Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods/Script

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The official script for "Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
• The Classmates
• Officer Barbrady
• Chef
• Annie Faulk
• Butters Stotch
• Clyde Donovan
• Fosse McDonald
• Veronica Crabtree
• Principal Victoria
• Mr. Mackey
• Nurse Gollum
• The Two Teens
• Dr. Tristan Adams
• Missy
• Simon van Gelder
• Liane Cartman
• Grandma Cartman
• Cheesy Poofs Commercial Hopefuls
• Cheesy Poofs Announcer
• Call-back Judges
• Cheesy Poofs Director
• Det. Barnaby Jones
• Police Commissioner
• A Poor Girl and Her Mom

Script

Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods
	A television is on, near the end of an episode of Barnaby Jones.
Police Commissioner	Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled them again.
Barnaby Jones	[Now quite old.] All in a day's work, I guess. I just hope that next time, I won't have to run so much.
	The end credits roll and the TV is turned off.
	The camera backs up to reveal that the TV is in Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, "This is not a victimless crime"? Anybody?
	The kids just stare at him.
Mr. Garrison	Children, were you paying attention?!
Kyle	Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention.
Mr. Garrison	Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?! Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?! Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?
Stan	Can't we just be like normal third-graders for a little while?
Mr. Garrison	Oh, and what do you consider normal?!
Stan	I don't know, like, learn about art 'n music and go on field trips and stuff.
The Class	Yeah!
Mr. Garrison	Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow!
The Class	Hooray!
Kyle	To where?
Mr. Garrison	To the planetarium.
The Class	AAWWWW!
Cartman	Planetariums suck!
Mr. Garrison	Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?
Stan	It's boring.
Kyle	Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
Mr. Garrison	Well, too bad! You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it! In the meantime, we're going to watch episode #203, Barnaby Under Siege.
The Class	[Softly.] Aawwww.
Mr. Garrison	Oh, sorry, I taped these at home, so there's more commercials.
	A Cheesy Poofs commercial begins to play. A blonde wearing a Cheesy Poofs shirt is shown hiding something off camera.
Announcer	Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?
	She pulls out the box.
The Class	Yes.
Announcer	Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song. Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.
Cartman	I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
Announcer	If you win, you could be picked to be in our next Cheesy Poofs commercial. So remember, I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.
	Cartman is singing along by the end of the first line.
	The next day. Mr. Garrison and the class are headed away from South Park on Ms. Crabtree's bus. The kids are making a lot of noise and running around. Mr. Garrison stands at the front of the bus.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, let's quiet down so the nice bus driver can concentrate on the road.
Ms. Crabtree	THAT AIN'T HOW YOU DO IT! YOU DO IT LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!!
	Mr. Garrison jumps back and the kids hurry to their seats.
Mr. Garrison	[Rubbing the back of his head.] Ow! Jesus, lady!
	Tantalus V. Observatory. Ms. Crabtree hits the brakes so hard the bus bucks and sends kids flying out of their seats.
Ms. Crabtree	THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM, WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSEELF!
Kid	[Voice quivering.] Ow.
	The kids have all exited the bus.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.
Announcer	[Over a loudspeaker nearby.] Does your child have what it takes to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?
	The Cheesy Poofs talent van is in the observatory parking lot. It is a shaped like a rocket on wheels. A sound system with towering speakers is set up next to it.
Cartman	Hey, there it is!
Announcer	We're going around the country to find the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.
Cartman	I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with both hands tied behind my back!
Kyle	You couldn't get both arms behind your back, fatass!
Mr. Garrison	Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium.
Cartman	But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs song for that talent va-a-an!
Mr. Garrison	No, you have to go in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now, come on!
	The rest of the class moves away.
Cartman	[Whining.] But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song on the commercial!
	The class enters the observatory, and some of the students are awed by it all.
A Boy	Wow, don't you...?
A Girl	What is that?
Dr. Adams	Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams. Welcome to the plane'arium.
Kyle	I thought it was "plane-*tarium*."
Dr. Adams	Well, it is. But I have a bone disease which impedes my ability to pronounce the "t" in "plane'arium".
Mr. Garrison	That's a pretty weird bone disease.
Dr. Adams	Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow transplant.
	Cartman has his hand up.
Dr. Adams	Yes, little boy?
Cartman	How long is that Cheesy Poofs van gonna be outside?
Dr. Adams	Well I don't know. But anyway, boys and girls, soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe. But first, I wanna show you how the plane'arium works.
Cartman	As if we care.
	Kyle notices a young brunette with a clipboard walking in.
Kyle	Hey, who are you?
Dr. Adams	Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big projector for us.
Missy	I love my work.
Stan	Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us; shouldn't you be in school?
Missy	I love my work.
	Her eyes are glazed over. Stan and Kyle notice this and look at each other.
Dr. Adams	Come on. Let's get into the plane'arium, shall we?
	In the planetarium proper. The class sits in a small theater and Dr. Adams is in a small room behind the class. Another kid works some controls on a machine on the theater floor.
Dr. Adams	Good morning, children, and welcome to the plane'arium. We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe, so I want you to lean back in your chairs and get comfortable.
	All the seats lean back on their own, so they have no choice.
Stan	This is stupid.
Dr. Adams	And now I'm going to dim the lights and let the stars... eh-come out.
	The dome darkens and some faint stars appear.
Kyle	[Not amused.] Whoopie.
Dr. Adams	Here we see the constellation called, "The Big Dipper". If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...[Very softly.] a-hah [The drawing appears, connecting the stars.] ...we see where this constellation gets its name. These stars over here form the constellation of Taurus, the Bull...
	The drawing of a bull appears.
Dr. Adams	...while these stars form the constellation, "Roger Ebert".
	An outline of Roger Ebert's face appears with a thumbs down.
Dr. Adams	And these two little stars over here form the constellation The Crusades.
	From the two stars comes an elaborate drawing of crusaders storming the city of Jerusalem. Stan looks over at the kid on the floor and notices the same glazed-eye look Missy has.
Dr. Adams	Now, stars are actually made of hot gas, which is exactly what comes out of...
Cartman	Aw man, screw this.
	Cartman gets up and leaves the room. Dr. Adams turns an "Intensity" dial to 9.
Dr. Adams	And now breathe deep as the stars sloowwly start to move in little circles.
	The kids are getting mesmerized by them.
Dr. Adams	I know you think plane'ariums are boring, but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.
	Meanwhile, outside, tryouts are underway. Cartman stands behind a boy currently singing for the talent van.
Boy	...you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.
Announcer	That was great, Tommy. Tommy Fritz from Torrey Pines! He could be our winner.
Cartman	Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass!
Announcer	Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
Cartman	Eric Cartman.
Announcer	Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving it a shot.
	The cameraman starts filming, Cartman shoves Tommy aside, who falls down.
Tommy	Aaah!
Cartman	[Clears his throat and affects a tenor] I love Cheesy Poofs you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs we'd be lame. I'm talkin' Night-Court-in-it's-fifth-season lame-aaaahh!
Announcer	[Slapping his palm to his head] Wow!
Cartman	Thaat's right, suck on that.
	The planetarium doors open and the class exits.
Mr. Garrison	Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
Kyle	Oh, man, I don't feel so good.
Stan	Me neither, but... I loved the planetarium.
Kyle	Me too. It was sweet.
Mr. Garrison	Really? What did you like best about it?
Stan	I don't know. I don't even remember what happened.
Mr. Garrison	[Tallying.] Wait a minute. Where is Eric?
Cartman	[Happily popping by.] I did it! I did it!
Kyle	Did what?
Cartman	I got a call-back for the Cheesy Poofs song!
Mr. Garrison	You snuck off and sang that stupid song?!
Cartman	Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!
Dr. Adams	[Now at the door.] Goodbye, children. Thanks for visiting. Don't forget: we have Laser Rock shows at night here at the plane-'arium. This week it's Laser Kenny Loggins and Laser James Taylor.
	The class is on the bus going back to school.
Kyle	My head still feels funny.
Stan	Yeah, mine too.
Cartman	Hey you guys, when I'm done with that- Cheesy Poofs commercial, I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
Kyle	Like you really need it, hippo-ass!
Cartman	[With some pity.] It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle. It really is.
	A boy pops out from the seat behind Cartman in front of Stan and Kyle.
Boy	Waaaah!
Stan, Kyle	AAAAAH!
Kyle	Whoa, dude! Who the hell are you?!
Boy	[Haltingly.] My... name... is... vvan... G-gelder.
Stan	Van Gelder?? What the hell are you doing on our bus?! Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid from the planetarium on our bus!
Mr. Garrison	Oh, great! Well I guess we have to go back!
Van Gelder	[In a state of panic.] Nnno! Nn-don't go back! Nnno!
Cartman	Hey, be careful, asshole!
Van Gelder	Eegh! Don't take me back there!
	He drops down, then comes back up.
Van Gelder	I can't... can't...
Stan	Alright, dude. Mellow out, jeez!
Van Gelder	Aaaagghh.
	Van Gelder passes out and falls to the floor.
Mr. Garrison	[Quickly at his side.] We've better get him to the nurse's office, stat!
	The nurse's office. Van Gelder has been strapped down. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are present.
Van Gelder	[Very agitated.] Aagh! The planetarium! Haah!
Nurse Gollum	I'll give him a pain killer. That should calm him down.
Van Gelder	Nno! Nnno pain killer! I'll be okay!
Mr. Mackey	Okay uh van Gelder-
Van Gelder	Nnnaaaah!
Mr. Mackey	-okay uh I'm Counselor Mackey. Have you been smokin' marijawana? Marijawana's bad, mkay?
Van Gelder	Eh must... tell... the machine. The machine is... e-e-e-ghe gheh-
	Van Gelder collapses.
Mr. Mackey	Well, I've never seen anything like this. What do you think, principal?
Principal Victoria	Well, whatever happened to him happened at the planetarium.
Van Gelder	Haah! Planetarium!
Principal Victoria	I think tonight the planetarium is doing Laser Loggins. I might have to check it out.
Van Gelder	Nnaaah!
	Later that night, at the planetarium, Laser Loggins is underway. "Footloose" plays and Laser displays of feet dance around the ceiling.
Principal Victoria	Oh, man, this is boring!
Man	Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?
	The camera pans to two teen boys, who look like stoners, sitting in the next section by themselves.
Teen 1	Dude, this is totally killer.
Teen 2	I hope this goes on for like, seven months, man.
	In the booth, Dr. Adams goes to his controls and turns the intensity dial to 8.5, "Footloose" fades, and the lasers close into a narrow beam.
Dr. Adams	You will not remember what happened here. To remember it will cause incredible pain.
	He turns the dial to 9.
Dr. Adams	Incredible pain!
	He turns the dial even further.
Dr. Adams	Incredible icky paaiin!
Teen 1	Dude, I'm totally tripping.
Teen 2	This is totally killer.
	South Park Elementary, the next day. The school bell rings.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, today we're going to learn all about Japanese poems called haiku. A haiku is just like a normal American poem, except that it doesn't rhyme, and it's totally stupid. For example- Uh, where is Eric Cartman?
Stan	That's a haiku?
Mr. Garrison	No, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't at school.
Stan	Oh.
Mr. Garrison	Was he on the school bus this morning?
Stan	No.
Kyle	[counting off the syllables] Fatass Cartman was not on the school bus today. What a big, fat turd.
Mr. Garrison	Hoh, very good haiku, Kyle. Yes- haikus have five syllables, then seven, then five. Kenny, can you give us another example?
Kenny	(When you rub your dick, you might find a discharge that winds up on the floor.)
	The class roars with laughter.
Stan	Yeah. What's a discharge?
Kyle	Mr. Garrison, since haiku sucks so much ass, could we go to the planetarium again?
Stan	Yeah, I wanna go to the planetarium again, too.
Mr. Garrison	But you were just there! Why do you wanna go again so soon?
Stan	[Stumped, then to Kyle.] Yeah, why do we wanna go again so soon?
Kyle	I dunno. I just have this sudden urge to go back.
Mr. Garrison	Well, I guess we could go again, since it's just down the street.
	Cartman enters the classroom, a rolled up paper in his hand, full of himself.
Cartman	Well, hello, it's all my little friends with all their little dreams.
Mr. Garrison	Eric, where have you been?
Cartman	Let's see, where have I been, where have I been?
Stan	Where have you been, Cartman?
Cartman	Wweell, I might have been over at the Cheesy Poofs call-back, winning regional championship!
	He unfurls the paper.
The Class	Whoa!
	The paper reads, "Cheesy Poof Anthem Regional Champion"
Cartman	This is my regional championship certificate! Do you like it? [Now taunting.] Hey, where is your regional championship 'tificate, Clyde? Oh, you don't have one?
	Clyde looks crestfallen.
Cartman	Hmmm. Do you have a regional certificate, Wendy? Nno?
	Wendy scrunches her face.
Cartman	Apparently, only I do.
Kyle	Ass full of pork fat jiggles like a Jello mold. Mouth is flapping, too.
Cartman	Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle. I'm regional champion.
Stan	Does that mean you're gonna be on that Cheesy Poofs commercial?
Cartman	It's between me and four other kids. I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
Kyle	I bet you don't win. They don't let big fat asses perform on TV.
Mr. Garrison	Very good, Kyle.
Cartman	Shut your God-damned mouth or else I'm... gonna... kick you square in the balls... ass-hole Aw, damn it!
	Over in Nurse Gollum's office, Van Gelder is still strapped down. Mr. Mackey stops by.
Mr. Mackey	Um. How's he doing, nurse?
Nurse Gollum	He's stable, but I still can't get any information out of him. I'm gonna sedate him now.
Van Gelder	Nno! No drugs.
Mr. Mackey	Drugs are good, mkay?
Van Gelder	Nno! Don't let them g-go... planetarium!
Nurse Gollum	But why, van Gelder?
Van Gelder	The machine. The machine is aaaah.
	He stiffens, then collapses.
Mr. Mackey	The machine is aaaah? Uh that's probably bad.
Nurse Gollum	He's been talking about "the machine" for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes.
Van Gelder	Wha- why in America's Funniest Home Videos? Why?
Mr. Mackey	Uh, there's only one way to get any sense out of him. We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mkay?
Nurse Gollum	A what?
Mr. Mackey	Well, it's an ancient technique handed down from school counselor to school counselor. I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.
Nurse Gollum	Well, what will you need?
Mr. Mackey	Just time to prepare, nurse. Just time. [Oh, the tension!] Mkay?
	Tantalus V. Obsevatory. The class is back.
Dr. Adams	Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.
Mr. Garrison	They just begged to come back; I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
Dr. Adams	Well, I'm sure we're going to have a marvelous time. Won't we, children?
The Class	Yes.
	The two stoner teens appear, now dressed as employees and with their eyes glazed over.
Teen 1	This way, please.
Teen 2	Enjoy your visit.
	Stan and Kyle look at each other. Moments later, the class is in the theater, looking at the laser show.
Dr. Adams	Billions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe. Here you see Polaris, the dog star.
	Mr. Garrison gets up and walks by Dr. Adams in the control booth.
Mr. Garrison	I'm just gonna step outside and go weewee.
Dr. Adams	Certainly, Mr. Garrison.
	Dr. Adams watches him leave, then quickly turns intensity dial up to 9. The stars brighten and dance rapidly.
Dr. Adams	You love the planetarium! To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain! All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive! To not do so makes your stomach ache with needlelike stab-
	He quickly turns down the intensity upon seeing Mr. Garrison enter the theater. He gestures at his next item.
Dr. Adams	...and right over here we see the constellation Orion.
	Mr. Garrison gives him a thumbs up and Dr. Adams waves at him weakly.
Dr. Adams	Orion's belt is made up of three stars, one of which is actually a pulsar...
Stan	Dude, what just happened?
Kyle	What do you mean?
Stan	Come on, we've gotta get out of here before something bad happens.
	Cheesy Poofs Call Backs Today! Cartman and his mom wait with the other finalists and their parents on sofas in the front office. Cartman is picking at his nose.
Liane	Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman	I wasn't picking it-I had an itch, for cryin' out loud!
Liane	Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
Cartman	I don't know. There's a lot of competition here.
Poor Girl	Do you think I might win, Mommy?
Poor Mom	I hope so, honey. Then perhaps we can eat for a little while.
	Cartman thinks for a second then gets up on the sofa and points out the window.
Cartman	Hey, look! They're giving away bread outside!
Poor Girl	[Gasps.] Did you hear that, Mommy?
Poor Mom	Come on! Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!
	They rush outside. Cartman follows them to the door and closes it behind them.
Cartman	Sike!
	Back at the planetarium, Stan and Kyle are standing outside, the doors open and the rest of the class straggles out.
Mr. Garrison	[Noticing them.] What the hell are you boys doing? You're supposed to be in there.
Stan	Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is-
Kyle	Sshh!
	Dr. Adams appears at the door.
Dr. Adams	Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming.
Clyde	[Insistently.] I wanna go again. I wanna go again!
Mr. Garrison	Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde. You just went!
Dr. Adams	Well, Clyde, if you like the plane'arium so much, perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.
Clyde	Yes. Yes, please!
Butters	Me too!
Annie	Me too! I wanna do it! I'd love to work here.
A Girl	I'd like to tape the show!
Wendy	Yeah, me too! Me too!
Fosse	Yeah, me tohohoo. Plahanehetaharium's gahahay!
	The rest of the class chimes in.
Dr. Adams	Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison	Well, I guess I could give them extra credit for it.
Dr. Adams	Excellent! Why don't we step over here and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.
The Class	Hooray!
	All the kids but Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow Dr. Adams.
Stan	Dude, this isn't right.
Kyle	Why?
Stan	We're kids, dude. We don't volunteer for anything.
Kyle	Oh, yeah.
Stan	Come on, we've gotta see what's going on in there.
	Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go back inside and enter the control booth.
Kyle	Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
Stan	Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.
	Kenny leaves the booth and goes and sits in a seat.
Kenny	(Okay. Got to have some huggin'.)
Stan	He hits this switch-
	Stan moves the intensity dial to 1 and the power comes on. The lights go down.
Kenny	(I don't see anything.)
Kyle	You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.
Stan	Yeah, I guess so.
	Stan moves the intensity to 4. The stars start to revolve.
Kenny	(Whoa, dude.)
Kyle	What does that do?
Stan	I don't know.
	Stan moves intensity to 7.5, Kenny shakes audibly.
Kyle	Kenny! What's it doing?
	Kenny can't answer. He just shakes more and more violently.
Stan	This says "maximum."
	Stan moves Intensity to 10. Kenny shakes more violently, and finally explodes. Stan and Kyle look.
Stan	Oh my God, we've killed Kenny!
Kyle	We're bastards!
	Stan turns off the power and races with Kyle to Kenny's remains.
Stan	Dude, I told you something was up with this place!
	Rats start to work on the corpse.
Kyle	We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
	Back at the casting office, the finalists are showing their best.
Boy	(clap clap clap) -G-O (clap clap ---) -G-O and Bingo was his name-o Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o (clap clap clap-clap) O (clap clap clap-clap clap) O (clap clap clap-clap clap) O and Bingo was his name-o Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o (clap) ING (clap) ING (clap) and Bingo was his name-o
	He finishes with a flourish and a bow.
Center Judge	[Applauds.] Thank you... uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.
	Peter leaves the room.
Center Judge	Next will be uuh, Eric Theodore Cartman.
	Liane enters with Cartman and a boom box.
Liane	Hello, everybody. [To Cartman.] Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.
Cartman	I know, I know!
	Liane goes to a sofa and plays a tape while Cartman goes before the judges and clears his throat.
Cartman	She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right.
	He rips off his jacket and reveals a sky blue sequined vest and bowtie - and his belly button. The judges are surprised.
Cartman	She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right.
	He moonwalks, then faces the judges again. End of performance.
Center Judge	[Long pause.] Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.
Cartman	Thank you.
Center Judge	We'll let you know.
Liane	Thank you.
	She and Cartman reach the door. Cartman is covering his nose.
Liane	Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman	I'm not pickin' it ma! God damn it, I have an itch!
	They leave and close the door behind them.
Center Judge	Jesus, where do we find these people?!
	South Park Elementary. In the nurse's office, Mr. Mackey is mind-melding with Van Gelder.
Mr. Mackey	Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts are one. Mkay?
Nurse Gollum	This is the strangest thing I've ever seen!
Mr. Mackey	Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head, you're not being very open-minded.
	He goes back to concentrating.
Mr. Mackey	Open your mind to your counselor. Open your mind.
Van Gelder	[Responding to the mind-meld.] Dr. Adams.
Mr. Mackey	Yes.
Nurse Gollum	He owns the planetarium. What about him?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously	He uses the machine. The star machine.
Mr. Mackey	Mkay?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously	He uses it to erase minds.
Nurse Gollum	But why?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously	Planetarium, about to go out of business. Adams had to create slaves to survive.
Nurse Gollum	My God! This is amazing!
Mr. Mackey	Abuh. Please, nurse, you're throwin' off my chi! Mkay?
	Casting Office. The results are in.
Center Judge	Well, we'd certainly like to thank all our finalists. Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize and... unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.
Cartman	[Triumphantly.] Yes! I'm the best!
Center Judge	You were actually our last choice. Uh the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.
Blonde Judge	That's odd.
Cartman	[Joyfully.] Sweeet!
	News 4 Special Report.
Tom	It appears that more and more South Park residents are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium. Here with a special report is a 34-year old Asian man who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.
Asian Reporter	Thanks, Tom. Yes, indeed, the planetarium has become very popular as word spreads that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected. I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
Dr. Adams	Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation to all South Park residents to come see a special free show this evening. I guarantee, it will change the way you think about the plane'ah-arium.
Asian Reporter	So, bring the whole family to the plane-*tarium* for a night of excitement and wonder.
	South Park Police Department. Stan and Kyle are inside talking to Officer Barbrady.
Stan	...and then we turned the dial, and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.
Officer Barbrady	That's a pretty far-fetched story, boys.
Kyle	But it's true, dude!
Officer Barbrady	Are you boys sure you're not just making this all up?
Stan	Yeah, pretty sure.
!Officer Barbrady	Well, just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
Stan	What other crime in South Park?
Officer Barbrady	Oh, yeah. Let's go.
	Time for Cartman's big debut.
Director	Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?
Cartman	I'm over here.
	Cartman is dressed as a Cheesy Poof.
Liane	Oohh, you look great, hon. Mommy's fat little piggy.
Cartman	Aay!
	A stagehand escorts Cartman to the Cheesy Poof backdrop before the camera.
Cartman	Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
Director	Okay, roll camera, aaand action.
Cartman	I love Cheesy Poofs, you-
Liane	Oh wait, wait.
	She runs in with a handkerchief.
Liane	You've got a little eye booger, hon.
Cartman	Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake!
	She wipes it off.
Liane	Got it.
	She moves off the stage.
Director	Aaand action.
Cartman	I love Cheesy Poofs-
Director	Hold it! Cut! Could we get some more light on that backdrop?
Stagehand	Sure thing.
	He adjusts the lighting.
Cartman	Oh, man, c'mon!
Stagehand	Got it.
Director	Okay. Here we go, aaand action.
Cartman	I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Chee-
Director	Cut!
Cartman	What?!
Director	I'm not liking the shoes. Could we change the shoes?
Cartman	Oh, God damnit!
	Officer Barbrady, Stan, and Kyle show up at the planetarium. Officer Barbrady knocks and the door opens.
Dr. Adams	Oh. Hello, officer of the law.
Officer Barbrady	Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.
Dr. Adams	What brings you out here?
Officer Barbrady	Well, these boys seem to think you're some kind of sick weirdo that's got a master plan to screw with the minds of everyone in town.
	Officer Barbrady starts laughing.
Dr. Adams	Oh, really?
	Dr. Adams leans forward menacingly. The boys huddle close to Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady	Yeah. I just thought I'd come show them around so they'd know there's nothing to be scared of.
	Officer Barbrady advances, but Dr. Adams blocks the door.
Dr. Adams	Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.
Officer Barbrady	Okay, I'll be quick, then.
Dr. Adams	Of course, officer. Come on in.
	Officer Barbrady and the boys enter. What they see inside is something else. Kids, Bebe among them, are sweeping and cleaning the exhibits. Chef is helping out, too. All of them are wearing gray planetarium suits.
Chef	[In a low monotone.] Hello, children.
Stan	Oh, no! They got Chef, too!
Chef	Welcome to the planetarium.
Officer Barbrady	Well, it's nice to see you finally got a real job, Chef.
Chef	[Slowly, mechanically.] I love my work.
Officer Barbrady	Oh I know what you mean. I've always loved the planetarium, too.
Dr. Adams	Would you like to see the stars, officer?
Stan, Kyle	No!
Officer Barbrady	That would be super-duper!
	He walks into the theater with Dr. Adams.
Kyle	Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!
	Cartman's house. He's calling everyone he knows...
Elderly Woman	[On the phone.] Hello?
Cartman	Hi, Grandma. It's me, Eric.
Grandma	Oh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed you.
Cartman	I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be on television tonight, so be sure to watch.
Grandma	Oh, I will, Eric. You know, I remember when I was a little girl and had my first talent show audition for-
Cartman	Okay, bye.
	He dials the next number.
The Marshes' Answering Machine	Hello? The-uh Marshes aren't in right now. Please leave a message.
Cartman	Stan? I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be sure to watch.
	He dials another number.
The Broflovskis' Answering Machine	Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis. Please, leave a message.
Cartman	Where the hell is everybody?! I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!
	Back at the planetarium...
Dr. Adams	And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.
Officer Barbrady	Oh, neato!
Dr. Adams	[Turning intensity up to 8.5] And now, officer, from this moment on, you will think that you are Elvis Presley.
Officer Barbrady	Who?
Dr. Adams	To not be Elvis will cause you great pain.
Officer Barbrady	Pain.
Dr. Adams	You see, children? There's no stopping me. Even your highly intelligent policemen are no match for me.
Kyle	He's not highly intelligent.
Stan	Why are you doing this, dude?
Dr. Adams	Why? Because nowadays kids have computers, surround-sound television. They've forgotten all about plane'ariums. But I'll make them remember, starting with the two of you!
	Cartman's house. He's watching the TV for his commercial.
Voice-over	Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these announcements.
Cartman	Oh, dude, here it comes!
Cheesy Poofs Commercial	Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up. So remember, [A dancing Cheesy Poofs box appears.] I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs [The box opens and Cheesy Poof pour out.] If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be- [The Cheesy Poofs rain down on a pile of Cheesy Poof in which children swim.]
Cheesy Poof Cartman	Lame.
Voice-over	And now back to Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman	Yes! Yes, that was me! I was on television!
	Mr. Mackey and Nurse Gollum burst through the planetarium doors. Mr. Mackey is pissed. Facing them are Dr. Adams, Officer Barbrady, Stan, Kyle, and the two stoner teens.
Mr. Mackey	Aha! Caught you red-handed! Mkay!
Stan	Mr. Mackey!
Mr. Mackey	Officer Barbrady, uh, this man is using some kind of mind control.
Officer Barbrad	[Doing a twisted Elvis Presley.] Wuzzariah? Ulduhooyah? Guh. Ahoohooyuh?
Nurse Gollum	What's wrong with him?
Officer Barbrady	Ah-yeah, babe, yeah, babe uhyeah hwah yeah hwah wayah ahowowowowayah.
Mr. Mackey	Oh no, apparently, he thinks he's Charlton Heston.
Dr. Adams	No, you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis. [To Barbrady.] Elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium.
Officer Barbrady	[Snapping into a sharp Elvis.] Holdjit
	He pulls out his gun and shoves it into Mackey's nose.
Officer Barbrady	If you wouldn't mind, uugh. Could you please follow me?
Mr. Mackey	Uh oh.
Officer Barbrady	[Voice skipping up the scales.] Odle-oh who whoo?
	The planetarium, that night. Nurse Gollum, Mr. Mackey, Stan, and Kyle are strapped into their seats in the theater.
Dr Adams	Well, let's begin, shall we?
	He starts up the laser show controls.
Dr. Adams	And now you'll remember nothing, except that the planet'arium is the best thing you've ever known!
	Cartman enters, oblivious to the star machine.
Cartman	Well, well well! You guys can now kiss my ass, because I was on television!
	The other four are entranced now.
Cartman	Ey! Didn't you guys see it?! I was on television!
	He sees that the others aren't responding.
Cartman	You missed it! You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!
	He walks up to the star machine and kicks it. It falls down and breaks into pieces.
Cartman	Planetariums suck ass!
	The star machine's beams come at Dr. Adams at full force and go right into his eyes.
Dr. Adams	Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.
Kyle	[Coming out of the trance.] Cartman! You saved us!
	The others come out of it too.
Cartman	What the hell are you talking about?
Stan	Get over here and untie us!
	Cartman rushes over and starts untying them, Mr. Mackey first.
Mr. Mackey	Eric, you really saved the day. Mkay?
Officer Barbrady	[Rushing in.] Not so fast there, tubby. Uh I'm just takin' care of business.
	Cartman stops.
Mr. Mackey	Think hard, Elvis. You're not really the king of rock and roll. You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town. Mkay?
Officer Barbrady	[Snapping out of it.] Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor.
	Stan notices the destruction of the star machine, and the fate of Dr. Adams.
Stan	Oh my God! Dr. Adams!
	Everyone rushes to the control room window to see what's happened. Dr. Adams is seated inside against a wall, slumped on his right side.
Kyle	He got a full dose of the stars.
Stan	Yeah. With nobody around to say anything.
Kyle	Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied by that... thing.
Cartman	Wow. What a day this has been. I was on TV, and, I'm a hero.
	Cartman scratches his nose.
Liane	[Looking in.] Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman	God damnit, Mom, I wasn't pickin' it! I have an itch!
	End of Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods. The Cheesy Poofs anthem plays.
End of Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods