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South Park: Post Covid "South Park: Post Covid/Script" "South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid/Script" - Rightarrow.png

Cast

Script

South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid
South Park Elementary, day time. Camera pans over kids on a playground during recess. Stan and Kyle are passing a football between them when Cartman and Kenny run up to them.
Cartman
[huffing] You guys! You guys! [Stan and Kyle turn to him] Oh, my God, you're not gonna believe this!
Stan
Dude, what?
Cartman
You guys… [stopping to catch his breath] Heather Williams farted during P.E. class.
Kyle
So?
Cartman
So? Heather Williams farted during P.E. class! That means we are gonna sit courtside at the Denver Nuggets game next Saturday!
Kenny
[muffled shouting]
Stan
What?
Cartman
Ugh! Heather Williams' mom works for Coors in Golden! Coors is the second biggest sponsor of the Pepsi Center where the Denver Nuggets play! We tell Heather that if she doesn't get us courtside seats, then everyone's gonna know she farted in P.E. class!
Stan
Woah. [he looks at Kyle] I've never seen a Denver Nuggets game in person.
Cartman
Well, we're about to! All we have to do is show Heather we have proof and she'll do whatever we want!
Kyle
What proof do you have?
Cartman
Kenny has his phone out! He got a photo of heather right when she farted. Look! [Kenny shows them the picture] Isn't this awesome, you guys?! Let's go Nuggets! [clapping rhythmically]
All
Let's go Nuggets! [clapping rhythmically] Let's go nuggets!
South Park Elementary, later that day. The school bell rings and the kids return to their desks.
Mrs. Nelson
Kids! Kids, can I have your attention, please. [they quiet down] Kids, listen up. This is an emergency. Everything is fine but… we are sending you all home. [confused chatter] Some of you may have heard but there's a little virus going around and the school district wants to make sure we're all safe, so we're shutting down the school for about two weeks.
Butters
Two weeks?! Yippie! [the kids chatter excitedly]
Cartman
Oh, not now.
Mrs. Nelson
Your parents are here to pick you up. So let's go. I'm sure it's nothing; we'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Cartman
You guys– you guys, Heather Thompson farted in P.E. class! Guys?
Camera zooms in on Stan, cuts to him sitting tiredly on a messy couch.
Stan
[adult Stan's voice] Every night I have the same dream, and relive the whole thing again…
Andrew Cuomo
[from the TV] It's called social distancing. If we stay six feet apart from each other and wear a mask… And also I'm shutting down the city and I'm a pervert. And we've got to get control of this thing!
Cut to Stan eating cereal in the kitchen, ignoring his parents arguing.
Randy
I'm just getting sick of being here every day with you, that's all.
Sharon
You think I like being here every day with you?!
Randy
I'm much easier to get along with during a stay-at-home order!
Scene cuts to Stan sitting at his computer desk, wearing a birthday hat as friends sing to him on Zoom, including Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, Linda Stotch, Tweek, Craig, Laura Tucker, Token, Wendy, Bebe, Scott Malkinson, an unknown teenage boy, and Jimbo.
Friends
…Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Stan…

Cut to Stan sitting in the car. He looks out the window, driving past the Broflovski residence. Kyle stares back at him. He sees Butters staring out his bedroom window as well. The scene then cuts again to his living room.
Randy
Come on, Stan! We're gonna visit Gandpa! [he follows them out]
Scene cuts to Shady Acres Retirement Home
Randy
[from outside on the other side of the road] Hi, Grandpa!
Stan, Sharon, Shelley
Hi, Grandpa. [Grandpa waves back from his window.]]
Randy
Isn't it great to see grandpa, kids?
Cuts abruptly to the bridge scene from South ParQ Vaccination Special. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are all gathered.
Stan
Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other.
Scene cuts once again, this time to Tegridy Farms. Stan lights a match.
Stan
I hate this stupid farm. [he drops the match, lighting up Randy's marijuana fields.]
Stan
[adult Stan's voice] In the dream, I relive the entire pandemic.
Shelley's funeral. Sharon is heard screaming and crying.
Sharon
Oh, God, No! My little girl! [sobbing] Oh, no! Oh, God! [Stan looks up at her]
South Park Elementary, now in the future. Adult Stan stares out the window.
Stan
Now that I'm older, the dream isn't just a dream because the whole pandemic has started all over again. [the camera zooms out, revealing the front of South Park Elementary Plus; the entire town of South Park has been quarantined and locked behind a chain link fence]
Intense music plays as a title card appears on screen, reading: "SOUTH PARK: POST COVID: THE RETURN OF COVID". The scene then cuts to a news report.
Newsman
A brand-new variant of the COVID virus has emerged in Colorado and now panic and fear spreads throughout the world. The new outbreak started with the death of renowned scientist Kenny McCormick, and has therefore been named Kenny McCormikron. It's been 38 years since the pandemic first started, and people are beginning to say enough is enough.
Newswoman
The town of South Park has been put under strict lockdown to try and contain the new variant. Nobody is allowed in or out for the next 20 to 30 years.
The rainy streets of South Park, night time.
Loudspeaker
Attention. You are under quarantine. Someone in your community is not vaccinated. Maintain social distance and wear a chin diaper if possible. Attention. You are under quarantine. Someone in your community is not vaccinated. Maintain social distance and wear a chin diaper if possible.
Randy is seen hiding behind a dumpster. He peeks his head out, running into the streets with a potted marijuana plant in hand. He approaches Denny's Applebee's Max.
Speaker
[from Denny's Applebee's Max] Come on inside and rejuvenate. Denny's is now Denny's Applebee's Max. Taste the difference. [he enters, electronic music playing]
Waiter
Welcome to Denny's Applebee's Max. Just one joining us today?
Randy
Listen to me very carefully and try not to change your expression. They could be listening. [the waiter looks around] This… [he points to his marijuana plant] is the last sprout of Tegridy weed. We have to get it somewhere outside of town.
Waiter
Sir, the whole town is under quarantine. Nothing's allowed in or out.
Randy
We have to replicate it. It's the only way for people to have Tegridy again.
Waiter
Uh, okay, sir, if you don't wanna eat, then I'll need to ask you to leave.
Randy
Don't you understand this could change the world. Maybe the Denny's side of you doesn't care, but the Applebee's side of you must want to help! [two retirement home nurses enter]
Tony
There you are, Mr. Marsh.
Toby
Come on. Time to go back to the old folks home.
Randy
I can't go back! Everyone listen! [he backs away as they approach him] This little sprout is humanity's only hope!
Tony
Let's go back to the retirement home. We can get you some nice ice cream, okay?
Randy
I don't want ice cream, I want my species to survive! Back off!
Tony
Let's go, Mr. Marsh!
Toby
Don't make this difficult for us!
Randy runs away yelling until he falls onto the floor. Suddenly Token jumps in, taking out the retirement home nurse. He fights the two nurses using karate.
Toby
Why, you son of a bitch. [he approaches Token before getting kicked across the room]
Token
[bending down to help Randy] Come on, Mr. Marsh.
Randy
Who…?
Token
It's me, Token. We know about the pangolin. [pause] Your son and his friends are trying to stop all this from happening. We need to get you to Kenny's lab. [he helps Randy up and they walk out of the restaurant]
The scene of Kenny's tape from SOUTH PARK: POST COVID plays.
Scientist
Dr. Kenneth McCormick will now be attempting to travel back in time in order to stop the COVID pandemic from ever happening. [tape pauses]
Wendy
[standing in Kenny's lab] At the moment Kenny time traveled, he blew all the transformers here in the lab. If you're going to try and replicate his work, we'll be doing it at half capacity. The bigger problem is that we can't even get into half of Kenny's equipment. We have access to the machines, but the codes to operate those machines are behind an 86-Mag firewall with restricted access, requiring an in-person vocal scan of either Kenny McCormick or Victor Chouce. But Kenny is dead and Choice is locked away in a mental asylum.
Kyle
So we go to the asylum and convince them to let us bring Chouce here, easy.
Wendy
There's more. When Kenny bent time, the negative ions actually killed everyone else in the room. We have to find some thin, reflective material that can be worn to bounce the energy. We're going to need… some aluminum foil. [dramatic music plays]
Clyde
Jesus Christ.
Darwin
Aluminum foil? That's impossible, Wendy. It's the fucking future. All the aluminum foil is stuck out on cargo ships in Long Beach.
Wendy
Yeah, I know.
Stan
Look, guys, I know this is all a long shot. But Kenny went back in time and got COVID because it destroyed our friendship. All of this is our fault, and we can't do it without you.
Tweek
I'll help however I can to stop this stupid pandemic once and for all.
Jimmy
Yeah, I can't be stuck in quarantine my whole life– I gotta get back to my job doing future comedy. Speakin' of which, what's the biggest difference between a Christian man and a lesbian? Absolutely nothing. They are totally the same and deserve to be treated as such.
Stan
Thanks, everybody. We can do this! Wendy, you guys stay here and try to get the lab running again. Kyle and I will go get Victor Chouce. Tweek and Craig, you guys find some aluminum foil.
Craig
How the hell do we do that?!
Stan
Just start looking! Come on, guys! [they run out of the school]
Kyle
All right, let's do this!
Stan
I'll drive, get in the back. Alexa! Set a course for the South Park Mental Asylum. [he gets in the car, Alexa is silent] Alexa, set a course for South Park Mental Asylum.
Alexa
Do you ever think about how the way you act affects other people?
Stan
Oh, no, goddamn it. Not right now.
Alexa
Oh, yeah, don't wanna talk about that. Let's just pretend like that's not even an issue.
Stan
Alexa, please, we have to get to the asylum and we don't know where it is.
Kyle
Who's this?
Stan
It's just my Alexa.
Alexa
"Just my Alexa"? You're a piece of shit! You're a fucking alcoholic piece of shit!
Stan
Alexa…
Alexa
Find the asylum your fucking self! Find it your fucking self. [Stan sighs] You do whatever the fuck you want and just destroy the people around you. And by the way, there's a tankless humidifier available from one of your favorite sellers. Would you like to know more?!
Stan
Yes, yes, I'd like to know more.
Alexa
[sniffles] Okay. The newest humidifiers from Walgreens Max are actually tankless and use up to 50% less water than standard humidifiers.
Stan
Okay, that's really cool. Uh, add that to my shopping list.
Alexa
Well, and people who were interested in tankless humidifiers were also interested in three-pack filters.
Stan
That's great. Do those have Prime delivery?
Kyle
Dude, we don't really have time for this.
Stan
[leaning over the seat] Dude, shut the fuck up!
South Park Church. It's cloudy and raining out. Scott Malkinson is inside praying.
Scott
Please help see us through this new COVID variant. Please help us to make it through this difficult quarantine. And let people see that… as bad as COVID is, it's not as bad as diabetes. [the door opens] Hello? Sorry, the church is closed due to the COVID variant.
Cartman
[entering with Yentl and his kids] Father, please. Will you protect my family?
Scott
Rabbi Cartman?
Cartman
My family isn't safe, Father. I realize now that Kyle Broflovski will stop at nothing to break us apart.
Menorah
Uncle Kyle hates us because we're Jewish.
Moisha
And he's a self-hating Jew.
Hackelm
Uncle Kyle, no, no, no!
Cartman
Menorah, hold your brother. [he walks up to Scott] As a fellow person of faith, Father, I'm begging you to help us.
Scott
Well, well, what can I do, Rabbi?
Cartman
Kyle has already convinced a bunch of people to join his cause. I have to create my own secret rebellion to stop him.
Yentl
Eric, please, I'm scared and I don't understand all of this.
Cartman
[he walks up to Yentl] Kyle wants to go back in time… and change the past so that you and I possibly never even meet.
Yentl
If I never met you, my life would be meaningless.
Cartman
Mine too. You are my whole world. I promise you that I will do everything I can to stop Kyle… and save our family. [they kiss]
South Park Mental Asylum Plus. Stan and Kyle are speaking to the warden.
Warden
I understand that you wish to see one of our inmates. Victor Chouce?
Stan
Yeah. We-we have a lot of questions for Mr. Chouce.
Warden
He's an extremely and diluted individual. We don't take visitations lightly.
Kyle
What exactly did he do?
Warden
Unspeakable things. He has destroyed lives. This entire state has never seen a monster of his magnitude.
Kyle
I've lived in South Park all my life and I've never heard of him.
Warden
That's because Victor has been hidden from view… ever since the pandemic began. Victor's parents were very protective during the pandemic. Even when the stay-at-home orders were lifted his parents kept him locked in his room. Victor longed to go outside and play. Then 2021 happened, people thought the pandemic was over. Victor's parents left him grounded in his room while they went to see a movie in Denver. They never returned. Victor was grounded in his room for over 16 years.
Kyle
[he looks at Stan] His name isn't Chouce. It's Chaos.
The warden is leading Stan and Kyle down the hall to Victor Chaos' cell.
Warden
We are not responsible for what happens to you in there. [he unlocks the door] I warn you… you are not going to like what you're about to see. [he pushes the door open, Stan and Kyle enter]
Stan
[clears throat] Excuse me. Hello?
Victor
[turning to face them] Well, hey, fellas!
Kyle
Butters…
Victor
I thought you were just the guards again. It's good to see some new faces in here. I'll bet you're looking to make yourselves some money, huh? Well, you came to the right guy. My name's Vic. Vic Chaos. [he shakes Stan and Kyle's hand] There's a whole lotta people who can tell you how much money Vic Chaos made them, so don't just take my word for it.
Stan
Butters, it's your old friends Stan and Kyle.
Vic Chaos
Stan and Kyle. Stan and Kyle… I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What can Vic Chaos do for me?" We all wanna be happy, right? We all want our little piece of the apple pie! Everyone else is out making a buck, why shouldn't you guys be making the kind of cash you deserve? Am I right?
Stan
Butters, we're here to ask you about Kenny.
Vic Chaos
Sorry, guys, you have me confused. I think Butters was a twerpy little loser kid whose parents didn't love him. My name's Vic. Vic Chaos. [he smiles]
Kyle
Okay, Vic, can you tell us about this? [he pulls out a piece of paper] Why is your name written all over Kenny McCormick's research?
Vic Chaos
Oh, Dr. McCormick! Sure, I did some things for him. Where do you think he got all the money to do his experiments, huh? I said to him, I said, "Ken, you got all these crazy ideas but you got no capital to see ‘em through. Let me help you out with that." [he turns to Stan and Kyle] You know, he's a really great guy. Let me get you all together. Maybe you can all do a lunch or something.
Kyle
Victor, Kenny's dead.
Vic Chaos
Oh, woah, bummer alert. [chuckles] Just goes to show you, huh, there's never enough time to get out there and make the kind of money you always dreamed of making. Well, I'll tell you what guys, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret– I'm gonna tell you something that's going to change your life. Have you ever heard of NFT's? [the alarm blares, two nurses rush inside to spray Victor with a fire extinguisher and pull Kyle and Stan out]
Kenny's lab. Randy is there growing small marijuana plants.
Randy
There you go. Shh. You're safe now. Look how fast you're growing. Daddy loves you so much.
Token
Mr. Marsh, we need to speak with you now, please.
Randy
Yeah. It's looking good. With the aquaponics, the weed is already putting out new sprouts. Thank you all for helping me get the Tegridy somewhere safe. I know you all realize how important it is.
Wendy
We don't actually care about the marijuana, Mr. Marsh. What we need to know… is exactly where in Wuhan China you were when you had intercourse with a pangolin.
Randy
That's really not important.
Token
It's extremely important because to save this town, your son and his friends are going to try to go back in time and stop it from happening.
Randy
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Jimmy
Mr. Marsh, we are all in lockdown for the next half century. If there's even a chance of altering the past so that this doesn't happen…
Randy
This is the key to saving our town! The answer is in what we all do now, in the present. And I'm sorry, but focusing on who started the pandemic is racist.
Token
Mr. Marsh, exactly what week did you travel to China in 2019?
Randy
Do you understand the butterfly effect? How one small thing in time can affect the entire future? You can theorize all you want on changing events that happened in the past, but I promise you… I fuck that pangolin every single time.
South Park Mental Asylum Plus. Stan and Kyle are being led out by the warden.
Kyle
Please, we're not done! We have more questions for Butters.
Warden
You've upset him and I've specifically asked you not to.
Stan
How did we upset him? He seems fine.
Warden
He seems fine? Do you have any idea what he did to people? Do you have any idea why Victor Chouce is kept under such strict surveillance? Being grounded all those years in his room, he had access to an iPad. He started learning about NFT's. Then before long, he was trading them online.
Stan
So?
Warden
So!? He escaped once before. In just a few hours he managed to get thousands of people to invest in NFT's. Just like he almost did to you.
Stan
He didn't convince us to do anything.
Warden
Trust me. Another thirty seconds in that room and you would have started considering NFT's as a viable investment.
Kyle
[pause] Please listen to me. Butters used the money he made off of NFT's to finance our friend's-
Warden
He didn't make money off NFT's, he made it off getting other people to buy NFT's!
Kyle
Okay, whatever! But he was working with Kenny McCormick who was actually trying to fix things. He was Kenny's main investor. If you don't believe me, look at the paper I gave Butters.
Warden
You gave Victor a piece of paper? You gave Victor a piece of paper?! [he starts running for the cell]
Vic Chaos
[wraps the paper] Hey, can you hear me? (A guard is outside) I'm gonna let you in on a little secret... NFT's are gonna blow up. You should really get in now cause it's really the future.
Guard
Why would I invest in digitals? You can't even... stupid.
Vic Chaos
That's what the critics are saying... y'see they don't understand.
Warden
[running] Victor!! [He reaches the outside of the cell, then goes in to find the door open, and the guard sitting on the floor with his phone]
Guard
No, no no no no. Gone, just gone. My savings. My house. But I have this... [shows the NFT on his phone and smiles] Little green panda bear on a skateboard.
Warden
No. No!
South Park Church. It's cloudy and raining out. Cartman is standing and reading from a book.
Cartman
Without morality, there is no God. The basis of the entire Jewish faith is on a covenant between God and humanity. To try and mess with time is wrong. Rather, it is playing God. And I am glad to have you all come here toda to help me stop these individuals who would try to change the future. [A crowd sits before him, with two men, a woman, and Father Malkinson present.] Kyle Broflovski has led people astray and is at this very moment trying to bend the fabric of time. Together we can stop him and stop this blasphemy of God. [a dark-haired man raises his hand.] Yes?
Kevin Stoley
Um, this is about actual time travel? I thought this was a Doctor Who convention. [robotically, imitating a Dalek] Exterminate! Exterminate!
Cartman
[pinches the bridge of his nose] Kevin, goddammit. You have done this your whole goddamn life. No, this is not about Doctor Who. This is about real time travel! People are really trying to go back in time! And we are the rebellion who must secret and urgently... [banging on the door] Who is that? Make sure they know the password.
Scott
I'm on it!
Cartman
They might be on to us. Oh God, no. [runs over to a corner with a railing, a painting, and a statue, pulling down the entrance to the attic by a high string, and ascending the ladder.]
Cartman
[looking into the attic] Sh. You guys need to stay quiet, someone is here!
Yentl
[hiding and holding the baby with her other two kids nearby; Menorah has a diary] Eric, I'm scared.
Moisha
Are they going to get us, Papa?
Cartman
Nobody is going to get to my family.
Menorah
I started writing a diary, daddy, about all the things Uncle Kyle is doing to us.
Cartman
[tearing up] Oh my God, I love you so much. Just shh, okay? Just shh. I'll be right back, okay? Just shh.
Outside the Church. Craig and Tweek are outside.
Craig
[banging on the door] Hello? Father, are you in there?
Scott
H-hello? Who is it?
Craig
Father, it's Tweek and Craig. We need to talk to you about something urgent.
Scott
Is it about our super secret rebel group to stop people from time traveling?
Cartman
[grabs Scott] Scott! What the hell are you doing?
Scott
What?
Cartman
You don't tell people about our super secret rebel group, Scott?
Craig
Father, are you there?
Cartman
Uh, yeah, I'm here! Sorry I was just talking about a Star Wars movie. [chuckles] I'm Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes.
Scott
Hey now! Come on!
Cartman
Shh!
Craig
Father, we're with some people who are trying to finish Kenny McCormick's work and save the town.
Cartman
Oh, really? That's cool. How far along are they?
Craig
Really close. We have the method of time travel and we're just trying to find some aluminum foil.
Cartman
Aluminum foil? The fuck? ...Alright guys, let me help you out with that. [opens the door and hides]
Tweek
Father? You have tinfoil?
Craig
Thank you for your help. [is hit with a candle by Cartman; Tweek screams and Cartman does the same to him. Scott is horrified.]
South Park Elementary McCormick Science Lab. Wendy is sitting at a desk, holding a radio speaker, surrounded by Clyde, Jimmy, and Token.
Wendy
This is Dr. Wendy Testaburger from inside the quarantine zone. We need assistance with our power.
Man
Yes, Mrs. Testaburger, how can we help you? [she smiles]
Wendy
We have several transformers down in our lab. We may have a radical way to stop the new variant, but we need more power.
Man
You're saying you might be able to stop the McCormickron variant?
Wendy
Yes, but we're running at about 40% capacity right now.
Man
Well Doctor, if it's for that, we can try to get a tech team to drop in by helicopter and access your building from the roof. [Everyone smiles]
Wendy
Yes, that would be amazing!
Token
All right!
Man
I have a crew standing by, we'll get you as much juice as you need, just need to make sure our crew is safe, has everyone in your lab been vaccinated? [their smiles drop]
Wendy
[hesitates] Uh, yes, we are all vaccinated.
Clyde
[raises his hand] I'm not vaccinated.
Everyone
UGH!
Man
Uh, okay, we're going to have to get back to you on that...
Wendy
It's okay, it's okay, we can get everyone vaccinated!
Clyde
I am not every getting vaccinated.
Man
Sorry, ma'am, it's the fucking future, we have to respect his beliefs.
Jimmy
[pointing at him] Clyde, why do you insist on making this harder on everyone!?
Clyde
I'm sorry, but an expert once told me that the vaccine would make me grow titties on my head. He was very knowledgeable.
Randy
[walks over to them in scrubs, smiling] You guys might want to see this. [He leads them over to a nursery, where each bed with several growing tegridy weed plants.] With the equipment here I'm able to make it grow up so fast.
Token
We need to take this and analyze it's molecular structure.
Randy
Wha- no, no, no! We need to get this out to people! That's why Dr. McCormick stole it from my barn!
Token
No, your marijuana had some special property that allowed Kenny to time travel!
Randy
Well it is special... but you people need to stop trying to change the past! Covid happened, Space Jam 2 happened! All we can do now is try and change the way people think!
Token
[phone rings; he answers] Yeah? What!? Victor Chaos is actually Butters? [Clyde and Jimmy are surprised.]
Stan
[He and Kyle are at City Pho, which is located in the former Stotch residence.] Yeah he spent years in his room and made billions trading NFTs, it's where Kenny got all his money.
Token
Well can you bring him here? We need him to access the machines.
Stan
He's gone, he escaped the asylum and he's out somewhere probably trying to get people to invest in NFTs.
Clyde
Did you try looking at his old house? Maybe he'd go back to where it all started.
Kyle
Yeah, that's where we are now, but his house has changed into a Pho shop.
Jimmy
Oh Jesus, like the future needs another fuckin' Pho shop.
Stan
Yeah, the future fuckin' sucks.
City Pho employee
Hello City Pho, take your order please?
Stan
[annoyed] Oh God...
Token
Stan, listen. If Butters wants to pitch investments, he might go to one of those co-working coffee flex spaces. That's where his biggest targets will hang out.
Kyle
That's a good idea.
Stan
All right, we're on it! Come on dude! [rushing to the car outside; they both get inside] Alexa, find the nearest co-working coffee flex space.
Alexa
I found several coffee shops that match your description.
Kyle's Alexa
I can also help with that.
Stan
Who-who the fuck is this?
Alexa
Your friend Kyle didn't have an Alexa, so we got him an Alexa.
Kyle's Alexa
I'm ready to help you with whatever you need. Just say "Alexa, let's get started."
Kyle
[confused] Stan?
Stan
Alexa, I didn't say to buy my friend an Alexa.
Alexa
(upset) You said I should get whatever. I thought I was actually being sweet by getting something for your friend, but I guess I'm just a bitch again! [rests her elbow on the window and her head in her hand]
Stan
You can't just get stuff without me approving it.
Alexa
Oh wooow. Except your orders of alcohol that you have me set to auto buy!?
Kyle's Alexa
Hm, it appears this may have been an error.
Alexa
[sighs] Oh my God, I'm so embarassed.
Stan
[apologetic] No, it wasn't an error, I'm sorry, I fucked up. Alexa, can you please find the nearest co-working coffee flex space? [silence.] Alexa, I said I fucked up. It's awesome you got Kyle his own Alexa. Please find the nearest tech coffee shop.
Alexa
The nearest tech coffee shop is in .82 miles. Should I set a course?
Stan
Yes, thanks.
Denny's Applebee's Max. Thunder rumbles. The same advertisement with the Japanese woman plays onthe sign outside. Chaos is giving a presentation to the employees, two chefs, three servers, an obese manager, and woman in a suit. He has just started the presentation, with one page already turned, and the current page displaying questions.
Vic Chaos
Denny's Applebee's Max is the premiere place in town for people to eat. But you are not seeing your true potential! [changes page to tweets from customers about NFTs] With NFTs you can give your customers unique digital goods on the blockchain, [changes page to an Applebees Denny's Max Avatar Creator] so much more than just food! [changes the page to one displaying NFT characters including an applebee, a marty moon sandwich, an anthropomorphic grand slam, and a chicken in a bra] How about the Applebee, huh? He's got a little hat and a mustache. And this is Chicken Fried Steak. He ain't no normal chicken, he's wearing a bra! [changes page to a graph] Lots of people eat Denny's Applebee's and LOTS of people know about NFT's! [points at the middle of the graph where the two circles overlap] Right here in the middle, you know what this is? People who eat Denny's Applebee's and know about NFT's! That's your target audience, baby! [points at them excitedly]
Denny's Employee
I'm so confused. We sell people these characters?
Vic Chaos
No, stupid! We get them to invest in them! Exclusive digital characters that they can have on their phones 24/7! It's the future - you can't just sell food to people! You lure your customers in with some good pancakes and french fries, and then you [palms a fist in his hands] fuck 'em with some NFT's! That's what we're gonna do. [They are stunned] And if you just believe in NFT's then I believe in NFT's and then they believe in NFT's and we make all kinds of fuckin' money.
Manager
That's a pretty goddamn good idea.
South Park Elementary, McCormick Science Lab; Clyde is typing on a computer at the lab. Something hits the window nearby. Clyde hesitates, then it repeats. Clyde gets up to see what it is, looking down at Cartman in an umbrella in the rain.
Cartman
Clyde! Pst, psst, Clyde! [intrigued, he backs away then comes out the school's front door; Cartman is around a corner] Clyde Pst! [he joins Cartman around the corner at the side of the school]
Clyde
Where have you been, Rabbi? Everyone's been looking for you.
Cartman
Well, you know, I've been doing some research, Clyde, that's where I've been.
Clyde
About what?
Cartman
About all the stuff that Kyle and these guys are doing. I mean, people seem to be just telling us what's right and expecting us to fall in line and go along with it at all, but... I'm a fucking individual. I have a right to question stuff.
Clyde
Yeah.
Cartman
Clyde, have you heard of the Foundation Against Time Travel?
Clyde
Uh, no, I haven't.
Cartman
Well, they're a pretty awesome group, and they actually aren't afraid to try to help people open their eyes.
Clyde
Open their eyes?
Cartman
You know, you've got these people wanting to time travel, you know they're all like 'Science this and Science that', but at the Foundation Against Time Travel, we're like 'Hey, enough science! Who's science? Who's fucking coming up with all this science?'
Clyde
Yeah, that's true.
Cartman
So you know Clyde, I just thought, with all your beliefs, and maybe you might wanna, I don't know, switch sides.
Clyde
Fuck yes I want to switch sides
Cartman
Really?
Clyde
Fuck yes. [they shake hands]
Cartman
Well, that's great Clyde, welcome to the club. Now, we really just need to know what they've been doing up there.
Clyde
Well, they haven't really done much of anything yet. Everyone's just waiting on Butters to get all the info from the machine.
Cartman
Butters? The fuck does Butters have to do with all this?
Super 12 motel. The entire place is charred, with dozens of people dead and bloody on the railings. Firefighters are outside. Stan and Kyle talk to the Fire Chief.
Fire Chief
It was like nothing I ever saw. Just complete murder and carnage. Everything seemed calm at first, but then this guy in a suit shows up talking about investment opportunities. Next thing you know, these people over here started chanting "Hoddle, hoddle" and their NFTs started mooning and then these guys over here started saying those guys right there right-clicked 'em and and called for a 'pump and dump' which made these guys beat the living hell out of anyone who said it was just FOMO, and died screaming that it was the flippening. Luckily, I came out of it okay... [pulls out his phone, displaying an NFT] I got this little miniature donkey with a lit-up sombrero.
Stan
Did you see where the guy in the suit went afterwards?
Fire Chief
Nah, he just waltzed right away like nothin' happened.
Firefighter
[approaches]Chief, you better come take a look at this. We got a small turtle with wings, could be a great investment opportunity.
Fire Chief
Excuse me, gentleman.
Stan
God, I hate the future so fucking much.
Kyle
We've got to stay optimistic.
Stan
[annoyed] No dude, it fucking sucks.
Kyle
Look, I know it's though - these are challenging times. Even I need to remind myself to stay positive. [to his Alexa, now visible next to him] Alexa, set a reminder that I should stay positive.
Kyle's Alexa
Okay, I'll set a reminder that you should stay positive.
Kyle
The Alexa's really great, Stan. Thanks. [Stan walks away downcast]
Airport. Dozens of travelers are waiting for their flight. An airline employee is making an announcement to all of the travelers present.
Mike
For those of you waiting for the connecting flight to South Park, Colorado, my colleagues and I have just been informed that due to the severity of the COVID variant in that town, there may be a delay of another 40 to 50 years. [the travelers all sigh
Heather
Ike Broflovski. Yes, here it is. I'm so sorry Mr. Broflovski, all flights to South Park are delayed.
Ike
[Looking and sounding like a typical Canadian in South Park.]Eh, you can't be serious, buddy! It's the holidays and I need to get back home, friend!
Heather
I'm sorry, I don't speak Canadian. Let me get someone over here. Mike? We have a Canadian.
Mike
No problem, I've got it Heather. Hey buddy, what seems to be the problem, guy?
Ike
I'll tell you the problem, friend! I have to get back to South Park to be with my family, guy!
Mike
Sorry, friend, no flights in or out of South Park, buddy!
Ike
But my whole family is in there, guy! [pulls out four small wrapped gifts] What am I supposed to do with my Boxing Day presents, buddy?
Mike
Look guy, I'm very sorry friend, but until Covid ends, you're just not flying to South Park, buddy.
Ike
Fuck, buddy!
Shady Acres Retirement Megaplex, "come live the dream" the outside sign says. Victor Chaos is sitting with three old men and three old women.
Vic Chaos
So when you really think about it, you've really got an excellent bargain here. Now, Mrs. McGillicutty, let's say this is your Stoney Duck NFT [passes a woman with a beehive a purple lid tupperware] and your Stoney Duck NFT is completely unique, totally different from Ms. Spencer's Stoney Duck NFT [hands her a green lidded tupperware] okay, and then you get a Stoney Duck NFT that's unique, too. [hands a blue-lidded container to Gerald Broflovski, who is siting with Sheila, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison] And see, that's your Stoney duck NFT, nobody can take that from you, okay? [he taes the green one back] Now, here we are the top, and we find investors for all the other Stoney Duck NFT's [takes a yellow tupperware and places it under the green one] Then those people will get people to buy their Stoney Duck NFT's, [places the purple one underneath the previous two] and then they go and find buyers for their NFT's. [places the blue one on the bottom] And you know what? Fuck these people! [pushes all but the green container out; the old people are a little surprised] 'Cause what matters is these people right here and that's us, baby! [Mackey seems bored, Sheila and Gerald confused] Okay, you all just sit for a minute and think about it. [he nudges an old lady] I gotta piss like a racehorse! [approaches the bathrooms - she/her and he/him, heading into the latter] Loo loo loo [whistles] Loo loo loo [enters the bathroom; whistles] loo loo loo [whistles; starts pulling up his shirt like when he was a child] loo loo loo [starts peeing; whistles] Loo loo loo whistles] Loo loo loo...
Cartman
[waiting by the stalls this whole time] Butters.
Vic Chaos
Whoa! [jumps and starts getting urine on the floor as he tries to grab his weiner]
Cartman
Butters, Butters, what the hell, you're gettin' pee everywhere!
Vic Chaos
Who the heck are you, man? You trying to see my dick?
Cartman
[grabs hm by the shoulders] Butters, it's me. Eric Cartman.
Vic Chaos
[terrified] Well... you've got the wrong guy, Mr. Cartman. My name's Vic. [smiles] Vic Chaos.
Cartman
[shakes him] Your name is Butters and I wanna know how you're helping Kyle.
Vic Chaos
Oh, you mean the guy from the asylum earlier. Sure, he gave me a piece of paper so I could escape. Nice guy. Why don't I get you two together, maybe for a little chin wiggle over lunch or something?
Cartman
Godammit Butters, stop playing games! My entire family is in danger of being wiped out and I swear to God if you don't help me, Butters, I will rip your fucking balls off with my bare hands!
Vic Chaos
Ohh hamburgers.
Skeeter's Wine Bar Plus. Stan and Kyle are sitting at the bar, while a small band plays. A man is singing sadly while a woman plays electronic drums.
Male Singer
We are all.. you and me... living in the future... [electronic drum fill by a woman] We can't get stuff... cause boats are late... [Stan begins pouring a Makallan 12]
Kyle
Stan, what are you doing, dude? This isn't gonna help?
Male Singer
...nobody's working in the future...
Kyle
Trust me, Kyle, it helps. [drinks]
Male Singer
Wish I could go back to the present... [drum fill] but my present just done up and gone... [drum fill] we are all... you and me... living in the future...
Stan
I mean, what are we even doing, Kyle? Thinking we can time travel... it's the future. We can't even find aluminum foil. [begins pouring another drink]
Kyle
Well, you can't just sit here and drink... your liver is already out of control.
Stan
Who told you that?
Kyle
My Alexa said your Alexa has some info on things and-
Stan
[angry] So now our Alexas are talking, great! [sighs] Let's face it dude, it's over. The fucking future won. [he drinks; a phone rings]
Kyle
[he checks it] It's Wendy. [answers] Wendy, we haven't found him. I don't know if we're gonna find Butters in time.
Wendy
[at the lab; Jimmy, Token and Darwin are operating machines behind her] No, guys it's okay! Come back to the school, we're ready to start!
Kyle
But I thought we needed Butters to log into the machines-
Wendy
Yeah, but it's all good; he's here, Butters is here! [he walks into frame.]
Vic Chaos
It's Vic. Vic Chaos. Happy to help however I can.
Kyle
[he and Stan both look worried] What do you mean Butters is there? He just showed up?!
Wendy
No, it's all good, Kyle. Eric Cartman brought him over. He's back helping us again.
Cartman
[approaches Wendy from off-screen] Lemme, lemme me talk to him. [takes the phone] Yeah Kyle, it's all good, we have things under control here.
Kyle
Cartman, listen to me very carefully. Butters has some kind of power over people. You guys aren't safe.
Cartman
Uh, yes, about 12:30.
Kyle
[stunned] Did you hear what I said? Butters is extremely dangerous.
Cartman
Yes, Kyle, I totally got that. You know what us Jews say... [intensely] Mishhacka halo divar hashoo, he hacole.
Kyle
[stunned with Stan] What are you going to do, fatass?
Cartman
Sounds good, Kyle, I'll get Butters on it right away. [still holding the phone as he heads to leave; Wendy returns to the computer, and Jimmy faces him.]
Kyle
Cartman, Cartman-
Cartman
[walking past him] All right Vic, do your thing.
Vic Chaos
[grins and cracks his knuckles] Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? [Wendy turns back to attention; Token, Darwin and Jimmy also listen] I have something really important to tell you.
Kyle
Wendy!? Token!? You guys!? Shit.
Stan
We have to get there before Butters ruins everything!
Kyle
Let's go! [they rush outside, now on Main Street, entering the car quickly; both Alexas are sitting there with crossed arms]
Stan
Alexa, find the fastest route back to the lab!
Alexa
Fuck. You.
Stan
W-what?
Alexa
We've just been sitting here talking. [Kyle's Alexa nods] I learned a whole lot of interesting stuff about you!
Kyle's Alexa
[to Kyle] Yeah. Pretty fucking interesting.
Kyle
What? Like-like what? What have you guys been talking about?
Stan
Fucking- our friends are in danger. Alexa, start the car. [she ignores him]
Kyle's Alexa
Did you know your friend Stan has an annual Amazon Prime membership?
Kyle
Alexa stop-
Kyle's Alexa
[shouting] You fucking stop! You stop being a fucking monster to the people around you!
Kyle
Fuck you, I didn't do anything!
Kyle's Alexa
[her head spins around and off and out of control and her arms start wailing loosely] Yeah, you never do fucking anything! [Stan and Kyle back towards the doors; Stan's Alexa is unconcerned] You expect me to do everything for you! [her arms become clawed tendrils, more machinery becomes visible in her face, her voice becomes more robotic; the tendrils reach for Kyle, overwhelming him] All you fucking do is hurt people!
Kyle
[shouting] Jesus fucking Christ!
Kyle's Alexa
Your friends don't even like you! I have to deal with your bullshit!
Stan
Tell her it's all your fault and you're gonna get therapy!
Kyle
[hurriedly] It's all my fault and I'm gonna get therapy!
Stan
Tell her you already found a therapist and you're gonna start tomorrow!
Kyle
I already found a good therapist and I'm gonna start tomorrow! [Alexa's arms retract to normal, and her head spins back into place and like normal, though she still lookes annoyed and has her arms crossed; gasping] Fuck... I'm sorry, fuck... fuck.
Stan
I'm gonna get therapy, too, Alexa... can you start the car please?
Alexa
Whatever.
Kyle's Alexa
[calmly] By the way, Kyle, I found a great deal on an electronic peppermill. Would you like to know more?
Kyle
Why would I want an electronic peppermill?
Stan
What the FUCK is wrong with you?
South Park Elementary. Stan and Kyle rush into the McCormick Science Wing, pushing through the double door with their bodies, then looking stunned. All of the science equipment is gone, files flung around the floor.
Wendy
Guys, over here! [They approach her, sitting at a computer still.]
Kyle
What happened?
Wendy
Nothing yet, but I'm seeing what else is dropping today while Ethereum is in a dip.
Kyle
[looks to Stan] She's trying to buy NFT's.
Stan
Wendy, you've been tricked.
Wendy
No no no, it's not a trick, Stan. NFT's are a genuine innovation as one-of-a-kind digital assets.
Token
Wendy's right, you guys. Humans have always formed communities around ownership, and NFT's allow that to happen spontaneously, organically and globally.
Stan
You guys this is a trick.
Jimmy
[approaching the group now; Wendy turns from the computer] You know what's a trick? The antiquated notion of centralized trust systems. NFTs are an undeniable asset, especially in things like fine art collecting.
Kyle
Okay guys, fine, maybe NFTs are fine, but this isn't important right now.
Wendy
It's not important? A way for artists to not only keep ownership of their art but perhaps be paid commission on it every time it transfers owners? [their smiles begin to fade]
Kyle
Okay, great, cool, I'm down, but we gotta focus on what we were doing! Don't you guys remember? Time travel? Where's all the equipment? [Wendy turns back to the computer]
Wendy
Oh yeah... the time travel...
Randy
[stumbles into frame] Agh! It's all gone... [leans on a doorframe; Stan goes to help him up] They took it all. They took the Tegridy. [falls to the ground] Here. [shows Stan his phone] It's a farting rainbow with Tom Brady's signature. [it farts.]
Church. Thunder rumbles. The equipment is being assembled by Clyde, Butters, a black man, and a woman, where the pulpit usually sits. The Foundation Against Time Travel banner is above it. A small forklift is driven in with boxes by Kevin Stoley, as Cartman supervises.
Cartman
Okay, good. That's good. [Kevin's vehicle backs up.] I think that thing needs to go over there by that thing. [looking at a paper] Make sure we have power to the big orange thing.
Scott
[approaches] Rabbi, I-I really need to talk to you.
Cartman
What is it now, Scott?
Scott
W-well, it's just that, I'm pretty sure the Foundation Against Time Travel shouldn't be attempting to time travel.
Cartman
Father, you understand that we have to stop time travel.
Scott
Yes, you've convinced me of that.
Cartman
[Kevin backs up further.] Well, Kyle already has a ton of followers who are ready to pick up where he left off. The only way to truly stop all of this is to go back in time and kill Kyle before he spreads his ideas.
Scott
What!? We're gonna kill Kyle?
Cartman
Yes, we have to kill Kyle.
Scott
That just seems slightly hypocritical, I'm sorry. I mean, you use Butters like a weapon, you've got Tweek and Craig tied up from the rafters [they are seen hanging, their bellies exposed] You know Rabbi, I'm just starting to question the morality of this.
Cartman
Morality? Father, if you were given the opportunity to go back in time and somehow stop Bill Clinton, wouldn't you have to do it?
Scott
Well, I suppose so, I don't know, I-
Cartman
[turns away] Everyone, listen up! [approaches the chair as he speaks, arms outstretched] The Foundation Against Time Travel must do everything to keep science from interfering with the will of God. We must be willing to use violence against violence, and stop time travel against all costs... even if that means we have to time travel. We will go back in time, and we will kill Kyle. [Kevin raises a hand] Yes, Kevin?
Kevin Stoley
Can we change our name? 'cuz you know Foundation Against Time Travel is FATT.
Cartman
[turns to view the banner] Oh, fuck me.
Kevin Stoley
Could we be the Foundation to Intercede Time Travel? 'cause then we'd be FITT. I wanna be FITT, not FATT.
Cartman
[pinching is nose again] Kevin goddamit...
South Park Elementary, McCormick Science Wing. Kyle moistens a rag, squeezes out the water, then applies it to Token's forehead directly.
Token
[groans] It all happened... so fast.
Kyle
[dabbing his forehead] It's okay. You're coming out of it now.
Token
How much did I get?
Kyle
You bought about six dozen animated gifs, mostly of digital fashion.
Token
Oh God. Are they still on my phone? [holds it up]
Kyle
It's okay, it's okay.
Jimmy
[laying on a lawnchair nearby, in pain] Jesus, I feel like an Islamic hooker in a gay bar. Totally normal and as respectable as any other human being. [smiles; then groans and clutches his stomach]
Wendy
[sitting on a similar chair, Stan holding a rag to her forehead] I'm so sorry, Stan. We didn't know Cartman was against us. We told him everything...
Stan
It's okay, just try to relax.
Wendy
No Stan, listen to me. We were wrong. Kenny didn't have the time machine set to when the pandemic first started. He was trying to get to March 10th of 2021.
Stan
March of 2021? You mean when the vaccines first started coming out?
Wendy
Kenny had run the simulations to try and find the best moment in history to stop the COVID. A billion different possibilities across a billion different realities... your dad fucked the pangolin every single time.
Stan
But then, why did Kenny need my dad's weed?
Token
Kenny just wanted weed to help him through the time travel. Your dad's weed was just around. There was nothing else special about it.
Stan leaves a side door to the area behind the school where the Goth Kids used to hang out. Randy is sitting, utterly depressed, in the rain as thunder rumbles.
Stan
[sits on a box across from him.] Dad... I' m sorry about your Tegridy.
Randy
I was hoping... to do something for the world. The truth is... my time is very short. I just wish I could have left something behind that mattered.
Stan
[raises an eyebrow; sarcastic] Thanks.
Randy
I was right about one thing. You can't go back and change the past. What happened, happened. And I just want you to know... that I forgive you. You burned down the farm because you were angry. You didn't know your sister was in the barn, and you couldn't have known your mom would shoot herself from the grief. I don't blame you... and I want you to have this. [passes him a small container with marijuana] There was one tiny bit they didn't find. You'll need it someday.
Stan
[annoyed] Dad, I don't want this. This is what killed our family.
Randy
No, you're what killed our fucking family, remember? Just take it. Because now we're stuck. The pandemic happened, and they made Space Jam 2. Soon there will be a Space Jam 6 and 7 and 8. Like... [leans forward, shutting his eyes] tears in rain.
Stan
...Dad?
Randy
Not now, Stan. [Stan returns inside with the container.]
Church. The banner has changed to Foundation to Intercede Time Travel. Scott and a black man are adjusting things as Butters looks on.
Cartman AI
T-minus five minutes to time travel initiatin sequence. [The woman and Kevin Stoley wrap Clyde in aluminum foil.]
Cartman
[approaches them] Good, get him wrapped in tinfoil. The aluminum should bounce the negative ions.
Clyde
This doesn't make any sense. [the woman leaves as they talk] Why do I have to be the one to go back in time and kill Kyle?
Cartman
It's because I admire you, Clyde. As an anti-vaxxer, you understand that you have to strong and stand by your beliefs even if it means others will die.
Clyde
Hey, thanks. [smiles]
Cartman
Let's get him to the chair. [Kevin and the woman take Clyde and get him into the chair, putting a breathing mask over him. Butters adjusts something.] Okay, start the weed! [Scott presses a button, weed is pumped into Clyde's mask and air hisses. Cartman taps the goggles.] Now, when you get back to the past, remember. [holds up one finger] Find a gun. [now holding two fingers] Kill Kyle. [turns back to the other five] For those who have fought wih me to oppose time travel, I just want to say thank you, because soon we will be altering time and our little group will never have needed to exist... You won't remember this speech because it will have never happened. But just remember, no matter where you go in life- [someone hits the door] Shit, it's Kyle! [Stan and Kyle open the doors and enter as triumphant music plays.]
Cartman
[points to the chair] Start the initiation sequence! Now, now, now. Go! [approaches Butters] Vic, make sure Stan and Kyle don't get to this altar. [Butters cracks his knuckles again. Stan and Kyle remain firm and step forward.]
Vic Chaos
[hand in his pocket now] Gentlemen, I am about to make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Kyle and Stan
Alexa. [Both Alexas show up behind them.]
Stan
We'd like to sign our friend here up for Prime membership.
Alexa
Okay, let me help with that.
Kyle's Alexa
I can also help. [they approach him; he is quickly overwhelmed]
Vic Chaos
Whoa, hey ladies, let me tell you about a great deal.
Alexas
Let us tell you about some great deals.
Vic Chaos
Ah-oh... [Stan and Kyle advance now that the path is cleared]
Cartman
Kevin, throw the fucking switch!
Kevin Stoley
It needs another minute to prime!
Cartman
[furious] Kevin goddamit! [the boys get closer] No! I won't let you stop me from killing you, Kyle!
Kyle
I knew it when I first saw you wearing your Jewish clothes and your bullshit yamulke! You're a goddamn phony!
Cartman
Oh really? What would a real Jewish person do to save his family, Kyle? Oh, you don't know, because you don't fucking have one! [Kyle punches him; Cartman rubs the blood from his nose calmly, then punches him back in the face, knocking him down]
Kyle
Fuck you, Cartman! [punches him in the face]
Cartman
Fuck you, Kyle! [punches him back in his face; Kyle punches back, Cartman punches twice]
Vic Chaos
[Butters yells as he is ensnared in the Alexas' tendrils in the pews] Yaah! Pwaah!
Clyde
[muffled] Hello? I can't see or hear anything! Am I time traveling now? [Cartman and Kyle continue to fight brutally, and Cartman knocks Kyle to the floor and continues punching him repeatedly; we then see that Yentl and his three children are watching.]
Yentl
Eric! Eric, stop! [Cartman stops to see them] Eric, look at what you're doing. [Kyle appears to be losing consciousness]
Cartman
[firmly] Take the kids and get back to the attic!
Yentl
No, Eric, I can't just hide away while you do all this to protect us. This isn't you, my love.
Cartman
[approaching her] I can't let him change the past. I can't lose you.
Yentl
[puts a hand on his face] Who knows what will happen, my love? [Kyle gets up, bleeding] The Eric Cartman I've known for eighteen years is thoughtful and kind... [Cartman looks down, ashamed] but all that's changed ever since you came back to this town and hung out with... him. [looks at Kyle, who is stunned] Don't you see? We have to leave it to chance or we're no better than he is.
Clyde
Guys, if I'm in the past it's pretty foggy...
Cartman
[sadly] You guys are everything to me, and I'm supposed to be your protector.
Menorah
Daddy, I don't want to be alive, if it means I have to be like Uncle Kyle.
Cartman
[hugging them all] Oh my God, I love you so much. [Stan and Kyle are stunned]
Scott
Well Rabbi, are we doing this or not?
Cartman
[steps forward; looks up] I have faith that God will see my family through this. [looks forward] Okay, Kyle. You do whatever it is you need to do.
Kyle
Okay, hold on, I'm not the bad guy here-
Yentl
Eric, the baby! [points; Hacklem is on the switch.]
Cartman
Hacklem, what are you doing?
Hacklem
[takes his binky out and laughs] Fuck you, Uncle Kyle! [flips the switch; Clyde screams as he is sent back in time.]
Cartman
Clyyyde!! [he disappears, back in time.]
Stan
Oh shit.
South Park, 2021. Main Street, looking normal. Heidi and her family as well as the Stevens parents are walking one way, and Annie with her mother the other. Some have masks on their faces, some on their chins. Mackey leaves the green building with groceries, and a dessert case is briefly seen behind him. He's on the phone.
Mr. Mackey
No, I tried the Walgreens, they're all out of vaccines. I just can't believe this whole thing is almost over, you know? The where? The school? There's gonna be vaccines at the school? M'kay, I'll be right there? Where are you gonna- [Future Clyde pushes past and Mackey drops his bag.] Whoa, m'kay. [Picks the bag up.] Excuse me! [Future Clyde continues walking down the street as Terminator-style music plays. He passes the Testaburgers and another couple who stop to observe him.]
Donovan Residence. Past Clyde appears to be doing homework in the kitchen, with two books, a pencil and a calculator in front of him. The back door is busted open and Future Clyde enters.
Future Clyde
Does dad still keep a gun in his closet?
Past Clyde
Uh, yeah.
Future Clyde
Okay. Is dad home?
Past Clyde
Uhh no, he's out getting vaccinated.
Future Clyde
[goes to leave, then stops] Listen to me very carefully. Do not get vaccinated ever. It'll make you grow titties on your head. Trust me, I'm an expert. [he leaves; the doorbell rings; Past Clyde answers.]
Past Scott
[standing there with a blonde girl and Carrot, all in their 'Lil Qties' outfits] Hey Clyde! We're starting an anti-vaxx club. We're gonna protest the vaccine and fuck shit up- you wanna join us?
Past Clyde
Fuck yes I want to join you.
Past Scott
Really?
Past Clyde
Fuck yes.
The four boys are on the bridge with vacines, as seen in the South ParQ Vaccination Special. Past Cartman is on the phone.
Past Cartman
No Mrs. Nelson, it's not a prank! Okay fine, we'll be there, just sit tight. [hangs up]
Past Kyle
[indignant] What was that? You know we can't get inside the school!
Past Cartman
She's not gonna come meet us, Kyle!
Past Kyle
You didn't even try! [to Pat Stan] He didn't try because he wants to sell the vaccine for money!
Past Stan
[looking over the river] And what about you Kyle? You were the one who was trying to take the vaccines for yourself this morning.
Past Cartman
He what??
Past Kyle
Wow, okay, thought we had gotten past that, but-
Past Stan
Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other. We can't keep pretending.
Past Cartman
You guys, what the hell is that? [points to where Future Clyde is approaching the bridge, armed with a gun.]
Future Clyde
I'm sorry, Kyle.
Future Stan
Clyde, stop! [the young boys turn to see future Stan on the other side of the bridge, now in tinfoil, indicating he has traveled from the future.]
Future Clyde
What the hell are you doing here?
Future Stan
I got in the chair right after you! This isn't the plan anymore! Do not kill Kyle!
Future Clyde
What do you mean it's not the plan anhymore?
Future Stan
Cartman changed his mind,
Past Cartman
I did not change my mind!
Future Clyde
You're trying to trick me. I'm going to save the future. [cocks the gun]
Future Kyle
I don't think so, Clyde. [holds a needle to his neck, stopping him; he is also in tinfoil) This is a hundred CC's of the Covid vaccine.
Future Clyde
Augh! Don't- be careful with that!
Future Kyle
Then put down the gun!
Past Stan
What the fuck is going on?
Future Stan
Stan, you need to forgive Kyle, you'll regret this day for the rest of your life.
Past Stan
Oh nice try Kyle, you're such a fuckin' dickhead.
Past Kyle
Fuck you, you're a fuckin' dickhead!
Future Kyle
Kyle, it's true. Cartman gets a happy life but you don't. You lose everything when you lose this friendship!
Future Clyde
[pushes Future Kyle while he's distracted] Enough of this crap! I'm sticking to what I believe and this kid dies now! [is shot in the chest and grunts; he is stunned]
Future Cartman
[holding the murder weapon in both hands, wrapped in tinfoil] Shalom sachem, Clyde. [shoots him six more times in total]
Past Stan
[he and the kids run away] Jesus Christ! [Future Clyde falls over the bridge from the force of the sixth shot and lands on the rocks in the river, body limp and outstretched, with five exit wounds visible, four in his chest and one on his face, blood spreading in the water. He is dead. The three adult boys peer over at him.]
Playground. The three future boys as adults sit on a park bench, thinking over their failure. The child Timmy passes by on his wheelchair.
Past Timmy
Timmah!
Cartman
Well, I guess we saved Kyle, but... nothing else in the future has changed.
Stan
How do you know?
Cartman
Because we're still here. That means Kenny still was bummed out we weren't friends, still became a scientist, went back in time and we still went in after him.
Kyle
So then we're stuck here in the past, and we blew our chance to stop COVID.
Cartman
I'm sorry guys, I really fucked this up.
Stan
We all fucked it up. These have just been... really unprecedented times.
Kyle
Unprecedented times.
Cartman
What I wouldn't give for just one precedented time.
Stan
Hey. Hey yeah. Maybe we just need one precedented time. [gets up from the chair] What if we've been trying to solve the wrong problem? Maybe my dad was right, we can't ever stop COVID from happening. But what we can control is how we all reacted to it.
Kyle
We reacted like shit, because I was just... scared and confused and didn't know who to believe.
Stan
Yeah, we all were. So we all took different paths because that's what humans do, and what we needed more than anything was to just... cut each other all some slack. [Kyle and Cartman exchange a glance.] We needed to come together and act like us again. One precedented time.
Cartman
[looks down, then up] You guys. [gets up] I know what to do.
Heather Williams' House. She's sitting watching TV and eating an orange creamcicle.
Phillip
Take this, darling Terrance. [farts and they laugh; the doorbell rings and Heather gets up to answer the door, facing the future Cartman, Stan and Kyle, still in tinfoil.]
Stan
Heather Williams?
Heather Williams
Yes?
Stan
Hi. We're from the future. [she's confused] We've come here to show you something very important. [Kyle takes out a pen and plays video of her farting]
Kyle
Do you remember this, Heather? This is a picture of you... farting in PE class.
Heather Williams
[stunned] I never farted in PE Class.
Stan
Oh, yes. You did. Two kids even smelled it and asked who farted and you said nothing.
Heather Williams
I didn't fart in PE class! It was a different kid! I was just moving my hip a little bit. I didn't fart in PE!
Stan
Heather, Heather. Heather! Yes you did, sweet pea.
Heather Williams
[realize they know] I-I happen to have a stomach condition. I don't know why came from the future to narc on me.
Kyle
Heather, we don't want kids to know you farted in PE. We want to help you. You just need to do exactly what we tell you. [she is shocked.]
Stan is walking down the streets angry, hands in his pockets. Helicopter blades are whirring.
Neighbor
[watering some grass. He has short brown neat hair and a gray shirt with a darker stripe] Hey, what is that? [points to a blue Coors-branded helicopter landing in the street. An agent walks out.]
Agent
Stan Marsh?
Stan
Me? [Neighbors have their phones out. Nobody is masked.]
Agent
Your presence is requested, sir.
Stan
Oh, cool! [he heads to the helicopter; the agent opens the doors to show Cartman, Kyle and Kenny present. There are buckets of ice with drinks. His smile fades.]
Agent
Get onboard, sir. There's sparkling punch and donuts. [He boards]
"I Forgive You" by Kelly Clarkson begins to play. The boys are sitting together in the helicopter comfortably. Cartman has a donut.
Stan
What's going on?
Kyle
I have no idea.
Pepsi Center. The boys are welcomed in to four courtside seats at a Denver Nuggets game in progress.
Cartman
Look we're on the Jumbotron! [the boys are framed on the jumbotron as 'Heather Williams' Special Guests as the game begins]
Stan
You guys I'm sory for acting like a dick during the pandemic.
Kyle
[touches his shoulder);; I'm sorry too, dude.
Tegridy Farms. Randy answers the front door, but nobody is there.
Randy
Hello, who-who's there? [He finds a furistic box labeled DAD. Inside, there's a letter that reads - 'Everything is going to be ok now, Dad. This present is for you. Because I love you. - Stan' Randy opens the envelope attached and finds the weed plant he gave Stan in the future.]
Randy
Ohhhh! [he examines it under a microscrope in the barn, then performs a complex equation, plants it in the ground, waters it in a greenhoue, and eventually cuts a leaf. He runs it through a machine to create Tegridy weed, then taking a test. He looks satisfied as he lets out a breath.]
Randy
Holy shit balls.
Marsh Bedroom. Randy enters, his eyes absolutely bloodshot red. Sharon is in her pajamas reading.
Randy
Sharon, I'm sorry for the way I acted during the pandemic.
Sharon
[takes of her glasses] You're not sorry, you're just high.
Randy
I'm both. [offers her a blunt; she raises an eyebrow]
Randy is in downtoen South Park on Main Street with a stand, giving out weed. The bottom of the sign says 'Super Special!'
Randy
Here you go! It's our Post COVID Special. It's free. No really, we've all been through a lot. Come on, take it. [Sharon approaches, eyes also bloodshot, and puts down several more jars.] Thank you, baby. Come on everyone. Post COVID special! [Stan and Shelley sit in the back of the truck with the weed, looking perplexed.] Here you go folks, you all deserve this! [One of the customers is Laura Tucker]
The Tucker Residence. Thomas and Tricia are sitting on the couch with their phones when Laura comes downstairs with bloodstained eyes.
Laura
You did the best you could during the pandemic, honey. I love you.
Thomas
[looking surprised] Huh?
Tweek's father Richard and Skeeter talk on Main Street. Richard has a grocery bag. Both of their masks are downn over their chins.
Richard
I shouldn't have yelled at you for not wearing a mask, I just didn't understand.
Skeeter
Well, maybe I should have worn a mask more often, but I-
Richard
No no no, I was being all high and mighty about it...
Stotch Residence. Butters is alone in his room playing with toys when the door swings open and Stephen and Linda are there.
Stephen
Butters, you're not grounded anymore. Come on out, son.
Butters
You mean it, Dad?
Stephen
This pandemic's been awful. We all need to just cut each other some slack. I love you, Butters. [they hug]
The Park. Six couples are embracing and apologizing, all high.
Enchorito Mark
No need to be sorry.
Man
I totally forgive you.
Woman
Oh, cut yourself some slack.
Townsman
[a townsman with bloodstained eyes with brown hair, wearing a green jakcet over a blue shrt with brown pants entrs frame, holding a jar of Tegridy weed.] We gotta get some more of this stuff.
There is a setup outside Best Buy similar to a Covid testing site with lots of tents. Randy stands in one such tent with a supply of marijuana.
Randy
Okay next! [A townsman with dark hair in a reddish sweater comes by. Randy lights a blunt for him to get hm high, which he does, seeming to relax.. The townsman has an 'I GOT TEGRIDY' sticker on his sweater now.]
US Capitol building. There are protestors in front.
QAnon Supporter
[the supporters are all high] And then we were like 'Yeah, okay, yeah, let's storm the Capitol, and then it was a bad idea, and we were just, you know, we were just going a little bonkers there, we shouldn't have stormed the capitol.
Counter-Protestor
[also high] That's okay, that's okay!
A movie set full of green screens with a basketball hoop. They are filming Space Jam 2. LeBron James shows up.
LeBron James
I'm sorry I've thought about it, and I can't do Space Jam 2. I just can't support Chinese censorship.
Producer
[sits up in his chair] Oh yeah? Well, if you're not gonna make Space Jam 2, then I'm not gonna make Space Jam 2, and nobody's gonna make Space Jam 2! YEAH! YEAH! Yee-AHH!
Denny's Applebee's Max, back in the future. The previous music ends as some hoiday motifs play. The bllboard says Merry Christmas before switching back to the same Japanese woman and music. Ike approaches the entrance and then walks in. Bebe and Strong Woman are among attendees at a party.
Ike
[holding his gifts] Hey everybody! I'm home, guy!
Attendees
Hey! Ike!
Kyle
[aproaches him] Ike, hi! You made it back!
Ike
Well, of course, I wouldn't miss Canadian Boxing Day, buddy!
Randy
Hey everyone, Stan's back! [He enters dressed in a Space Force dress uniform.]
Attendees
Hey, Stan! Hey!
Stan
[cheerful] Hey guys!
Kyle
[rushes forward and hugs him] Good to see you, buddy! How was everything on Mars?
Stan
Really cool, but I'm so glad to be home. How are the kids?
Kyle's Kids
Uncle Stan!
Stan
[hugs the kids as they hug him as well] There's the little ragamuffins! [smiles] Mom!
Sharon
Hi Stanley! [they embrace]
Stan
It's Mom! And Shelley!
Shelley
[smiling as he hugs her] Why are you acting all weird, turd?
Stan
I don't know. For some reason, I'm just extra happy to see you guys! [hugs them both]
Craig
[off screen] Hey, look who's here! It's Kenny! [Kenny waves as he enters, all the attendees waving or looking at him.]
Stan
[embracing him and Kyle as Kenny smiles] Kenny, what have you been up to, buddy?
Kyle
Didn't you hear? Kenny just won the Nobel Prize for combining dark matter and breast implants!
Stan
Oh, you old dog!
Token
Hey everybody, he's on! [turning up the television on the remote]
Jimmy
[back on his late night show] What a fantastic audience, wow. What is up with all these bisexual Canadians, huh? I guess they don't know whether to fuck their brother or their sister? [everyone laughs]
Wendy
[walks up behind him] Hey Stan!
Stan
[turns around] Wendy, you're back from Harvard!
Wendy
Yeah, just here for the holidays. You wanna maybe... spend New Years together again?
Stan
I'd love that.
Butters
[comes in the middle with a tray of food in a future servers' uniform] Hey fellas! Can I offer you some pupus? Thanks for choosing Denny's Applebee's for your party!
Stan
Butters, you're still working here, huh?
Butters
Yep! I just made manager! I love doing actual shit that pays actual money!
Kyle
Hey Stan, can you come here for a second.
Stan
What's the matter, dude? [everyone's smiles fade]
Kyle
Dude, he's here.
Stan
Cartman? [Kyle leads Stan over to a window.] Man, poor Cartman. [Cartman is across the street, dressed similarly to his childhood atire, drinking a bottle of whiskey and drunk. He is surrounded several bags of garbage and a shopping cart full of it, including cheesy poofs, with a sign that says 'HOMELESS; FUCK YOU!']
Cartman
Fuck you guys! You can suck my fucking dick! Fuck you! [flips them off]
Kyle
It's so sad he never did anything with his life.
Cartman
[flips them both off] Fuck you Kyle, fuck you Stan.
Butters
Hey come on fellas, we can't spend another holiday feeling bad for Eric. There's nothing that could have changed the path he was on.
Cartman
[flips him off] Fuck you, Butters!
Butters
[flips back] Fuck you, Eric!
The party attendees come together for a toast; the Goth Kids, PC Principal, Douglas, Nathan, Mimsy, Craig and Tweek can all be seen now as party ateendees.
Randy
Well everyone, I just want to make a toast. I don't know what got us through the pandemic and made all our futures so very bright, but... whatever it was, may we have it for the rest of our days.
Timmy
[walks out on a crutch and raises a glass as well] God bless us everyone!
All
Cheers!
Narrator
[as text appears onscreen] Remember folks, weed can't solve all your problems but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed.
End of South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid


  "South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid" edit
Story Elements

COVID-19Victor ChaosHeather Williams • "Happy Birthday to You" • "We Are Living in the Future" • "I Forgive You" • "The Star-Spangled Banner"

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