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in: Scripts, Scripts from Season Eighteen

Changes: The Cissy/Script

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==Cast==
  
==Cast==
−
Stan Marsh
 +
*Stan Marsh
  +
*Kyle Broflovski
  +
*Eric Cartman
  +
*Butters Stotch
  +
*Clyde Donovan
  +
*Craig Tucker
  +
*Jason
  +
*Jenny
  +
*Red
  +
*Sia
  +
*Wendy Testaburger
  +
*Mr. Garrison
  +
*Mr. Mackey
  +
*Principal Victoria
  +
*Randy Marsh
  +
*Sharon Marsh
  +
*Shelly Marsh
  +
*Gerald Broflovski
  +
*Randy's Boss
  +
*Carol, Randy's coworker
  +
*Peter Nelson
  +
*E! Anchor and Announcer
  +
*Brandon Carlile, Spin Magazine reporter
  +
*Interior Designer for Cartman's personal restroom
  +
*Record Executive and Ron
   
 
==Script==
  
==Script==
  +
{|class="wikitable" border="1" width="100%"
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The bus stop, morning. The boys wait for the bus, but Cartman seems particularly steamed today. His right hand is in his jacket pocket, and angry music plays]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|''[thinking]'' Another morning. Waiting for the run-down school bus to take me to the run-down school. But today is the day I finally have the guts to do what I should've done a long time ago. ''[looks down at Stan's feet, than at Kyle's]'' Nobody notices what I have in my front pocket. A little surprise for them all. ''[Stan notices and looks. Cartman notices Stan and shoves his hand further into his pocket. Stan looks at Cartman and steps away from him.]'' I'm prepared for this, but still I wonder.. Will I have the guts to go through with it? Damn right I will! ''[Kyle notices Cartman's anger]''
  +
|-
  +
!Kyle:
  +
|Are you okay, Cartman?
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|''[brightens up]'' Yeah I'm good. How are you, Kyle? ''[settles into angry funk again and thinks]'' They're all gonna pay! Every day they pushed me and pushed, and if it happens again today, it's going to be the last time. ''[Kyle and Kenny look at each other, then they look at Cartman]'' We'll find out today at recess, won't we? Oh yes, we'll find out today at recess.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[South Park Elementary, a couple hours later. Cartman heads for the boys room and enters. He has some magazines with him]''
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|''[at the urinal, pants down]'' Hey Eric! I'm not suspended no more.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Good for you. ''[tries to get into the first stall, but finds it locked]''
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|''[looks over]'' I think someone's in there.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|No! God damn it no! ''[pounds on the door]'' Who's takin' a shit?!
  +
|-
  +
!Craig:
  +
|Occupied.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|I called dibs on Stall 1 for all recess, Craig!
  +
|-
  +
!Craig:
  +
|You can't call dibs on a toilet.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Son of a bitch! ''[moves on to Stall 2, tries to open it, and finds it locked too.]'' Oh no! NO NO NO! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!
  +
|-
  +
!Kyle:
  +
|Then don't eat 14 Egg waffles for lunch, fatass!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Alright, that does it! ''[turns around and walks toward the door]'' I'm sick of this shit and I'm not gonna be ''[throws his magazines to the floor]'' taking it any longer! ''[reaches into his jacket pocket]'' You all pushed me to this! ''[pulls out a pink bow and plops it on to his hat, then continues out the door. Butters just looks on. Cartman leaves the boys room and enters the girls room. Wendy and Bebe are at the mirror. Wendy is quick to notice, and then faces him. Cartman heads for a stall and Wendy block him]''
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|What the hell do you think you're doing?
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|I'm going to the potty.
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|This is the girls bathroom!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Alright, I need to tell you something, Wendy. I'm transginger.
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|WHAT?!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Did you notice the bow? ''[points to it]'' I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth, so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice. Now get out of my way. I have to take a shit. ''[barges into Stall 1, locks it, drops his pants, and sits down. Wendy shrugs with her palms up. The first poop falls and Wendy and Bebe recoil]'' Aaahhh!
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|GET OUT OF HERE!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Don't give me any more issues than I already have, Wendy! ''[drops another deuce]'' Oh wow, this is nice in here. The girls bathroom is a lot cleaner than the boys. ''[groans to get another deuce out, followed by a fart. Red comes out of Stall 2]''
  +
|-
  +
!Red:
  +
|What the hell is that?!
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|Cartman is using our bathroom!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Dude, this is awesome. I should've used the girls bathroom a long time ago.
  +
|-
  +
!Red:
  +
|Hey! I'm gonna tell on you!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|It's okay, Red. I can take a shit here. I'm a dumb chick too. ''[farts and poops some more]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[Principal's office, moments later]''
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|I want to know just what makes you think it's okay to go inside the girls bathroom!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Because I'm transginger. I looked it up: that means I can use the girls shitter.
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|You are not transgender, Eric! You don't even know what that means!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Yeah uh huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion because society sees me as a boy but I'm really a girl.
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|All right, well if you identify yourself as a girl, you must find yourself attracted to boys. Is that right?!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|That's actually not true. I can be transginger without it having anything to do with the ginger I'm attracted to. Check the state bylaws.
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|Alright, listen Eric!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Erica.
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|Listen Eric! You must know why we can't have you in the girls bathroom!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|All I know is I'm transginger, and you can't make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers.
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|With the what?!
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[Faculty room, later. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey sit at the table as Mr. Garrison looks outside]''
  +
|-
  +
!Mr. Garrison:
  +
|Cisgender. It's the politically correct name for people who aren't transgender. If you identify with the sex you were born with, then you're cis.
  +
|-
  +
!Mr. Mackey:
  +
|But then cisgender-ed is just normal
  +
|-
  +
!Mr. Garrison:
  +
|''[faces Mackey and Victoria]'' Saying "normal" is extremely offensive to people who aren't in that group. ''[gets emphatic]'' Trust me, you don't want this hot potato! Just let him use the girls room!
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|But this isn't a hurting confused child we're talking about. It's Eric Cartman.
  +
|-
  +
!Mr. Garrison:
  +
|Nobody else is gonna know that. You better just give him what he wants.
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|Sooo Eric Cartman just has us in some kind of bathroom checkmate?
  +
|-
  +
!Mr. Garrison:
  +
|Actually, ''[turns around and looks outside again]'' it's more like a royal flush.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The Broflovski house, day. A reporter stops by and rings the doorbell. Gerald opens the door]''
  +
|-
  +
!Reporter:
  +
|Gerald Broflovski?
  +
|-
  +
!Gerald:
  +
|Yes?
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I was hoping you could help me... make sense of somethin'. I understand you had a very large party in your back yard last... last Sunday, was it?
  +
|-
  +
!Gerald:
  +
|That's right. ''[Sheila appears in the background]'' My son and his friends throw a party for a kid with diabetes.
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|I also understand that a very famous pop artist, Lorde, was the entertainment at that party.
  +
|-
  +
!Gerald:
  +
|Oh yeah, yeah, the kids were pretty excited.
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|Well it, eh, it's just a little curious, you know? Why a hugely popular Top-20 artist would play such a... well no offence, but such a humble venue?
  +
|-
  +
!Gerald:
  +
|...Sorry, I don't think I get your-
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|You understand, we deal with a lot of fake stories at Spin. ''[glances at his pen]'' Was just wondering how the boys got someone like Lorde to play.
  +
|-
  +
!Gerald:
  +
|From what I understand, she's the niece of someone's coworker here in town or something.
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|You wouldn't know who?
  +
|-
  +
!Gerald:
  +
|No. Does it really matter?
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|''[slow zoom]'' Lorde is an incredibly talented and down-to-earth young lady. It would be a shame if someone was... having fun at her expense.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The Marsh laundry room. Sharon is sorting clothes. She sees that Steamy Ray Vaughn is still around, from the brown streaks in Randy's briefs. She pulls out the briefs from two pairs of Randy's pants, but is intrigued when she looks into the third pair. She pulls out... some fishnet stockings and her eyes open wide.]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The living room, moments later. Randy's on the couch sipping on Pabst Blue Ribbon.]''
  +
|-
  +
!Sharon:
  +
|''[walks up with the stockings]'' Randy? Whose are these?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|''[sits up]'' Aaah I don't know. Why?
  +
|-
  +
!Sharon:
  +
|Why? Because there's fishnet stockings inside your jeans?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|In my jeans?
  +
|-
  +
!Sharon:
  +
|Randy? Do you have something to tell me?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|''[gives in]'' ...Yeah. I do.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[Girls room, recess, next day. Wendy, Bebe, Red, and a new girl stand with their jackets over their noses, the smell is so bad. Cartman is in there again. The girl looks like the singer Sia, so we'll go with that.]''
  +
|-
  +
!Red:
  +
|''[bangs on the wall on one side of stall 1]'' Come on! You've been in there for twenty minutes!
  +
|-
  +
!Sia:
  +
|Yeah! Recess is almost over!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|There's two more stall in here, gals. Go ahead.
  +
|-
  +
!Sia:
  +
|Not while you're in here!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Oh my God, you guys are so cisginger. Sorry I'm different, but you can just suck my clit AND my balls.
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|Eric, there are people actually struggling with their gender identity and all you're doing is-
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Okay, okay, okay you guys! You know what? You know what? ''[drops a deuce]'' That's what. ''[laughs his ass off. Principal Victoria walks in behind the girls]'' Suck my clit and balls.
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|Erica, I believe we have a solution to this little problem.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|I don't have a problem, Principal Victoria, the cisgenders have the problem. [poops and farts]
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|If it is agreeable to you, Erica, we are going to clear out the janitor's closet and remodel it into a private bathroom just for you! ''[Cartman farts one last time, cleans up, and leaves the stall]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Excuse me, are you talking about... my own special executive bathroom?
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|Would that be agreeable to you?
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|OH MY GOD!
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|That isn't fair!
  +
|-
  +
!Red:
  +
|Wendy, just go with it!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Yeah, just go with it, Wendy, cisginger bitch! Of course, being forced into my own isolated will probably be somewhat traumatic for me. I might have to approve certain aspects of this... solitary location.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The janitor's closet. Cartman plans out his new restroom with an interior designer]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Yeah sooo I'm thinking of water feature here, you know. get the sound of running water, yeah kind of Zen it out.
  +
|-
  +
!Designer:
  +
|Uh huh, well why don't you put the water feature on this side?
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Oh on that side?
  +
|-
  +
!Designer:
  +
|You know, because you've already got AC over here and that leaves this open for some nice big piece of art on this wall.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Oh I like that. That's gonna look nice, yeah.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The Marsh house, night. Randy enters his garage, pulls out his phone, and taps in a number. Someone picks up]''
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Yeah, listen. I don't know if I can keep doing this. My wife is starting to suspect something. I just had to tell her I like the way fishnets feel.
  +
|-
  +
!Record Executive:
  +
|''[in his chair at his desk, facing away from the camera]'' I know your wife means a lot to you, Randy, ''[turns around in his chair]'' but you can't leave us hanging. You've got the purest shit out there; it's worth a lot to us.
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|You think you're gonna get a good product when I can't even think?!
  +
|-
  +
!Record Executive:
  +
|How many times have you said "I think I've lost it" and everything turned out to be okay?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Every time?
  +
|-
  +
!Record Executive:
  +
|Every time. Come on. Get back to work and see. If you get panicked again, call me.
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Yeah. Yeah I will. Yup. ''[hangs up. He walks up to a poster and moves it to one side, revealing a hole in the wall with stacks of bills inside. He pulls out some more bills from his back pocket and adds them to the stacks]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The Record Executive's office. A young man walks in. The executive looks out the window]''
  +
|-
  +
!Ron:
  +
|You wanted to see me?
  +
|-
  +
!Record Executive:
  +
|Sit down, Ron. ''[Ron sits]'' Whattaya know about one of our artists, Lorde?
  +
|-
  +
!Ron:
  +
|''[shrugs]'' Seventeen-year-old girl from New Zealand, great songwriter, ''[shrugs]'' humble.
  +
|-
  +
!Record Executive:
  +
|Wrong. ''[turns to face him]'' She's a 45-year-old man in Colorado.
  +
|-
  +
!Ron:
  +
|What?
  +
|-
  +
!Record Executive:
  +
|He writes the songs, sends us the demos, we fudge them, sell them as a brooding 17-year-old girl way ahead of her time, and nobody knows the difference.
  +
|-
  +
!Ron:
  +
|Huh. ''[the realisation sinks in]'' Holy shit.
  +
|-
  +
!Record Executive:
  +
|He makes good stuff. Stuff that sells. But he's getting edgy feet. I want you to keep an eye on him. And if anyone around him seems like they're close to finding out the truth, well... you know what to do.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The Marsh house, master bedroom. Randy's at the foot of the bed with guitar in hand and some lyrics on the bed]''
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Lorde Lorde Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde I am Lorde. I am L- I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde.
  +
|-
  +
!Sharon:
  +
|''[appears at the bedroom door]'' Randy?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|''[drops the guitar and gathers up his sheets]'' I, I, thought you were at the grocery store. ''[chuckles]''
  +
|-
  +
!Sharon:
  +
|I was. Can you help me unload the car? ''[turns left and walks away]''
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Help me unload the c-car. Help me unload, load the car. Yah yah yah. Unloadin'. Unload yah yah yah.
  +
|-
  +
!Sharon:
  +
|''[comes back and peeks inside]'' Randy?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|''[loses his sheets]'' Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Coming. ''[follows her to the car]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[South Park Elementary, day. A new restroom, Other, replaces the janitor's closet. A workman drills in the final screws for the OTHER sign. Butters and Craig observe him, Craig and Token walk up. The workman finishes up as Stan arrives]''
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|What is that?
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|That's Cartman's new transgender bathroom.
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|Cartman's a girl now?
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|He's not a woman, he's not a man, he is something that you'll never understand. But he would die for me. ''[turns around and walks away.]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|''[rushes up]'' It it done?! It is all ready?! Alright alright, move aside everybody, move aside please. I gotta go. ''[opens the door, looks inside and grins. Inside is one of the fanciest restrooms one will ever see. Icicle lights all around, waterfall to the left, fancy commode to the right, plush towels and toilet seat cover. Triumphant music plays]'' Oh! Ahm. This is gonna be so awesome. ''[closes and locks the door]'' Aha! Lock! Privacy. Oh, this is gonna feel so good! ''[claps twice - he's got the Clapper feature in there. The lights dim and Vivaldi's Spring begins to play]'' Perfect. ''[reaches over for a cat-o-five-tails and begins whipping the toilet with it]'' Yeah, you're gonna take it. You're all alone now, toilet. Nobody can hear you scream. Yeah, you're gonna open wide. ''[the kids nearby just stand there shocked]'' You're gonna TAKE your punishment! That's right! Get ready! ''[remembers there are people outside]'' Oh my God, this is so awesome you guys! It's just like at home!
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Nelson is at the bar. Brandon Carlile appears nearby]''
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|Peter Nelson?
  +
|-
  +
!Nelson:
  +
|Yes?
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|''[pulls up a stool next to him]'' Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I understand you work at the U.S. Geological Survey?
  +
|-
  +
!Nelson:
  +
|Yeah, that's right.
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|I also understand that you're the uncle of the amazing and talented songwriter, Lorde?
  +
|-
  +
!Nelson:
  +
|''[sighs]'' Alright, look, I am not her uncle. I I just work with her, okay?
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|Work with her? How? ''[they move to a booth for some privacy]''
  +
|-
  +
!Nelson:
  +
|I like Lorde. Uh she's really nice and really talented. But she lives a double life.
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|How's that?
  +
|-
  +
!Nelson:
  +
|Lorde isn't just a singer, she's also a very talented scientist who specialises in fluvial geomorphology.
  +
|-
  +
!Brandon Carlile:
  +
|The what?
  +
|-
  +
!Nelson:
  +
|She just showed up one day at the office and started filling in for a guy who started working part time. She's a good geologist. When her music career took off we thought she'd be gone, but she still shows up. Usually right after lunch. ''[Brandon tries to figure out what to write, but draws a blank]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[South Park Elementary. Cartman walks down the hallway singing to himself]''
  +
|-
  +
!Clyde:
  +
|Hey Cartman. Heard you're transgender.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Yup! You know what Hillary says: "You can suck my clit and balls." ''[goes into his bathroom]''
  +
|-
  +
!Red:
  +
|''[talking to Bebe nearby]'' Well I know I'm not even gonna get it done. I swear, he gives us too much homework anyway. I-
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|Hey guys. ''[all look and stare. Wendy walks down the hallway dressed in t-shirt and vest, purple pants, hair pinned back.]''
  +
|-
  +
!Red:
  +
|...Wendy?
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|How's it hanging'?
  +
|-
  +
!Craig:
  +
|Whoa..
  +
|-
  +
!Jenny:
  +
|Huh?
  +
|-
  +
!Jason:
  +
|Whoa, wait, is that?
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|Holy moly! [Wendy pulls out a key and goes into the Other bathroom]
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Hey, what the fuck, dude?! Do you mind? This is occupied!
  +
|-
  +
!Wendy:
  +
|It's cool. I'll wait.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Dude, this is my fuckin' bathroom!
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Wendy and Cartman are present]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|I want her suspended, and I want charges brought up for sexual harassment!
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|I'm sorry Erica, but I spoke with Wendyl this morning and she's not comfortable-
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Wendyl?! Fucking Wendyl?! Grow up, Wendy!
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|You'll just have to share, Eric. Why can't you understand that?
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Because I don't want a chick watching me go poo!
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|I thought you were a chick.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|No! I identify as a chick, but I'm still a boy. You can't make me share a bathroom with a girl that identifies herself as a fucking dude! ''[thinks for a few seconds]'' That is MY waterfall, and those are MY Christmas lights!
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[South Park Elementary, later. Stan is at his locker]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|''[runs up to Stan]'' Dude! You need to put a tighter leash on your dog!
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|''[surprised]'' What?
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?! ''[Stan looks around]'' Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! Stan-an's a gir-rl! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you! ''[walks away]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[Shelly's room, evening. Randy knocks at her door]''
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Shelly, that's enough time on your phone.
  +
|-
  +
!Shelly:
  +
|Leave me alone, Dad! Stop nagging me all the time!
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|You know we're all cutting down on phone time.
  +
|-
  +
!Shelly:
  +
|''[sits up]'' Don't limit me! You don't even understand me!
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|''[sees a poster of himself as Lorde]'' Yeah. I don't understand you at all. A lot you know. ''[walks away saddened]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The Marsh garage, moments later. Randy is adding more stacks to the stacks of bills he's hidden behind the poster. A door opens and Randy quickly seals up the hole. He gets to his workbench just as Stan closes the door.]''
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|Uh hey Dad. I need to talk to you.
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Oh really? About... about what?
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|Dad, is it possible for someone to be one way on the outside but totally different on the inside? ''[Randy sighs deeply and stands up to walk]'' I mean, can someone identify as one sex but be something else but still have it be nothing about sex?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Yes. Yes, Stan. I am Lorde.
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|...What?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|It started off so simple. There's a guy at work. Hanson. He would use the bathroom and just blow the thing up, you know? Not only that, but he was in there all the time! I finally got fed up and pretended to be a woman. I called myself Lorde. Have you ever been in a woman's bathroom, Stan? It's all clean and there's enough stalls for everyone. It was so freeing. I started singing while I was in there, and then I- started writing things down.
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|Well you said you knew a guy at work who was Lorde's uncle.
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Yah, that's my cover.
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|The chick that wrote the theme song to the new Hunger Games, is you?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Yeah. ''[turns around and faces Stan]'' The record company messed it all up. It was supposed to go "Hunger Games, yah yah yah, yah yah yah! Hunger Games." But they just- do what they want with my songs.
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|Wha-wait, Lorde sounds like a girl.
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Autotune. Wanna see how I do it? ''[moments later, a music program pops up. Twelve tracks are shown at lower left]'' I come up with all my best stuff in the bathroom at work. I use this program to import the recordings I make on my phone. ''[plays the highlighted track]'' "Yeah yeah, feeling good on a Wednesday. Sparklinnnnn' thoughts. Givin' me the hope to go ohhhn" ''[farts and poop noises]'' "Oh! Whoa. What I need now is a little bit of shelter."
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|Dad, Lorde's music is actually really good.
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Thanks. But it gets even better when I add the drum loops. ''[replays the same track with drum loops added]'' Then with the computer I can actually quantize everything. ''[brings up the quantizer and chooses his settings]'' Backup instruments. ''[scale, beats, bass, tambourine, guitars, strings]'' And then finally I use the Autotune. ''["Auto-Tuner v10." He chooses his settings there, and the song is transformed. The same track is now enhanced with female voices and no trace of Randy]'' "Sparklin' thoughts, feelin' good on a Wednesday. Givin' me the hope, givin' givin' me the hope to go ohhhn. What I need is a little bit of shelter." ''[this is all too much for Stan to take in, and he passes out. Randy notices]'' Stan?
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[South Park Elementary, next day. Stan is in the hallway looking at the restrooms, weighing his options]''
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|''[walks past Stan, then stops]'' Hey! Everything okay, Stan?
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|...I don't know where I belong...
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|Just hold it. That's what I do now. ''[continues on his way. Stan walks towards the girls room, but veers left to look at the boys room. Then he spins round and walks to the Other room, whips out his key for it, and goes in.]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Hey, what the fuck dude?! God fucking damn it!
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Cartman are present]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Why don't we just have everyone use the transgenger bathroom?!
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|Stanley, do you have a reason for not using the boys bathroom?
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|I, I just... Two people close to me are having gender identity issues and I'm, I'm confused.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|He's cisginger! He's so cis he wears a jockstrap to bed at night!
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[U.S. Geological Survey, Colorado, day. Quite the busy office space. At the boss's office, someone knocks and opens his door]''
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|''[in his Lorde attire.]'' You wanted to see me, boss?
  +
|-
  +
!Boss:
  +
|Yes. Please have a seat, Lorde.
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|''[closes the door and sits next to a woman]'' Hi Carol.
  +
|-
  +
!Carol:
  +
|''[avoiding eye contact]'' Lorde.
  +
|-
  +
!Boss:
  +
|Lorde, we're all big fans of your music and we think the world of you for staying and working here even after your music career took off.
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|Well, my music and fluvial geomorphology are intertwined.
  +
|-
  +
!Boss:
  +
|Amazing, yeah. Uh... Lorde... for some time now the females at this office have been pressuring me to... uh... find your own space... to go to the bathroom. ''[a few seconds of silence]'' Everyone loves you, but we thought it would be great if you had your very own executive bathroom. ''[whips out an executive key]''
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|I like the women's bathroom. I feel safe there. Being able to use that bathroom is critical to my identity, to my music.
  +
|-
  +
!Carol:
  +
|My girls are big fans of your music, Lorde, but the women here aren't comfortable sharing a bathroom with ''[stops herself immediately]''
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|With what? ''[moments of awkward glances follow]'' With what? ''[getting no answer, he gets up and leaves.]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[E! breaking news]''
  +
|-
  +
!Announcer:
  +
|You are watching E! Entertainment News! That's how low you've sunk.
  +
|-
  +
!Anchor:
  +
|It's been several days and still there's no sign of the pop singer Lorde. The singer went dark on Twitter claiming severe depression, and stating ''[the statement goes up on screen]'' "I realize now that I make people uncomfortable. I need to give this up and go back to just being the old me." Spin Magazine is claiming they know the reason for the sudden exit, and will be releasing a tell-all article about the troubled artist next week.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks down the crowded hall when he's stopped by Cartman]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Oh, here he comes, everyone! It's the cisginger! Think you can harass transgingers and use their bathroom?!
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|Yeah, what's the big idea harassing Erica, Stan?!
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|At this school, it doesn't matter if you're trans or you're cis, right guys?! ''[the other kids agree, but not strongly]'' What we have a problem with are cisgingers who are intolerant! You know what we call those? Cissies!
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|Yeah! Stan's a big old fat cissy!
  +
|-
  +
!Clyde:
  +
|''[steps forward]'' Awe, come on, lay off him guys.
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|Oh, what are you?! A cissy too, Clyde?!
  +
|-
  +
!Clyde:
  +
|No, no, just he is. ''[retreats and walks away]''
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[The Marsh house, day, backyard. Randy sits at a picnic table alone with his thoughts and a beer. Sharon walks out]''
  +
|-
  +
!Sharon:
  +
|You just gonna drink beer alone all day?
  +
|-
  +
!Randy:
  +
|It's okay, it's gluten free.
  +
|-
  +
!Sharon:
  +
|All right. ''[turns around and goes back towards the house, but stops and looks back]'' Do you know why young people like Lorde so much. ''[Randy sits up and looks over his shoulder]'' It's because she's something different. Kids have had pop music artists flash tits and crotch in their face, and most kids are actually smart enough to be sick of it. Lorde represents something in all of us, the truth that wants to be heard. If I could talk to Lorde right now, you know what I'd tell her? I'd tell her not to let people change who she is. I'd tell her that if people are making fun of her, it's probably because they lost touch with being human. I'd tell her to keep on doing what she does, because when someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose. That's... what I would say to Lorde. ''[goes back inside the house and closes the sliding door]''
  +
|-
  +
!"Lorde":
  +
|<poem><i>[Randy's finished song, "Feelin' Good On A Wednesday / Push"]
  +
Feelin' good on a Wednesday
  +
  +
The image of me that you see
  +
Is distorted, twisted, broken, fractured
  +
Isolated, miles out to sea
  +
I don't want a separate place.
  +
I need to feel safe, not thrown away, away, away.
  +
  +
And I will push (push)
  +
To tear down the walls (push, push)
  +
Of this box you put me in (push, push)
  +
Because you don't undertand
  +
(push ow hot, push ow ow hot) You push
  +
To find a label that fits me.
  +
I'm feelin' good on a Wednesday
  +
With sparklin' thoughts
  +
Help me unload the car, yah yah yah
  +
  +
And so I push
  +
To close the door
  +
Of the stall you've made for me,
  +
To keep me away.
  +
And now we push
  +
Push to stand together
  +
Because I am Lorde (yah yah yah)
  +
Yah yah yah, I am Lorde
  +
I am Lorde, yah yah yah
  +
Yah yah yah, I am Lorde
  +
Yah yah yah
  +
Yah yah yah, I am Lorde
  +
  +
Yah yah yah
  +
  +
[While the song plays, the following happens: camera closes in on Randy's face, then on a toilet. Some of the lyrics scroll past. Stan looks at the restrooms again. More lyrics. The demos are playing for the record producer and Ron, and they like it. More lyrics. Two sisters listen to the song on an iPhone in the kitchen. Their mother Carol looks on from the doorway. She returns to the office the next day and stops the boss from putting up the transgender sign on a bathroom. They both listen to the song, and like it. Shelly is wearing her headphones joyfully dancing to the song. Randy looks in and smiles. Principal Victoria waves a pencil around as if she were conducting an arrangement for this song. Wendy is listening to it with two friends in her bedroom. Butters is in his own room wearing a pink tutu and dancing away. More lyrics. Brandon Carlile is at his desk looking at his article. He moves to delete it, and it's gone. He shuts down his computer and leaves]</i></poem>
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[South Park Elementary Gymnasium. Principal Victoria is going to announce something. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Mackey sit off to one side]''
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|And so it is with great pride that I can announce the student body has elected to get rid of the transgender bathroom, and give any fellow student the right to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in. ''[cheering erupts from the students]''
  +
|-
  +
!Cartman:
  +
|I don't wanna use the girls bathroom if anyone can use it! It's gonna be all crowded. ''[pulls off his bow and throws it to the ground.]''
  +
|-
  +
!Principal Victoria:
  +
|Anyone who has a problem sharing a bathroom with people who might be transgender will have to use the special designated bathroom designed to keep them away from the normal people who don't care.
  +
|-
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[South Park Elementary, hallway. Stan heads for the boys room when Butters exits]''
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|Hey! Where do you think you're going?!
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|To the bathroom?
  +
|-
  +
!Butters:
  +
|Oh no you don't! You've gotta use the cissy bathroom! ''[points to the Cissies bathroom, which used to be the Other bathroom]'' Well go on, cissy! ''[Stan walks over to the cissies bathroom and goes in. Butters smiles and walks away. The cissies bathroom is just the Other bathroom with a new plaque on it. Stan claps twice and the lights go down. Vivaldi's "Spring" plays]''
  +
|-
  +
!Stan:
  +
|Wow, this is is pretty nice. ''[drops trousers and settles in, then begins singing]''
  +
<poem>Feelin' good on a Monday.
  +
Got my space, all the freedom I need.
  +
Yah yah yah
  +
By myself, yah yah yah</poem>
  +
!
  +
|bgcolor="#{{Color3}}"|''[End of '''The Cissy'''.]''
  +
|-
  +
|}
  +
  +
==Reference==
  +
{{cite web|url=http://www.spscriptorium.com/Season18/E1803script.htm|title=Episode 1803 - The Cissy|date=2014-10-10|publisher=spscriptorium.com}}
 
[[Category:Scripts from Season Eighteen]]
  
[[Category:Scripts from Season Eighteen]]

Revision as of 01:21, 13 October 2014


Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Craig Tucker
  • Jason
  • Jenny
  • Red
  • Sia
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Principal Victoria
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Shelly Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Randy's Boss
  • Carol, Randy's coworker
  • Peter Nelson
  • E! Anchor and Announcer
  • Brandon Carlile, Spin Magazine reporter
  • Interior Designer for Cartman's personal restroom
  • Record Executive and Ron

Script

[The bus stop, morning. The boys wait for the bus, but Cartman seems particularly steamed today. His right hand is in his jacket pocket, and angry music plays]
Cartman: [thinking] Another morning. Waiting for the run-down school bus to take me to the run-down school. But today is the day I finally have the guts to do what I should've done a long time ago. [looks down at Stan's feet, than at Kyle's] Nobody notices what I have in my front pocket. A little surprise for them all. [Stan notices and looks. Cartman notices Stan and shoves his hand further into his pocket. Stan looks at Cartman and steps away from him.] I'm prepared for this, but still I wonder.. Will I have the guts to go through with it? Damn right I will! [Kyle notices Cartman's anger]
Kyle: Are you okay, Cartman?
Cartman: [brightens up] Yeah I'm good. How are you, Kyle? [settles into angry funk again and thinks] They're all gonna pay! Every day they pushed me and pushed, and if it happens again today, it's going to be the last time. [Kyle and Kenny look at each other, then they look at Cartman] We'll find out today at recess, won't we? Oh yes, we'll find out today at recess.
[South Park Elementary, a couple hours later. Cartman heads for the boys room and enters. He has some magazines with him]
Butters: [at the urinal, pants down] Hey Eric! I'm not suspended no more.
Cartman: Good for you. [tries to get into the first stall, but finds it locked]
Butters: [looks over] I think someone's in there.
Cartman: No! God damn it no! [pounds on the door] Who's takin' a shit?!
Craig: Occupied.
Cartman: I called dibs on Stall 1 for all recess, Craig!
Craig: You can't call dibs on a toilet.
Cartman: Son of a bitch! [moves on to Stall 2, tries to open it, and finds it locked too.] Oh no! NO NO NO! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!
Kyle: Then don't eat 14 Egg waffles for lunch, fatass!
Cartman: Alright, that does it! [turns around and walks toward the door] I'm sick of this shit and I'm not gonna be [throws his magazines to the floor] taking it any longer! [reaches into his jacket pocket] You all pushed me to this! [pulls out a pink bow and plops it on to his hat, then continues out the door. Butters just looks on. Cartman leaves the boys room and enters the girls room. Wendy and Bebe are at the mirror. Wendy is quick to notice, and then faces him. Cartman heads for a stall and Wendy block him]
Wendy: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Cartman: I'm going to the potty.
Wendy: This is the girls bathroom!
Cartman: Alright, I need to tell you something, Wendy. I'm transginger.
Wendy: WHAT?!
Cartman: Did you notice the bow? [points to it] I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth, so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice. Now get out of my way. I have to take a shit. [barges into Stall 1, locks it, drops his pants, and sits down. Wendy shrugs with her palms up. The first poop falls and Wendy and Bebe recoil] Aaahhh!
Wendy: GET OUT OF HERE!
Cartman: Don't give me any more issues than I already have, Wendy! [drops another deuce] Oh wow, this is nice in here. The girls bathroom is a lot cleaner than the boys. [groans to get another deuce out, followed by a fart. Red comes out of Stall 2]
Red: What the hell is that?!
Wendy: Cartman is using our bathroom!
Cartman: Dude, this is awesome. I should've used the girls bathroom a long time ago.
Red: Hey! I'm gonna tell on you!
Cartman: It's okay, Red. I can take a shit here. I'm a dumb chick too. [farts and poops some more]
[Principal's office, moments later]
Principal Victoria: I want to know just what makes you think it's okay to go inside the girls bathroom!
Cartman: Because I'm transginger. I looked it up: that means I can use the girls shitter.
Principal Victoria: You are not transgender, Eric! You don't even know what that means!
Cartman: Yeah uh huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion because society sees me as a boy but I'm really a girl.
Principal Victoria: All right, well if you identify yourself as a girl, you must find yourself attracted to boys. Is that right?!
Cartman: That's actually not true. I can be transginger without it having anything to do with the ginger I'm attracted to. Check the state bylaws.
Principal Victoria: Alright, listen Eric!
Cartman: Erica.
Principal Victoria: Listen Eric! You must know why we can't have you in the girls bathroom!
Cartman: All I know is I'm transginger, and you can't make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers.
Principal Victoria: With the what?!
[Faculty room, later. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey sit at the table as Mr. Garrison looks outside]
Mr. Garrison: Cisgender. It's the politically correct name for people who aren't transgender. If you identify with the sex you were born with, then you're cis.
Mr. Mackey: But then cisgender-ed is just normal
Mr. Garrison: [faces Mackey and Victoria] Saying "normal" is extremely offensive to people who aren't in that group. [gets emphatic] Trust me, you don't want this hot potato! Just let him use the girls room!
Principal Victoria: But this isn't a hurting confused child we're talking about. It's Eric Cartman.
Mr. Garrison: Nobody else is gonna know that. You better just give him what he wants.
Principal Victoria: Sooo Eric Cartman just has us in some kind of bathroom checkmate?
Mr. Garrison: Actually, [turns around and looks outside again] it's more like a royal flush.
[The Broflovski house, day. A reporter stops by and rings the doorbell. Gerald opens the door]
Reporter: Gerald Broflovski?
Gerald: Yes?
Brandon Carlile: Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I was hoping you could help me... make sense of somethin'. I understand you had a very large party in your back yard last... last Sunday, was it?
Gerald: That's right. [Sheila appears in the background] My son and his friends throw a party for a kid with diabetes.
Brandon Carlile: I also understand that a very famous pop artist, Lorde, was the entertainment at that party.
Gerald: Oh yeah, yeah, the kids were pretty excited.
Brandon Carlile: Well it, eh, it's just a little curious, you know? Why a hugely popular Top-20 artist would play such a... well no offence, but such a humble venue?
Gerald: ...Sorry, I don't think I get your-
Brandon Carlile: You understand, we deal with a lot of fake stories at Spin. [glances at his pen] Was just wondering how the boys got someone like Lorde to play.
Gerald: From what I understand, she's the niece of someone's coworker here in town or something.
Brandon Carlile: You wouldn't know who?
Gerald: No. Does it really matter?
Brandon Carlile: [slow zoom] Lorde is an incredibly talented and down-to-earth young lady. It would be a shame if someone was... having fun at her expense.
[The Marsh laundry room. Sharon is sorting clothes. She sees that Steamy Ray Vaughn is still around, from the brown streaks in Randy's briefs. She pulls out the briefs from two pairs of Randy's pants, but is intrigued when she looks into the third pair. She pulls out... some fishnet stockings and her eyes open wide.]
[The living room, moments later. Randy's on the couch sipping on Pabst Blue Ribbon.]
Sharon: [walks up with the stockings] Randy? Whose are these?
Randy: [sits up] Aaah I don't know. Why?
Sharon: Why? Because there's fishnet stockings inside your jeans?
Randy: In my jeans?
Sharon: Randy? Do you have something to tell me?
Randy: [gives in] ...Yeah. I do.
[Girls room, recess, next day. Wendy, Bebe, Red, and a new girl stand with their jackets over their noses, the smell is so bad. Cartman is in there again. The girl looks like the singer Sia, so we'll go with that.]
Red: [bangs on the wall on one side of stall 1] Come on! You've been in there for twenty minutes!
Sia: Yeah! Recess is almost over!
Cartman: There's two more stall in here, gals. Go ahead.
Sia: Not while you're in here!
Cartman: Oh my God, you guys are so cisginger. Sorry I'm different, but you can just suck my clit AND my balls.
Wendy: Eric, there are people actually struggling with their gender identity and all you're doing is-
Cartman: Okay, okay, okay you guys! You know what? You know what? [drops a deuce] That's what. [laughs his ass off. Principal Victoria walks in behind the girls] Suck my clit and balls.
Principal Victoria: Erica, I believe we have a solution to this little problem.
Cartman: I don't have a problem, Principal Victoria, the cisgenders have the problem. [poops and farts]
Principal Victoria: If it is agreeable to you, Erica, we are going to clear out the janitor's closet and remodel it into a private bathroom just for you! [Cartman farts one last time, cleans up, and leaves the stall]
Cartman: Excuse me, are you talking about... my own special executive bathroom?
Principal Victoria: Would that be agreeable to you?
Cartman: OH MY GOD!
Wendy: That isn't fair!
Red: Wendy, just go with it!
Cartman: Yeah, just go with it, Wendy, cisginger bitch! Of course, being forced into my own isolated will probably be somewhat traumatic for me. I might have to approve certain aspects of this... solitary location.
[The janitor's closet. Cartman plans out his new restroom with an interior designer]
Cartman: Yeah sooo I'm thinking of water feature here, you know. get the sound of running water, yeah kind of Zen it out.
Designer: Uh huh, well why don't you put the water feature on this side?
Cartman: Oh on that side?
Designer: You know, because you've already got AC over here and that leaves this open for some nice big piece of art on this wall.
Cartman: Oh I like that. That's gonna look nice, yeah.
[The Marsh house, night. Randy enters his garage, pulls out his phone, and taps in a number. Someone picks up]
Randy: Yeah, listen. I don't know if I can keep doing this. My wife is starting to suspect something. I just had to tell her I like the way fishnets feel.
Record Executive: [in his chair at his desk, facing away from the camera] I know your wife means a lot to you, Randy, [turns around in his chair] but you can't leave us hanging. You've got the purest shit out there; it's worth a lot to us.
Randy: You think you're gonna get a good product when I can't even think?!
Record Executive: How many times have you said "I think I've lost it" and everything turned out to be okay?
Randy: Every time?
Record Executive: Every time. Come on. Get back to work and see. If you get panicked again, call me.
Randy: Yeah. Yeah I will. Yup. [hangs up. He walks up to a poster and moves it to one side, revealing a hole in the wall with stacks of bills inside. He pulls out some more bills from his back pocket and adds them to the stacks]
[The Record Executive's office. A young man walks in. The executive looks out the window]
Ron: You wanted to see me?
Record Executive: Sit down, Ron. [Ron sits] Whattaya know about one of our artists, Lorde?
Ron: [shrugs] Seventeen-year-old girl from New Zealand, great songwriter, [shrugs] humble.
Record Executive: Wrong. [turns to face him] She's a 45-year-old man in Colorado.
Ron: What?
Record Executive: He writes the songs, sends us the demos, we fudge them, sell them as a brooding 17-year-old girl way ahead of her time, and nobody knows the difference.
Ron: Huh. [the realisation sinks in] Holy shit.
Record Executive: He makes good stuff. Stuff that sells. But he's getting edgy feet. I want you to keep an eye on him. And if anyone around him seems like they're close to finding out the truth, well... you know what to do.
[The Marsh house, master bedroom. Randy's at the foot of the bed with guitar in hand and some lyrics on the bed]
Randy: Lorde Lorde Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde I am Lorde. I am L- I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde.
Sharon: [appears at the bedroom door] Randy?
Randy: [drops the guitar and gathers up his sheets] I, I, thought you were at the grocery store. [chuckles]
Sharon: I was. Can you help me unload the car? [turns left and walks away]
Randy: Help me unload the c-car. Help me unload, load the car. Yah yah yah. Unloadin'. Unload yah yah yah.
Sharon: [comes back and peeks inside] Randy?
Randy: [loses his sheets] Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Coming. [follows her to the car]
[South Park Elementary, day. A new restroom, Other, replaces the janitor's closet. A workman drills in the final screws for the OTHER sign. Butters and Craig observe him, Craig and Token walk up. The workman finishes up as Stan arrives]
Stan: What is that?
Butters: That's Cartman's new transgender bathroom.
Stan: Cartman's a girl now?
Butters: He's not a woman, he's not a man, he is something that you'll never understand. But he would die for me. [turns around and walks away.]
Cartman: [rushes up] It it done?! It is all ready?! Alright alright, move aside everybody, move aside please. I gotta go. [opens the door, looks inside and grins. Inside is one of the fanciest restrooms one will ever see. Icicle lights all around, waterfall to the left, fancy commode to the right, plush towels and toilet seat cover. Triumphant music plays] Oh! Ahm. This is gonna be so awesome. [closes and locks the door] Aha! Lock! Privacy. Oh, this is gonna feel so good! [claps twice - he's got the Clapper feature in there. The lights dim and Vivaldi's Spring begins to play] Perfect. [reaches over for a cat-o-five-tails and begins whipping the toilet with it] Yeah, you're gonna take it. You're all alone now, toilet. Nobody can hear you scream. Yeah, you're gonna open wide. [the kids nearby just stand there shocked] You're gonna TAKE your punishment! That's right! Get ready! [remembers there are people outside] Oh my God, this is so awesome you guys! It's just like at home!
[Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Nelson is at the bar. Brandon Carlile appears nearby]
Brandon Carlile: Peter Nelson?
Nelson: Yes?
Brandon Carlile: [pulls up a stool next to him] Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I understand you work at the U.S. Geological Survey?
Nelson: Yeah, that's right.
Brandon Carlile: I also understand that you're the uncle of the amazing and talented songwriter, Lorde?
Nelson: [sighs] Alright, look, I am not her uncle. I I just work with her, okay?
Brandon Carlile: Work with her? How? [they move to a booth for some privacy]
Nelson: I like Lorde. Uh she's really nice and really talented. But she lives a double life.
Brandon Carlile: How's that?
Nelson: Lorde isn't just a singer, she's also a very talented scientist who specialises in fluvial geomorphology.
Brandon Carlile: The what?
Nelson: She just showed up one day at the office and started filling in for a guy who started working part time. She's a good geologist. When her music career took off we thought she'd be gone, but she still shows up. Usually right after lunch. [Brandon tries to figure out what to write, but draws a blank]
[South Park Elementary. Cartman walks down the hallway singing to himself]
Clyde: Hey Cartman. Heard you're transgender.
Cartman: Yup! You know what Hillary says: "You can suck my clit and balls." [goes into his bathroom]
Red: [talking to Bebe nearby] Well I know I'm not even gonna get it done. I swear, he gives us too much homework anyway. I-
Wendy: Hey guys. [all look and stare. Wendy walks down the hallway dressed in t-shirt and vest, purple pants, hair pinned back.]
Red: ...Wendy?
Wendy: How's it hanging'?
Craig: Whoa..
Jenny: Huh?
Jason: Whoa, wait, is that?
Butters: Holy moly! [Wendy pulls out a key and goes into the Other bathroom]
Cartman: Hey, what the fuck, dude?! Do you mind? This is occupied!
Wendy: It's cool. I'll wait.
Cartman: Dude, this is my fuckin' bathroom!
[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Wendy and Cartman are present]
Cartman: I want her suspended, and I want charges brought up for sexual harassment!
Principal Victoria: I'm sorry Erica, but I spoke with Wendyl this morning and she's not comfortable-
Cartman: Wendyl?! Fucking Wendyl?! Grow up, Wendy!
Principal Victoria: You'll just have to share, Eric. Why can't you understand that?
Cartman: Because I don't want a chick watching me go poo!
Principal Victoria: I thought you were a chick.
Cartman: No! I identify as a chick, but I'm still a boy. You can't make me share a bathroom with a girl that identifies herself as a fucking dude! [thinks for a few seconds] That is MY waterfall, and those are MY Christmas lights!
[South Park Elementary, later. Stan is at his locker]
Cartman: [runs up to Stan] Dude! You need to put a tighter leash on your dog!
Stan: [surprised] What?
Cartman: Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?! [Stan looks around] Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! Stan-an's a gir-rl! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you! [walks away]
[Shelly's room, evening. Randy knocks at her door]
Randy: Shelly, that's enough time on your phone.
Shelly: Leave me alone, Dad! Stop nagging me all the time!
Randy: You know we're all cutting down on phone time.
Shelly: [sits up] Don't limit me! You don't even understand me!
Randy: [sees a poster of himself as Lorde] Yeah. I don't understand you at all. A lot you know. [walks away saddened]
[The Marsh garage, moments later. Randy is adding more stacks to the stacks of bills he's hidden behind the poster. A door opens and Randy quickly seals up the hole. He gets to his workbench just as Stan closes the door.]
Stan: Uh hey Dad. I need to talk to you.
Randy: Oh really? About... about what?
Stan: Dad, is it possible for someone to be one way on the outside but totally different on the inside? [Randy sighs deeply and stands up to walk] I mean, can someone identify as one sex but be something else but still have it be nothing about sex?
Randy: Yes. Yes, Stan. I am Lorde.
Stan: ...What?
Randy: It started off so simple. There's a guy at work. Hanson. He would use the bathroom and just blow the thing up, you know? Not only that, but he was in there all the time! I finally got fed up and pretended to be a woman. I called myself Lorde. Have you ever been in a woman's bathroom, Stan? It's all clean and there's enough stalls for everyone. It was so freeing. I started singing while I was in there, and then I- started writing things down.
Stan: Well you said you knew a guy at work who was Lorde's uncle.
Randy: Yah, that's my cover.
Stan: The chick that wrote the theme song to the new Hunger Games, is you?
Randy: Yeah. [turns around and faces Stan] The record company messed it all up. It was supposed to go "Hunger Games, yah yah yah, yah yah yah! Hunger Games." But they just- do what they want with my songs.
Stan: Wha-wait, Lorde sounds like a girl.
Randy: Autotune. Wanna see how I do it? [moments later, a music program pops up. Twelve tracks are shown at lower left] I come up with all my best stuff in the bathroom at work. I use this program to import the recordings I make on my phone. [plays the highlighted track] "Yeah yeah, feeling good on a Wednesday. Sparklinnnnn' thoughts. Givin' me the hope to go ohhhn" [farts and poop noises] "Oh! Whoa. What I need now is a little bit of shelter."
Stan: Dad, Lorde's music is actually really good.
Randy: Thanks. But it gets even better when I add the drum loops. [replays the same track with drum loops added] Then with the computer I can actually quantize everything. [brings up the quantizer and chooses his settings] Backup instruments. [scale, beats, bass, tambourine, guitars, strings] And then finally I use the Autotune. ["Auto-Tuner v10." He chooses his settings there, and the song is transformed. The same track is now enhanced with female voices and no trace of Randy] "Sparklin' thoughts, feelin' good on a Wednesday. Givin' me the hope, givin' givin' me the hope to go ohhhn. What I need is a little bit of shelter." [this is all too much for Stan to take in, and he passes out. Randy notices] Stan?
[South Park Elementary, next day. Stan is in the hallway looking at the restrooms, weighing his options]
Butters: [walks past Stan, then stops] Hey! Everything okay, Stan?
Stan: ...I don't know where I belong...
Butters: Just hold it. That's what I do now. [continues on his way. Stan walks towards the girls room, but veers left to look at the boys room. Then he spins round and walks to the Other room, whips out his key for it, and goes in.]
Cartman: Hey, what the fuck dude?! God fucking damn it!
[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Cartman are present]
Cartman: Why don't we just have everyone use the transgenger bathroom?!
Principal Victoria: Stanley, do you have a reason for not using the boys bathroom?
Stan: I, I just... Two people close to me are having gender identity issues and I'm, I'm confused.
Cartman: He's cisginger! He's so cis he wears a jockstrap to bed at night!
[U.S. Geological Survey, Colorado, day. Quite the busy office space. At the boss's office, someone knocks and opens his door]
Randy: [in his Lorde attire.] You wanted to see me, boss?
Boss: Yes. Please have a seat, Lorde.
Randy: [closes the door and sits next to a woman] Hi Carol.
Carol: [avoiding eye contact] Lorde.
Boss: Lorde, we're all big fans of your music and we think the world of you for staying and working here even after your music career took off.
Randy: Well, my music and fluvial geomorphology are intertwined.
Boss: Amazing, yeah. Uh... Lorde... for some time now the females at this office have been pressuring me to... uh... find your own space... to go to the bathroom. [a few seconds of silence] Everyone loves you, but we thought it would be great if you had your very own executive bathroom. [whips out an executive key]
Randy: I like the women's bathroom. I feel safe there. Being able to use that bathroom is critical to my identity, to my music.
Carol: My girls are big fans of your music, Lorde, but the women here aren't comfortable sharing a bathroom with [stops herself immediately]
Randy: With what? [moments of awkward glances follow] With what? [getting no answer, he gets up and leaves.]
[E! breaking news]
Announcer: You are watching E! Entertainment News! That's how low you've sunk.
Anchor: It's been several days and still there's no sign of the pop singer Lorde. The singer went dark on Twitter claiming severe depression, and stating [the statement goes up on screen] "I realize now that I make people uncomfortable. I need to give this up and go back to just being the old me." Spin Magazine is claiming they know the reason for the sudden exit, and will be releasing a tell-all article about the troubled artist next week.
[South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks down the crowded hall when he's stopped by Cartman]
Cartman: Oh, here he comes, everyone! It's the cisginger! Think you can harass transgingers and use their bathroom?!
Butters: Yeah, what's the big idea harassing Erica, Stan?!
Cartman: At this school, it doesn't matter if you're trans or you're cis, right guys?! [the other kids agree, but not strongly] What we have a problem with are cisgingers who are intolerant! You know what we call those? Cissies!
Butters: Yeah! Stan's a big old fat cissy!
Clyde: [steps forward] Awe, come on, lay off him guys.
Cartman: Oh, what are you?! A cissy too, Clyde?!
Clyde: No, no, just he is. [retreats and walks away]
[The Marsh house, day, backyard. Randy sits at a picnic table alone with his thoughts and a beer. Sharon walks out]
Sharon: You just gonna drink beer alone all day?
Randy: It's okay, it's gluten free.
Sharon: All right. [turns around and goes back towards the house, but stops and looks back] Do you know why young people like Lorde so much. [Randy sits up and looks over his shoulder] It's because she's something different. Kids have had pop music artists flash tits and crotch in their face, and most kids are actually smart enough to be sick of it. Lorde represents something in all of us, the truth that wants to be heard. If I could talk to Lorde right now, you know what I'd tell her? I'd tell her not to let people change who she is. I'd tell her that if people are making fun of her, it's probably because they lost touch with being human. I'd tell her to keep on doing what she does, because when someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose. That's... what I would say to Lorde. [goes back inside the house and closes the sliding door]
"Lorde":

[Randy's finished song, "Feelin' Good On A Wednesday / Push"]
Feelin' good on a Wednesday

The image of me that you see
Is distorted, twisted, broken, fractured
Isolated, miles out to sea
I don't want a separate place.
I need to feel safe, not thrown away, away, away.

And I will push (push)
To tear down the walls (push, push)
Of this box you put me in (push, push)
Because you don't undertand
(push ow hot, push ow ow hot) You push
To find a label that fits me.
I'm feelin' good on a Wednesday
With sparklin' thoughts
Help me unload the car, yah yah yah

And so I push
To close the door
Of the stall you've made for me,
To keep me away.
And now we push
Push to stand together
Because I am Lorde (yah yah yah)
Yah yah yah, I am Lorde
I am Lorde, yah yah yah
Yah yah yah, I am Lorde
Yah yah yah
Yah yah yah, I am Lorde

Yah yah yah

[While the song plays, the following happens: camera closes in on Randy's face, then on a toilet. Some of the lyrics scroll past. Stan looks at the restrooms again. More lyrics. The demos are playing for the record producer and Ron, and they like it. More lyrics. Two sisters listen to the song on an iPhone in the kitchen. Their mother Carol looks on from the doorway. She returns to the office the next day and stops the boss from putting up the transgender sign on a bathroom. They both listen to the song, and like it. Shelly is wearing her headphones joyfully dancing to the song. Randy looks in and smiles. Principal Victoria waves a pencil around as if she were conducting an arrangement for this song. Wendy is listening to it with two friends in her bedroom. Butters is in his own room wearing a pink tutu and dancing away. More lyrics. Brandon Carlile is at his desk looking at his article. He moves to delete it, and it's gone. He shuts down his computer and leaves]

[South Park Elementary Gymnasium. Principal Victoria is going to announce something. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Mackey sit off to one side]
Principal Victoria: And so it is with great pride that I can announce the student body has elected to get rid of the transgender bathroom, and give any fellow student the right to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in. [cheering erupts from the students]
Cartman: I don't wanna use the girls bathroom if anyone can use it! It's gonna be all crowded. [pulls off his bow and throws it to the ground.]
Principal Victoria: Anyone who has a problem sharing a bathroom with people who might be transgender will have to use the special designated bathroom designed to keep them away from the normal people who don't care.
[South Park Elementary, hallway. Stan heads for the boys room when Butters exits]
Butters: Hey! Where do you think you're going?!
Stan: To the bathroom?
Butters: Oh no you don't! You've gotta use the cissy bathroom! [points to the Cissies bathroom, which used to be the Other bathroom] Well go on, cissy! [Stan walks over to the cissies bathroom and goes in. Butters smiles and walks away. The cissies bathroom is just the Other bathroom with a new plaque on it. Stan claps twice and the lights go down. Vivaldi's "Spring" plays]
Stan: Wow, this is is pretty nice. [drops trousers and settles in, then begins singing]

Feelin' good on a Monday.
Got my space, all the freedom I need.
Yah yah yah
By myself, yah yah yah

[End of The Cissy.]

Reference

Episode 1803 - The Cissy. spscriptorium.com (2014-10-10).

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