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CastEdit

ScriptEdit

Tegridy Farms
South Park Elementary, day. Another day, another shooting. Mr. Mackey sits in his office talking to the Marshes. Shelley has her arms crossed and looks away.
Mr. Mackey
Allright, thanks for comin' in today to discuss your daughter's behavior, m'kay?
Randy
Exactly what kind of trouble is Shelley in, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey
Well, unfortunately, we found out our playground monitor has been accepting favors to look the other way at recess, and uh, your daughter sent him an inappropriate picture. Of her butthole. M'kay?
Randy
Her butthole?? [to Shelley] Shelley! [back to Mackey] Why would the recess monitor want a picture of my daughter's butthole?!
Mr. Mackey
We've been havin' a lot of issues at the school with kids vaping lately and, uh, they bribe the recess monitor however they can.
Randy
Jesus Christ, how much worse can things get around here?!
Mr. Mackey
Uhkay, let- uh, the, there is good news, m'kay? We had the picture analyzed and it turns out it was actually just a picture of a dog's butthole, m'kay [holds up a real-life picture of a dog's butthole], that your daughter claimed was hers. M'kay, there it is, a little fur right there. [smiles]
The ride home. Randy is at the wheel. Nelson is in the car behind him, and there's a third car behind them.
Randy
Seriously?! Dog's butthole?! That's what we're doin' now, hun?! There's not enough bad things in the world, we get called into school, "Here's a dog's butthole for ya." That's what it's all come to, Shelley?! [they stop at a red light] I'm over it, Sharon. [a long guitar intro begins to play] I am seriously over it. Don't you just wanna start over? Go back to simpler times?
Sharon
What do you mean?
Randy
I've had it. School shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get out of here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.
Sharon
Are you being serious?
Randy
Never been more serious.
Nelson
[honks his horn] Hey, the light's green!
Randy
[looks out the window] Shut up, Nelson! [turns to Sharon] Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like hard work and 'tegridy.
Sharon
How will we make a living?
Randy
By growing things and, and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.
As the following song plays, the following occurs onscreen: Randy sells the house and the family drives away. The family arrives at its new farm. The camera pans to show the countryside. Randy starts harvesting the hemp that's already there. Next, he sifts out the hemp from the leaves, then he's printing out "100% Hemp" shirts, then showing the hemp to his family. Next, he's harvesting more hemp, watering the crop, and getting hemp milk out of some hemp. He makes some hemp cookies for the family. Later he's drying stalks of marijuana plants in the barn. Next, he seeds the field with marijuana seeds, then growing some hemp in a greenhouse. Later, he spritzes water on some leaves, then he writes up a list of nouns and adjectives on a chalkboard outside. Next, the camera pans to the left showing some farm names: Golden Mary's Kush Farm, John & Judy Cannabis Acres, High Valley Marijuana Farms (Organic), and then Randy's farm, Tegrity Farms
Randy

[slow start] This ol' world is getting to me. There's just no trust, no 'tegridy.
So I loaded up the kids, took my wife by the arm, [switches to fast tempo with a band joining in] and I moved on out to a Colorado farm.
Now it's early to bed, early to rise. The crops are plowed and it's no surprise
City folks are fightin' and I don't give a darn (darn, darn)
'Cause I make my livin' on a Colorado farm.
I gotta drive the tractor, gotta cut the grass
Chut-chut goes the baler like it's never gonna last
There's food in the kitchen and there's bud in the barn. (barn, barn)
That's life livin' on a Colorado farm.
Ice-cold beer, pickup truck. Country music, listin' shit.
We got tegridy to keep us warm.
That's what you get on a Colorado farm.
And I'm gonna stay on a Colorado farm.

Shiiit.
South Park Elementary, day. The four boys walk down the hallway
Kyle
[to Stan] So just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?
Stan
Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.
Kyle
Why would your sister wanna get addicted to those things?
Cartman
Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.
Kyle
What are you talking about?
Cartman
You didn't know? The Kindergartners are like the biggest vapers at this school.
The sandlot, day. The kindergartners have their own little piece of heaven on the school playground. Five of them are in there, two of them on the sand, three others seated on a bench on the edge of the sandlot. Ike sits between the other two and blows some smoke. He then tries to hide the vaping pen when Kyle calls out to him.
Boy
[with bulldozer] Vroom, vroom. I am a truck!
Jenny
[with an action figure and a sand castle] Watch out for the monster.
Kyle
Ike! Ike, do you have a vaping pen?!
Ike
[trying to hold in the smoke] Nope. [accidentally blows some more smoke]
Kyle
Dude! Gimme that! [takes it from Ike and walks back to his group]
Ike
Hey, gimme back my vaporizer! [gets up and stands between Jenny and the other boy]
Kyle
What is this? [reads the label] Cherry-flavored nicotine. [turns around] Are you joking?!
Ike
Oh, come on! All the kids are doing it.
Jenny
[whips out her vaporizer] Yeah, I like lemon flavor.
Boy
[whips out his vaporizer] I like raspberry.
Kyle
Why do you want nicotine?!
Jenny
Do you know how hard it is being a kindergartner? We need a break sometimes.
Kyle
These things are bad for you! Do you understand?! Bad kindergartners!
Quaid
[approaches Kyle as Ike steps aside] Relax, bitch. [inhales his vaping pen] Try some gummy bear surprise. [blows some of it in Kyle's face, making Kyle cough]
Stan
[takes the vaporizer from Kyle] All right, where'd you guys get these?!
Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is on his tractor growing through his crop. He stops and removes his hat for a moment to wipe the sweat off his forehead. He takes a swig of his Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then notices a neighboring farmer
Randy
Mornin' Joe? How's the farmin'?
Joe
Doin' good, neighbor! Just planted some Purple Skunky Kush. Harvested the Super Hindu Haze last week.
Randy
Well that's fine, Joe, just fine. I'm growin' some Green Willy Stranger myself. And the Catatonic Tegridy Bud is takin' well. [turns the engine back on]
Joe
Well, see ya 'round, neighbor!
Randy
So long, Joe! [he moves the tractor forward and then turns to the left]
South Park Elementary, recess. An overhead view of the entire school is shown as the bell rings and the kids enjoy their free time. Next, the boys walk through the playground in search of someone.
Stan
Kindergartners said it's some big kid in a trench coat. [notices a kid on a snow drift] Hey look! [a shot of the boy looking towards the parking lot and standing in the sun, so they can't make out who it is]
Kyle
That's gotta be him.
Stan
What are you gonna do?
Kyle
I'm gonna tell him if he sells a vape pen to my brother again, I'm gonna kick his ass! [marches towards the boy. The other follow] HEY YOU! [the boy turns around and steps off the drift. It's...]
Butters
Oh, hey fellas!
Stan
[surprised] Butters?
Butters
What are you guys doing?
Kyle
Butters, are you selling vapes?
Butters
Well, sure! Whatcha lookin' for? [opens his overcoat. Inside, there are labels and packets for grape, orange, tropical passion, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry flavors taped across his shirt and coat.] I've got strawberry, vanilla, tropical passion...
Kyle
WHAT?!
Butters
Tropical passion. It's like mango and kiwi.
Stan
Butters, do you understand this stuff is an epidemic in our school?!
Butters
Yeah, and at five bucks a pop, we're gonna be rich!
Cartman
[steps forward] Butters, this is for Kyle. [punches him hard in the face]
Butters
Oof. [falls to one side and his vape pens fall out of his jacket]
Tegridy Farms, the living room. Randy puts a pot plant on a small table. Shannon is standing near the couch with her arms crossed
Sharon
Randy, I think we need to have a talk.
Randy
[adjusts the placement of the plant] No time to talk, the agricultural inspector's about to drop by. Once we get certified from him, we can start sellin' like a real farm. [approaches Sharon] Have patience, wife. Soon our fortunes will change. [someone knocks on the door] Oh, that must be him now! [goes to answer it]
Towelie
Yes, I'm with the State testin' board? Is this uh,... [checks his notepad] Tegridy Farms?
Randy
Name is right there on the sign. Come on back!
Tegridy Farms, shed. Towelie has set up his equipment and is ready to evaluate. Randy and Shannon stand nearby and observer.
Towelie
[making some minor adjustments to the machine] So with this Vestin device, I can check not only the THC levels in your product but also detect any impurities and give you a final score based on overall chemical makeup. [inhales from the machine. Readings are 43:4, 23:8. His eyes eventually become bloodshot] Yep. That's good shit. Now let me test the levels in your organic house blend. [inhales again. Readings are 59:4, 55:2. Skeptically, Sharon folds her arms] Yep. That's good shit. [exhales and writes on his notepad. Shannon walks away unimpressed.]
Randy
Now, what about the Tegridy Jungle Bud?
Towelie
Let's test it out. [samples it, breathing deeply. Readings are 42:0, 76:2] Whoa.
Randy
Yeah?
Towelie
Whoa.
Randy
Yeeahh?!
Towelie
I don't know what Tegridy is, but... that is some good shit!
Randy
[jumps up in excitement] All right!
South Park elementary, boys room. Cartman is in the stall taking a crap. He's typing something into his phone while singing the Subway $5 Footlong jingle.
Cartman

Five,
$5,
$5 footlong.

Eric stops sining, as the sound of the boys room door is slammed open. Suddenly, the stall door is kicked open by an angry Butters, who now has a black eye.
Cartman
[surprised] Butters!
Butters
[yelling] Why'd you punch me, Eric?!
Cartman
I had to!
Butters
I thought we were partners!
Cartman
Butters, next time when Kyle walks up to you and says "Are you selling vape stuff," you say "No, I am not, Kyle."
Butters
You punched me in the face!
Cartman
Butters. we have to be extra-cautious right now, or else we're -- hang on, hang on -- [strains to poop] Hang on. Hang on. [a nugget manages to drop] Ahhh! [gets off the seat] Okay, we have to be extra-cautious, Butters. The whole operation is in a period of transition. [pulls his pants up and flushes the toilet.]
Butters
Well what's that supposed to mean?!
Cartman
[exits the stall] In case you haven't noticed, we're falling behind. We haven't sold enough product to pay off our overhead. The people I bought from are on my ass! Everything costs money, Kyle. The pens, the juice, even that jacket I got you. [as they walk to the restroom door, they pass by Kyle and don't notice he's there by the sink] We can't start getting sloppy now. Do you understand?
Butters
Well, I don't know how this means you can go and punch me in the face-
Cartman
Everything will make sense, Butters. I told you. [shows him out] Just stick with the plan, okay? [closes the door. Kyle is about to come up behind him and say something, but Cartman quickly acknowledges Kyle] Did you know that vaping is way healthier than smoking cigarettes? [Kyle is left dumbfounded]
Tegridy Farms, day. The family is seated at table for the meal.
Randy
[serving the meal and talking with a southern accent] All right, everyone! Who's ready for some farm-to-table supper?! [gives bowls to Shelley and Stan] We've got some hemp milk here, hemp oil and vinegar bruschetta, some hemp-seed tabouli. And guess what the napkins are made from? [a car horn sounds outside] Oh, wonder who that could be? [gets up to check. The driver gets out of his car and approaches the farmhouse.] Howdy. What can I do ya for?
Vape Rep
Is this Teh-gridy Farms?
Randy
Yeah, name's right there on the sign.
Vape Rep
Our company is interested in your product. We'd like to do some business with you.
Randy
Really? Hey, that'd be great. What kind of company- [stops himself when he notices the man vaping]
Vape Rep
We're one of the top vape companies in the state. We'd like to add your product to our line.
Randy
[chuckles] Oh no, sorry. I don't want my Tegridy Bud put in those pussy sticks.
Vape Rep
Pussy sticks?
Randy
Yeah, you know. Penis pens, wussy vape, lady joints. Not on my farm, no sirree.
Vape Rep
You got a problem with vaping? It's cleaner and healthier than traditional smoking!
Randy
That's nice. Now how's about you take that pussy stick and get off my farm before I shove it up your ass and you're blowin' mist out your butthole?
Vape Rep
All right. [leaves. Before getting in his car, turns around and says] You can be a part of progress or you can get run over by it.
Randy
[drops his southern accent] Yeah, whatever. All you're doin' is blowin' smoke -- Sorry, "fruity steam." Pussy.
Vape Rep
What happened to your accent?
Randy
Go vape some more, ya fuckin' puss!
Vape Rep
[goes to the driver-side door] You'll be sorry! [gets in and backs out]
South Park Elementary, day, main office. A new receptionist, Ms Blaze, is on the job and is reading Us Magazine . Kyle walks in and talks to her.
Kyle
I need to speak with the principal.
Ms. Blaze
Okay, what is it regarding?
Kyle
I'd rather just talk to him.
Ms. Blaze
Right through there. You're second in line. [Kyle walks further in and sees Butters and Cartman seated, waiting to see PC Principal as well. They are reading "General American" and "South Park Super School News" and lower their papers as Kyle approaches.]
Cartman
Oh, hey Kyle.
Butters
Hi, Kyle!
Cartman
What are you up to?
Kyle
You know what I'm up to! [walks up to the principal's door.]
Cartman
[hops off the chair and stops him] Okay, cool, but come check this out. This is really cool.
Kyle
Don't touch me!
Cartman
Just come- no, just come see. [takes him by the hand and takes him away. Butters follows them]
Kyle
Don't- touch me!
Cartman
This is really cool. [the three of them leave the office and stand in the hallway] You know, Kyle, people all need a way to relax. And there's no proof that vaping is that bad for you.
Kyle
You're selling it to kindergartners!
Cartman
Kindergartners need a break too, Kyle!
Butters
You know they took away their nap time.
Kyle
You're such penises!
Cartman
Would you rather the kindergartners smoke cigarettes? [Kyle folds his arms and is no longer listening.] Would you rather they drank? That's not good! [Kyle turns to go back into the office] Kyle, Kyle, Kyle! Okay, okay! [he and Butters stop Kyle and turn him around] Just please listen, all right? The truth is... we want out. Butters and I thought we could just make some easy money, but you gotta pay off the 6th graders, then you gotta pay off the recess monitor to look the other way. We're in deep, Kyle. Just let us see enough to get out of debt, and we will stop. I swear it.
Kyle
You're so full of shit.
Cartman
Come on, Kyle, we all make mistakes. Did you already forget last week? You know... Ronan Farrow was here asking about you.
Kyle
Ronan Farrow? No he wasn't.
Cartman
Yes, Kyle! He was right over there! Just please, [Kyle looks over his shoulder to where Cartman said Farrow was] give us two days to make back the money we need to get out from under this. and we will stop. You have my word.
Kyle
Fine. But no more pushing it on little kids! You got that?!
Cartman
Okay, I'll focus my marketing on another direction. Thank you, Kyle. [He and Butters leave, and Kyle looks over to that spot again.]
Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is back on the tractor. He stops when he sees the vape rep at Joe's house across the path. The rep hands Joe a check, then turns around and takes a vape as Joe just holds the check. Randy gets off the tractor and walks over to Joe's house just as Joe and his wife are packing up to leave the area.
Randy
Whatcha doin', Joe?
Joe
Oh, hey Randy. We uh, we sold the farm.
Randy
Just like that, huh? You gonna let those people with pussy sticks take over everythin'?!
Joe
Yeah. They paid us great. My wife and I are gonna move to Maui!
Randy
Oh. I hope you didn't pack your tegridy, 'cause clearly,[puts a marijuana leaf steam into his mouth] your tegridy ain't goin'. [turns and walks back to his house. He opens the door and walks inside. He notices something crumpled at a corner of the living room] Are you still here?!
Towelie
[completely stoned and surrounded by some marijuana leaves] Ah I-I didn't know chickens wore suspenders.
Randy
Agh! [walks off]
South Park Elementary cafeteria. The students are eating lunch. The main five are seated with Token, Clyde, and Craig.
Cartman
[yawns loudly] Man, am I feeling tired! All this hard work at school?
Butters
Yeah, I wish I had a little pick-me-up! Somethin' fresh and fruity to go with my lunch!
Kyle
Just stop. It's so obvious what you guys are doing.
Cartman
[pressing forward] It sounds so great right now! [cups his hands to form a megaphone] Can anyone help with some fun, fruity flavors? [the sound of a wall crumbling in heard. Soon, a wall does crumble and a Vaping Man appears]
Vaping Man
Oh yeah!
Cartman
[quickly stands by the VM] Hey guys! It's the Vaping Man! What are you doing here, Vaping Man?
Vaping Man
I'm here to offer my fun, fruity flavors in a refreshing mist.
Cartman
Vaping? Hey, that's bad for you. Vaping's only for cool kids.
Kyle
[quickly comes up to Cartman and talks quietly] Can I talk to you for a second?
Cartman
Sure, Kyle. What is this about?
Kyle
Can I talk to you over here?
Cartman
Well of course. [they walk far enough away so they're out of earshot of Vaping Man]
Kyle
[yelling] What did I say about pushing it on little kids?!
Cartman
How is this pushing it on little kids, Kyle?
Kyle
Fun, fruity Vaping Man?!
Cartman
It's marketing! Kyle, we have to make the money to pay off our dealer. How else are we supposed to do it?
Kyle
All right, how much do you owe the dealer?
Cartman
Why?
Kyle
How much?!
Tegridy Farms, day. An angry Stan is churning hemp milk in a copper kettle to make hemp cheese while Randy pours in the milk
Randy
Isn't this great, Stan? Livin' off the land? [walks to the table and picks up a plate with marijuana leaves]
Stan
No, it sucks. I hate this. I wanna go back home.
Randy
Well you see that? We're talkin' now. [adds some leaves into the mix] When was the last time we really talked like this?
Stan
I hate you so much.
Randy
Ithink we're havin' a breakthrough moment. I want to give you somethin', son. Somethin' I made that I want you to have. [goes to get it and brings it back] It's a hemp hat.
Stan
No.
Randy
Come on, let's just see how it fits.
Stan
Pleaes, no.
Randy
Here, just-just look. Just try it. [takes off Stan's cap and puts the hemp hat on him. When the hat goes on Stan's head, "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors starts to plays.]
Spin Doctors

One, two
princes kneel before you
That's --

Randy removes the hat from Stan's head and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song starts up from the beginning, causing Stan to now look annoyed.
Spin Doctors

One, two
princes kneel before you

Randy
Whoa.[he removes it and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song resumes, causing him to grin in amusement]
Spin Doctors

That's what I said now.
Princes --

Big Vape vaping bar and store. The place is crowded with young progressive people and filled with vape smoke. A big vape dealer is at the counter buying some vaping products.
Clerk
There you go, and thanks for shoppin' at Big Vape. [the vape dealer looks around and then leaves. The clerk buzzes him out.]
Cartman
[on the sidewalk with Kyle and Butters, across the parking lot from the store] That's him. That's my guy.
Vape Dealer
There you are. You got my money?
Cartman
[subdued] Kyle? [motions for Kyle to talk to the vape dealer]
Kyle
Look, my friend is very stupid and should have never gone into business with you. [Cartman and Butters back off]
Vape Dealer
Who are you? [Butters and Cartman leave]
Kyle
I'm just seeing if I can help settle things. You probably don't realize it, but vaping is a really big problem at our school.
Vape Dealer
Look, I'm just filling a job that somebody else would fill, all right? [Cartman and Butters return with a body bag with a body in it without the others noticing it.]
Kyle
Okay, look, this is the money I've saved up from my past three birthdays. Can we call this even and end it?
Vape Dealer
Aw, come on, man. I don't wanna take your birthday money. [Butters turns and walks away]
Cartman
Whoa, hey dude! Why is there a dead hooker next to you?
Kyle
What?
Vape Dealer
What?
Cartman
Dude, that is a dead hooker. What are you doing with it?! I'm calling the cops! [whips out his phone.]
Vape Dealer
You just put that dead hooker there.
Kyle
Cartman, what are you doing??
Cartman
[into the phone] There's a dead hooker at the vape store!
Butters
[returns with a crowbar and swings it into the vape dealer's kneecap] There! [runs away with the crow bar]
Vape Dealer
[falls over in pain] Ow!
Kyle
Oh shit!
Cartman
Get the vaporizers, and the cash! Get the cash, Kyle!
Kyle
Wha-what? What are you doing??
Cartman
Just get the- Oh shit! Ronan Farrow!
Kyle
WHAT?!
Cartman
Get the stuff and the cash! Ronan Farrow, Kyle! We've gotta get out of here! [he and Kyle get everything and split]
Tegridy Farms, kitchen. The Marshes are at table, and Randy has his hands clasped in prayer, ready to say grace, while the rest of the family is mad
Randy
Bless us, Lord, and our little cannabis farm, and may we always keep our tegridy. Amen. [digs into his bowl first] So, how was everyone's day?
Sharon
Uh, well, not great. Uh, Stan got caught with a vaping pen.
Randy
[drops his bowl onto the table and raises his voice, losing his southern accent again] With a WHAT?!
Sharon
You know, those little pen and cartridge things with the mist?
Randy
Stan had a vape pen?! [to Stan] You had a fucking vaping-?! Get up to your room right now! [Stan gets off his chair and leaves. Randy leans in towards Sharon] Way to underreact, Sharon! [leaves the table and walks to Stan's room]
Tegridy Farms, Stan's room. Stan sits on his bed while Randy walks in and slams the door shut. He then walks up to the bed.
Randy
[holding a vape pen in his hand] Where did you get this?!
Stan
It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner.
Randy
Yeah, right! My own son using a pussy stick! [brings up his southern accent again] Don't you know what these things are doin' to our way of life?! I've had enough!
Stan
What are you gonna do?
Randy
You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us! [walks out and slams the door shut]
Mr. Mackey's house, day. Kyle knocks at his door.
Mr. Mackey
[opens the door] Oh, hello, Kyle.
Kyle
Mr. Mackey, I need to talk to you about some things going on at school.
Mr. Mackey
M'okay, like what?
Cartman
[on the sofa, leans forward] Oh, hi Kyle.
Butters
[on the other sofa, leans to his right into view] Hey Kyle! [Kyle is rendered speechless. Cartman and Butters go to the door and stand on either side of Mr. Mackey.]
Cartman
We were just talking to the counselor about some college opportunities. What are you doing here?
Kyle
You know what I'm doing here!
Cartman
Okay, well, we really should talk first, Kyle.
Kyle
NO. Mr. Mackey, there's a big operation going on at the school
Cartman
Kyle, things have changed. You need to listen.
Kyle
Things are getting out of control-
Cartman
Kyle, listen! You want to hear this!
Kyle
-and you need to know what's going on!
Cartman
You need to hear this!
Kyle
What?!
Cartman
We'lll be right back, Mr. Mackey. [takes Kyle by the hand and leaves with Butters and Kyle]
Mr. Mackey
Huh okay. [closes the door]
On the sidewalk between two houses
Kyle
Let go of me! [Cartman lets go]
Cartman
Kyle, listen. It's bad.
Kyle
What's bad?!
Cartman
The guy we tried to frame at the vape shop. He was the one the sixth graders got their shit from. The sixth graders are pissed at us, Kyle! We have to break into the vape shop and steal enough stuff to make the sixth graders happy.
Kyle
You guys decided to beat up the dealer!
Cartman
Yeah, but the sixth graders know you were there!
Kyle
How?!
Butters
'Cause Eric told them!
Kyle
We are all in this together, Kyle! We gotta rob the vape shop, and then we can put this all behind us.
Butters
Please, Kyle! We still gotta pay people off!
Vaping Man
[breaks through the wooden fence behind the boys] Oh yeah! Hey bitches! Where's my motherfuckin' money?!
Butters
Run!
Cartman
Aah!
Kyle
Aah!
Tegridy Farms, day. Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out plays. Randy checks himself out on the mirror in the barn. He puts on the farm's logo shirt. He gets some hemp tape and wraps it around his hands, takes a swig of Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then gets into a fighting stance. He then puts on the hat he made for Stan and "Two Princes" plays again. He leaves the house ready to fight, and Sharon follows him out. She puts her fists on her hips
Robert Tepper

We're not indestructible
Baby, better get that straight.
I think that its unbelievable
How you give in to the hands of fate --

Spin Doctors

One, two
princes kneel before you
That's what I said now

Sharon
Randy, where are you going?
Randy
[turns around] Gonna go fight for my children's future. [walks away]
Big Vape, night. Loud rock music can be heard outside the building. Randy drives up to it on his tractor and turns the engine off. Randy barges in, and the music and chatter stop
Randy
All right, you bunch of vape-smoking' pussies! You try and take my way of life?! Time to show you some tegridy! ["No Way Out" begins to play]
Patron
Tegridy? What's tegridy? [Randy begins punching his way through the shop as "Two Princes" plays again and then mixes in with "No Easy Way Out". "Hyeah! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Owie!"]
Spin Doctors/Robert Tepper

That's what I said now
One, two --
There's no easy way out
That's what I said now
One, two --
There's no shortcut home
That's what I said now
One, two --
There's no easy way out
That's what I said now
One, two --
Givin' in can't be wrong
That's what I said now
One, two --
There's no easy way out

Randy
[punches through a man] Get your stupid mist out of my fucking face!
Bodybuilder
Hey! I like to vape. You think I'm a pussy?
Randy
Yup! [takes him down in two blows]
Bodybuilder
Ow! [Randy goes upstairs]
Big Vape attic. The boys are walking among the tanks used for storing the vapors. They stop at one and begin to siphon off the liquid from the tank into a five-gallon jug
Butters
Wow! You're so smart to think of a siphon, Kyle!
Kyle
Just shut up and keep pumping!
Vape Rep
What are you kids doing?
Kyle
Awww, shit!
Vape Rep
You little hoodlums break in through the window?! I oughtta break your little legs!
Randy
[appears behind him] I don't think so!
Kyle
Mr. Marsh!
Randy
Just what the Sam Hell you boys doin' here?!
Kyle
All right, listen. I should have talked to an adult from the beginning.
Cartman
Kyle, what are you doing?
Kyle
There are these three vaping syndicates at our school-
Cartman
Kyle?
Kyle
-and these guys are one of them.
Cartman
Nononononono.
Kyle
They had someone buying stuff from here for them, and then they sold it to kids.
Cartman
Okay, Kyle, I'm calling Ronan Farrow. [takes out his phone and pretends to talk to Farrow]
Kyle
The sixth graders, these guys, and Becky Thompson are all at each other for control of the playground.
Cartman
Hello, Ronan? Eric Cartman. Yeah, hey.
Kyle
I was going to tell an adult, but these guys said they'd stop.
Cartman
So you know Kyle? Yeah, well, you're right about him.
Randy
It's good you came clean, son. It shows that you've got- [the vape rep punches Randy across the face, then continues punching him]
Vape Rep
Didn't your mommy teach you it doesn't pay to mess with progress?!
Randy
Yeah. She taught me somethin' else too! If you're gonna fight for your tegridy, don't forget to bring a towel.
Towelie
Vape on this, bitch! [jumps off Randy and wraps himself tightly around the vape rep's head. The vape rep's screams are muffled.]
Randy
Yeah! [punches the vape rep across the attic] Take that, stupid vaping! [delivers a knee to the vape rep, sending him into the Tropical Passion tank, making it hiss and squeak. Randy opens the valve, and does the same to the other tanks, sending them all into high pressure.] Move it boys! Come on, go go go! [follows them out the door, but stops first and turns around. He rolls a joint and smokes it, then tosses it into the vape mist. The tanks explode one by one, making the patrons run outside and away from the shop. The explosions eventually blow out the windows. Randy and the boys are the last to leave, so they turn around and watch the destruction.]
Butters
Does this mean we're out of the vaping business, fellas?
Tegridy Farms, sunrise. A guitar starts to slowly play in the background, while Randy drives his tractor with Stan and Towelie riding along.
Randy

It's in you.
It's in me.
A little somethin' called tegridy.

Randy
[turns off the tractor and stands up] Well, shit. Looks like we made it to another sunrise.
Stan
Oh God, this is just gonna get worse, isn't it?
Randy
Yup son. I think the fight's just startin'. Farmers like us are under attack.
Towelie
Yupper. We got a lot of work to do. We can't let 'em take what makes us special.
A jar of Tegridy Farms marijuana appears at the center of the screen as a voice-over begins to speak
Voice-over
Tegridy Weed, from Tegridy Farms. Made... with a little Colorado tegridy. Comin' soon to a dispensary near you.
End of Tegridy Farms
  2204: "Tegridy Farms" edit
Story Elements

Randy MarshButters Stotch

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Video

Release

South Park: The Complete Twenty-Second Season

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