The Pandemic Special "The Pandemic Special/Script" "South ParQ Vaccination Special/Script" - Rightarrow.png

Cast

Script

South ParQ Vaccination Special
Walgreens, day. A generic club song can be heard coming from it. Richard Adler and Mr. Mackey arrive by car in the parking lot.
Richard Adler
Oof, I feel silly. They're not gonna let us in!
Mr. Mackey
Will you just come on. You gotta loosen up, Mr. Adler.
Richard Adler
But this is the most popular place in town right now!
Mr. Mackey
We can get in. Just comb your hair, you know, look your best. I can get us in. [they both put their masks on]
Front of Walgreens. Multiple people wait in line in order to get the COVID-19 vaccination. The Walgreens Bouncer is looking at his list.
Man with Green Coat
Come on, man. We've been waiting for hours. You guys have plenty of vaccinations in there, just let us in, man.
Walgreens Bouncer
55 and older and first responders only. [Mr. Mackey and Adler arrive in front of Walgreens]
Mr. Mackey
Oh, uh, hey, uh, we'd like to get in there and get some vaccinations, mkay.
Walgreens Bouncer
Are you on the list?
Mr. Mackey
Well, no, I'm not on the list. I tried to get on the list. I sat on my computer 30 nights in a row trying to make a vaccination appointment and get on the God damn list. Look, the thing is, we are school faculty, mkay. You gotta let us in.
Stephen Stotch
[from the back of the line] No, no, you have to let in people with health issues first! I'm a chain smoker and my wife is 39 pounds overweight.
Unnamed Man 1
I have a compromised immune system! I have genital warts, and I will show them to you.
Walgreens Bouncer
[now looking at the back of the line] Over 55, first responders and Group 2B only [he turns his look back to the list]. Now beat it [another unnamed man approaches the bouncer]!
Unnamed Man 2
Hey, hey, man, I'm a friend of Dan Roberts -- he's a dental assistant in conifer...
Walgreens Bouncer
Get the fuck outta here. I said you're not gettin' in! You're wasting your time! [an old woman approaches the entrance] Oh, hello, ma'am. Right this way. [the bouncers opens the stanchion and lets the old woman in]
Everyone in line
Awwww!
Elderly Woman
[on her way inside she raises both her hands and shows the middle fingers to the crowd] 79 bitchessss!
Everyone in line
Boo!
Man with Green Coat
You suck. You suck you stupid old people!
A black screen appears writing "Vaccination Special". The screen fades away and South Park Elementary is shown. Kyle and Stan are washing their hands at the wash stations in the hallways.
Cartman
[from the back] Stan, Kyle, can you come over here real quick?
Stan
Recess is almost over, dude.
Cartman
Just come here please, it's important.
South Park Elementary Bathrooms. Kenny McCormick looks sad and Cartman approaches him, while Stan and Kyle remain in the back.
Cartman
Hey, Kenny. I got the guys, okay? You wanna talk or you want me to talk?
Kenny
(You can talk.)
Cartman
[while looking at Stan and Kyle] You guys, Kenny and I are feeling like, even though things are supposedly getting better with the pandemic, we're more depressed than ever. [Cartman and Kenny turn around to Stan and Kyle and Cartman lowers down his mask] The four of us just seem really different towards each other and we're worried the past year has put a strain to our broship. Kenny was saying he wants to do everything he can to save the broship, and I agree with him. So we had a really positive talk about it during lunch, and Kenny shared some ideas of how maybe we can navigate through this, and I think we came up with a great idea. Okay, so, you know how chicks have periods right?
Kyle
What?
Cartman
It's true! Women have "periods" where they bleed from their vagina. Remember earlier today, Stan, you said our teacher was wearing white? So when we talked I said to Kenny "Oh, what if the teacher got her period?" which cheered us up a bit and then we realized today was hamburger day for lunch. There was lots of ketchup laying around. So me and Kenny snuck into the classroom during recess and put it on the teacher's chair, and now when we get back to class there's gonna be a bunch of ketchup [Stan and Kyle look at each other] on the teacher's chair and when she stands up it's gonna totally look like she got her period! [Kenny laughs] It's going to be amazing, you guys. I'm so excited!
Classroom. The bell rings and the teacher, Mrs. Nelson, arrives in class.
Mrs. Nelson
Okay, class. Hope everyone had a good lunch. [Cartman struggles to hold in his laughter] Okay, how did everyone do on their fractions? Are there any questions? [Mrs. Nelson approaches her desk] I know the last few were a little tricky. [she sits on the chair and a squish sound it's heard]
Cartman
[barely holding his laugh and whispering] Shh! Kyle, Kyle! Shhh! [Kyle rolls his eyes]
Bebe
Mrs. Nelson, I couldn't figure out number 14.
Mrs. Nelson
Number 14. Okay. Well, let's look at it together. [Mrs. Nelson gets up from her chair and when she turns around, a big red stain is seen on her back on the skirt.]
Kids
Ewwwwww! [Cartman and Kenny laugh loudly]
Mrs. Nelson
What? [she sees the stain and panics] What? What is -- What is this?
Cartman
Oh, my God. [Cartman points at her and takes out his phone, starting to film her] Teacher had her period. [he and Kenny continue to laugh loudly]
Mrs. Nelson
[embarrassed] Kids, something must be wrong with me. [she starts to panic even more when Cartman and Kenny can't stop laughing] Is this a prank?
Cartman
[continuing to film with his phone] That's nasty, teacher. Don't have your period during class time!
Mrs. Nelson
[in the same panic state] Do you think this is funny? I come here, and I risk my life to teach you? And I can't even get a vaccination because teachers aren't important enough?! [Cartman and Kenny stop laughing] And I get on the websites and can't even get a straight answer on when I'll get vaccinated?! Well, I'm over it! [she opens the classroom door] I can't do this anymore! [she leaves the classroom]
Cartman
You guys, I think that might have been the single most hilarious thing we've ever done.
The boys walk along the street past the Stotch residence, coming from school. Cartman looks on his phone.
Cartman
Which one should we post, you guys? Should we post the one where you can see the most blood on teacher's ass or the one where she makes the dumbest face?
Kyle
[the boys suddenly stop, right in front of Butters' house] You're not posting anything! Do you have any idea what you've done?
Kenny
(What do you mean, dude?)
Stan
Yeah, we finally get back to school and have some sense of normalcy and you guys make the teacher walk out!
Cartman
Hey, at least Kenny and I were doing something to try and get that spark back. You know 30 percent of broships didn't make it through the pandemic?
Kyle
What if they make us go back to remote learning?! I don't want to go back to being quarantined at home like some of the other kids still are!
Butters
[from the window] Hey, fellas! [the boys turn around facing the house] Anything fun happen at school today?!
Cartman
Yeah, you missed it! It was the best thing ever! [shows the phone] We put ketchup in the teacher's seat and made her think it was her period!
Butters
Oh, my gosh! That sounds like so much fun!
Cartman
Yeah, pretty much greatest day of our lives.
Stan
[turns to the boys] Do you guys know how hard it's going to be for them to find us a replacement teacher?
Cartman
It's not gonna be hard. They'll bring in some lame ass teacher who's desperate to work. How bad can it be?
Main Street, a bus arrives. Mr. Garrison gets out of the bus.
Mr. Garrison
[very excited] Oh... I'm baaack! Hey, South Park! I'm home!
Unnamed Man 3
[surprised] Holy shit, is that who I think it is?
Bus Driver
[from the bus] Any luggage from below, sir?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, yes, I've got a lot of baggage!
Mr. Garrison walks along the street carrying his baggage behind him.
Mr. Garrison
Hey! Hey, Valmer! How're you doing? [camera turns to Valmer residence where Ryan is staring at Garrison in shock] Tucker! Lookin' good! [points at Thomas, who is watering his front lawn and who's also staring at Garrison in shock] Oh it's so great to see everybody [Sheila takes out the trash in the back and the camera turns to Thompson's residence]
Thompson
[from the window] Hey! Fuck you!
Mr. Garrison
Hey, hey, lookin' good, Thompson! Did your wife get that AIDS test?!
South Park Elementary, principal's office. Mr. Garrison speaks with PC Principal and Strong Woman.
Mr. Garrison
You know, the simple truth is, teaching is my life. [PC Principal and Strong Woman look at each other] I'm just completely at home in the classroom. [they look at Garrison again] I realize that now more than ever after my little sabbatical.
PC Principal
Yes... Your, sabbatical was somewhat controversial.
Mr. Garrison
Well, I just went through a little thing. You know, I... I realized I was gay. And then I realized I wasn't gay, I was a woman. And after I transitioned, I thought it was a little mistake and then I went through a phase of being the President of the United States.
PC Principal
Well, that is the problem, Mr. Garrison, as someone who previously identified as President, there could be safety issues.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, that's not a problem. Anyone who has been President is assigned secret service for the rest of their lives to keep them protected. [looks at the door] Mr. Service! [an agent looking-man with no pants on him arrives and Garrison presents him to the principals] This is my private security, Mr. Service.
Mr. Service
Hello.
PC Principal
Uh, thank you for your application, Mr. Garrison. We'll keep you in mind as a backup, but hopefully the vaccination process is going to start opening up.
Walgreens, the generic club song can still be heard.
Man with Green Coat
Come on, man, it's ridiculous that people can't get in.
Man with Burgundy Coat
Yeah, you know, in Israel they vaccinate everybody. Israel's way cooler than this lame place!
Walgreens Bouncer
So then go to Israel.
Man with Burgundy Coat
I tried... I couldn't get in. [camera switches to Chris]
Chris
Tom, I'm outside of the hottest place in town, and what we'd like to do now is take you [moves near the bouncer] for an exclusive look inside.
Walgreens Bouncer
You're not getting in, pal
Chris
[still looking at the camera] I'm actually willing to go inside and get a shot so that everyone can see just how safe it is.
Walgreens Bouncer
I said get lost, you're not getting in. [Chris looks at the bouncer] Get outta my face.
Chris
Please give me a shot. [looks back at the camera] Please, all I want is a shot. [looks back the at bouncer] Just that one shot that could change everything.
Walgreens Bouncer
[moving Chris aside] Everyone clear outta the way. Clear the entrance. We have VIPs coming out. [the bouncer opens the stanchion and a bunch of elderly people exit the building]
Elderly People
Whoo-hoo!
Elderly Man 1
Where to next, everybody?
Elderly Man 2
That was our second shot. Let's go out to the bars!
Elderly People
Yeah!
Stephen Stotch
[from the back of the line] Old people suck!
Elderly Man 3
Hah? Can't hear ya. Got too many antibodies in my ears!
Elderly People
Hahahaha!
Stan walks to the school but he's stopped by a car full of old people, including his grandfather, Marvin
Marvin
Hey there, Billy! Still gotta wear that mask, huh? We're all vaccinated now. I'm gonna go out to the bars and get some pussy!
Stan
Okay, grandpa.
Elderly Men
Yeahhhh!
Marvin's Friend 1
Sayyy... When are they gonna vaccinate you kids? Oh, yeah! You're last! [the elderly people begin to laugh]
Marvin
Have fun social distancing, loser! [the car drives away; multiple kids can be seen entering the school in the background]
South Park Elementary, classroom. The bell just rang and everyone goes to their sits.
Cartman
Hey, broships. You ready for some substitute teacher action? This should be fun!
Mr. Garrison
[entering the class] Hey, kids! Guess who's baaaaaaaaack?
Everyone
[upset] Awwwwww! Yuck!
Mr. Garrison
Well, I know you've all had a lot of time off this past year.
Cartman
Oh, dear Christ, what have we done?
Mr. Garrison
But it's time to get you all back on track. Now, I expect discipline and respect in this classroom -- both to me and your new teacher's assistant, Mr. Service. [Mr. Service arrives] Hand these papers out, Mr. Service. [hands him the papers and slaps his ass]
The bell rings. The children leave the classroom, pissed at Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny for what they did.
Lola
Nice going, you dumb cocks!
Red
Stupid assholes!
Scott
You guys are dicks.
Cartman
Wow, people are really pissed at us for doing the period joke, you guys.
Kyle
Why do people think we all did the period joke?
Cartman
Well, because I told them we all did. People know we're bros and that we do everything together!
Kyle
You guys are gonna go and tell everyone the truth about who's fault this is! I didn't do anything!
Cartman
That's right, Kyle, you did nothing. You knew about the prank, you could have stopped it at any time, but you didn't say a word. Silence is violence, Kyle.
Kyle
What?! Dude! [to Stan] Are you just gonna stand there and listen to this crap?!
Stan
I don't even know what to do! If you ask me, this whole pandemic has been a giant waste of time! [leaves]
Cartman
Oh, my God... Maybe our broship didn't survive.
Kyle
Will you shut up about that!? Nobody cares about your stupid broship! [Kenny starts to cry and leaves, while Cartman and Kyle sadly look at him]
Cartman
[to Kyle] And now you've made Kenny cry. [Cartman leaves]
Walgreens. People still wait in line.
Walgreens Bouncer
[looking at his list] Nope... Nope... [looking at the Underpants Gnomes] I don't see you anywhere on the list.
Gnome 1
It's "Gnomes", "Underpants Gnomes".
Gnome 2
We are essential workers!
Dr. Alphonse Mephesto
[from the back of the line] Yeah, yeah. Get in line with the rest of us!
Walgreens Bouncer
Is anybody here actually on the list?! [Mr. Mackey arrives dressed as a fireman]
Mr. Mackey
Uh, yes it's uh, Tom, Fireman Tom, mkay.
Walgreens Bouncer
Will you fucking get lost, pal?
Mr. Mackey
I don't know what you're talking about!
Walgreens Bouncer
Alright, that's it.
Mr. Mackey
I'm a hero of the community. [the bouncer moves Mr. Mackey aside] I'm Fireman Tom!
Food 4 Little. A car containing several old people drives past.
Elderly People
Yeehhhh! Partyyy!
Inside the store. Mr. Garrison shops alongside Mr. Service.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, let's see... Scissors, paper, glue. Ah! Some good old fashioned number 2 pencils. That's what my students need. Mr. Service, can you grab a couple boxes of those pencils over there? [people in the store look at Garrison]
Unnamed Shopper
Would you look at that? He ruined our entire country and now he's just back like nothing happened.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, I think that's all the school supplies we need. Let's grab some healthy snacks for the class snack basket. [everyone continues to angrily look at Garrison and he notices them] Oh. Oh, I see. Look, everyone, there's a gay man shopping! I happen to be the only teacher brave enough to teach your kids right now, so you better all get real woke real fast! Come on, Mr. Service! [goes to the produce section and grabs an apple; the Whites arrive]
Bob White
Uh, hey! Excuse me?! [Mr. Service blocks the way] Hey, uh, I'm not sure if you remember me. Bob White? I just want you to know I was always on your side. In fact, all of us Whites were really on your side.
Mr. Garrison
Look, I'm just a teacher. Okay? Just a teacher, I'm shopping for my class.
Bob White
[comes closer to Garrison] So, look, uh, what are we supposed to do now? You know, I'm a follower of QAnon. What are we supposed to do to stop the vaccinations? They're vaccinating people right now, seeding people with their microchips! Surely, you have a plan?! We're on the internet every night waiting for word.
Mr. Garrison
The word is get a fucking life, jackass! Blow shit out your dickhole! [walks away along with Mr. Service, leaving the White family confused]
Bob White
Did you hear that, honey? He said 'shit... out your dickhole'... He's trying to give us some kind of signal.
South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office.
Mr. Mackey
Think my life doesn't matter!? I show you what matters. [packing up his books] Counselors matter. That's what matters. Let's just see how your God damn school functions without a God damn counselor! [the sound of a motorcycle is heard outside] Oh, God dammit. [walks up to the window] Hey! Hey, you damn old people! [an elderly man is making drifts with his motorcycle in the school's parking lot, while an old woman looks at him] Stop doing donuts in the school parking lot!
Elderly Man on Motorcycle
Hah?
Mr. Mackey
I said you old people need to -- [the elderly man revs his engine, making an even louder noise and the old woman joins him on the motorcycle, while showing Mr. Mackey the middle finger before leaving the parking lot; Mr. Mackey returns to his desk] Fucking old people rubbing everyone's noses in their fun times! [a knocking on the door is heard] What?! [Kenny comes in, sad]
Kenny
[sighs] (I've been having a lot of problems with my friends. It just seems like the pandemic exposed problems we didn't even know were there. To be honest, I'm not sure that I even see a future with these guys.)
Mr. Mackey
What?! [Cartman opens the door]
Cartman
Hey, Kenny. Guys? Guys, come on. You agreed to counseling. [Stan and Kyle arrive and Cartman closes the door behind them] Hey, Mr. Mackey. We, uh, we've been having a lot of problems and um, we all want to work on our broship, don't we guys?
Stan
Yes.
Kyle
Yes.
Cartman
You know this pandemic has been a pressure cooker, and we just feel like we're going through the brotions. You know?
Kyle
[points at Cartman and Kenny] Because you guys pulled a prank and made the teacher leave, and now everybody hates us.
Cartman
Silence is violence, Kyle. Silence is violence.
Mr. Mackey
Guess what, boys? I don't care. I come here and I listen to you kids bitch about your stupid problems everyday and I'm 50 years old! [punching the table] I could die tomorrow from this Covid shit!
Stan
Please, Mr. Mackey, we just want to get our old teacher back for everybody, okay? Can you just tell her we're really, really sorry?
Mr. Mackey
It's not that simple. There's only one way you're getting your teacher back, and that's if teachers get their hands on the vaccine. [the boys look at each other]
Cartman
How do we do that? [Mr. Mackey walks up to the window and stares outside]
Mr. Mackey
There's a place in town... Very hard to get into. Very exclusive. Walgreens. I've tried to get in many times... Dressed like a fireman, mkay. Dressed like a little ol' lady, but they got security up the ass. [turns around to the boys] You find a way inside, get all the vaccines you can and bring them here to the school. You do that, and you just might get your teacher back. Mkay. [the boys again look at each other]
The Whites' residence's basement, night. Bob White gathered up several QAnon followers.
Bob White
My friends, these are very dangerous times. Our country's future is at a precipice. And that is why I have called together every QAnon follower in our town.
QAnon Follower 1
Let's forget it, Bob. The bad guys won.
QAnon Follower 2
I feel like someone pooped on my life.
Bob White
They didn't win! We just recently received a new coded message.
Female QAnon Tutor
You got a message from Q?
Bob White
Not from Q... From the chosen one. [everyone gasps] Yes, we saw him. In the produce section of the grocery store. And he said to me... "Blow shit out your dickhole." I immediately knew something was amiss, because one can't move feces through their penile urinary tract! So I've been going over it and over it and I realized [proceeds to show them a chart full of conspiracy theories] Blow shit out dick hole - BSDH. We all know what BS is, but DH? It didn't make sense. Until my wife reminded me that DH are the initials of David Harris, the anon from Akron, Ohio who said that the elite use Latin to send coded messages. Out your dick hole -- Anno Yanis Domini Homme. Do what he does. The chosen is teaching now. He's taking Q's message straight to the children. And he wants us to do the same.
QAnon Follower 1
We're supposed to be teachers?
Bob White
There's an incredible shortage of teachers right now. He's trying to tell us that this is our time to strike! The elite want to fuck with our kids? We'll fuck theirs! [everyone cheers]
Walgreens. People still wait in line. The boys arrive along with an old woman in a wheelchair.
Stan
Hello, sir!
Walgreens Bouncer
Who are you?
Cartman
Oh, hey, hi. We're with the nonprofit service Kids for Kommunity. Both spelled with a K.
Stan
Yeah, we assist senior citizens who need the vaccine, but then need help getting to the right place.
Walgreens Bouncer
Oh, really? That's pretty damn awesome you guys. I wish more people could be like the Kommunity Kidz. Go on in. [the bouncers opens the stanchion and lets them in]
Everyone in line
Awwww! Come on!
Man with Green Coat
Hey, I'm in Kommunity Kidz, too! [the boys are inside the building]
Kyle
Holy shit, dude. That was pretty easy!
Cartman
Yeah bros! Kommunity Kidz spelled with a K. Gets 'em every time.
Elderly Woman in Wheelchair
Alright, so where's my Goddamn money?
Kyle
What?!
Elderly Woman in Wheelchair
I told you I already got the vaccine. I'm doin' this for the cash!
Kyle
Yeah, but we already paid you.
Elderly Woman in Wheelchair
Oh, I must have Alzheimer's, I'm just an olllld lady. [changes tone] Pay again or I squeal.
Cartman
You God damn old bitch!
Stan
Just pay her, Cartman.
Cartman
What?!
Stan
Come on, the pharmacist is coming!
Cartman
This is becoming the most expensive period joke we ever did! [the pharmacist arrives, carrying a tray of vaccines]
Walgreens Pharmacist
Excuse me, what are you children doing in here?
Kyle
We're Kommunity Kidz. We help seniors get vaccinated.
Walgreens Pharmacist
Oh, well that's very great. These boys are helping you, ma'am?
Elderly Woman in Wheelchair
Oh, actually I'm not sure. I have a little Alzheimer's. Might need a little more greenback to jar my memory.
Cartman
Oh, you fucking slut! This is why we keep old people in the back of the line!
Kyle
Cartman, just stick to the fucking plan!
Stan
Oh, great, Kyle. Now he knows there's a plan!
Walgreens Pharmacist
What plan?!
Elderly Woman in Wheelchair
They're lying about Kommunity Kidz!
Walgreens Pharmacist
It's community with a C like normal?!
Stan
Kenny, grab the vaccines! [kicks the pharmacist in the leg, while Kenny grabs the tray of vaccines and they run out of the building] Go, go, go, go!
Man with Green Coat
Hey...
Unnamed Man 4
[pointing at the boys] Kommunity Kidz have vaccines!
Malkinson residence. The family discusses in the kitchen, while Scott eats cereals.
Clark
For the last time, Ellen, I don't want our son going to that public school! Mr. Garrison is a terrible teacher, he has no grip on the classroom and he's the worst president we've ever had!
Ellen
But Scott has to go to school, dear.
Clark
So we can get him a private tutor!
Ellen
We can't afford a private tutor, you know that. [Richard Tweak opens the door with a cup of coffee in his hand]
Richard
Hey, guys, what's the problem? [Ellen and Clark turn to Richard]
Clark
It's that son of a bitch Mr.Garrison. He's gonna completely screw up our kids.
Richard
Well, that's why we pulled Tweek out of school. Haven't you heard? There's a brand new private tutoring company that's fast and affordable!
An advertisement of the tutor company appears.
Advertiser
Has your child fallen behind in school? [multiple pictures of children are shown] Do you feel like the government has failed you and your child during the time of Covid? [the message is also written on the ad, then switches to one of the Tutornon members with the US flag behind him]
Tutornon Member 1
Then call us! The tutors at Tutornon! [music starts playing; the female QAnon tutor is seen in a girl's room]
Female QAnon Tutor
Forget the classroom! Tutornon is bespoke learning that is straight from the internet [points at the computer] to your child. [then points to the girl; camera changes to another Tutornon member who sits at his desk]'
Tutornon Member 1
We sift through all the information on the internet and present it to your child for a uniquely curated experience. [camera switches to Bob White in front of his residence, holding a laptop in one hand and several masks in the other]
Bob White
Forget all the Zooms and masks and social distancing at school. [throws the laptop and the masks in a garbage can; the ad switches again to the US flag background and the Tutornon are all shown] Let Tutornon save your child. Literally!
Advertiser
Contact Tutornon today! On Facebook, YouTube and Twitter!
Malkinson residence, Scott's room. Scott is painting when Clark enters his room.
Clark
Alright, Scott. Your new tutor is here. [Jake Angeli arrives]
Jake Angeli
Hey, there! Ready to get back on track with your schoolwork?
Scott
I guess so.
Clark
You better pay attention and listen to everything he has to teach you!
Jake Angeli
We'll be great, thanks! [Clark closes the door and leaves; Jake Angeli closes all the curtains in the room] Alright, sit down. We don't have much time!
Scott
Huh?
Jake Angeli
Tom Hanks and Oprah are just two at the very top of an elite group of people who control everything we see and do. They feed upon children in order to maintain their elite status, and that isn't the worst of it. Do you know what pedophilia is? Here, let me show you.
Scott
[scarily screams] Daaad?!
Walgreens. The same news anchor is presenting.
Chris
Tom, I'm standing outside the ultra-exclusive Walgreens where earlier today vaccines were taken by that group of young Robin Hoods, the Kommunity Kidz. These brave kids have taken it into their own hands to get people a shot. That's all people want, just a shot, and these boys have made it so you just might get that shot. And have a chance at hope and some happiness in this [gets angry] -- in this shit world -- [is interrupted by the newscaster]
Tom
Okay, thank you, Chris. We'll get back -- [is interrupted by Chris]
Chris
[still angry] No! No! Fuck you, Tom, because Kommunity Kidz are just what this town and this world needed! And it's amazing that some kids took some God damn time to actually go out and do something. Fuck you, Tom. [drops the mic and leaves]
South Park Elementary. The bell rings. Mr. Garrison arrives in class.
Mr. Garrison
Alright, children, let's take our seats. [starts writing on the board] Today is standardized testing. [Mr. Service walks in and surveys the class] We're gonna make sure you lazy ducks have still been studying through this whole pandemic.
Mr. Service
Sir?
Mr. Garrison
Yes, Mr. Service? [Mr. Service directs his gaze to the class, and Garrison is alarmed when he sees the whole class empty except for Jimmy and Bebe] Where the hell is everybody? [they don't answer] I said, where are my students?! Bebe! [points at her] You always know where Wendy is! Where is she?!
Bebe
I think... her parents pulled her out school and get her a private tutor.
Mr. Garrison
[angry] A private tutor?! Why would they get a private tutor?!
Bebe
Umm..., I'm pretty sure it's because her parents hate you?
Mr. Garrison
What makes you think that?!
Bebe
Because I was talking to them about it... Because... I hate you too.
Mr. Garrison
I am trying to get things back to normal around here! [turns and grabs Mr. Service and speaks to him] Why is everyone acting like this?! Why is everyone against me?!
Mr. Service
I don't know, sir.
Mr. Garrison
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this! Come on, Mr. Service! [grabs Mr. Service by his tie and leaves classroom]
Mrs. Nelson's house. She sits on the sofa when her cellphone rings. She answers.
Mrs. Nelson
Hello?
Cartman
[from his living room; Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are also there with the vaccines] Hi, Mrs. Nelson, it's Eric Cartman.
Mrs. Nelson
[annoyed] What do you want?
Cartman
Mrs. Nelson, we would like for you to come back to school tomorrow, because... we have COVID-19 vaccinations.
Mrs. Nelson
Really? You think I'm gonna let you prank me again? I heard you were the ones responsible for the period prank!
Cartman
And it was so uncalled for and so wrong. I mean, especially because we're guys. I mean, dudes sitting around coming up with period jokes, like, how old are we? Seriously?
Mrs. Nelson
Yeah, I don't trust you. I'll just wait until the government decides teachers are important enough to get their vaccinations.
Cartman
You are so important. Which is why it was so not funny what we did. I mean, what is funny about blood coming out of a woman's vagina? Like, it's sexist, first of all, and you know what else? It's just lazy. Just like dialing it in, that's what we were doing. We were just dialing it in.
Mrs. Nelson
You better be at school tomorrow morning, and you better really have vaccinations. For all the teachers!
Cartman
Hey, we will be there. Period. [chuckling] Okay. Okay, cool. Bye. [hangs up and burst out laughing] Did you guys hear what I said?
Kyle
[angry] Why did you almost blow it at the very end, you idiot?!
Cartman
Relax, guys. She's gonna come.
Kyle
[walks up to Stan] Will you please say something to him?!
Stan
[angry] What the hell did I do?!
Kenny
[steps in between them to calm them] (You guys stop it! Stop it!) [outside Cartman's window a man is heard singing]
Man with Burgundy Coat

This is my moment
This is my tiiiiimmmmeeee...

Hello?

The boys walk to the window where they see several people asking for shots, many of them which were waiting in line at Walgreens
Man with Burgundy Coat

I've got a dream to fulfill
And all I need is a shot!
Please
Please just gimme a shot!

Man with Green Coat
Listen, Kommunity Kidz!

All I want is a shot!
A-and you can give me that shot!
That one shot, that's all I need!

Need a Shot Woman Singer

All I want is a shot, too!
If I had a shot, I would make the most of it!

Crowd
Gimme a shot! Please I need a shot!
Guitar Singer

If I just had a shot
I would make it the best shot

Cartman
Wow, everyone just really wants a shot. [Stephen Stotch joins the crowd along with his wife]
Stephen
Kommunity Kidz, please! If you just give me a shot, why I could be somebody! I could go out to fancy restaurants like all them old people. And eat shrimp as big as my head!
Man with Green Coat
[to Stephen] You're not taking my shot. This is my shot!
Man with Burgundy Coat
I, I have to have this shot! [the crowd begins to shout indistinctly, asking for shots]
Kyle
[to the boys] Grab the vaccines. I think we better get outta here. [the crowd tries to break into the house]
A Tutornon lesson. A Hollywood sign covered in blood is shown.
Female QAnon Tutor
This is a fact. We are all being controlled by an elite, wealthy, and privileged few. [Jeffrey Epstein is shown handcuffed and carried by the police] When Jeffrey Epstein the billionaire was found guilty of sex trafficking, he was set to squeal on all the elites in Hollywood and in Washington who used his child sex services... [Jeffrey Epstein is then shown hanged in his cell] But Epstein was found dead in his cell from "suicide". Why do the elites want children from sex traffickers? Adrenochrome. [a plastic bag of it is shown] It is harvested from children for a euphoric and life-enhancing benefit. [a child victim is shown being sawed to bits by one doctor while another operate on his brain, while being supervised a group of hooded monk-like men - these are acolytes] This Satanic cabal of Hollywood and political elites all need the adrenochrome to maintain their positions of power. [Oprah is shown, holding a big goblet of blood in her hands, enjoying it, while a victim child is shown behind her, having been gutted] And they will continue to do so until we stand up against them. [Hillary and a random elderly guy are shown drinking the blood of their victims through straws, while their acolytes collect the blood of a child in the back; Obama is then shown directly drinking blood from a cut victim; Craig's room is then shown with the tutor sitting next to him] Now, do you have any questions, Craig?
Craig
Um... so does Oprah drink the same blood as Obama, or is it usually a different kid?
Female QAnon Tutor
It's kids from all over the world. Now... it's time for me to tell you the biggest thing that the Hollywood elites don't want you to know -- [Mr. Garrison forcefully opens the door; he's accompanied by Mr. Service]
Mr. Garrison
Alright, just what the hell do you think you're doing?!
Female QAnon Tutor
[surprised] Oh! [stands up]
Mr. Garrison
Go tutor someone else! You think you can take my students from my classroom?!
Female QAnon Tutor
[in shock] Oh, my God! It's you! [smiles]
Mr. Garrison
That's right, it's me! The head teacher at South Park Elementary! And this is what I think of private tutors! Get her, Mr. Service! [Mr. Service starts beating her and pins her to the floor, strangling her neck] Now who's in charge of all you tutors?!
Female QAnon Tutor
[choking] It's... it's secret...
Mr. Garrison
Choke her out, Mr. Service!
Female QAnon Tutor
No! Please!
Mr. Garrison
Who started this bogus tutoring company?!
Female QAnon Tutor
[still choking] It was... it...
Mr. Garrison
I'm listening!
Female QAnon Tutor
It was... the Whitessss. [Mr. Service stops from strangling her; she remains unconscious]
Mr. Garrison
The Whites? That guy was harassing me at the grocery store! Come on, Mr. Service. It's time to deal with the Whites. [Mr. Garrison leaves along with Mr. Service; Craig remained shocked through the entire scene]
Craig
[sighs] I guess 2021 is gonna be just like 2020.
Raisins, broken down and abandoned. The boys are hiding inside with the vaccines. Stan is looking out the window.
Kyle
All good?
Stan
[walking up to Kyle] I don't see anybody. I think we're safe here until school starts in the morning.
Kenny
(We're actually gonna sleep here?)
Kyle
I don't see what choice we have.
Cartman
[looking at his phone] Oh, my God.
Stan
[turns to look at Cartman] What?
Cartman
[looks up at the boys] You guys, oh my God, seriously.
Kyle
[irritated] What?
Cartman
[stands up] You guys know Mr. Lawson? Jenny Lawson's dad?
Kenny
(Yeah?)
Cartman
[points to his phone] He's offering us 2,000 bucks for a vaccination.
Kyle
[angrily] What are you doing?
Cartman
Dude, people really want their shot. I'm asking around to see what they're willing to pay for it. I'm a little Harvey Weinstein.
Kyle
[points outside] We are giving these to the teachers at the school!
Cartman
Kyle, this is what our broship needs! We can sell these and go on vacations together, go to shows and theme parks!
Kyle
[glaring at Cartman] What the broship needs is for us to do the right thing and fix the problem of everyone hating us! [the rest of the boys are silent for a moment] Right, Stan?
Stan
I say we take the vaccines ourselves. I mean, why are us kids last? This whole pandemic has been about doing what's best for adults. Maybe for the broship we do what's best for us.
Cartman
What's best for us is thousands of dollars. That's always what's best!
Kyle
[angrily] You guys are being selfish! You're not thinking about what's best for the broship. You're thinking about what's best for you. We did all this because we wanted to fix the damage of the period prank. That means taking these to the school tomorrow morning for our teachers. [walks up to the tray with the vaccines; he picks it up] I'm gonna put these somewhere safe so no one gets tempted to do the wrong thing!
Cartman
[looks at Stan] I don't know why you don't stand up to him more, it's really disappointing.
Stan stares after Cartman as he walks away. Kyle enters the back room, carrying the tray with the vaccines. His cellphone rings. He sets the vaccines on a stool.
Kyle
[looking at his phone] Oh, crap. [he taps his phone screen] Hey, dad. Look, I'm okay. I won't be home until tomorrow 'cause... well, I'm doing something really important.
Gerald
[nonchalant] Oh, okay, Kyle. Sounds good! Thanks, buddy!
Kyle
[confused] You're not... worried?
Gerald
Hey, we trust you, Kyle! [pause] Say, Kyle, we heard you have some COVID-19 vaccinations.
Kyle
[annoyed] They're for our teachers.
Gerald
Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. You know, if you think your teacher is worth saving more than us...
Kyle
It's not like that.
Gerald
Well, it sounds like that! Sounds like your teacher's life is more important than your mom and dad's! [camera turns to Kyle, looking annoyed as he listens on his phone] You know, when all this went down, the school wasn't really there for you, was it? [Kyle rests his head on the wall in frustration] School kind of abandoned you kids. But your parents, well... we didn't shove you off into a Zoom meeting, did we?
Kyle
Dad, please don't-
Gerald
You know, we're not spring chickens anymore. [his voice saddens] The virus is still out there, Kyle, and it's still killing people. I don't know how you'd feel if mom or me got COVID and died in these last few months because you did nothing. Don't do nothing, Kyle. You know what, Kyle?
Kyle
[closing his eyes] Please don't say it.
Gerald
Silence is violence, Kyle. Don't kill mom, buddy. [he hangs up]
Kyle
[lowers his phone] Shit.
Whites' residence, night time. The family is eating dinner when the doorbell rings.
Bob
Go get that will you, Crystal? [Crystal gets up and opens the front door; Mr. Garrison and Mr. Service are there]
Bob
Who is it, sweetheart?
Crystal
It's the savior of our country and still president of the United States who was impeached unjustly.
Mr. Garrison
[angry] Get them, Mr. Service!
Crystal
[Mr. Service lunges at her and she screams] Aah!
Bob
[The family is now tied up in the living room] What's this all about? Did we do something wrong?
Mr. Garrison
[turning to face the family] God damn right you did something wrong! Our public school system is dying and you tutors are trying to take advantage of it!
Bob
But we were just trying to be like you!
Mr. Garrison
You'll never be like me! I've been a teacher for 30 years! I'm just trying to get my old life back and assholes keep getting in my way!
Bob
But we have to tell children the truth! They have to know!
Mr. Garrison
They have to know what!?
Bob
About-- about the whole thing! About the vaccinations! That the pandemic was blown out of proportion!
Crystal
That Venezuelan socialists switched out circuit boards from voting machines in 12 states!
Bob
Good, sweetie! [he looks back up at Mr. Garrison] Don't you understand everything is being manipulated!
Mr. Garrison
[turns around] Everyone's being manipulated... So that's why everyone in town is being such an inconsiderate jerk about me coming back?
Bob
Yes. They don't want people to like you. They need people to hate you!
Mr. Garrison
Who are they?
Bob
They're the elites. They do whatever they want and they feed on the pain and torture of children! And if anybody starts to care, they'll just cut us off when we tell the truth! And the truth is that -- [scene cuts away]
Raisins, morning time. Kyle is in the back room. He pours two of the vaccines into a cup and refills them with Cactus Cooler, looking around to make sure he isn't seen. Stan appears in the background suddenly.
Stan
Kyle? [Kyle, startled, drops the can of Cactus Cooler and tries to hide the vaccine] What are you doing?
Kyle
[panicked] I'm just getting things ready to go.
Stan
[walking towards Kyle] So then why are you replacing some of the vaccines with Cactus Cooler?
Kyle
Alright, Stan, look. It's just the pressure of everything, okay!? My dad called and... I don't want my mom to die.
Stan
[angry] I don't want my mom to die either! I can't believe that you would lie to me. That you would hide shit from me.
Kenny
[walking into the doorway] (Hey, guys, what's going on?)
Kyle
[he and Stan look away] Nothing, Kenny. Everything's fine.
Stan
[still looking angry] Yeah, we're gonna go to the school now, buddy.
Kenny
(Okay.) [he walks away]
Stan
[walking towards Kyle] I'm just gonna try and pretend this didn't happen. But only because it's what's best for Kenny. [he turns and walks away]
South Park Elementary, daytime. The boys are walking towards the school with the vaccines.
Cartman
I can't believe we're actually doing this. There are people out there who really need these vaccines -- who have cash.
Stan
I just want this over with. Let's get these stupid things to the teachers and go home.
Scott Malkinson jumps into frame, blocking the boys.
Scott
I don't think so, Kommunity Kidz! You're not poisoning anybody with those vaccinations!
Cartman
The fuck are you talking about, Scott?
Scott
I've learned the truth! And I won't let you hurt the teacher!
Stan
We don't have time for this, Scott. [the boys walk towards Scott Malkinson]
Scott
You don't understand! I'm part of a militant group now! A secret cabal of patriot children! [he unzips his jacket, revealing a Lil' Qties shirt underneath] Lil' Qties!
Cartman
Lil' Qties? With a "Q" and an apostrophe after the "L"? That's way better than Kommunity Kids, guys. I told you, we're getting lazy.
Scott
[pulls out a walkie talkie] Move in on my position, Qties!
A large group of students move into frame, all wearing Lil' Qties shirts.
Clyde
You're not hurting our teacher again!
Lil' Qties Blonde Girl
You don't even know what those vaccines are doing to people!
Scott
For the past year, our feelings and our needs have been put dead last! Do you guys really trust anybody anymore?
Butters
Yeah!
Kyle
Butters? [points to Butters] You're a part of this too?
Butters
I just wanted to believe in something that would get me out of the house! I didn't give a shit what it was.
Scott
Now just put down the vaccines and walk away, Kommunity Kidz.
Cartman
Look, you guys have a right to say and believe whatever you want, okay? But what you believe is really stupid.
Scott
We'll see who's stupid! [runs towards Stan, punching him in the face]
The boys fight with the Lil' Qties, shouting at each other. Butters runs around waving an American flag. The scene cuts away to a breaking news broadcast.
Chris
Tom, I'm standing outside South Park Elementary, where the Kommunity Kidz were set to distribute vaccines to the public. That's when a rival gang showed up and tried to stop them, and the fighting is still going on now. [camera pans towards the fighting] You can see behind me most of the damage is done, but it is still raging on, Tom. You can see this awful gang is trying to stop the Kommunity Kidz, just because the Kommunity Kidz believe in something and actually -- and actually care! They care enough to do something!
Tom
Yeah, that's basically what the Lil' Qties are doing too, right, Chris?
Chris
What do you mean, Tom?
Tom
Well, the Kommunity Kidz are acting on something they believe in and so are the Lil' Qties, am I right? What is the difference?
Chris
Oh, yeah, well, the difference, Tom, is that you're a giant piece of shit. That's the fucking difference!
Tom
Okay, let's just --
Chris
You're gonna even remotely defend these monsters when Kommunity Kidz are promoting change, just -- Fuck you, Tom! I'm out! [he walks off screen, leaving Tom looking bewildered]
The boys are still fighting when Kyle breaks away, suddenly pointing at something.
Kyle
Oh no! Oh, Jesus, look! [a crowd of adults are running towards South Park Elementary school]
Unnamed Man 5
This is my shot!
Unnamed Man 6
My shot!
Stan
[grab the vaccines] We got to get outta here!
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Service are led into the Whites' basement by Bob.
Bob
[walking down the stairs] Come on! I can show you my Q headquarters!
Mr. Garrison
[looking around] Jesus, you people really take this seriously.
Bob
Vaccinations are nothing more than a way for the elite and powerful to control us. [camera pans across Bob's bulletin board] We've been trying to warn everyone, and then Q released a new post saying the most important day woud be March 4th. At first it didn't make sense. Nothing's happening on March 4th! Until I saw a Super Bowl ad for a new streaming service which launched on March 4th! Streaming is also the term used for nano-technology microchips invented by Bill Gates that are being put into a liquid and then shot into people's arms as a vaccine!
Mr.Garrison
Who they hell is doing all this?
Bob
The Hollywood elites! [camera once again pans over the bulletin board, showing different pictures of famous celebrities] All of them, rich, powerful people who got to where they were by drinking adrenochrome from tortured children! Anyone who gets vaccinated is going to be tracked and manipulated for the rest of their lives.
Mr. Garrison
I got an e-mail that all teachers are about to be vaccinated at the school! You're telling me they're all going to become mindless zombies who are fine with child murder?
Bob
Yes!
Mr. Garrison
Aw geez, we gotta get to the school! [both of them run towards the exit]
Bob
I'll let all the other 'anons know! [he opens up a cabinet containing a variety of different guns] We'll put a stop to this once and for all! [he arms himself and hands a gun to Mr. Garrison] Let's do this!
Suddenly the guns glow red before vanishing out of this air.
Mr. Garrison
Hey! What the hell just happened?
Bob
It's the Hollywood elites! They're on to us! Come on! They both run off-screen before reappearing a moment later in an arctic landscape.
Mr. Garrison
[looking around] Oh, my holy Jesus!
Bob
[shouting] Don't want the truth coming out, huh? Damn you! We'll get to the school! You can't stop us!
South Park Elementary principal's office. Mrs. Nelson is pacing across the room.
Mrs. Nelson
I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. I don't know why I believed them when they said they had vaccinations. [she begins to cry] I don't know why I believe anything anymore. [her phone starts ringing; she answers] Yes?
The boys are sitting at a bridge with the vaccines, looking defeated.
Cartman
Hi, Mrs. Nelson! How are you?
Mrs. Nelson
Cut the crap! You said you'd be here at 7:00 AM!
Cartman
And, you know, we just ran into a little hiccup, so we wanted to see if you could meet us somewhere else for the vaccine.
Mrs. Nelson
[angry] Oh, no. I knew this was a prank. You're not tricking me into going anywhere!
Cartman
No, no, Mrs. Nelson, it's not a prank! Okay, fine, we'll be there, okay? Just sit tight. [he hangs up]
Kyle
[angry] What was that!? You know we can't get into the school!
Cartman
She's not gonna come meet us, Kyle!
Kyle
You didn't even try! [looks to Stan]. He didn't try because he wants to sell the vaccines for money!
Stan
[glares at Kyle] And what about you, Kyle? You were the one trying to take vaccines for yourself this morning!
Cartman
He what?!
Kyle
Wow. Okay. I thought we had gotten past that, but --
Stan
Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other. We can't keep pretending.
Kyle
Are you seriously saying what I think?
Cartman
Alright, guys. I guess it's time we all had the talk we never wanted to have. [he looks at Kenny] Kenny, you wanna go get on your iPad for a minute?
Kenny
(What? No, I wanna hear this!)
Cartman
We just -- we really need to talk for a second, Kenny. Look, I downloaded Madagascar 3. You wanna watch with your Troll headphones? [he offers the iPad and headphones to Kenny]
Kenny
(Yeah, okay.) [he takes the iPad and walks away]
Stan
Look, it's been a hard year. And I think for some people there's just no going back.
Cartman
I've been trying as hard as I can to hold things together, but I have to admit... I'm just going through the "brotions."
Stan
We can't just force things for Kenny's sake. It's not good for us and it's not good for him. [he turns around, taking his hands out of his pockets and resting against the wall]
Kyle
[lifts the cooler with the vaccines] We still have a bunch of vaccines here. What happens now?
Cartman
I think I have a plan.
Scene cuts to a news broadcast.
Tom
And explosive powder keg of humanity is set to go off at South Park Elementary! [camera cuts to the chaos unfolding at the school] Thousands of people have turned up to get their shot -- that one shot that could change everything. But also in the crowd are several people who want to stop those vaccines from happening. At the center of it all -- that amazing group of kids who are just taking the time for what they believe is right. I'm talking, of course, about the Lil' Qties. A group of youngsters that believe vaccines are harmful --
Chris
[cutting him off] Yeah -- yeah, I see what you did there, Tom. That's real fucking cute.
Tom
I'm not trying to be cute. I'm saying if these kids really believe the horrific things they believe, then they'd be bad people not to go out and do something about it, wouldn't they?
Chris
[waving his arm dismissively] Yes, that's totally true if you're a corrupt dickhead without morals. You gotta be fucking --
Tom
Okay, okay, Chris, let's just get back to the weather.
Chris
Yeah, let's get back to the weather, you cunt.
The arctic. Mr. Garrison, Bob White, and Mr. Service are walking through the snow.
Mr. Garrison
[he looks back at Mr. Service, who is lagging behind] Come on, Mr. Service, we have to get back to the school!
Mr. Service
[his hands are covering his groin] My... My balls are freezing, sir.
Mr. Garrison
[turns back to Bob White] Mr. Service's balls are freezing!
Bob
[turns to face them] Don't give in to them! They're trying to make a joke of everything! That's what they do!
Mr. Garrison
How do the elites control Mr. Service's balls?
Bob
You still don't get it, do you?! They don't just drink adrenochrome, they run the show! The whole damn show! [a cursor appears suddenly, messing with Bob's appearance] It come down to two people -- [he realizes what's happening to him] Oh, you don't like that, do you?! That's getting a little close to home, huh?! You can't control me anymore, you sons of bitches! [the cursor continues to alter Bob in various ways] They're making fun of me to try and discredit my beliefs! [he is transformed into an obese woman wearing a dress, then a large penis] Oh, you don't like that, do you!? Don't want the world to know that!
Mr. Garrison
[he turns around] Listen! Listen, whoever you are! I don't give a shit what you do!
Bob
What?! What are you saying?!
Mr. Garrison
Please! I just want my old life back!
Bob
No, stop! They're monsters!
Mr. Garrison
I don't care what you do to kids, I just want people to like me again!
Bob
You son of a bitch! Aah! [he runs towards Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison
Aah! Mr. Service!
Suddenly the show freezes. The whole frame turns, revealing multiple layers of animation.
Mr. Garrison
[pacing forward and back] Ah, oh, okay, what the hell is this? Hey, come back!
The frame turns, everything returning to normal, albeit mirrored.
Mr. Garrison
How would you like to make a deal?
Mr. Service
[grunts] Aah! Aah! [the cursor shrinks him down. Mr. Garrison walks up to him to see what happened; he has been transformed into Mr. Hat]
A drawing of South Park Elementary and all the people outside is seen in frame.
Cartman
Alright, here's the situation -- [he points to the drawing of the school with a red marker] All of our teachers are inside the school, surrounded now by at least 400 to 500 people who want a shot. [he circles the crowd] The Lil' Qties are stationed throughout and we... [he circles the drawing of the boys] And we are no longer bros. The magic is gone and we are through, is that right? [camera turns to reveal Stan and Kyle sitting at a table]
Stan
Yup.
Kyle
Uh huh.
Cartman
But we all want what's best for Kenny, so we have to find a way to compromise and move on with our lives. So how do we do it? We use... a 2-2-3. [he flips the page, revealing a calendar with a schedule written on it] Kyle, you have Kenny for two days starting on Monday. I have Kenny Thursday and Friday, and then, Stan, you get him for the weekend. Then we switch where I have Kenny starting Monday, Stan gets two days and Kyle gets a weekend.
Kyle
Do we really have to do this? That- that all seems overly confusing.
Cartman
Okay, so we can go alternating weeks -- [he flips the page] Each one of us has Kenny for six days and then we rotate.
Stan
A week is a long time for Kenny to be with one person.
Cartman
[flips page] Alternating weeks with a midweek visit. We have longer stretches, but a change for a break.
Kyle
Aw, come on. What about sleepovers? We can't take those away from Kenny.
Cartman
[flips page] Alternating weeks with midweek overnight.
Stan
It would be easier if I just knew I always had Kenny on certain days.
Cartman
[flips page] 3-3-4-4 rotation. Makes everyone's days consistent -- oh, hang on on a second, guys. [he opens the door to check on Kenny, who is sitting in the hallway] Everything okay, buddy?
Kenny
[he looks up from his iPad] (Yeah, what's going on?)
Cartman
We're almost done in here, Kenny. You liking that birthday cake-flavored ice cream?
Kenny
(Yeah, it's fine, but I --)
Cartman
[cuts him off] Okay, you're doing great, pal. [he shuts the door] The 3-3-4-4 is the most consistent, but to change weekends, we would need... [flips page] the 2-2-5-5 rotation, where the weekends can actually fluctuate.
Kyle
I don't even know what to say...
Stan
Well, I say that out of all of those... the first one makes the most sense.
Cartman
[he flips back to the second page] The 2-2-3, I agree. This way we don't have to be bros but Kenny still has the best possible life.
Stan
[he gets out of his chair] 2-2-3. That's so ridiculous... that it just might work.
South Park Elementary. A news report is taking place.
Chris
We've just received devastating news here at South Park Elementary. It appears that the Kommunity Kidz... are breaking up. They have asked for people to... [he reads from a sheet of paper] "Respect their privacy in these difficult times," and it appears that the strain of this pandemic, from people like you, Tom, was just too much.
Tom
[rolls his eyes] Oh, here we go, here we go.
Chris
Yeah, here we go!You just couldn't leave 'em alone, could you, ya prick?!
Tom
Okay, let's just --
Chris
They broke up 'cause of you and your stupid -- wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute, what is this? [turns to his side] Tom, one of the Kommunity Kidz has shown up to the school... with the vaccines!
Kyle walks up to the school, carrying the cooler with the vaccines.
Guitar Singer
Finally, I'm gonna get my shot! [the crowd starts to cheer]
Scott
[the Lil' Qties group up] Alright, Qties, this is it! Prepare for the storm! [Kyle stops and looks at them]
Stan
[walking up to Kyle on the left] Dude, what are you doing? You're gonna get yourself killed.
Cartman
[approaches Kyle on the right] This isn't our fight anymore, Kyle.
Kyle
We set out to do something. I'm not letting our broship fall to the pandi just yet.
Cartman
Alright... then let's get those vaccines to the teachers.
Stan
Okay, let's do this.
The boys face the crowd of Qanons, Lil Qties, and adults waiting for the vaccine. They get into battle position, with Kyle taking out a baton.
Mr. Garrison
[appearing suddenly] Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting, he drags behind him Bob White, who has been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!
Stan
What the fuck is that?
Qanon Member
It's him! It's the Chonen One!
Qanon Member #2
He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!
Scott
Wait, he's the Chosen One?
Mr. Garrison
Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look at each other] And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing!
A low bass tone sounds and fireworks explode in the air. Everyone in the crowd gasps. Air Israel planes appear.
Mr. Garrison
It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!
The crowd cheers, running to the plane to get vaccinated. An Israeli man begins throwing boxes full of vaccines to the citizens of South Park. They all begin to inject the vaccinations into themselves.
Gerald
[vaccinating himself] Hey, Garrison! Good job!
Stephen
Yeah! You're alright, Garrison!
Mr. Garrison
[laughs, putting his hands on his hips] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.
Cartman
Well, come on you guys! Let's get inside!
They run inside with the vaccines where all the teachers are waiting.
Kyle
Mrs. Nelson? We're here!
Mr. Mackey
[leaving his office] Boys! Boys, you made it! [all the other staff members walk out]
Cartman
Of course we made it! [motions to Stan and Kyle] 'Cause our broship can survive anything!
Stan
Hello, Mrs. Nelson! [she is walking down the stairs]
Kyle
We got your vaccination for you, Mrs. Nelson.
Mrs. Nelson
Boys... you really did it. I -- I can't believe it. For a while there, I thought I -- [she breaks into a coughing fit] Excuse me. I thought I wasn't gonna -- [coughs again] gosh, excuse me. [she continues coughing and gasping]
Scene cuts to a funeral. Mrs. Nelson is in the coffin. Father Maxi is speaking.
Father Maxi
As a teacher, Mrs. Nelson did everything she could for her students. So it seems even more unfair that she... was just a few days late in getting the vaccine before she died of COVID. And now as Mr. Garrison takes over teaching for Mrs. Nelson permanently... [Scott Malkinson begins sobbing; Mr. Garrison is smiling] I think we should all take a moment to say... Hey! The rest of us made it, South Park! We're on the other side of this damn thing! [all the adults cheer] And so it's time for adults to screw these masks and party like it's 2021!
Down By The Lazy River by the Osmonds plays over a montage of adults partying. Two citizens spit in each others' mouths.
Unnamed Man 7
[partying in a club] Hey, look at Walgreens! Nobody's going!
Unnamed Man 8
Yeah, that place used to be so cool and now it's lame!
Randy
[selling weed at a booth] So we still have some of the pandemic special, but the vaccination special is about out! Try 'em both -- the season is about over, guys!
A long line of elderly people are entering a retirement home.
Worker
Back inside the retirement home, old people! All the fun places are ours again! [The elderly people groan]
The boys are walking down the street, still wearing masks, while the adults party.
Stephen
[dancing] Adults are all vaccinated! Adults are all vaccinated!
Stan
Well, I guess this is it... [turns around to face rest of the boys]
Cartman
Yeah.
Kyle
I guess it is what's best for everybody.
Kenny
(What are you guys talking about?)
Stan
Everything's gonna be okay, Kenny. I'll see you on Monday.
Kyle
And I'll come pick you up on Thursday, Kenny.
Kenny
(Huh?)
Stan
Hey, I wish you guys all the best, huh?
Cartman
Thanks. I'll be fine. I already have some new bros I'm hanging out with.
Clyde
Hey, Cartman!
Cartman
[turns to face Clyde] Yeah?
Clyde
[standing with Jimmy and an unnamed Hispanic kid] Dude, they're reopening Casa Bonita this weekend. Do you wanna come with us?
Cartman
[he takes off his mask] Casa Bonita?! Hell yeah, I'll come! [his face falls] Oh, wait! I can't! I have fucking Kenny this weekend! [he throws his hat onto the ground in anger] Shit! [he walks away furiously, glaring at a confused Kenny]
Fourth grade classroom. Mr. Garrison opens the door and walks inside, dropping his books on his desk and taking a seat. He puts Mr. Hat on his hand, smiling.
Mr. Garrison
[sighs] Nice doing business with you... you little child-murdering pedophiles. [the scene cuts to black, credits roll]
End of South ParQ Vaccination Special
  2402: "South ParQ Vaccination Special" edit
Story Elements

Eric CartmanStan MarshKyle BroflovskiKenny McCormickHerbert GarrisonMr. ServiceMargaret NelsonCOVID-19QAnonTutornonLil' QtiesWalgreens

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