The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka/Script

Script

"The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka/Script"

"City on the Edge of Forever (Flashbacks)/Script"

The official script for "The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka

	A television is on, and a new show seems to be on the air.
Announcer	And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!
	Jimbo and Ned are on a studio based on a hunting lodge. Jimbo and Ned each have weapons, Ned's flamethrower is even lit, ready to go.
Jimbo	Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is Ned. Say hi, Ned.
Ned	M-hi, Ned.
Jimbo	Arrgh-ha-ha-ha! Now, isn't that great?
	The cameraman give him a thumbs up.
Jimbo	We have a terrific show for you today: we're gonna kill some elk, and we're gonna kill some mountain goats. Now, the new law passed by Colorado legislature, which Ned and I call "Pussy Law #4", states that we can no longer kill animals in defense. "PUSSY LAW #4" NO ANIMAL SHALL BE HARMED, EVEN IN SELF DEFENSE, UNLESS SPECIFIC LICENSE AND SEASON IS IN ORDER. SELF DEFENSE CAN ONLY BE JUSTIFIED BY EXTREME, PROVABLE PERIL AND OR DOCUMENTED VISIBLE BODILY HARM. In other words, our old line of, "It's comin' right for us"--
Ned	It's comin' right for us.
Jimbo	--no longer works. So now, we only kill animals to, quote, "thin out their numbers". If we don't hunt, then these animals will grow too big in number and they won't have enough food. So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.
	An awkward moment. Jimbo, Ned and the cameraman look at each other.
Jimbo	Uhh... So roll the tape.
	A trill, and the tape shows a field into which Jimbo and Ned wander.
Jimbo	Here we are at Schaefer's Crossing, lookin' for some animals.
Jimbo	Lookie, Ned, there's some deers!
	A group of deer looks up and stares at them.
Jimbo	Quick, Ned! Thin out their numbers!
Ned	Thin out their numbers!
	Walks up to the deer and fires up the flamethrower, producing a huge flame. The deer are incinerated where they stand, and their bones crumble.
Jimbo	Good work, Ned. Now they won't starve.
Jimbo	That sure was a great hunting trip. We saved those deer from extinction.
Ned	Mmm-we're environmentalists.
Jimbo	Comin' up next, we're gonna drop some napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers. And also, try to thin out the numbers of some endangered species.
	South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison writes "Vietnam" on the blackboard.
Cartman	Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?
Mr. Garrison	"What's Vietnam?" A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Heheheheheheheheheh. Children, for the next few days, we'll be learning all about Vietnam. Chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this incredible war.
Mr. Hat	That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam War was sticky and icky.
	Kyle raises his hand.
Kyle	Mr. Garrison, were you in Vietnam?
	Mr. Garrison frowns as he seems to recall an incident in that war. An injured man is dragged to a helicopter as fresh troops wait to replace him.
Injured Man	Aaawwwgh... Aaawwwgh...
Leader	Come on, men! Let's go! Jump out of the chopper!
	The class is waiting. Now Mr. Garrison is smiling as the next scene begins. A group of men is seen disrobed and bathing. At the end of it, he laughs to himself.
Man 1	Who's next to take a shower?
Man 2	Me-ee!
Man 3	I am.
Man 1	You just took one last week, silly.
Man 2	Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?
Mr. Garrison	No, I wasn't in Vietnam, but sometimes, I like to pretend I was. Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper.
Class	Awww..!
Cartman	Son of a b****.
Mr. Garrison	I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam and interview them about it.
Clyde	What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?
Mr. Garrison	Then you get an F, fail the third grade, and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit.
Clyde	Oh.
Stan	Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.
Kyle	Hey, yeah! He and Ned do that stupid TV show.
	Back to Huntin' and Killin, in a special segment...
Jimbo	And now, time for Jimbo's Mysteries of the Unexplained.
	The letters are wavy and uneven. The boys come to see the taping.
Jimbo	One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some 8mm film of what he claims to be the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Now, as you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. If a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed, or even die. And this film proves that that frog may very well exist.
	The film plays. Shown is a snowy field, with the camera looking from behind some blades of grass.
Jimbo	Now watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican staring frog.
	Nothing seems to be happening.
Jimbo	There! There, did you see it? Roll that back again!
	The film is replayed.
Jimbo	Now, freeze it!
	The film is paused, and there is a very blurry object flying through the air.
Jimbo	Well, I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say now! What do you think, Ned?
Ned	M-whoa, I'm scared.
Jimbo	Well, be sure to join us next time. Until then... We're so glad you spent your time with us While we slaughtered our way through nature's guts Come again and stay a while We'll kill a lot more living things to make them bleed
Ned	Mm-good night.
Cameraman	A-and we're cut. Great show, guys.
Jimbo	Oh, lookie who's here. My little nephew Stanley.
	The boys approach him.
Jimbo	So, you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's big TV show, huh?
Stan	No. We have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there.
Jimbo	Oh. Yeah, we sure were.
Cartman	Was it fun?
Kyle	Cartman! What kind of stupid-ass question is that?! Of course it was fun!
Jimbo	Well, sure, Vietnam was fun. But not like goin-to-the-circus fun, or fly-fishin-in-Montana fun. No, Vietnam was more like shovin' shards of broken glass up your ass and then sittin' in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun.
Stan	Whoa!
Jimbo	Yepper, that's where me and Ned met.
	Flashback to circa 1975, to a beach. A man write something on a notebook as helicopters take turns landing on a helipad below. An amusement park is just to the right, with a carousel and a log ride. A log comes into view with screaming riders. "Time of the Season" by The Zombies, plays.
Jimbo	I remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel.
Jimbo	Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day!
	A bird alights on his upper arm and sings to him. He whistles back.
Sergeant	Kern, get over here! The new privates are here. I'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee. Ned Gerblansky.
	The crowd parts to reveal him.
Ned	Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir.
Sergeant	Thanks, Ned. Now, the bad guys have been spotted about ten klicks north of here. I know that you and Kern are best suited to take them out. Are you up for it?
Jimbo, Ned	Sir, yes, sir!
	Actual footage of a helicopter flying off is shown.
Jimbo	Soon it was all on just me and Ned to win the war for America.
Jimbo	Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?
Ned	Certainly. And would you like another muffin as well?
Jimbo	Why the hell not? We're at war.
	Ned hands them over, then sits back, pulls out a cigarette and lighter, and lights the cigarette.
Jimbo	Hey, you know those things are bad for your throat.
Ned	No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies at 2 o'clock!
	Jimbo studies the troop movements on the ground.
Jimbo	I see 'em! Drop the bomb!
	Ned pulls the trigger, but nothing happens.
Ned	The bomb's not releasing!
Jimbo	Oh, no!
Ned	It won't budge.
Jimbo	Then we only have one option.
	Jimbo forces the plane down.
Ned	What are you doing, man?!
Jimbo	We have to take 'em out, Ned! At all costs! Die, you red commie bastards!
	Comes in for a crash landing, and enemy troops are running out of their way. Jimbo and Ned come out and shoot everyone they can. The enemy soldiers die on the spot. Ned pulls out a grenade to activate and throw at other enemy troops, but it goes off prematurely and takes off his right arm.
Ned	[His arm flies away.] Yaaarrrggghhh!!!
Jimbo	[Firing away.] Aaarrrggghh-- Oh no! Out of ammo!
	Jimbo reaches behind himself and pulls out a sword. A horse with golden mane and tail trots in. Ned fights off the enemy troops with his good arm and martial arts skill, and Jimbo flies onto the horse. He sallies forth and decapitates every soldier he comes across. When the enemy soldiers are all dead, Jimbo puts the sword away, and they look at the corpses around them.
Jimbo	We did it, Ned! We killed the entire Vietcong Army!
Ned	Whoopie.
	Ned brings out a cigarette and lights it with his good hand.
Jimbo	Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride before it closes!
	Ned flies onto the horse behind Jimbo, and horse and riders leap gracefully away, as we return to the present.
Jimbo	And that's the way it happened, boys.
Stan	Wow!
Cartman	Man, Vietnam was sweet!
Cameraman	[Reading a magazine.] Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!
Jimbo	Wow!
Cameraman	They've gone from six people to twelve.
Jimbo	Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy!
	South Park Public Access. The set of Jesus and Pals.
Producer	We've got to do it, J. Your ratings are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned Hunting Show.
Jesus	But I don't really care about that.
Producer	Wuhell, you'd better care, Mr. Smarty Pants. No ratings means no show. If you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to keep up with the times.
Jesus	[Reluctantly.] Ohh, alright.
Cameraman	Alright, we're ten second to air, guys.
Producer	Remember, big, big, big!.
	She holds up her hands and moves them apart with each 'big.' Then she walks off.
Cameraman	And five, four, three...
	Spotlight beams dance around the studio.
Announcer	[Applause] It's your hour of power on midday Mountain Cable Access. Put your hands together and welcome the only man in town who always has a fully-stocked wine cellar, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-sus Christ!
	Jesus is caught off guard as a spotlight jumps to him.
Jesus	Uhhh... Hi.
	His producer signals him to build up his intro.
Jesus	Uh, yeh-yeah, okay. Beginning today, we're taking the show in a new direction.
	A stage hand guides him through with the cue cards.
Jesus	We've got some very interesting people coming on the show this week for you, our viewers. Today's guest is: TV's Gilligan, Mr. Bob Denver.
	Applause, as the curtains open.
Announcer	Here's Booooobbb Denver.
	He makes his way to Jesus. They shake hands and sit down.
Jesus	Hi, Bob Denver.
Bob	Hi, Jesus. Great to be here.
	His tongue is exposed. There is a pause as they look at each other.
Jesus	So. Bob. So, yu-you just get in town?
Bob	Yup. Just got in.
Jesus	[Pause.] So... Um... Su-so, wwhat have you been up to?
Bob	Nn-nothing. Nothing really at all.
	The producer cues the studio and to play.
Disciples vocalist	'Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' You gotta have something
Jesus	[Cynically.] Oh boy.
	South Park Elementary. Stan is presenting his group's report, reading from his notes.
Stan	"...and after killing the entire Vietcong Army, they returned to base camp."
	Mr. Garrison is behind Clyde.
Stan	"Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop roller coaster."
	Mr. Garrison gets a reaction.
Stan	"...and ate cotton candy. And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart for his courageous defense of the log ride."
	Mr. Garrison is suspicious.
Stan	"So was the horror of Vietnam." The end.
The Boys	The end.
Kyle	Are there any questions?
	The kids are terrified of the presentation. Mr. Garrison raises his hand.
Kyle	Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison	Yes. [Suddenly angry.] Where the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?
	The boys' grins vanish.
Stan	From Vietnam veterans.
Mr. Garrison	Well, boys, it's obvious to me that you didn't do your work, and that you stayed up all night thinking up some ridiculous lie.
Stan	No, no, we didn't--
Mr. Garrison	You all receive an F...minus.
Kyle	F-minus? Can he do that?
Stan	Bu-but we're not making it up, it was--
Mr. Garrison	Stanley, the Vietnam War was war! There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or log rides.
Kyle	How do you know? You weren't even there.
Mr. Garrison	Well, that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week!
Boys	Aawwww!
	South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Mr. Mackey is supervising detention.
Cartman	Sweet.
Mr. Mackey	Welcome to detention, m'kay? Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke. It's important for you all to know why you're in detention for you to obtain the full benefits from it.
Cartman	You're dead, Stan.
Stan	For what, dude?
Kenny	(Just face it, dude, your uncle's stupid!)
Mr. Mackey	[While the boys talk softly.] You're here because you are inferior, m'kay? You are here because you are awkward, m'kay?
Cartman	Well, Stan, thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle that got us all detention for a week.
Kyle	Yeah, dude, your Uncle Jimbo sucks ass!
Mr. Mackey	Shh! M'kay?
Stan	Why would he just invent a story instead of telling us the truth?
Cartman	Well, let's see... Maybe 'cause he's an old, drunk hillbilly dick!
Mr. Mackey	Shh! M'kay?
Kyle	[Pounds the table.] We've got to get him back, dude.
Cartman	Totally.
Stan	How?
Kyle	Well, he screwed us by makin' something up; I say we do the same thing.
Stan	Well, what do you mean?
Kyle	Did you guys ever see that one Brady Bunch where the guy... [Indistinct whisper.]
Cartman	[As Kyle whispers his plot.] Sweet. Oh, yeah, sweet. That's super sweet. Ah-yes!
	Jimbo and Ned back on the set.
Announcer	And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!
Jimbo	Welcome, hunters. Boy, have we got a show for you today! We have just received a tape from another viewer who filmed the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka right here in South Park.
Ned	Aggghhh!
Jimbo	Yes, now we're about to roll the film, but remember: if you look the Mexican staring frog in the eyes, you could go catatonic. We don't know if this applies to pictures of the frog or not, but who wants to take chances? So when we roll this film, be sure to look away.
	Jimbo looks away and shields his eyes with his arm. Ned does the same.
Jimbo	Okay, roll the film, Tom.
	Tom starts the film and looks away. The footage is that of a fake frog sitting on a doorstep motionless.
Jimbo	Is it over? Okay, it's over.
	They lower their arms and sit up.
Jimbo	Well, there you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka exists.
	Cartman residence. The boys are watching the show.
Jimbo	And you saw it here, on The Jimbo and Ned Show.
Kyle	Dude, I can't believe they fell for it!
Stan	Yeah, what a couple of dumb-asses.
Kenny	(Yeah, it's like killing a dead pig and a turkey.)
	They all laugh.
Stan	Yeah.
Kyle	Come on! We've gotta make another one!
	The boys get off the couch and leave.
Cartman	Lying kicks ass!
	South Park Public Access. Meanwhile...
Producer	Jesus!
Jesus	Yeah?
Producer	We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned Show made up some ridiculous staring frog story and jumped another two points in the ratings!
Jesus	Uh-oh, sssooo what are we supposed to do?
Producer	I don't know. We'll have to continue with the changes we've made, and then go even further.
Stage hand	And we're back in five, four, three...
Producer	Remember, big, big, big!
	Jesus and Pals has a new opening sequence, with Jesus walking backwards into view and throwing his jacket over his shoulder. Meanwhile, 'Jesus and Pals' scrolls along the bottom as both his logo drops down from above. His signature blinks here and there. A montage follows with Jesus talking to a monkey in one screen and Jesus waiting for calls in another. The last thing you see is J&P.
Jesus	If you're just joining us, we've been listening to Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on, Michelle.
Michelle	[Tearfully.] Well, as I was saying, I tried and tried, but my overturned car just won't budge. My husband was trapped for twelve hours.
Jesus	And yet, somehow, he managed to survive.
Michelle	That's right. He's a very brave man, and I love him very much.
Husband	[In a wheelchair, head bandaged.] I love you, too.
Jesus	W-well, let's see if the audience has any questions.
	A large woman raises her hand.
Jesus	Yes, uhh, you over there.
	Jesus walks down to her.
Large woman	I think she needs to kick him to the curb, baby!
	The audience applauds.
Jesus	Kick who to the curb?
Large woman	Her no-good husband! She's got to lose that zero and get herself a hero!
	The audience applauds.
Jesus	But--
Red-haired woman	He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He's got to dump that trash girlfriend.
	She grabs the mic.
Red-haired woman	It's all about respect. You've gotta have respect for yourself.
	The audience applauds. Michelle is shocked, and her husband drools a little blood.
Jesus	Uuh-I think we've somewhat missed the point here. Let's go to somebody else.
	Jesus backs up to an African American.
Jesus	Yes, your comments.
Michael Jackson fan	Montel, I think we're forgetting something very important in all of this. Okay, sure, he touched some children, but the man is a great singer and he has entertained us for so many years.
Jesus	Wha-what are you talking about?
Michael Jackson fan	Michael Jackson. All this baad-mouthin' and puttin' the man down. Maybe he did touch some children now and then, but come on! It's Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson!
	The audience applauds.
Jesus	Uhh, we'll be back right after these messages.
	In the woods, the boys set up for another staring frog video. Cartman is behind some bushes and Kyle is in front of them. Stan and Kenny face them.
Stan	Ready, you guys?
Kyle/Cartman	Ready.
	Cartman is hiding behind the bush.
Stan	Okay. Action!
	The camera rolls, and the frog is dangling from a fishing pole, jumping around. Cartman, holding the pole, speaks in a spooky voice.
Cartman	Blululululululuh. I am the deadly Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... And dangerous!
Stan	Cut! Cartman!
Cartman	[Popping up.] What?
Stan	It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman	I know that!
Stan	Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
Cartman	[Thinks.] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Kyle	[Holding the camera.] Der, Cartman!
Cartman	Der yourself, hippie!
Kyle	Just do it again, Cartman, and don't make it talk! [Resumes filming.]
Stan	Okay. Here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
Cartman	[Pops up.] I'm ready, Steven Spielberg! [Drops.]
Stan	Action!
Cartman	[Moves the frog around.] Blulululuh. Screw you guys.
	Downtown. The boys have Cartman wearing a grey wig, a pink dress, and black high heels.
Cartman	Well, why do I have to dress up like an old lady?
Kyle	'Cause old ladies are fat and you are, too!
Cartman	Ee-goddammit!
Stan	Come on, Cartman, the way we're filming this, nobody will even know it's you.
Cartman	They better not!
Stan	Okay, when I yell "action", you start to walk this way, then Kenny's going to pull the plastic frog in front of you, and you have to be scared.
Cartman	Scared of a plastic frog?
Stan	It's acting, Cartman. You have to pretend you're really scared, then the Mexican staring frog will look you in the eyes, then you fall down, like you're dead, okay? Ready?
Cartman	Man, this is stupid.
Stan	Good. A-and action!
	Kenny walks in front of the camera with the frog, as Cartman screams and falls on his back.
Cartman	Eee-ee-ee-ee!
	Jimbo and Ned back on the set.
Jimbo	Well, it appears as though a lot of you "skeptics" thought that the film we showed of the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. That you say it didn't harm anybody. Well, it just so happens that we just received another film from another anonymous viewer. [Looks away.] Roll it!
	The two scenes have been spliced together, except that Cartman falls on his left side, and Kenny added his own touch by mooning the camera.
Jimbo	There you go! Proof that not only is this frog real, but it is doing harm to the people of South Park as we speak!
Ned	Mmmm-damn that frog.
Jimbo	Well, that does it! All this week, Ned and I will be--
	South Park Public Access. His producer is watching Huntin' and Killin'.
Jimbo	--risking life and limb as we go on location to hunt the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Join us, won't ya?
Producer	Ooh, no, no, no, no!
	Jesus walks up behind her.
Producer	This is the biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen! Damn, those hunters are clever!
Jesus	Uhhh, clever?
Producer	It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even want to watch them hunt the Mexican staring frog. Unless...
Jesus	Unless what?
Producer	Unless we can prove to the City world that the whole thing is a sham. If we prove that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka is just something..made up by Jimbo and Ned, we can have them taken off the air. Perhaps even killed!
Jesus	Look, why don't we just stick to our own show? People will watch again.
Producer	[Wearily.] Oh, J. You are so omnipotent, and yet so naive. We'll launch a full investigation, and in the meantime, we can cash in on the video tapes.
Jesus	What video tapes?
	A commercial begins.
Jesus	Yea, children. I am the way and the light...
Announcer	You've seen Jesus and Pals. Now you've got to get the video!
	Jesus and Pals: Too Hot for TV! A man pours some whipped cream on the chest of a topless bikini-clad woman wearing a cowboy hat.
Announcer	Things get a little out of control!
	Another guest yells obscenities at another guest, but his mouth is censored.
Announcer	You won't believe your eyes!
	Jesus is flanked by two Klansmen as he interviews them.
Announcer	Order now, only $19.95!
	Jesus is Lord!!! Visa, MC, and AmEx accepted.
Announcer	Remember, this is stuff you can't see on TV!
	Two other women in bikinis take off their tops and dance around. Their breasts are censored with bars saying "TOO HOT!!!"
	Next day. Jimbo and Ned with cameraman Tom and producer drive through the town.
Jimbo	Anonymous tip?
Tom	Yeah, it was left on our answering machine. All it said was that they saw the Mexican staring frog just south of Stark's Pond this morning.
Jimbo	Hey, Ned. Remember that time when we got the anonymous tip back in 'Nam?
Tom	You were in 'Nam? Where were you stationed?
Ned	Mmm-Da Nang.
Cameraman	With the log ride?
Jimbo	Yep.
Tom	Man, I was in Tet. We had a bad-ass roller coaster, but... all we ever wanted was a log ride. We waited and we waited, but... they never built us one. I think..Danforth wanted the log ride more than anybody, but he... he had to settle with that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.
Jimbo	That war was hell on everybody.
	Tom starts sobbing.
Producer	Good. Okay. Okay, bye! Good news, everybody. This week's ratings are through the roof! We're up to twenty people!
Jimbo	Wow! Do we got more money?
Producer	No, but I do. We're now the highest-rated show on Mountain Cable Access! God bless the Mexican staring frog!
	The boys are back in the woods, and their frog is on a small boulder.
Kyle	Dude, they're gonna look so stupid.
Cartman	Dude, totally.
Stan	They deserve it for lying to us, dude.
Cartman	[Relishing the moment.] Revenge is so very, very sweet.
Stan	They're here! Hurry and hide!
	They run for cover in a patch of shrubs. Jimbo stops his hummer and the men get out.
Jimbo	Let's hunt!
Producer	We'll start with a two-shot of you and Ned getting your equipment together and--
Ned	Mm-Jimbo, look!
Jimbo	Hit the deck!
	They hide behind a snow drift.
Producer	What is it?
Jimbo	It's him! The Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. He's right over there on that rock.
Producer	He is?
Jimbo	Dumb-ass! You've got to keep your eyes away from him!
	The producer tries to sneak a peek, but Jimbo forces him down again.
Jimbo	Stay down. Ned, you take flight position; I'll try and keep it turned away from you.
Ned	Mm-roger that.
	Ned leaves the drift, as Jimbo stands, facing the camera.
Jimbo	Hello, fellow hunters. Have we got a show for you today.
	Ned moves behind the cameraman and begins his assault.
Jimbo	The Mexican staring frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us.
	Ned jumps from behind one tree to behind another.
Jimbo	We've got to take the frog by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion using this incendiary device, while Ned will ambush him from the rear.
	Jimbo pulls the pin out and throws the grenade behind him. It hits the rock, but the plastic frog simply went about face.
Jimbo	Now, Ned! He's not looking!
	Ned advances quickly.
Jimbo	Quick, Ned, hit him with the shotgun! Now, Ned!
	Silence.
Jimbo	Ned. Ne-ed?
	He turns around and draws closer to the rock. He sees Ned, now catatonic, looking at the frog.
Jimbo	Oh, no!
	Close-up. Ned's hair stands on end.
Jimbo	Come on, Ned, buddy, snap out of it!
	Ned's gun drops from his good arm.
Jimbo	Come back to me, buddy.
Producer	You getting all this?
	The cameraman smiles and gives a thumbs up.
Jimbo	Hold onto your butts.
	Jimbo fires away at the frog with his shotgun.
Jimbo	Take that, you demon frog!
	Jimbo rushes up to Ned.
Jimbo	Ned, Ned? Can you hear me?
	He turns to his crew.
Jimbo	Quick! Somebody, call an ambulance! This man is catatonic!
Producer	Get the Flight for Life helicopter!
	The boys rise out of the shrubs.
Stan	Holy crap, dude.
	Hells Pass Hospital. Jimbo is at Ned's bedside reading to him.
Jimbo	..."but Ponyboy was beat up pretty bad. He kept saying, 'stay gold.'"
	Jimbo closes the book and watches Ned.
Jimbo	Aw, Ned. If you can hear me, y-you've got to snap out of it, 'cause if you don't, uh-I'll never forgive myself.
	The boys enter the room.
Jimbo	Aw, Stanley, he's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!
Stan	Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even real!
Kyle	Look!
	Kyle holds up the plastic frog, which puts Jimbo on guard.
Jimbo	Aghh! What the hell are you doing? I almost looked right at it!
Stan	Dude, it's just a plastic frog; it's not real. Check it out!
	Jimbo drops his guard and inspects the frog.
Jimbo	What..?
Stan	We shot all those videos and sent them in.
Kyle	Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a really, really funny joke! [Grins.]
Jimbo	You sent in those videos?!
Producer	[On the phone.] Oh, this is not good.
Jimbo	My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna be the laughingstock of South Park!
Kyle	Aw, come on. Ned's faking it. That frog was just a piece of plastic!
Stan	Yeah. Come on, Ned. Quit fakin'.
	No response from Ned.
Jimbo	You boys don't understand. Ned was so freaked out by the idea of the Mexican staring frog that he must have sent himself into a deep coma.
	Jesus' producer is suddenly at the doorway with a satellite listening device.
Jesus' producer	It's a psychosomatic response. [Entering.] I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just now.
Kyle	Who are you?
Jesus' producer	I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals, you might have heard of it. Your story is amazing; full of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing and bitterness.
Jimbo	Uhhhh... Thanks?
Jesus' producer	How would you like to share your remarkable story with us on tomorrow's show?
	Jesus and Pals, after a commercial break. Today's topic: Tots in Trouble.
Jesus	We're back with Jimbo and his nephew, Stan. These kids can't stop lying, can't they?
Jimbo	That's right, Jesus. No respect for their elders. As some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting.
	A woman claps.
Jimbo	Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican staring frog for a week based on some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that these kids faked the footage!
Jesus	Is that true, Stan?
Stan	It was just a joke; we didn't think it would hurt anybody.
	Jesus looks over to see his producer signaling him to call for a break.
Jesus	Uhh, we'll find out more about this debauchery when we return.
Cameraman	A-and we're out.
	Jesus walks off the stage, as the producer walks on.
Producer	You're corpses out here! We need a lot more action from everybody!
Jimbo	Like what?
Producer	Like, go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan takes drugs and worships Satan.
Jimbo	Satan. Got it.
Stan	Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan! That's lying!
Jimbo	Give you a taste of your own medicine, you little fibber!
Producer	And you kids! I didn't bring you on this show to be boring. Somebody get pissed off and throw a chair at Ned here.
	Cartman raises his hand.
Cartman	Dibs!
Producer	Remember, you all start to fight after the chair is thrown. That's your cue.
Jimbo	Roger.
	The theme music plays again and the crowd applauds for the next segment. Action.
Jesus	Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo, why do you think little Stanley lies?
Jimbo	I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs and worships the devil!
	The audience and Stan gasp.
Audience	Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
Jesus	Wow. Now, Stanley, it sound like your uncle is really worried about you.
Stan	Well, I only..did it 'cause... he..molested me.
	Jesus' jaw drops. The audience boos, and the sound man and the director high-five each other.
Jimbo	Why, you little piece of crap!
Stan	You big piece of crap!
Cartman	That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!
	Cartman takes his chair and throws it at Ned.
Cartman	Take that, hippie!
	The chair hits Ned, who continues to just sit there.
Jimbo	Hey!
Audience	Jeesus! Jeesus!
	Jimbo picks up his chair and throws it at Cartman. The chair hits a woman in the right side of her head in the audience and she gets up angry. She heads for the stage.
	Jesus tries to calm things down.
Jesus	O-okay, okay, that's enough.
woman	[Slugs Jimbo.] Take that, you asshole!
	Jimbo falls. She jumps on him and strikes again.
woman	What the fuck was that?
Jesus	Uh, let's watch the language, people.
Jimbo	Bring it on, you b****!
	She hits him again.
Cartman	Ey, get off of him, you fuckin' nutsack!
Audience	Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
	A blond man pushes Jesus out of the way as he heads for the stage. The rest of the audience follow suit, and soon everyone is fighting.
Jesus	Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.
	Kenny is being pulled apart by two men.
Kenny	(Nononono-yikes!)
	A man in a green shirt hits Kenny in the face with a chair.
	Kenny is ripped in half.
Man in green shirt pulling Kenny	Yeah, yeah, yeh... [Gasps.]
Man in blue shirt pulling Kenny	Yeah, yeah, yeh-oh?
Man with chair hitting Kenny	Oh, Oh! Aah! AAAAGGHH!!! [Gasps.] Ooh.. Ew [Shrieks.]
	Kenny begins crying.
Kenny	[Sobbing.] (OW! OW! DUDE, PLEASE STOP!! OH, FUCK! YIKES!!!!!)
	The 3 men, Stan, & Kyle gasp in horror to see what happened.
Stan	Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle	You bastards!
	Cartman comes flying across the stage.
Cartman	Ey, you guys!
	Two men just sitting in the audience start to fight for no reason.
Jesus	Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.
woman	Oh, my God!
	A man walks by with a chainsaw.
Jesus	Shut the fuck up!
	The audience members stop and gasp at him. Cartman was biting at the leg of a man onstage.
Jesus	Jesus, what is wrong with you people?! Look around you, Stanley. Look at all the pain and suffering your lie has caused.
	The audience members slowly return to their seats.
Stan	W-we only did it because Jimbo lied to us first. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school, and we interviewed Jimbo about it and he made up all this stuff about Vietnam, and he got us in trouble.
	A couple of rats come by and drag Kenny's upper half away.
Jimbo	Hey, now. Everything I told you boys about the war actually happened.
Stan	Mr. Garrison said that there was no way that you could have defeated the entire Vietcong Army by yourself.
Jesus	The entire Vietcong Army?
Jimbo	I uh... Well, okay, I might have embellished the truth a little, but that's different.
Jesus	Is it?
Jimbo	Well, sure. I mean, eh... [Pinned.] Well, no uh, I guess not.
Jesus	And as for you, Stan uh, I think you need to kick your drug habit and--
Stan	Wait a second, I don't take drugs! That was a lie!
Jesus	Wait. Jimbo made that up?
Stan	No, your producer did.
	This gets the producer's attention.
Stan	She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs.
Jesus	What?
Stan	During the break. Your producer came over, and told Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie!
Jimbo	It's true, she did. Hu-I'm such a tool.
Jesus	Oh, really?
	The producer is now trying to hide behind a potted plant.
Kyle	Yeah! Then she told us to throw a chair at Ned!
Cartman	Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, Jesus. They made me do that.
Man in Brown Shirt	Screw this show. I thought this was all real.
	The audience members begin to leave.
Jesus	W-wait, everybody. Come back.
Michael Jackson fan	[Pats Jesus on the shoulder.] Don't feel too bad, Montel. We all want to touch children sometimes; it's only natural.
	South Park Public Access, outside. Later...
Jimbo	I'm sorry, Stan. I was just trying to tell a good story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble.
Stan	W-we're sorry, too, Uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world.
Kyle	Yeah. And we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
Jimbo	Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard-core porn, he'll snap right out of it. Won't you, Ned?
	Jimbo slaps him on the shoulder, and Ned falls like a statue. A door opens.
Jesus	I want to apologize to all of you for what happened in there. In our competition for ratings we lost sight of why we got into show business in the first place.
Jimbo	Yeah. Titties and beer.
Jesus	Actually, I was referring more to the pursuit of truth, but—Well, anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old show without all the glitz and the ratings and producers and--
Kyle	Wait a sec. Where is your producer?
Jesus	[Upset.] I sent her away.
Cartman	Sent her away where?
	Hell. She enters Satan's lair with phone in hand. Pitchforks rise and begin poking her.
Producer	What is this? What's happening?!
Satan	Welcome to my dominion.
Producer	[Retreating.] Oooooohhhh!
Saddam Hussein	[Comes up behind Satan and stands next to him.] Hey. Take a load off. Put your feet up. Me and Satan were just aboot to go shopping for furniture. Come on, Satan.
Satan	Okay, honey.
	They turn around and walk away, the camera enters her mouth as she screams.
Producer	Noooooo!
	End of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. War is hell My brother's a dirty mess In war, war is hell It's hell for you and me
End of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka

206: "The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka"

edit

Story Elements

Huntin' and Killin' • Jesus and Pals • Jimbo Kern • Ned Gerblanski • Jesus and Pals Producer • Jesus Christ • Vietnam • Hell • "Huntin' and Killin'" (Song) • "Time of the Season" • "Nothing From Nothing"

Media

Images • Script • Extras • Watch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season