
You didn't quarantine yourself after you got home?!
Randy
Nobody knew anything about COVID when I fucked the bat! I thought I just came back from China with the flu! Look, we can't let scientists find that bat. My wife is crazy. If she finds out I started the pandemic, she's gonna be a total bitch about it. [Mickey is stunned]
The neighborhood. Cartman runs through it with his 6-foot pole. A couple walks their toy dog; he jabs the male aside with his pole. A jogger goes towards a park exit; he jabs him aside with his pole. He reaches Kyle's house and knocks on the door. Then he bangs on the door with the pole. Then he throws the pole through Kyle's bedroom window. Kyle opens the front door
Cartman
Dude, you are not gonna believe this.
Kyle
What are you doing here??
Cartman
[barges in] Is your dad home, Kyle? We need to talk to a lawyer! Mr. Broflovski?!
Kyle
Dude, get out of my house! If you wanna talk, we can go outside!
Cartman
They're gonna try and make us go back to school.
Kyle
[covers his mouth and nose under his jacket] Dude, you could be spreading germs! [backs away]
Cartman
Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle! They want us to go back. To school!
Kyle
So?
Cartman
"So?" What the fuck is-? You really wanna go back to that slavery?!
Kyle
I want an education! I want to be able to compete for a job when I get older!
Cartman
You crazy, psychotic... Kyle, we need to get a lawyer to stop schools from forcing us back! Now, whatever your messed-up beliefs are about "wanting to go to school"
Kyle
You really wanna spend the next year on Zoom?
Cartman
You don't have to be on Zoom, there's a million ways around it! Mark my words, Kyle: first they'll force us back to school, then they'll take social distancing away from us completely, and I'll be out of my room having to hang out with you!
Kyle
You're out of your room hanging out with me now!
Cartman
[realizes this] Oh my God. They won't get away with this!
South Park, day. Randy walks down Main Street with his mask on, deep in thought. He hears a woman sobbing. He looks over to see an elderly woman weeping as her husband is carried out on a gurney into an ambulance. He walks by the town cemetery, where he sees a casket lowered into the ground. He then sees something that astonishes him: Red Robin going out of business due to COVID-19. As booth benches are being carried into trucks, Death appears and points to the interior. Randy turns away and cries silently
Man with Orange Shirt
Hey! Excuse me [Randy turns to see him, and he approaches], y-you're Randy Marsh, right?
Randy
Uh... m-maybe.
Man with Orange Shirt
Yeah. Look man, I just wanna say thanks, you know? The Pandemic special is really amazing.
Randy
Oh yeah. Cool. Thank you.
Man with Orange Shirt
Nono, listen. You... you're awesome! All this horrible stuff going on and... well, you come along and try to fight it!
Randy
Okay, thanks.
Man with Orange Shirt
Y-you see, I... I lost my wife... to the virus. My kids, I... I don't even know how to talk to them, you know. Just... just thank God for your Pandemic Special. Thank God. It's a great special, it really is.
Randy
Okay.
Man with Orange Shirt
No, it's an awesome special. And i-and it was a great idea to do a special.
Randy
Okay okay, just stop! [runs away]
Mr. Mackey's home office. He's on a Zoom meeting with the parents
Mr. Mackey
M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?
Sheila
How are you going to do this?
Stephen
Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?
Thomas
Oh, here we fucking go again! Stop mask shaming, Stotch!
Stephen
Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.
Thomas
There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!
Stephen
Spoken like a true redneck!
Carol McCormick
Oh, fuck you! [everyone starts talking over each other. One of them says "That's not fair!"]
Mr. Mackey
Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer to mute everyone else's microphone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! [no one on screen is moving] Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key and the mics are back on]
Mrs. Tweek
I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.
Mrs. Testaburger
The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?! I was at Ross- [accusing resumes]
Mr. Mackey
Okay, BOOM! [silences the mics again] You're all muted! Mmkay?! I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger Donovan raises his hand] Mr. Donovan!
Roger
I don't care what changes you've made, my son Clyde is not going to class!
Mr. Mackey
And that is your prerogative. Mute! [mutes Roger, unmutes Sharon] Mmkay, Mrs. Marsh.
Sharon
I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.
Mr. Mackey
That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, BUT... we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Mmkay, so they'll do just about anything.
Stephen
What new teachers?
South Park, day. The police force is now the new teaching staff. Harrison Yates addresses them outside the police station
Yates
Alright, men! As you all know, due to recent events totally beyond our control, we have lost most of our funding. But this new venture will be great. and I know we will all thrive as elementary schoolteachers. This might be our last chance at a job, so I don't want any unnecessary deaths. [the officers groan "Awww!"] Ahp! Ahp! No unnecessary deaths! And let's show this town just what great leaders we can be. This is gonna be great.
Tegridy Farms, day. Sharon gives Shelly and Stan their lunches
Anchor Tom
All over South Park this morning, children are getting ready for their first day of class. And as they do, scientists say they're closer to finding a vaccine.
Stan
Oh cool! Turn it up!
Bill Keegan
Tom, I'm standing in front of the newly built viral research center where scientists say they have found the animal which started the coronavirus. [some lab scientists are shown working on samples] The creature was located in China and then flown to the facility here, where scientists are studying it thoroughly
Randy
[peaks in upon hearing the report] Heyheyhey, whoa whoa! W-what are you guys doing?!
Stan
They think they're about to find the vaccine.
Chief Scientist
Yes, now that we have the animal in our possession, we'll finally be able to unlock what caused a virus to jump from it to humans.
Randy
[stands in front of the TV] Does it matter what started coronavirus?! Who cares what started coronavirus?! You guys are being racist! We don't need to watch this! Where's the remote? [begins looking all over the sofa] This is... this is racist television and we're not gonna watch it! [checks out the sofa on either side of Sharon]
Sharon
I want to hear this, Randy!
Randy
No! No. You know what? You guys are horrible! Just, just stop it right now!
Bill Keegan
You traced the virus to Wuhan, but what you found was not a bat. Is that correct?
Chief Scientist
Nono, the virus did not come from a bat.
Randy
You guys- [stops mid-sentence] What? What did he say?
Chief Scientist
We were able to break down the virus enough to see there was actually no bat involved.
Randy
No bad involved. No bat involved! [dances around gleefully] Oh yeah1 Oh yeah! It wasn't a bat! It wasn't a bat! It wasn't a bat! In your face! In your face! It wasn't a bat!
Chief Scientist
When we tracked the virus, we found it did originate in Wuhan, but from a species called pholidota.
Bill Keegan
And what exactly is pholidota?
Chief Scientist
It's a pangolin. And here it is, right over here. [Bill Keegan and the Chief Scientist walk over to a cage holding the pangolin]
Stan
What' a pangolin, Mom?
Sharon
I'm not even sure. Do you know what a pangolin is, Randy? [Randy is lost in a memory] Randy?
Stan
Do you know what a pangolin is, Dad?
Randy flashes back to his time in China with Mickey. They're in the back seat of a taxi, tired
Mickey
Haha haha. Dude, I still can't believe you fucked that bat. Haha.
Randy
Okaaay, okaaay, Shhhh.
Mickey
Haha. You really let her have it! Oh boy!
Randy
Okay! I don't wanna think about that right now, Mickey!
Mickey
I'm just impressed, that's all. I mean, if you can handle a bat, then...
Randy
Then what?
Mickey
You ever have sex with a pangolin?
Randy
What the fuck is a pangolin? [Mickey tells the driver in Chinese to stop]
A hotel room in Wuhan. While Mickey is the iPhone making more deals, Randy is fucking a pangolin
Randy
Ha ha, ha whoa! [he's enjoying it rather thoroughly, then he snaps back to the present] Shit! [runs out of the farmhouse]
South Park Elementary. A sign over the entrance reads "Welcome Back Students!" The 4th Grade classroom is shown, with 12 decks instead of the usual 24. The desks are divided into groups of two. Each desk has a protective plastic shield in front and to the right, with a slot at the bottom for school work to be handed through. The officers are wearing clear plastic face shields, the kids are all wearing face masks
Yates.
Alright, children, welcome back to class. I'm your new teacher, Detective Harris, and this is our homeroom teacher's assistant, Officer Johnston. Let's start the day off with some match. Does anyone understand math? Who would like to lead the class with some math? [the sounds of a squealing pig approach the classroom door. The door opens, and Cartman is being carried in by two officers. He's mumbling gibberish, but then gets out a few sentences.]
Cartman
Pandemic! There's a pandemic! You can't make me go to school! [the officers tie him to his chair] You can't! Argh! Araraaagh! Nonono! Nonono! You can't make me! You hear me?!
Yates
I don't know if I can do this, Mitch. I fuckin' hate kids. I can't be a teacher.
Mitch
It's all we got, sir [steps forward and assumes an assertive stance] Let me try. Kids! Alright, come on! Let's settle down! Now we're gonna do some fingerpaints. You got that? You're gonna fingerpaint... [reads from a small notebook] a marsupial of your choice or a fun thing you did over the summer.
Cartman
You can't make us stay here! This is a violation of our freedom! Who's with me, guys?!
Mitch
Now, listen! We're gonna start fingerpaintin' right now!
Cartman
Oh my God, I forgot how much it sucks to be around everybody! I think I'm gonna be sick, all over Kyle! [pretends to vomit and cough over Kyle]
Kyle
Fuck you! [Kyle jumps out of his seat and beats him up. The other kids start cheering]
Mitch
That's enough! [Harris beings out his service revolver and aims. Mitch does as well, and they fire away. A shot goes through Token's front shield. A few more follow, and he takes a shot in the arm]
Token
Ow! [his left hand is over the wound. He falls out of his seat and onto the floor. Gunfire and cheering stop]
Yates
Got 'im!
South Park Viral Research Center, day. The pangolin is in its cage. A scientist shines a sensor onto it for a second
Chief Scientist
[leads a new research team in and walks to the cage] Aaand here it is. This is the pangolin we tracked down in China, the animal that could lead us to a vaccine. The mysteries of COVID can be unlocked by our studies of this creature. I'll just ask you all to keep a good distance away. Obviously, we can't let anything happen to this pangolin. [Randy sneaks up behind the scientists] You see, this pangolin's DNA has mutated, which is what we believe started it all.
Scientist 1
The pangolin has mutated, how?
Chief Scientist
We're not completely sure, but we believe now that something somehow... got its DNA up into the pangolin.
Scientist 2
How exactly could that happen?
Chief Scientist
Well i-it's almost like another creature somehow inserted its DNA up into the pangolin.
Scientist 3
Perhaps some other species somehow mated with the pangolin?
Scientist 2
Oh, come on! What kind of animal would have sex with a pangolin?
Scientist 1
Yeah! Look how ugly that thing is!
Scientists
[chuckle at the possibility] Yeah, yeah.
Randy
Okay, Okay.
Chief Scientist
Again, what really matters is that ew decode the foreign DNA inside the pangolin. That would be the key to the vaccine, perhaps even a cure. We have to know what raped the pangolin.
Randy
Oh, so now it was "rape."
Chief Scientist
Excuse me, sir. Who are you? [Randy stays silent] This tour is for scientists that specialize in pandemics. Are you... a pandemic specialist?
Randy
Yeah I'm a pandemic specialist. I'm making one right now.
Chief Scientist
Uh-kay. Anyway, if you all follow me now to the micro labs, I can show you the containment system for once a vaccine is able to be tried. [Randy pretends to walk with them but pulls back to the cage. He takes the pangolin out and struggles with it for a few seconds, then stuffs it down his pants and sneaks away.]
South Park Elementary, day. A crowd of parents has gathered in front of the school. Mr. Mackey and the police officers look back at them. Mr. Mackey pulls out his bullhorn and turns it on, causing a reverb
Mr. Mackey
M'kay. mmkay, parents? Can everyone hear me okay? [the crowd is shown from his point of view - they all have masks, but have lowered them to speak] Everyone listens up. We don't want anyone to panic, okay, but there has been a COVID exposure here at the school. [parents gasp] Okay, one of our fourth graders was taken to the hospital a couple of hours ago, okay? But we think Token's gonna be okay. Now, due to county protocol, everyone that was in the school now has to quarantine for two weeks. So we will be keeping your kids here, and the teachers will be staying with them. [parents shout back.]
The school gym, day. All the school kids are here, not just the fourth graders. They are talking amongst themselves
Yates
Alright, students. shut up. [conversations fade off] I know this situation is not ideal, but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.
Cartman
This is bullshit!
Yates
You don't want to infect your families, do you? You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. Yes?
Stan
Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.
Yates
Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefore, the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.
Officer 1
It was COVID-related.
Stan
That doesn't make any sense!
Tegridy Farms, day. Randy watches the news in the living room
Anchor Tom
And scientists are asking all South Park County residents to keep an eye out for the creature. Once again, the pangolin escaped from the facility yesterday, and many people are fearing the worst. Scientists say that even though they have samples from the pangolin, they now don't have what they need for a vaccine.
Chief Scientist
Yes. You see, what we needed was the foreign DNA that was up inside the pangolin. It's whatever that DNA was that was our key to the cure. [someone outside sees Randy and whistles to him. Randy looks over and cowers a bit]
Delivery Express Man
Hello! Anyone home?? [Randy gets up and goes outside to see who it is. It's a delivery man with a package for him] Got a delivery here. Needs a signature.
Randy
[relieved] Oh, okay.
Delivery Express Man
Oh, he-hey, if you're gonna come any closer, would you mind wearing a, you know, chin diaper?
Randy
Oh, sorry. [reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a face mask and puts it on... as a chin diaper. They approach each other.]
Delivery Express Man
Here you go. Just sign right there. [Randy signs a small tablet and hands it to the delivery man, who hands him the package] Have a nice day. [they part ways, but the delivery man turns around] Oh, and hey, I'm loving the pandemic special.
Randy
Yeah thanks. [he goes inside and opens the package, but drops it once he says what's inside: a bloody heart with "YOU'RE DEAD" written in blood on one of the flaps. Randy is afraid, yet puzzled]
The barn. Randy calls up Mickey
Randy
Why did you send that to me?
Mickey
Haha. Because you're a dead man, Marsh. It's your DNA that they need for a vaccine! Haha!
Randy
Yeah, I know, but I can't just turn myself in!
Mickey
This isn't personal, Marsh. It's business. I'm having you killed, then secretly we'll send your DNA to the scientists for the vaccine. Haha.
Randy
This is all your fault, Mickey Mouse! You made the deal with the devil when you sold your Mulan shit to China! And then you took me out and sold me on how great China was, and how we should all suck their dick! You made me lose my tegridy and anything special that I had-! [stops] Special. Wait a minute. That's it
Mickey
What's it? Haha.
Randy
The Special. The Pandemic Special! That's how we can get my DNA into people! We can vaccinate them without them even knowing!
Mickey
What are you talkin' about?
Randy
Just give me a couple of more days before you have me killed. I-I think I know a way out of this.
Hell's Pass Hospital, night. The hospital has set up a COVID-19 ward. where the sickest patients are housed. In the still of the night, one hears only monitors and ventilators. Jimbo is in one room with a picture of himself and Stan, and a sign above his bed wishing him well. Someone pounds on something nearby. Jimbo opens his eyes and notices the window... and the spooky figure outside of it. The figure opens the window and jumps in - it's Randy
Jimbo
Randy?
Randy
Shhh. Hey Jimbo.
Jimbo
Wha-what are you-?
Randy
It's okay, Jimbo. I think I have a cure for COVID. [he brings out a jar of Tegridy Weed and opens the lid, then pats Jimbo on the shoulder] You're just gonna have to trust me, okay? [walks off and masturbates into the jar, then rolls a joint, walks over, and motions for Jimbo to keep quiet]
Jimbo
Uh, uh...
Randy
Shhhh, this is gonna be great.
Jimbo
No, uh... [Randy lifts up the oxygen mask and puts the joint in Jimbo's mouth]
Randy
It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe. Breeeathe. [Jimbo coughs] It's okay, Breeeathe.
South Park Elementary, day. "QUARANTINE AREA. DO NOT ENTER WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION." In another 4th Grade classroom, the students are working on an assignment in silence as the assistant monitors them with a baton in hand. During recess, another officer monitors Wendy as she swings silently. At the computer lab, a sign next to the door says "PARENT ZOOM VISITATION 5 MINUTES MAXIMUM." An officer stands guard outside. A few kids are inside talking to their parents on Zoom
Mr. McArthur
[to his Red] We miss you, honey. We can't wait for quarantine to be over! Huh.
in the school gym, kids are inside playing with various sports balls. Stan dribbles a basketball until a whistle blows, then stops. In the cafeteria, several kids eat lunch socially distant from each other. A buzzer blares
Officer 2
Group 4, your meal is over! Back to your class! [motions the kids to head for the entrance. The kids take their trays, dispose of the meals, and exit]
Officer 3
Alright. Group 5, it's now mealtime. Come in, but keep your social distance. [the next group comes in, including Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman.] Yeah, that's good social distancing. Real good.
Butters
[muttering to himself] March 16th. It was March 16th! That's how long it's been! It was supposed to be a party! A big, happy gathering at Build-A-Bear to celebrate me being a big boy at the dentist! Then they shut it all down. They said I'd have to wait until April. And then it was May. And then they said, "Wait until summer." It's fucking October now! [swats his lunch away, then hops onto the table to rant. Four officers behind him by the wall react] Why doesn't anyone tell me the truth?! [grabs a girl's lunch then throws that away] That I'm never going to Build-A-Bear! [one of the officers taps his baton against his anti-riot shield, and two officers to his left move forward] That I'm never going ever again!
Stan
[notices the officers moving towards Butters] Butters, Butters, you gotta calm down.
Butters
I'm never going to Build-A-Bear, am I?! [the officers flank him] Oh, hey teachers. Sorry. [they carry I'm out of the cafeteria] W-wait, I'm sorry. I don't need to go to Build-A-Bear! Fellas?! [the other kids are stunned]
Tegridy Farms day. A customer honks his car horn. Randy is asleep in his underwear. Sharon walks up to him
Sharon
Randy? Where are the car keys? Randy!
Randy
Huh? Uh, what? What?
Sharon
Where are the car keys?
Randy
They're probably in my pants pocket. Why?
Sharon
I have to get over to the hospital.
Randy
The hospital? For what?
Sharon
It's Jimbo. Doctor said he's better, so I can take him home.
Randy
Jimbo's better?
Sharon
They said he doesn't have any symptoms, and his tests are showing negative.
Randy
Holy shit. [realizing that his DNA might have just saved Jimbo's life.]
The barn. Randy walks up to a jar of Tegridy Weed.
Randy
It works. It can help. [opens the jar and masturbates into it. Then he faces shelves and shelves of jars and realizes he has to masturbate into all of them.] Hoh boy. [he unzips his pants and drops them]
South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks down the hall, Stan catches up to him
Stan
Kyle, I need to talk to you.
Kyle
Hey dude.
Stan
I'm really worried. About Butters. I think he's sick.
Kyle
You think he got the virus?
Stan
No! It's all the other stuff. The isolation and the uncertainty. [put his hands in his jacket pockets and wanders off] I'm just really worried what all the stuff around COVID is doing to some kids. You know, not every kid is like us. There's some kids who really can't take it anymore.
Kyle
I know. This bullshit sucks. But Butters will be okay.
Stan
[getting emotional] And what if he's not? What if Butters is actually starting to lose his mind? What if he feels his body shutting down right now?
Kyle
You really think it's that bad?
Stan
It's time for us to ask for help. From someone who has more authority at this school than these cops.
The White House, day. In the Oval Office, Pres. Garrison looks out the window, his back to the entrance
Male Aide 1
Mr. President, the CDC is on the line. They need to speak with you urgently!
Garrison
Tell them to suck my asshole.
Female Aide
Mr. President, Dr. Fauci is on line 2 and the FDA chief is on line 3.
Garrison
Ooo! Tell Dr. Fauci to shove it up his ass, and let the FDA chief know he can eat shit off my balls.
Male Aide 2
Sir! Sir, you have an urgent call on line 4 from a Mr. Slave?
Garrison
[turns around in his chair and wonders] Mr. Slave? Okay, go, gogogo! [the aides leave and Garrison clears his throat. He picks up the phone] Yes, this is the President of the entire United States.
Stan
Uh, hi, it's Stan Marsh.
Garrison
Stan Marsh? Where's Mr. Slave?
Stan
I'm sorry. We had to get your attention. Listen, we're being kept at the school, and one of the students here is really sick.
Garrison
Oh, for Pete's sake, here we go again. [rolls his eyes and closes them] Just deal with it. I am busy.
Stan
Nono, Mr. President, please! You gotta come back to South Park. Our teachers are shooting people. Everyone's arguing and, and there's a facility outside of town that found the pangolin and are working on a vaccine! You might be able to stop the pandemic.
Garrison
Why would I do that?
Stan
...Huh?
Garrison
Stan, this is gonna be very difficult for a child to understand, but I made a promise to the American people- to get rid of all the Mexicans.
Stan
But the pandemic isn't just killing Mexicans.
Garrison
It's killing a lot of them. I've gone over the statistics, Stan. [walks over to a chart showing U.S. COVID fatalities by race. Mexicans are by far the most affected ethnicity, and whites the least affected.] All I have to do now is sort of guide the avalanche in the right direction, and I'm fulfilling my promises to the American People. I was doing a crap job until this pandemic happened.
Stan
You're just gonna sit there and not do anything?!
Garrison
I am going to actively not do anything. And you can eat shit off my balls and die. [hangs up]
Stan
God dammit!
Tegridy Farms, day. A line of cars waits at the entrance, with horns honking. A small booth is by the mailbox. Randy is using a cane to support himself. All that masturbation has weakened him
Randy
Ogh. Ogh-o. [limps to the next customer] Okay, there you go. That's all I can sell you right now. Just make sure you smoke it, okay? Enjoy the special. [the customer drives off. He limps back to the small booth] Han-hang on, guys. I gotta prep some more. Just give me like four minutes. [enters the booth and masturbates into the next jar.]
Sharon
[comes out of the house] Randy?!
Randy
Ogh.
Sharon
Randy?!
Randy
Just... [irked] what?!
Sharon
Randy, you've gotta get in here!
Randy
I'm doing something important, Sharon! People need this right now!
Sharon
Come upstairs. Something's wrong with Jimbo! [Randy slowly limps upstairs.] He's just been sleeping for days. [puts her mask on and goes to Jimbo's room] They said he was getting better. [Randy limps forward, holding his crotch] Last night his fever came back. And then a few hours ago, this thing appeared on his face.
Sharon
What thing? [Sharon slowly lowers Jimbo's mask, and ... it's Randy's mustache. Randy's jaw drops] Jimbo's never been able to grow a mustache.
Randy
Huh. That's weird.
Sharon
Should I call the doctor?
Randy
No! Nonono! Don't call the doctor! They're busy. These are u-un- precedented times. W-we have no idea what caused this.
Jimbo
[slowly] Special...
Sharon
What, Jimbo?
Jimbo
Pandemic... uh special...
Sharon
[looks at Randy] Why's he talking about your special?
Randy
[rapidly] Everyone's talking about the special, Sharon. It's a big deal. He obviously needs it right now.
Sharon
I'm gonna get the thermometer. [walks away. Randy quickly goes to Jimbo's side]
Randy
[whispering angrily] Just fucking shut up! You have no idea if it's because of the special. You could just be sick again 'cause you're a fat, fuckin' alcoholic, and I am not going to jail for you! [smacks him and walks away, holding his crotch and grimacing]
Hell's Pass Hospital, day. A doctor is checking out the mustache on Gerald's face, which is different from the one he usually has.
Dr. Doctor
And you say you've never had a mustache before?
Gerald
No! Never! It just came outta nowhere!
Sheila
How can this happen, Doctor?
Dr. Doctor
Have you put anything toxic in your body lately? Any drugs or alcohol?
Gerald
No! I mean... I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special...
Dr. Doctor
Oh, nonono. That-that's totally fine.
Nurse
Doctor? You better come to the emergency room! [they both go to the ER, which is filled with patients, including women, who have the pandemic mustache.]
Dr. Doctor
Holy shit!
Breaking news. COVID-19 UPDATE?
Anchor Tom
Another strain of COVID, or simply more COVID-related symptoms? A reported 1 in 10 people in Park County are experiencing mustaches, and nobody seems to know why. The Mayor has called for help from infectious disease experts, and Dr. Anthony Fauci arrived at South park Hospital today to give his advice.
Hell's Pass Hospital entrance. Dr. Fauci addresses the crowd
Dr. Fauci
We aren't sure why some people are getting a mustache and some aren't, but we have to do all we can to avoid it becoming fashionable.
Man 1
Will our chin diapers keep us safe?
Dr. Fauci
Yes, but we must wear them where the mustache would be. We need to wear them over our mouth and nose.
Stephen
Are you out of your mind? You expect people to wear a diaper over their nose? That's disgusting! Fuck you, Fauci!
Back to the news report
Anchor Tom
Citizens are asked to stay indoors and just try and relax, and maybe enjoy some of the Pandemic Special.
Randy
Nooo! Shit! [Sharon has her hands over her mouth]
South Park, night. The school gym is shown from above. Twenty-nine students are sleeping there, each in his own circle. Stan is wide awake, looking at the ceiling. An officer sits in the coach's office looking at a jar of Tegridy Weed
Officer 4
Nice. [Stan sits up. He looks to his left and sees Death staring back at him through a window, then crawls up to Butters and shakes him awake]
Stan
Butters. Butters!
Butters
Wha?
Stan
Don't worry. I'm going to save you!
Butters
Okay. Save me from what? [nods off, and Stan walks to the middle of the gym]
Stan
Guys, guys! [claps. The kids begin to stir]
Students
What? Who is it?
Stan
Shhh. You guys, we have to get Butters out of here.
Kyle
Who else can we call, Stan?
Stan
No! We have to get him out of here! Now! We need to take him... to Build-A-Bear.
Craig
Are you nuts??
Stan
He has to go out and do something normal!
Jimmy
Stan, Build-A-Bear is currently by appointment only, and only a maximum party of four can visit at one time.
Stan
We can't wait around and wait for people to figure things out, okay?! It's not gonna happen! They just keep taking everything from him and saying it's for his own good! But who's to say he can't go out and have a little goddamn fun?! If we want things to go back to normal, then we just gotta go do it!
Cartman
[stands up] Stan's right. If we want things to go back to normal, we have to do it ourselves.
Stan
They're just gonna be making more restrictions, and more rules, and who's gonna fight to go back to the way things were?
Cartman
I sure as hell will!
Stan
We can make things normal for Butters again, and make school the way it was!
Cartman
The way it was! Online, in our own rooms!
Stan
Wait, what? No, in a class, with real teachers!
Cartman
Wait, what? What normal are you talking about?
Stan
I'm talking about normal, like back in March. What normal are you talking about?
Cartman
I'm talking about normal, like three days ago, when everything was awesome.
Stan
Look it doesn't matter. We just gotta break the fuck out of here.
The hallways. Sef Furman runs down the hall; the police do not notice. Craig and Tweek follow the boy, then the Boy with Brown Hair and Red Shirt follows them. The rest of the class follows, including Timmy whose wheelchair moves loudly. At the front of the school, Jimmy heads towards the bolted doors with bolt cutters
Timmy
TIMMAH! [cuts the bolt, and the chain drops to the floor. The kids rush out the door and pour out of the school triumphantly]
News Break. COVID-19 UPDATE
Anchor Tom
The new outbreak in South Park is spreading rapidly, and as highways into town close and governments consider a full lockdown, one question is on everyone's mind: where is the damn pangolin?! Some speculate the pangolin took its own life, while others think that- [something is being whispered in his ear] Sorry. Sorry, we're getting some breaking news. Oh, God. Students at South Park Elementary have broken quarantine and are now out on the loose!
Bill Keegan
[outside the school, during the day] The fugitives broke out sometime last night. Teachers are reporting there's no cause for alarm, except that these kids have all been exposed to COVID [his voice gets more urgent] and could be running around spreading mustaches right now!
Woman
[hears this and screams] Aaaaaaaaow! [This sets off a mass panic]
Man 2
Super-spreaders! [drivers get into near-collisions, shoppers stock up on toilet paper and other goods, ]
Stocker
[notices a woman carrying two cans] One can of shaving cream per family! [Park County Shoes is broken into and looted]
Stephen
[he and Linda have their masks on as chin diapers] Butters?! Butters, you get back to quarantine or you are gonna be grounded!
Thomas
Hey, Stotch! [Stephen looks over and sees that Thomas has his mask on properly] You heard what the scientist said! Get your diaper up over your mustache area!
Stephen
I'm not wearing a damn diaper over my nose!
Mrs. Testaburger
Don't you care about people?
Stephen
Yeah, we care way more about what's right than you do, bitch! [walks up and punches her once, and she goes down. Thomas punches him in return] Oh! [a brawl breaks out in the street]
The Mayor's Office. She looks out over the rioting while she's on the phone
Mayor McDaniels
For Christ's sake, the entire town is in chaos! How the hell did you let those kids out of quarantine?!
Yates
[at the school, with all his officers at attention] Don't blame this on us teachers! You opened the school and gave us barely enough resources to do our job!
Mayor McDaniels
Everyone is terrified of catching something from these super-spreaders!
Yates
Well, I don't know what you're gonna do, Mayor. You took all our funding away. You said our equipment was too extreme. Now, if we had some of that stuff back...
Officer 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yates
Tsst-tst-tst-ch-ch-ch!
Mayor McDaniels
We certainly don't want you, teachers, to be without every resource available. I'll write an executive order to get you everything you need.
Yates
[hangs up] Boys? We are back in business!
Officers
[cheering] YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!...
The police roll-out with patrol cars and Peacemaker tanks. Motorcycle and equestrian units with semiautomatics join them. An officer arms a bazooka. K9 units join in. It's a massive show of force.
Yates
Possible COVID exposure at 4 o'clock! [the Boy with Brown Hair and Red Shirt is building a snowman. Yates gets on the bullhorn] You there. [the boy looks up] You are violating a mandated safer-inside order! Put down the snowball and get back to quarantine! [the boy drops the snowball] We've got a runner! [the police fire all their weapons and decimate the boy. Kenny and Annie Knitts run down the street and Kenny is shot to death. Two officers walk by Univers Coffee, then Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Butters come out of hiding]
Stan
Okay, all clear! Come on! Go go go! [Butters is lying down in a small wagon, the other three wheel him down the sidewalk] All right, you ready to have some fun, Butters?
Butters
I sure am, fellas!
Kyle
Okay!
Stan
Shit shit, get back, back, back, back, back! [they hide in Parking Lot A. Death rides by and they come back out] Okay, all good. Come on. [They reach a plaza]
Kyle
Dude, we made it.
Stan
Butters, Butters. [wakes Butters up] Look! [Butters looks up and sees Build-A-Bear Workshop]
Butters
Whoa! Is it really for reals?
Stan
Yeah, it's real. Come on! We got an appointment! [helps Butters out of the wagon. They reach the entrance, only to see James the shopkeeper closing the shop.] Oh, uh hey, excuse me. We had an appointment.
James
Oh no, s-sorry. We're closed.
Stan
But I called. Y-you said you were open today for appointments.
James
Yeah, we had to shut down again. Somebody came into the store with a mustache.
Kyle
A mustache?
Stan
Ple-hease, my friend has to build a bear.
James
[walks away] I'm sorry! These are unprecedented times!
Stan
Ohoh, just give us one minute!
Butters
Oh! Good job, Stan! Thanks for getting my hopes up, you asshole!
Kyle
[walks up to Stan with Cartman] Come on, dude. We'd better get outta here before we're spotted.
Stan
We can't go.
Kyle
What do you mean?
Stan
We don't have a choice. We're gonna have to break in.
Kyle
And then do what?
Stan
And then build him a bear.
Cartman
Without any employees? What, do you expect us to just, just... build our own bear?
Stan
If we have to, yes!
Kyle
Dude, you need people to help you do the stuffing and the closing. You don't- you don't actually build your own bear.
Stan
I don't care! I'm not following the rules anymore!
Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is piling his unsold Tegridy Weed onto the company truck. After the second load, Sharon stops him.
Sharon
What the hell are you doing?!
Randy
I just... gotta tale all the Pandemic Special over to Thompson Lake and dump it.
Sharon
Dump it? Why are you worrying about this right now?!
Randy
Because the Pandemic Special needs to end! A special has to end, Sharon, or else it's not really a "special," is it?! [runs for some more weed]
Sharon
Goddammit, Randy, our son is out in this chaos! [heads towards the driver's seat] This is not the time for you to be dealing with your fucking marijuana! [hops into the seat and closes the door] Somebody's gotta find him! [starts the engine]
Randy
Nono, okay, okay, okay, hold on! I'm coming! [gets into the passenger seat] Maybe we can just drop the special by the lake on the way.
Sharon
Fuck you!
Build-A-Bear Workshop, day. The boys have broken in
Stan
Here we are, Butters! Look! You made it!
Butters
Oh boy, is this a dream?
Stan
No, it's not a dream! We are really here, and we are going to build you a bear! Which one you want? You want the panda? You want the Bronco koala?
Butters
The Caballero Grizzly.
Stan
Caballero Grizzly. [gets the materials needed] Okay, we just find the sh-shell and the uh, the outfit.
Cartman
Stan, you really need employee assistance with this.
Stan
It's gonna fucking work! Just fucking shut up! [take the shell to a stuffer] Okay! Okay, Butters. Look! [starts the machine] We're gonna put the stuffing in!
Butters
Wow!
Stan
Okay, uh, um... [starts pressing buttons. All of a sudden, the shell is pumped full of cotton and explodes]
Butters
Aaaah! God! Daaagh!
Stan
It's okay! We can start over! We can start over! There'a do-over machine right over there! Look! [walks over to a shredder and drops the mangled bear in. The shredder has a window through which the bear is seen being destroyed.]
South Park. The rioting continues. Sharon drives through it
Sharon
Stanley! Staaaaan! What if he's dead, Randy?!
Randy
He's not dead, Sharon.
Sharon
Then why hasn't he even called?! [two people jump onto the truck, both with mustaches]
Man 3
Hey, can we have some of that Pandemic Special?
Randy
No! [the men slip off the truck] Nobody needs the special right now! It's not helping! [looks out the passenger-side window] Oh my God. Oh God no.
Sharon
What?? [they see Applebee's closed, and two men carrying a table into a moving truck.]
Randy
[sheds a tear] They got Applebee's too. [turns to Sharon] Drive me back to the farm, Sharon. I need to get something.
Build-A-Bear Workshop, day. Stan is trying to build another bear, but the cotton isn't going in
Stan
God dammit! [looks out the window and sees Death there. Stan tries one more time to fill the shell, but the gust of air knocks him to the ground. Stan gets right back up to try again]
Kyle
Dude, just let it go.
Stan
No, Kyle, we can't let Butters down!
Kyle
[walks up to Stan] Stan, are you sure this is about Butters? 'Cause you seem really desperate to build a bear.
Yates
[on his bullhorn outside] Attention protesting looters. [the boys look over and walk up to the entrance] Protesting slash looting is a violation of the Mayor's health order! You have five minutes to come out or we will have to take action
Butters
We gotta surrender, fellas. I'm honestly not having that much fun anyway.
Stan
No! I'm not giving up!
Yates
All right, that was about five minutes. [on the bullhorn to the officers] Okay, boys! Light 'em up! [an officer aims a cannon at Kyle, who has his back to the window]
Randy
[steps into the cannon's scope] Wait! Everyone just stop!
Yates
Who the hell is that?
Randy
I have something that might change all of this! [reaches into a bag and pulls out the pangolin. The crowd gasps]
Stephen
It's the pangolin.
Thomas
Look!
Other townsfolk
The pangolin! He's found it! The pangolin! Whoa!
Randy
This... is what you've all be looking for, right? Well here! Go ahead and do all the tests you want on it. You'll find out... everything you need to know. [the crowd murmurs]
Cartman
Oh no! You're not ending this pandemic! [grabs the pangolin and runs back inside the store]
Kyle
Hey!
Stan
Cartman, no! [follows Cartman inside with Kyle. Cartman prepares to drop the pangolin into the store's shredder] Don't do it, Cartman! That thing is our only chance!
Cartman
Your only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!
Stan
You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore, and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for whom to blame. Saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better because the truth is... I just wanna have fun again. [Cartman looks at him] I wanted to see that I could go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't. I'm not any better, and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back! I just want my life back... [begins to weep silently. Cartman's look softens. He looks at the shredder, at the boys, then steps down from the shredder, carries the pangolin out of the store, and gives it to the Chief Scientist]
Kyle
[awed by this act of mercy] I don't believe it.
Stephen
So, so what happens now?
Chief Scientist
Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [a plume of flame attacks the pangolin and the Chief Scientist. Behind this act is President Garrison with a flamethrower. Garrison doesn't let up until the Chief Scientist no longer screams.]
Garrison
Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up. [turns around and walks away]
Tegridy Farms, evening. A banner covers the sign: "CLOSED DUE TO FIRES"
Radio reporter
And since the students broke quarantine, all South Park residents are now exposed and under complete lockdown for the unforeseeable future. [a wall of flames looms in the distance. Death appears in the field, then gets on his bike and rides away. Randy looks at his phone. The lock screen has a picture of his family in it.]
Randy
How do I even begin to apologize? You guys were right. I think all the marijuana really did go to my head. You said it: a drug is a drug, and... I'm not who I used to be. It's time for me to own up to everything. It's time everyone knew what started this pandemic. [walks into the house and upstairs, and enters his bedroom. He finds Sharon asleep and walks to the bed] Hey, Sharon, I need to talk to you. [sits down] I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon. I can't deal with hard times the way that you can. [Sharon sits up, and her new mustache is quite visible]
Sharon
If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen, Randy. [Randy looks at her and has no words] What?
Randy
...You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special.
Sharon
No. I don't smoke marijuana, Randy.
Randy
Uh huh. [gets up and walks off]
Sharon
Well, what did you want to talk to me about?
Randy
I just... think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials. You got some shit on your face. [leaves the room. Sharon reaches for her upper lip]
End of The Pandemic Special
  2401: "The Pandemic Special" edit
Story Elements

Eric CartmanStan MarshRandy MarshHarrison YatesSouth Park ElementaryTegridy Farms

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Release

South Park: The Complete Twenty-Fourth Season

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