The New Kid in Town/Script

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"The New Kid in Town/Script"

"Call the Banners/Script"

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Script[]

The New Kid in Town

	Opening title: "Robert T. Pooner Presents A Pooner Pictures Production"
Cartman	[narrating] Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard.
Cartman	[narrating] For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King was undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic - the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land.
	A unknown figure stands against a backdrop of fire.
Cartman	[narrating] In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid - before the Drow Elves can manipulate his mind and USE him, to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whomever controls the Stick, controls the universe.
	The game title "South Park: The Stick of Truth" appears.
	South Park, day. A house had just been sold, and movers are carrying boxes into the house. The New Kid's parents lay down and start opening the boxes.
Dad	Well I think that's everything.
Mom	We did it, hon, we're really moved in! [embraces her husband]
Dad	It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!
Mom	Do you really think it will be better... for him?
Dad	They won't look for him here. We just need to make sure he doesn't attract any attention. Come on, let's see how he's doing.
	Both parents walk up to the New Kid's door, with Mom knocking on the door
Mom	Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?
	No response. The couple looked at each other for a while, before opening the door.
Dad	Hey champ. How do you like your new room?
	The New Kid looks around
Dad	I know it's a big change for all of us, but... do you remember why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?
	Silence from the New Kid. The couple whispers to each other
Dad	He doesn't remember.
Mom	He doesn't remember at all.
Dad	That's good, that's good, he doesn't remember.
Mom	Uhh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?
Dad	Right, get outside and play, son. Like, like normal kids.
Mom	We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just, be back before it gets dark.
	Still nothing from the New Kid. Dad makes sarcastic remarks
Dad	Yeah, we love you too.
	Both parents leaves the room. End of cutscene. "The New Kid in Town" quest officially starts.
	If the New Kid stays in the house for too long
Dad	It wasn't a request, it was a command. Now get out there and make some friends!
	The New Kid leaves the house. Nearby, Paladin Butters is fighting against a Drow Elf.
Butters	You shall die by my warhammer, Drow Elf!
Drow Elf 1	Nuh uh.
Butters	I banish thee to the forest realm!
Drow Elf 1	No way! I banished you first! [has the advantage over Butters] Ah ha! You can't hold out much longer!
Butters	Help! Somebody! I can't hold out much longer!
	If the New Kid stalls for a while, the elf will continue to attack Butters while the latter lies back helpless
Butters	Ow... ow! Ouch!
Butters	Sorry.
Butters	Yeah, I deserved that...
Butters	Sorry for hurting your sword.
Drow Elf	Take that human! Feel my wrath!
	Start of cutscene when the New Kid hits the Drow Elf
Drow Elf	Hey, no fair, that's cheating! I'm gonna tell my mom!
	The Drow Elf leaves
Butters	Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion. My... my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you. We should be friends.
	End of cutscene. The New Kid has Butters as his first friend
Butters	Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King. He's been talking about your arrival. The Wizard lives this way, in the green house over there. [points to the right]
	The New Kid follows Butters
Butters	Hey, where are you from?
Butters	Where'd you live before moving here?
Butters	Do you like Colorado?
Butters	Why are you wearing your hair like that?
Butters	You don't talk much, do ya? That's ok, I can talk enough for both of us.
	Start of cutscene when the New Kid approaches Cartman's house. Butters knocks on the door, and receiving the door is the Grand Wizard himself.
Butters	All hail the Grand Wizard!
Cartman	So, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom.
	End of cutscene. Cartman, Butters and the New Kid passes through the living room.
Liane	Oh, who's your new friend, Eric?
Cartman	Shut up mom, not now.
	Start of cutscene when the New Kid enters the backyard
Cartman	Welcome, to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!
	The view of Kupa Keep, along with Princess Kenny, Clyde and Scott Malkinson. The Wizard King walks over to Clyde who is selling weapons
Cartman	Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior.
	Cartman walks over to Scott who is tending to Mr. Kitty in a small pen
Cartman	Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes.
	Cartman makes his move, standing next to Kenny
Cartman	And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom. [Kenny takes a twirl at a lock of wig] Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now... [Cartman takes a quick glance at Kenny, and back again]
	End of cutscene. The New Kid is free to explore the kingdom
	If the New Kid speaks to Clyde, he obtains a new friend
Clyde	You may have heard of my deeds at the Battle of Stark's Pond.
Clyde	That's the line the Grand Wizard gave me.
Clyde	Sorry, but the Grand Wizard told me to stick to the script.
	If the New Kid speaks to Scott, he obtains a new friend
Scott	My loyalty is as incurable as my diabetes.
Scott	The power of diabetes is both a gift and a curse. But mostly a curse.
Scott	The Grand Wizard withholds snacks if we talk off script.
Cartman	Stick to your lines. No talking, Scott.
	Once the New Kid speaks to Cartman, the cutscene continues
Cartman	You have been sought out, new kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I heed something from you, and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first, please tell us thy name...
	A window pops out titling "Thy name is...". The player enters any name
Cartman	You've entered "Douchebag". Is that correct?
	A "Yes/No" options appear. The player clicks on any option
Cartman	Are you sure you want to keep the name "Douchebag"?
	The "Yes/No" options appear once again. The player clicks on any option
Cartman	Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief or Jew.
	Pictures of the four classes appear on top of the New Kid
	If the Warrior class is selected
Cartman	A fighter has courage, honor and the ability to kick fucking ass.
Cartman	A white fighter? Haven't seen a good one of those for a while.
	If the Mage class is selected
Cartman	A mage is like a wizard only not as cool.
	If the Thief class is selected
Cartman	You look sneaky enough to be a thief.
Cartman	A white thief? Never heard of one, but interesting.
	If the Jew class is selected
Cartman	Jew, huh? So I guess we'l never really be friends.
Cartman	A Jew from New Jersey? So you are basically Kyle's mom. Cool.
	The player has chosen their class
	If the player selected Fighter/Mage/Thief classes
Cartman	We welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Fighter/Mage/Thief!
	If the player selected the Jew class
Cartman	Welcome to the KKK. Douchebag the Jew! Who probably can also handle our finances.
Butters	Hooray!
Cartman	Now please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!
	End of cutscene. The player visits the weapons shop
Clyde	Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler? Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?
	If the New Kid pays Clyde for tips
Clyde	Don't waste your money on tips and rumors.
	After the New Kid successfully purchases and equips a weapon
Cartman	Ah, you have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and with the bravery of a noble knight, beat up Clyde.
Clyde	What?
Cartman	Kick Clyde's ass, new kid.
Clyde	What'd I do?
Cartman	I'm the King, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Go on, new kid, kick his ass.
	Start of battle between the New Kid and Clyde
Clyde	I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman	Clyde, you have to wait your turn.
Clyde	That's lame.
Cartman	No Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, Clyde, but that's how we're fucking doing it. Alright, Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in, don't be shy.
	If the New Kid takes too long in any of his turns
Cartman	Come on, fight!
	If the New Kid fails to execute the attack properly
Clyde	That all you got?
Cartman	Oh my god, it's Butters all over again. Okay, look. Try putting your back into it at the last possible moment.
	The New Kid takes his first turn and hits Clyde
Clyde	Suck!
Cartman	Oh hell yeah, Clyde's your b****. All right, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can.
	The New Kid goes again and throws a power attack on Clyde
Cartman	Oh shit dude, I think I see blood. Fucking nice, brah. That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that. Okay listen up, the key to surviving in battle is not get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!
Clyde	Prepare yourself! [moves and attempts a hit on the New Kid]
	If the player successfully blocks the attack
Cartman	Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Dude you're already way better than Clyde. All right, it's time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities take power points, or "PP" for short.
Clyde	[chuckles] PP...
Cartman	IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING AND I SAY IT'S PP! Douchebag, use your Fighter/Mage/Thief/Jew ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!
	If the player successfully uses the ability against Clyde
Cartman	Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag! Now... do it one more time, finish him!
Clyde	What? I was going easy. Take this! [Takes his turn and attacks the New Kid]
	The New Kid gets his turn next. Another successful ability attack knocks down Clyde, leaving him crying
Cartman	Hahaha! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like "AHGHG NOO!". Hahahaa! [Clyde picks himself up] Okay, okay, you've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic. [enters the tent]
	End of cutscene. The New Kid may choose to follow Cartman into the tent or explore further
	If the New Kid speaks to Scott
Scott	You fight pretty good, new kid.
	If the New Kid stalls after a while
Cartman	Douchebag? I ordered you into the war tent, Douchebag.
	The New Kid enters the war tent
Cartman	Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die...
	A wooden stick, known as the Stick of Truth, placed on top of a red pillow on a pedestal, complimented with a head lamp to shine on the stick
Cartman	The Stick of Truth. Just two days ago, we took the stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe. [turns away and closes his eyes] Don't gaze at it too long! For its powers are too much for mere mortals to look at. Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine-ninety five for the first week, $4 of which is tax deductable...
Butters	[offscreen] ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!
Cartman	Someone has sounded the alarm!
Butters	[enters the war tent looking frantic] ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!
Cartman	What is it?
Butters	The elves are attacking!
Cartman	Oh my God! Defensive positions! [leaves the tent]
	The New Kid is now alone in the tent
	If the New Kid stalls
Cartman	Douchebag! Come help us!
	The New Kid leaves the tent
Cartman	Man the gates! Don't let them through!
	Outside the Kupa Keep, an army of elves stand ready to invade
Chris	Give us the Stick, humans!
Cartman	Fuck you, Drow Elves! Come and get it! Clyde, guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!
Clyde	Aye aye! [takes his position]
Cartman	"Aye aye"? We're not playing pirates, Clyde! Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!
	End of cutscene. The Kupa Keep is now in warzone
Cartman	[Sees Butters struggling against the same drow elf he previously fought] Butters! Butters! You're losing! Stop losing!
Butters	But I don't wanna make 'em feel bad!
Cartman	Kick their asses, New Kid. I got your back!
	The New Kid enters his first of three fights against the Drow Elves
Cartman	Do it, Douchebag. Kick these elves' asses.
	After the first turn, the New Kid is seriously hurt
Cartman	You're wounded, Douchebag! Potions will heal you. Here. [takes out a bag of Cheesy Poofs]
	After receiving the Cheesy Poofs (or known in the game as Health Potion (Small)), the New Kid consumes the potion
Cartman	The rules say you can have one potion at every turn. I asked for five but this was the compromise. This guy's fast, Douchebag. Try to block all his attacks.
	If the New Kid fails to block the attacks
Cartman	Well, if this job doesn't work out, at least you've got a future as a training dummy. Come on, get it right.
	If the New Kid fails again
Cartman	I said "block", not "nailed by". Maybe I wasn't clear. Try again.
	When the New Kid successfully blocks all of the Drow Elf's attacks
Cartman	Okay, if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack. Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. Kick the shit out of him!
	When the New Kid successfully executes the counterattack
Cartman	Awesome. You kicked his helpless ass. Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King.
	The New Kid wins his first fight
	The New Kid goes over to the second Drow Elf who is hitting on a fainted Scott.
Cartman	I swear to God, Scott, if you keep fighting like a p**** I'll come over there and kick you in your diabetic nuts!
	A second fight begans with a Drow Elf warrior and an archer
Cartman	You got this, Douchebag!
	A Drow Elf warrior takes a Riposting position
Drow Elf Archer	You're mine now!
	The Drow Elf archer takes a shot at the New Kid
Cartman	What are you waiting for, Douchebag? That guy's just standing there, go kick his ass!
	The New Kid uses melee against the warrior but fails his turn
Cartman	Hahaha, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can't just hit him like that. You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Douchebag. Snipe that little b****.
	The New Kid arms a bow
Cartman	Sweet, now you can hit the guy in the back. Go for the pink mist.
	If the New Kid uses the arrow against the warrior
Cartman	Douchebag, use your arrows. Take out the archer. Do what I say or you can't play anymore!
	The New Kid shoots an arrow on another Drow Elf archer at the back
Cartman	Yeah, b****! That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King!
Drow Elf Warrior	In you face!
	The Drow Elf warrior switches to a Reflecting position
Cartman	Careful, Douchebag. That guy's ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else.
	The New Kid uses a melee attack and knocks out the warrior.
Cartman	Great job, Douchebag!
	The New Kid claims another victory. He finally approaches the last elf who is fighting Mr. Kitty
Cartman	No kitty, fight back! That's a bad Kitty!
	The New Kid goes into his third and final fight.
Cartman	Let's do this, Douchebag.
	One elf is Riposting, while the other is shielded
Cartman	Okay, that guy has a shield. Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over to wear them down quickly.
	The New Kid goes over to hit the shielded elf and bring down his shield status
Cartman	Yeah, that's how you do it. The other elf let his guard down. Now's your chance. Power attack his armor!
	The New Kid takes a power attack against the remaining elf
Cartman	That's it, now finish him!
	The New Kid claims victory over the Drow Elves
Chris	Drow Elves! Fall back! Fall back, I say! [The remaining elves awaken and leave the Kupa Keep]
Cartman	Yes! Awesome dude! Take that, you asshole elves! Better luck next time! [sings] Nya nya nya nya nyaaa nya! We still control the universe! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha!
Clyde	[approaches Cartman] It's gone.
Cartman	What?
Clyde	The Stick of Truth. The elves got it.
Cartman	THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB, CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH! [pauses] Clyde, you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!
Clyde	What? NO! You can't do that!
Cartman	Yeah I can! You're banished and lost in time and space!
Butters	Yeah! Go home, Clyde! [Clyde takes his leave]
Cartman	You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag.
Scott	Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight.
Cartman	Shut up, Scott. Nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now. The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble our entire army in order to get it back.
Butters	But out three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king.
Cartman	Our newest member can take care of that. Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neightborhood and find my greatest warriors. Tolkien, Tweek and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now. [takes out his phone and does so, before stowing it back] But beware, the lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here!
End of The New Kid in Town