O Canada (Quest)/Script

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Script

"Heading North/Script"

"O Canada (Quest)/Script"

"Beat Up Clyde/Script"

Cast[]

Script[]

O Canada (Quest)

	Upon starting the Heading North quest, the New Kid attempts to leave the royal palace, only to be stopped by a gift shop owner
Gift shop owner	Hold it right there! Here are your photos with the Prince and Princess. Would you like two 8x10s or six 5x7s?
	The New Kid makes his choice
Gift shop owner	All right, there you go. You can exit right through there.
Combat buddy	Nah, I would have picked the <other size>.
	The New Kid travels to Winnipeg and speaks to the Earl. The Earl takes the notes from the Unplanned Parenthood clinic and reads it
Earl of Winnipeg	Ah yes, This writing is definitely Canadian. But why should I help a foreigner when Winnipeg is completely overrun with dire bears?! Tell you what, kill off all the dire bears in the north part of town and I'll help you however I can!
	The New Kid travels to the north part of town and kills the dire bears. He then returns to the Earl, who now has the heads of three dire bears on his desk.
Earl of Winnipeg	By jove, you done it! Look at all these dire bear pelts! Now I can finally make a dire robe! Alright, give me that document. [takes the note once again] Hmm, yes. This is actually written in the language of Eastern Canadian. The Minister of Montreal can translate it. But I'm afraid the Prince has imprisoned the Minister of Montreal in the caverns of Quebec. I will speak with the prince. Return to him and he should let you speak with the minister. [returns the note, and the New Kid takes his leave] Boy, oh boy. I will have the most dire robe in all of Canada.
	The New Kid returns to the Prince of Canada
Prince of Canada	There you are! I understand you wish me to release the Minister of Montreal. I'd like to help you, but I think this might be another ploy by the Bishop of Banff to have Montreal allowed back into the kingdom!
Royal guard	Some Canadians think our nation should be united again, my Lord!
	The Prince stares at the royal guard, before slapping him.
Prince of Canada	Shut up! Who are fuck are you?! [turns to the New Kid] Listen, it's all because the Bishop of Banff is a liberal. He does these things just to make life difficult for me. I must ask you to perform another noble quest: go to Banff and kill the Bishop.
Princess of Canada	[gasps] Kill the Bishop of Banff?!
Prince of Canada	Shhh, you, shhh. Kill the Bishop of Banff for me, and bring his balls as proof. Do this and I shall allow you into the Catacombs of Quebec. Make haste!
	The New Kid travels to Banff and meets the Bishop
Bishop of Banff	Praise Christ. Praise God. Praise God and Christ.
Bishop of Banff	The Prince thinks Canada is a monarchy! But there's other people with opinions by God! Sorry, God.
	If the New Kid farts on the Bishop.
Bishop of Banff	Ah! A Canadian "Hail Mary"!
	The New Kid attacks the Bishop
Bishop of Banff	What's this?! Who the fuck hits a bishop?!
	The New Kid now enters combat against the Bishop
	When the Bishop receives damage
Bishop of Banff	He knows not what he does.
Bishop of Banff	Remember the golden rule.
	Once the Bishop is defeated, he will lay down beside the New Kid and try to talk the latter out of killing him
Bishop of Banff	Okay! Okay, whoa whoa whoa! Please, you don't have to kill me! I'll go away, the Prince will never know I'm alive! Please! [pulls out a pair of dire pig testicles] Take these dire pig testicles, and tell the prince they're mine.
	At this point, the New Kid gets to choose whether to spare the Bishop and take the dire pig testicles, or kill the Bishop and take his own testicles anyway.
	If the New Kid chooses to spare the Bishop
Bishop of Banff	Bless you, my son! It'll be our secret. Wow, good thing I saved these.
Butters	[sniffles] Poor dire pig.
Cartman	Aw, come on dude. We should take his balls anyway, so we have extra.
Kenny	<>
Kyle	A noble decision, Commander. I knew I was right to trust you.
Stan	Wow, those are some dire balls. I'm gonna let you keep holding those.
The Bard	Maybe those aren't dire pig testicles at all. Maybe they're fake the pig gave the bishop.
	If the New Kid chooses to kill the Bishop
Bishop of Banff	Agh!
Butters	Maybe if we replace his balls with the pigs' balls he'll come back to life again.
Cartman	Yes, awesome work with the balls! You think the prince will let us keep them?
Kenny	(Oh my god!)
Kyle	Well, it's for the greater good that we cut off his balls, I guess.
Stan	Sick, dude! I hope that's the last time we have to cut off somebody's balls.
The Bard	Wow, you're the real ball buster, Commander Douchebag.
	The New Kid returns to the Prince of Canada
Prince of Canada	Is he dead? Did you kill him? [takes the testicles] Yay, the Bishop's balls! Now religion won't interfere with government! How can we ever repay you?
Princess of Canada	You said you would free the Minister of Montreal, my Lord.
Prince of Canada	Sorry, no can do. With both the Bishop and the Minister taken care of, my throne is secure.
Princess of Canada	But, my liege, we made a promise.
Prince of Canada	[turns to the Princess and hushes her] Shhh, you, shhh.
	The Prince takes his leave, still holding onto the testicles. The Princess then approaches the New Kid
Princess of Canada	Quickly. You must speak with the Duke of Vancouver. He can help you get into the Catacombs of Quebec. Give the Duke this. [passes a letter to the New Kid] Hurry now!
	The Princess returns to her throne, queefing once more. The New Kid now travels to Vancouver and finds the Duke speaking onto a phone
Duke of Vancouver	Yes, yes I know. But Ottawa is clear on the other side of Canada! How are we supposed to get there?! Uh huh. Yes, I see. Oh wow. No I didn't know that. Yes, go on. Yeah, I hate that guy too. Uh huh, no I haven't seen that show, is it good?
	The New Kid approaches the Duke and passes him the Princess' letter
Duke of Vancouver	A letter from the princess? [reads it] What the... why, according to this, the Prince had something to do with the Bishop's murder and has imprisoned the Minister unjustly! Young man, if you wish to brave the Catacombs of Quebec, you would have to speak with the monks who lives to the southeast of town. Only they could train you in such sorcery.
	The New Kid travels southeast, past a port, to a large wooden house, and finds Terrance and Phillip.
Terrance	Who are you?
Phillip	Perhaps he is the American everyone is talking aboot, Terrance.
Terrance	Nah, can't be. He can't be a master of spellcraft, he doesn't even know magic.
Phillip	He probably doesn't even know how to fart.
	The New Kid performs Dragonshout in front of Terrance and Phillip.
Phillip	Ho! He knows Dragonshout!
Terrance	Any magician's apprentice can Dragonshout. It's not like he farted into his hand and hit you in the face with it, Phillip.
	The New Kid performs Cup-A-Spell in front of Terrance and Phillip.
Terrance	My god! He can cup a spell!
Phillip	If he's really good, how come he can't sneak a fart behind your face?
	The New Kid performs Sneaky Squeaker in front of Terrance and Phillip.
Phillip	The Sneaky Squeaker! Very impressive. He is worthy of our training after all.
Terrance	Yes, prepare thyself, child. It is time for you to learn some true magic.
	Terrance and Phillip farts on the New Kid, rendering the latter unconscious. The New Kid then finds himself in a completely blank dimension
Phillip	Your magic is impressive, young American.
	Terrance and Phillip now appears in The Matrix-esque outfits
Phillip	Not since Eric von Thunderpants of Nova Scotia have we seen such prowess.
Terrance	But now, you must learn to control your anus muscles in just the right way to change a spell's frequency.
	A concrete wall appears
Phillip	Some objects seem too large to be damaged by magic. But now, I will break through it with, Nagasaki!
	Phillip executes this new magic spell, and the wall breaks apart. Another wall appears
Phillip	Here, watch again
	At this point, the player is shown a few mouse and keyboard instructions to execute the magic spell correctly. The player will need to follow the instructions when prompted. Phillip makes another demonstration, breaking the wall once again. A new wall appears for the New Kid to try out the new spell
Terrance	Now you try. Believe in yourself!
	The player is now prompted to follow the instructions. The New Kid successfully executes the new spell
Terrance	That's it! Now let us see how Nagasaki works in battle!
	Three Canadians appear
Phillip	These three pedophiles from Alberta will have their way with you unless you damage them all in one move.
Terrance	Nagasaki!
	The New Kid executes the spell once more, and the three Canadians are blown away, while Terrance and Phillip share a good laugh.
Phillip	That's it! You have the power!
	The New Kid wakes up from the dimension
Terrance	You did it! Now go out and use your anus for the good of mankind.
Phillip	And don't ever, ever fart on a man's balls.
	The New Kid travels to the Catacombs of Quebec. The Minister of Montreal is seen at the dead end of the cavern.
Minister of Montreal	Oui, oui, oui! Cela est mauvais! Allo? Au secours!
	The New Kid finds a large boulder blocking the cavern. He uses the Nagasaki spell and breaks through
Cartman	That's good. Someday I will teach you to do better.
	Next, the New Kid encounters a group of dire animals and defeats them. He approaches the Minister of Montreal
	If the New Kid farts on the Minister before speaking to him.
Minister of Montreal	Un pet de joyeux.
	The New Kid speaks to the Minister and passes the note to him
Minister of Montreal	Je suis libre! Je suis libre! Oh, ne vous besoin de quelque chose traduit? Ok. [starts writing on the note] Cela se traduit par cela... cela se traduit par cela... voilà! Bonjour! Merci beaucoup! [takes his leave]
End of O Canada (Quest)