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"Dances with Smurfs/Script" | "Pee/Script" | "Sexual Healing/Script" | 
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Cast
- Stan Marsh
- Kyle Broflovski
- Eric Cartman
- Butters Stotch
- Jimmy Valmer
- Randy Marsh
- Sharon Marsh
- Tester and His Assistant
- Fire Marshal and Firemen
- Police Captain and Officers, including Stevens
- Pi-Pi And His Lawyer
- Researchers
- Minority Men and Women
- Pi Pi's Splashtown Guests
- Councilman and Audience
- Elderly Couple
- Ride operator
- Señor Lopez
- Teacher
Script
| Pee | |
| On the road, day. Cartman is singing. Jimmy looks over the back of the second row of seats in the station wagon. | |
We're going to the water park, | |
| [annoyed] Okay Cartman, you can stop singing now. [his father Randy is driving. The other boys present are Butters, Kenny, and Jimmy] | |
| This is gonna be sooo awesome dude. I haven't been to the water park in like, over a year. | |
| What do you guys wanna do first? I hear they have a new inner tube slide. | |
| No! Dude, we gotta go to the wave pool first. It's so dope, as long as there aren't any minorities. | |
| W-What are you talking about, Eric? | |
| You know, there's always like 5 or 6 minorities wearing their T-shirts in the wave pool, pisses me off. | |
| We're here! It's the water park! [Randy pulls up at the front entrance and drops the boys off.] | |
| Pi Pi's Splashtown. The boys gather at the entrance. | |
| I'm gonna pick you boys up right here at 4:00, you got it? | |
| Come on, let's go! | |
| We got it, Dad. | |
| The ticket booth. | |
| [hands the clerk some money] 6 adorable children, please. | |
| Inside. Cartman runs in and through the interactive fountains. | |
| Wave pool! Wave pool! Waaave pooool! [finally gets to the wave pool, but gets angry] Oh, what the hell?! [the pool is quite crowded with people of all races enjoying themselves. The other five boys catch up to Cartman] | |
| All right, what do you guys wanna ride first? | |
| Well, Cartman said he wanted to do the wave pool first, right Cartman? | |
| [with a stunned look on his face] Forget it! Just forget it! [walks off in anger. The other five are confused] | |
| Pi Pi's New York Splash. The boys tackle that attraction. Cartman isn't with them. | |
| Dude, this is awesome. | |
| You guys wanna see how long I can hold my breath under water? | |
| [stops] Hey fellers, fellas hang on! I've gotta go to the bathroom. [Kenny continues across the pool without the other boys] | |
| Okay, go ahead. [turns back to Stan and Jimmy] | |
| Okay, thanks. [goes to the bathroom right there, no stepping out of the pool or nothing] | |
| I can seriously hold my breath longer than anybody. Somebody time me, all right? | |
| Okay. | |
| All right, [glances back at Butters] check it out- [looks back again and sees what happened.] Butters, BUTTERS! What the fuck?! Are you peeing in the pool?! | |
| You said "go ahead"! | |
| Come on Kyle, let's check out the fireboats. | |
| No, dude. Butters' pee is in there. | |
| Aw, come on. Look at all this water. It doesn't matter if one person pees in it. | |
| Yeah. Come on, Kyle. I'm not the only person who's peed in the pool. Lots of people do. | |
| No they don't! | |
| Yeah, they do, Kyle. | |
| To be perfectly frank, I peed in the pool about 25 seconds ago. | |
| Dude! | |
| Come on, show us how long you can hold your breath. | |
| NO! | |
| In another part of the park, Cartman stands alone near a gazebo as people move past him this way and that. Montage, part 1: Cartman is now in the wave pool, then he wanders around the park, then he's singing at a signpost, then he's back near the wave pool, looking at the crowd in there, then he faces the camera, then he walks back to the park entrance, then tugs at a cop's shirt only to find that the copy is a member of a minority group, then he's back at the signpost, then he's at an artificial beach looking for a place to sit, then he's in line for Pele's Revenge, then he's annoyed and lazing about in an inner tube at the Lazy River, then he's waiting to enter the Lost River of the King Tut. | |
What has happened to this place? | |
| At the Zip Line Ride. Cartman is waiting for the car he's in to start moving. | |
| Guarden los brazos y piernas dentro del paseo- | |
| Just do it in English! | |
| Back to the montage. Cartman walks around some more, then he's back at the wave pool looking at it, then some colored lights in the background, then he's on bended knee on a bluff overlooking the park. | |
There are too many minorities (too many) | |
| Pi Pi's Snack Shack, later. The other five boys are eating hamburgers. | |
| After this, you guys wanna hit the hurricane slides? | |
| You bet! | |
| I'm not getting back in the water. | |
| Aw, come on, Kyle. | |
| Dude, I just found out that everybody pees in pools. Why would I go back? | |
| Not everybody pees in pools. | |
| Do you pee in the pool? | |
| Not today... yet. | |
| Aw, come on! | |
| Well, dude, what are you gonna do? Just hang out here at the table all day? | |
| Most likely. | |
| [running up to the boys] You guys! You guys, we have got problems of Biblical proportions! | |
| Dude, where have you been? | |
| I've been counting. Do you know there are 205 Mexicans here? And there are a 190 black people! | |
| So what? | |
| So?! Guess how many white people are at the water park today? 143! There are actually more minorities here than us! | |
| Well then they're not minorities, are they? | |
| ...What do you mean? | |
| Dumbass, if there's 60% of them to 40% of us, then who's the minority?! | |
| The black and brown people. | |
| No, you're the minority! | |
| Do I look like a minority to you, stupid?! Now look guys, I did some calculations: just last year, there were almost 90% normal people to minorities. That's a 50% rise in one, year! | |
| This is more math than I've ever seen you do. | |
| Because it's important! A 50% rise each year means that in 3 years the world will be only... minorities. That's 2012! The Mayans predicted this! | |
| The who? | |
| The Mayans! They knew that minorities would take over the world by the year 2012! And now it's happening! | |
| I'm gonna go on the slides. | |
| Whoopie! [Stan, Butters, Jimmy, and Kenny take their leave] | |
| You guys! You guys have to do something to stop this! Come on! [only Kyle is left at the table, and Cartman remembers this and slowly turns to him] Well, looks like at least you've got some sense left in you, Kyle. So what are we gonna do to keep the Mayan's prediction from coming true, buddy? | |
| Blow it out your ass, Cartman! [leaves the table without taking a bite from his hamburger. He walks by an elderly couple in a pool] | |
| Eugene, that is disgusting! Did you just pee in the pool? | |
| Aw, come on, look how big this pool is. One person peeing in it isn't gonna hurt anything. | |
| Ewww! [walks away quickly. Nearby, a man takes a water sample] | |
| Oh my God. | |
| The park's main office. The water tester and his assistant are at the office with Pi-Pi and a lawyer. Behind Pi-Pi is a picture window, and outside that is the Drop Zone!! attraction. | |
| Ah, gentlemen, I am da Pi-Pi. How can I help you? | |
| Pi-Pi, we have some dire news concerning your water park. | |
| I've just finished some tests. The water in your park is now 98% pee. | |
| Yes, uhso whatsuh is the problem? | |
| Pi-Pi, you know that acceptable pee levels in any water park is 83%. [with some urgency] You have to shut down. | |
| What?! I can'tuh close down now, it'she my biggest-a weekend. Everyone is having a-theh fun. | |
| You're endangering people's lives! [shows him the test results] If those pee levels hit 100%, there's no telling what'll happen! | |
| And what proof... do you have that the pee levels will go up? | |
| One in three people admit they pee in pools. Add another for people who do but don't admit it; that's 2 in 3. You've got just over 500 out there; that's 332 people about to pee in your water! | |
| Gehntlemen, please-a. I come-a from ada Venice. [shows off a real life picture of a canal in Venice] Venice is almost all pee. And we doin' just fine. We swim-a in the pee, we sing-a in the pee. You can't barge in here and tell me thuh, that I have to close down just because my wahter park has-a too much pee. | |
| You have to evacuate people now! | |
| He said he's not doing it! And as his lawyer I advise you gentlemen to leave and take your wild pee theories with you! | |
| [now at the door with his assistant about to leave] If one more person urinates in your pool, it could set off a chain reaction. Then the pee will be on your hands. [they leave] | |
| The wave pool, later. The water is now green. | |
| Oh b-hoy, the waves are starting up again! | |
| This is sweet, huh Kenny? [Kenny, who's facing away from the camera, doesn't say anything. A girl in an inner tube floats past the boys, then stops and lets loose some pee. Sure enough, the ground begins to rumble and shake.] | |
| W-What's that? [Explosions of pee come out of every ride, overrunning them all. A huge pee wave rises over the park and swamps it, destroying every structure. An unlucky slider is swept down in a rush of pee. A woman loses her baby as the wave strikes her back. The pee tsunami sweeps across the Mt. Everest attraction. A statue of a man scaling the mountain falls off] | |
| (shrieks) | |
| It's pee! [turns to run from it] | |
| Look out for the pee! [Kyle, who's playing a Zombie Fighter video game, looks back to see what's all the commotion. The pee-nami hits the New York Splash attraction, mowing down its structures] | |
| Aaaaah! GROSS! [leaves the game and makes a run for it. A volcano blows up and chunks of lava drop all over the place. The wave pool gets unstable, threatening to throw people out with its wild waves] | |
| [holding on to the sign post] Aaaaa, it's-a the peeee! [the signpost breaks off and both man and post are swept away by the pee. Stan, Butters, and Jimmy climb up the Mr. Everest sign] | |
| [swept away] Aaaah! | |
| [in a shaky voice] Aaaah! [stops and looks at the pee, and sees a familiar boy floating in the water, face down] OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY! | |
| [running up some stairs in Drop Zone!!] Aw, sick! [the pee below him is rising] | |
| Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, some time later. Firefighters have arrived on the scene of the destroyed water park. | |
| I want that entire water park contained and quarantined until I get some answers. [Randy quickly arrives in his station wagon and runs up to the captain] | |
| What's going on? | |
| I told you people to keep civilians back! | |
| Sir, please, my son is in there! What's happened? | |
| We don't know yet, all right?! There's been a pee breach and a lot of people are dead. Now I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to- | |
| Captain, these two men claim to know the situation. [the water tester and his assistant walk into view] | |
| We warned the owner of the park, but he refused to shut down. This was inevitable. | |
| So this is all pee-related? | |
| Yes, I... tested the pH levels this morning. | |
| And? | |
| It was almost all pee, no H. | |
| Oh my God. I've gotta help him! [starts to run to the gate, but the captain catches him and pulls him back.] | |
| Stay BACK! | |
| You can't just leave my son in there with all that pee! | |
| Sir, it's possible with a crane we could help any survivors out. | |
| I think that would be a very bad idea. | |
| And why is that? | |
| Anyone inside there is contaminated. We have reason to believe that when people are exposed to that much pee, they... change. | |
| Change how? | |
| All right uh brubring in, bring in the monkey. [a researcher wheels in a monkey who's been shackled to a dolly] We've only tested the theory on monkeys so far. This monkey is healthy and normal in every way, but now, watch. [unzips his pants and turns to face the monkey, then starts peeing on it. He first pees on the chest, no reaction. He moves the stream up to the monkey's face and the monkey begins to protest. The monkey tries to escape the pee stream, but the tester just keeps the stream on it as best he can.] | |
| My God! He's become full of rage! | |
| Back in the pee-filled water park, Jimmy, Butters, and Stan stand on the Mt. Everest attraction. Kyle is on what remains of the Drop Zone!! sign, but it moves a little, sinking a bit. | |
| Aahhh... | |
| [on a small plateau on the attraction] Kyle, quick! You've gotta swim over to us! | |
| No way! | |
| You've gotta swim over here, Kyle. | |
| Come on, Kyle! | |
| Dude, that's all pee! | |
| Well if you don't swim in it you're gonna die! | |
| I'll die if I do swim in it! | |
| Kyle, it's just pee! It's not that big a deal! | |
| Yes it is a big deal! Why do you think everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom?! | |
| [hesitantly] ...Well, not everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom. | |
| ..WHAT? | |
| Come on, dude, you've gotta swim. | |
| You don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom! | |
| Not... all the time. | |
| That is gross!! | |
| Why? It's not like you're peeing on your hands! There's more germs on most furniture than there is in pee! | |
| Yeah, if anything you should wash your hands before you touch your wiener! [the sign drops further into the yellow urine] | |
| Kyle, come on! | |
| Ah, goddamnit! [climbs down the sign and into the pee. He holds his face high up as much as he can as he swims across] Haaa. Ohhhh. Ahh, ohh, uhh, agh, [He climbs up and joins his friends on the plateau. He pants, dripping with pee] | |
| Do you need to wash your hands? | |
| The lake of pee. Cartman hangs on to a styrofoam ice chest. | |
| Help! Help! | |
| Here! Hey kid, grab this stick! [a branch hangs off a Floom Zoom boat] | |
| Yes! Yes help me! Yes, help me I'm just a little boy! You have to help me! [grabs onto the branch and is hoisted onto the boat. He catches his breath] Oh, oh, oh. [sits up and looks around - it's all minorities in the boat] | |
| Are you okay? | |
| Haa-aa. Yes, thank you. | |
| Well what are we gonna do now? | |
| We've gotta just wait it out. | |
| Yeah, but for how long? | |
| We need to find somethin' to paddle with. | |
| [pulls out a memo pad and pen and writes the following] Day one. It has happened. The Mayans were right. The only thing they got wrong was the date. It is 2009, and I appear to be the last of my species alive. Now it's just me, all alone, with minorities. What will the minorities do with me? I'm sure that's what's on all of their minds. I have to make myself seem useful to them or they will surely not let me live. [puts the pad and pen away somewhere...] Does anyone need medical help? I am a doctor. [the other survivors just look at him] | |
| The Marsh house. Sharon is on the phone in the living room while Shelly looks on from the kitchen doorway. | |
| Randy, Randy, calm down. I can't understand what you're saying. | |
| It's the pee! It's all pee, and nobody can go in or out! | |
| What is all pee? | |
| Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot. | |
| Sharon, the water park had a pee meltdown! They think a lot of people have died. | |
| What?! What about Stan?! Is he okay?! | |
| I don't know! The whole water park has been quarantined! They're worried anyone left alive could be... sssome kind of raging, hate-filled mutants. | |
| Randy, you've got to do something! | |
| Calm down, Sharon, all right?! [shakes his head vigorously] Calm down! They're trying to find an antidote. Once they believe they can neutralize the enraging effects of the pee, they'll, they'll go in to look for survivors. | |
| [on the phone with someone] I said keep the media out! If the public hears about this we'll have a full-scale panic on our hands! [hangs up] Damn it where is that antidote?! | |
| [with red hair] Here! Here! We think we have it, sir! [three researchers walk into view] It's the best we could come up with in such a short time! We aren't sure of the ramifications, but it does appear to neutralize some particles of the urine. | |
| All right, let's test it. Bring in the monkeys! [three monkeys are wheeled in on dollies] | |
| Let's hope to Christ this works. [each researcher takes a monkey and injects it with the antidote. Then they start peeing on the monkeys, and the monkeys protest almost immediately] No, damn it, no! | |
| They're still angry. | |
| This one's really angry. | |
| It's out of control! [quickly takes a gun from a police officer and shoots the middle monkey first, then the one on the left, then the one on the right. All of them die.] Find an antidote that works! [the researchers leave] | |
| Stan, Jimmy, Kyle, and Butters make their way down the Mt. Everest attraction as the pee recedes. | |
| Dude, why the hell aren't people coming to help us? | |
| I don't know. [they hear the sobs of a crying man nearby] | |
| Why? Why didn't Pi-Pi leesten? They tried to warn-a the Pi-Pi, but-a the Pi-Pi not-a belieeve them. [sobs some more. The boys approach him] | |
| Who are you? | |
| [stands up and faces them] Oh I, I'm so sohhry. This all-eh my fault. I should've-a shut my water park-a down when it reached-a 90% pee. | |
| Yeah, well people should [looks at Stan and Butters] know that peeing in pools is [looks at Jimmy] bad! | |
| But wait-a. Maybe you boys-a can help-a Pi-Pi. In-a the maintenance room-a there's the emergency release-a valve-a. If you open it, all this pee can be lowered. | |
| Okay. W-where's the maintenance room? | |
| That is-a the problem. The maintenance room is a way down on the basement-a level. I would do it but-a Pi-Pi is-a no good at-a swimming. Somebody will have to dive-a down into the pee, then stay there to turn the release-a wheel. So, who can hold their breath-a the longest? [Stan, Butters and Jimmy all look at Kyle, who looks back at them] | |
| [spreads his arms in refusal] NO! | |
| You said you could hold your breath the longest, Kyle. | |
| Not in pee! | |
| [grabs Kyle by the left wrist and pulls him away from his friends] Please-a you have to hurry! [lets go] I'll draw you-a the map, and instructions how to shut off-a the valve-a. It'll be as easy as-a peeing in the shower. | |
| [looks back at the other boys] Oh, who pees in the shower?! | |
| ...Well, it's not like if you suddenly have to pee, you're gonna get out of the shower. | |
| Well, yeah, seeing all that running water always makes me need to pee. | |
| You don't pee in the shower, dude. That's fucking disgusting! | |
| Boys-a please-a, we've got to get this-a boy to the drainage-a valve-a or we're all-a gonna die! | |
| Jesus Christ! | |
| Adrift in the Floom Zoom on Pi Pi Lake. Cartman whips out his memo pad and starts writing again. | |
| It has been many, many hours since the Apocalypse, and all I keep thinking is "Why me? Why am I the only one of my race God chose to survive in this minority-run world?" When the smoke has cleared I'm sure the minorities will start rebuilding, building the world... in their way. I can see it now. Nooo... [imagines himself in class with a bunch of non-white students] | |
| [A black man] All right, Eric Cartman, let's hear your book report. | |
| I read Treasure Island, because I was so happy when I saw that movie. | |
| Hey! You're living in a minority-speaking country now! Say it right! | |
| ...because I was so happy when I seen that movie. | |
| Good. | |
| Noooo... [now imagines himself at a job interview] Trying to find a job will be even harder. | |
| You don't expect to make the same amount of money that minorities make, do ya? | |
| Well, I do just as much work. | |
| [laughs] You're trash around here. You'll never make as much as a minority. | |
| Noooo... [now imagines himself at an open council meeting] Eventually the minorities will do away with me altogether. | |
| All those in favor of putting white people in camps? | |
| Aye! | |
| All those opposed? | |
| Noooo... | |
| The minorities win! [Cartman comes out of his daydream] | |
| [throws down his pad and pen and stands up] NO! No I don't wanna live in your world, do you understand?! Your world is cold and devoid of any humanity! Just kill me! Kill me now! DO IT! [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut.] | |
| The Mt. Everest attraction. Pi-Pi prepares Kyle for the descent to the basement. Kyle holds a piece of white paper and an index card. | |
| Okay, there. We are almost-a ready for the diving-a. Now if you run into any da problems you just tug-a three times on the cable and the Pi-Pi will-a pull you back-a to the surface. | |
| Let's just get this over with! | |
| You've got-a the map and-a Pi-Pi's instructions? | |
| Yes. | |
| Good-a. Now just one last thing. [takes a glass jar sitting next to him and scoops some pee into it] You need to drink-a some pee. | |
| What?! | |
| You just need to drink about-a three cups of pee. | |
| Why?! | |
| You swim-a down deep in the pee, you get-a the pressure, the bendza. You have to fill-a inside your body with some-a pee to compensate. | |
| That's true dude. Didn't you see The Abyss? | |
| [drops the papers on the ground] I am not, NOT, drinking pee! | |
| But only you can hold-a the breath a long time, just swim down and-a release the valve! If-eh you don't you get-a the benza, then you fail and we all-a die! | |
| Just drink the pee, Kyle. | |
| Please, Kyle, I wanna go home. | |
| What's-a the problem? When-a you pee either in the toilet or in the shower it all goes to the sewer. The sewer all goes-a to the ocean, the ocean is the water we all drink, we are always drinking-a the pee! | |
| That doesn't make me feel better! I wouldn't even be able to keep it down! | |
| Sure you will, you drank only pee for 9 months when you lived-a in your mother's belly. | |
| No! | |
| Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, afternoon. | |
| Make way! Make way! I need to speak to the fire marshal! Sir! Sir, I just got off the phone with my colleagues at the university! They've also been testing antidotes on monkeys! They're claiming that they've had success using simple Musa acuminata. | |
| [balding, with gray hair] Wait, you mean a banana. | |
| Yes. | |
| Is it possible... the antidote is something as simple as a banana? Get another monkey! [another monkey is brought forth strapped to a dolly] All right, Connors. [Officer Connors offers a banana to the monkey, who takes a bite of it after a few seconds. A researcher steps up and starts peeing on the monkey. The monkey doesn't mind it, but just takes another bite of the banana.] | |
| Holy God, it works! | |
| All right, let's start moving in, everyone! Check the- | |
| Hold on, ih it is a promising lead, but this antidote hasn't yet been tested on a human. | |
| I'll do it. [the officers and firefighters make way for Randy.] You can test the antidote on me. [two researchers take Randy and sit him down in the dolly, then strap him in.] | |
| [walks up to Randy] You sure you want to do this? | |
| Give me the banana. [the balding researcher walks to him and gives him the banana. Randy takes a bite. The fire marshal unzips his pants and starts peeing on Randy's face.] Ugh. Awgh. Aaagh! Awwwwgh! Awwgh, wagh. [tries his best to keep his cool, but shakes his head] Aww, ooogh, Aaaaaaaah. | |
| He looks agitated... | |
| Aaaaaahhh. Aw, awww. | |
| He's losing it! Stevens, your gun! [Stevens moves to hand his gun to the fire marshal] | |
| No, wait, wait! Ugh. Eugh. I... I'm okay. | |
| He's all right! | |
| The banana worked! | |
| The Mt. Everest attraction. Kyle is still up top holding the glass of pee, not daring to drink it. | |
| Come on, dude! | |
| I'm thinking about it! | |
| Well, it's probably bu-better if you don't think about it, Kyle. | |
| There's no more time-a. You have to drink-a the pee NOW! [Kyle begins to drink it, then stops] | |
| Gah, ah. [swallows once more] Gaagh. | |
| Come on, you have to drink aaall-a the peeeee. | |
| You can do it, Kyle! | |
| Aaahh. Well- [gulps down the rest of the glass and throws the glass away] AAAAH! [the glass breaks on a boulder off screen] | |
| All right, now you can open the release-a valve. Okay, so let's-a- [some helicopters are heard approaching] | |
| [points to them] Hey, look! [the helicopters are shown. Randy looks out from one of them] | |
| [waving a small red shoe] Stan! [steps aside so the firefighters can drop down a rope ladder] | |
| All right, they finally came for us. [he, Butters and Jimmy have wide smiles] | |
| [infuriated] ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? [more rope ladders drop down from the other helicopters as the rescuers cheer] | |
| Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, afternoon. Paramedics check out the survivors. The camera pans right to show Randy walking with Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, and Butters. | |
| [stops] Wait here a minute, Stan, I'm gonna call your mother. [walks away] | |
| Guys? Guys! [walks into view and hugs Stan] Oh it's true! You all did survive! | |
| Hawww, you lived? | |
| Oh my God, you guys! I really thought I was the only non-minority on Earth! How many of our species survived? | |
| That wasn't the Mayan apocalypse, you racist idiot. | |
| It wasn't? So then, you mean... we do have until 2012. Well, it may be only 3 years, but... I intend to live those precious years to the fullest! | |
| Will somebody just get me to a hospital? I need to get my stomach pumped! | |
| Aw come on. It was just a little pee, Kyle. | |
| Goddamnit, don't you get it?! I hate pee! I'm grossed out by pee! The only thing I find more disgusting than pee is bananas! | |
| All right everyone, quick! Here you go! | |
| What's this? | |
| You all need to eat your banana immediately! | |
| What the hell for?! | |
| [cocks his gun and aims it at Kyle] Eat the banana or we have to put you down! [Kyle furiously yells] | |
| End of Pee | |
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|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Story Elements |
Pi-Pi • Pi Pi's Splashtown • "Minorities at my Water Park" • "We're Going to the Water Park" | ||||
| Media |
Images • Script • Watch Episode | ||||
| Release | |||||