Prehistoric Ice Man/Script

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The official script for "Prehistoric Ice Man" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Aussie
• Larry, the Prehistoric Ice Man
• Mayor McDaniels
• Dr. Mephesto
• Federal Agents
• Reporters
• Leslie
• Buck
• Officer Barbrady and his officers
• Train Station Clerk
• Train Conductor
• Helicopter Pilot
• Marilyn Manson

Script

Prehistoric Ice Man
	Cartman's house. A television is heard. The screen shows an Australian crocodile hunter narrating his adventures as a woman pilots his boat down a river.
Aussie	As we steer our boat down [the boys are on the sofa looking at TV], looking for these dangerous predators... Boy, there's a king croc right here. [it slips into the water] He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least. [it looks up at him] This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off.
Kenny	(Oh, no!) [tightens his hood up]
Aussie	I've got to be careful. So, what I'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole.
Stan	Holy crap. dude!
Aussie	If I get bit out here, I'm 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital: I'd better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butthole. [jumps in and grabs the crocodile] Oh, boy, it's pissed off now.
Kyle	Go, dude, go! [excited, the boys jump on the sofa]
Aussie	I'm gonna jam my thumb it its butthole now! This should really piss it off! [reaches down with his left thumb to do it. The croc jumps up in pain and drops] Oh, yeah, that pissed it off, all right! [the boys cheer] I've gotta be careful!
Stan	This guy rules!
Kenny	(He actually killed it!)
Cartman	I told you guys.
Aussie	[with left arm now bandaged and in a sling] Well! That was quite an angry croc! But I managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. Next week we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures, so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. Thanks for watching.
Kyle	[to Stan] Dude! Let's go look for crocodiles!
Stan	Yeah!
	The four of them hop to the floor and walk out the front door.
	The woods. Cartman leads the boys up a hill. All are armed with water guns.
Cartman	[with Aussie accent] There's bound to be some crocs up here. I'll use my croc call and try to bring 'em out. Brigeghus, brigeghus! Brig-!
Kyle	That's not how a croc sounds, you fatass penis!
Cartman	[advancing towards Kyle] Ogh! Now I'm gonna kick my friend Kyle in the beanbag and see what happens, by crikey!
Kyle	Get away from me, Cartman! [backs away]
Cartman	Come 'ere, crocky.
Kyle	[trips over a rock and tumbles down the slope] AAAAAAAAAA!
	The boys follow him to a hole.
Stan	Dude!
Kyle	[from the bottom of a dark shaft. His figure disappears] HELP! [thud]
Stan	Good job, Cartman! You killed Kyle!
Kenny	(You bastard!)
Cartman	Well, he shouldn't have called me fat. [backs up]
Stan	Why the hell not?! That's like calling the sky blue!
Cartman	Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles! [turns around and walks off]
Kyle	You guuuys!
Stan	[to Cartman] Hey, he's still alive. [looks down and calls] Kyle, you okay? [Cartman returns and looks down]
Kyle	I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman	I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle	Cartman, you fucking hunk of fat, rat-fucking hunk of pig-fucking ass fat.
Cartman	Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, pussy!
Stan	Can you climb back up, dude?
Kyle	I don't think so.
Stan	Damn it, I guess I'll have to go get him.
Cartman	[moves away] Nah. Come on, guys. Let's go look for crocodi-iles.
	Inside a cave at the bottom of the shaft, Kyle awaits his rescue. Stan descends, spinning slowly as Cartman huffs outside.
Stan	Whoa, dude. This is making me sick. Blaach! [his vomit goes everywhere] Bluchluchluchluch.
Kyle	Sick, dude! [wipes some off his cap]
Stan	Sorry. [Cartman slips a bit] What the hell are you doing, fat boy?! [drops to the cave ground and stands up]
Cartman	Screw you, hippie!
Kyle	Come on, dude. I wanna get out of here.
Stan	All right. Just grab the rope. Wait a minute. What's this?
	He walks to an ice pillar nearby. Kyle follows. Stan rubs some frost away from the pillar, revealing a frozen man.
Both	AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle	Dude, it's a dude!
	Stan takes a closer look.
Stan	He's like, some frozen guy.
Cartman	Come on, you guys, it's getting cold up here!
Stan	Shut up, Cartman! [to Kyle] Dude, I saw this in a movie once. The old cavemen get frozen, and then people discover them and make them their caveman friends.
Kyle	Wow. Cool.
Stan	[to Cartman and Kenny] You guys, there's a frozen ape man from the past down here! Send some more rope!
Cartman	Really? [to Kenny] Hey, there's a frozen guy down there.
Stan	[to Kyle] Help me chip some of the ice away.
Cartman	Hey you guys. This is just like that one movie, um, John Travolta and that, French chick were doing it, all summer long and went back to school and sang songs about "Greased Lightning." [no response] You know, that movie where Sandra Dee thinks she's all prissy, and then they try and try to get an abortion, but she doesn't have all the-
Stan and Kyle	[frustrated by Cartman's talkativeness] CARTMAN, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET SOME MORE ROPE?!
Cartman	Aww, screw you guys anyway!
Stan	Hey, remember when that kid found a wallet and got a reward?
Kyle	Yeah, sweet! Maybe we can get a reward for the frozen guy!
Both	Hooray!
Cartman	For what?
	On the road towards town. Cartman pulls the frozen man on a sled while the other three push from behind.
Stan	Where shall we bring it?
Kyle	I don't know. We just have to get it to town and let them figure out what to do with it.
Stan	I think I'm going to name it Gorak.
Kyle	No, dude! We have to name it Steve.
Stan	[stops] Steve? What the hell kind of caveman name is Steve? [Cartman pulls, but isn't going anywhere]
Kyle	It's my name, and I found him.
Stan	You didn't find him, I found him.
Kyle	What are you talking about, dude?! I fell down that abyss and there it was!
Stan	You wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't pointed it out.
Kyle	Kenny, who found the ice man?
Kenny	(Well, I think you guys should name it Steve.)
Cartman	I think we're almost there, you guys.
	City Hall front lawn. The mayor is at the podium and a crowd of townspeople is watching.
Mayor McDaniels	Aalll right, people. The next order of business is a very serious matter. We need to vote on whether South Park should reinstate the death penalty or not. All those in favor, say "yippee."
Some people	Yippee.
Tardy Man	Wait, what was that? I missed the question. Yippee! [raises both hands]
Mayor McDaniels	All those opposed, say "nay."
Other people	Nay.
Tardy Man	Screw you! [punches the guy to his right]
Man	Ey! Screw you! [hits the tardy man, and everyone starts fighting. The boys show up with the ice man]
Stan	Huh, excuse me?
Mayor McDaniels	Not now, kids. The town is having a very important debate on capital punishment. [quite vigorously, too]
Kyle	But we found a frozen ice man from the past! [all stop]
Stan	I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Kyle	No. I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Mayor McDaniels	What the hell is going on here?
Kyle	We came for our reward.
Cartman	Yeah, like the kid with the wallet.
Mayor McDaniels	[annoyed] Reward? What reward?
Dr. Mephesto	[arriving] Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled onto something here. You see, Mayor, frozen links are often found: dinosaur eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen could be a missing link [close-up] in our evolution. If I can unfreeze the body, and perform an autopsy, I could learn much about this creature's people and its time.
Mayor	Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your socks off.
Dr. Mephesto	Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I can't give you a reward for finding this creature, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him.
Stan	Really.
Kyle	Sweet. How about Steve?
Dr. Mephesto	Steve it is.
Stan	Wait a minute! His name is Gorak!
Dr. Mephesto	Come on, Steve. We've got work to do. [pushes "Steve" away with Kevin. Stan is not happy at Kyle's sleight of word] Unfreezing this body will be quite delicate work. We'll have to use the most advanced methods available.
	The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Inside, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin use blow dryers on the ice man. Quite an advanced method.
Dr. Mephesto	This is very exciting. He could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Paleolithic era. [turns off the blow dryer and picks up a flashlight to inspect the man] Do you see that, Kevin? These clothes are from Eddie Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes from Eddie Bauer since... 1996! [Kevin expresses shock] This is incredible! Think of all we can learn from this body! All that it can teach us! Let's just hope the press doesn't get wind of this right away.
	The lab door flies open and cameras flash all around. Officer Barbrady tries to hold the press back by barring entrance through the door.
Officer Barbrady	Stand back, people. There's nothing to see here.
Reporter	What about the prehistoric ice man?
Officer Barbrady	Oh, yeah. There is that. [lowers his arms, and the press rushes in.]
Reporter	Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell us what's going on?
Dr. Mephesto	Ladies and gentlemen, we still have a lot of work to do. [the press mills around, taking pictures] But it is my opinion that this man has been frozen in time for over 32 months! [some reporters gasp] Yes, it's true, although at this early stage we know very little about this man or the time from which he comes.
	News 4 Special Report. The caption has a silhouette of a caveman stamped with a question mark.
Reporter	Fascinating news tonight from South Park. An ancient discovery of a prehistoric man actually frozen in ice. A team of scientists continues to try and unfreeze the body so that it can be autopsied, and studied. The caveman was discovered by Kyle Broflovski, who had this to say:
Kyle	[Stan and Kenny in the background] Well, I fell down this ice cavern, [Stan interrupts him with "la"s] and I saw this block of ice, so I told my friend to throw a rope- [Kenny looks at Stan, and Kyle glances back]
Reporter	The prehistoric ice man is thought to be from the late neo-post-Jurassic era, where he was probably part of a hunting and gathering tribe that lived on Waterston Street.
	The genetic engineering ranch.
Dr. Mephesto	That's it, Kevin. Now we can begin the autopsy.
"Steve"	[stirs] Uuuurrr.
Dr. Mephesto	Ugh? What's this?
"Steve"	[stirs more] Mmmmm.
Mayor McDaniels	Holy crap! He's alive??
Dr. Mephesto	That's impossible! [to Kevin] Do an EKG on him!
	Kevin hits "Steve" on the head with the hammer.
"Steve"	Uugh! [Raises his right arm to his head to soothe the pain]
Dr. Mephesto	My God, he really is alive. The ice must have preserved him!
Mayor McDaniels	[alarmed] Well, quick, do something!
Dr. Mephesto	No no, we've got to think this through. [takes the mayor aside] Mayor, this man has not been conscious for almost three years. He won't understand what he sees! He'll be frightened and confused!
Mayor McDaniels	Well, you just can't let him die.
Dr. Mephesto	Perhaps death is better than the shock he will take trying to adapt to our time.
"Steve"	Uh, ughn.
Dr. Mephesto	[moves towards him] Oh my God. It looks as if he's about to speak!
"Steve"	[eyes open] Where... where am I?
Reporter 1	What?
Reporter 2	What's he saying?
Reporter 3	Is that English?
Dr. Mephesto	What? You're, you're hungry?
"Steve"	Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto	You're, you're hungry?
"Steve"	What's goin' on?
Dr. Mephesto	Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Ma-phes-to. Mah-phehs-to.
"Steve"	Huh?
Dr. Mephesto	Hawgh! If we could understand what he's saying, then maybe we could get some answers. [Kevin hits "Steve" a couple more times, and "Steve" soothes his head again] If only there was someone who could communicate with him on a level as primitive as his own, a mind like... a child.
	The boys walk along the curb on their was home.
Stan	Dude, I wanted to call him Gorak.
Kyle	Gorak's a gay name.
Stan	No, it isn't!
Kyle	Why are you being such a dick?
Stan	I'm not being a dick, you're being a dick!
Kyle	Nuh-uh!
Officer Barbrady	[rushing up] Hello, children. Dr. Mephesto needs one of you to help him out in his lab with the prehistoric ice man.
Kyle	I'll go.
Stan	No, I'll go! I found him!
Cartman	Damn, I've never seen you guys fight like this!
Officer Barbrady	All right, there's only one fair way to do this. Everyone stick out their potatoes. [thumbs come out] My mother and your mother were out hanging clothes. My mother punched your mother in the nose. What color blood came out? [Lands on Kenny]
Kenny	(Blue.)
Officer Barbrady	B L O O uh oh-O spells "blue" and that means that you will go to the lab and help out Mephesto and then we can all go home and watch Murphy Brown. [The boys look confused]
	The genetic engineering ranch. "Steve" is now sitting up.
Dr. Mephesto	Steve. You-
"Steve"	Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto	Steeve. Steeeve. Steeeve. [the door opens, and the boys rush in] Oh good, you're here.
Stan	Oh my God, they revived Gorak.
Kyle	You bastards!
Dr. Mephesto	Yes, and I need you to communicate with him. See if you can understand what he's saying.
	He takes Stan to Steve.
Stan	Uh, hi.
"Steve"	Hi.
Dr. Mephesto	[rushing] What'd he say?
Stan	He said, "hi."
Dr. Mephesto	Very interesting.
"Steve"	Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto	What??
Stan	He wants to know where he is.
Dr. Mephesto	Tell him, tell him he's... home.
Stan	You're... home.
	"Steve" scratches his head.
Dr. Mephesto	In the year 1999.
"Steve"	It's 1999??
Dr. Mephesto	He's been frozen for the last 32 months.
Stan	Dude, you've been frozen 32 months.
Dr. Mephesto	And we found you-
"Steve"	What? Thirty-two months?!
Dr. Mephesto	All right, all right, all-
"Steve"	Aaaa! [throws over a tray]
Dr. Mephesto	All right, all right, calm down.
"Steve"	[panics] AAAAAAA!
Dr. Mephesto	I think that's enough for today. [sedates him]
"Steve"	Whoa, oh.
Kyle	Good job, dude! You freaked him out!
Stan	Oh, shut up, assmaster. You're just jealous 'cause they had me talk to him.
	They face each other. Cartman looks on, between them.
Kyle	Guess what? You're not my best friend anymore! Cartman's my new best friend!
Cartman	Sweet.
Stan	Oh yeah? Well You're not my best friend anymore, either! Cartman is now my best friend!
Cartman	Killer.
Kyle	Fine! [turns and walks away]
Stan	Fine! [turns and walks away]
Cartman	Fine.
	The genetic engineering ranch. A car is stationed outside. A finger presses the butt-shaped doorbell.
Agent	[one of three] Are you Alphonse Mephesto?
Dr. Mephesto	The same.
Agent	We understand that you are currently in possession of the prehistoric ice man from 1996.
Dr. Mephesto	That's right.
Agent	We would like to... [notices Kevin and stares] we would like to offer our services in your experiments.
Dr. Mephesto	Oh? Where are you gents from?
Agent 2	We are from the University, of... America.
Dr. Mephesto	Well, there's not a lot to see, but... Come in. [opens the door and makes way for them] He's still not responding much to us; the shock is still settling in, [as he leads them, familiar animals can be seen in display cages: four-assed monkey, four-assed mongoose, four-assed ostrich] but we've made great progress now that he's in the habitat.
Agent	Habitat?
Dr. Mephesto	[they turn the corner into a darkened area] Yes. Kevin and I designed a habitat for Steve to live in that is completely like his own world. Everything is 1996-oriented.
	He turns on the light, and Ace of Base's "All That She Wants" blares from a stereo.
Agent	Amazing. He looks so much like us.
	"Steve" sits on a "Hunchback of Notre Dame" bed, with posters of "Fargo" and "Independence Day" on the back wall.
Dr. Mephesto	Yes, well, Kevin has done a lot of work in figuring out just how related to us Steve really is. He came up with this drawing:
	He holds up evolution of man drawing with "Steve" right before the modern man.
Agent	Dr. Mephesto, we realize that scientific study is expensive. We want to help you make this project more... lucrative.
Dr. Mephesto	How would we do that?
Agent	It's easy.
	Dr. Mephesto has opened up his ranch to the public. Viewers move down a moving sidewalk looking at the habitat and listening to Ace of Base's "The Sign". One viewer snaps a picture. Mephesto stands at a podium.
Dr. Mephesto	As you can see, the ice man is listening to Ace of Base, which was a very popular group during his era, and primitive drumming soothed his people's tempers.
	The boys appear on the sidewalk.
Stan	He doesn't look very happy in there.
Kyle	No, he sure doesn't.
Stan	I wasn't talking to you, buttpipe! I was talking to Cartman!
Kyle	Well, I was talking to Cartman, too!
Cartman	Damn, I'm pretty freakin' cool all of a sudden.
Dr. Mephesto	Ah! Here we see the ice man trying to gain Internet access on the computer. The Internet was still not very big in his time, so the Web frightens and confuses him. ["Steve" throws the mouse away, then overturns the computer in a fit of rage. The viewers are alarmed as he moves towards the window] It's okay, he can't hurt you. [they chuckle in relief] It's one-way glass: he can't even see us. ["Steve" goes to the back wall] And now the ice man watches television.
	Click. The Aussie hunter is on TV. A grizzly bear is man-handling him.
Aussie	This grizzly bear has the strength of over ten Morgan Freemans. I'm really pissing him off right now.
Dr. Mephesto	[to the Agents] Wait. This could be dangerous.
Agent	How so?
Dr. Mepehsto	He's changing the channel. Something on the television could frighten and confuse him.
Sports Reporter	And they've done it! The Atlanta Falcons are going to the Super Bowl!
"Steve"	What?!! Rrrowrrr!
	He throws the TV off the cabinet and the crowd recoils. He senses the crowd, as he turns towards the glass and growls.
Stan	[approaches with Kyle and Cartman] You guys aren't being very nice to my creature.
Kyle	He's my creature!
Dr. Mephesto	He's fine, boys. And we're learning so much from him.
Stan	Let him out, dude. He's scared.
Agent	He would be more scared on the outside. Do you think this stuff freaks him out? How do you think he'd react to what's happening in the government right now?
Kyle	But it isn't right!
Agent 2	Little boy, sometimes, what's right isn't as important as what's profitable.
	Stan turns and walks to the window. He looks at "Steve" in empathy. More people come by to look at the ice man.
Kenny	[notices the end of the sidewalk] (Uh oh. Ow!)
	He slips down between the sidewalk and the landing, and is flattened to death. His remains reappear at the other end.
Stan	[gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! [looks at Kyle]
Kyle	What?! I'm not talking to you! [walks away]
	Later that night.
Stan	[a voice in the night] Gorak! [he rushes to the habitat, then heads to the access door] Gorak! Gorak! Are you there?
"Steve"	Oh hi. What are you doing here? Viewing hours are 10 to 6.
Stan	I don't think it's fair for them to keep you captive like this, Gorak. I came to bust you out.
"Steve"	Wow. That's really nice of you, kid. Thanks!
	A door opens off-screen, and Stan turns to see who it is. Kyle appears.
Stan	What are you doing here?
Kyle	[reaches the access door] I'm here to bust out Steve.
Stan	What?! You can't. I'm here to bust out Gorak.
Kyle	His name is Steve!
Stan	His name is Gorak!
"Steve"	My name is Larry.
Kyle	Steve!
Stan	Gorak!
Kyle	Steve!
Stan	What kind of stupid-ass name is Steve?!
Kyle	Because, he kinda like looks like Steve Austin, the $6 million man.
Stan	[looks up at Larry, who looks back] No he doesn't!!
Kyle	Does so!
Larry	Uh. Hey, kids, could you just open the door so I can get back to my family?
Stan	I found him, I'm rescuing him!
	Kyle just opens the door.
Larry	[to Kyle] Thanks. [leaves]
Stan	You're a dick!
Kyle	You're a dick!
Stan	You're a dick, and I've had it with your dicketry! I choose you!
Kyle	You want a fight? Well, that's fine with me!
Stan	Tomorrow at the bus stop, 4 o'clock!
Kyle	Well, why don't we make 3 o'clock?
Stan	[hushed] Dude, Terrance and Phillip is on at 3.
Kyle	[hushed] Oh yeah. [loudly] Fine, I'll kick your ass tomorrow, dick! [walks away]
Stan	I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish you never had it- to begin with! Your ass, I mean. [turns his head aside] Wait. [walks off in the opposite direction]
	The town, next day. Larry walks around and comes across "TELE'S," which shows a large-screen TV flanked by towers three TV's tall on each side. Marilyn Manson is on screen.
Marilyn Manson	I just smelled your britches and they're stinky Stinky Britches Stinky Britches
Larry	Arrrggh!
	He crashes through the window, takes the large-screen TV and smashes it to the ground, then walks away.
	The genetic engineering ranch.
Dr. Mephesto	He's gone! The ice man has broken out!
Agent	No, that's impossible! How could he have?
Dr. Mephesto	He must have used this... door.
	A door to the outside is open next to him.
Agent	Damn it, Damn it!
Dr. Mephesto	We have to find him! He won't survive long out in the world!
Agent	Yes, and if he isn't found, we won't be able to use him for our military war-
Agent 2	Sshhhh!
Agent	Right.
Mephesto	What?
Agent 2	What?
Agent	Nothing.
Dr. Mephesto	No, what did you say? Uh, use him for what?
Agent	[shrilly] Butlutlutlutlup!
	Mephesto just stares at him.
Agent 2	Dr. Mephesto, where could the creature have gone?
Dr. Mephesto	I have no idea!
Agent	We'll never track him down on our own. This calls for some special assistance.
	Larry knocks at a door at 1299 Waterston St. A woman opens the door.
Woman	Can I help you?
Larry	Leslie. It's me, Larry. [she stares back, blankly] Your husband?
Leslie	Husband? You're not my husband.
Larry	Think hard, Leslie. We used to be together, for over eight years?
Woman	I seem to remember a husband, but I think he was lost and never found on Kenosha Pass.
Larry	That was me!
Leslie	[a bit stunned] Oh.
Big Man	[appears behind her] Who is it, lover?
Leslie	It's my former husband, who I had forgotten all about.
Big Man	Ooooo. [he and Larry check each other out] Well, sir, let me shake your hand. I'm proud to meet the man whose wife I'm currently sticking it to every night. [walks away]
Larry	So you... remarried.
Leslie	Yes, Lorry.
Larry	Larry!
Leslie	Uh, larry. Larry-y, you disap-peared. I waited for you to come home for over three days! I. I remember how cold and lonely the nights got. By the fourth day I knew: I had to move on.
Larry	Didn't anybody send out a search party?
Leslie	We did, Larry. We looked all afternoon. But we found nothing, no trace.
Larry	Please, Leslie, I don't know where else to go. I'm confused.
Leslie	Leslie, I'm with Buck now. [must be the big dude shown earlier]
Larry	You're Leslie.
Leslie	Right. I'm with Buck now. We have children together. [they appear] Calvin is eight, and little Buck is 13. I just can't up and leave them. I'm sorry.
Larry	I'm sorry, too. I'll leave you alone. [walks away. She closes the door, and he stops] Eight and thirteen? [wrong family?]
	Stan's house. He and Cartman are out in the backyard. Cartman is dressed as an outback hunter.
Cartman	Well, I don't see any crocs out here.
Stan	Damnit, Cartman, you're supposed to be helping me to get ready to fight Kyle, not playing Australian outback guy!
Cartman	[walks over to a cat nearby] Or, in other words, I'll let this jagu-ar bop me in the face and see if it hurts. Come on, jagu-ar, let's see what you've got! [the cat leaps up and scratches his face] Aaah! Ow, son of a bitch!
	He feels the two scratches on his left cheek.
Stan	You suck as a best friend, Cartman!
Cartman	You son of a bitch cat!
Stan	[walks to Larry, bathing in a tub out in the open with the garden hose, and looks at him for a while] What are you doing, Gorak!
Larry	[turns to see him] I can't live in your time. I'm freezing myself again.
Stan	Wow, that sucks, dude.
Larry	Tell me about it. I've been doing this for over three and a half hours now, and only my toes are starting to ice over.
Kyle	[rushing in with a travel guide] Steve, wait!
Stan	What are you doing here, dick?! We're not supposed to fight until 4 o'clock!
Kyle	I've got something to show Steve, dick!
Stan	Gorak is busy freezing himself again, dick!
Kyle	Steve, you don't have to freeze yourself. Look!
Larry	What is that? [drops the hose]
Kyle	It's this place called Des Moines. It's like, lost in time, see? [opens the guide to show Des Moines's assets] Everybody looks like you do. [flips the page] Fashion is two years behind, Technology is two years behind, fads, are two years behind, just like you.
	He hands him the guide to look over.
Sorry	[closes it with affection] Home.
Kyle	Come on, Steve, you're going to Des Moines!
Stan	Oh, no you don't, glory-monger! Gorak is my responsibility. I'll take him to Des Moines!
Kyle	No you don't, butthole!
	A helicopter is heard over the neighborhood, and Larry sees it. Dogs begin barking.
Larry	They're coming for me!
Stan	Come on! [the three run away]
Cartman	Yeah, you jagu-ars can be real mean. I'm gonna have to smack it in the face.
	Mephesto and his agents arrive.
Dr. Mephesto	Was the ice man here?
Cartman	He might have been, by crikey.
Agent	We have to get him back. Well, can you do it?
Aussie	[!] Sure I can! I can hunt down anything!
Cartman	Wow! Kick ass!
	South Park Train Station. People are waiting to depart, and a train is pulling in.
Stan	We need a one-way ticket to Des Moines, please.
Clerk	Des Moines? What the hell for?
Kyle	We have to get our friend, Steve-
Stan	My friend, Gorak!
Kyle	-to Des Moines, or else he's gonna melt away.
Stan	No, he's not gonna melt away! That's Frosty, you stupid butthole!
Kyle	Frosty, Steve, whatever.
Clerk	Well, okay. Uh, I'll find him a seat.
	He sets to writing the ticket. The boys soon look at the clock on the wall.
Stan	Dude, look, it's 4 o'clock.
Kyle	Oh. We'll wait for you over there, Steve. We have to start fighting now.
Larry	Okay, boys. Thanks.
	The boys walk off, then stop. Stan turns around.
Kyle	Okay. First one to die, loses.
Stan	'K.
Kyle	Okay. [neither one moves]
Stan	O-okay.
Kyle	So, here we go. [puts up his fists]
Stan	'K [puts up his fists]
Kyle	Go. [they lock fists and start fighting]
	The woods. The Aussie leads Mephesto, Agents, Barbrady, and other cops, in a hunt. He runs across a set of tracks.
Aussie	Wait a second. [bends down, picks up some snow and sniffs at it. Cartman imitates] I think he came through here recently.
Cartman	Yeah, I think the same thing.
Agent	Well, where the hell is he? We've got to get him back to the lab.
Dr. Mephesto	He can't function out here in our time!
Aussie	[rising] Calm down, calm down.
Cartman	Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches.
Aussie	Wait! Look!
Dr. Mephesto	Is it him?
Aussie	No! It's a Rocky Mountain rattle snake. [curled up on a stump, it hisses] This is the most poisonous snake in this entire region. [quietly] Now, what I'm gonna do, is carefully sneak up on him, and jam my thumb up his butthole. Crikey! [leaps on the snake] Oh, this snake is really pissed!! I'm gonna jam my thumb in his butthole now! [his thumb sticks high in the air, then drops] Awww, yeah, that pissed it off all right!
Dr. Mephesto	Does he always do this?
Agent	[now cross, in a low voice] Yeah.
Cartman	I'm gonna go jam my thumb in some'in's butthole now.
	The train station. Stan and Kyle are still fighting.
Stan	[punched by Kyle] Ow!
Kyle	[punched in return] Ow! [he throws Stan down]
Stan	Watch my coat, dude.
Kyle	Oh.
Larry	[walks up] I got my ticket.
Stan	Huh? [both look at Larry]
Larry	I have to go to Platform B.
Kyle	[blinks, then] Oh. Okay, it's over this way.
	He leads him there with Stan. Larry takes a seat on a bench, and Stan and Kyle resume fighting.
Aussie	[shows up at the ticket booth with the hunting party] The trail ends here.
Agent	The train station? Then he's trying to go somewhere.
Dr. Mephesto	[to the clerk] Have you seen a man who looks similar to us, but with a thicker brow and an apish nose?
Clerk	What the hell are you talking about?
Dr. Mephesto	An ice man, a man from the past. We must find him. Now, where is he?!
	Platform B. Larry has gotten on the train, and the boys see him off. They get back to fighting.
Larry	Well, this is it. I'm going back to my time. Thanks again, boys.
Stan	[panting] No problem, Gorak.
Kyle	Later.
Larry	You boys have really shown me the true meaning of friendship. You didn't care about anything but my happiness. You put me in front of yourselves, and that's what real friendship is all about.
Stan	Yup.
Kyle	Uh huh.
Larry	After being frozen, I've learned that all a person has in life is family. And friends. If you lose those, you have nothing. So friends are to be treasured, more than anything in the world!
Stan	[panting] Right on.
Kyle	Cool.
Larry	Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, friends!
	The train pulls away. The boys watch it leave, then resume fighting.
Dr. Mephesto	[rushing up] Where is he? Where is Steve?!
	Kyle and Stan butt heads and remain eye-to-eye.
Stan	His... name... is... Gorak!
Kyle	His name... is Steve!
Agent	The train! [it passes the water tower]
Dr. Mephesto	We've got to stop it!
Aussie	No worries. [cocks his rifle and goes after Larry]
Agent	Let's get him! [the party gives chase]
Stan and Kyle	No! [they stay behind, for a moment]
	The hunting party is now on the tracks chasing the train.
Agent	We've gotta stop that train!
Aussie	Come back here, you! [jumps onto the caboose landing]
Kyle	Steve! Steve, look out!
Stan	They're after you!
	Larry looks out his window.
Aussie	Oh, he's a wily one!
	He looks over the railing and sees Larry, then shows him his thumb and smiles.
Larry	Oh, poo!
Kyle	Steve, look out!
	Mephesto and the Agents have reached the engine.
Aussie	[meeting Larry in his car] Notice the dilated pupils of this prehistoric man. A sure sign the prey is frightened. As well as he should be, as I will now jam my thumb up his butthole.
Larry	Huh? [the Aussie pounces on him] Whah?!
Agent	[reaches for the conductor's door] Stop the train!
Conductor	Hey, who are you?
Agent	I said, stop that train!
Conductor	Yes, hello. I see you.
Cartman	They're all movin' pretty fast, but I'll catch up to 'em, by crikey.
	Atop the train, Larry and the Aussie wrestle.
Larry	[pins the Aussie] I've got you pinned. I win.
Aussie	[reverses the pin] Now I've got you pinned. I win!
	On the tracks, Stan and Kyle try to keep up.
Conductor	[ducking gunshots from the Agent] Whoa!
Agent	[a helicopter comes into view and descends] Hey, it's okay! The helicopter is here! [into a communicator] Go get him, boys! [the pilot acknowledges] Cut him off!
Larry	[pinned on his stomach, his butt in the air] Nooo!
Aussie	Now for the coup de gras. I'll just... get my... thumb up... here.
Larry	[lets out a long, painful] Oohh!
	The helicopter lands in front of the train, but the train rolls on.
Pilot	Aah, the train's not stopping. [it gets closer...] It's not stopping! [...and closer...] AAAAAAAA!
	Impact, but the train's the one that gets ruined.
Aussie	[thrown towards the helicopter] Holy bum-!
	The blades chop him up.
Stan	[catching up] Where's Gorak??
Pilot	[steps off the chopper] Wow, that is the God-damnedest thing I've ever seen.
Agent	Where's the ice man?!
Dr. Mephesto	He has to be around here somewhere.
	Larry comes up behind the pilot and takes off in the helicopter.
Kyle	I can't believe he's gone.
Stan	[turns around] Wait, look! The helicopter!
	They reach Mephesto and company.
Kyle	Hey!
Stan	He's alive!
Larry	[on the bullhorn] Good-bye again! I'm off to Des Moines!
Dr. Mephesto	No! Come back! You can't get out! You'll never live!
Larry	I'm not living here! Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends! [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Thank you, Stan and Kyle! See ya!
	He flies off towards the mountains.
Agent	[leaving with his colleagues] Damn! Well, so much for our plan to use the ice man to take over Sweden.
Dr. Mephesto	[following] What?!
Agent	What? Nothing!
Stan	Kyle, Steve was a... pretty good name for that guy.
Kyle	No- Dude, Gorak is cool because it's original. And besides, you found him.
Cartman	[still hunting] Be very very quiet. I'm hunting crocodiles, hahahahahaha.
Stan	[walks off with Kyle] Could we be best friends again? [Cartman stops] I hate having Cartman as a best friend.
Kyle	Me too. He sucks.
Cartman	Oh yeah?! Well I don't need you guys anyways! You guys can kiss my- [turns left and goes Aussie] Aha! There's a king croc right there! [a cow grazing on a tiny patch of grass. Cartman sneaks up] And what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna sneak up on it, and jam my thumb in its-
Cow	Moo!
	The cow sits on Cartman, forcing his gun to the ground, then stands up with Cartman stuck up its ass.
Cartman	Ey! Ey, get me out of here! God-damnit! Ugh. Smells like Kenny's house in here.
	[End of Prehistoric Ice Man. "Stinky Britches" once again: Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches You've got stinky britches]
End of Prehistoric Ice Man