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Moss Piglets "Moss Piglets/Script" "SUPER HARD PCness/Script" "Splatty Tomato/Script" Splatty Tomato

Cast

Script

SUPER HARD PCness


Netflix headquarters, day. The President of Netflix is talking to some prospects.
Netflix President
Welcome to Netflix. [smiles] Last year we approved 16 original shows and movies; and this year, it is our goal to make that number 1,087. That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working with you two comedy geniuses, Terrance & Phillip. [Terrance & Phillip are shown, now as elderly gentlemen. Terrance raises his left leg slowly and lets out a wet fart. The president laughs and claps] Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Classic stuff. Now go ahead and pitch what you're thinking for your Netflix original series.
Terrance
Well, we were thinkin' that we'd do a show where Phillip and I are on a farm... with a cow.
President
[still enthused] Okay, I love it so far.
Terrance
[slowly] The sun is just starting to come up and then... I fart on Phillip.
Phillip
[slowly] And I say, "Terrance, you farted," and I fart on Terrance.
President
And it's like a back and forth kind of thing? It's sort of like a-?
Phillip
[slowly] It's like a back and forth kind of thing. I fart on him, he farts on...
President
On you. Got it!
Phillip
No! On the cow. [they both laugh]
President
Welcome to Netflix, you sons of bitches. YEAH!
Terrance & Phillip
Hooray!
South Park Elementary, day. The kids are at their lockers switching out books. Other kids run by, causing a commotion. Craig and Tweek run by Stan holding hands.
Craig
Come on, Tweek. Hurry!
Stan
What's going on?
Tweek
[running by] Cartman and his girlfriend are fighting again. [Stan closes his locker door and joins the others. They get to the actual fight, where Heidi throws punches at Cartman]
Cartman
Oh. Uh. Oh. Ugh! Goddamn! [he punches her once] Oh. Sweetheart!
Heidi
Piece of shit! [punches him four times, he grunts as he gets hit]
Cartman
Honey, I wanna watch Terrance & Phillip with my friends!
Heidi
You promised we'd have a date night! [punches him twice]
Cartman
It's just one night, babe. Stan is having a viewing party, honey. [punches her once]
Heidi
So then why can't I come?
Cartman
Terrance & Phillip is a guys' night thing, baby.
Kyle
[arrives to separate them] Uh, hey, hey, hey! What the hell are you all doing?
Wendy
Watching Heidi get her bitch-ass kicked!
Heidi
Fuck you, Wendy!
Craig
Don't take that crap, Heidi! Let Cartman have it!
Kyle
Guys! Guys, this has gone on way too long. Can't we all stop being so mean to each other? [a moment of reflection around the crowd]
Heidi
Shut up, Kyle. You sound like your mom. [everyone laughs]
Cartman
Th- that was awesome, baby. I love you. [reaches out and takes her hand]
Heidi
I love you too, babe.
Kids
Awww. [disappointed, everyone disperses]
Craig
Dammit.
Butters
Fight's over. Kyle ruined it. [Kyle is left all alone in the hallway]
The school gym, assembly. PC Principal addresses the kids.
PC Principal
Alright everyone, listen up. As you know, there's been a lot of bullying and insensitivity at our school. To counteract this, it is my firm belief that South Park Elementary is in desperate need of s a strong woman. So in looking for a new vice principal, we wanted to find a powerful, intelligent, and independent female to be a role model for us all. And with that said, I'd like to introduce our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [claps, then hands the mic to her as she walks up]
Strong Woman
Thank you, PC Principal. Alright everyone, listen up. I'm the new vice principal of this school. My name is Strong Woman. I've already spent a few days here at the school watching and observing and we definitely have things we can all be working on. [at this point, Butters is whispering something in Clyde's ear]
PC Principal
[snatches the mic from Strong Woman's hand] Hey! Stotch! You do not disrespect Strong Woman by talking when she's talking!
Strong Woman
You really think I couldn't have handled that? Myself?
PC Principal
Oh. Uh, I was just making sure everything was uh-
Strong Woman
You really had to grab the mic out of my hand like that?
PC Principal
Shit. I mean, no, sorry, sorry, I'm not u-, uh, here you go. [hands the mic back to her]
Strong Woman
I want the girls here at this school to know that they can talk to me about anything, but I also want the boys to know what I'm looking for is a better place for everybody. [walks forward a bit] Turning this school around is going to take work from everyone.
PC Principal
From everyone!
Strong Woman
[glances back at him] Sorry, am I not doing this correctly?
PC Principal
No. NO! Sorry, I thought I'd... add, just add for emphasis.
Strong Woman
You felt it wasn't strong enough? Me just saying it?
PC Principal
No-I, I'm... Uh, I'm sorry.
Strong Woman
[sighs, turns back to students] I'm looking forward to being your vice principal, and I'm looking forward to turning this school around.
PC Principal
[moves up] Alright, now if we have any q-
Strong Woman
I'm not finished!
PC Principal
[backs up] Right, right, uh, I'm sorry. Every- pay attention everybody!
The Terrance & Phillip Show. As the announcers speak, the logos come up.
Announcer 1
It's the Terrance & Phillip Sho-o-ow.
Announcer 2
On Netflix. [the camera pans down to the duo. Terrance holds a pitchfork]
Phillip
Hey Terrance, what did the black lawyer say to the Muslim priest?
Terrance
I don't know, Phillip. What? [Phillip climbs up a three-step ladder, turns around, and farts on Terrance. They laugh at each other. The kids watching at Stan's living room laugh at them, but Kyle looks rather disinterested. The doorbell rings]
Stan
Come in!
Cartman
[walks in with Heidi] Did we miss it?
Stan
It's just starting.
Heidi
Oh look, honey. Kyle's mom is here. Shouldn't you be at temple, Ms. Broflovski? [Kyle is shocked as the others laugh]
Canadian Mexican
[walks into view] Hola. Would you like to buy some chimichangas?
Terrance
Si, mi amigo. [climbs onto the hay bale next to him as Phillip goes up the stepladder] Here, I'll give you two pesos. [he and Phillip take turns farting on the vendor. The kids in Stan's living room laugh]
Heidi
Dude, that's awesome.
Stan
[notices Kyle isn't laughing] What, what's wrong, dude.
Kyle
For the first time I feel kind of bad for the person being farted on.
Heidi
Uf, Kyle's mom doesn't like the cartoon, guys. Better shut it off. [everyone laughs]
Cartman
Baby, I fuckin' love you so much.
South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting.
PC Principal
Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around]
Strong Woman
Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good?
Mr. Mackey
Uhm'kay.
Strong Woman
So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds]
Mr. Mackey
Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly?
Substitute Teacher
Yeah, yeah, I hear it.
Strong Woman
[rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere.
PC Principal
E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him]
The playground, recess. Kyle is on his iPhone lookiing at YouTube videos of Terrance & Phillip over the years. First is a teen Terrance farting on Cher on the Soony & Cher Show, then a teen Phillip farts and sits on Sonny. Next is a video of Terrance & Phillip farting on a deer, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her dog, then one of Terrance farting on a News Canada reporter, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her baby. A song comes up, reminiscent of Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror".
The Preacher
Therefore what God hath joined together let no man [Terrance farts on the preacher] Oh! [the duo laugh. Kyle just gets off the merry-go-round and walks off campus. He walks onto a small stone bridge, where he looks at his reflection on the water below. He then leaves the bridge and goes home to look at his reflection on full-length mirror in his room. He takes off his jacket and hangs it up]
Michael Jackson
That's it. That's it, Kyle. [Kyle takes off his Terrance & Phillip T-shirt and puts it away is his trash can, then goes to his dresser to pull out a baby blue shirt and puts it on. He then goes to the vanity mirror, takes off his hat, and gives himself a haircut] No more. No more of them doody jokes. [he leaves the bathroom and goes back to the mirror in his room] No more watching cartoons of people, people having go doody. [he checks himself out on the mirror] And poo-pooing on each other's heads. [he puts on his jacket and hat back on] It's not funny anymore, it is, Kyle? [he checks himself out once more]
Dr. Gauche's office, day. PC Principal has gone in to have his hearing checked. Hootie & The Blowfish is still in his head. The doctor walks in.
Doctor
Hello there, misterr... Principal, is it?
PC Principal
That's right, I'm PC Principal.
Doctor
Hm what's bringing you in today?
PC Principal
I'm uh... having this problem with my ears. There's like a persistent kind of ahh ringing going on.
[checking the right ear canal with a scope] O-kay, can you describe the ringing?
Dialog
PC Principal
It's um, Hootie & The Blowfish.
Doctor
You're hearing a song? [walks to the other side to check out the left eat canal]
PC Principal
Yeah, uh, ahem, there's a new woman that has joined our faculty. Her name is Strong Woman, and uh, she seems to have set off some kind of device in my ears.
Doctor
So maybe you're having some feelings for her.
PC Principal
No, that couldn't be it. We work in the same place, so it would be impossible for me to like her. I'm thinking there's some sort of device in my ears.
Doctor
Well, I looked, and Hootie & The Blowfish aren't in your ears. I believe you're hearing them in your mind and your heart.
PC Principal
Oh, dude. Bro.
Vice Principal Strong Woman's office, day. Kyle stands outsdie the office door. To one side are "What is Gender" pamphlets for boys and girls separately. Kyle knocks on the door.
Strong Woman
You may enter. [Kyle walks in and sees her putting her books in order]
Kyle
Vice Principal Woman?
Strong Woman
Yes? [sits at her desk] What can I do for you?
Kyle
My name's Kyle, and I've been doing a lot of changing lately. I came because I might be able to offer some... insight into our problem here.
Strong Woman
Please, by all means.
Kyle
You see, there's a culture at this school that embraces meanness, and I believe now that it comes from a Canadian TV show. All the boys watch it. I did too. We all laughed while they... farted... on innocent people's heads. The thing is, I never felt for the person being farted on. Until now. I want to work with you to open people's eyes, because I get it now.
Strong Woman
[not following] You want to blame farts? That seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it?
Kyle
What?
Strong Woman
I mean, it's a slippery slope when we start pointing the finger at our own shortcomings.
Kyle
But, but I thought for sure YOU would be on my side.
Strong Woman
Kind of sounds like something my mother would say, actually.
Kyle
What?? D'oh, forget it! [turns around and walks out]
The school hallways. Kyle walks by himself as other kids are at their lockers. Cartman's voice is heard is heard over the PA system.
Cartman
May I have your attention please? Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Thank you. [begins to laugh. The kids around Kyle begin to laugh as well]
Heidi
[over the PA system] Come on, we've gotta get out of here.
Kyle
Rrrrr!


Script goes here
Script
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End of SUPER HARD PCness



  2109: "SUPER HARD PCness" edit
Story Elements

PC PrincipalStrong WomanKyle BroflovskiTerrance and Phillip

Media

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Release

South Park: The Complete Twenty-First Season

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