Royal Pudding/Script

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"Royal Pudding/Script"

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Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Ike Broflovski
• Mr. Mackey
• Herbert Garrison
• Anchor
• Another Kindergartner
• Dental Floss
• Dentist
• Hard Candy
• Pianist
• Tooth
• Toothbrush
• Toothpaste
• Harrison Yates
• Officer
• Male Eskimo, Female Eskimo, and Baby
• Narrator
• Leader
• Canadians
• Canadian Prime Minister
• Ugly Bob
• Scott the Dick
• Princess
• Geddy Lee
• Suicidal Canadians
• Tooth Decay

Script

Royal Pudding
	South Park Elementary, day. The kindergartners are practicing their play on oral hygiene. The girl at the piano begins a light tune
Pianist	Welcome, O Welcome to our little play. It's our hope that you all learn something today.
Tooth	I am a tooth, so white and so strong.
Toothbrush	I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast	Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous, but no one joins them on stage, so the music stops.]
Toothbrush	His name is Toothuhkay.
Mr. Mackey	[picks up the mic] Where is Tooth Decay? Tooth Decay that's your cue! [Mr. Mackey is sitting alone in the audience monitoring the rehearsal]
Dental Floss	He's not here.
Mr. Mackey	What do you mean he's not here?
Dental Floss	He's at home watching the royal wedding.
Mr. Mackey	The what??
Hard Candy	He said he had to watch it.
Mr. Mackey	Is this some kind of joke? We are two weeks into tent rehearsals! Who the heck would sit at home watching the royal wedding?!
	The Broflovski living room. Ike is all alone on the sofa watching the wedding.
Narrator	It is a glorious spring morning and literally thousands have gathered for the royal wedding. [a shot of the church is shown. It's quite colorful. ] People are still filing inside the abbey to watch the prince and princess of Canada exchange their vows. What a great day for Canadians everywhere. [a drumming band plays as the guests walk by] The Winnipeg players playing the March Of A Thousand Farts, as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family. [all the drummers fart in unison] All the biggest Canadian celebrities are on hand. There are Sirs Terrance and Phillip, with their wives, the lovely Queef Sisters. [one of them queefs] I believe tha-yes, I believe that one of the sisters just queefed, just now. [two men are shown walking in] There are Canadian recording artists, Sir Bryan Adams and Sir Corey Hart. Everyone is looking smashing today. And- Ah, there he is! The Prince of Canada. [rolling up on his square wheels] What a wonderful day it is for him; what a wonderful day it is for all of us. Inside the abbey now, everyone waiting with anticipation. There's the Queen of Canada, in attendance of course. [a soft fart is heard] I believe she just queefed. The Prince makes his way down the aisle led by the Bishop of Newfoundland. People in attendance now gently tossing Captain Crunch as the Prince passes by. As of course is tradition. [the bishop and prince ascend the altar] Prince takes his place next to the large vat of butterscotch pudding. Oh, and here she comes. Yes, there she is! The aboot to be Princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing, so innocent of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face? She is indeed the living symbol of our great country. My God, she's beautiful.
Ike	[walks up to the TV] Princess, princess. [the bishop leads the princess to the altar to stand next to the prince]
Narrator	Canadian prince now dipping his arms into the pudding. [with a little assistance from the bishop] As is tradition. [the prince offers his forearms to the princess] Princess will of course scrape the pudding off the prince's arms, thus symbolizing their union. What a glorious day for our country and indeed the world. And now of course the- wait a minute. What's this? Oh. Uh oh. Something is going terribly wrong. The abbey is shaking violently as explosions abound. The top- Yes, the top of the abbey is collapsing. The prince and the princess look on in horror. This is not the tradition. This is not tradition at all. A giant hole now blasted into the ceiling, debris falling down and crushing several spectators, which is also not the tradition for a royal Canadian wedding. [a bright tractor beam appears] Bright beam of light shooting through the hole in the ceiling. [a cubic force field appears around the princess and lifts her up] The princess now in some kind of... isometric cube. [the prince is trying to break her free, but has no success at it] This is certainly breaking with tradition now.
Ike	[approaches the TV again] Nooo. NOOO!
Narrator	Canadians in attendance cannot believe their eyes. Widespread panic. [the cube rises along the length of the light beam] The princess being... hoisted away. The little mushroom people of Nova Scotia, screaming with horror. [more large chunks of the ceiling fall] The prince is attempting to grab hold of the cube. The duke and the duchess of Calgary hiding behind the pews. This is indeed a horrible day for all of Canada, and therefore- and the pudding has just been knocked over! Oh, this does not go with tradition at all! The royal pudding now spilling all over the abbey as the princess is lifted up, up... And she's gone. The princess has been taken. This is indeed a horrible day for Canada, and therefore, the rest of the world. [Ike cries like a baby in front of the TV]
	South Park Elementary, next day. The kindergartners are rehearsing again. The stage is set up like the inside of a mouth, with tonsils in the back.
Tooth	I am a tooth, so white and so strong.
Toothbrush	I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast	Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous, but no one joins them on stage, so the music stops.]
Mr. Mackey	[picks up the mic] His name is Toothuhkay! [a few seconds later, Ike, in costume, walks out still crying over the princess's abduction]
Dental Floss	Oh no! It's Tooth Decay.
Tooth	He's gonna get us.
Mr. Mackey	Now, now, Tooth Decay, your character is supposed to be mean and nasty. M'kay. Stop cryin'. [Ike continues wailing] Nono. See, Tooth Decay can't be sad until Toothbrush and Dental Floss have gotten rid of him. You can't just start already sad; there's nowhere to go. Besides, there's no arc. M'kay. Oh for crying out loud! Alright, alright Tooth Decay, you just go home and sort yourself out! The rest of us will rehearse the finale again! And you'd better come back tomorrow with a different attitude, Tooth Decay! M'kay?! [Ike walks off stage, still crying]
	South Park, day. Ike walks through town, alone. He walks by Tele's as a newscast is shown.
Anchor	The tornado was said to be the deadliest in fifty six years. In other news, it's been twenty-four hours now and the Princess of Canada is still missing. All of Canada is in mourning as nationwide suicides abound. [a shot of a small skyscraper. People in it begin jumping out of its windows to their deaths]
Suicide 1	The prinness is gone! AAAAAH!
Suicide 2	AAAAAH!
Suicide 3	AAAAAH!
Suicide 4	AAAAAH!
Suicide 5	AAAAAH!
Suicide 6	AAAAAH!
	a train station
Suicide 7	The prinness is gone! [jumps up into the path of a speeding train and dies, blood splattered everywhere. Somewhere else, a man douses himself in lighter fluid and sets himself on fire]
	A large crowd gathers at night for a vigil
Anchor	A massive candlelight vigil was held last night, led by the Canadian band, Rush.
Geddy Lee	And it seems to me you lived your life like a flower breaking wind. [farts. Members of the crowd begin killing themselves] Never knowing whom to count on... [Alex Lifeson shoots himself in the head. The singer breaks down and cries]
Anchor	the Prince of Canada has said that-... uh-... Uh we have just received breaking news that the Canadian government now knows who took the princess. The Canadian Prime Ministries instructing all people of Canadian descent to go home and... open their box of faith. [softly] Box of faith? What the fuck is that? [Ike understands and runs home. He goes into his room and to his closet. He tosses out as many toys as needed until he finds the box, then pulls it out into the room. He blows the dust off and reads the lid: "Open ONLY if instructed by the Prime Minister of Canada." He messes with the box until it pops open and small projector pops out]
Canadian PM	Hello there, my noble, strong, fellow Canadians. If you are watching this film strip, then no doubt Canada is in grave danger. As you know, the very heart of Canada is the Royal Family. If you have been ordered to open your Box of Faith, then one or more of the Royal Family must be in peril. Or else you just opened your Box of Faith and are watching this without being told to, in which case you are a dick. If you have indeed been instructed to open the box, then this is a call to arms! All Canadians in fighting condition are asked to meet by the tree in Edmonton. In your Box of Faith you will find all the items you need: a location beacon, a first-aid kit, and a sandwich. You may eat the sandwich now. Good luck, Canadian citizen, and God help. All of Canada is relying on you. [the film ends and Ike looks ahead for a few seconds. Moments later, he walks out of his room armed with a helmet, sword and shield. He walks down the hall and down the stairs, past Kyle on the sofa...]
Kyle	[noticing him] Where are you going? [Ike reaches the front door and has trouble getting it open. Kyle catches up] Ike, where are you going?
Ike	[gets the door open] I got to get to Canada and, and join the army, and save the pwincess. [walks out and closes the door. Kyle doesn't stop him]
	South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison is at the blackboard solving some problems. Cartman looks bored as hell.
Mr. Garrison	Dialog
Mr. Mackey	[enters the class angrily] Kyle Broflovski! Do you mind telling me where your brother is?!
Kyle	[looks around] ...I don't know.
Mr. Mackey	How am I supposed to do a play, okay, teaching students about the importance of dental hygiene without Tooth Decay?! We have two more days of tape, and then previews start on Monday! What am I supposed to do, Kyle?! You tell me!
Kyle	Well, cou, couldn't just you know, get rid of the part of Tooth Decay?
Mr. Mackey	[walks to Kyle's desk and gets right in Kyle's face] Getting rid of Tooth Decay is what I'm tryin' to fuckin' do! [Cartman chuckles] He's your brother, Kyle Broflovski! Okay! How are you going to fix this?!
	The Grand Canyon, night. A bus rolls along. Ike is seated near the driver, Ugly Bob is seated three rows back, across the aisle. Bob leans into the aisle after noticing Ike
Ugly Bob	Hey. Hey there. [Ike turns his head to look back at Bob] You going to Canada too? [leaves his seat and moves over to Kyle] What am I saying? Of course you're going to Canada. You're Canadian, sure enough. Open your Box of Faith, did you? Me too. They can't take our princess and get away with it. Mind if I sit down? [moves to the window side of the seat and sits] Soon as I heard the call there was no question I was gonna sign up. Didn't care how far away I was. I was gonna get to that rally point at the tree in Edmonton. Didn't know there were other Canadians living here in the U.S. I'm from Toronto originally, but everywhere I went people were terrified by my disfigurement. I have to wear this bag on my head because I'm hideously ugly. Had to move here to the United States. Here, people don't think I look ugly. They just think I look Canadian. [extends his right hand out to shake Ike's, but Ike just looks at him] The name's Ugly Bob.
Tooth	I am a tooth, so white and so strong.
Toothbrush	I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast	Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous and stops. Kyle steps out in costume.]
Kyle	I am Tooth Decay. Your teeth shall be mine. With candy and treats I will take-
Mr. Mackey	[as Kyle does his line] Hold it, hold it, stop! [Kyle stops] What. The fuck. Was that?
Kyle	I'm just doing the line.
Mr. Mackey	The audience is supposed to feel scared of tooth decay, Kyle! Hukay?! If Tooth Decay has no believability, then Tooth Past and Dental Floss have nothing to play against!
Kyle	Uh I'm trying, Mr. Mackey, I really am.
Mr. Mackey	Oh, you're trying! You call rolling your fat ass out on the stage and lazily blurting out your lines like a turtle takin' a shit, you call that tryin'?! This play is supposed to change [pounds the table with his fist and stands up] how people think, Kyle! Get it fucking right! [slamed the mic on the table and turns away from the stage. Several seconds later he turns back and sits] Pick it up from there!
	And open field. A huge crowd of Canadians awaits its orders
Leader	Brave Canadians! You have answered the call, and now we must face our greatest foe! The princess has been kidnapped, and we believe this to be the work of... the giant!
Ugly Bob	Oh, the giant!
Canadian 1	Oh, the giant, that's not good.
Leader	We are attempting to attract the giant now, with a bowl of Kraft dinner. [a giant bowl of macaroni and cheese on wheels is shown] When the giant arrives we will attack him with our guns, our swords, our- [loud footsteps are felt as the giant approaches]
The Giant	Fee fi fo fum! I smell Kraft dinner.
Canadian 2	It's the giant!
Canadian 3	Skod! [the giant walks up to the bowl and everyone else begins to scatter]
Leader	Give us back the princess, Scott!
Scott	You fart-loving tricksters! I'll take care of all of you!
Leader	You're a dick, Scott! You have always been... a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottowa and now you're a giant dick!
Scott	No! You all kept calling me a dick, and so then that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!
Leader	Just hand over the princess of Canada!
Scott	Why would I take the princess of Canada?
Ike	Because you're a giant dick.
Scott	I'm also the biggest Canadian patriot of all of you! You know that I would never harm the royal family!
Leader	Aw, crap. Sorry everyone. Looks like we had some bad intel. Return to your homes! ["Let's go home. Come on, let's go. I guess we did what we could" Everyone disperses and Ike and Bob are left alone with Scott]
Ugly Bob	Well, at least we tried. I guess the princess is gone for good, eh?
Scott	What is wrong with you people?! It is perfectly obvious who took the princess! I might be a giant, but there is one threat to Canada bigger than me!
Ugly Bob	Who?
Scott	The Native Canadians.
Ugly Bob	The Native Canadians?
	The Arctic. Two Eskimo are spear-fishing through an opening in the ice.
Scott	There. You see that? God-damned Native Canadians! Think they run the world.
Male	Etiach kedni i kia ta po.
Female	Dichila enjunako o achla.
Scott	Fart-loving eskimos! I'm sure they've taken the princess! Just look at them! Loudmouthed self-centered assholes!
Female	Tolato'n jenako o ach.
Male	Ota-a kiednia unshke tia.
Scott	Let's get 'em! Let's fuck them up! [Ike looks at him] What? You're looking at me like I'm some sort of Eskimo racist! Well I'm not! Think about it! Before the noble white man arrived, Canada was populated with these snow monkeys! Who else would be pissed off enough at Canada to kidnap our royalty?! [turns around to find himself and his partners surrounded by the Eskimos] Oh shit!
	South Park Elementary auditorium, back stage. Mr. Mackey has the kindergartners with him
Mr. Mackey	Wokay, in fifteen fucking minutes you all are not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say. That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening and you're all fuckin' around!
Dental Floss	That's because Tooth Decay sucks.
Dentist	Yeah, that's right.
Toothpaste	It's all Tooth Decay's fault.
Another kindergartner	It's him.
Mr. Mackey	Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay! [approaches Dental Floss, gets down on one knee and gets in his face] Let me tell you something, Dental Floss! You're not as good as you fuckin' think you are! You're already acting like you're a star and we haven't even opened yet! OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES, DENTAL FLOSS! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT!
	An Eskimo camp. Scott, Ugly Bob, and Ike have been taken captive by the Indians and are seated by the campfire
Group	Lechambik leeushtula.
Male	[pointing at various pictures on a hide] Ateachine nishifeomeo onchteacobo ahuashbechiah eh...
Group	Aaaaaah!
Ugly Bob	He says that the taking of the princess was foretold.
Male	Iyach danich Iyahachdashey. Etiapo kitte kihine.
Ugly Bob	He says Eskimos do hate us Canadians, but that there's an even bigger thread to Canada who has the princess.
Male	Oteacha hiya. Oteacha chihiyata honhahaha.
Ugly Bob	He said the evil that took her wasn't Canadian at all, but a beast who preys upon people of all nationalities. They can lead us to the best, but we will have to destroy it.
	South Park Elementary auditorium, day. The kindergartners and Kyle are onstage while Mr. Mackey sulks in the seats
Mr. Mackey	I don't know what the Goddamned problem is. Maybe you all don't know serious tooth decay is, maybe you all just don't give a fuck. You all probably think you can live your lives cavity-free, m'kay, never givin' two shits about the plaque that's building on your teeth. Kyle, you have single-handedly destroyed all that which I worked on for the past six years. And so I want you to know, Kyle, once and for all, why this whole "dental hygiene" thing is so important to me. [gets sad and sniffles once in a while] Two years ago, I lost my father to tooth decay. M'kay? He was an intelligent, hard-workin' man, and my whole family watched as tooth decay took him in the blink of an eye! You've been told to brush and to floss, but do you really know the importance behind it?! DO YOU?!
	The Arctic. An eskimo woman with a kid on her back leads the three guests through the ice
Female	[points to something] Dolede'ne junagonehe ha'i aantah.
Scott	This is stupid! I'm tellin' you you're making a mistake, kid!
Ugly Bob	Aw, leave the kid alone, Scott.
Scott	Well what are we doing, following this ice beaner?! We've been walking around for hours!
Female	Junekolak osne kae dedahaes's ethlah?
Baby	Decheheng janon cheha i a.
Ugly Bob	Don't worry. If there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things.
Scott	Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and aske me to pay her! Goddamned polar gooks!
Ike	Stop being a dick, Scott!
Scott	Oh, so now I'm a dick!
Ugly Bob	Wait a minute. [they stop] Look! [in the distance is a castle. A princess inside it screams out]
Princess	AAAAAAH! [leaves the window]
Scott	It's the princess!
Ike	Princess! [they all run to the castle]
	South Park Elementary auditorium, opening night for the previews. The seats are full and the kindergartners present their play
Cast	Your teeth are your friends. They're friends in your mouth. Take care of your friends or they'll rot and fall out.
Dentist	Visit your dentist. He is your friend too. [a very angry Mr. Mackey is in the audience barely containing himself]
Dental Floss	And dental floss also is here to help you.
Kyle	Oh no, dental floss, what will I do?
Mr. Mackey	FLAT! You're FLAT!
	Inside the castle, the five make their way to the princess.
Scott	There!
Princess	[hoisted up in the air. Her arms are tied to the ceiling, her legs to the ground] Please, save me! You have to hurry! It wants to kill me!
Scott	Who took you, Princess?!
Princess	I should have listened! I didn't believe it was real! Oh God! It's behind you! [a giant monster appears behind them, and they turn to see...]
Scott	Of course! The evil atonkatok! The dark lord that takes from ALL nationalities! It's... Tooth Decay!
Tooth Decay	[pounds the ground with his fists] I am Tooth Decay! Your teeth shall be mine!
Princess	I should have always brushed and flossed and avoided sweets!
Scott	Fart-loving tooth decay! I'll fix you! [tries to attack Tooth Decay, but Tooth Decay swats him out of the way. Scott hits a wall and is knocked unconscious by it. The eskimo hits it with her harpoon, but it just pulls the harpoon out and tosses it away]
Female	Bitchen junako. [Tooth Decay sweeps her away and she and her baby smash into another wall, becoming unconscious]
Princess	Save me! Save me!
Ugly Bob	It's coming for me! Help!
Princess	Help! [Ike surveys the situation and then, determined, goes over to Ugly Bob. He climbs Bob's body until he reaches Bob's head]
Ike	Princess, look away! [pulls the paper bag from Ugly Bob's face. Tooth Decay backs up, frightened. The princess shuts her eyes and Tooth Decay takes a step forward, then freezes in place. Ike puts the bag back on Ugly Bob's head]
Scott	[comes to] What the? [gets up and goes to Tooth Decay] You did it, kid!
Female	[comes to] Washia hayub 'an.
Baby	Nejenego ha'i aa dalah. [Ike begins taking down the princess]
Princess	Oh, thank you! Thank you!
	South Park Elementary's auditorium, opening night for the previews. We have reach intermission
Mr. Mackey	[the audience can hear him even though he's backstage] I want you all to take a serious fucking look at yourselves! M'kay?! Act I was pure fucking dogshit! If Tooth Decay is singin' flat, then the whole fuckin' thing sounds flat! Wuhkay?!
Sgt. Yates	[goes backstage] Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey! [Mr. Mackey turns around] We're putting a stop to this play! It's over.
Mr. Mackey	What?! Why?! Don't worry, I will be better! These kids just aren't listenin' to me!
Sgt. Yates	No. it's over! They got him, Mr. Mackey. Tooth Decay. They got the sonofabitch.
Mr. Mackey	[suddenly relieved] What?
Officer	Up in the Yukon. All bureause are confirming it.
Sgt. Yates	You can let it go, Mackey. Tooth Decay is gone.
Mr. Mackey	Oho... Oh God... Go on home, kids. M'kay? It's over!
Toothbrush	[everyone is confused] What?
	The abbey church, day. Bells shaped like scrota peal out as guests arrive in theier square-wheeled limos
Narrator	The princess now giving the Canadian Medal of Courage to Ugly Bob, and also to Scott, who is of course a giant dick, aaand Katuktuk of the Yukon. And the medal of course made of white chocolate, as is tradition. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore, the world. The duke of Calgary standing up and putting on a fake beard, a tradition passed down since the birth of Canada. The princess now knighting Sir Ike Broflovski, giving him three kisses and a pair of socks, as is tradition.
	Kyle's house, night. The four boys are watching the wedding and knighting on TV
Kyle	I mean, come on guys, that's pretty cool, right? My little brother is a knight in Canada. [smiles proudly for a while]
Stan	My sister is a den leader in Girl Scouts.
Cartman	My uncle is the second-in-line to be manager at Gart Brothers.
Kyle	Hmmm, yeah.
Narrator	And now the scraping off of the pudding.
	The abbey church, day. The wedding resumes where it left off at the beginning of the episode
Narrator	And now the scraping off of the pudding. [the princess wipes the pudding from the prince's arms] Isn't she beautiful, scraping off the pudding with the grace of a butterfly. She rubs the pudding on her face. [The prince takes the princess's right arm and starts pulling at it] The prince now attempting to remove one of the princess's arms. As is of course the tradition. The princess screaming with pain. Everyone watching with anticipation. ["crack" blood gushes out from the shoulder socket] And the arm is off! Things are back to normal here in Canada. Time-honored traditions are once again- [the prince lowers his pants] yehhss, the prince is sticking the princess's arm up his ass. There it goes. [the crowd claps] He's really making a good go of it. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore of course, the world.
End of Royal Pudding