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{{TabScript|episode=Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo|code=s01e10-mr-hankey-the-christmas-poo|nav={{SP navigation|Starvin' Marvin|Damien}}}}
  +
{{Official Script|s=One}}
 
==Cast==
 
==Cast==
  +
* [[Stan Marsh]]
  +
* [[Kyle Broflovski]]
  +
* [[Eric Cartman]]
  +
* [[Kenny McCormick]]
  +
* [[Wendy Testaburger]]
  +
* [[Jerome "Chef" McElroy|Chef]]
  +
* [[Jimbo Kern]]
  +
* [[Sheila Broflovski]]
  +
* [[Gerald Broflovski]]
  +
* [[Mr. Hankey]]
  +
* [[Mayor McDaniels]]
  +
* [[Herbert Garrison|Mr. Garrison]]
  +
* [[Officer Barbrady]]
  +
* [[Randy Marsh]]
  +
* [[Father Maxi]]
  +
* [[Mr. Mackey]]
  +
* Mental House Receptionist
  +
* Tree Huggers
  +
* [[Santa Claus]]
  +
* [[Jesus Christ]]
   
 
==Script==
 
==Script==
  +
{{EpisodeScript|
This script is not yet finished.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The kids are gathered on stage at one end of South Park Elementary's gym.}}
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Class|<poem><i>We wish you a Merry Christmas
{|class="wikitable" border="1" width="100%"
 
!
 
|style="background:#C0C0C0;"|
 
|-
 
|Class:
 
|''We wish you a Merry Christmas''
 
 
We wish you a Merry Christmas
 
We wish you a Merry Christmas
 
We wish you a Merry Christmas
 
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!
+
And a Happy New Year!</i></poem>}}
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan steps forth from the choir and heads towards center stage.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Lights, please.}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The lights dim. He steps into the spotlight and quotes from the Gospel of Luke (2:8-11,14).}}
|''[steps forth from the choir and heads towards center stage]'' Lights, please. ''[The lights dim. He steps into the spotlight and quotes from the Gospel of Luke (2:8-11,14)]'' And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, for born unto you this day in the city of…David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord. Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill towards men'And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|<poem>And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields,
|-
 
  +
keeping watch over their flocks by night.
|
 
  +
And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them,
|''[Stan steps aside while presenting the Nativity scene. The curtains open, and nine students stand in and around the grotto. Kenny is the angel floating above the manger, Wendy is Mary, about to give birth; Kyle is Joseph, ready to receive Jesus; Cartman is one of the three shepherds on the left side of the stage, and three Wise Men stand on the right side. Wendy is simulating birth pangs.]''
 
  +
and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them,
|-
 
  +
'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy,
|Wendy:
 
  +
for born unto you this day in the city of
|Unh ''[labored breathing]'' Oh!
 
  +
...David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord.
|-
 
  +
Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace,
|Kyle:
 
  +
goodwill towards men'</poem>And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus.}}
|Come on, Mary! Push!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan steps aside while presenting the Nativity scene. The curtains open, and nine students stand in and around the grotto. Kenny is the angel floating above the manger, Wendy is Mary, about to give birth; Kyle is Joseph, ready to receive Jesus; Cartman is one of the three shepherds on the left side of the stage, and three Wise Men stand on the right side. Wendy is simulating birth pangs.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|Unh ''[labored breathing]'' Oh!}}
|Wendy:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Come on, Mary! Push!}}
|Aaaah!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|Aaaah!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I can see its head!}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|UUuuhh-UUuuhh.}}
|I can see its head!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A doll pops out beside Mary and flips through the air. Joseph catches it.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|It's a boy!}}
|Wendy:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Unfortunately, he's now holding the doll wrong.}}
|UUuuhh-UUuuhh ''[a doll pops out beside Mary and flips through the air. Joseph catches it]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Oohhhh!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Kyle has Jesus' ''head'' instead!)}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?}}
|It's a boy! ''[unfortunately, he's now holding the doll wrong]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|...Sorry.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|Okay.}}
|Oohhhh!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila approaches Mr. Garrison.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!}}
|Kenny:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Well, I'm ''trying'' to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head.}}
|(Kyle has Jesus' ''head'' instead!)
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mary and Joseph are now looking at them argue.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|How ''dare'' you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle drops his head.}}
|Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|...So?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Because it's Christmas???}}
|…Sorry
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Our family doesn't ''celebrate'' Christmas.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|All the kids gasp.}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh god, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me, are you?}}
|And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Whatwhatwhaaat?!? ''You're'' not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!}}
|Wendy:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle shoots back.}}
|Okay
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Shut up, fat boy!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?}}
|''[approaching Mr. Garrison]'' Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh-kay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|How about the dreidel song, bubbe?}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I can sing the Mr. Hankey song...}}
|Well, I'm ''trying'' to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head ''[shot of Mary and Joseph looking at the argument]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|<poem><i>Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
he loves me and I love y-</i></poem>}}
|How ''dare'' you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?! ''[another shot. Kyle's head drops]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|''Christmas'' Poo?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|What the hell is Christmas Poo?}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''Mr.'' Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?}}
|…So?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Kyle, that is enough!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison.}}
|So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Garrison interrupts and follows her}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh wait wait wait. I'm sorry. Was it the pagan remark?}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Wendy gets up.}}
|Because it's Christmas???
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|You guys, look! It's snowing!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Snow is seen through a window. The kids step out of costume and rush out of school to take advantage of this opportunity, cheering all the way.}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|In the school playground.}}
|Our family doesn't ''celebrate'' Christmas. ''[the kids gasp]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa, Christmas snow!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue.}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A soft instrumental starts up.}}
|Ogod, you're not gonna lay that Channukah crap on me, are you?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|It's fun.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The kids shuffle back and forth catching snowflakes. When Kenny looks up an eagle passes overhead and dumps a load - right on Kenny's face.}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Cartman is watching with glee.}}
|Whatwhatwhaaat?!? ''You're'' not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|P'tooui.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|That was sick, dude!}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Cartman seeing Kyle lolling for a snowflake.}}
|Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle is taken aback}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!}}
|''[shoots back]'' Shut up, fat boy!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We can, too!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|...Nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude.}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Officer Barbrady!}}
|I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Officer Barbrady|What?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A car screeches to a halt as Officer Barbrady raises his arm.}}
|Stan:
 
|Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?
+
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?}}
  +
{{ScriptScene|After a long pause.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Officer Barbrady|Yyess.}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Damnit!}}
|O-kay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|No. But I get Hanukkah presents for eight days.}}
|How about the dreidl song, bubbe?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|We'll catch up with you later, Kyle.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan walks off with Wendy and the others.}}
|I can sing the Mr. Hankey song…
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.}}
|The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see ''me'' riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle.}}
|''Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Cartman and walks away.}}
he loves me and I love y-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|See you around, dude.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan follows Cartman away.}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle is left alone in the playground as winds howl around him. The camera zooms in on him as the intro to his song plays.}}
|''Christmas'' Poo?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|<poem><i>It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|What the hell is Christmas Poo?
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''Mr.'' Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?
 
|-
 
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
|Kyle, that is enough!
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.
 
|-
 
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
|Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|''[interrupting and following her]'' Oh wait wait wait. Was it the pagan remark?
 
|-
 
|Wendy:
 
|''[getting up]'' You guys, look! It's snowing! ''[snow is seen through a window. The kids step out of costume and rush out of school to take advantage of this opportunity, cheering all the way.]''
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[In the school playground]''
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|Whoa, Christmas snow!
 
|-
 
|Wendy:
 
|Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue ''[A soft instrumental starts up]'' It's fun.
 
|-
 
|
 
|''[The kids shuffle back and forth catching snowflakes. When Kenny looks up an eagle passes overhead and dumps a load - right on Kenny's face.]''
 
|-
 
|Kenny:
 
|Ptui ''[Cartman is watching with glee]''
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|That was sick, dude!
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|''[seeing Kyle lolling for a snowflake]'' Hey! ''[Kyle is taken aback]'' What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|We can, too!
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|…nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Officer Barbrady!
 
|-
 
|Officer Barbrady:
 
|What? ''[a car screeches to a halt as he raises his arm]''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
 
|-
 
|Officer Barbrady:
 
|''[after a long pause]'' Yyess.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Damnit!
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|No. But I get Channukah presents for eight days.
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|We'll catch up with you later, Kyle. ''[walks off with Wendy and the others]''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see ''me'' riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle. ''[turns left and walks away]''
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|See you around, dude. ''[follows Cartman away]''
 
|-
 
|
 
|''[Kyle is left alone in the playground as winds howl around him. The camera zooms in on him as the intro to his song plays]''
 
|-
 
| bgcolor="yellowgreen"|Kyle:
 
|''It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas''
 
 
My friends won't let me join in any games
 
My friends won't let me join in any games
 
And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
 
And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
Line 224: Line 137:
 
I'm a Jew
 
I'm a Jew
 
A lonely Jew
 
A lonely Jew
On Christmas
+
On Christmas...</i></poem>}}
  +
{{ScriptScene|He walks away, then peeks at the mall from behind a tree. Stan is on Santa's lap while Cartman and Kenny wait in line, now forming on Santa's left.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|<poem><i>Channukah is nice, but why is it
|
 
  +
That Santa passes over my house every year?
|''[He walks down the road, past a Toy Shoppe and a stand of Christmas trees. The camera pulls back as he walks out of view.]''
 
  +
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latke
|-
 
  +
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish
|
 
  +
And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please?
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[Outside City Hall a crowd gathers]''
 
  +
I'm a Jew
|-
 
  +
A lonely Jew
|The Mayor:
 
  +
I'd be merry
|Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.
 
  +
But I'm Hebrew
|-
 
  +
On Christ-maas.
|Large woman:
 
  +
</i></poem>}}
|Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are ''separate''!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He walks down the road, past a Toy Shoppe and a stand of Christmas trees. The camera pulls back as he walks out of view.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Outside City Hall a crowd gathers.}}
|Some men:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.}}
|No! Wrong!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Large woman|Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are ''separate''!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Some men|No! Wrong!}}
|Kyle:
 
|''[appearing among his friends]'' What's going on, you guys?
+
{{ScriptScene|Kyle appearing among his friends.}}
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|What's going on, you guys?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet.}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!}}
|The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|You ''are'' the Jewish community!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Crowd|Yeah! Yeah!}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Oh, boy! Super-bitch is at it again!}}
|That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you ''must'' remove Santa and Frosty and all of ''that'' garbage, too!}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd cheers in agreement.}}
|You ''are'' the Jewish community!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Woman|Hallelujah!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Man|Amen!}}
|Crowd:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tree hugger|And we ''must'' put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!}}
|Yeah! Yeah!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Man 1|Raah!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Man 2|Give me a break!}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Uncle Jimbo|And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it.}}
|Oh, boy! Superbitch is at it again!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd processes Jimbo's words.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Crowd|Yeah! Yeah!}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a ''new'' icon for Christmas.}}
|Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Assistant 1|Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd mulls over the suggestion.}}
|Priest:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?}}
|Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you ''must'' remove Santa and Frosty and all of ''that'' garbage, too! ''[the crowd cheers]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Ex-cuse me?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.}}
|Woman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Kyle! Sshhh!}}
|Hallelujah!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are. <poem><i>Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
|-
 
|Man:
 
|Amen!
 
|-
 
|Tree hugger:
 
|And we ''must'' put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
 
|-
 
|Man 1:
 
|Raah!
 
|-
 
|Man 2:
 
|Give me a break!
 
|-
 
|Uncle Jimbo:
 
|And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it.
 
|-
 
|Crowd:
 
|''[processes Jimbo's words, then]'' Yeah! Yeah!
 
|-
 
|The Mayor:
 
|Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a ''new'' icon for Christmas.
 
|-
 
|Assistant 1:
 
|Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor! ''[the crowd mulls over the suggestion]''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?
 
|-
 
|The Mayor:
 
|Ex-cuse me?
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
 
|-
 
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
|Kyle! Sshhh!
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are.
 
''Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo''
 
 
he loves me and I love you
 
he loves me and I love you
 
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
 
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
Even if-
+
Even if-</i></poem>}}
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[stopping Kyle]'' Never mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Kyle's crazy!)}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah.}}
|''[stopping Kyle]'' Never mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila drags him away.}}
|Kenny:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wait...}}
|(Kyle's crazy!)
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Garrison raises his hand.}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Yes, Mr. Garrison.}}
|Yeah.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Looks back, then.}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.}}
|Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww. ''[she drags him away]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Rats!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle's house, the living room. Ike opens up his present - a dreidel. He gives it a spin. The camera pans to the right and stops at Kyle and his dad.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald Broflovski|It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!}}
|Wait…
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila pops out from behind Gerald.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Your father's right, Kyle.}}
|The Mayor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!}}
|Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions? ''[Mr. Garrison raises his and]'' Yyes, Mr. Garrison.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila pops out again.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Listen to your father, Kyle.}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The dreidel has gone off to the right, and Ike goes after it, bumping into the coffee table. The Channukah menorah on it (day 6) falls on Ike, and he begins to burn.}}
|Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|But dad, he always sh...}}
|The Mayor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Say it!}}
|''[Looks back, then]'' No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Again!}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.}}
|Rats!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila pops out again.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|This is for your own good, bubbe.}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed! You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!}}
! bgcolor="brown"|HAPPY CHANNUKAH
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[softly, under his breath]'' Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|What did you say?!}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle enters his room.}}
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[Kyle's house, the living room. Ike opens up his present - a dreidel. He gives it a spin. The camera pans to the right and stops at Kyle and his dad]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I said Ike's on fire!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Ike|Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Oh my God!}}
|It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Gerald quickly smothers Ike with a blanket to douse the flames.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle's house, the bathroom. He is brushing his teeth.}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast!}}
|''[popping out behind Mr. Broflovski]'' Your father's right, Kyle.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A voice is echoing from the toilet}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Voice|Kyle.}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle faces the toilet, then returns to brushing his teeth.}}
|Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I'm not hearing that.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Voice|''Kyle.''}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle hops down and goes to the toilet, then looks into it.}}
|''[popping out again]'' Listen to your father, Kyle.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Mr. Hankey?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey pops up and makes his entrance wearing white gloves and a red elf cap.}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Howwwwdy-hoooo.}}
|''[The dreidel has gone off to the right, and Ike goes after it, bumping into the coffee table. The Channukah menorah on it (day 6) falls on Ike, and he begins to burn]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey jumps onto the sink.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell.}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[now wary]'' Go away, Mr. Hankey.}}
|Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|You know something, Kyle? You smell an awful lot like flowers.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I said go away! My father said you aren't real.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Not real? Well shucks. If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song?}}
|But dad, he always sh…
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He begins to sing. As he does so, he skips around the room and leaves bits of poo behind.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|<poem><i>Santa Claus is on his way
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
|Say it!
 
  +
To drop them off on Christmas Day
|-
 
  +
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.</i></poem>}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.}}
|There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|<poem><i>Folks'll gather round the fire
|-
 
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
|Again!
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
 
|-
 
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
|''[popping out again]'' This is for your own good, bubbe.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
|Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed! You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''[softly, under his breath]'' Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
|What did you say?!
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''[entering his room]'' I said Ike's on fire!
 
|-
 
|Ike:
 
|Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?
 
|-
 
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
|Oh my God! ''[Mr. Broflovski quickly smothers Ike with a blanket to douse the flames]''
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[Kyle's house, the bathroom. He is brushing his teeth]''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast!
 
|-
 
|Voice:
 
|''[echoing from the toilet] Kyle''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''[faces the toilet, then returns to brushing his teeth]'' I'm not hearing that.
 
|-
 
|Voice:
 
|''Kyle''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''[Hops down and goes to the toilet, then looks into it]'' Mr. Hankey?
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''[Pops up and makes his entrance with white gloves and red elf cap]'' Howwwwdy-hoooo. ''[jumps onto the sink]'' Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''[now wary]'' Go away, Mr. Hankey.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''[speaking rather slowly]'' You know something, Kyle? You smell an awful lot like flowers.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|I said go away! My father said you aren't real.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|Not real? Well shucks. If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song? ''[His begins to sing. As he does so, he skips around the room and leaves bits of poo behind] ''''Santa Claus is on his wayHe's loaded goodies on his sleighTo drop them off on Christmas Day
 
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''Folks'll gather round the fire''
 
 
sing a song, stroll the choir
 
sing a song, stroll the choir
 
Pretty song they'll all retire
 
Pretty song they'll all retire
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'
+
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.</i></poem>}}
  +
{{ScriptScene|He leaves 'NOEL' written in poop on the vanity mirror.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Gerald knocks on the door.}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Kyle, what are you doing in there?}}
|''[He leaves 'NOEL' on the vanity mirror]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Nothing.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He knocks again.}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Open this door!}}
|''[knocks]'' Kyle, what are you doing in there?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|<poem><i>I hope that Santa comes real soon
|-
 
  +
I've been waiting for some we...</i></poem>}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Mr. Hankey, come here.}}
|Nothing.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey and muffles him, and turns as Gerald opens the door. Gerald sees a bathroom smeared with feces everywhere, and a boy facing him holding a big piece of it in his left hand. He gasps and remains speechless.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|KYLE!}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle throttles the poo.}}
|''[knocks]'' Open this door!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Say something, Mr. Hankey!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|It falls over, and Kyle looks forsaken.}}
|Mr. Hankey:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle's bedroom. Kyle is now in bed.}}
|''I hope that Santa comes real soon''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!}}
I've been waiting for some we…
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Whatwhatwhaaat?! Me?!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Gerald looks towards his room and quickly closes the door.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey is now on Kyle's comforter.}}
|Mr. Hankey, come here. ''[grabs and muffles him, and turns as Mr. Broflovski opens the door. Mr. Broflovski sees a bathroom smeared with feces everywhere, and a boy facing him holding a big piece of it in his left hand. He gasps and remains speechless, then]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Howdy-ho!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.}}
|KYLE!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Aw, gee, that's too bad.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey! How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.}}
|''[Throttles the poo]'' Say something, Mr. Hankey! ''[It falls over, and Kyle looks forsaken]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah! We'll show them!}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle smiles, pleased with the idea.}}
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[Kyle's bedroom. Kyle is now in bed]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Downtown South Park.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd sets about dismantling the decorations. A man removes Santa's head from his sleigh and tosses it onto the street.}}
|Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Uncle Jimbo calls forth from his shop.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Uncle Jimbo|Is mistletoe offensive?}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Is anyone offended by mistletoe?}}
|Whatwhatwhaaat?! Me?! ''[Mr. Broflovski looks towards his room and quickly closes the door.]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|One man raises his hand.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Lose the mistletoe!}}
|Mr. Hankey:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Jimbo clips it off.}}
|''[now on Kyle's comforter]'' Howdy-ho!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Bus stop.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|How do ''you'' know?}}
|Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what ''I'm'' getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.}}
|Mr. Hankey:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|What's that?}}
|You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I don't know, but it sounds pretty ''sweet''.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle arrives.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hello, everybodyyy.}}
|Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|What's in the box, dude?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|It's a surprise.}}
|Mr. Hankey:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Let me see!}}
|Aw, gee, that's too bad.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The boys gather around the box.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|O-Okay. But don't scare him...}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A shot of what Mr. Hankey sees as Stan pops the lid open, then a top-down view as the poo is shown in all its glory. Cartman and Stan blink.}}
|Hey! How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[angrily]'' Dude, sick!!!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle looks down at his poo.}}
|Mr. Hankey:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?}}
|Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wait! You guys! He's alive!}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle jostles the box.}}
|Yeah! We'll show them! ''[smiles, pleased with the idea]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle is shaking the box now.}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Come on, dance! Daaance! Dance, damn you!!}}
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[Downtown South Park]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Research Center, a Researcher is shown before at least six subjects.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Researcher|Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?}}
|The Mayor:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The group looks back at him.}}
|Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group! ''[The crowd sets about dismantling the decorations. A man removes Santa's head from his sleigh and tosses it onto the street]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Researcher|Here we go: Christ}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Two responses.}}
|Uncle Jimbo:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Researcher|Hm. Okay. Cherub.}}
|''[calling forth from Jimbo's Guns]'' Is mistletoe offensive?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|No response.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Researcher|Hm... Camel}}
|The Mayor:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|One response.}}
|Is anyone offended by mistletoe? ''[a man raises his hand]'' Lose the mistletoe! ''[Jimbo clips it off]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Researcher|Hm. Sad.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|No response.}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Researcher|Stupid Wop Dago.}}
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[Bus stop]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|All respond.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Researcher|Bench...}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary, the school gym. The janitors are clearing out the decorations.}}
|You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Janitor 2|Mayor's orders.}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.}}
|How do ''you'' know?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Thanks to Kyle's ''mother''.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Shut up, Cartman!}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs.}}
|'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Cartman raises his hand.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Yes, Eric?}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch", in D minor.}}
|Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what ''I'm'' getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|<poem>''O''-ho. ''Weeeeeeeeeellll''
|Stan:
 
  +
<i>Kyle's mom is a bitch,
|What's that?
 
  +
she's a big fat bitch,
|-
 
  +
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
|Cartman:
 
  +
She a stupid bitch,
|I don't know, but it sounds pretty ''sweet''.
 
  +
if there ever was a bitch,
|-
 
  +
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.</i></poem>}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Shut up, Cartman!}}
|''[arriving]'' Hello, everybodyyy.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey pops to life.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Howdy-ho!}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[hushed]'' Mr. Hankey.}}
|What's in the box, dude?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|<poem><i>Monday she's a bitch,
|-
 
  +
on Tuesday she's a bitch,
|Kyle:
 
  +
on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
|It's a surprise.
 
  +
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
|-
 
  +
she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!</i></poem>}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The class is clapping along gleefully by now, while Kyle looks at Cartman with ire.}}
|Let me see! ''[the boys gather around the box]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Golly, that isn't very nice.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle turns to hear him.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.}}
|O-Okay. But don't scare him…
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Garrison joins in the clapping, but he's off beat.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|<poem><i>Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
|
 
  +
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
|''[A shot of what Mr. Hankey sees as Stan pops the lid open, then a top-down view as the poo is shown in all its glory. Cartman and Stan blink]''
 
  +
She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair,
|-
 
  +
she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
|Stan:
 
  +
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
|''[angrily]'' Dude, sick!!! ''[Kyle looks down at his poo]''
 
  +
she's a stupid bitch!
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
 
|-
 
|Kenny:
 
|(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Wait! You guys! He's alive! ''[jostles the box]''
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''[shaking the box now]'' Come on, dance! Daaance! Dance, damn you!!
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[Research Center]''
 
|-
 
|Researcher:
 
|''[before at least six subjects]'' Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready? ''[the group looks back]'' Here we go: Christ ''[two responses]'' Hm. Okay. Cherub. ''[no response]'' Hm… Camel ''[one response]'' Hm. Sad. ''[no response]'' Stupid Wop Dago. ''[all respond]'' Bench…
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[South Park Elementary, the school gym. The janitors are clearing out the decorations]''
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?
 
|-
 
|Janitor 2:
 
|Mayor's orders.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|Thanks to Kyle's ''mother''.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Shut up, Cartman!
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs. ''[Cartman raises his hand]'' Yes, Eric?
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch", in D minor.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|''O''-ho. ''Weeeeeeeeeellll''Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide worldShe a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the'' boys and girls.''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Shut up, Cartman!
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''[popping up to life]'' Howdy-ho!
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''[hushed]'' Mr. Hankey.
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|''Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch''
 
Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!
 
[the class is clapping gleefully by now]
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''[while Kyle looks at Cartman with ire]'' Golly, that isn't very nice. ''[Kyle turns to hear him]'' I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|''[Mr Garrison joins in the clapping, but he's off the beat]''
 
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
 
She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
 
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch she's a stupid bitch!
 
 
Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!
 
Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!
KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BI-I-I-ITCH - aahh.
+
KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BIIIIII-I-I-ITCH - aahh.</i></poem>}}
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Mr. Hankey, no!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!!}}
|Kyle:
 
|Mr. Hankey, no!
+
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey attacks Cartman.}}
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|What the... }}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The poo is now on the floor, and the class gasps.}}
|Mr. Hankey:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Gross, Kyle!}}
|Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!! ''[attackes Cartman]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Uuuuuuhh...}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|YOU SICK BASTARD!}}
|What the… ''[the poo is now on the floor, and the class gasps]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Some snickers are heard.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The counselor's office, the window showing silhouettes of Kyle and Mr. Mackey. Another student waits outside.}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey, Jr.|Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?}}
|Gross, Kyle!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I ''don't have'' a problem.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Well it-it's my understanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia.}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|What's that?}}
|Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doodoo at Eric?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''Moo''kie-stinks?}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Now I also understand that you're Jewish. Is that right, Kyle?}}
|Uuuuuuhh…
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wull, not on purpose.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Well, sometimes...}}
|YOU SICK BASTARD! ''[snickers are heard]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|And that must make you mad.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Well sure.}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Mad enough to ''kill'', Kyle???}}
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[The counselor's office, the window showing silhouettes of Stan and the counselor. Another student waits outside.]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Mackey looks at him up close.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|No, dude!}}
|Counselor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Oh that's good. You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?}}
|Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|But Mr. Hankey seemed so real...}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Mackey sips from his coffee cup, Mr. hankey is now bathing in the cup.}}
|I ''don't have'' a problem.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Kyle!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle lowers his head.}}
|Counselor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Howdy-ho.}}
|Well it-it's my undertanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle is shocked.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, m'kay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle looks back up in horror at the counselor, who takes another sip of coffee. Kyle closes his eyes in dread anticipation. Mr. Hankey is still bathing in Mr. Mackey's coffee.}}
|What's that?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|<poem><i>Santa's loaded up his sleigh
|-
 
  +
flying around his merry way...</i></poem>}}
|Counselor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac...}}
|Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Mackey notices the poo in his cup and gasps.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey!}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle's mouth is twisted with chagrin.}}
|''Moo''kie-stinks?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary, the school gym. Christmas lights are still hanging and lit.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any ''Christmas'' lights, since they offend people with epilepsy...}}
|Counselor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Students|Hhmm.}}
|Now I also understand that you're Jewish-Is that right, Kyle?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|...so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|a low faucet is dripping next to the outlet, creating a puddle that goes past it. The class looks at the sight, then Kenny goes over...}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison| Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous.}}
|Wull, not on purpose.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kenny tugs at the cords and they come out. He looks at the class, then walks back to his spot.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison| Okay. Now let's practice our...}}
|Counselor:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Mackey rushes in, followed by Kyle.}}
|So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|No! Get away from me!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Here. Just look more closely at it.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, m'kay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! M'kay?}}
|Well, sometimes…
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Mental House.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.}}
|Counselor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse|Reason?}}
|And that must make you mad.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse|Any allergies?}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|No.}}
|Well sure.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse|Jacket!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Two burly men come out through the doors on either side of the nurse and wrap Kyle up, then take him inside, chattering all the while.}}
|Counselor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Bye, Kyle! Happy Channukah!}}
|Mad enough to ''kill, Kyle??? [looks at him up close]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary, the school gym.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on?}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They do, and just look back. The camera now looks out to the audience.}}
|No, dude!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Artsy Man|Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|His Date|Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either. This should be great!}}
|Counselor:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it.}}
|Oh that's good. You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila is now sobbing.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Mental House.}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|<poem><i>Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay
|But Mr. Hankey seemed so real…
 
|-
 
|Counselor:
 
|Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have. ''[sips from his coffee cup]''
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''[now bathing in the cup] Kyle! [Kyle lowers his head]'' Howdy-ho. ''[Kyle is shocked]''
 
|-
 
|Counselor:
 
|Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, mkay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?
 
|-
 
|
 
|''[Kyle looks back up in horror at the counselor, who takes another sip of coffee. Kyle closes his eyes in dread anticipation]''
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''[still bathing in the counselor's coffee]''
 
Santa's loaded up his sleigh
 
flying around his merry way…
 
|-
 
|Counselor:
 
|To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac ''[notices his cup and gasps. A piece of poo is floating around in it]'' Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey! ''[Kyle's mouth is twisted with chagrin]''
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[South Park Elementary, the school gym. Christmas lights are still hanging and lit]''
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any ''Christmas'' lights, since they offend people with epilepsy…
 
|-
 
|Students:
 
|Hhmm
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|…so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?
 
''[a low faucet is dripping next to the outlet, creating a puddle that goes past it. The class looks at the sight, then Kenny goes over…]''
 
Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangeous.
 
''[Kenny tugs at the cords and they come out. He looks at the class, then walks back to his spot]''
 
Okay. Now let's practice our… ''[The counselor rushes in, followed by Kyle]''
 
|-
 
|Counselor:
 
|No! Get away from me!
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Here. Just look more closely at it.
 
|-
 
|Counselor:
 
|No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, mkay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! Mkay?
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[South Park Mental House]''
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.
 
|-
 
|Nurse:
 
|Reason?
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.
 
|-
 
|Nurse:
 
|Any allergies?
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|No.
 
|-
 
|Nurse:
 
|Jacket! ''[two burly men come out through the doors on either side of the nurse and wrap Kyle up, then take him inside, chattering all the while]''
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|Bye, Kyle! Happy Channukah!
 
|-
 
|
 
! bgcolor="#ff7700"|School Christmas Play Tonight
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[South Park Elementary, the school gym.]''
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|Okay, children, does eveyone have their leotards on? ''[they do, and just look back. The camera now looks out to the audience]''
 
|-
 
|Artsy Man:
 
|Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down.
 
|-
 
|His Date:
 
|Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either. This should be great!
 
|-
 
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
|Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it ''[now sobbing]''
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[South Park Mental House]''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay''
 
 
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play
 
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play
 
Second verse, same as the first
 
Second verse, same as the first
  +
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma...</i></poem>}}
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary, the school gym. The MC is on stage.}}
''Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma…''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|MC|Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday...}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Man 1|''[pointing]'' Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians.}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Uncle Jimbo|Oh, come on!}}
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[South Park Elementary, the school gym. The MC is on stage]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Man 1|Hey! Don't put your beliefs on ''me'', buddy!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Randy Marsh|I agree.}}
|MC:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Garrison peeks through the curtain.}}
|Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday…
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh brother.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He steps back.}}
|Man 1:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?}}
|''[pointing]'' Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kenny approaches the ladder and starts climbing.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there.}}
|Uncle Jimbo:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kenny looks down at the pool.}}
|Oh, come on!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Hunh?)}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He looks back at Mr. Garrison.}}
|Man 1:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|MC|Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef.}}
|Hey! Don't put your beliefs on ''me'', buddy!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem><i>I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log
|-
 
|Randy Marsh
 
|I agree.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Garrison:
 
|''[peeking through the curtain]'' Oh brother. ''[steps back]'' Kenny,would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage? ''[Kenny approaches the ladder and starts climbing]'' And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there.
 
|-
 
|Kenny:
 
|''[Looks down at the pool]'' (Hunh?) ''[looks back at Mr. Garrison.]''
 
|-
 
|MC:
 
|Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef.
 
|-
 
| bgcolor="white"|Chef:
 
|''I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log''
 
 
I'm gonna love you right
 
I'm gonna love you right
 
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
 
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
And silence your nights
+
And silence your nights.</i></poem>}}
''[Kenny reaches the star and makes sure he's safe] ''
+
{{ScriptScene|Kenny reaches the star and makes sure he's safe.}}
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem><i>You'll hear the herald angels sing
 
''You'll hear the herald angels sing''
 
 
When I'm sliding off your bra
 
When I'm sliding off your bra
 
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
 
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
and falala your love…
+
and falala your love...
  +
You can break my heart, and that means...</i></poem>}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|I wish Kyle was here. It just doesn't seem right without him.}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem><i>...We should make love,</i></poem>}}
|''[You can break my heart, and that means]'' I wish Kyle was here. It just doesn't seem right without him.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Well. Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem><i>...'Cause if we don't-</i></poem>}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Okay, kids, get ready to take your places.}}
|''[We should make love]'' Well. Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd cheers.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|MC|Thank you, Chef!}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kenny finally descends with the star.}}
|''['Cause if we don't-]'' Okay, kids, get ready to take your places.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Phew!)}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|MC|And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!}}
|MC:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Philip Glass moves into position and start playing his keyboards. The curtains draw back, and the kids look out at the audience. They begin to move around.}}
|''[as the crowd cheers]'' Thank you, Chef!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Voice-over|As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A track saying "Happy Happy Happy, Everybody Happy" is added, along with an arpeggio. Members of the audience look confused.}}
|Kenny:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Voice-over|How like a turtle the sun looks.}}
|''[finally descends in one piece with the star]'' (Phew!)
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|What the hell is this???}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The kids just keep moving and turning.}}
|MC:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|This is horrible!!!}}
|And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|''You're'' the ones who made it this way!}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian.}}
|''[Philip Glass moves into position and start playing his keyboards. The curtains draw back, and the kids look out at the audience. They begin to move around]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|It wasn't ''our'' idea to take out Santa Claus!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Elderly Tree Hugger|All you bastards ruined Christmas!}}
|Voice-over:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd descends into brawling. A person in blue is thrown towards the stage. The Broflovskis trap Father Maxi.}}
|As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes ''[a track saying "Happy Happy Happy, Everybody Happy" is added, along with an arpeggio. Members of the audience look confused]'' How like a turtle the sun looks.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Get him in the ribs!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila punches Father Maxi.}}
|Sheila Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|Oof.}}
|What the hell is this??? ''[The kids just keep moving and turning]'' This is horrible!!!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Picking up the elderly tree-hugger.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Man in audience|Damn tree-hugger!}}
|Priest:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Tosses him away.}}
|This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|Yeah.}}
|Mr. Garrison:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Chef is now on stage behind the children.}}
|''You're'' the ones who made it this way!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Say, where's Kyle?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|We committed him.}}
|Priest:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|What? Why?}}
|Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian. ''[without a nativity scene, how could it be Christian?]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''Chirst''mas poo? You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Huh?! O-oh.}}
|It wasn't ''our'' idea to take out Santa Claus! ''[that was the priest's idea.]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd continues to brawl. Sheila uses a chair on her husband, who quickly falls to the floor. She watches him fall.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A Mr. Hankey Commercial Plays.}}
|Elderly Tree Hugger:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Back at the gym. The man in blue is thrown from his post for the third time - an obvious blooper, as the Broflovskis have Father Maxi trapped again.}}
|All you bastards ruined Christmas!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Well! You can believe in him now.}}
|
 
|''[the crowd descends into brawling. A person in blue is thrown towards the stage. The Broflovskis trap the priest]''
+
{{ScriptScene|A woman backs up across the stage as a man flies towards her. The crowd is more violent now.}}
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Woman|AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|I believe.}}
|Mr. Broflovski:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A piano begins to play softly.}}
|Get him in the ribs! ''[Sheila punches the priest]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Wendy|I believe in Mr. Hankey.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A shoebox at one side of the stage starts to jump, and the lid pops off. Mr. Hankey jumps up and floats in the air, surrounded by pixie dust.}}
|Priest:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!!}}
|Oof.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Everyone on stage gasps.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.}}
|Man in audience:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman, Stan|Whoa!!}}
|''[picking up the elderly tree hugger]'' Damn tree hugger! ''[tosses him away]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Howdy-ho, Chef!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Okay, that does it! Screw this, I'm goin home!}}
|This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Moves toward stage left.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Talking poo is where I draw the line!}}
|Wendy:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|What's all the ruckus?}}
|Yeah.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey. The whole town is about to ''kill'' each other.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!}}
|Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He sees the crowd fighting and whistles. They stop and turn to see him.}}
|''[now on stage behind the children]'' Say, where's Kyle?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|STOP FIGHTING!!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|The Mayor|Oh my God, what the hell is ''that'' thing?}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Come on, gang, don't fight. You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it. Don't you see? This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, "Aw, the heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies".}}
|We committed him.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Father Maxi finally gets up from the floor as a single person begins to clap, and the crowd turns to see that the person clapping is Gerald. Then others start clapping and the town begins to cheer. Mr. Hankey is overjoyed at the response.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.}}
|Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Mental House. Kyle sits on the floor of a padded room.}}
|What? Why?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|<poem><i>I'm a Jew
|-
 
  +
A lonely Jew...</i></poem>}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!}}
|'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Thinking it's a hallucination.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Oh no, I'm not sane yet!}}
|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|I brought some friends with me.}}
|''[…and everywhere that Kyle went the poo was sure to go]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Friends?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle gets up and looks lout a small window. He sees all the townsfolk and smiles, relieved.}}
|Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Townsfolk|Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!}}
|''Chirst''mas poo? You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|You mean you can see him? Ah-I'm not crazy?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The nurse releases him and he rushes out the door. Mr. Hankey follows.}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Townsfolk|<poem><i>Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo...</i></poem>}}
|Huh?! O-oh.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey kisses Kyle.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Townsfolk|<poem><i>...he loves me and I love you
|
 
  +
Therefore, vicariously he loves you...</i></poem>}}
|''[The crowd continues to brawl. Sheila uses a chair on her husband, who quickly falls to the floor. She watches him fall]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey begins tossing presents to everyone.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Townsfolk|<poem><i>...Even if you're a Jew</i></poem>}}
|''[Mr. Hankey Commercial]''
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Pirrip|<poem><i>Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny,
|-
 
  +
he can be brown or greenish-brown
|
 
  +
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[Back at the gym. The man in blue is thrown from his post for the third time - an obvious blooper, as the Broflovskis have the priest trapped again]''
 
  +
he might come to your town</i></poem>}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Townsfolk|<poem><i>Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
|Stan:
 
|This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!
 
|-
 
|Chef:
 
|Well! You can believe in him now. ''[a woman backs up across the stage as a man flies towards her. The crowd is more violent now]''
 
|-
 
|Woman:
 
|AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|I believe. ''[a piano begins to play softly]''
 
|-
 
|Wendy:
 
|I believe in Mr. Hankey.
 
|-
 
|
 
|''[A shoebox at one side of the stage starts to jump, and the lid pops off. Mr. Hankey jumps up and floats in the air, surrounded by pixie dust]''
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!! ''[all on stage gasp]'' Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.
 
|-
 
|Cartman, Stan:
 
|Whoa!!
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|Howdy-ho, Chef!
 
|-
 
|Chef:
 
|Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!
 
|-
 
|Cartman:
 
|Okay, that does it! Screw this, I'm goin home! ''[moving towards stage left]'' Talking poo is where I draw the line!
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|What's all the ruckus?
 
|-
 
|Chef:
 
|I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey. The whole town is about to ''kill'' each other.
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey! ''[he sees the crowd fighting and whistles. They stop and turn to see him]'' STOP FIGHTING!!
 
|-
 
|The Mayor:
 
|Oh my God, what the hell is ''that'' thing?
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|Come on, gang, don't fight. You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it. Don't you see? This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, "Aw, the heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies" ''[the priest finally gets up from the floor]''
 
|-
 
|
 
|''[A single person begins to clap, and the crowd turns to see that the person clapping is Mr. Broflovski. Then others start clapping and the town begins to cheer. Mr. Hankey is overjoyed at the response]''
 
|-
 
|Stan:
 
|Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[South Park Mental House. Kyle sits on the floor of a padded room]''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''I'm a Jew''
 
A lonely Jew…
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''Howdy-ho, Kyle!!! ''
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|''[thinking it's a hallucination]'' Oh no, I'm not sane yet!
 
|-
 
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|I brought some friends with me.
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|Friends? ''[gets up and looks lout a small window. He sees all the townsfolk and smiles, relieved]''
 
|-
 
|Townsfolk:
 
|Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!
 
|-
 
|Kyle:
 
|You mean you can see him? Ah-I'm not crazy? ''[the nurse releases him and he rushes out the door. Mr. Hankey follows]''
 
|-
 
|Townsfolk:
 
|''Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo [kisses Kyle]''
 
he loves me and I love you
 
Therefore, vicariously he loves you [begins tossing presents to everyone]
 
Even if you're a Jew
 
|-
 
|Mr. Pirrip:
 
|''Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish-brown''
 
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might come to your town
 
|-
 
|Townsfolk:
 
|''Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo''
 
 
He loves me. I love you
 
He loves me. I love you
Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!
+
Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!</i></poem>}}
  +
{{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey, during the second chorus.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Hankey|Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas.}}
|Mr. Hankey:
 
|''[during the second chorus]'' Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas ''[floats up to meet Santa as he passes by]''
+
{{ScriptScene|He floats up to meet Santa as he passes by.}}
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Good-bye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Santa Claus|Howdy-ho ho ho!}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are okay. And that...Hanukkah can be cool, too.}}
|Good-bye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah...''[concerned]'' You know, it seems like something's still not right.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The camera pans over to Kenny.}}
|Santa:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah, something feels...unfinished.}}
|Howdy-ho ho ho!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Drum roll.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Wh-what could it be?}}
|Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The drum roll heads for a climax.}}
|You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are okay. And that…Channukah can be cool, too.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|THE END.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Yee he hee!)}}
|Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|End credits roll.}}
|Yeah…''[concerned]'' You know, it seems like something's still not right. ''[camera pans to Kenny]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Public Access. A light is on.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Jesus is on the '''Jesus and Pals''' set alone.}}
|Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|<poem><i>Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...</i></poem>}}
|Yeah, something feels…unfinished ''[drum roll]''
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Jesus blows out the candle on his cake and ends up in the dark. He blinks. Credits resume rolling.}}
|-
 
  +
}}
|Stan:
 
|Wh-what could it be? ''[the drum roll heads for a climax]''
 
|-
 
|
 
!THE END
 
|-
 
|Kenny:
 
|(Yee he hee!) ''[end credits roll]''
 
|-
 
|
 
| bgcolor="#dcba98"|''[South Park Public Access. A light is on]''
 
|-
 
|Jesus:
 
|''[on the '''Jesus and Pals''' set alone]''
 
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me…
 
[blows out the candle on his cake and ends up in the dark. He blinks. Credits resume rolling]
 
|-
 
|
 
|''[End of '''A South Park Christmas''']''
 
|}
 
 
 
 
{{Episodemedia01|episode=10}}
 
{{Episodemedia01|episode=10}}
[[Category:Scripts]]
 
 
[[Category:Scripts from Season One]]
 
[[Category:Scripts from Season One]]

Revision as of 05:04, 24 November 2017


Starvin' Marvin "Starvin' Marvin/Script" "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo/Script" "Damien/Script" Damien
The official script for "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

Script

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
The kids are gathered on stage at one end of South Park Elementary's gym.
Class

We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!

Stan steps forth from the choir and heads towards center stage.
Stan
Lights, please.
The lights dim. He steps into the spotlight and quotes from the Gospel of Luke (2:8-11,14).
Stan

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields,
keeping watch over their flocks by night.
And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them,
and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them,
'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy,
for born unto you this day in the city of
...David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord.
Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace,
goodwill towards men'

And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus.
Stan steps aside while presenting the Nativity scene. The curtains open, and nine students stand in and around the grotto. Kenny is the angel floating above the manger, Wendy is Mary, about to give birth; Kyle is Joseph, ready to receive Jesus; Cartman is one of the three shepherds on the left side of the stage, and three Wise Men stand on the right side. Wendy is simulating birth pangs.
Wendy
Unh [labored breathing] Oh!
Kyle
Come on, Mary! Push!
Wendy
Aaaah!
Kyle
I can see its head!
Wendy
UUuuhh-UUuuhh.
A doll pops out beside Mary and flips through the air. Joseph catches it.
Kyle
It's a boy!
Unfortunately, he's now holding the doll wrong.
Cartman
Oohhhh!
Kenny
(Kyle has Jesus' head instead!)
Mr. Garrison
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?
Kyle
...Sorry.
Mr. Garrison
And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.
Wendy
Okay.
Sheila approaches Mr. Garrison.
Sheila
Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
Mr. Garrison
Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head.
Mary and Joseph are now looking at them argue.
Sheila
How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!
Kyle drops his head.
Mr. Garrison
...So?
Sheila
So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
Mr. Garrison
Because it's Christmas???
Sheila
Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
All the kids gasp.
Mr. Garrison
Oh god, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me, are you?
Sheila
Whatwhatwhaaat?!? You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!
Cartman
Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
Kyle shoots back.
Kyle
Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman
I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
Stan
Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?
Mr. Garrison
Oh-kay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
Sheila
How about the dreidel song, bubbe?
Kyle
I can sing the Mr. Hankey song...
Mr. Garrison
The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?
Kyle

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love y-

Stan
Christmas Poo?
Cartman
What the hell is Christmas Poo?
Kyle
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?
Sheila
Kyle, that is enough!
Mr. Garrison
See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.
Sheila
Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison.
Mr. Garrison interrupts and follows her
Mr. Garrison
Oh wait wait wait. I'm sorry. Was it the pagan remark?
Wendy gets up.
Wendy
You guys, look! It's snowing!
Snow is seen through a window. The kids step out of costume and rush out of school to take advantage of this opportunity, cheering all the way.
In the school playground.
Stan
Whoa, Christmas snow!
Wendy
Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue.
A soft instrumental starts up.
Wendy
It's fun.
The kids shuffle back and forth catching snowflakes. When Kenny looks up an eagle passes overhead and dumps a load - right on Kenny's face.
Cartman is watching with glee.
Kenny
P'tooui.
Stan
That was sick, dude!
Cartman seeing Kyle lolling for a snowflake.
Cartman
Hey!
Kyle is taken aback
Cartman
What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!
Kyle
We can, too!
Stan
...Nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude.
Kyle
Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady
What?
A car screeches to a halt as Officer Barbrady raises his arm.
Kyle
Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
After a long pause.
Officer Barbrady
Yyess.
Kyle
Damnit!
Stan
Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman
Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
Kyle
No. But I get Hanukkah presents for eight days.
Cartman
Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
Stan
We'll catch up with you later, Kyle.
Stan walks off with Wendy and the others.
Kyle
Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Stan
Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?
Kyle
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Cartman
Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now.
Kyle
Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!
Cartman
You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle.
Cartman and walks away.
Stan
See you around, dude.
Stan follows Cartman away.
Kyle is left alone in the playground as winds howl around him. The camera zooms in on him as the intro to his song plays.
Kyle

It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me join in any games
And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
On Christmas...

He walks away, then peeks at the mall from behind a tree. Stan is on Santa's lap while Cartman and Kenny wait in line, now forming on Santa's left.
Kyle

Channukah is nice, but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latke
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish
And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please?
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
I'd be merry
But I'm Hebrew
On Christ-maas.

He walks down the road, past a Toy Shoppe and a stand of Christmas trees. The camera pulls back as he walks out of view.
Outside City Hall a crowd gathers.
Mayor McDaniels
Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.
Large woman
Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!
Some men
No! Wrong!
Kyle appearing among his friends.
Kyle
What's going on, you guys?
Stan
The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet.
Sheila
That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!
Mr. Garrison
You are the Jewish community!
Crowd
Yeah! Yeah!
Cartman
Oh, boy! Super-bitch is at it again!
Kyle
Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Father Maxi
Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too!
The crowd cheers in agreement.
Woman
Hallelujah!
Man
Amen!
Tree hugger
And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
Man 1
Raah!
Man 2
Give me a break!
Uncle Jimbo
And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it.
The crowd processes Jimbo's words.
Crowd
Yeah! Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels
Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.
Assistant 1
Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor!
The crowd mulls over the suggestion.
Kyle
Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?
Mayor McDaniels
Ex-cuse me?
Kyle
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Sheila
Kyle! Sshhh!
Kyle
It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are.

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
Even if-

Cartman
[stopping Kyle] Never mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.
Kenny
(Kyle's crazy!)
Stan
Yeah.
Sheila
Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww.
Sheila drags him away.
Kyle
Wait...
Mayor McDaniels
Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions?
Mr. Garrison raises his hand.
Mayor McDaniels
Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Looks back, then.
Mayor McDaniels
No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.
Mr. Garrison
Rats!
Kyle's house, the living room. Ike opens up his present - a dreidel. He gives it a spin. The camera pans to the right and stops at Kyle and his dad.
Gerald Broflovski
It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!
Sheila pops out from behind Gerald.
Sheila
Your father's right, Kyle.
Gerald
Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!
Sheila pops out again.
Sheila
Listen to your father, Kyle.
The dreidel has gone off to the right, and Ike goes after it, bumping into the coffee table. The Channukah menorah on it (day 6) falls on Ike, and he begins to burn.
Gerald
Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'.
Kyle
But dad, he always sh...
Gerald
Say it!
Kyle
There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Gerald
Again!
Kyle
There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Sheila pops out again.
Sheila
This is for your own good, bubbe.
Gerald
Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed! You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!
Kyle
[softly, under his breath] Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.
Gerald
What did you say?!
Kyle enters his room.
Kyle
I said Ike's on fire!
Ike
Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?
Sheila
Oh my God!
Gerald quickly smothers Ike with a blanket to douse the flames.
Kyle's house, the bathroom. He is brushing his teeth.
Kyle
It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast!
A voice is echoing from the toilet
Voice
Kyle.
Kyle faces the toilet, then returns to brushing his teeth.
Kyle
I'm not hearing that.
Voice
Kyle.
Kyle hops down and goes to the toilet, then looks into it.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey pops up and makes his entrance wearing white gloves and a red elf cap.
Mr. Hankey
Howwwwdy-hoooo.
Mr. Hankey jumps onto the sink.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell.
Kyle
[now wary] Go away, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey
You know something, Kyle? You smell an awful lot like flowers.
Kyle
I said go away! My father said you aren't real.
Mr. Hankey
Not real? Well shucks. If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song?
He begins to sing. As he does so, he skips around the room and leaves bits of poo behind.
Mr. Hankey

Santa Claus is on his way
He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
To drop them off on Christmas Day
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.

Kyle
Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
Mr. Hankey

Folks'll gather round the fire
sing a song, stroll the choir
Pretty song they'll all retire
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.

He leaves 'NOEL' written in poop on the vanity mirror.
Gerald knocks on the door.
Gerald
Kyle, what are you doing in there?
Kyle
Nothing.
He knocks again.
Gerald
Open this door!
Mr. Hankey

I hope that Santa comes real soon
I've been waiting for some we...

Kyle
Mr. Hankey, come here.
Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey and muffles him, and turns as Gerald opens the door. Gerald sees a bathroom smeared with feces everywhere, and a boy facing him holding a big piece of it in his left hand. He gasps and remains speechless.
Gerald
KYLE!
Kyle throttles the poo.
Kyle
Say something, Mr. Hankey!
It falls over, and Kyle looks forsaken.
Kyle's bedroom. Kyle is now in bed.
Gerald
Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!
Sheila
Whatwhatwhaaat?! Me?!
Gerald looks towards his room and quickly closes the door.
Mr. Hankey is now on Kyle's comforter.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho!
Kyle
Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?
Mr. Hankey
You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.
Kyle
Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.
Mr. Hankey
Aw, gee, that's too bad.
Kyle
Hey! How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.
Mr. Hankey
Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.
Kyle
Yeah! We'll show them!
Kyle smiles, pleased with the idea.
Downtown South Park.
Mayor McDaniels
Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!
The crowd sets about dismantling the decorations. A man removes Santa's head from his sleigh and tosses it onto the street.
Uncle Jimbo calls forth from his shop.
Uncle Jimbo
Is mistletoe offensive?
Mayor McDaniels
Is anyone offended by mistletoe?
One man raises his hand.
Mayor McDaniels
Lose the mistletoe!
Jimbo clips it off.
Bus stop.
Stan
You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!
Cartman
How do you know?
Stan
'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman
Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan
What's that?
Cartman
I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.
Kyle arrives.
Kyle
Hello, everybodyyy.
Stan
What's in the box, dude?
Kyle
It's a surprise.
Cartman
Let me see!
The boys gather around the box.
Kyle
O-Okay. But don't scare him...
A shot of what Mr. Hankey sees as Stan pops the lid open, then a top-down view as the poo is shown in all its glory. Cartman and Stan blink.
Stan
[angrily] Dude, sick!!!
Kyle looks down at his poo.
Cartman
Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Kenny
(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)
Kyle
Wait! You guys! He's alive!
Kyle jostles the box.
Stan
Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.
Kyle is shaking the box now.
Kyle
Come on, dance! Daaance! Dance, damn you!!
Research Center, a Researcher is shown before at least six subjects.
Researcher
Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?
The group looks back at him.
Researcher
Here we go: Christ
Two responses.
Researcher
Hm. Okay. Cherub.
No response.
Researcher
Hm... Camel
One response.
Researcher
Hm. Sad.
No response.
Researcher
Stupid Wop Dago.
All respond.
Researcher
Bench...
South Park Elementary, the school gym. The janitors are clearing out the decorations.
Mr. Garrison
Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?
Janitor 2
Mayor's orders.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman
Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle
Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison
So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs.
Cartman raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison
Yes, Eric?
Cartman
How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch", in D minor.
Kyle
I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Cartman

O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll
Kyle's mom is a bitch,
she's a big fat bitch,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She a stupid bitch,
if there ever was a bitch,
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Kyle
Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Hankey pops to life.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho!
Kyle
[hushed] Mr. Hankey.
Cartman

Monday she's a bitch,
on Tuesday she's a bitch,
on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!

The class is clapping along gleefully by now, while Kyle looks at Cartman with ire.
Mr. Hankey
Golly, that isn't very nice.
Kyle turns to hear him.
Mr. Hankey
I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.
Mr. Garrison joins in the clapping, but he's off beat.
Cartman

Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair,
she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
she's a stupid bitch!
Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!
KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BIIIIII-I-I-ITCH - aahh.

Kyle
Mr. Hankey, no!
Mr. Hankey
Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!!
Mr. Hankey attacks Cartman.
Mr. Garrison
What the...
The poo is now on the floor, and the class gasps.
Cartman
Gross, Kyle!
Mr. Garrison
Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?
Kyle
Uuuuuuhh...
Cartman
YOU SICK BASTARD!
Some snickers are heard.
The counselor's office, the window showing silhouettes of Kyle and Mr. Mackey. Another student waits outside.
Mr. Mackey, Jr.
Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?
Kyle
I don't have a problem.
Mr. Mackey
Well it-it's my understanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia.
Kyle
What's that?
Mr. Mackey
Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.
Kyle
Mookie-stinks?
Mr. Mackey
Now I also understand that you're Jewish. Is that right, Kyle?
Kyle
Wull, not on purpose.
Mr. Mackey
So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?
Kyle
Well, sometimes...
Mr. Mackey
And that must make you mad.
Kyle
Well sure.
Mr. Mackey
Mad enough to kill, Kyle???
Mr. Mackey looks at him up close.
Kyle
No, dude!
Mr. Mackey
Oh that's good. You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?
Kyle
But Mr. Hankey seemed so real...
Mr. Mackey
Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have.
Mr. Mackey sips from his coffee cup, Mr. hankey is now bathing in the cup.
Mr. Hankey
Kyle!
Kyle lowers his head.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho.
Kyle is shocked.
Mr. Mackey
Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, m'kay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?
Kyle looks back up in horror at the counselor, who takes another sip of coffee. Kyle closes his eyes in dread anticipation. Mr. Hankey is still bathing in Mr. Mackey's coffee.
Mr. Hankey

Santa's loaded up his sleigh
flying around his merry way...

Mr. Mackey
To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac...
Mr. Mackey notices the poo in his cup and gasps.
Mr. Mackey
Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey!
Kyle's mouth is twisted with chagrin.
South Park Elementary, the school gym. Christmas lights are still hanging and lit.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy...
Students
Hhmm.
Mr. Garrison
...so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?
a low faucet is dripping next to the outlet, creating a puddle that goes past it. The class looks at the sight, then Kenny goes over...
Mr. Garrison
Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous.
Kenny tugs at the cords and they come out. He looks at the class, then walks back to his spot.
Mr. Garrison
Okay. Now let's practice our...
Mr. Mackey rushes in, followed by Kyle.
Mr. Mackey
No! Get away from me!
Kyle
Here. Just look more closely at it.
Mr. Mackey
No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, m'kay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! M'kay?
South Park Mental House.
Stan
Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.
Nurse
Reason?
Kyle
I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.
Nurse
Any allergies?
Kyle
No.
Nurse
Jacket!
Two burly men come out through the doors on either side of the nurse and wrap Kyle up, then take him inside, chattering all the while.
Cartman
Bye, Kyle! Happy Channukah!
South Park Elementary, the school gym.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on?
They do, and just look back. The camera now looks out to the audience.
Artsy Man
Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down.
His Date
Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either. This should be great!
Sheila
Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it.
Sheila is now sobbing.
South Park Mental House.
Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play
Second verse, same as the first
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma...

South Park Elementary, the school gym. The MC is on stage.
MC
Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday...
Man 1
[pointing] Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians.
Uncle Jimbo
Oh, come on!
Man 1
Hey! Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!
Randy Marsh
I agree.
Mr. Garrison peeks through the curtain.
Mr. Garrison
Oh brother.
He steps back.
Mr. Garrison
Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?
Kenny approaches the ladder and starts climbing.
Mr. Garrison
And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there.
Kenny looks down at the pool.
Kenny
(Hunh?)
He looks back at Mr. Garrison.
MC
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef.
Chef

I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log
I'm gonna love you right
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
And silence your nights.

Kenny reaches the star and makes sure he's safe.
Chef

You'll hear the herald angels sing
When I'm sliding off your bra
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
and falala your love...
You can break my heart, and that means...

Stan
I wish Kyle was here. It just doesn't seem right without him.
Chef

...We should make love,

Cartman
Well. Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it.
Chef

...'Cause if we don't-

Mr. Garrison
Okay, kids, get ready to take your places.
The crowd cheers.
MC
Thank you, Chef!
Kenny finally descends with the star.
Kenny
(Phew!)
MC
And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!
Philip Glass moves into position and start playing his keyboards. The curtains draw back, and the kids look out at the audience. They begin to move around.
Voice-over
As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes.
A track saying "Happy Happy Happy, Everybody Happy" is added, along with an arpeggio. Members of the audience look confused.
Voice-over
How like a turtle the sun looks.
Sheila
What the hell is this???
The kids just keep moving and turning.
Sheila
This is horrible!!!
Father Maxi
This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!
Mr. Garrison
You're the ones who made it this way!
Father Maxi
Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian.
Gerald
It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!
Elderly Tree Hugger
All you bastards ruined Christmas!
The crowd descends into brawling. A person in blue is thrown towards the stage. The Broflovskis trap Father Maxi.
Gerald
Get him in the ribs!
Sheila punches Father Maxi.
Father Maxi
Oof.
Picking up the elderly tree-hugger.
Man in audience
Damn tree-hugger!
Tosses him away.
Stan
This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen.
Wendy
Yeah.
Chef is now on stage behind the children.
Chef
Say, where's Kyle?
Stan
We committed him.
Chef
What? Why?
Cartman
'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.
Chef
Chirstmas poo? You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.
Stan
Huh?! O-oh.
The crowd continues to brawl. Sheila uses a chair on her husband, who quickly falls to the floor. She watches him fall.
A Mr. Hankey Commercial Plays.
Back at the gym. The man in blue is thrown from his post for the third time - an obvious blooper, as the Broflovskis have Father Maxi trapped again.
Stan
This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!
Chef
Well! You can believe in him now.
A woman backs up across the stage as a man flies towards her. The crowd is more violent now.
Woman
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.
Stan
I believe.
A piano begins to play softly.
Wendy
I believe in Mr. Hankey.
A shoebox at one side of the stage starts to jump, and the lid pops off. Mr. Hankey jumps up and floats in the air, surrounded by pixie dust.
Mr. Hankey
Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!!
Everyone on stage gasps.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.
Cartman, Stan
Whoa!!
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, Chef!
Chef
Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!
Cartman
Okay, that does it! Screw this, I'm goin home!
Moves toward stage left.
Cartman
Talking poo is where I draw the line!
Mr. Hankey
What's all the ruckus?
Chef
I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey. The whole town is about to kill each other.
Mr. Hankey
I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!
He sees the crowd fighting and whistles. They stop and turn to see him.
Mr. Hankey
STOP FIGHTING!!
The Mayor
Oh my God, what the hell is that thing?
Mr. Hankey
Come on, gang, don't fight. You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it. Don't you see? This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, "Aw, the heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies".
Father Maxi finally gets up from the floor as a single person begins to clap, and the crowd turns to see that the person clapping is Gerald. Then others start clapping and the town begins to cheer. Mr. Hankey is overjoyed at the response.
Stan
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
South Park Mental House. Kyle sits on the floor of a padded room.
Kyle

I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew...

Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!
Thinking it's a hallucination.
Kyle
Oh no, I'm not sane yet!
Mr. Hankey
I brought some friends with me.
Kyle
Friends?
Kyle gets up and looks lout a small window. He sees all the townsfolk and smiles, relieved.
Townsfolk
Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!
Kyle
You mean you can see him? Ah-I'm not crazy?
The nurse releases him and he rushes out the door. Mr. Hankey follows.
Townsfolk

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo...

Mr. Hankey kisses Kyle.
Townsfolk

...he loves me and I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you...

Mr. Hankey begins tossing presents to everyone.
Townsfolk

...Even if you're a Jew

Mr. Pirrip

Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny,
he can be brown or greenish-brown
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,
he might come to your town

Townsfolk

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
He loves me. I love you
Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!

Mr. Hankey, during the second chorus.
Mr. Hankey
Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas.
He floats up to meet Santa as he passes by.
Cartman
Good-bye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!
Santa Claus
Howdy-ho ho ho!
Stan
You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are okay. And that...Hanukkah can be cool, too.
Kyle
Yeah...[concerned] You know, it seems like something's still not right.
The camera pans over to Kenny.
Cartman
Yeah, something feels...unfinished.
Drum roll.
Stan
Wh-what could it be?
The drum roll heads for a climax.
THE END.
Kenny
(Yee he hee!)
End credits roll.
South Park Public Access. A light is on.
Jesus is on the Jesus and Pals set alone.
Jesus

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...

Jesus blows out the candle on his cake and ends up in the dark. He blinks. Credits resume rolling.
End of Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo


  110: "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" edit
Story Elements

Mr. HankeyKyle BroflovskiMr. Hankey Construction SetSouth Park Mental House • "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (Song)" • "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" • "The Lonely Jew on Christmas" • "Santa Claus is On His Way" • "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch" • "Christmas Lovin'" • "Happy, Happy, Happy" • "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" • "Happy Birthday to Me"

Media

ImagesScriptExtrasWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First SeasonChristmas Time in South ParkSouth Park Volume 3