Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods/Script

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The official script for "Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
• The Classmates
• Officer Barbrady
• Chef
• Annie Faulk
• Butters Stotch
• Clyde Donovan
• Fosse McDonald
• Veronica Crabtree
• Principal Victoria
• Mr. Mackey
• Nurse Gollum
• The Two Teens
• Dr. Tristan Adams
• Missy
• Simon van Gelder
• Liane Cartman
• Grandma Cartman
• Cheesy Poofs Commercial Hopefuls
• Cheesy Poofs Announcer
• Call-back Judges
• Cheesy Poofs Director
• Det. Barnaby Jones
• Police Commissioner
• A Poor Girl and Her Mom

Script

	[A television is on, and the end of an episode of Barnaby Jones is near]
Police Commissioner:	Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled them again.
Barnaby Jones:	[now quite old] All in a day's work, I guess. I just hope that next time, I won't have to run so much. [the end credits roll and the TV is turned off]
	[The camera backs up to reveal that the TV is in Mr. Garrison's classroom, and that class is in session]
Mr. Garrison:	Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, "This is not a victimless crime"? Anybody? [the class just looks at him] Children, were you paying attention?!
Kyle:	Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention.
Mr. Garrison:	Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?! Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?! Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?
Stan:	Can't we just be like normal third-graders for a little while?
Mr. Garrison:	Oh, and what do you consider normal?!
Stan:	I don't know, like, learn about art 'n music and go on field trips and stuff.
The Class:	Yeah!
Mr. Garrison:	Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow!
The Class:	Hooray!
Kyle:	To where?
Mr. Garrison:	To the planetarium.
The Class:	AAWWWW!
Cartman:	Planetariums suck!
Mr. Garrison:	Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?
Stan:	It's boring.
Kyle:	Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
Mr. Garrison:	Well, too bad! You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it! In the meantime, we're going to watch episode #203, Barnaby Under Siege.
The Class:	[softly] Aawwww.
Mr. Garrison:	Oh, sorry, I taped these at home, so there's more commercials. [A Cheesy Poofs commercial begins to play]
Announcer:	[a blond wearing a Cheesy Poofs shirt and hiding something] Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs? [pulls out the box]
The Class:	Yes.
Announcer:	Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song. Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.
Cartman:	I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
Announcer:	If you win, you could be picked to be in our next Cheesy Poofs commercial. So remember, I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame [Cartman is singing along by the end of the first line]
	[The next day. Mr. Garrison and the class are headed away from South Park on Ms. Crabtree's bus. The kids are making a lot of noise and running around]
Mr. Garrison:	[standing at the front of the bus] Okay, children, let's quiet down so the nice bus driver can concentrate on the road.
Ms. Crabtree:	THAT AIN'T HOW YOY DO IT! YOU DO IT LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!! [Mr. Garrison jumps back and the kids hurry to their seats]
Mr. Garrison:	[rubbing the back of his head] Ow! Jesus, lady!
	[Tantalus V. Observatory. Ms. Crabtree hits the brakes so hard the bus bucks and sends kids flying out of their seats]
Ms. Crabtree:	THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM, WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSEELF!
Kid:	[voice quivering] Ow.
Mr. Garrison:	[the class is off the bas now] Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.
Announcer:	[on a microphone] Does your child have what it takes to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer? [the talent van is in the observatory parking lot. It is a rocket on wheels. A sound system with towering speakers is set up next to it]
Cartman:	Hey, there it is!
Announcer:	We're going around the country to find the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.
Cartman:	I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with both hands tied behnd my back!
Kyle:	You couldn't get both arms behind your back, fatass!
Mr. Garrison:	Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium.
Cartman:	But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs song for that talent va-a-an!
Mr. Garrison:	No, you have to go in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now, come on! [the rest of the class moves away]
Cartman:	[whining] But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song on the commercial!
	[The class enters the observatory, and some of the students are awed by it all]
A Boy:	Wow, don't you...?
A Girl:	What is that?
Dr. Adams:	Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams. Welcome to the plane'arium.
Kyle:	I thought it was "plane-tarium."
Dr. Adams:	Well, it is. But I have a bone disease which impedes my ability to pronounce the "t" in "plane'arium"
Mr. Garrison:	That's a pretty weird bone disease.
Dr. Adams:	Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow transplant. [Cartman has his hand up] Yes, little boy?
Cartman:	How long is that Chessy Poofs van gonna be outside?
Dr. Adams:	Well I don't know. But anyway, boys and girls, soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe. But first, I wanna show you how the plane'arium works.
Cartman:	As if we care.
Kyle:	[a little brunette with a clipboard walks in] Hey, who are you?
Dr. Adams:	Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big projector for us.
Missy:	I love my work.
Stan:	Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us; shouldn't you be in school?
Missy:	I love my work. [her eyes are glazed over. Stan and Kyle notice this and look at each other]
Dr. Adams:	Come on. Let's get into the plane'arium, shall we?
	[in the planetarium proper. The class sits in a small theater and Dr. Adams is in a small room behind the class. Another kid works some controls on a machine on the theater floor.]
Dr. Adams:	Good morning, children, and welcome to the plane'arium. We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe, so I want you to lean back in your chairs and get comfortable. [the seats lean back on their own, so they have no choice]
Stan:	This is stupid.
Dr. Adams:	And now I'm going to dim the lights and let the stars... ehcome out. [the dome darkens and some faint stars appear]
Kyle:	[not amused] Whoopie.
Dr. Adams:	Here we see the constellation called, "The Big Dipper". If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it, [very softly] a-hah [the drawing appears, connecting the stars], we see where this constellation gets its name. These stars over here form the constellation of Taurus, the Bull [its drawing appears], while these stars form the constellation, "Roger Ebert" [an outline of his face and his thumb pointing down]. And these two little stars over here form the constellation The Crusades [an elaborate drawing of crusaders storming the city of Jerusalem. Stan looks over at the kid on the floor and notices the same glazed look Missy has]. Now, stars are actually made of hot gas, which is exactly what comes out of...
Cartman:	Aw man, screw this. [gets up and out of the room]
Dr. Adams:	[turns Intensity up to 9] And now breathe deep as the stars sloowwly start to move in little circles. [the kids are getting mesmerized by them] I know you think plane'ariums are boring, but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.
	[Outside, tryouts are underway. Cartman stands behind a boy currently singing for the talent van]
Boy:	...you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame
Announcer:	That was great, Tommy. Tommy Fritz from Torrey Pines! He could be our winner.
Cartman:	Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass!
Announcer:	Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
Cartman:	Eric Cartman.
Announcer:	Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving it a shot. [starts filming. Cartman shoves Tommy aside]
Tommy:	Aaah! [falls down]
Cartman:	[clears his throat and affects a tenor] I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame. I'm talkin' Night-Court-in-it's-fifth-season lame-aaaahh!
Announcer:	[slapping palm to head] Wow!
Cartman:	Thaat's right, suck on that. [the planetarium doors open and the class exits]
Mr. Garrison:	Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
Kyle:	Oh, man, I don't feel so good.
Stan:	Me neither, but... I loved the planetarium.
Kyle:	Me too. It was sweet.
Mr. Garrison:	Really? What did you like best about it?
Stan:	I don't know. I don't even remember what happened.
Mr. Garrison:	[tallying] Wait a minute. Where is Eric?
Cartman:	[happily popping by] I did it! I did it!
Kyle:	Did what?
Cartman:	I got a call-back for the Cheesy Poofs song!
Mr. Garrison:	You snuck off and sang that stupid song?!
Cartman:	Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!
Dr. Adams:	[now at the door] Goodbye, children. Thanks for visiting. Don't forget: we have Laser Rock shows at night here at the plane-'arium. This week it's Laser Kenny Loggins and Laser James Taylor.
	[The class is on the bus going back to school]
Kyle:	My head still feels funny.
Stan:	Yeah, mine too.
Cartman:	Hey you guys, when I'm done with that- Cheesy Poofs commercial, I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
Kyle:	Like you really need it, hippo-ass!
Cartman:	[with some pity] It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle. It really is.
Boy:	[popping out from the seat behind Cartman and in front of Stan and Kyle] Waaaah!
Stan, Kyle:	AAAAAH!
Kyle:	Whoa, dude! Who the hell are you?!
Boy:	[haltingly] My... name... is... vvan... G-gelder.
Stan:	Van Gelder?? What the hell are you doing on our bus?! Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid from the planetarium on our bus!
Mr. Garrison:	Oh, great! Well I guess we have to go back!
Van Gelder:	[in a state of panic] Nnno! Nn-don't go back! Nnno!
Cartman:	Hey, be careful, asshole!
Van Gelder:	Eegh! Don't take me back there! [drops down, the comes up] I can't... can't...
Stan:	Alright, dude. Mellow out, jeez!
Van Gelder:	Aaaagghh. [passes out and falls to the floor]
Mr. Garrison:	[quickly at his side] We've better get him to the nurse's office, stat!
	[The nurse's office. Van Gelder has been strapped down. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are present]
Van Gelder:	[very agitated] Aagh! The planetarium! Haah!
Nurse Gollum:	I'll give him a pain killer. That should calm him down.
Van Gelder:	Nno! Nnno pain killer! I'll be okay!
Mr. Mackey:	Okay uh van Gelder-
Van Gelder:	Nnnaaaah!
Mr. Mackey:	-okay uh I'm Counselor Mackey. Have you been smokin' marijawana? Marijawana's bad, mkay?
Van Gelder:	Eh must... tell... the machine. The machine is... e-e-e-ghe gheh- [collapses]
Mr. Mackey:	Well, I've never seen anything like this. What do you think, principal?
Principal Victoria:	Well, whatever happened to him happened at the planetarium.
Van Gelder:	Haah! Planetarium!
Principal Victoria:	I think tonight the planetarium is doing Laser Loggins. I might have to check it out.
Van Gelder:	Nnaaah!
	[At the planetarium later that night, Laser Loggins is underway. "Footloose" plays and Laser displays of feet dance around the ceiling]
Principal Victoria:	Oh, man, this is boring!
Man:	Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting? [the camera pans to two teen boys sitting in the next section by themselves]
Teen 1:	Dude, this is totally killer.
Teen 2:	I hope this goes on for like, seven months, man.
Dr. Adams:	[goes to his controls and turns Intensity up to 8.5. "Footloose" fades and the lasers close in to a narrow beam] You will not remember what happened here. To remember it will cause incredible pain. [moves Intensity to 9] Incredible pain! [moves Intensity to 9.5 or 10] Incredible icky paaiin!
Teen 1:	Dude, I'm totally tripping.
Teen 2:	This is totally killer.
	[South Park Elementary, the next day. The school bell sounds off]
Mr. Garrison:	[the class is seated] Okay, children, today we're going to learn all about Japanese poems called haiku. A haiku is just like a normal American poem, except that it doesn't rhyme, and it's totally stupid. For example- Uh, where is Eric Cartman?
Stan:	That's a haiku?
Mr. Garrison:	No, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't at school.
Stan:	Oh.
Mr. Garrison:	Was he on the school bus this morning?
Stan:	No.
Kyle:	[counting off the syllables] Fatass Cartman was not on the school bus today. What a big, fat turd.
Mr. Garrison:	Hoh, very good haiku, Kyle. Yes- haikus have five syllables, then seven, then five. Kenny, can you give us another example?
Kenny:	(When you rub your dick, you might find a discharge that winds up on the floor.)
Stan:	[the class roars with laughter] Yeah. What's a discharge?
Kyle:	Mr. Garrison, since haiku sucks so much ass, could we go to the planetarium again?
Stan:	Yeah, I wanna go to the planetarium again, too.
Mr. Garrison:	But you were just there! Why do you wanna go again so soon?
Stan:	[stumped, then to Kyle] Yeah, why do we wanna go again so soon?
Kyle:	I dunno. I just have this sudden urge to go back.
Mr. Garrison:	Well, I guess we could go again, since it's just down the street.
Cartman:	[entering, full of himself] Well, hello, it's all my little friends with all their little dreams. [he has a paper rolled up in his right hand]
Mr. Garrison:	Eric, where have you been?
Cartman:	Let's see, where have I been, where have I been?
Stan:	Where have you been, Cartman?
Cartman:	Wweell, I might have been over at the Cheesy Poofs call-back, winning regional championship! [unfurls the paper]
The Class:	Whoa!
Cartman:	[the paper reads, "Cheesy Poof Anthem Regional Champion"] This is my regional championship certificate! Do you like it? [now taunting] Hey, where is your regional champsionship 'tificate, Clyde? Oh, you don't have one? [Clyde looks crestfallen] Hmmm. Do you have a regional certificate, Wendy? Nno? [she screws up her face] Apparently, only I do.
Kyle:	Ass full of pork fat jiggles like a Jello mold. Mouth is flapping, too.
Cartman:	Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle. I'm regional champion.
Stan:	Does that mean you're gonna be on that Cheesy Poofs commercial?
Cartman:	It's between me and four other kids. I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
Kyle:	I bet you don't win. They don't let big fat asses perform on TV.
Mr. Garrison:	Very good, Kyle.
Cartman:	Shut your God-damned mouth or else I'm... gonna... kick you square in the balls... ass-hole Aw, damn it! [one too many syllables there]
	[Van Gelder is still strapped down. Mr. Mackey stops by]
Mr. Mackey:	Um. How's he doing, nurse?
Nurse Gollum:	He's stable, but I still can't get any information out of him. I'm gonna sedate him now.
Van Gelder:	Nno! No drugs.
Mr. Mackey:	Drugs are good, mkay?
Van Gelder:	Nno! Don't let them g-go... planetarium!
Nurse Gollum:	But why, van Gelder?
Van Gelder:	The machine. The machine is aaaah. [stiffens, then collapses]
Mr. Mackey:	The machine is aaaah? Uh that's probably bad.
Nurse Gollum:	He's been talking about "the machine" for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes.
Van Gelder:	Wha- why in America's Funniest Home Videos? Why?
Mr. Mackey:	Uh, there's only one way to get any sense out of him. We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mkay?
Nurse Gollum:	A what?
Mr. Mackey:	Well, it's an ancient technique handed down from school counselor to school counselor. I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.
Nurse Gollum:	Well, what will you need?
Mr. Mackey:	Just time to prepare, nurse. Just time. [oh, the tension!] Mkay?
	[Tantalus V. Obsevatory. The class is back]
Dr. Adams:	Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.
Mr. Garrison:	They just begged to come back; I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
Dr. Adams:	Well, I'm sure we're going to have a marvelous time. Won't we, children?
The Class:	Yes. [the two teens appear, now dressed as employees and with eyes glazed over]
Teen 1:	This way, please.
Teen 2:	Enjoy your visit. [Stan and Kyle look at each other]
	[The class is in the theater now, looking at the laser show]
Dr. Adams:	Billions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe. Here you see Polaris, the dog star.
Mr. Garrison:	[gets up and walks by Dr. Adams in the control booth] I'm just gonna step outside and go weewee.
Dr. Adams:	Certainly, Mr. Garrison. [watches him leave, then quickly turns Intensity up to 9. The stars brighten and dance] You love the planetarium! To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain! All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive! To not do so makes your stomach ache with needlelike stab- [turns down the intensity upon seeing Mr. Garrison enter the theater. He gestures at his next item] and right over here we see the constellation Orion. [Mr. Garrison puts his thumb up and Dr. Adams waves at him weakly] Orion's belt is made up of three stars, one of which is actually a pulsar...
Stan:	Dude, what just happened?
Kyle:	What do you mean?
Stan:	Come on, we've gotta get out of here before something bad happens.
	[Cheesy Poofs Call Backs Today! Cartman and his mom wait with the other finalists and their parents on sofas in the front office. Cartman is picking at his nose]
Liane:	Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman:	I wasn't picking it-I had an itch, for cryin' out loud!
Liane:	Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
Cartman:	I don't know. There's a lot of competition here.
Poor Girl:	Do you think I might win, Mommy?
Poor Mom:	I hope so, honey. Then perhaps we can eat for a little while.
Cartman:	[thinks, then gets up on the sofa and points out the window] Hey, look! They're giving away bread outside!
Poor Girl:	[gasps] Did you hear that, Mommy?
Poor Mom:	Come on! Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs! [they rush on outside. Cartman follows them to the door and closes it behind them]
Cartman:	Psych!
	[The Planetarium. Stan and Kyle are standing outside. The doors open and the rest of the class straggles out]
Mr. Garrison:	[noticing them] What the hell are you boys doing? You're supposed to be in there.
Stan:	Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is-
Kyle:	Sshh!
Dr. Adams:	[appearing at the door] Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming.
Clyde:	[Insistently] I wanna go again. I wanna go again!
Mr. Garrison:	Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde. You just went!
Dr. Adams:	Well, Clyde, if you like the plane'arium so much, perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.
Clyde:	Yes. Yes, please!
Butters:	Me too!
Annie:	Me, too! I wanna do it! I'd love to work here.
A Girl:	I'd like to tape the show!
Fosse:	Yeah, me tohohoo. Plahanehetaharium's gahahay! [the rest of the class chimes in]
Dr. Adams:	Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison:	Well, I guess I could give them extra credit for it.
Dr. Adams:	Excellent! Why don't we step over here and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.
The Class:	Hooray! [all but Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow Dr. Adams]
Stan:	Dude, this isn't right.
Kyle:	Why?
Stan:	We're kids, dude. We don't volunteer for anything.
Kyle:	Oh, yeah.
Stan:	Come on, we've gotta see what's going on in there. [he, Kyle, and Kenny go back inside and enter the control booth]
Kyle:	Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
Stan:	Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.
Kenny:	[leaves the booth] (Okay. Got to have some huggin'.) [takes a seat, which automatically reclines]
Stan:	He hits this switch- [moves Intensity to 1 and the power comes on. The lights go down]
Kenny:	(I don't see anything.)
Kyle:	You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.
Stan:	Yeah, I guess so. [moves Intensity to 4. The stars start to revolve]
Kenny:	(Whoa, dude.)
Kyle:	What does that do?
Stan:	I don't know. [moves Intensity to 7.5. Kenny shakes audibly]
Kyle:	Kenny! What's it doing? [Kenny can't answer. He just shakes more and more violently]
Stan:	This says "maximum." [moves Intensity to 10. Kenny shakes more violently, and finally explodes. Stan and Kyle look] Oh my God, we've killed Kenny!
Kyle:	We're bastards!
Stan:	[turns off the power and races with Kyle to Kenny's remains] Dude, I told you something was up with this place! [rats work on the corpse]
Kyle:	We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
	[Casting Office. The finalists are showing their best work now]
Boy:	(clap clap clap) -G-O (clap clap ---) -G-O and Bingo was his name-o Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o (clap clap clap-clap) O (clap clap clap-clap clap) O (clap clap clap-clap clap) O and Bingo was his name-o Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o (clap) ING (clap) ING (clap) and Bingo was his name-o [finishes with a flourish and a bow]
Center Judge:	[applauds] Thank you... uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon. [Peter leaves the room] Next will be uuh, Eric Theodore Cartman.
Liane:	[entering with Cartman and a boom box] Hello, everybody. [to Cartman] Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.
Cartman:	I know, I know! [Liane goes to a sofa and plays a tape while Cartman goes before the judges and clears his throat] She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right [he rips off his jacket and reveals a sky blue sequined vest and bowtie - and his belly button. The judges are surprised] She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right [he moonwalks, then faces the judges again. End of performance]
Center Judge:	[long pause] Well, Heric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.
Cartman:	Thank you.
Center Judge:	We'll let you know.
Liane:	Thank you. [she and Cartman reach the door. Cartman is covering his nose] Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman:	I'm not pickin' it ma! God damn it, I have an itch! [they leave and close the door behind them]
Center Judge:	Jesus, where do we find these people?!
	[South Park Elementary, the nurse's office]
Mr. Mackey:	[mind-melding with van Gelder] Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts are one. Mkay?
Nurse Gollum:	This is the strangest thing I've ever seen!
Mr. Mackey:	Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head, you're not being very open-minded. [turns back to the job at hand] Open your mind to your counselor. Open your mind.
Van Gelder:	[responding to the meld] Dr. Adams.
Mr. Mackey:	Yes.
Nurse Gollum:	He owns the planetarium. What about him?
Van Gelder, Mr. Mackey:	He uses the machine. The star machine.
Mr. Mackey:	Mkay?
Van Gelder, Mr. Mackey:	He uses it to erase minds.
Nurse Gollum:	But why?
Van Gelder, Mr. Mackey:	Planetarium, about to go out of business. Adams had to create slaves to survive.
Nurse Gollum:	My God! This is amazing!
Mr. Mackey:	Abuh. Please, nurse, you're throwin' off my chi! Mkay?
	[Casting Office. The results are in]
Center Judge:	Well, we'd certainly like to thank all our finalists. Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize and... unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.
Cartman:	[triumphantly] Yes! I'm the best!
Center Judge:	You were actually our last choice. Uh the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.
Blonde Judge:	That's odd.
Cartman:	[joyfully] Sweeet!
	[News 4 Special Report]
Tom:	It appears that more and more South Park residents are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium. Here with a special report is a 34-year old Asian man who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.
Asian Reporter:	Thanks, Tom. Yes, indeed, the planetarium has become very popular as word spreads that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected. I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
Dr. Adams:	Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation to all South Park residents to come see a special free show this evening. I guarantee, it will change the way you think about the plane'ah-arium
Asian Reporter:	So, bring the whole family to the plane-tarium for a night of excitement and wonder.
	[SOUTH PARK POLICE DEPT. Stan and Kyle are inside talking to Officer Barbrady]
Stan:	...and then we turned the dial, and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.
Officer Barbrady:	That's a pretty far-fetched story, boys.
Kyle:	But it's true, dude!
Officer Barbrady:	Are you boys sure you're not just making this all up?
Stan:	Yeah, pretty sure.
Officer Barbrady:	Well, just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
Stan:	What other crime in South Park?
Officer Barbrady:	Oh, yeah. Let's go.
	[Time for Cartman's big debut]
Director:	Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?
Cartman:	I'm over here. [dressed as a Cheesy Poof]
Liane:	Oohh, you look great, hon. Mommy's fat little piggy.
Cartman:	Aay! [a stagehand escorts Cartman to the Cheesy Poof backdrop before the camera] Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
Director:	Okay, roll camera, aaand action.
Cartman:	I love Cheesy Poofs, you-
Liane:	Oh wait, wait. [runs in with a handkerchief] You've got a little eye booger, hon.
Cartman:	Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake! [she wipes it off]
Liane:	Got it. [moves away]
Director:	Aaand action.
Cartman:	I love Cheesy Poofs-
Director:	Hold it! Cut! Could we get some more light on that backdrop?
Stagehand:	Sure thing. [adjusts the lighting]
Cartman:	Oh, man, c'mon!
Stagehand:	Got it.
Director:	Okay. Here we go, aaand action.
Cartman:	I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Chee-
Director:	Cut!
Cartman:	What?!
Director:	I'm not liking the shoes. Could we change the shoes?
Cartman:	Oh, God damnit!
	[Barbrady, Stan, and Kyle show up at the planetarium. Barbrady knocks and the door opens]
Dr. Adams:	Oh. Hello, officer of the law.
Officer Barbrady:	Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.
Dr. Adams:	What brings you out here?
Officer Barbrady:	Well, these boys seem to think you're some kind of sick weirdo that's got a master plan to screw with the minds of everyone in town. [starts laughing]
Dr. Adams:	Oh, really? [leans forward menacingly. The boys huddle close to Barbrady]
Officer Barbrady:	Yeah. I just thought I'd come show them around so they'd know there's nothing to be scared of. [he advances, but Dr. Adams blocks the door]
Dr. Adams:	Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.
Officer Barbrady:	Okay, I'll be quick, then.
Dr. Adams:	Of course, officer. Come on in.
	[Barbrady and the boys enter. What they see inside is something else. Kids, Bebe among them, are sweeping and cleaning the exhibits. Chef is helping out, too. All of them are wearing gray planetarium suits]
Chef:	[in a low monotone] Hello, children.
Stan:	Oh, no! They got Chef, too!
Chef:	Welcome to the planetarium. [yes, his eyes, too, are glazed over. Anyone affected by the star machine has a blank stare]
Officer Barbrady:	Well, it's nice to see you finally got a real job, Chef.
Chef:	[slowly, mechanically] I love my work.
Officer Barbrady:	Oh I know what you mean. I've always loved the planetarium, too.
Dr. Adams:	[an opening] Would you like to see the stars, officer?
Stan, Kyle:	No!
Officer Barbrady:	That would be super-duper! [walks into the theater with Dr. Adams]
Kyle:	Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!
	[Cartman's house. He's calling everyone he knows...]
An Aged Voice:	Hello?
Cartman:	Hi, Grandma. It's me, Eric.
Grandma:	Oh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed you.
Cartman:	I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be on television tonight, so be sure to watch.
Grandma:	Oh, I will, Eric. You know, I remember when I was a little girl and had my first talent show audition for-
Cartman:	Okay, bye. [he punches a number]
The Marshes' Answering Machine:	Hello? The-uh Marshes aren't in right now. Please leave a message.
Cartman:	Stan? I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be sure to watch. [he punches another number]
The Broflovskis' Answering Machine:	Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis. Please, leave a message.
Cartman:	Where the hell is everybody?! I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!
	[Back at the planetarium...]
Dr. Adams:	And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.
Officer Barbrady:	Oh, neato!
Dr. Adams:	[turning Intensity up to 8.5] And now, officer, from this moment on, you will think that you are Elvis Presley.
Officer Barbrady:	Who?
Dr. Adams:	To not be Elvis will cause you great pain.
Officer Barbrady:	Pain.
Dr. Adams:	You see, children? There's no stopping me. Even your highly intelligent policemen are no match for me.
Kyle:	He's not highly intelligent.
Stan:	Why are you doing this, dude?
Dr. Adams:	Why? Because nowadays kids have computers, surround-sound television. They've forgotten all about plane'ariums. But I'll make them remember, starting with the two of you!
	[Cartman's house. He's watching the TV for his commercial]
Voice-over:	Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these announcements.
Cartman:	Oh, dude, here it comes!
Cheesy Poofs Commercial:	Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up. So remember, [a dancing Cheesy Poofs box appears] I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs [the box opens and Cheesy Poof pour out] If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be- [the Cheesy Poofs rain down on a pile of Cheesy Poof in which children swim]
Cheesy Poof Cartman:	Lame.
Voice-over:	And now back to Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman:	Yes! Yes, that was me! I was on television!
	[Mr. Mackey and Nurse Gollum burst through the planetarium doors. Mr. Mackey is pissed. Facing them are Dr. Adams, Officer Barbrady, Stan, Kyle, and the two teens]
Mr. Mackey:	Aha! Caught you red-handed! Mkay!
Stan:	Mr. Mackey!
Mr. Mackey:	Officer Barbrady, uh, this man is using some kind of mind control.
Officer Barbrady	[doing a twisted Elvis Presley] Wuzzariah? Ulduhooyah? Guh. Ahoohooyuh?
Nurse Gollum:	What's wrong with him?
Officer Barbrady:	Ah-yeah, babe, yeah, babe uhyeah hwah yeah hwah wayah ahowowowowayah
Mr. Mackey:	Oh no, apparently, he thinks he's Charlton Heston.
Dr. Adams:	No, you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis. [to Barbrady] Elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium.
Officer Barbrady:	[snapping into a sharp Elvis] Holdjit [pulls out his gun and shoves it into Mackey's nose] If you wouldn't mind, uugh. Could you please follow me?
Mr. Mackey:	Uh oh.
Officer Barbrady:	[voice skipping up the scales] Odle-oh who whoo?
	[The planetarium, that night. Nurse Gollum, Mr. Mackey, Stan, and Kyle are strapped into their seats in the theater]
Dr Adams:	Well, let's begin, shall we? [starts up the laser show controls] And now you'll remember nothing, except that the planet'arium is the best thing you've ever known! [Cartman enters, oblivious to the star machine]
Cartman:	Well, well well! You guys can now kiss my ass, because I was on television! [the other four are entranced now] Ey! Didn't you guys see it?! I was on television! [sees that the others aren't responding] You missed it! You missed it because of this stupid planetarium! [walks up to the star machine and kicks it. It falls down and breaks up] Planetariums suck ass! [the star machine's beams come at Dr. Adams at full force and go right into his eyes]
Dr. Adams:	Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.
Kyle:	[coming out of the trance] Cartman! You saved us! [the others come out of it, too]
Cartman:	What the hell are you talking about?
Stan:	Get over here and untie us! [Cartman rushes over and starts untying them, Mr. Mackey first]
Mr. Mackey:	Eric, you really saved the day. Mkay?
Officer Barbrady:	[rushing in] Not so fast there, tubby. Uh I'm just takin' care of business. [Cartman stops]
Mr. Mackey:	Think hard, Elvis. You're not really the king of rock and roll. You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town. Mkay?
Officer Barbrady:	[snapping out of it] Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor.
Stan:	[notices the destruction to the star machine] Oh my God! Dr. Adams!
	[Everyone rushes to the control room window to see what's happened. Dr. Adams is seated inside against a wall, slumped on his right side]
Kyle:	He got a full dose of the stars.
Stan:	Yeah. With nobody around to say anything.
Kyle:	Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied by that... thing.
Cartman:	Wow. What a day this has been. I was on TV, and, I'm a hero. [scratches his nose]
Liane:	[looking in] Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman:	God damnit, Mom, I wasn't pickin' it! I have an itch!
	[End of Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods. The Cheesy Poofs anthem plays]