My Future Self n' Me/Script

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"The Biggest Douche in the Universe/Script"

"My Future Self n' Me/Script"

"Red Sleigh Down/Script"

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Butters Stotch
• Craig Tucker
• Clyde Donovan
• Token Black
• Jimmy Valmer
• Sharon Marsh
• Randy Marsh
• Stephen Stotch
• Linda Stotch
• Mr. Brooks
• Mrs. Brooks
• Motivation Corp. Director
• Future Stan
• Future Butters
• Future Cartman
• Tom Pusslicker
• Josh Casher
• The Osbournes
• Marvin Marsh
• Felipe
• Carlos
• Various Painters

Script

My Future Self n' Me
	South Park, woods, night. Six boys look at a tree stump surrounded by litter. They are Jimmy, Token, Craig, Clyde, Kyle, and Cartman. Kyle is carrying a black trash bag. On the stump is a marijuana joint and some paper.
Kyle	[thrusts the bag at Clyde] Throw it away, Clyde!
Clyde	I'm not gonna touch it. You throw it away.
Stan	[arriving] What's going on?
Kyle	[points at the joint] Some high schoolers left their marijuana cigarette behind. Uh we have to throw it away before some kids find it or something.
Stan	So throw it away.
Clyde	Nobody wants to touch it.
Kyle	What if the residue gets on our hands and it leads to harder drugs like those commercials say?
Craig	Yeah, didn't you see that commercial where it says that if you have pot you could become a terrorist?
Clyde	And the commercial where the two kids have pot and the one kids shoots the other. Harmless?
Stan	You guys, those commercials are just exaggerations.
Token	How do you know? None of us had ever had any drugs before.
Jimmy	Well, I did Ecstasy once. [the other boys look at him] Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having... sex. [the other boys just stare]
Kyle	...Where did you have sex with her?
Jimmy	In her... va-vagina. [smiles, but the other boys remain silent] Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience.
Stan	[annoyed at his friends' skittishness] It's just a stupid plant that makes you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you.
Cartman	[takes the bag from Kyle and offers it to Stan] Then you throw it away, smartass. [Stan walked into that one]
Stan	Fine, I will. [takes the bag and walks over to the stump, faces the boys, and tosses the joint into the bag] There, see? I touched marijuana. I'm not a terrorist, I didn't shoot anybody, and I don't feel like doing more drugs now. No big deal.
	South Park, night. To the sound of dramatic music, lightning relentlessly flashes all over town. Stan's house is shown as lightning strikes it. In the living room Stan watches "The Osbournes" with his grandfather. Ozzy is shown in his living room talking to his kids.
Ozzy	You kids fucking don't fuck around with your fucking mom!
Jack	Dad, we fucking can't! It's a big flick a fuck!
Sharon	[enters scolding] Stan, what did I tell you about watching The Osbournes?
Stan	Aw, come on, Mom.
Sharon	It's going to make you retarded! [starts flipping channels, then settles on a news report, then walks away]
Stan	It's just a show! It doesn't have any fucking effect on me, for fuck's sake!
Grandpa Marvin	Oh goody. Now we can watch the news.
Tom	In other news, South Park police are still looking for a craaazy man who terrorized the town one hour ago. [a silhouette of a man running is behind the words "CRAZY MAN" and a question mark is on the silhouette] The man claimed to be from the future and ran naked through the city streets screaming "The past! The past! Oh my God, it's the past!" Which is what one would expect someone from the future to yell. [a knock is heard on the front door, Sharon goes to answer it. Before her stands a disheveled man with long brown hair and stubbly beard. He's wrapped in a large towel and wears a blue cap with red piping and puff, like Stan does]
Naked Man	[slurring his voice] Oh my God, it's the past! [looks at Sharon] Oh, whoa man, it's you!
Sharon	Who are you?
Naked Man	It's me, Mom, your son Stan. [Sharon looks shocked, and the camera zooms in on that. Behind her, still watching TV, are Stan and Marvin. Stan looks over]
Randy	[joining Sharon at the door] Who is it, Sharon?
Naked Man	Dad!
Randy	Dad?? Look! We don't know you and you don't know us! Just go away before we call the police!
Stan	[rises from the sofa and walks over] Who the fuck is it, Mom and Dad?
Naked Man	No way, it's me from the past! [looks quite relieved]
Stan	I'm me from the past?
Future Stan	[genuflects to Stan, who leans back a bit] No, I'm you from the future! [rises, and Randy helps him up] Oh man, this is so messed up.
Randy	[pushing the man out the door] Okay, we've had enough!
Future Stan	Your name's Randy Marsh, you're a geologist, and you don't like chicken. Mom, your maiden name is Kimble and you have a scar on your left knee from when you slipped in the swimming pool.
Sharon	[in hushed tones] Randy, what's going on?
Randy	[in hushed tones] I don't know.
Future Stan	Dude, just let me talk to you for like, five minutes. After that I'll bail.
	The Marsh dining room. The naked man is now dressed in street clothes and seated at the head of the table. He's enjoying a beer and regular cigarette. The others look dazed and confused at the man as he recounts his memories.
Future Stan	I can still remember when I was five and you both found that squirrel I'd been keeping in the closet and, you let me keep it for another week and then it ran away but... I know that's just what you told me. I know that Mom had actually let it out.
Randy	How could he possibly know all that unless... he is our son from the future.
Sharon	But why are you back in this time with us, son?
Future Stan	I have no idea, man. I was just about to go asleep in an alley behind the crackhouse, [Stan is aghast at what he would become] and I shot up a little heroin, and then this electrical storm started. Next thing I knew I was running around in my own past, man. I thought... I was just tripping, but then I came down and I was still here. Oh, dude, it's so bizarre!
Stan	Oh dude, I should have never touched that marijuana!
Randy	[laying hands on the man's shoulder] Stan, whatever's happened, we going to help you.
Sharon	[reaching out] That's right. We're a family no matter what time shift.
Future Stan	Thanks. Can I get another beer?
Sharon	You must be exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep?
Future Stan	That'd be killer. Where can I crash?
Sharon	Well I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind sharing his room, would you, Stan?
Stan	What?? I have to share my room with my future self?? Oh no! [squeezes his eyes shut and buries them in his right hand]
Singer	Here we are, face to face, "My Future Self -n- Me" [Stan and Future Stan stroll down a road. Future Stan has a beer]
Stan	[right at the camera] Stop it.
Singer	So much alike, and yet so different
Stan	[Stan's future self joins him in bed after freshening up in the bathroom] No.
Singer	One of them's messy, the other one's clean! [Stan's future self turns off the light while Stan looks pissed off] Gettin' along isn't always easy, sometimes we disagree [Stan's future self brushes his teeth as Stan stands next to him, avoiding him. Future Stan spits his frothy toothpaste into the sink]
Stan	Quit it.
Singer	But in the end we know we're good for each other [both Stans eat cereal, but the future Stan has trouble pouring milk into his bowl. It splashes out of the bowl along with some cereal. Stan just buries his face in his hands in frustration] Two peas in a pod, Future Self -n- Me Future Self -n- Me, Future Self -n- [Now they have separate beds. Stan turns the light out and tries to sleep. Future Stan reaches over to turn it on. Stan moves to turn it on, and they fight over the switch until one of them sleeps] Me
	Bus stop, next day. Stan arrives with future Stan.
Stan	Hey guys.
Kyle, Cartman	Hey.
Future Stan	Whoa, Kyle and Cartman! It's so cool to see you guys.
Cartman	Who's this asshole?
Stan	This is my future self. He came during the electrical storm last night and is caught in a time matrix. He's me when I'm 32.
Kyle	Wow. That's pretty cool.
Cartman	Then how does he know our names?
Kyle	'Cause, r-tard, he's Stan from the future. He knows everything Stan knows.
Cartman	Ohhh. Wait. Stan becomes this douchebag?
Future Stan	Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years on a slow downward spiral experimenting with drugs and alcohol. [Cartman has a hearty laugh]
Stan	Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman	That is so awesome!! Thank you God! [bows deeply] Oh praise God!
Kyle	Hey, what happens to me in the future?
Future Stan	Oh, I don't know. You guys stayed away from drugs, so you're okay. I just lost touch with you after I was sent to Juvi Hall in 2006.
Cartman	[pats Stan on the back] Juvi Hall! [laughs heartily, then gloats] Stan's a loser! Stan's a loser! [laughs heartily]
Stan	[under his breath] God-damnit!
	South Park Elementary, after school, Garrison's classroom. Stan and Butters are seated next to each other, and there are no other kids around.
Stan	Thanks for staying after school and tutoring me, Butters.
Butters	Uh well, sure thing, Stan. Eh, how come you care about schoolwork all of a sudden?
Stan	I told you, I can't stand my future self. I have to do whatever I can to not become a loser like him.
Butters	Well, studying is the golden key to the imposing door of success.
Stan	I just can't stand having my future self around all the time! It's driving me crazy! [gets off his seat and starts pacing the floor] Maybe if I get smarter I won't become him and I won't have to share my room!
Butters	I know what you mean. I hate having my future self around, too.
Stan	Yeah, it's like everything I do, he... [stops and then looks at Butters] Wait a minute, what'd you say?
Butters	I said, I know how you feel. My life has gone completely downhill ever since my future self moved in. I hate him! All he ever wants to do is watch Becker. And that show is so stupid. [Stan is surprised by this account]
Stan	[after a moment] Dude, how long has your future self been around?
Butters	Oh. I guess it's been about four months now.
Stan	Four months?? And you never told anybody that you were living with yourself from the future??
Butters	Nobody asked.
Stan	Where is he now?
Butters	Probably watching Becker.
	Butters' house, afternoon. A future Butters is watching TV and eating chips at the sofa.
Becker	My name is T. Becker. The T stand for Terrific. [laughs. Future Butters finds this quite funny. Stan and Butters enter the house to meet future Butters.]
Butters	See, here he is. Future Butters. Future self, this is my good friend,-
Future Butters	Stan! Sure I remember you. Yep. Wearing that puff-ball hat like always.
Linda	[walks in with a plate holding a glass of water and a bottle] Oh, hello boys. Future Butters, it's time to take your liver medicine.
Stan	Liver medicine?
Butters	Yeah. My future self has a bad kidney from all the drinkin' he did in high school. [an air of determination appears] I need to learn to behave myself! [Stan crosses his arms and gets mad, then bolts for the door] Hey! Where are you going, Stan? [follows Stan out.]
	Stan's house, moments later. Stan rushes into his room with Butters in tow.
Stan	Alright, where is that son-of-a-bitch's wallet?!
Butters	Wha-, what are you lookin' for, huh Stan?
Stan	Butters, don't you think it's a little bit of a coincidence that both your future self and my future self got caught in a mexterdexed time plane? [starts rifling through future Stan's clothes]
Butters	Well we both got the same teacher for homeroom, too, but you didn't say anything then.
Stan	Here it is. [pulls out a wallet and reads the license. It's from the future, with LOSER printed in large letters on it and an expiration date of 10-19-2043] It has to be something eh... Wait, what's this? [pulls out a Motivation Corp. key card, expiring on 12/26/02] This expires in two thousand two. Why would he have this in his wallet?
Butters	I don't follow.
Stan	[flips the card over to see the info on the other side] Three four five one Colfax Avenue. Come on, Butters. [heads out the door.]
Butters	[excitedly] Oh! Are we out for an adventure? [follows Stan out]
	Denver, night. A bus drives up to a curb on the seedy street, then takes off. Stan and Butters walk down the street.
Stan	Here it is. Motivation Corp. [the camera pans up to show the name of the building. Stan puts the card into the reader next to the door. The door opens and Stan heads in.]
Butters	[turns away. Stan stops right at the entrance] I don't think we're supposed to go in there, Stan. Maybe we should go adventurin' somewhere else.
Stan	[walks up to Butters] Butters, part of being on an adventure is you go places you're not supposed to go. [heads in]
Butters	Oh. Well, you're good at adventurin', huh Stan? [follows Stan in and closes the door.]
	Motivation Corp., interior. Stan and Butters look down a long hallway. Stan notices a window and looks in. Several workers are at their computers matching kids up with actors who are to portray their futures selves.
Stan	What the hell is going on here?
A Voice	It should take about a month to achieve the results you want. [Stan hears the voice and pulls Butters behind some bushes underneath the window. Stan peeks out over the bushes. The director appears with a couple ] Well, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks, I think you're going to be very pleased with the results.
Mr. Brooks	We sure hope so. We just don't know how to talk to our son about drugs.
Director	Well now you won't have to! Ah, here he is. This is Josh Casher. He'll be playing the role of your future son.
Josh	Nice to meet you, "Mom and Dad." [they all laugh heartily]
Mrs. Brooks	My goodness, he does look a little like Kevin.
Director	Yes, and he knows all your family history and every detail of your house. And he's worked up quite a future for your son.
Josh	I'm going to tell him that I dropped out of school and went to prison for eight years, where I was sodomized. In the ass.
Mrs. Brooks	Woohoo, that should get Kevin to stay clear of drugs.
Mr. Brooks	Heh it sure should, heh.
Director	Alright, so we'll put the fake news report out on Tuesday night. Make sure your son is watching the Channel 4 News.
Mr. Brooks	Oh, and that's when uh you'll fake the electrical storm as well?
Director	Motivation Corp. takes care of everything. [hands out some stapled sheets of paper] Just follow these simple scripts when your actor arrives.
Mrs. Brooks	[reads from her script] "Listen to me, you crazy person, there's no way you can be from the future." Oh this is going to be fun.
	Motivation Corp., interior. Stan hurries out of there with Butters close behind.
Stan	I can't believe it! It's all a scam!
Butters	Yeah, I can't believe it!
Stan	They've all been lying to us this whole time!
Butters	This whole time! I wonder if my future self knows anything about this? [thinks about this a minute. Stan lowers his eyelids to half-closed as he realizes Butters is still clueless] Hey, maybe my future self remembers this happening, a-and can shed some light on this subject.
Stan	[closes his eyes a bit, then] Butters, don't you get it?! Those assholes aren't our future selves! Our parents hired them to make us more motivated!
Butters	Eh, but then why did they come back to the past.
Stan	They didn't come back to the past, you dumbass, they're actors!
Butters	Oh... Oohhhh. [Stan rolls his eyes] But that's like they're lyin'.
Stan	It is lying, Butters. Your parents lied to you and my parents lied to me! Get it!
Butters	Ohhh, that makes me angry! Why, if Professor Chaos were here he'd make everyone pay!
Stan	Who's that?
Butters	You know, Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and disorder!
Stan	What?
Butters	Follow me back home, Stan. It's time I let you in on a horrible s-secret! [heads off. This time, Stan follows]
	Butters' house, later. An upper light is on. Butters leads Stan into his bedroom.
Butters	Wait right here, Stan. I warn you: you may not like what you're about to see. [slides his closet door open, steps inside the closet, and slides the door shut]
Stan	We have to teach our parents a lesson! Show them they can't just play with our emotions like that!
Butters	[jumps out of the closet and cackles] Now you know my terrible secret!
Stan	...You're gay? [Butters loses his moment] It's fine if you're gay, Butters. I don't care.
Butters	Huh? Naw, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan.
Stan	But we have to teach our parents a lesson, Butters! We're running away! Help me find the perfect place to run away to! [walks off]
Butters	[walks downtrodden to the mirror and looks at himself] Mm. Uhm, maybe I used a little too much silver.
	Stan's room, next day. Stan and Butters are on the floor. Butters is reading the newspaper as Stan watches on.
Butters	How about this? Winter Park. It looks kinda nice.
Stan	No, we gotta run away somewhere warm.
Butters	Wow, look at this, Stan. [reads from the paper] "Are you sick of your parents? Do you want revenge for something they've done to you? Call the Parental Revenge Center of Western America for a free con-sul-ta-tion. Results guaranteed."
Stan	[heading for the phone] Dude, I didn't know there was such a thing. [picks up the phone receiver and starts punching in the numbers]
Butters	Hey look, somebody lost their cat.
Stan	Uh, hi, is this the Parental Revenge Center of Western America? [listens for the answer] Ah I'm really pissed off at my parents and I wanna impose swift and horrible revenge upon them?
Butters	Look, you can make your wiener bigger in just three weeks.
Stan	[still on the phone] Oh really? Oh, okay, uh where are you located, please? [listens and writes down the address] Great, uumm, can I come by tomorrow?
Butters	This lady'll massage your wiener for ninety-five dollars. Well that's a pretty good deal.
Stan	Eleven o'clock is great. Thank you. [hangs up] That was easy! I just have to go to their office and they'll help me figure out how to get back at my parents!
Butters	[rises on his knees] Hah-hey, I wanna get revenge on my douchebag parents, too.
Stan	Fine, then you can come with me. [heads out the door]
Butters	Hooray! [follows him out] And then we can make our wieners bigger, and have the lady massage them.
	South Park, commercial district. Stan and Butters run down the street and turn the corner into an alley. Stan checks the address.
Stan	I guess this is it.
	Parental Revenge Center of Western America. The headquarters are quite shabby. What looks like computers and monitors are just cardboard boxes with crude drawings on them. Stan and Butters enter. They look around as they approach the main desk.
Stan	Uh hello, we're here about the revenge on our parents?
Cartman	[an egg-shaped chair is seen, with its back to the boys] Yes, come in, please. [the chair turns around, and Cartman appears seated on it.]
Stan	Cartman??
Cartman	Oh, Stan, Butters, I didn't know it was you guys.
Stan	What the hell are you doing here?!
Cartman	I'm running a business, Stan. Are you my eleven o'clock?
Butters	You're the Parental Revenge Center of Western America??
Stan	God-damnit, I knew this was too good to be true! Come on, Butters, let's go. [both boys turn and walk towards the door]
Cartman	Eh, so, you don't want to make your parents suffer and pay for mistreating you, then? [Stan and Butters stop in their tracks] Look, ah, I don't know what your parents did to you, but if you're here, I take it they pissed you off pretty good. Maybe you should at least ...hear what I have to offer?
Stan	[turns around] Oh, sorry. I thought this was a legitimate business!
Cartman	That it is, I assure you. I started this business over three months ago from the ground up. I've been helping children get back at their parents ever since.
Stan	How many parents have you exacted revenge upon?!
Cartman	Craig's. a-and Clyde's. Oh and and Kyle's, but that was a freebie. Look, I run a legitimate business here with state-of-the-art computers, charts, and technology. Look around you. I know how it feels to be really, really pissed off at your parents. And I will work hard, for you. [Stan and Butters think a moment, then take seats before Cartman]
Stan	Our moms and dads lied to us about those future selves! It was just a trick to get us to not wanna try drugs or alcohol.
Cartman	[lets out a heavy sigh] God-damnit! See? This is exactly why I started this business. If a parent can't respect their child, than who can they respect, huh?
Butters	Yeah!
Cartman	Listen! Parents understand one thing, and that's consequences. They need to see consequences from their actions, or else they'll never learn. What my company does is inflicts those consequences upon the parents in a very real and very direct way.
Stan	How much is this going to cost us?
Cartman	Eighteen thousand dollars. [Butters looks to Stan for guidance] How about just... three hundred and eighty seven easy payments of a hundred ninety nine, ninety five. [Stan still looks angry, Butters follows] How about five bucks?
	Motivation Corp., day.
Director	So, everything is working out with your future actor? Your son seems to be responding.
Randy	I think he's pretty scared alright.
Sharon	It's just a little weird having people lying to our boy like this.
Director	Well, you know what us ultra-liberals say, when it comes to children and drugs, lies are OK. The ends justify the means. We'll take smoking, for instance. The truth is there's no hard evidence that second-hand smoke can kill but, we believe it's okay to lie about it as long as it gets people to stop smoking.
Sharon	Well that makes sense.
Director	So it is with everything here at Motivation Corp. It's okay for us to lie and tell kids that all marijuana supports terrorism. [a shot of a marijuana leaf superimposed over the burning World Trade Center] Or that... one pill of Ecstasy is gonna kill them. It's not necessarily true, but the ends justify the means.
Randy	Well I think when this is all over, our son is gonna thank us.
	Parental Revenge Center of Western America. Cartman prepares to lay out his plans for Stan and Butters. His cap is gone, as is the egg-shell chair.
Cartman	Okay, Butters, let's start with you. I think I've found a great way to get revenge on your parents. Just... tell me if I'm going in the right direction here. [displays a few brochures and opens one] What we're going to do, Butters, is we're going to wait for your parents to leave the house, and then, smear all the walls... with poop.
Butters	Hwuhh. That'll make them awful sore.
Cartman	Now, I want you to take a look at some of these poop swatches. [displays some swatches with poop samples on them]
Butters	Poop- poop swatches?
Cartman	Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters. I wanna find the perfect one, tailored to your revenge on your parents.
Butters	Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan?
Cartman	Now, personally, I like the baby green. [switches to a new swatch] But I also think the classic brown would go nicely with your house.
Butters	Wow, Eh eh you sure are a p-professional, Eric! I don't know which swatch I like best.
Cartman	Well, y-you know what we could do, uh, uh Butters, is go with the baby green in the living room, and then maybe a classic brown, or even a nut-n-corn crunch in your parents' bedroom.
Butters	Well that sounds good.
Cartman	Okay, well let's do that then. That looks nice.
Butters	Hooray!
Cartman	Alright, now, Stan. For you I've put together a really nice design. I feel your parents were a bit more cocky about lying to you and your revenge needs to reflect that. So what I wanna to is put a note on your parents' door, telling them I'm the counselor from the school.
Stan	[brightly] Yeah.
Cartman	The note will inform them that a problem has come up and they need to see me right-away, back at my office.
Stan	Yeah.
Cartman	Your parents will drive all the way out to the school discovering that no meeting is actually taking place.
Stan	Yeah!
Cartman	And while they're gone, we're gonna smear all their walls with poop. [Stan's excitement vanishes]
Butters	Wow! Neato!
Stan	That's not neato, that sucks.
Cartman	What?
Stan	You're gonna smear Butters' parent's walls with poop. I thought each revenge was unique and customized!
Cartman	Poop-smearing is the hot ticket right now, Stan, and... have you seen the poop swatches.
Stan	Dude, that's not extreme enough! My parents aren't gonna learn their lesson from having some crap smeared on their walls! I want them to see what they did was wrong! I want them to have to admit that they lied to me!
Cartman	Okay, okay, fine. I I just, I just, ...my first idea. That's why we have these consultations. [throws the brochure away and gets some paper from inside the desk] Okay, okay, lemme, lemme see here. Uh. Oh wait, oh this is nice. How about this: uh, we'll lure your parents out of the house, and then we'll kill them. Uh, we'll cut them up into little pieces and feed them to the dog.
Stan	Dude!
Cartman	Extreme enough for you? How's Wednesday?
Stan	No, that's too extreme!
Cartman	[sighs] Well first it's not extreme enough and then it's too extreme; where do you want it?
Stan	Just forget it, Cartman! You don't know what you're doing! [leaves his seat and heads for the door.]
Cartman	I am a professional, suh! [watches Stan leave] Don't worry, Butters. You're gonna be a hundred percent satisfied.
	The Marsh house, day. All the Marshes are at the dining room table eating tacos and chips.
Stan	Hey future self.
Future Stan	Yes, former self?
Stan	You know that thing that I kept hidden in the hole in the wall for two years that I've never told anybody about? [future Stan looks at Stan as if the boy were crazy] You know, the thing that I take out of the shoebox every night before I go to sleep?
Future Stan	Oh, uh...
Stan	You must know what I'm talking about.
Future Stan	Sure uh, uh, [quickly rises from the table and walks toward the dining room entrance] oh man, could you all excuse me for a second? I think I'm gonna crap my pants. [leaves. Stan crosses his arms, quite annoyed]
Sharon	Uh, Stan, [Randy stops eating his taco and looks at Stan] don't you think you're upsetting your future self a little?
Randy	Yeah, Stan, don't be so hard on yourself.
Stan	Mom, Dad, I don't think that guy is from the future. [Sharon and Randy shift in their chairs]
Randy	Oh. You. You don't?
Stan	No. [plants his hands along the table's edge] You know what I think? I think this is all an elaborate hoax! [crosses his arms again] And I think that whoever is doing it doesn't have very much respect for me! [uncrosses his arms] See, the best way to try to motivate somebody is by being direct with them, to be honest with them. I think the whole future self thing is a lie, and lies are never the right way to get your message across.
Randy	Well, you know what I think, Stan?
Stan	What?
Randy	I think he IS from the future.
Sharon	Yeah, he must be. [Stan looks at them with eyebrows knitting] It's like, I just feel he's our son, you know?
Randy	Right. That's mother's intuition; you can't argue with that. No, Stan, I think the only way you're gonna get rid of him is by staying clear of drugs and alcohol.
Sharon	Right. [Stan looks at them with anger, then looks forward with anger]
	Butters' house, day. There's a Hispanic crew in the house painting the walls with two kinds of poop colors. The furniture is covered. Cartman enters and walks around the living room.
Cartman	Okay, very nice, very nice. Oh wait, uh, God-damnit! Felipe! [a painter descends from the small ladder he's on] The classic brown poop is supposed to go in the parents' bedroom! The living room is supposed to be all baby green poop!
Felipe	¿Qué? ¿La caca no esta aquí? ["What? The poop isn't here?"]
Cartman	¡La caca de moreno no es aquí! ¡Aquí es verde, señor! ¡Es verde! ¡Arriba arriba!
Felipe	¡Sí, sí señor! ["Yes, yes sir!"]
Cartman	Sí, gracias. ¿Y tú? [looks in another part of the living room] ¡Carlos! ¡Carlos, no! We want a textured effect on the nut-n-corn crunch poop. That's why we [sees a sponge on the floor and picks it up] spackle with the sponge. [dips the sponge into a poop tray and spackles the wall with it] See? Spackle gently. Lo marrado. Gently, see? Marrado.
Carlos	Sí. Marrado. ["Yes. Gently"]
Cartman	Marrado. Spectacularrr.
Carlos	Sí. [takes the sponge from Cartman and begins spackling]
Cartman	God, it's so hard to find good help. [runs into Butters, who has just entered the house] Ah! Butters, like what you're seeing so far?
Butters	Boy, it sure is stinky in here!
Cartman	Yearh, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden, Butters. But I think it's coming together real nice.
Butters	Look, eh, Eric, I've been thinkin', my parents are gonna be awful sore and I don't think-
Cartman	Yes, well, I've done my job, haven't I? [notices another worker] ¡Pepite, Pepite, no! ¡No come la taco la trabajar!
	The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon talk with the future Stan.
Future Stan	Yes, well, it's hard to find work in commercials, so I ended up- [the front door opens]
Randy	Oh, Stan! [Sharon and Future Stan look. Stan enters the dining room]
Future Stan	Oh, dude, how's it goin', man? Ey, you wanna go upstairs and play hide and go seek?
Stan	[takes a seat at the table] Hide and go seek, huh?!
Randy	Yeah, Stan, why don't you go upstairs and play with yourself?
Stan	I don't believe that he's my future self!
Randy	Yeah, but we can't be sure, so we'd better assume he is and never try that first marijuana cigarette, huh?
Stan	No, I actually have a way to be sure. [whips out a meat cleaver in his right hand and places his left wrist on the table] I'm going to cut off my hand. If he is my future self, then his hand will disappear.
Sharon	[rises frantically] S-stanley you don't need to do that. He-he is your future self.
Stan	But I have to know for sure. [readies the cleaver]
Randy	[stammers] Don't be silly, Stan. You don't wanna go through life without one of your hands. [Sharon is fearful]
Stan	Maybe it's the hand I smoked that first joint with. Here I go. I'm gonna do it.
Randy	Stan...
Stan	Yes?
Randy	Uh... nothing. Go ahead.
Sharon	Randy!
Stan	[lowers the cleaver onto his wrist. The left hand falls away, and he lifts his left arm] AAAH! [a red area marks where the left hand was]
Sharon	[Low-Pitched Scream, Shrieks Loudly] AAAHHH!
Randy	Oh my God! Look! [points. Stan looks behind his seat. Randy moves quickly to Future Stan and chops off his left hand. Blood spurts out. Stan faces the adults again as Future Stan screams in pain] What? His hand did disappear! He is you from the future!
Future Stan	Oh, Jesus Christ! Help me!
Stan	That's weird, because I really didn't cut off my hand. It was fake.
Randy	Uh.. [tries to put Future Stan's back in place] Look, it was fake in the future, too. [Future Stan passes out in shock]
Sharon	Looks like you'd better really watch out for marijuana, huh Stan?
	Butters' house. Cartman stands with his crew behind him, their work finished.
Cartman	Well Butters, I hope you like the work. I'm sure your parents will be plenty pissed off.
Butters	Uh, and after my parents get angry, uh how do we get the poop off the walls?
Cartman	Ooo, ah, that's a different company. [the doorbell rings] Oh! Someone's here! We'd better run out the back! Pepite! Carlos! ­¡Vamonos!
Butters	Uh but Cartman! Wait! [once Cartman and crew leave, Butters faces the front door] Oh Christmas! [the door opens and Stan enters]
Stan	Butters!
Butters	Oh, Stan!
Stan	Butters, we've go-! Oh, God, it smells in here.
Butters	Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden.
Stan	Butters, we're running away!
Butters	We are?
Stan	Our parents are never gonna admit what they did was wrong, and they're never gonna change! [Stephen, Linda, and future Butters enter with groceries]
Stephen	What the hell is this?!
Linda	Oh my God, our house!
Butters	[squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands] Oh Geez, ah, I'm gonna get it now.
Stephen	[both parents approach with hands on hips] Butters! Do you have an explanation for this?!
Butters	Oh, not really sir, I just uh...
Linda	Wait a minute. Chris, don't you see? This might be our fault.
Stephen	What, uh-? My God. You're right, Linda. This is what we get for deceiving our son.
Stan	[watching his words fall apart] Huh?
Stephen	Butters, listen. The whole future self thing, well, it was a dirty fib.
Linda	We just so desperately wanted you to never try drugs that we used a big scare tactic instead of ...telling you the truth.
Stephen	We thought the ends justified the means, but they don't. They just... don't, son! [starts crying as he and Linda hug Butters]
Linda	We're sorry, baby. [starts crying also. Butters, feeling the love, smiles, then grins.]
Stan	Get the fuck out of here. [Randy and Sharon rush into the house]
Randy	Stan! Stan! Oh. Okay, uh, you you might be wondering why Butters has a future self, too.
Sharon	Yes, well, eh you see, son, the time matrix pulled in more people from the future.
Stan	Aw, stop it, you guys! I know all about Motivation Corp.! All I've been trying to get you guys to do is admit that you lied to me!
Randy	Oh... Well... Son, we've just been trying to make sure you know how dangerous drugs like pot are.
Stan	I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!
Randy	Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and ...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorists, but... Well son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and... It's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or... being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything.
Stan	I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning.
Sharon	He's right. If we use lies and exaggerations to keep kids off drugs, then they're never gonna believe anything we tell them.
Randy	Well, there's only one person I can blame. Motivation Corp.!
	Outside Motivation Corp., day. Randy, Sharon, Stan, and Cartman look at the building and listen at the voices coming out of it.
Director	Oh God, who smeared crap all over our walls?! Oh Jesus, it smells! Oh!
Randy	You really did a nice job, Eric. [Sharon holds a box of cookies]
Stan	Yeah, I gotta admit. You really came through.
Cartman	Thank you. I thought the hangover black went really nice in the lobby.
Sharon	Well here, Eric, I cooked you a huge box of cookies as a present.
Cartman	Thanks. But you know, all this talk about future selves has made me think, maybe I should ...take better care of myself. I mean, maybe I should think about who I'm going to become.
Future Cartman	[Future Cartman walks into the scene. His appearance is tall, fit, clean, handsome, and wearing a suit] Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right choice.
Cartman	Who the hell are you?
Future Cartman	Haha, it's me, Cartman! You from the future. [genuflects] I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food and you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time-travel company!
Cartman	[sets the box of cookies down] Oh wow, really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful!
Future Cartman	Right on!
Cartman	Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doin' drugs when I want! [The Marshes leave. He joins them] Whatevuh! I'll do what I want!
Future Cartman	No, wait! [flashes of electricity runs through his body. His form becomes obese, dirty, and disheveled. His suit becomes an dirty open blue shirt over a dirty white shirt with a name tag. He also holds a tool box and a wrench] Oh, God-damnit!
End of My Future Self n' Me