The Bard/Script

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Script[]

The Bard

	Jimmy's house (also known as the Giggling Donkey), day. The Kupa Keep faction (from left to right: Kenny, Butters, Cartman, Craig, the New Kid, Tweek and Tolkien) hides behind a bush.
Cartman	There it is, the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in thhere?
Butters	That's what Twitter says.
Cartman	[rolls his eyes] Carrier Raven, Butters!
Butters	So-sorry, that's what the carrier raven says.
Cartman	Craig and Tolkien, guard the back door. Butters, Kenny, Sir Douchebag, let's go inside.
	The three enters the house. They find the living room decorated into a pub, with many patrons inside.
Cartman	Stay close, Sir Douchebag. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron. [goes up to the bar table and speaks to the bartender] A glass of meedlewine, please.
Bartender	No meedlewine today, only Fairy Ale.
Cartman	A pint of Fairy Ale, then.
	The bartender brings out a red plastic cup then slides it next to Cartman.
Cartman	So, has uh... anyone seen the Bard lately?
	Upon hearing this, all other patrons turn and angrily stare at Cartman. Dead silence in the bar.
Cartman	A cup of Fairy Ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs.
	The patrons kept their stare on Cartman and the Kupa Keep warriors.
Bartender	Sure, he's here all right. He's got a room down in the cellar.
Cartman	Ah, and I shall pay handsomely for his services. [finishes his drink, throwing the cup onto the floor, then some coins onto the table] Sir Douchebag. [makes his way towards the cellar]
	The other three follow suit and they end up just outside the door to the basement
Cartman	Butters, Douchebag, go down and flush him out. Princess Kenny and I will be waiting here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you.
	Butters opens the door and enters the cellar, with the New Kid following. As the New Kid explores the cellar, Butters begins asking a few questions
Butters	You think the Bard's really down here?
Butters	I think I hear him.
Butters	Hello?
	As the New Kid explores deeper, the Bard appears in a close shot, striking his lute. In response, Butters and the New Kid cover their ears. Butters sees what was in front of him.
Butters	Oh, Jesus, it's the Bard!
	The Bard steps out from the shadow, striking the lute twice.
Jimmy	Prepare for battle, w-w-w-weaklings! Elves, fall in!
	Drow Elves began to form up and surround the two warriors. Meanwhile, Cartman and Kenny are being apprenhended by more elves.
Cartman	Douchebag! It's a trap! [the door closes on them]
Jimmy	You should have never come here, h-humans. I am a level 10 bard, and with my lute I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench- With magical songs of encha- With magical songs of encha-chaaa... Mag...magical songs of enchame-me-me... [The dialog goes on and on until Jimmy finally manages to complete the sentence] Magical songs of enchantment.
	The New Kid and Butters battle three elves. Jimmy takes his position on top of some crates and start playing music on his lute.
Jimmy	There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow. She didn't talk much, but boy did she swallow.
Jimmy	I have a nice lance that she sat upon. The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom.
	If the New Kid stalls for a while.
Jimmy	I just took a galley from across the sea and boy are my arms tired.
	Once all elves are defeated, Jimmy gets down the stack of crates and escapes
Jimmy	Wow, what a butt kicking.
	Jimmy heads upstairs, opening the door to allow more elves into the basement.
Jimmy	Get down there and finish them off. I will protect the Stick of Truth.
	Three more elves go down the basement to keep the New Kid and Butters at bay.
	While attempting to escape, Craig will appear from a small window at the top.
Craig	Hey, Sir Douchebag! Up here!
	The New Kid responds by shooting onto the window to open it.
Craig	I'll handle this.
	Craig walks over to a circuit breaker, knocking off a kerosene lamp on his way. Craig operates the circuit breaker, electrocuting himself, but cutting off the electric barrier that was blocking the way to the exit. He drops onto the floor below.
Craig	Ow, my ankle! I think it might be broken.
Butters	Maybe I should take a look at it.
	The New Kid executes the buddy command on Craig. Butters goes up to Craig to heal the latter.
Butters	Yeah, that's it, little buddy.
Craig	Thank you, noble paladin. My wound is healed.
Craig	Come on, let's get out of here.
	As the New Kid approaches the exit, they find the door locked.
Butters	Oh no, we're locked in! We could be stuck here forever!
Craig	Nothing a level twelve thief can't take care of. You guys go ahead.
	The New Kid and Butters made their way back into the living room. Right on their doorstep they see an elf charging into the kitchen.
Elf #1	For the Elf King!
	Later, a cry can be heard from the kitchen.
Cartman	Ahghgh! Someone help!
Butters	That came from the kitchen!
Butters	Come on, the Wizard's in the kitchen! We gotta help him!
	They enter the kitchen to find three elves attacking Cartman, who is now lying on the floor.
Elf #2	Take that!
Cartman	Asshole!
	Butters and the New Kid proceeds to take out the elves.
Butters	Your word is the command, my Lord. Shall I heal the king, my Lord? Or maybe let him suffer a little bit more?
	If the New Kid attempts to loot Cartman
Cartman	I'm not dead, you can't loot me yet.
	Butters goes up to heal Cartman. Cartman is seen with "blood" over his mouth
Cartman	His powers were too strong... the Bard. [gets up, takes a packet of ketchup and pours it into his mouth as "blood"] He's up in one of the rooms. [coughs] They took Princess Kenny! They took here upstairs. I'm sure they're going to rape her. Don't let them rape Princess Kenny. Mehhh... [faints]
	Meanwhile at the living room, Jimmy is making his way upstairs.
Jimmy	The Wizard King is done for! Take out the New Kid while I go upstairs and make contact with the King of Elves.
	Butters and the New Kid returns to the living room. As the New Kid gets closer to the front door.
Butters	We should give this inn a really mean online review after we're done killing everybody.
Butters	Use your magic on the front door, Douchebag!
	At the same time, Tweek would be calling from the front door, asking the New Kid to break the door open.
Tweek	Hello?
Tweek	Hey open the door!
Tweek	Somebody dead bolted the door you guys!
Tweek	You guys! Hey!
Tweek	Let us in! We can help!
	At last, the New Kid breaks down the door with his farts. Tweek, Craig and Tolkien rushes in to break the fort.
Tolkien	For the KKK!
	After clearing the rest of the defending elves, the warriors gather
Tolkien	Where's the King?
Craig	He's over there! He's hurt bad!
Tolkien	Good thing my medicine skills are plus four!
Craig	We'll revive the Wizard. You guys get upstairs.
	Butters and the New Kid make their way to the stairs
Butters	No hurry, Douchebag. The princess is just being raped.
	Butters and the New Kid are now upstairs. They hear Kenny screaming off-camera
Kenny	(Help! Someone save me!)
Butters	We gotta get to the princess!
	As the New Kid approaches the second door.
Butters	Wait a minute. Listen! They're raping the princess right now. We have to bust in there!
	The New Kid enters the room and find Kenny tied up on a queen bed, with an elf warrior jumping on the bed.
Butters	He's keeping her prisoner!
	As the New Kid begins breaking things in the room to get to Kenny.
Butters	Good thing Jimmy's parents are out of town.
	With the New Kid's skills, a zipline was formed. The New Kid traverses down the line and crashes onto the bed, knocking the elf warrior out in the process. The New Kid unties Princess Kenny
Kenny	(Thank goodness!)
	The New Kid leaves the room and finds the rest of the Kupa Keep warrior, along with a recovered Wizard. Craig is seen trying to unlock the door to Jimmy's room
Cartman	Princess Kenny! How badly did they rape you?!
Kenny	(Oh, nothing much.)
Craig	I can't get through! The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!
	Cartman tries on the doorknob but to no avail either. He bangs the door with his staff
Cartman	You can't hold the doorknob, Bard! That's cheating!
Jimmy	Yeah, I can. I have the Stick of Truth which means I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay.
Cartman	Ungh! Can he do that?
Craig	He has the Stick of Truth, he can do what he wants.
Cartman	Dammit! [tries on the doorknob again] There's got to be another way into this room!
	Tolkien spots an elf warrior up on the attic.
Tolkien	Hey! Let us up!
Elf Warrior #3	You're not getting up here! The ladder's up here with me. And I'm sure as shit not coming down there.
	At this point, the player's combat buddy switches to Princess Kenny. The game now prompts the player to use the buddy command.
Kenny	(Your word is the command, my Lord.)
	The New Kid activates the command.
Kenny	(This should be done pretty soon. [pulls down the shirt to reveal "boobs"] <>)
Elf Warrior #3	Well, lookie what we got here. [lowers the ladder and climbs down] I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh, yeah! Oooh, Those are some big ol' bitties. Man oh man...
	At this time, Princess Kenny brandishes a mirror and knocks the elf warrior out cold.
Cartman	Good job Princess Gone Wild. Double D buddy power.
	The New Kid climbs up the attic.
	If Butters is the active combat buddy at this stage.
Butters	Aw, even the attic's crawling with stinky old elves. I bet they like it up here, 'cause it's like, it's like being in a tree.
	The New Kid clears a barricade made of cardboard boxes and walks past it. Butters notices a gong nearby
Butters	Dibs on hitting that gong!
	After cleaing out more elves, the New Kid shoots a heavy object down the attic, breaking a hole directly above Jimmy's room. The New Kid jumps down the hole and lands in the room, opening the door to allow the other Kupa Keep warriors to enter.
Cartman	You've nowhere to run, Bard! Give me the Stick of Truth!
Jimmy	Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King! Step forward now, and fulfill your de-de... and fulfill your de-de... Step forward now and fulfill your de... Step forward now, and fulfill your de-de... Your de... [The dialog goes on and on until Jimmy finally manages to complete the sentence] Step forward now, and fulfill your d-d-d-destiny!
Cartman	You're no match for a grand wizard!
Jimmy	The stick belongs with us! And I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!
Cartman	Fine, you wanna go down, brah? Kick his ass, Douchebag.
Jimmy	Who is Douchebag?
Cartman	That's Sir Douchebag to you! And he is about to teach you some manners, Bard!
	The New Kid and the Bard goes into combat.
	If the New Kid stalls for a while
Jimmy	All the world's a stage and it's time you got the h-hook.
	When Jimmy is attacked.
Jimmy	That all you got?
Jimmy	You want a p-piece of this?
Jimmy	Knave!
Jimmy	A p... A p... A p-p-pox on thee!
	During the fight, the Bard will execute a lullaby
Jimmy	Sleep now, the whip-poor-wills are d-dancing. Gently now, put your m-mind to rest...
Jimmy	Close your eyes, no more thinking 'bout... thinking bout... t...troubles. Sleep now with J-Jesus, for you are blessed.
	During the fight, the Bard will play his lute, channeling the Brown Note attack.
Butters	He's gonna play the Brown Note! Block it out!
	After Jimmy has completed the Brown Note attack
Jimmy	Wow, what a terrific audience.
Butters	He's out of breath, get 'em!
	The New Kid defeats Jimmy at last. Jimmy lies on the floor without his hat, and has injuries on his face. Cartman now has possession of the Stick of Truth.
Cartman	The Stick is ours!
Kupa Keep warriors	Yay!!!
	Cartman now stands next to Jimmy. When the New Kid speaks to Cartman, he will ask if they are ready to return to the kingdom
Cartman	You ready to leave, Sir Douchebag?
	If the New Kid chooses to stay
Cartman	Okay, but hurry up. This inn is no longer safe for our kind.
	If the New Kid chooses to leave, they will automatically return to the kingdom. The scene now turns to the display of the Stick in Cartman's throne room.
Cartman	The Stick of Truth is back where it belongs! [leaves the tent with the warriors awaiting outside] Great job, men. Douchebag, for your heroic deeds and valient self sacrifice at the great Battle of the Giggling Donkey, I hereby make you an official member of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. Welcome to the KKK!
	The warriors give a round of applause to the New Kid. Just then, Cartman's mom opens the door to the backyard and calls for her son.
Liane	It's getting late. The Grand Wizard needs to go night night.
Cartman	[does a facepalm] Okay, mom, thanks for pointing out bedtime for everyone.
Liane	It's a school night, hon. You and your little Druid friends need to...
Cartman	We're not druids, mom! We're fucking warriors and wizards!
Liane	That's it. You're going to bed. The rest of you better get home too. [drags Cartman off]
End of The Bard