Spring Break/Script

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"Spring Break/Script"

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Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Randy Marsh
• Herbert Garrison
• Rick
• Tolkien Black
• Steve Black
• Linda Black
• Sharon Marsh
• Alonzo Fineski
• Maga Store Salesman
• Officer Johnson

Script

Spring Break
	Scene cuts to Rick at home. Mr. Garrison enters.
Garrison	Hey, Rick!
Rick	Oh. Hey, Herb.
Garrison	So, you know what this week is, right?
Rick	Um, is it Easter?
Garrison	No, it's my spring break! No school for seven days! And guess what? Go pack your things because you and I are going on a big, romantic trip!
Rick	Really?
Garrison	I just came from the travel agent. We're gonna spend five nights in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
Rick	Oh.
Garrison	Well, what's the matter?
Rick	Myrtle Beach? Really? We all know what goes on down there. I don't do that stuff anymore, and neither should you.
Garrison	Rick, I don't wanna go down there to rage. I just wanna sit on the beach with you and watch the sunset.
Rick	Yeah, but isn't Myrtle Beach where those places are?
Garrison	I don't wanna go into one of those places. I don't think they even exist anymore. Don't you think this is just what we need, Rick?
Rick	You don't even wanna go into one of those places?
Garrison	Rick, I'm a little old for that. It'd be pretty pathetic if I did.
Rick	Well, okay!
Garrison	Oh, Rick! We're gonna have the best time! I can't wait to spoil you.
Rick	I really do need a vacation.
Garrison	Oh, we're gonna have the best spring break of anyone!
	Scene cuts to Tegridy Farms. Sharon and Shelley are leaving for the week.
Randy	Alright, guys, you sure you packed everything?
Sharon	Yeah, that should be all of it.
Randy	Well, I hope you and Shelley have a great spring break trip.
Sharon	I still feel bad, us going on a trip while you and Stan stay home.
Randy	You guys have fun in Santa Fe. We're going to do some dad-and-son stuff. Goodbye, Shelley! Have fun! I'll miss you!
Sharon	There should be food enough to last you the week.
Randy	Yes, yes, don't worry. We'll be fine.
Sharon	Bye, Stan! Love you!
Stan	Love you, Mom!
Randy	Okay, guys, be safe!
Sharon	Bye!
	Sharon and Shelley leave.
Randy	Aww, jeah! B****** are gone!
	Randy strips down to his underwear. Stan starts painting board-game miniatures on the coffee table.
Randy	Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! This is gonna be the best spring break ever! They're gonna be gone the whole week!
	Randy opens a can of beer.
Randy	Bro, what are you doing?
Stan	I'm painting miniatures.
Randy	Painting min... Dude, do you not understand? Your mom and Shelley are gone! We can do whatever we want without any stupid rules!
Stan	Whatever I want?
Randy	Yeah, dude! That's what this is all about! Let's do some spring break shit!
Stan	Can I see if any of the guys wanna come over to do "40k" all week?
Randy	Hell, yeah, let's do some "40k". What is that?
Stan	You don't know "Warhammer 40k"?
Randy	Oh, yeah, "Warhammer 40k", of course. I'm down. Let's do it.
Stan	Really? All week?
Randy	Yeah, dude! You're old enough.
Stan	Sweet, I'm gonna call Tolkien!
	Scene cuts to Myrtle Beach.
Garrison	Oh, Rick. Isn't this nice? This place is incredible.
Rick	Yeah, it's really nice. I just don't know if I deserve all this.
Garrison	You do deserve it, Rick. You've made me really happy. Are you almost done?
Painter	Yeah, all done. Here you go.
Garrison	Oh, Rick. Look at how happy we are.
	Camera cuts to the street.
Garrison	Oh, that saltwater air is just so good. Can't wait to try some Southern food. You hungry?
Rick	Yeah, sure. I could eat.
Garrison	A lot of things are different here in the South. Kinda hard to figure out what's good.
Rick	Yeah, all the stores and restaurants here aren't like Colorado. It's almost like another culture... Herb? Herb?
	Garrison notices a MAGA store.
Rick	Oh, no.
Garrison	Geez. It's still here.
Rick	You said you wouldn't go into one of these places.
Garrison	I don't wanna go in. I just can't believe some of these places are still here.
Store owner	Whoa! Look who's here! What are you doing in town?
Garrison	Oh, I'm just on vacation. This is Rick.
Store owner	Well, do you wanna come inside and rally a little bit?
Garrison	Oh, no thanks. I don't rally anymore.
Store owner	You sure? Everyone would love to rally with you again!
Garrison	I'm sure. I don't need to rally. I'm just here to relax. Take care.
Store owner	Well, if you change your mind, we'll be here! America number one!
Garrison	Number one, yep.
Garrison	[to Rick] Some people, huh? Geez.
	Scene cuts to Tegridy Farms. Stan, Tolkien, and Randy are playing Warhammer 40k.
Stan	Okay, so I'm gonna have my Retributor Squad attack your Stormhawk Interceptor.
Tolkien	Okay, that has a toughness of 7 and a -1 to your hit rolls.
Stan	Okay, so that's three, four, five hits.
Tolkien	Okay, I'm gonna roll my saving throw, which is 3+.
Randy	What in the actual fuck are you guys doing?
Stan	We're playing "40k".
Randy	You guys have wasted another day of spring break with this stupid shit! Do you guys know what spring break is about? Wet t-shirt contests! Mud wrestling! Don't you wanna get some b****** over here?
Stan	I thought you were happy 'cause the b****** were gone.
Randy	I'm happy the b****** are gone so we can have b****** over! Spring break is dude time! But you know what? Today's society has ruined it all. They've taught you boys to be ashamed of being boys. Convinced you that your natural innate male desires are toxic. No matter what the liberals try to tell you, boys, you shouldn't be ashamed of your gender.
Stan	Okay, Dad. So I've got an Imperium infantry unit within six inches of Celestine, so they have a +6 save.
Randy	My God. What are we going to do?
	Scene cuts to Myrtle Beach at night. Rick is asleep, while Mr. Garrison is awake in bed.
Garrison	I'm going to sleep. I'm gonna go to sleep now. Here I go... to sleep.
Garrison	Rick?
	Garrison gets up and gets dressed, and then goes to the MAGA store.
Store owner	Can I help you find anything– Oh my God! Sir, you're back!
Garrison	Yeah, just browsing.
Store owner	You guys, it's him! He's here!
	A crowd of customers assembles around Garrison
Customer 1	Is that really you?
Customer 2	What are you doing here?
Customer 3	Can I get a selfie with you?
Store owner	Hey, uh, since you're here, you wanna rally a little bit?
Garrison	No, no. I can't rally. I've got a serious boyfriend. I'm just looking around.
Store owner	Oh, come on! When are you gonna be here again? Live a little!
Garrison	Well, maybe I could do just a little bit. I mean... What the hell is up with all these Mexicans? Huh?
	Crowd cheers.
Garrison	Yeah! I mean, Joe Biden obviously thinks immigrants are made of gold or something! Piece of shit!
	Crowd cheers.
	Scene cuts to Credigree Weed. Randy knocks on the door, and Steve answers.
Randy	Hey, Steven. You know your son's been over at my house for spring break?
Steve	Yeah, of course I know.
Randy	Well, you should see what they're doing, 'cause it's a little...
Steve	Well, what are they doing?
Randy	Look, I just think we better talk with our boys to counteract all the ways in which society has been pathologizing masculinity. I mean, you went balls-out on spring break, right? Tried to see chicks' boobs and stuff?
Steve	Um, no I didn't.
Randy	Well, no, I mean, you weren't ashamed of being a guy, right? Like, you went out to the lake and tried to play grab-ass with girls, right?
Steve	No, I did not.
Randy	Why are you saying that? Why are you making those words with your mouth?
Linda	Oh, hey, Randy. Everything okay with the boys?
Randy	Oh, right. Sorry, yeah, everything's great. They're playing a little table miniatures game. It's great. Just, uh, came to let you know they're good.
Randy	[to Steve] Don't worry, I'm gonna take care of it.
	Scene cuts to MAGA store.
Garrison	I'll tell you what else. This whole situation in the Ukraine? That wouldn't be happening on my watch!
	Crowd cheers.
Garrison	The problem is now we all have a president who's afraid. And that's why Joe and the ho have got to go!
	Crowd cheers.
Garrison	And I'll tell you another thing! It's that...
	Garrison's phone rings.
Garrison	Oh, hang on a second.
	Garrison looks at his phone and sees that Rick is calling.
Garrison	Oh, crap. Hold, on a second, everybody.
	Garrison answers phone.
Garrison	Oh, hey, Rick!
Rick	Where are you?
Garrison	I couldn't sleep, Rick. I was just tossing and turning, and I didn't want to wake you up, so I decided to come out and buy some sunscreen and stuff for our beach day tomorrow.
Rick	Oh, okay. I got scared that you were out rallying.
Garrison	Oh, jeez, well, that's silly. Last thing I wanna do is rally. Listen up: get back to sleep, Rick. I'll be right home, okay?
Rick	Okay, sorry for panicking. Bye.
Garrison	Bye-bye.
Garrison	Okay, uh, nice to meet you, everybody. I need to get going.
Store owner	Oh, come on! Just rally with us a little bit more.
Garrison	No, I really can't.
Store owner	Just a few more minutes! Come on!
Garrison	Alright, I guess I can rally just a little bit longer. I mean, after all, I am here for you. I am your warrior! Liberal left! Hunter Biden laptop!
	Crowd cheers.
Garrison	Yeah! Yeah!
	Scene cuts to following morning. Garrison is asleep. Rick then pulls the curtains, and Garrison wakes up.
Garrison	Ugh. Oh, jeez.
Rick	Herb? Herb, you gotta get up. We're gonna miss our whole beach day.
Garrison	Oh, it's just the time change, Rick. You enjoy the beach. I just gotta sleep a little longer.
Rick	Okay.
	Scene cuts to Rick on the beach by himself.
	Scene cuts to Tegridy Farms. Stan and Tolkien are playing Warhammer 40k.
Stan	Dude, it's so awesome being able to leave "Warhammer" set up all night and come back to it in the morning!
Tolkien	I know, it's great!
Randy	Hey, hey, you guys. What did you do?
Stan	What do you mean?
Randy	I mean the cops are here. What did you guys do?
Tolkien	We're just continuing our game of "40k" from last night.
Randy	Okay, you guys, just stop 'cause the police want to ask you some questions. Come on in, officers.
	A pair of strippers dressed as police officers enter.
Stripper 1	Hello, gentlemen! Hands up!
Stripper 2	We heard somebody in here's been bad!
Randy	Oh no, guys! Looks like you're in big trouble. You better read 'em their rights.
Stan	Hey, whoa, whoa! Don't touch the models! We spent a long time on this!
Randy	Stan, stop with that shit! Come on, get into it! Wet t-shirt contest!
	Randy throws water on Stripper 1.
Stripper 1	Hey, what the fuck!
Randy	What?
	Alonzo Fineski enters.
Fineski	Hey, you fuck guy! You do not harass the ladies!
Randy	Well, I wanted strippers, not prudes!
	Fineski draws a handgun.
Fineski	You wanna talk, big man? Huh? You wanna be big man?
Randy	Whoa, whoa, okay. I think I need to explain something to you, okay? Look, I'm just trying to combat the messages that the liberal left is putting out to young men about their male instincts being toxic.
Fineski	The fuck you talking?
Randy	You know, I'm trying to show my son and his nerdy little friend what a real party is, 'cause society wants them to be ashamed of their masculine natures.
Fineski	You want real party?
Randy	Yeah! Truth is, I got a whole barn full of weed.
Fineski	I will call some friends.
	Scene cuts to Myrtle Beach. Rick is on the street searching for Garrison.
	Rick calls Garrison.
Phone	The person you are trying to reach cannot be located. Please leave a message. [beep]
Rick	Where are you? I got back from the beach and you were gone. Please pick up!
	Rick sees a sign that says "MAGA CONVENTION TONIGHT! TOP FLOOR. Let's go 2024!
	Scene cuts to convention. Rick enters, and then finds Garrison.
Garrison	And we're gonna take Georgia, and we're gonna take Arizona this time!
	Crowd cheers.
Garrison	And when I say we're gonna take Arizona in the election, I mean we're gonna take it again, 'cause we all know I won it last time, too!
	Garrison notices Rick.
Garrison	Oh. Hey, everybody. This is Rick.
	Rick leaves. Garrison follows.
Garrison	Rick! Rick, will you just wait!
Rick	You know it's two in the morning? I was alone at the hotel while you were out rallying!
Garrison	I just wanted to rally for a little bit.
Rick	Yeah, you really look like you just rallied a little bit.
Garrison	I got a text that Tucker was in town, and I just wanted to go rally for a little bit.
Rick	You really think those people care about you, Herb? They don't. They just wanna do that.
Garrison	Rick, I got it out of my system now. We can still have a great vacation. Let's just start over tomorrow. Okay?
	Scene cuts to Tegridy Farms. A huge party is going on, while Stan and Tolkien continue to play Warhammer 40k.
Randy	Alright, alright, let's do this! Okay, you ready? Three, two, one, go!
	Randy swings on the chandelier over the table.
Randy	Check it out, guys!
	The chandelier comes loose and falls to the floor. An ambulance then appears.
EMT	Sir, do you think you can walk?
Randy	No, I don't think so.
EMT	Sir, we think you've had too much to drink, and we should probably take you to the hospital.
Randy	No, I can't. I have to stay here, 'cause I'm in charge of my son. Today's woke culture has vilified his manhood and made him ashamed of himself.
EMT	Okay, sir, but it appears you have a broken arm and several fractured ribs.
Randy	Yeah, but I can't leave because my son's natural instincts are being suppressed and it's leading to behavioral problems. You see the shit he's doing? He's over there playing with dolls!
	Scene cuts to Myrtle Beach. Garrison and Rick are at a restaurant. Garrison is struggling.
Garrison	It's pretty good fondue, right?
Rick	We should probably just go back to the hotel. You've got the shakes from rallying all night.
Garrison	No, no, Rick. This is our vacation. I want us to have a nice romantic lunch.
Rick	Maybe we should just go back to Colorado.
Garrison	No, Rick. I'm gonna make this up to you. I don't want to rally anymore. There's just a lot of people out there who won't let it go, you know?
Rick	Yes, and you can't be around them!
Garrison	I know. I know. Let me just go throw up because I'll feel much better.
Rick	Okay, go throw up, Herb.
	Garrison goes to the bathroom and tries to throw up, but can't.
Garrison	Come on, just stop! Stop! The country is fine! You have better things to do!
	A man walks into the bathroom. He has a MAGA 2024 tattoo on his foot.
	Rick walks into the bathroom, to find Garrison rallying with the man.
Garrison	Yeah! Aw yeah! That's it! Yeah! We're gonna get abortion rights thrown the hell out so those dirty lesbians can't keep having abortions!
Man	Yeah! Oh, yeah, man!
Garrison	We're gonna get those Black Lives Matter protestors off the streets with a fire hose!
Man	Yeah, America! Yeah!
Garrison	Yeah!
	Garrison notices Rick.
Garrison	Rick!
Rick	Fuck you!
	Rick leaves.
Garrison	Well, to hell with you! Nobody controls me!
	Garrison and the man continue rallying.
	Scene cuts to Tegridy Farms. A pair of police officers shows up, and the female officer knocks on the door. A man opens the door.
Man	Can I help you?
Female police officer	We've had some complaints about a party that's been going on for three days here.
Randy	Hey, what's going on?
	Randy notices the officer.
Randy	Alright guys, who ordered the stripper?
Female police officer	Can we come in and look around, sir?
Randy	Oh yeah! Come on in!
	Randy tries to grope the officer.
Randy	Honk honk!
Female police officer	Alright, get down on the ground!
Randy	Whoa, whoa! No, no, no. It's okay. I'm just helping my boy through the media assault on manliness.
	The officer tazes randy and handcuffs him.
Female police officer	I need to see some ID, sir.
Randy	Ah! Okay, okay! Stan! Stan!
Stan	Yeah?
Randy	Can you get my wallet from the upstairs?
Stan	Yeah, as soon as we're done with this psyker phase. I have five psyker units.
Randy	Oh my God. This is so embarrassing!
	The male police officer enters.
Male police officer	Hey! Freeze! You, right there!
	The officer draws his gun on Fineski.
Male police officer	That's Alonzo Fineski, the Romanian sex trafficker!
Fineski	Fuck you, big man!
	Fineski draws his gun and engages with the officer. Everyone else at the party flees in terror. The female officer is shot, and falls on top of Randy. The male officer than chases Fineski through the house.
Randy	Stan! Stan!
	Scene cuts to Myrtle Beach International Airport. Rick is waiting by himself.
	Garrison's rally starts playing on TV.
Announcer	And now, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the once and future President of the United States of America!
Garrison	Thank you. I am here today for those who have been wronged.
	Crowd cheers.
Garrison	For those who have been betrayed. And let me tell you that nobody in this country has been betrayed more than my Ricky Rick.
	Crowd stops cheering.
Garrison	Rick, I am so sorry. And if you are out there, I want you to know that I love you. You are the only thing that keeps me from doing all this stupid stuff. When I met you, I felt in control of myself for the first time. There has never been anyone who calmed me down more than my little Ricky Bear. You are my boo.
	Rally attendee
	Scene cuts to Tegridy Farms. Randy is by himself watching the rally.
Garrison	The truth is, some of us simply can't be alone. We need a relationship so that we're accountable to someone. I realize now how broken I am without that person who keeps me from destroying myself.
Randy	Sh-Sharon?
Garrison	And all I've ever done was take you for granted and wished I wasn't being controlled.
	Randy calls Sharon.
Randy	[sobbing] Hi, Sharon. Will you please come home?
	Scene cuts to Rick.
Garrison	Rick, I am a giant piece of shit without you. I don't deserve another chance. You have been wronged. You have been betrayed. And the only person who deserves retribution is me. I know you all really want to rally and rage, but the only thing I have to say is that I love Rick. I love Rick! I love Rick!
Crowd	[repeated] I love Rick!
Garrison	I love you, Rick!
	Scene cuts to a mob storming the Capitol, chanting "I love Rick!".
Capitol Police officer	Oh, crap. Here we go again!
	Scene cuts to Tegridy Farms. Sharon and Shelley arrive.
Sharon	It's okay, Randy. We're back.
Randy	I'm sorry I cut your trip short.
Sharon	It's okay, Randy. You made it longer than last spring break.
Stan	Oh. Hey, Mom.
Sharon	Stanley, what have I told you about playing "Warhammer" on the kitchen table?
Stan	Aw!
	Scene cuts to Garrison & Rick's house. Rick is waiting outside. Garrison arrives in a taxi.
	Rick opens his arms.
Garrison	Oh, Rick!
	Garrison and Rick hug.
Garrison	I don't want to go through all that again. I just want to stay in South Park with you.
Rick	Well, I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
	Garrison and Rick go inside.
End of Spring Break