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The official script for "Sexual Harassment Panda" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Hat
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Principal Victoria
  • Chef
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Judge Julie
  • Tom Morris, aka Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda
  • Kevin McCarty
  • Mr. Evans and the South Park School Board
  • Bartender
  • Skeeter and Bar Patrons
  • Collector
  • The Company Rep
  • Misfit Mascots

Script

Sexual Harassment Panda
Mr. Garrison's classroom. The kids chat away as Token enters
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children. Let's take our seats. We have something very important to discuss. Due to recent events around the country I've been instructed to teach you all about sexual harassment in school.
Kyle
About what?
Mr. Garrison
Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment means? [Cartman raises his hand] Yes, Eric?
Cartman
When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
Mr. Garrison
...No, Eric! That's not what I'm talking about! The school board has sent over a special guest to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools. Please welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda. [Petey enters]
Petey


[song and dance]
Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harassment Panda
"Don't say that! Don't touch there!
Don't be nasty!" says the silly bear
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong
Sexual Harassment Panda

Hi, boys and girls. [the class says nothing]

Mr. Garrison
Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!
Class
[hesitant] Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
Clyde
Hababah...
Petey
[reaches behind the desk for a picture of two pandas in briefs] Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [drops his head to one side]
Kyle
[to Stan] This is freaking me out, dude.
Petey
[shows another picture of two pandas...] And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. [puts the picture away and gets some literature] Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.
Class
Awgh..!
Five hours later...
Petey
"...Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda does make..."
Stan
Ohh, dude, get me out of here!
Cartman
I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
Stan
You would think that, you little ass-sucker.
Cartman
What did you call me?
Stan
An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. You see an ass, you suck it. You're an ass-sucker.
Cartman
[indignant] That does it! I am suing you for sexual harassment!
Petey
Uh-oh.
Stan
What?
Cartman
You have... sexually harassed me for the last time! It says right here... that now I can sue you and take all of your money.
Petey
That's right, he can.
Stan
No you can't, you little ass-sucker!
Cartman
Oh, you did it again! You all heard him!
Petey
"The first party of the first panda may sue the second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."
South Park Courthouse, day. The Honorable Judge Julie presiding
Judge Julie
This is Cartman vs. Marsh, Case No. 3433. What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?
Cartman
Your Honor, my lawyer is just parking the car. He should be here any second.
Kyle
[sitting by Stan] Dude! He got a lawyer?
Gerald
[entering] Sorry I'm late.
Kyle
Dad?!
Gerald
Oh! Hi, Kyle. [moves to Cartman's side]
Judge Julie
All right. Let's move this along, shall we? Now, Eric Cartman, uh, you claim that Stan Marsh sexually harassed you in school.
Cartman
Th... That is correct, my honor.
Stan
Hoh, whatever! [rests his head on his left hand]
Cartman
He talked about having oral sex with my ass.
Stan
I called you an ass-sucker!
Cartman
Yes, that was it. I was suh-so upset. [sniffs, Gerald comforts him] I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. And the way his eyes kept looking at me, slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing me with his eyes. [hides his face in Gerald's coat and begins sobbing]
Stan
What?! Cartman, you call people names all the time!
Gerald
As you can see, Your Honor, my client is too upset to continue.
Judge Julie
Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
Stan
Wwhat do you mean?
Judge Julie
I need to hear your defense.
Stan
Uh... I'm eight?
Judge Julie
All right, this seems pretty open-and-shut. Stan Marsh, under the new Sexual Harassment in Schools law, I am forced to find you guilty.
Stan
Huh?
Gerald
All right, we did it!
Cartman
Hooray!
Judge Julie
Since the defendant is underage and has no monetary resources, it is the judgment of this court that 50% of Stan Marsh's belongings are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately.
Stan
I have to give him half my stuff?
Cartman
Sweet..!
Marsh residence. Cartman is present with Gerald and a collector in Stan's room
Cartman
Let's see. I want that Clown Criminy game [on the cabinet next to the door. The collector puts it into Cartman's box], and that Power Jim doll. [goes to Stan's toy box] And, let's see... [pulls out a Mega Truck] Do you really like this remote-controlled truck?
Stan
Yeah, dude. That's my favorite toy.
Cartman
Oh, well, I'll just take that, then. [tosses it into his box and reaches for a lizard] And what about this? Is this one of your favorites?
Stan
Uh, no! I hate that toy!
Cartman
Oh, then you won't mind if I take it! [tosses it into his box]
Stan
Damnit!
Collector
[approaches Gerald with two toys] Here you go. As your legal fee you can choose between the green choo-choo or the squishy football.
Gerald
Hm. [drops them and walks to Cartman] You know, Eric, I've been thinking, uh...
Cartman
Uh-huh? That model airplane kit? Go on.
Gerald
Uh, you know, the people really responsible for your harassment is the public schools. [Cartman looks through Stan's drawers] Perhaps we should sue them next.
Cartman
What? But uh, why should I sue the school?
Gerald
Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on. And, they have a lot more money. I think we could get a lot more out of this than half of Stan's belongings.
Cartman
Interesting. [the collector picks up a can and presses a button on it] Ooo, Stan's asthma inhaler. I want that. [rushes to grab it]
Courthouse, day. The gavel sounds. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Immediate Party
Judge Julie
Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?
Mr. Garrison
No, I had no freakin' idea!
Gerald
Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?
Mr. Garrison
Of course, and so does Mr. Hat. We do not tolerate sexual harassment!
Judge Julie
You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison
I'm sorry, toots.
Gerald
Did you, or did you not, hear my client being called an ass-sucker?
Mr. Garrison
Yes.
Gerald
And you did nothing.
Mr. Garrison
Well, he is a little ass-sucker. [the audience laughs]
Judge Julie
[gaveling twice] Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!
Mr. Garrison
Okay, baby, I'm sorry.
Later that day. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Responsible Party
Gerald
Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?
Principal Victoria
Well, not any more than any other student.
Gerald
Oh! So you admit that harassment goes on!
Principal Victoria
I don't know!
Gerald
You don't know?! You're the principal!
Principal Victoria
I can't be around every second!
Gerald
[staring her down] So it DOES go on!!!
Principal Victoria
All right, all right, I killed him. I hit him over the head and I cut up the body. I tried to burn him, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO IT!! [beaks down on the stand] OH GOD!!!
Gerald
Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker? Yes or no?
Principal Victoria
[composes herself] I believe so, yes. [the audience begins to murmur]
Man
That's sexual harassment.
The courthouse, still later. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Expert Witness
Gerald
Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Sexual Harassment Panda.
Petey

[song and dance as he goes to the stand]
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda

Gerald
Expert witness, did South Park Elementary allow sexual harassment to go on?
Petey
Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.
Gerald
And who's to blame?
Petey
I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held responsible.
Gerald
There! You have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!
Petey
Panda.
Gerald
Pan-Panda's mouth.
Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Verdict
Judge Julie
After careful review, it is the judgment of this court that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman $1.3 million in damages.
Gerald
All right! We did it, Eric!
Cartman

[takes his jacket off and twirls it around]

It's time to celebrate, yeah
It's time to celebrate, yeah

Broflovski residence. It is literally bigger now - 50% taller, wider, deeper... Same with the garage, itself bigger than the house to it's right. The icicles are also bigger. Furniture movers come by with new furnishings for the new, big house. Two delivery men take a big-screen TV into the house
Gerald
That goes in the master bedroom. [Kyle walks up] Well, Kyle. What do you think of your new house?
Kyle
It's... big.
Gerald
Yes, it is big, isn't it? It is very big.
Kyle
Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman $1.3 million, where does that money come from?
Gerald
Well Kyle, schools have lots of money. You see, we all pay taxes, and part of that tax money goes to public schools, and it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million.
Kyle
[thinks a bit] And you don't see a problem with that?
Gerald
No. It's a very fragile system that nature has designed. All things flow into each other.
Kyle
You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
Gerald
Sort of, yeah.
Mr. Garrison's classroom, some days later. The alphabet strip, the poster, and the teacher's desk and chair are gone. Only the chalkboard remains. Mr. Garrison enters
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school, but lessons will go on as normal. Any questions? [Stan raises his hand. The desks, pictures, and numbers are gone] Yes, Stan?
Stan
Where's our desks?
Mr. Garrison
Right, desks. Well, a lot of cuts had to be made since the school's funding is short for lawsuits.
Stan
[huffs] You see, Cartman? You see what this has done?
Cartman
All I know is, I got this sweet digital watch and these cool shoes; I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass!
Clyde
Wow! I wanna sue somebody! [smiles at Bebe]
Bebe
Me, too. I wanna get a lawyer.
Class
Yeah!
Kenny
(Woohoo!)
Mr. Garrison
Well, let's just try to cope with the changes and do our schoolwork. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence on the board, and I want you to tell me the noun. [starts writing, with a nail. The sound just grates to the ear]
Class
[wincing] AAGGGHHH!!
Mr. Garrison
[turns to face the class] I know, I know. I'm sorry, children, but we can't afford chalk anymore. I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail. Anyway, children, in the sentence, "The ball is red..." [loud scratching]
Class
[wincing] AAGGGGHHH!!
The offices of Broflovski and Jackson. Gerald is in his office looking out the window. His briefcase is open. Music starts for a commercial
Gerald
[turns around] Kids! Are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a homo? A farty-pants? A butt-... face? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you [slams his briefcase shut] close the lid on sexual harassment in schools!
Bebe
[outside] After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny bicycle. Thank you, Kyle's dad! [rings her bell and rides away]
Clyde
[on a yacht, The Litigator, sunning himself] Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you, too. Just look at all these beautiful girls! [four of them come to cater to him]
Gerald
So call me, Kyle's dad. Because it's not about money, it's about... wait, what am I saying? Call me! [jumps for joy. This shot is frozen as the jingle is sung]
Singers

'Kids picking on you? Well, don't be sad
Just sue their asses with Kyle's dad
["Call now! 1-555-SUE THEM"]

South Park School Board meeting at South Park Elementary
Chairman
All right, what other cuts do we have to make to the school budget?
Woman
Uh, next we have Tom Morris. He plays Sexual Harassment Panda at the schools.
Chairman
Oh, right. We certainly can't afford him anymore.
Woman
I warn you, Mr. Evans, uh, Tom Morris takes his job a little seriously.
Petey
[enters]

Hello, sexual harassment cubs.

Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda

Mr. Evans
Uh uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
Petey
Who?
Mr. Evans
Uh... S-Sexual Harassment Panda.
Petey
Oh, all right. [sits]
Mr. Evans
Uh—M-m-m-Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking, and, we've decided that perhaps a "panda" isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children. [Petey's head tilts]
Woman
You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't really have anything to do with... sexual harassment. [long pause] At all.
Mr. Evans
...I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go.
Petey
[rubs his eyes] I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.
The courthouse, day. The dominoes begin to tumble. Pip vs. Cartman
Judge Julie
Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of this court that you sexually harassed Pip Philip at school.
Cartman
No way!
Pip
I won!
Cartman
This is ridiculous!
Judge Julie
You asked Pip to suck your... you know what. You must give Pip half your stuff, and the school must give Pip $1.6 million.
Principal Victoria
[Mr. Mackey sits with her] Oh, dear God!
Gerald
Wow, I'm good!
Judge Julie
Next!
Craig vs. Wendy. They go to their respective podiums. The boys have left
Craig
This girl touched my thigh.
Judge Julie
Half her belongings, school is sued for 2.1 million.
Principal Victoria
We're ruined!
Judge Julie
Next!
Mr. Mackey vs. Tweek. They go to their respective podiums.
Mr. Mackey
Uh, Your Honor, this young man commented on the shape of my ass.
Tweek
[hops] Guh!
Judge Julie
Half his stuff, 2 million from the school.
Principal Victoria
Oh..! [faints right off the chair]
South Park Elementary, class time, barren classroom
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, let's all take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [gets out the rusty nail, but turns to see the class with Mr. Broflovski in the back] Oohh-kay. Uh, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?
Clyde
Um...
Gerald
[admonishing] Don't answer that!
Mr. Garrison
Uh, Craig, how about you?
Craig
Um... [Gerald whispers in his ear] Okay. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me.
Gerald
[whispers] Incriminate.
Craig
Incriminate.
Mr. Garrison
[angrily] Okay, children, I'm having a real problem with you all having lawyers. It is really disrupting class time! [Gerald approaches and whispers in his ear] Uh huh. Ri-oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight. [Gerald leaves] Kids, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant, if that's okay with you, uhum...
Cafeteria. The boys are in line. At least the tables are still there
Kevin
[to Red] Let's trade sandwiches.
The kitchen. The poster and menu board are missing, but the counter is there
Chef
Hello there, children!
Boys
Hey, Chef.
Chef
How's it going?
Stan
Bad.
Chef
Well, they're about to get worse. All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.
Cartman
Lumpy potatoes?! Oh, no!
Chef
Sorry, children. All my funding's been cut.
Cartman
Oh my God! You guys have to do something!
Stan
Chef, how can we stop all these sexual assment lawsuits?
Chef
I don't know, children. [to Kyle] Why don't you ask your dad? He's a lawyer, ain't he?
Kyle
I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop. He's making too much money.
Chef
Well, somebody else has got to know all about this sexual harassment whosafudge.
Kyle
Hey, what about that stupid panda?
Stan
Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. He's the one that started all this. We have to find him!
Chef
Well, I hope you do. Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes from here on out.
Cartman
Noooo! [runs out]
South Park School Board meeting
Mr. Evans
That's thirty-two more lawsuits in the past twenty-four hours.
Woman
Oh my God!
Mr. Evans
Looks like we'll have to cut all counseling and nutrition programs.
Woman
The children have started suing adults. They could sue us next.
Mr. Evans
Holy smokes, you're right!
Stan
[enter with Kyle, Cartman, Kenny] 'Scuse me. We'd like to speak with Sexual Harassment Panda, please.
Mr. Evans
Ugh! [he and the other members hide behind their chairs] P-please! Don't sue us.
Kyle
[confused] Huh?
Man
We'll give you anything you want.
Stan
We want Sexual Harassment Panda.
Mr. Evans
Oh! Well, uh... We had to let him go.
Cartman
What?!
Mr. Evans
[ducks and rises again] D'uh. I mean, he left.
Stan
Well, where is he?!
Woman
We don't know! Honestly, I swear it! Please!! Let us go!
Stan
What the hell is wrong with these people?!
The Company
Company rep
Well. Uh, your credentials are very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, uh but I'm afraid there's no room for you at our company at this time.
Petey
It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
Company rep
Well, i-it is because you're a panda. Euh, it's because you're a sexual harassment panda.
Petey
I can't help what I am.
Company rep
Now, have you ever heard of a retreat called "The Island of Misfit Mascots"?
Petey
Well, yes, but that place is for loser mascots that make no sense.
Company rep
Well, uh, yes. They may be... just what you're looking for.
Petey
I don't have to sit here and listen to this! How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?!
Special Report: Sexual Harassment
Reporter
As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski, the lawyer from South Park who plans to make quite a commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is Gerald Broflovski. So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Kyle's dad. Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and... [a note is handed to him] This just in! Newscaster Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander. The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment. Wait...
South Park Bar. Cool Beer In Here. A jukebox plays. Petey sits at the bar, and three unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study him.
Jukebox

Some days just seem lonely

Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight...

Barkeep
Another scotch? [Petey nods affirmatively, and the barkeep serves up another scotch. Petey sips]
Jukebox

So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the highway...

Standing Patron
Hey! Panda bear! [Petey lowers his drink to look at him] We don't take kindly to your types in here.
Barkeep
Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter
No! [approaches Petey] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?! [Petey has no answer]
Barkeep
Sk-heeter, I don't want no trouble nu-how.
Petey
It's okay. I get it. There's no room in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me! I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots! [rises and goes out the door. Skeeter watches him go]
Barkeep
Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come in here you gotta go flappin' your jaw?
Broflovski residence. Now it has massive front doors, five stories, and a water fountain just to the right of the doors. The garage itself is bigger than the house next to it. And the icicles are bigger, too. More furniture arrives
Gerald
[Kyle arrives] Well? What do you think, Kyle?
Kyle
Dad? Don't you think our last new house is big enough?
Gerald
Well, this one is bigger!
Kyle
Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone, is gonna make things a lot worse! We have to stop it!
Gerald
[kneels] Kyle, let me explain something to you.
Kyle
[annoyed, looks askance] Hoh God, here we go.
Gerald
You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And Democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace. And what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Kyle
Isn't that fascism?
Gerald
No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
Kyle
Do you?
Gerald
[rises] Just look at how big this house is, Kyle. Just look at it.
South Park Bar. Stan, Cartman and Kenny enter. The three patrons are still there
Stan
[enters] 'Scuse me.
Barkeep
Yeah? What can I do for you?
Stan
Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
Barkeep
Big panda bear, big panda bear, hm...
Skeeter
Hey! Eight-year old! We don't take kindly to your types in here.
Barkeep
Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter
No! [approaches Stan] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm Eight Years Old here! How come you types are always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter?!
Stan
...Coats?
Barkeep
Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
Patron with hat
[pointing at Stan] We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Stan
Dude, what the hell is going in?!
Cartman
Did you guys see a big panda bear in here, or not?
Skeeter
[pounds the counter] We don't take kindly to panda bears!
Stan
Well, we don't take kindly to you!
Patron with hat
[pointing at Stan] Well, we don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here. [they look anew at each other, and nothing more is said among them]
Barkeep
Kids, there was a panda bear in here. He said somethin' about the Island of Misfit Mascots.
Cartman
Where's that?
Barkeep
If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins' place.
Stan
Come on, we'd better hurry. [the boys make their way past the men and leave]
Skeeter
Whoa! Lookie her! [a blonde sits alone at the bar] Hey! Beautiful woman! [she sips a beer and lowers the bottle] We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Barkeep
Nu-how, Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody.
Courthouse, next day. Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone is chattering in the audience
Judge Julie
This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone. [gavels, and all fall quiet] Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski.
Gerald
Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Everyone has committed a crime here, and Everyone must pay for that crime. My client, Everyone, has been hurt by this crime and must be compensated.
The Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune. The boys reach the front gate
Stan
[reads] "Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune". This must be the place. [they enter]
Worm
Hello there, boys.
Stan
Whoa! Who are you?
Worm
I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
Boys
Yes.
Willy
That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
Stan
...Thanks a lot, dude.
Pig
[rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
Cartman
I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy
That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]
Stan
Have you seen any panda bears?
Willy
Hm...
Falcon
[shows up behind the boys] Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the "Don't Hold On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses A Fan Nearby" Falcon!
Kyle
What??
Jimmy
Here, watch. [hands a large magnet to Kenny, then walks to a wind-generating fan and turns it on. As the blades rev up, the magnet tugs at Kenny]
Kenny
(You guys, come get this fucking magnet noooowwww!) [the magnet pulls him into the blades, and he's chopped up into bits] (Argh--!)
Jimmy
See?
Stan
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards! [looks further on] Hey! There he is! [Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda, seated on a bench while a whale and an octopus dance to his song]
Petey

Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda
[the boys rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]

Stan
Dude, are we glad to find you! You have to come back to South Park, quick!
Petey
Why?
Kyle
Because! Everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all!
Petey
Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
Badger
Hello, kidsh, I'm Hoppy, the "Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear" Badger. [a long silence follows as the boys look at Hoppy] Well, I'll leave now.
Stan
Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other.
Petey
But, I'm just a panda.
Kyle
No you're not, dude! You're a guy in a panda costume! [All mascots within hearing distance turn to see the cause of this outburst]
Willy
[rushes over to Petey and the boys] Heeyy, I'm a real worm, pal!!
Kyle
Okay, sorry, sorry.
Cartman
You're-you're a worm. That's that's cool, that's cool.
Stan
[to Petey] Okay, yyou are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new massage that people will find useful again.
Petey
What message?
Kyle
That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
Petey
...You know? You little cubs might just be right.
Willy
Yeah!
Petey
[jumps up and stands] Okay!
Courthouse. Closing arguments begin.
Gerald
Your honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments.
Kyle
[bursting in] Wait! [Stan, Cartman, and Petey follow]
Mr. Garrison
Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
Stan
[faces the audience] No! He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say.
Petey
Hello, everyone. I'm Petey, the "Don't Sue People" Panda.
Jimbo
"Don't Sue People" Panda? [the bar patrons are present]
Skeeter
[stands up] Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!
Barkeep
Nuhow, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Petey
Listen to me: when you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state. From you. [The courtroom is silent, listening] There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities, and put it in your own pocket. And that makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [reactions are seen in the faces of various people in the courtroom, even in Gerald's face.]
Bearded man
I'm a sad panda, too.
Man 1
I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault! [people get angry at Gerald]
Man 2
[rises] Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!
All
[rising] Yeah!
Gerald
[approaches Petey and the boys] No! Don't you see? Th-the panda's right. Boy, what a great message he has! When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. Uhwell, I've really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and two easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
Petey
"Don't Sue People" Panda.
Gerald
Yeah, well, whatever, sooo let's... not... sue anyone again. Okay, come on, guys. Let's go get some ice cream!
Petey/Boys
Hooray!
Petey
Pandas love ice cream. [Gerald, Petey, and the boys leave the courtroom]
Judge Julie
Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, I'm throwing the case out. Case dismissed! [gavels and leaves the bench]
Skeeter
[people in the audience leave] Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases being dismissed around here!
Barkeep
[passing by] God damnit, Skeeter, shut the hell up.
Public Service Announcement
Petey
Hello, cubs. I'm "Don't Sue People" Panda, with an important message for you! Lawsuits damage our society. I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember: that money has to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people. So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our schools. Good-bye now. [walks off]
End of Sexual Harassment Panda


  306: "Sexual Harassment Panda" edit
Story Elements

Peetie the Sexual Harassment Panda • "Sexual Harassment Panda (song)" • Island of Misfit Mascots

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season

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