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South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid "South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid/Script" "South Park: The Streaming Wars/Script" - Rightarrow.png

Cast

Script

South Park: The Streaming Wars
Denver, Colorado. Camera zooms in slowly on the city.
Mulhulland
Citizens of Denver, we are in the middle of an environmental crisis. The winters are bringing less and less snow. And now, we are facing a drought due to the effects of Global ManBearPig.
Crowd
[overlapping chatter] A drought?
Mulhulland
ALL of Denver's water comes from streams up in the mountains, but now, ManBearPig has decimated these areas and wreaked havoc on the upper mountain streams. And so, effective immediately, we are declaring a drought and cutting back on all the city's water. [crowd erupts into angry protests]
Audience Member #1
What about our homeowners' association rules? Some of us are required to have nice, green lawns. You expect us to have nice, brown lawns?
Mr. Cussler
I own 12 golf courses in the Denver Metro area. You're not cutting down on my damn water.
Pi-Pi
Have you all forgotten about the Pi-Pi? I have Denver's largest water park. All water parks are 50% pee and 50% water! You–you can't forget about-a Pi-Pi.
Mulhulland
Nobody wants to lose the water, but we're in a drought. [shouting stops] There simply isn't enough water coming to Denver from up in the mountains and the water up there is being used for farm and agriculture.
Audience Member #2
What kind of agriculture?
Tegridy Farms, daytime. Music plays as automatic sprinklers water Randy's marijuana fields. He is using the hose while singing along.
Randy
How's it looking?
Towelie
They still look dry.
Randy
Okay, then I'm gonna open the reserves. [he walks up to a large pipe and pulls a lever, releasing a large flood of water.] Yeah! [the water floods the farm, and Randy floats into frame again on a pool floatie, laughing and smoking a joint.
A title card appears on screen, reading "SOUTH PARK THE STREAMING WARS." The scene then cuts to a bus full of South Park Elementary School students.
Cartman
Yeah, and so, and so then, so then Clyde said that if a chick uses hairspray, you can actually light her head on fire.
Tolkien
Nuh uh.
Cartman
Yeah-huh, Tolkien. You guys want to see? [he turns around to face Kenny] Kenny, do you have matches?
Kenny
Yeah, of course I have matches. [he pulls out a pack and hands it to Cartman.]
Cartman
Check this out, you guys. [he strikes the match and holds it over a girl's head]
Bus Driver
Eric Cartman! [bus brakes] Eric Cartman.
Cartman
What? You're ruining it!
Bus Driver
This is your stop.
Cartman
Oh. Right. [he sadly grabs his backpack.] 'Scuse– 'scuse me. [he walks off of the bus before stopping to look at his friends through the window] Hey. Hey, guys. You want to come hang out at my house for a bit?
Stan
[he looks at Kyle and Kenny] Uh, no, that's cool.
Cartman
It's not my fault that my mom lost her job and we had to move, you guys. It's really not so bad.
Kyle
Uh, yeah, maybe some other time.
Cartman
My house is cool, you guys! Kenny, you wanna come chill?
Kenny
I'm cool, dude. [the bus leaves.]
Cartman
It's still way better than your house, Kenny! 'Cause your family's poor! [he looks down sadly] Your family's poor, Kenny. [he walks up to the house]
Liane
Hi, honey. How was school?
Cartman
Fuck you, Mom.
The bus drops Stan and Tolkien off at their stop.
Stan
You doing anything, Tolkien? You want to come over to my house, play a board game?
Tolkien
Oh, um, I should probably go home.
Stan
Well, okay, you want to play a game over at your house?
Tolkien
Yeah, uh, I-I don't know. Sorry, I'm just… not in the best mood, I guess.
Stan
Hey, are you still worried about Karen?
Tolkien
Yeah.
Stan
Yeah, me too. But we all have to try to just be happy, you know? No matter what happens with Karen.
Tolkien
[he smiles] You're right. Okay, come on. [they both run towards Tolkien's house.]
Randy
Hey. Stan, where do you think you're going?
Stan
I'm gonna go hang out at Tolkien's house for a bit, Karen.
Randy
No, you're not.
Stan
Yes, I am, Karen.
Randy
You better knock that off. I don't want you playing with Tolkien.
Sharon
Karen, just come back inside.
Randy
I've told you I don't want our son hanging out with those people.
Steve
And exactly what do you mean by "those people"?
Randy
I mean traitors who I hired to give my weed more street cred, and then go out and open their own weed business.
Steve
You're not the only weed grower in this valley.
Randy
But I was supposed to be the only black one.
Water Commissioner
Excuse me. [he steps out of his car which is parked nearby.] You the owners of these farms?
Randy
I own Tegridy Weed, the original marijuana farm on this street.
Water Commissioner
Okay, and your name is…
Steve
His name is Karen Marsh.
Randy
You better get that fucking name out your fucking mouth.
Water Commissioner
Well, gentlemen, I'm the Water Commissioner. Colorado Division of Water Resources. I'm here to find out exactly what's going on with this city's water. Weed?
Steve
The city's water?
Water Commissioner
Well, you see, the water here is supposed to make its way to all the thirsty people down in Denver. And, uh… [he lit a joint] Well, there's a lot of thirsty people down there. I just want to see how much you farmers are actually using.
Steve
Okay, well we can show you…
Randy
Well, you should check out his fucking farm. If you're– if you're gonna check out anyone's water, it should be his.
Water Commissioner
All right, maybe I'll do that. [he returns to his car and closes the door as Randy runs away]
Cartman's house. Sad music plays as he sits on the couch, looking down. A montage plays as the song begins.
Cartman


I live in a hot dog
On a lonely old hill
People make fun of me
And that's not cool
I'm isolated from my friends
Against my will
My possessions are now condiments
And that is not cool
And I don't want to live like this
You don't know how I feel
I've got no room to grow
And it is just so not cool
Just once in my life, I'd like cool stuff to happen
Everything keeps changing, and I'm not adapting
I'm crying like a girl and it's super not cool
And I just want something cool to happen
To me
I've lived through such pain
The world's been so cruel
Something's got to happen, something that's cool
I just want something cool to happen…

Unnamed Man #1
This is it, right here. [he points to something from his car window]
Cartman
To me.
Realtor
Okay, right this way, Mr. Cussler. You are going to love this property. It's over 30 acres, and it's in a real up-and-coming area. I think you could build an amazing home here.
Mr. Cussler
Yes. Yes, I believe I could.
Realtor
Now, it's about an hour commute from where you are in Denver, but I think the potential here is fabulous.
Mr. Cussler
Oh, yes. It looks absolutely ideal.
Realtor
Do you like to entertain? Because you could easily build a ten-bedroom house on this property. You could have a dedicated gym, even a full-sized movie theater.
Cartman
Full-sized movie theater?
Realtor
If you want, we can walk around the property. It's a bit muddy, but we can…
Mr. Cussler
That won't be necessary. I'll take it. Full asking price. Cash.
Realtor
Oh– oh– oh…
Cartman
Da-da.
Randy's office. A knock is heard at his door.
Randy
Yes. Come in.
Shelley
Mom said you wanted to see me.
Randy
Yes, Shelley, have a seat. Close the door, please. [Shelley closes the door and sits down] I've been, uh, wanting to talk to you, Shelley. Um… Can you tell me why everyone is calling me "Karen"?
Shelley
[pause] Don't worry about it.
Randy
Well, everybody keeps calling me Karen, and I don't get it. Is it, is it, like, a joke, or something?
Shelley
"Karen" is a pejorative term for a white person who acts overly entitled or demanding.
Randy
Okay, well, that's fucked up. Don't you think that's a little, like, sexist?
Shelley
I didn't start it.
Randy
Well, who did?
Shelley
The internet.
Randy
So– so now somebody is a Karen just 'cause they want to be treated with some respect? I deserve to not have people walk all over me, okay? I have the right to call the cops when things happen.
Shelley
That's fine, Karen.
Randy
Shelley, I deserve to not have– what the fuck is he doing here? [he looks out of his window to see the water commissioner inspecting the fields] Hey. Hey, hey, hey. [he runs outside] Excuse me, this is my property.
Water Commissioner
Your soil seems very hydrated. Must be getting lots of water.
Randy
What are you saying, that I use too much? I use the water that my crops need and nothing more.
Water Commissioner
Is that a Slip 'N Slide over there?
Randy
That is an agricultural Slip 'N Slide, yes Apparently you know nothing about farming.
Water Commissioner
Look, if you have any excess of water, you might actually make some money, that's all I'm saying.
Randy
Make money? Wait, what?
Water Commissioner
You heard of water transfers? See, you have a lease to use some of the water from your stream here, but what you don't use, you could actually sell the rights to. I already talked to your neighbor about it.
Randy
Yeah, well, see, the thing is, this farm is about Tegridy, not stupid water rights. And if you want to keep comin here and bugging me, then I would like to speak to your manager because you are harassing me, and I am important.
Water Commissioner
Well, have a nice day, Karen.
Randy
It's Randy! I know what Karen means. I'm not stupid.
Tolkien's house. Stan and Tolkien are sitting in the living room playing video games.
Steve
What the water commissioner said is true. We have water rights to use 10,000 gallons a month off our stream. If we could cut back our agricultural water use by 50% and show that our excess water is making it down to the Denver Reservoir, then we'd have the right to sell it.
Linda
You really think so?
Steve
I was a financial consultant before I was a weed farmer– there's potential here.
Linda
But how do we even prove the water from our farms makes it all the way to Denver?
Stan
Raingutter regatta.
Steve
What?
Stan
We made those little boats in online COVID camp, remember?
Tolkien
Oh, yeah. I bet we could float that down our stream.
Steve
We demonstrate where the water goes, and meanwhile, we start selling off pieces of our water rights to subscribers that want it. Boys, can you build me a test boat?
Stan
Sure.
Steve
We're about to start our very own… streaming service.
"WAP" by Cardi B plays over a montage of Stan and Tolkien building a popsicle stick boat. They test the boat on the stream, and it floats away.
Steve
The Credigree Weed Streaming service. [he is speaking at a convention] We are currently in beta testing to see if our stream makes it to Denver, but if it does, we are seeing if there are any interested subscribers. [the crowd cheers excitedly]
Tolkien
[testing the boat and running across a bridge] Come on!
The montage continues, with Steve showing slides to a Homeowners' Association. Meanwhile Cartman watches the construction of his neighbor's house from the Coney Island Hotdog stand. Steve Black makes a deal with Pi-Pi and buys a new convertible. Stan and Tolkien's boat makes it to the Denver Reservoir.
Stan
Yeah!
Tolkien
We totally did it, dude!
Steve
As you can see, the water from Credigree Farms flows directly into Denver's water supply.
Mulhulland
Well, in that case, I suppose all your subscribers get to have more water from the reservoir.
Pi-Pi
Oh! Oh! You all make-a Pi-Pi so happy. Now my water park can have a-plenty a-water to mix with all-a the pee.
Mulhulland
Of course, you will have to prove that the flow of water is constant. We'll need a little boat to come through the reservoir every day.
Steve
Every day? [he crouches down beside Stan and Tolkien] Boys, I'm gonna need you to make a lot more boats for my stream. How do you feel about… 20 bucks a boat?
Stan
20 bucks a boat? Hell, yeah.
Tolkien
We're gonna be rich, dude.
Cartman's house. Liane is cooking hotdogs.
Cartman
Mom, Mom, I need to talk to you. Come on, sit down. [he drags her over to the table] Come on, sit down.
Liane
Eric, if you're going to yell at me again about our home, I really don't have the strength.
Cartman
No, Mom. I'm never gonna need to yell at you ever again. We're gonna get out of here, Mom.
Liane
What are you talking about?
Cartman
I've figured our way out of this hotdog. I don't know if you've seen, but there's a rich guy building a big house across the street. We can live in that house, Mom. We can have him take care of us.
Liane
Eric, how would we do that?
Cartman
Because we are gonna get you… fake tits.
Liane
What?
Cartman
Breast implants, Mom. That's what rich guys like. You remember what Matt Damon said? Fortune favors the brave, Mom. When rich guys come up here and get one look at you with your big, sweet tits, they're gonna give us everything…
Liane
Eric, that's enough, okay?
Cartman
What do you mean it's enough? I've– I've figured it all out. Rich guys want a woman with nice titties, Mom. it's very…
Liane
Okay. [she gets up and walks away] Eric, I'm not comfortable talking about this.
Cartman
Well, I'm not comfortable living in a fucking hot dog.
Liane
We live here because I gave in to you and quit my job. What do you want from me, Eric?
Cartman
I want you to get breast implants, Mom. [sniffles] So– so that rich guys like you, and we can go live in a sweet house. Please, Mom, I just want you to get fake tits.
Liane
Eric, even if I wanted to, the fact is, we can't afford it. A surgery like that is very expensive.
Cartman
Life, how expensive?
Liane
At least $10,000.
Cartman
$10,000?
Liane
Yes, Eric.
Cartman
We can't afford it? [he tearfully crumples up the piece of paper] We can't afford it.
Park County Police Station. Yates is looking over a document when he is approached by one of his officers.
Officer
Chief. Chief, there's a big problem.
Yates
What is it?
Officer
We've got a code red emergency call on 911. It's Karen.
Yates
Oh, not Karen again. Jesus Christ. [he picks up the phone] Yes, Karen, how can we help you this time?
Randy
Okay, first of all, I know what it means when you call me Karen, so you can just knock it off. Secondly– secondly, my neighbor's kid is over here at my house.
Yates
There's a kid trespassing at your house?
Randy
No, my son invited him over for lunch, and my wife is making him hot dogs and tater tots, even though I said I don't want him here.
Yates
Well, then, what harm is he doing, Karen?
Randy
His family farm is shady. Did you know that they're doing a streaming service? I demand that you investigate. How did they manage to even show that their water goes through to Denver? Hello? Are you listening to me? I want to talk to your manager!
Yates
I've already told you, Karen, I don't have a manager. [he hangs up]
Tolkien
[sitting at Randy's kitchen table as Sharon puts tater tots on his plate] Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.
Randy
Can you believe that? The cops aren't even gonna do anything.
Sharon
Oh well, at least you tried, Karen.
Randy
[he sits down] It just doesn't make sense. How is that traitor able to prove his water makes it down to Denver?
Stan
Well, um… maybe he got some creative people to put something on his stream.
Randy
Yeah, I'll bet you he did. He's got to be paying some expert or something. Oh, if I could find that guy, I'd pay him double.
Stan
Well, you know, at camp, they had us build these… little boards, that, uh…
Tolkien
They're kind of tough to make, but… I think that we could make you something.
Randy
And then we could float the boats downstream from the farm with little Tegridy sails on them to show people where the water's coming from. Could you guys build be a test boat right away?
Stan
Oh, uh, yeah, we could probably build you something, yeah.
Randy
I can't wait to see the look on that traitor's face when he sees that we're in the streaming business, too.
The bus stop. Kyle and Kenny are standing there alone.
Kenny
Last night, I had a dream that Ariana Grande was trying to fuck her own ass with a gun, but then she farted, and blood shot out her dick.
Kyle
[laughs] Ariana Grande? That's hilarious. [the bus pulls up and they get on.]
Stan
Kyle! Kenny. You guys, get over here. Sit down, you guys. We need to talk.
Kyle
What's going on, dude?
Stan
Check this out. [he pulls out a wad of cash.]
Kyle
Where'd you get that?
Stan
Making stuff for streaming services.
Kenny
Holy shit. Really?
Tolkien
We made these for my family's farm. Then we took another deal to make them for Stan's.
Stan
So then we went out and offered boats to, like, three other farms, and now they want stuff for their streams, too. So you guys want to help us?
Kyle
I don't get it.
Stan
You don't have to. We don't, either. You just have to make boats.
Tolkien
But we want to keep it on the low because we don't want other kids copying us.
Kyle
Are you guys gonna have Cartman help?
Stan
No. He'll fuck it all up somehow.
Kyle
Okay. I'm in.
Cartman
[he sadly gets onto the bus and sighs] Fuck. [the boys stare at him for a moment before Tolkien shushes them.]
Mr. Cussler's property. Construction workers are working on his house.
Mr. Cussler
Faster. Work faster. We need to be up and running.
Water Commissioner
Excuse me. Mr. Cussler, is it?
Mr. Cussler
Who are you?
Water Commissioner
I'm the water commissioner. I just, uh, wanted to see what you're up to up here.
Mr. Cussler
I'm not up to anything. Why?
Water Commissioner
Well, you know, there's a lot of streaming services starting up in this town, and, uh… word on the street is you might be trying to outdo them all.
Mr. Cussler
They're all just small time creeks. When it comes to the Streaming Wars, I intend to be the Amazon… River.
Water Commissioner
Yeah, well, you see, there's regulations, Mr. Cussler. There's state rules when it comes to streaming. And, uh, well, if you don't follow them, bad things can happen.
Mr. Cussler
Is that right? Boys? [two large men walk up beside him] I'm not some pissant little farmer, Commissioner. You want to threaten me, I'll threaten you right back.
Water Commissioner
I didn't mean to threaten you, sir. In fact, I think I can help you.
South Park Elementary School. Music plays while Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, and Tolkien work on building boats for the streaming services.
Tolkien
We've only got 20 minutes left, you guys. We've got to work faster.
Kyle
I'm waiting on more popsicle sticks.
Stan
Come on, Butters, you have to speed up your station.
Butters
I'm sucking down popsicles as fast as I can, fellas.
Cartman
[he walks into the room] There you guys are. [the boys all turn around.] How come you're in the home ec room during recess? Are those popsicle stick boats?
Stan
Oh, yeah. We're just making some popsicle boats. We're gonna, you know, like, race them, you know.
Cartman
You're gonna race all those popsicle boats?
Butters
Yeah, just, you know, race them, see which one wins. Right– right, fellas?
Cartman
Oh. That sounds like a fun activity. Um… I was just gonna ask you guys, do you know any way to, like, raise money?
Tolkien
What do you mean?
Kyle
We have no idea what you're talking about.
Cartman
Okay, I just… I need to try and raise some money because… my mom needs to have a surgery, and we can't afford it.
Kyle
Oh. Dude…
Stan
How much does your mom need for her surgery?
Cartman
About $10,000. I'm sorry, you guys. Just go back to your boat races. I'll talk to you later.
Kyle
Cartman, wait. [Cartman stops and turns back around to face them.] You actually can help us.
Tolkien
Yeah.
Cartman
What do you mean?
Stan
Look, dude, we're actually making money for a streaming service.
Cartman
Really?
Tolkien
Yeah, come on. You can help us, and we'll cut you in on the profits.
Cartman
Oh, my God, what– what streaming service is it?
Butters
It's a bunch of different ones.
Kyle
Here, help me cut out these masts.
Cartman
Okay, yeah, sure.
Kyle
And, Cartman, I'm sorry.
Cartman
Thanks, Kyle.
Denver Reservoir. Mulhulland and a crowd of people wait for the boats to come in from the stream.
Mulhulland
It's a green boat. [the crowd cheers.] Anyone on the green boat streaming service can have their allotment of water for the day.
Unnamed Man #2
Here comes the white boat!
Mulhulland
Subscribers to Kush Country Farms Streaming service have their allotments.
Pi-Pi
Excusi. Excusi. Pi-Pi's been a-waiting all day for his water ticket. My waterpark need water.
Mulhulland
You'll just have to be patient. There's a lot of different streaming services now.
Pi-Pi
Yes, there's a-too many streaming services. There's a streaming service for this-a, and a streaming service for that-a. Pi-Pi can't find his stuff-a. Why can't-a Pi-Pi just have-a one streaming service have-a everything? Pi-Pi got a streaming service he like-a, and then-a Pi-Pi's stuff not on it. Pi-Pi so confuse-a.
A grocery store. The cashier scans boxes of popsicles and bottles of glue.
Stan
Yeah, yeah, we're getting more supplies now. You guys just keep building boats. We'll be there fast as we can.
Tolkien
[walking out of the store with backpacks full of supplies] Dude, I'm starting to think we took on too much.
Stan
It's okay.
Tolkien
It's not okay. We haven't even finished Karen's boats yet. I do not want to piss Karen off.
Stan
Tolkien, I've told you, don't worry about Karen. Everything's gonna be fine. [a white convertible pulls up with Mr. Cussler inside.]
Mr. Cussler
Hello, boys. That's quite a haul you have there. [pause] My name is Mr. Cussler. I bought some property up here. I've been asking around, and, uh… I believe you're the ones responsible… for these? [he pulls out one of the popsicle stick boats.
Stan
Maybe.
Mr. Cussler
Fantastic little boats. I'm a big fan of your work. I have a nice stream going through my property and I'd like you to make something for me.
Stan
Oh, we're– we're pretty, uh…
Tolkien
We're pretty loaded up, man.
Mr. Cussler
Oh, I'm sure you are. That's why I'd like to make you an exclusive deal. I want 10,000 of your little boats, and I'll pay you $15,000.
Stan and Tolkien
$15,000?
Mr. Cussler
But I'm gonna need them right away. Say three days? I have… big plans.
Tolkien
Dude, we can't make 10,000 boats in three days.
Stan
We'll do it.
Kyle's house. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters are working on the boats in the living room.
Kyle
[eyeing Cartman's boat] Cartman, come on, that looks like shit.
Cartman
Come on what, Kyle?
Kyle
Look, I– I know we're making a lot of these, but we still have to make them look nice.
Cartman
Does it really matter?
Kyle
Yes, it matters. The streaming services are paying for nice boats.
Butters
[he laughs] They don't give a fuck, Kyle. They're gonna take everything they can get. Everyone knows, at the end of the day, there's only gonna be, like, three streaming services, so they, like, everyone just wants to have their shit on their stream and get bought out, you know? And they don't give a fuck how good anything is. And the people who made all the deals, they don't give a fuck, 'cause they're all gonna get fired anyway, you know? And everyone working at this streaming service is now working over at that streaming service. No one gives a shit about what fucking goes on in it.
Kyle
Butters, I– I think you've had too many popsicles.
Butters
Yeah, I think maybe I've had one too many popsicles.
Stan
[bursting through the door] You guys, you guys, we did it.
Kenny
What'd we do?
Tolkien
We just got an offer for 10,000 boats.
Stan
It's $15,000, you guys. That's almost $3,000 each.
Butters
We're millionaires!
Kenny
Woo hoo!
Kyle
Hey, hey, aren't you guys forgetting something? [pause] Cartman's mom's surgery?
Stan
Oh, right. Well, what do you say, guys? With this money, before we do anything, we pay for Cartman's mom's surgery.
Tolkien
You definitely have my share, Eric.
Kenny
Mine, too.
Cartman
I really… really… don't fucking deserve you guys.
Kenny
Come on, let's get to work.
Steve Black's house. He is jarring weed buds and turns on the faucet to wash his hands. The pipes creak, and water stops pouring out.
Tom
Just how bad could the water situation get for Park County farmers this summer? A new study says this year's snowpack has completely melted, and, once again, ManBearPig is to blame.
Weatherman
That's right, Tom. It appears ManBearPig has done a lot more damage this year than originally predicted. As the spring thaws continue, we simply aren't seeing that much water from way up on the mountain peaks. If ManBearPig is truly out there, then farmers might want to start looking at the state of that snowpack, Tom.
Steve walks outside, looking up to the mountains to see it is mostly dry. He hikes up the mountain, observing the streams, before finding a South Park Realtors sign for a sold lot.
Unnamed Man #3
Over here. Here!
Steve
What is all this? What happened?
Unnamed Man #3
The housing market up here… it went crazy. We've just been selling properties without sleeping or eating. This property here was the last to get an offer. The seller countered, but we haven't heard back, and it's really a buyer's market.
Steve
Who's buying it all?
Unnamed Man #3
Some rich guy from the city. [coughs] But we are currently taking backup offers, if you'd like. Do you have a broker? We are really the best in town. My coworker Janice sold over 100 listings in 72 hours.
Steve
Look at this. They were right about ManBearPig. There's not nearly as much snow as last year.
Unnamed Man #3
Yeah. There's a lot you can do with this property. It has explosive views, and a southern exposure for those chilly winter nights.
Steve
You can't sell all the land up here. Can't you see they just want the water?
Unnamed Man #3
That's probably why they asked for the inspection contingency. We countered with an extra 20 days until the close of escrow. [chuckles] We got them.
Steve
There's no snow up here. There won't be enough water for South Park.
Unnamed Man #3
[he reaches out to touch Steve's face] You… You could have a walkout basement here with room for an outdoor kitchen. Think of the entertaining potential. Do you like to entertain? [he dies]
Tegridy Farms. Randy steps outside and yawns, beginning a montage of him doing farm work. He walks into the barn and picks out a boat that the boys made, placing it into the stream. Suddenly he spots another boat with a logo reading "Cussler Industries".
Randy
"Cussler Industries"? [several more boats appear] Huh? Huh? Oh! [he rushes to try to blow his boat faster down the stream, but it's knocked over by one of the Cussler boats] My streaming service!
A hospital. Eric Cartman leads a blindfolded Liane into one of the rooms.
Cartman
[singing] Happy surprise time to you. Something's happened that's cool…
Liane
What is this, Eric.?
Cartman
[still singing] Just sit down right here. Your son has done something cool. Are you ready, Mom?
Liane
[giggles] yes. What is it, sweetie? [Cartman pulls the blindfold from her eyes; she looks around.] Wait a minute, Eric, what is this? [the door opens]
Dr. Stevens
Okay, hello, Mrs. Cartman, I'm Dr. Stevens. I understand you're interested in breast augmentation?
Cartman
That's right, she is.
Dr. Stevens
Well, there are a few options. We prefer the saline implants now. They– they can be put either under the chest muscle or on top. Did you have any idea what size breasts you wanted to achieve?
Cartman
The largest size.
Liane
Eric, I've told you a hundred times, I'm not getting a boob job.
Dr. Stevens
Uh, I'm a bit confused here, Mrs. Cartman. Your procedure has already been completely paid for.
Liane
What?
Cartman
Surprise! I raised all the money, Mom. It's done.
Liane
No, Eric. I said I don't want breast implants.
Cartman
You said we couldn't afford it. I went out, and I worked every day, and I got you the money for new tits, Mom.
Liane
I'm fine with my body the way it is.
Cartman
You are, but rich guys aren't. Am I right, Doctor?
Dr. Stevens
Okay, uh, Mrs. Cartman, if you'd like to just go back up to the front office, they can refund all the money.
Cartman
No! No, Doctor, please, I live in a hot dog!
Liane
Because he made me quit my job, and I promised myself I wouldn't give in to him ever again.
Cartman
Get fake tits or else I'll call the police, Mom.
Liane
Do what you want, Eric. I am done with this.
Cartman
Fine, then, I'll run away.
Liane
You'll just have to run away, then.
Cartman
I'll go live with Grandma.
Liane
I'm sure Grandma would love that. I've given in to you too many times, Eric. It stops now.
Cartman
You're not gonna give in, huh? We'll just see about that. Doctor, keep those tits on ice. [he gets up and leaves the room]
Tegridy Farms. Stan is doing homework at the kitchen table. Randy enters, glaring at Stan, before setting down a "Cussler Industries" boat in front of him.
Randy
What is that?
Stan
It's… it's a little boat.
Randy
Stan, are you making stuff for other streaming services? [Stan doesn't answer] Stanley? We had a deal. Are you making stuff for other streaming services, yes or no?
Stan
Yes. This guy paid is a shitload of money.
Randy
I paid you a shitload of money!
Stan
Yeah, we make them for whoever pays us. We make stuff for Credigree, too.
Randy
[angrily] For Credigree? They're the enemy, Stan. You live here. You're exclusive to Tegridy Weed.
Stan
[scoffs] Everyone is fighting and trying to get rich, and we're just in the middle doing our thing.
Randy
Doing your thing. Wow. You're a fucking dick. How much money's enough, Stan? Cock-sucking cunt.
Sharon
[entering the kitchen] What is going on?
Randy
Oh, nothing. Your son and his friends just made exclusive deals for multiple streaming services.
Stan
Ugh.
Randy
Oh, but I guess that's just Karen being Karen again, huh? Yeah, screw whatever Karen thinks. Maybe it's bad for business, but fuck Karen. [he folds his arms]
Stan
Okay, I'm sorry.
Randy
We're going to march right over to where this guys lives, and tell him that you can't possibly take on another streaming service without sacrificing the quality of your product.
Stan
Rats.
Cartman's house. He's packing things into a bag as somber music plays. He clears his throat, looking at Liane, but she ignores it. He puts the bag over his shoulder and walks over to the door.
Cartman
Well, Mom, I guess I'll be leaving now.
Liane
Oh, really? Where are you going?
Cartman
I can't do this anymore, Mom. If you won't listen to me, then I really don't have a choice.
Liane
Well, I'm very sorry to hear that, Eric. I hope you take good care of yourself.
Cartman
Okay, well, I guess I'll just ask you one more time if you would please get fake tits. I know…
Liane
I'm not getting breast implants, Eric.
Cartman
Okay, that's fine.
Liane
So, you're running away?
Cartman
Oh, I'm not running away, Mom. No, that would be the easy way out. You remember when I told you how easy breast enhancement would be, and you said, "If it's so easy, why don't you do it?" Well, I'm taking your advice, Mom. If you won't get fake breasts, then I will.
Liane
What?
Cartman
I've already paid the clinic, and I'll just tell them that the implants were for me. You know it's 2022, right? You know they do surgeries like this to kids now? Guess I'll just go and get fake tits, Mom.
Liane
Well, Eric, I guess that's just your choice.
Cartman
[pause] Mom, I'm serious. It's 2022. They do these kinds of surgeries to kids now.
Liane
Yes, I know.
Cartman
Okay, well, then, I'm gonna go to the doctor, and I'm gonna go get brest implants.
Liane
Okay.
Cartman
Okay, mom, I'm going out the door.
Liane
Okay, sweetie, be safe.
Cartman
Gonna go get fake tits now.
Liane
If that's what you want, Eric.
Cartman
It's not what I want, it's what you're making me do, Mom.
Liane
Okay, honey, well, I love you.
Cartman
Okay, well, I'll see you.
Liane
Bye, honey.
Cartman
[he inches towards the door] Gonna go get breast implants.
Liane
I'll come pick you up when you're done.
Cartman
Cool. [he leaves]
Randy
[he pulls up to Mr. Cussler's property with Stan] Come on.[he knocks on the door]
Realtor
Yes?
Randy
Hello, we'd like to speak with Mr. Cussler, please.
Realtor
For what?
Randy
Well, I want to let him know that my son here made a streaming deal that he had no business making. Didn't you, Stan?
Stan
No, technically, no.
Randy
Technically what?!
Realtor
I'm afraid Mr. Cussler can't see you.
Randy
Oh, really? Okay, well, you go and tell him that it's Karen Marsh, okay? And that I will talk to him right now.
Realtor
He can't talk to you because he's dead.
Stan
What?
Realtor
Mr. Cussler's body was found several hours ago. He was… attacked by ManBearPig.
Mr. Cussler's crime scene. Radio chatter is heard as the police observe the area.
Yates
Everyone keep this area clear. I need casts of the footprints. Keep your radios down. We don't want the press showing up.
Randy
What's going on here?
Yates
Aw, shit, it's Karen. [all the officers groan]
Randy
Hey, look, my son was in business with this guy. You really think he was killed by ManBearPig?
Yates
Take a look for yourself. [he leads Randy to the body] Something tore him apart and shit in his face. Workers found him late this morning. [the camera cuts to Cussler's mutilated corpse] The footprints are those of a pig, but the claw marks are those of a bear, and the excrement, clearly that of a man.
Randy
Why would ManBearPig single him out?
Yates
Apparently this Cussler guy was taking advantage of the water supply. ManBearPig must've gotten some kind of vengeance for the rich guy's greed.
Randy
Oh, no.
Yates
Karen? What is it? [he walks up to Randy and puts a hand on his shoulder] Karen?
Randy
It's just that… if ManBearPig was getting vengeance on Cussler, would he also want to come after my son? [Stan looks down at the boat in his hands, horrified.]
Pi-Pi's Splashtown. Pi-Pi is standing in his office looking over the park when a knock is heard at the door.
Pi-Pi
Ah, yes. Come on-a in. It's-a open.
Steve
[he enters, looking down] Hello, Pi-Pi. Do you have a minute?
Pi-Pi
Oh, my good friend from-a Credigree Farm-a. So nice a-you to visit. Mwah. Mwah. [he kisses Steve's cheeks] Look. Everything going good for-a Pi-Pi waterpark. Everyone having fun.
Steve
Yes, that's what I came to talk to you about. Pi-Pi, I'm sorry, but… I'm going to have to cancel my streaming service.
Pi-Pi
What? Cancel-a Pi-Pi?
Steve
The drought is worse than everyone thought. ManBearPig did a lot of damage this year and… I don't have enough water for my crops.
Pi-Pi
Oh, that's too bad. It's too bad 'cause now you fucked, a-huh?
Steve
I need my water rights back, or else my farm won't survive.
Pi-Pi
Oh, you make-a Pi-Pi cry. What-a you expect-a, huh? It's a drought everywhere. Why you think I buy your water? You can-a suck Pi-Pi dicl, huh?
Steve
Hey, you son of a bitch. You knew what you were doing the whole time. You think I'm just gonna sit here and take it? I'll call the water commissioner.
Pi-Pi
Oh, no. No, you– you don't have to call him. He's right here! [he claps his hands, summoning the water commissioner]
Water Commissioner
Afternoon, pal. How's the drought treating you?
Steve
So, the water commissioner was working for you the whole time. Well, I don't have a problem kicking both your asses.
Pi-Pi
Oh, I'd be a little more worried about the other guy. [he clapped again, this time summoning ManBearPig.]
Steve
[ManBearPig roars and screeches] ManBearPig. He's working for you, too?
Pi-Pi
Everybody wants to get in the streaming business.
Steve
You're the one who bought all the properties on the mountaintop. You just have it all figured out, don't you?
Pi-Pi
Yeah, looks like-a Pi-Pi has it all pretty figured out.
Steve
Goddamn it, I'm not gonna let you… [he screams, getting tossed aside by ManbearPig.] Ah! [ManbearPig picks him up again and throws him into the wall, pulling out a switchblade]
Pi-Pi
I'm sorry, Pi-Pi can't hear you. [ManBearPig pins Steve to the wall, choking him and stabbing him in the stomach with the switchblade]
The hospital. Someone's breathing can be heard.
Dr. Stevens
How is he?
Nurse
I believe he's coming to, Doctor.
Dr. Stevens
Hello, Eric. Just want to let you know that everything went fine. We're gonna let the anesthesia wear off a little more, and then we can let you go home.
Cartman
[stammers] Okay. Um, cool.
Liane
Well, you did it, Eric. I hope you're happier now. They all said you were very insistent. That you said you'd cancel them if they didn't put breast implants in one of us.
Cartman
I– I… I– I have fake tits? [he pulls the blanket off his chest]
Liane
They said that tube is for draining blood while the swelling goes down. Your breasts are swollen now as a reaction to the implants.
Cartman
Okay, well, now that you see how serious I was, what're you gonna do now?
Liane
I'm gonna go down and get some grocery shopping done. [she walks away]
Cartman
Mom? I will go to school like this! You're gonna have to give in at some point. [pause] Mom?
South Park Elementary. The boys are standing in the hallway.
Kyle
Well, have you guys seen Butters or Cartman? What the hell is going on?
Tolkien
I don't know, but we have a lot of boats to make, and recess is almost over.
Stan
You guys. You guys. [he runs up to them]
Kyle
There you are. What's wrong dude?
Stan
Um, we need to stop making stuff for streaming services.
Tolkien
What are you talking about?
Stan
It's all getting really weird. The guy we made the deal with? He was killed.
Kenny
He was killed?
Stan
I think we got greedy. I got greedy. We should've never gotten involved in the streaming wars. They've upset the balance of nature.
Kyle
Hey, whoa, whoa, Stan. We weren't greedy, okay? We made the money for a good reason.
Tolkien
Yeah, dude. Don't forget, everything we did was for a good cause.
Cartman
You guys. You guys, something is seriously wrong with my mom. [the boys all stare at his enlarged breasts] She's acting crazy. Are any of your parents acting weird at all?
Butters
Hey, fellas, are we making more boats for the– Whoa, hello! [he stares at Cartman's chest] Jesus, what happened to you, Eric?
Cartman
Okay, okay, fine. I was hoping everyone would just be cool, but I guess we need to talk about the elephants in the room. This was not a choice. You guys, I… I live in a hot dog, okay? And all I want is to have a real home, and a room that is mine to sleep in at night. To– is something funny, Clyde? [Clyde is stifling his laughter] Yeah, it's real funny. If I were you guys, I'd be super pissed at my mom because you worked hard for this money.
Kyle
All right, Cartman, stop fucking around. Obviously, those aren't real.
Cartman
I didn't say they're real. They're not real. They're silicone implants surgically inserted under the chest muscle.
Kyle
Nobody believes you actually got fake tits.
Cartman
These are real fake tits. Kenny, feel them. Go on. Feel them. [Kenny starts playing with Cartman's breast]
Kenny
Those are fucking real, dude.
Kyle
What?
Cartman
Thank you, Kenny. Now, if we can all get our minds off fucking boobs for a second, something's happened to my mom.
Tolkien
Mom? Mom, what's wrong? [they turn around to see Tolkien talking on the phone] Mom, slow down, I can't understand you. [pause] What do you mean Dad is missing?
Cartman
See?
The water commissioner is lighting a joint in Pi-Pi's office.
Water Commissioner
I want to congratulate you, Pi-Pi. It appears you've won the streaming wars.
Pi-Pi
And I want to thank-a you for your service. It's been-a nice working with you.
Water Commissioner
[chuckles] You think it's over? You're gonna need me more than ever.
Pi-Pi
Oh, but, uh, but I have-a everything I need now. Water? [he offers some to the water commissioner
Water Commissioner
You silly little guy. You really think you own all the water now? You know who actually owns the water? The State of Colorado. Every drop that rains from the sky. Your little water rights won't mean anything when Arizona comes knocking, when Kansas wants all their water.
Pi-Pi
Oh no. You make-a Pi-Pi worry.
Water Commissioner
You're gonna need me for a long time, buddy. [he drinks some of the water]
Pi-Pi
You know who really own the water? Nobody. Now, the people a Denver, they think they have-a plenty of water. So they gonna go and use it all. And when all the water is-a gone, there's only one thing left for people to use. [he smiles] The one thing that-a Pi-Pi have more than everybody, huh? [the water commissioner spits out the water] No, no, no. It's good. It's completely safe. Just a little salty, eh?
Water Commissioner
You're planning on selling piss?
Pi-Pi
It's-a, it's-a destiny. All the fresh water go bye-bye. Everybody gonna have to wash their clothes in pee. Brush their teeth in pee, no? And who has the most pee in all the land-a?
Water Commissioner
Only a psychopath would speed up climate change for his own profit.
Pi-Pi
Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first. [ManBearPig grabs the water commissioner and tosses him around the room.]
A montage plays of a neighborhood watering their lawns. A man is then shown showering, before cutting back to the neighborhood. The Denver Reservoir is slowly losing more water. Randy is then shown reading an article about Mr. Cussler, seeing a photo of himself captioned "Karen Marsh". The camera cuts to ManBearPig releasing a flood of water, and more people using up the water, before credits roll.
End of South Park: The Streaming Wars


  "South Park: The Streaming Wars" edit
Story Elements

Eric CartmanLiane CartmanManBearPig (Character)Talnua CusslerPi-PiWater CommissionerCredigree WeedDenver Reservoir • "Mutiny on the Sea" • "Slippery When Wet" • "Something Cool to Happen to Me" • "Use Me" • "WAP"

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