Tegridy Farms/Script

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"Tegridy Farms/Script"

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Cast

• Eric Cartman
• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Butters Stotch
• Ike Broflovski
• Quaid
• Jenny
• Boy
• Mr. Mackey
• Ms. Blaze
• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Towelie
• Peter Nelson
• Clerk
• Joe
• Patron
• Bodybuilder
• Vape Dealer
• Vape Rep
• Vaping Man

Script

Tegridy Farms
	South Park Elementary, day. Another day, another shooting. Mr. Mackey sits in his office talking to the Marshes. Shelly has her arms crossed and looks away.
Mr. Mackey	Allright, thanks for comin' in today to discuss your daughter's behavior, m'kay?
Randy	Exactly what kind of trouble is Shelly in, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey	Well, unfortunately, we found out our playground monitor has been accepting favors to look the other way at recess, and uh, your daughter sent him an inappropriate picture. Of her butthole. M'kay?
Randy	Her butthole?? [to Shelly] Shelly! [back to Mackey] Why would the recess monitor want a picture of my daughter's butthole?!
Mr. Mackey	We've been havin' a lot of issues at the school with kids vaping lately and, uh, they bribe the recess monitor however they can.
Randy	Jesus Christ, how much worse can things get around here?!
Mr. Mackey	Uhkay, let- uh, the, there is good news, m'kay? We had the picture analyzed and it turns out it was actually just a picture of a dog's butthole, m'kay [holds up a real-life picture of a dog's butthole], that your daughter claimed was hers. M'kay, there it is, a little fur right there. [smiles]
	The ride home. Randy is at the wheel. Nelson is in the car behind him, and there's a third car behind them.
Randy	Seriously?! Dog's butthole?! That's what we're doin' now, huh?! There's not enough bad things in the world, we get called into school, "Here's a dog's butthole for ya." That's what it's all come to, Shelly?! [they stop at a red light] I'm over it, Sharon. [a long guitar intro begins to play] I am seriously over it. Don't you just wanna start over? Go back to simpler times?
Sharon	What do you mean?
Randy	I've had it. School shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get out of here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.
Sharon	Are you being serious?
Randy	Never been more serious.
Nelson	[honks his horn] Hey, the light's green!
Randy	[looks out the window] Shut up, Nelson! [turns to Sharon] Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like hard work and 'tegridy.
Sharon	How will we make a living?
Randy	By growing things and, and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.
	As the following song plays, the following occurs onscreen: Randy sells the house and the family drives away. The family arrives at its new farm. The camera pans to show the countryside. Randy starts harvesting the hemp that's already there. Next, he sifts out the hemp from the leaves, then he's printing out "100% Hemp" shirts, then showing the hemp to his family. Next, he's harvesting more hemp, watering the crop, and getting hemp milk out of some hemp. He makes some hemp cookies for the family. Later he's drying stalks of marijuana plants in the barn. Next, he seeds the field with marijuana seeds, then growing some hemp in a greenhouse. Later, he spritzes water on some leaves, then he writes up a list of nouns and adjectives on a chalkboard outside. Next, the camera pans to the left showing some farm names: Golden Mary's Kush Farm, John & Judy Cannabis Acres, High Valley Marijuana Farms (Organic), and then Randy's farm, Tegrity Farms
Randy	[slow start] This ol' world is getting to me. There's just no trust, no 'tegridy. So I loaded up the kids, took my wife by the arm, [switches to fast tempo with a band joining in] and I moved on out to a Colorado farm. Now it's early to bed, early to rise. The crops are plowed and it's no surprise City folks are fightin' and I don't give a darn (darn, darn) 'Cause I make my livin' on a Colorado farm. I gotta drive the tractor, gotta cut the grass Chut-chut goes the baler like it's never gonna last There's food in the kitchen and there's bud in the barn. (barn, barn) That's life livin' on a Colorado farm. Ice-cold beer, pickup truck. Country music, listin' shit. We got tegridy to keep us warm. That's what you get on a Colorado farm. And I'm gonna stay on a Colorado farm.</i.> Shiiit.
	South Park Elementary, day. The four boys walk down the hallway
Kyle	[to Stan] So just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?
Stan	Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.
Kyle	Why would your sister wanna get addicted to those things?
Cartman	Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.
Kyle	What are you talking about?
Cartman	You didn't know? The Kindergartners are like the biggest vapers at this school.
	The sandlot, day. The kindergartners have their own little piece of heaven on the school playground. Five of them are in there, two of them on the sand, three others seated on a bench on the edge of the sandlot. Ike sits between the other two and blows some smoke. He then tries to hide the vaping pen when Kyle calls out to him.
Boy	[with bulldozer] Vroom, vroom. I am a truck!
Jenny	[with an action figure and a sand castle] Watch out for the monster.
Kyle	Ike! Ike, do you have a vaping pen?!
Ike	[trying to hold in the smoke] Nope. [accidentally blows some more smoke]
Kyle	Dude! Gimme that! [takes it from Ike and walks back to his group]
Ike	Hey, gimme back my vaporizer! [gets up and stands between Jenny and the other boy]
Kyle	What is this? [reads the label] Cherry-flavored nicotine. [turns around] Are you joking?!
Ike	Oh, come on! All the kids are doing it.
Jenny	[whips out her vaporizer] Yeah, I like lemon flavor.
Boy	[whips out his vaporizer] I like raspberry.
Kyle	Why do you want nicotine?!
Jenny	Do you know how hard it is being a kindergartner? We need a break sometimes.
Kyle	These things are bad for you! Do you understand?! Bad kindergartners!
Quaid	[approaches Kyle as Ike steps aside] Relax, b****. [inhales his vaping pen] Try some gummy bear surprise. [blows some of it in Kyle's face, making Kyle cough]
Stan	[takes the vaporizer from Kyle] All right, where'd you guys get these?!
	Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is on his tractor growing through his crop. He stops and removes his hat for a moment to wipe the sweat off his forehead. He takes a swig of his Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then notices a neighboring farmer
Randy	Mornin' Joe? How's the farmin'?
Joe	Doin' good, neighbor! Just planted some Purple Skunky Kush. Harvested the Super Hindu Haze last week.
Randy	Well that's fine, Joe, just fine. I'm growin' some Green Willy Stranger myself. And the Catatonic Tegridy Bud is takin' well. [turns the engine back on]
Joe	Well, see ya 'round, neighbor!
Randy	So long, Joe! [he moves the tractor forward and then turns to the left]
	South Park Elementary, recess. An overhead view of the entire school is shown as the bell rings and the kids enjoy their free time. Next, the boys walk through the playground in search of someone.
Stan	Kindergartners said it's some big kid in a trench coat. [notices a kid on a snow drift] Hey look! [a shot of the boy looking towards the parking lot and standing in the sun, so they can't make out who it is]
Kyle	That's gotta be him.
Stan	What are you gonna do?
Kyle	I'm gonna tell him if he sells a vape pen to my brother again, I'm gonna kick his ass! [marches towards the boy. The other follow] HEY YOU! [the boy turns around and steps off the drift. It's...]
Butters	Oh, hey fellas!
Stan	[surprised] Butters?
Butters	What are you guys doing?
Kyle	Butters, are you selling vapes?
Butters	Well, sure! Whatcha lookin' for? [opens his overcoat. Inside, there are labels and packets for grape, orange, tropical passion, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry flavors taped across his shirt and coat.] I've got strawberry, vanilla, tropical passion...
Kyle	WHAT?!
Butters	Tropical passion. It's like mango and kiwi.
Stan	Butters, do you understand this stuff is an epidemic in our school?!
Butters	Yeah, and at five bucks a pop, we're gonna be rich!
Cartman	[steps forward] Butters, this is for Kyle. [punches him hard in the face]
Butters	Oof. [falls to one side and his vape pens fall out of his jacket]
	Tegridy Farms, the living room. Randy puts a pot plant on a small table. Shannon is standing near the couch with her arms crossed
Sharon	Randy, I think we need to have a talk.
Randy	[adjusts the placement of the plant] No time to talk, the agricultural inspector's about to drop by. Once we get certified from him, we can start sellin' like a real farm. [approaches Sharon] Have patience, wife. Soon our fortunes will change. [someone knocks on the door] Oh, that must be him now! [goes to answer it]
Towelie	Yes, I'm with the State testin' board? Is this uh,... [checks his notepad] Tegridy Farms?
Randy	Name is right there on the sign. Come on back!
	Tegridy Farms, shed. Towelie has set up his equipment and is ready to evaluate. Randy and Shannon stand nearby and observer.
Towelie	[making some minor adjustments to the machine] So with this Vestin device, I can check not only the THC levels in your product but also detect any impurities and give you a final score based on overall chemical makeup. [inhales from the machine. Readings are 43:4, 23:8. His eyes eventually become bloodshot] Yep. That's good shit. Now let me test the levels in your organic house blend. [inhales again. Readings are 59:4, 55:2. Skeptically, Sharon folds her arms] Yep. That's good shit. [exhales and writes on his notepad. Shannon walks away unimpressed.]
Randy	Now, what about the Tegridy Jungle Bud?
Towelie	Let's test it out. [samples it, breathing deeply. Readings are 42:0, 76:2] Whoa.
Randy	Yeah?
Towelie	Whoa.
Randy	Yeeahh?!
Towelie	I don't know what Tegridy is, but... that is some good shit!
Randy	[jumps up in excitement] All right!
	South Park elementary, boys room. Cartman is in the stall taking a crap. He's typing something into his phone while singing the Subway $5 Footlong jingle.
Cartman	Five, $5, $5 footlong.
	Eric stops singing, as the sound of the boys room door is slammed open. Suddenly, the stall door is kicked open by an angry Butters, who now has a black eye.
Cartman	[surprised] Butters!
Butters	[yelling] Why'd you punch me, Eric?!
Cartman	I had to!
Butters	I thought we were partners!
Cartman	Butters, next time when Kyle walks up to you and says "Are you selling vape stuff," you say "No, I am not, Kyle."
Butters	You punched me in the face!
Cartman	Butters. we have to be extra-cautious right now, or else we're -- hang on, hang on -- [strains to poop] Hang on. Hang on. [a nugget manages to drop] Ahhh! [gets off the seat] Okay, we have to be extra-cautious, Butters. The whole operation is in a period of transition. [pulls his pants up and flushes the toilet.]
Butters	Well what's that supposed to mean?!
Cartman	[exits the stall] In case you haven't noticed, we're falling behind. We haven't sold enough product to pay off our overhead. The people I bought from are on my ass! Everything costs money, Butters. The pens, the juice, even that jacket I got you. [as they walk to the restroom door, they pass by Kyle and don't notice he's there by the sink] We can't start getting sloppy now. Do you understand?
Butters	Well, I don't know how this means you can go and punch me in the face-
Cartman	Everything will make sense, Butters. I told you. [shows him out] Just stick with the plan, okay? [closes the door. Kyle is about to come up behind him and say something, but Cartman quickly acknowledges Kyle] Did you know that vaping is way healthier than smoking cigarettes? [Kyle is left dumbfounded]
	Tegridy Farms, day. The family is seated at table for the meal.
Randy	[serving the meal and talking with a southern accent] All right, everyone! Who's ready for some farm-to-table supper?! [gives bowls to Shelley and Stan] We've got some hemp milk here, hemp oil and vinegar bruschetta, some hemp-seed tabouli. And guess what the napkins are made from? [a car horn sounds outside] Oh, wonder who that could be? [gets up to check. The driver gets out of his car and approaches the farmhouse.] Howdy. What can I do ya for?
Vape Rep	Is this Teh-gridy Farms?
Randy	Yeah, name's right there on the sign.
Vape Rep	Our company is interested in your product. We'd like to do some business with you.
Randy	Really? Hey, that'd be great. What kind of company- [stops himself when he notices the man vaping]
Vape Rep	We're one of the top vape companies in the state. We'd like to add your product to our line.
Randy	[chuckles] Oh no, sorry. I don't want my Tegridy Bud put in those p**** sticks.
Vape Rep	P**** sticks?
Randy	Yeah, you know. Penis pens, wussy vape, lady joints. Not on my farm, no sirree.
Vape Rep	You got a problem with vaping? It's cleaner and healthier than traditional smoking!
Randy	That's nice. Now how's about you take that p**** stick and get off my farm before I shove it up your ass and you're blowin' mist out your butthole?
Vape Rep	All right. [leaves. Before getting in his car, turns around and says] You can be a part of progress or you can get run over by it.
Randy	[drops his southern accent] Yeah, whatever. All you're doin' is blowin' smoke -- Sorry, "fruity steam." P****.
Vape Rep	What happened to your accent?
Randy	Go vape some more, ya fuckin' p***!
Vape Rep	[goes to the driver-side door] You'll be sorry! [gets in and backs out]
	South Park Elementary, day, main office. A new receptionist, Ms Blaze, is on the job and is reading Us Magazine . Kyle walks in and talks to her.
Kyle	I need to speak with the principal.
Ms. Blaze	Okay, what is it regarding?
Kyle	I'd rather just talk to him.
Ms. Blaze	Right through there. You're second in line. [Kyle walks further in and sees Butters and Cartman seated, waiting to see PC Principal as well. They are reading "General American" and "South Park Super School News" and lower their papers as Kyle approaches.]
Cartman	Oh, hey Kyle.
Butters	Hi, Kyle!
Cartman	What are you up to?
Kyle	You know what I'm up to! [walks up to the principal's door.]
Cartman	[hops off the chair and stops him] Okay, cool, but come check this out. This is really cool.
Kyle	Don't touch me!
Cartman	Just come- no, just come see. [takes him by the hand and takes him away. Butters follows them]
Kyle	Don't- touch me!
Cartman	This is really cool. [the three of them leave the office and stand in the hallway] You know, Kyle, people all need a way to relax. And there's no proof that vaping is that bad for you.
Kyle	You're selling it to kindergartners!
Cartman	Kindergartners need a break too, Kyle!
Butters	You know they took away their nap time.
Kyle	You're such penises!
Cartman	Would you rather the kindergartners smoke cigarettes? [Kyle folds his arms and is no longer listening.] Would you rather they drank? That's not good! [Kyle turns to go back into the office] Kyle, Kyle, Kyle! Okay, okay! [he and Butters stop Kyle and turn him around] Just please listen, all right? The truth is... we want out. Butters and I thought we could just make some easy money, but you gotta pay off the 6th graders, then you gotta pay off the recess monitor to look the other way. We're in deep, Kyle. Just let us see enough to get out of debt, and we will stop. I swear it.
Kyle	You're so full of shit.
Cartman	Come on, Kyle, we all make mistakes. Did you already forget last week? You know... Ronan Farrow was here asking about you.
Kyle	Ronan Farrow? No he wasn't.
Cartman	Yes, Kyle! He was right over there! Just please, [Kyle looks over his shoulder to where Cartman said Farrow was] give us two days to make back the money we need to get out from under this. and we will stop. You have my word.
Kyle	Fine. But no more pushing it on little kids! You got that?!
Cartman	Okay, I'll focus my marketing on another direction. Thank you, Kyle. [He and Butters leave, and Kyle looks over to that spot again.]
	Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is back on the tractor. He stops when he sees the vape rep at Joe's house across the path. The rep hands Joe a check, then turns around and takes a vape as Joe just holds the check. Randy gets off the tractor and walks over to Joe's house just as Joe and his wife are packing up to leave the area.
Randy	Whatcha doin', Joe?
Joe	Oh, hey Randy. We uh, we sold the farm.
Randy	Just like that, huh? You gonna let those people with p**** sticks take over everythin'?!
Joe	Yeah. They paid us great. My wife and I are gonna move to Maui!
Randy	Oh. I hope you didn't pack your tegridy, 'cause clearly,[puts a marijuana leaf steam into his mouth] your tegridy ain't goin'. [turns and walks back to his house. He opens the door and walks inside. He notices something crumpled at a corner of the living room] Are you still here?!
Towelie	[completely stoned and surrounded by some marijuana leaves] Ah I-I didn't know chickens wore suspenders.
Randy	Agh! [walks off]
	South Park Elementary cafeteria. The students are eating lunch. The main five are seated with Tolkien, Clyde, and Craig.
Cartman	[yawns loudly] Man, am I feeling tired! All this hard work at school?
Butters	Yeah, I wish I had a little pick-me-up! Somethin' fresh and fruity to go with my lunch!
Kyle	Just stop. It's so obvious what you guys are doing.
Cartman	[pressing forward] It sounds so great right now! [cups his hands to form a megaphone] Can anyone help with some fun, fruity flavors? [the sound of a wall crumbling in heard. Soon, a wall does crumble and a Vaping Man appears]
Vaping Man	Oh yeah!
Cartman	[quickly stands by the VM] Hey guys! It's the Vaping Man! What are you doing here, Vaping Man?
Vaping Man	I'm here to offer my fun, fruity flavors in a refreshing mist.
Cartman	Vaping? Hey, that's bad for you. Vaping's only for cool kids.
Kyle	[quickly comes up to Cartman and talks quietly] Can I talk to you for a second?
Cartman	Sure, Kyle. What is this about?
Kyle	Can I talk to you over here?
Cartman	Well of course. [they walk far enough away so they're out of earshot of Vaping Man]
Kyle	[yelling] What did I say about pushing it on little kids?!
Cartman	How is this pushing it on little kids, Kyle?
Kyle	Fun, fruity Vaping Man?!
Cartman	It's marketing! Kyle, we have to make the money to pay off our dealer. How else are we supposed to do it?
Kyle	All right, how much do you owe the dealer?
Cartman	Why?
Kyle	How much?!
	Tegridy Farms, day. An angry Stan is churning hemp milk in a copper kettle to make hemp cheese while Randy pours in the milk
Randy	Isn't this great, Stan? Livin' off the land? [walks to the table and picks up a plate with marijuana leaves]
Stan	No, it sucks. I hate this. I wanna go back home.
Randy	Well you see that? We're talkin' now. [adds some leaves into the mix] When was the last time we really talked like this?
Stan	I hate you so much.
Randy	Ithink we're havin' a breakthrough moment. I want to give you somethin', son. Somethin' I made that I want you to have. [goes to get it and brings it back] It's a hemp hat.
Stan	No.
Randy	Come on, let's just see how it fits.
Stan	Pleaes, no.
Randy	Here, just-just look. Just try it. [takes off Stan's cap and puts the hemp hat on him. When the hat goes on Stan's head, "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors starts to plays.]
Spin Doctors	One, two princes kneel before you That's --
	Randy removes the hat from Stan's head and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song starts up from the beginning, causing Stan to now look annoyed.
Spin Doctors	One, two princes kneel before you
Randy	Whoa.[he removes it and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song resumes, causing him to grin in amusement]
Spin Doctors	That's what I said now. Princes --
	Big Vape vaping bar and store. The place is crowded with young progressive people and filled with vape smoke. A big vape dealer is at the counter buying some vaping products.
Clerk	There you go, and thanks for shoppin' at Big Vape. [the vape dealer looks around and then leaves. The clerk buzzes him out.]
Cartman	[on the sidewalk with Kyle and Butters, across the parking lot from the store] That's him. That's my guy.
Vape Dealer	There you are. You got my money?
Cartman	[subdued] Kyle? [motions for Kyle to talk to the vape dealer]
Kyle	Look, my friend is very stupid and should have never gone into business with you. [Cartman and Butters back off]
Vape Dealer	Who are you? [Butters and Cartman leave]
Kyle	I'm just seeing if I can help settle things. You probably don't realize it, but vaping is a really big problem at our school.
Vape Dealer	Look, I'm just filling a job that somebody else would fill, all right? [Cartman and Butters return with a body bag with a body in it without the others noticing it.]
Kyle	Okay, look, this is the money I've saved up from my past three birthdays. Can we call this even and end it?
Vape Dealer	Aw, come on, man. I don't wanna take your birthday money. [Butters turns and walks away]
Cartman	Whoa, hey dude! Why is there a dead hooker next to you?
Kyle	What?
Vape Dealer	What?
Cartman	Dude, that is a dead hooker. What are you doing with it?! I'm calling the cops! [whips out his phone.]
Vape Dealer	You just put that dead hooker there.
Kyle	Cartman, what are you doing??
Cartman	[into the phone] There's a dead hooker at the vape store!
Butters	[returns with a crowbar and swings it into the vape dealer's kneecap] There! [runs away with the crow bar]
Vape Dealer	[falls over in pain] Ow!
Kyle	Oh shit!
Cartman	Get the vaporizers, and the cash! Get the cash, Kyle!
Kyle	Wha-what? What are you doing??
Cartman	Just get the- Oh shit! Ronan Farrow!
Kyle	WHAT?!
Cartman	Get the stuff and the cash! Ronan Farrow, Kyle! We've gotta get out of here! [he and Kyle get everything and split]
	Tegridy Farms, kitchen. The Marshes are at table, and Randy has his hands clasped in prayer, ready to say grace, while the rest of the family is mad
Randy	Bless us, Lord, and our little cannabis farm, and may we always keep our tegridy. Amen. [digs into his bowl first] So, how was everyone's day?
Sharon	Uh, well, not great. Uh, Stan got caught with a vaping pen.
Randy	[drops his bowl onto the table and raises his voice, losing his southern accent again] With a WHAT?!
Sharon	You know, those little pen and cartridge things with the mist?
Randy	Stan had a vape pen?! [to Stan] You had a fucking vaping-?! Get up to your room right now! [Stan gets off his chair and leaves. Randy leans in towards Sharon] Way to underreact, Sharon! [leaves the table and walks to Stan's room]
	Tegridy Farms, Stan's room. Stan sits on his bed while Randy walks in and slams the door shut. He then walks up to the bed.
Randy	[holding a vape pen in his hand] Where did you get this?!
Stan	It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner.
Randy	Yeah, right! My own son using a p**** stick! [brings up his southern accent again] Don't you know what these things are doin' to our way of life?! I've had enough!
Stan	What are you gonna do?
Randy	You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us! [walks out and slams the door shut]
	Mr. Mackey's house, day. Kyle knocks at his door.
Mr. Mackey	[opens the door] Oh, hello, Kyle.
Kyle	Mr. Mackey, I need to talk to you about some things going on at school.
Mr. Mackey	M'okay, like what?
Cartman	[on the sofa, leans forward] Oh, hi Kyle.
Butters	[on the other sofa, leans to his right into view] Hey Kyle! [Kyle is rendered speechless. Cartman and Butters go to the door and stand on either side of Mr. Mackey.]
Cartman	We were just talking to the counselor about some college opportunities. What are you doing here?
Kyle	You know what I'm doing here!
Cartman	Okay, well, we really should talk first, Kyle.
Kyle	NO. Mr. Mackey, there's a big operation going on at the school
Cartman	Kyle, things have changed. You need to listen.
Kyle	Things are getting out of control-
Cartman	Kyle, listen! You want to hear this!
Kyle	-and you need to know what's going on!
Cartman	You need to hear this!
Kyle	What?!
Cartman	We'lll be right back, Mr. Mackey. [takes Kyle by the hand and leaves with Butters and Kyle]
Mr. Mackey	Huh okay. [closes the door]
	On the sidewalk between two houses
Kyle	Let go of me! [Cartman lets go]
Cartman	Kyle, listen. It's bad.
Kyle	What's bad?!
Cartman	The guy we tried to frame at the vape shop. He was the one the sixth graders got their shit from. The sixth graders are pissed at us, Kyle! We have to break into the vape shop and steal enough stuff to make the sixth graders happy.
Kyle	You guys decided to beat up the dealer!
Cartman	Yeah, but the sixth graders know you were there!
Kyle	How?!
Butters	'Cause Eric told them!
Kyle	We are all in this together, Kyle! We gotta rob the vape shop, and then we can put this all behind us.
Butters	Please, Kyle! We still gotta pay people off!
Vaping Man	[breaks through the wooden fence behind the boys] Oh yeah! Hey b******! Where's my motherfuckin' money?!
Butters	Run!
Cartman	Aah!
Kyle	Aah!
	Tegridy Farms, day. Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out plays. Randy checks himself out on the mirror in the barn. He puts on the farm's logo shirt. He gets some hemp tape and wraps it around his hands, takes a swig of Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then gets into a fighting stance. He then puts on the hat he made for Stan and "Two Princes" plays again. He leaves the house ready to fight, and Sharon follows him out. She puts her fists on her hips
Robert Tepper	We're not indestructible Baby, better get that straight. I think that its unbelievable How you give in to the hands of fate --
Spin Doctors	One, two princes kneel before you That's what I said now
Sharon	Randy, where are you going?
Randy	[turns around] Gonna go fight for my children's future. [walks away]
	Big Vape, night. Loud rock music can be heard outside the building. Randy drives up to it on his tractor and turns the engine off. Randy barges in, and the music and chatter stop
Randy	All right, you bunch of vape-smoking' p******! You try and take my way of life?! Time to show you some tegridy! ["No Way Out" begins to play]
Patron	Tegridy? What's tegridy? [Randy begins punching his way through the shop as "Two Princes" plays again and then mixes in with "No Easy Way Out". "Hyeah! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Owie!"]
Spin Doctors/Robert Tepper	That's what I said now One, two -- There's no easy way out That's what I said now One, two -- There's no shortcut home That's what I said now One, two -- There's no easy way out That's what I said now One, two -- Givin' in can't be wrong That's what I said now One, two -- There's no easy way out
Randy	[punches through a man] Get your stupid mist out of my fucking face!
Bodybuilder	Hey! I like to vape. You think I'm a p****?
Randy	Yup! [takes him down in two blows]
Bodybuilder	Ow! [Randy goes upstairs]
	Big Vape attic. The boys are walking among the tanks used for storing the vapors. They stop at one and begin to siphon off the liquid from the tank into a five-gallon jug
Butters	Wow! You're so smart to think of a siphon, Kyle!
Kyle	Just shut up and keep pumping!
Vape Rep	What are you kids doing?
Kyle	Awww, shit!
Vape Rep	You little hoodlums break in through the window?! I oughtta break your little legs!
Randy	[appears behind him] I don't think so!
Kyle	Mr. Marsh!
Randy	Just what the Sam Hell you boys doin' here?!
Kyle	All right, listen. I should have talked to an adult from the beginning.
Cartman	Kyle, what are you doing?
Kyle	There are these three vaping syndicates at our school-
Cartman	Kyle?
Kyle	-and these guys are one of them.
Cartman	Nononononono.
Kyle	They had someone buying stuff from here for them, and then they sold it to kids.
Cartman	Okay, Kyle, I'm calling Ronan Farrow. [takes out his phone and pretends to talk to Farrow]
Kyle	The sixth graders, these guys, and Becky Thompson are all at each other for control of the playground.
Cartman	Hello, Ronan? Eric Cartman. Yeah, hey.
Kyle	I was going to tell an adult, but these guys said they'd stop.
Cartman	So you know Kyle? Yeah, well, you're right about him.
Randy	It's good you came clean, son. It shows that you've got- [the vape rep punches Randy across the face, then continues punching him]
Vape Rep	Didn't your mommy teach you it doesn't pay to mess with progress?!
Randy	Yeah. She taught me somethin' else too! If you're gonna fight for your tegridy, don't forget to bring a towel.
Towelie	Vape on this, b****! [jumps off Randy and wraps himself tightly around the vape rep's head. The vape rep's screams are muffled.]
Randy	Yeah! [punches the vape rep across the attic] Take that, stupid vaping! [delivers a knee to the vape rep, sending him into the Tropical Passion tank, making it hiss and squeak. Randy opens the valve, and does the same to the other tanks, sending them all into high pressure.] Move it boys! Come on, go go go! [follows them out the door, but stops first and turns around. He rolls a joint and smokes it, then tosses it into the vape mist. The tanks explode one by one, making the patrons run outside and away from the shop. The explosions eventually blow out the windows. Randy and the boys are the last to leave, so they turn around and watch the destruction.]
Butters	Does this mean we're out of the vaping business, fellas?
	Tegridy Farms, sunrise. A guitar starts to slowly play in the background, while Randy drives his tractor with Stan and Towelie riding along.
Randy	It's in you. It's in me. A little somethin' called tegridy.
Randy	[turns off the tractor and stands up] Well, shit. Looks like we made it to another sunrise.
Stan	Oh God, this is just gonna get worse, isn't it?
Randy	Yup son. I think the fight's just startin'. Farmers like us are under attack.
Towelie	Yupper. We got a lot of work to do. We can't let 'em take what makes us special.
	A jar of Tegridy Farms marijuana appears at the center of the screen as a voice-over begins to speak
Voice-over	Tegridy Weed, from Tegridy Farms. Made... with a little Colorado tegridy. Comin' soon to a dispensary near you.
End of Tegridy Farms