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{{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Well what do they want me to do about it?}}
 
{{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Well what do they want me to do about it?}}
 
{{ScriptDialog|Second General|You're the leader of the free world. Everyone's looking to you to be the call and steady voice they all need.}}
 
{{ScriptDialog|Second General|You're the leader of the free world. Everyone's looking to you to be the call and steady voice they all need.}}
{{ScriptDialog|Army Soldier|[salutes] Mr. President? Mr. President, the Isreali prime minister is on Line 1, the chanslor of Germany is on Line 2, and a Mr. Slave is on Line 3.}}
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{{ScriptDialog|Army Soldier|[salutes] Mr. President? Mr. President, the Isreali prime minister is on Line 1, the chancellor of Germany is on Line 2, and a Mr. Slave is on Line 3.}}
 
{{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Mr. Slave? [picks up the phone on Line 3] This is the President.}}
 
{{ScriptDialog|Garrison|Mr. Slave? [picks up the phone on Line 3] This is the President.}}
 
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Slave|[talks at his house while looking at his fingernails] Hey, what's up?}}
 
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Slave|[talks at his house while looking at his fingernails] Hey, what's up?}}

Revision as of 17:23, 5 December 2016


Cast

Script

Template:Script

Not Funny
In front of Park County Police Station. A crowd gets riled up while Harrison starts a speech.
Harrison
Everyone calm down, please. We have to have civil order. Listen to me.
[crowd stops chattering]
Unknown person
Really?
Harrison
Now I know everyone's scared, but we have to keep control. Yes all of our emails and Internet histories are about to become public knowledge.
[crowd chatters]
Harrison
[raises his arms] But, but,
[crowd stops]
Harrison
we all need to understand that TrollTrace will never happen if people don't log on to use it. The website is a massive database that cross-references everything ever said on the Internet. It relies on people typing in a name and address of someone else [lays arms on stand] to add to that database. If we could all agree to resist the urge to look up other people's Internet histories, [looks at Maggie] Maggie, okay? As long as we all respect each other's privacy, darling, [looks straight ahead] then our town won't suffer the same fate as Fort Collins.
Stephen
And what are the police gonna do to make sure people don't use it?! I know I'll certainly respect others' privacy, but about other people like [points at Laura] Laura Tucker the Blabbermouth?
Laura
Excuse me?
Harrison
And that's why we have to come together as a community, and resist any temptation to use TrollTrace, [looks at Maggie] Maggie. We have to stay in control. [looks in front of him] This hack of our city will never happen, so long as we rely on the rationality and the basic decency of the American people.
[crowd panics and runs away]
Harrison
Guess I could've worded that differently.
Kyle's room. Kyle sits on bed with his head lowered while Sheila stands near the doorway.
Sheila
[yells] What were you thinking?! How dare you outright defy me like that! Your brother was being punished for using the computer and you decide to just leave with him?
Kyle
I just felt bad for him, ma.
Sheila
You felt bad for him, after all the horrible things he said to people online?! Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle! You just wait until your father gets home! [leaves the room and closes the door]
Ike's room. Ike sits on his bed miserably. He suddenly gets a Skype call from Gerald. Ike goes to his computer and accepts the call.
Gerald
Ike, where the fuck have you been?! Daddy needs your help. You don't want Mommy and Daddy to get divorced, do you? [paces] You know how bad your mom is, she completely overreacts to everything. That's where your brother gets it from. You don't want to be like Kyle, do you?
Kyle
[goes in front of the computer] Hi dad.
Gerald
[gets shocked] Hey, buddy! Everything good there?
Kyle
It was you, this whole time. You're the troll that caused all of this trouble.
Gerald
No, it was your brother. I don't know what's wrong with him, Kyle. He needs counseling...
Kyle
Heidi Turner did an emoji analysis. It was an adult. It was you.
Gerald
[starts talking right before Kyle finished] Shh, shh. Shh, shh. Okay, keep your voice down.
Kyle
[talks softly] Why dad? Why did you do this?
Gerald
Because it's fucking funny, Kyle. It's called having a sense of humor, and laughing. You should fucking try it once in a while!
Kyle
Putting a penis in the mouth of a mom who has cancer is funny?!
Gerald
Because it's so not funny, God! Pushing people's buttons to get a reaction can actually be very good for society, Kyle. Listen to me, the Danish are fucking crazy. You have to get people to stop them.
Kyle
How?!
Gerald
Go get people riled up. Call the President. I don't know. When you push people's buttons, they go and push other people's buttons. Now get out there and... [ends call]
Sheila
[enters Ike's room and yells] Kyle, Ike! What the hell is this?! What did I say?! Get off of that computer riiight nooooow!
Ike
[puts his head down]
Outside of SpaceX. SpaceX is surrounded by a barb-wired gate in which a crowd of people get riled up behind it, with some trying to climb.
Secretary
Uh everyone, please listen! We don't have any rockets going to Mars! Yo-you're not listening! We don't have the energy requirements figured out yet. We're working as hard as we can. There's a little girl working on the people right now and apparently she's incredibly smart and funny.
SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations.
Cartman
[walks to Heidi with mug] You got it figured out yet, babe?
Heidi
[grabs mug] Babe, I have no idea what any of this means.
Cartman
Heidi, yes you do. You just have to get over yourself. Come on, say it. Say it.
Heidi
Girls rule, women are funny, get over it.
Cartman
[does a one-sided hug on Heidi] Get over it, baby. Stop holding yourself back.
Heidi
[sighs]
Elon Musk
Uh excuse me. Sorry, can we have a word please?
Cartman
[yells at Elon Musk] What the fuck do you want?! [talks to Heidi] Hang on, babe. [runs towards Elon Musk]
Elon Musk
This doesn't seem like it's gonna work out and we're rather busy.
Cartman
Just give her a chance. [turns around] She's the smartest, funniest girl on Earth.
Elon Musk
I haven't really heard her say anything funny.
Cartman
Yeah, [points at his own head] that's because you have a mental block, Elon Musk. [lowers his arm] They won't let you get over yourself.
Butters
[sits on chair, watching the conversation] He-heyeah! Don't worry about Heidi, she's a hoot.
Cartman
[faces Butters with a mad face]
TrollTrace: vault. The vault door gets unlocked.
Dick
Here they come.
[Dane 2 opens the door as Bedrager, Dane 1, Dane 4, and him enter. The trolls stand up]
Gerald
Oh thank god. There's been a mistake, okay?! I'm not one of [points at the other trolls] them. My son is Skankhunt42. Go online and see, he's still doing it!
Dane 2
[points a gun at the trolls]
Bedrager
All of you, remove your clothes.
Anonymous821
What are you gonna do with us?
Bedrager
Remove your clothes now!
[the trolls strip themselves naked]
TrollTrace: Observatory room. The entrance door opens.
Dane 2
[enters] In here, move.
[trolls enter the room in a line where they are put on separate chairs, handcuffed]
Gerald
[gets frieghtened] Oh god! Oh god, they're gonna [gets kicked by Dane 5] kill us! No no, wait! Okay okay, it was me! You're right, I'm Skankhunt! But I am not like them. Please, [gets put on a chair] I have a good job! I'm a good guy! [gets handcuffed] I'm sorry! [sighs heavily] I was just being funny! I was trying to make people laugh! [sees the Danes leaving the room] That's a positive thing, right?! I wasn't doing it to hurt people, I was just doing comedy. It's different! Please, it's different!
[the door closes]
South Park Church. Maxi makes a speech to people praying.
Maxi
Lord, we look to thee on this to our most trouble hour. We have been let astray and now all we could do is wait for the inevitable to happen. Soon everything we have said and done online is going to be known to all. Many lives will be turned upside down. Of course, I have nothing to worry about; since I'm a priest, there's nothing I'm ashamed of doing on the Internet, so [turns a page] definitely no reason to look up my history. But uh for many, this is a time to pray.
Everyone
[speak in unison] O'Lord, please forgive for things we might have done online.
Harrison
Maggie.
Men
Please try to understand that even some of us who were on MatchingMavis.com, it was only out of curiosity, and not because we actually having an affair. Please understand that we might have used racial slurs, but only because it was to a close friend and never meant to be public.
Kyle
[enters with Ike] What are you all doing?! [walks closer to the priest] Somebody's threatening your way of life and you all are just sitting here praying, like uh a bunch of babies?
Ike
[follows Kyle] Like a bunch of pussies!
Kyle
Come on, this isn't South Park! What's happened to us?! We used to have a challenge and deal with it, then move onto the next one. Now we've just been dealing with trolling and Internet stuff over and over, week after week; and I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of it.
Randy
Yeah.
Kyle
[stands on a step near Maxi] Now for once let's take a stand and try to end this. We can't let Denmark change who we are.
Randy
Yeah, fuck Denmark.
Prayers
[speak after one another] Yeah!
Kyle
You guys need to, you know, call the President and get him to take action.
Prayers
[speak in dissapointment] Aw!
Stephen
The President? He won't listen to us. He hates us now.
Randy
No, [stands up] but there is somebody he will still listen to.
The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room.
First General
Mr. President, we're looking at global destabilization blinked we've never seen. Countries everywhere are terrified their Internet may be hacked.
Garrison
Well what do they want me to do about it?
Second General
You're the leader of the free world. Everyone's looking to you to be the call and steady voice they all need.
Army Soldier
[salutes] Mr. President? Mr. President, the Isreali prime minister is on Line 1, the chancellor of Germany is on Line 2, and a Mr. Slave is on Line 3.
Garrison
Mr. Slave? [picks up the phone on Line 3] This is the President.
Mr. Slave
[talks at his house while looking at his fingernails] Hey, what's up?
Garrison
Well well well, crawling outta the woodwork to try and get me back now that I am a big cheese?
Mr. Slave's house is shown to have other South Park residents.
Mr. Slave
No, I'm calling because people want you to bomb Denmark.
Garrison
Who wants me to bomb Denmark?
Mr. Slave
Lots of people 'cause it's like gonna ruin their freedom of speech or something.
Garrison
Mr. Slave, this is all very complicated, diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't just go bombing other countries.
Mr. Slave
Oh Jesus Christ, you're such a little bitch.
Garrison
Oh I'm a bitch, huh? I happen to be President, bitch!
Mr. Slave
You're a little bitch, President. You're too scared to bomb anybody.
Garrison
I'm not scared, my advisors have told me that I...
Mr. Slave
Yeah you're scared, just do what your little advisors tell you to do.
Garrison
If I decide a military strike on Denmark is warranted, then I will...
Mr. Slave
You don't have the balls to bomb them, pussy.
Ike
Pussy ass bitch.
Mr. Slave
Pussy ass bitch, fuck you.
Garrison
Oh [rambles] okay! You think so, huh?! Well watch this you gay asshole! [yells at the generals] Bomb Denmark!
First General
Sir?
Garrison
[turns around] The TrollTrace building or the whole fucking thing! Whatever it is, get the missiles ready!
Mr. Slave
[talks to others in his house] Yeah, it worked.
Kyle
Alright!
[everyone else cheered]
End of Not Funny


  2009: "Not Funny" edit
Story Elements

Skankhunt42 • "Never Gonna Give You Up"

Media

ImagesScriptExtrasWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Twentieth Season