More Crap/Script

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"Le Petit Tourette/Script"

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Cast

• Randy Marsh
• Gerald Broflovski
• Jimbo Kern
• Skeeter
• Stephen Stotch
• Stuart McCormick
• Sharon Marsh
• Shelly Marsh
• Stan Marsh
• Dr. Doctor and assistant
• Broloff
• Chubby official
• Third official
• Bono
• Butler
• Anchorman
• Female anchor
• M. C.
• Man
• Secretary
• Senator

Script

More Crap
	Hell's Pass hospital, a patient's room. Randy is sitting on a bed as Dr. Doctor checks his vitals. Randy lets out a sigh of pain.
Dr. Doctor	Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Mr. Marsh. You are constipated. [walks over to a table]
Randy	[quite aware] Thanks for the news flash! I haven't taken a crap in over three weeks! The question is why?!
Dr. Doctor	Well, what food have you been eating?
Randy	P.F. Chang's, mostly. [rubs his stomach] Good stuff.
Dr. Doctor	I'm going to prescribe a laxative. [writes out the prescription and turns around] But I must warn you: when you do finally pass this stool, it might be very painful.
Randy	How painful is "painful"?
	The Marsh house, night. Randy is in the bathroom trying to crap. He strains and groans for a good long while.
	an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Randy	Oh God. Oh, here it comes. [he goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times. A few seconds later, the banner and award disappear] Whoa, hot! Hot hot! Whoaaa hot hot hot hot hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard as he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoaaa! Whoa hot! Hot hot hothothothot hot hot! [back in the bathroom. The stool finally comes out] Dohhhhhhhhhh! Oooh! Oohoo. [begins to sob from relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper to wipe his ass clean] Oh God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow... That... is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-... Hey Sharon. Sharon you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?
Sharon	[opens the door and enters] What is it, Randy? Do you have any- [looks in the toilet] OH! [squeezes her eyes closed and covers them with her right arm] Randy!
Randy	Will you look at that? Is that the biggest crap you've ever seen or what?
Sharon	[a view from behind the toilet] Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!
Randy	Come on! That's pretty impressive! [Stan wanders in from the hall, and Randy calls him] Wha-hey Stan! Stan, look at this. [Stan walks closer to the toilet]
Sharon	Randy!
Randy	[on bended knee next to Stan] Look what your old man made.
Stan	No way!
Randy	Huh? Never seen one that big, have you?
Stan	No, never. [Shelly wanders in and looks in the toilet]
Shelly	Gross, Dad, sick! [turns around quick and leaves]
Sharon	All right, will you flush the toilet now?! [crosses her arms]
Randy	[rises and leans over to flush the toilet. Stan steps out of he way] I'll try, but I don't think- [stand straight again] wait wait wait wait a minute. I gotta call Jimbo first.
Sharon	Why?!
Randy	Well he's gotta see this.
Sharon	No, we are flushing the toilet right now-
Randy	[turns around and blocks any access to the toilet] No! Jimbo has to see it so when I tell the guys how big it was, they'll know I'm not lying!
Sharon	Oh, for the love of God, Randy! [turns left and leaves]
Randy	Sharon, this is important! Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo. I'm gonna stand guard. [spreads his left and hunches down in a defensive position]
	Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. It's open and the sound of men laughing is heard. Inside, the town's men are gathered for Happy Hour. Randy enters the bar
Randy	Hey guys!
Gerald	Hey Randy.
Stephen	Oh, hey Randy.
Stuart	Are you feelin' better?
Randy	Yeah, I-naw, I'm totally fine now.
Jimbo	You guys shoulda seen the crap Randy took last night! It was honestly, the biggest crap anyone has ever taken. Ever.
Randy	[being modest] Well I don't know about ever...
Jimbo	I'm tellin' you this thing was the size of a freakin' football.
Randy	[being modest] I guess it was pretty big.
Stuart	A football? That's amazing.
Stephen	I've never heard of one that big.
Gerald	[chuckles] Oh, my brother took a crap once, that was enormous. It was the biggest in the history of the world, I think. [laughs. The other guys laugh, but Randy shuts up and looks around]
Randy	[softly] It wasn't bigger than mine was.
Gerald	Oh no, seriously, this crap was a monster! [laughs. The other guys join in]
Randy	[softly] Mine... mine was bigger.
Gerald	I doubt it. [snicker]
Randy	[looks around] You wanna see it?
	Randy's study, later. Randy leads the other men in towards a covered display case. Present are Jimbo, Gerald, Skeeter, Stephen and Stuart. Randy takes off the wraps and steps back so the other guys could behold the greatness that is Randy's crap.
Stuart	Oh my freaking Lord.
Skeeter	That did not seriously come out of your ass.
Randy	Oh yes, it did. Go ahead and check it for splits. It's one solid piece.
Gerald	Jesus...
Randy	[feeling vindicated] That uh, a little bigger than your brother's there, Gerald?
Gerald	It's... other-worldly.
Stephen	Randy, have you called the people from the Guinness Book of World Records? I mean, this might seriously be the biggest crap in history!
Randy	[gets out a spray can of water] That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe. [spritzes the poop so it doesn't dry up and crack apart under the two lights it's under]
Sharon	[at the doorway] Randy Marsh!
Randy	[quickly hides everything under the wraps] Aw crap!
Sharon	What the hell do you think you're doing keeping that thing in our house?!
Randy	The guys agree, Sharon: it could be a record holder.
Sharon	Why are men so obsessed with how big their crap is?!
	Guinness Book of World Records, corporate office, day. In the secretary pool, a secretary picks up a phone
Secretary	Guinness World Records America. How can I help you? [listens while typing with the right hand, then stops altogether] The biggest crap? We actually don't keep track of that record, sir. [listens] Because we don't want to. [listens] Look, we get calls from men all the time who believe they took the biggest crap, and we simply can't handle all the measuring and verification. [listens] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. [listens] You're welcome. [hangs up and resumes typing] Jeez, another one. [the phone rings again and she picks up] Guinness World Records America.
Randy	[gets through. The other guys stand by the sofa] Uhh yes, hello. My name is Randy Marsh, and I believe I took the world's biggest crap. [holds a thumbs up. The other guys do as well]
Secretary	[long sigh, then flatly] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. Their number is listed on their Web site.
	European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office, Zurich, day. Majestic music plays. Inside, a woman and several men in judge's robes walk around chatting with other officials
Chubby official	[hands a manila envelope to a balding gray-haired man] Herr President, take a look at this. [the president opens the envelope and looks at a picture within it] It is a crap sent to us from the United States.
EFSM President	Very niiice. [it's a picture of Randy measuring the crap with a measuring tape and grinning at the camera] Has it been checked for accuracy?
Chubby official	It appears to be legitimate, based on the photo. We estimate that the crap is over eight and a half Courics!
EFSM President	[serious] We'd better get on a plane. Right away. [smiles]
	Randy's study, some days later. Three representatives of the EFSM Office are inside inspecting the crap as Randy watches on, and sniffing from time to time.
EFSM President	Hm, enshnusen?
Chubby official	Verron snusunarich.
EFSM President	What was your primary diet for this poo, Mr. Marsh?
Randy	Uhh, mostly P.F. Chang's. General Tso's Chicken... Oh and uh, and a lot of uh Aunt Jemima's Frozen Sausage Biscuits in the morning.
Chubby official	I believe I detect some cabbage as well?
Randy	Ohh yes, I had a lot of kim chee.
Sharon	[at the doorway] You have got to be kidding me.
Randy	[turns around and marches towards her] These guys are from Zurich, Sharon! They're Europeans! [the EFSM President joins Randy]
EFSM President	It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.
Sharon	For the love of God!
EFSM President	Your crap officially weighs... 8.6 Courics
Randy	Courics...
Chubby official	The standard measuring unit for human feces. One Katie Couric is approximately two and a half pounds of excrement.
EFSM President	The current record is a crap weighing 7.5 Courics.
Randy	But that means...
Third official	That's right. You are the new world's champion!
Randy	Really?! Yuh, you mean, REALLY?! [jumps for joy] Hey Stan! I uh- Hey Sharon! Hey everybody! [walks off]
EFSM President	Well, I guess we'd better call the old champion and let him know his record has just been broken.
	An awards ceremony.
M. C.	He has won twenty-two Grammy's, countless humanitarian awards, and is the only person ever to be nominated for an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause. Bono rises from his seat on stage and struts over to the mic. He grabs the award from the M.C., kisses his left index and middle fingers, and throws the kiss off to the audience]
Bono	[wearing a fancy straw cowboy hat] Thank you. Thank you so much for this newest award; it means so much. [a phone rings and he looks around] Oh. Excuse me. I must be getting another award. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. He answers it] Yes?
EFSM President	Yes, Bono, sir, we wish to inform you that your record for biggest crap has just been broken.
Bono	What?! That's impossible! How big was it?
	The White House, day. An elaborate stage with three massive LCD screens is set up. "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays
Senator	We are here to honor the first American to bring home the distinguished EFSM medal for biggest crap ever taken. [applause. The Marshes are present. Randy is decked out in garlands. Sharon looks quite embarrassed. Jimbo, Gerald, Stephen, Stuart, and Skeeter are behind them]
Randy	Hey look, Sharon, it's the President! He-hey Sharon!
Senator	To present the award I give you the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff. [makes way for the dean, who is also the president]
Broloff	Thank you, Senator. For over a hundred years, the European Fecal Standards and Meas-
Chubby official	Herr Broloff! Herr Broloff! [whispers into his ear]
Broloff	Das shpoitenhoff? [to the crowd] Ahhh ladies and gentlemen, I understand we have just received a special video-taped announcement from Bono!
People in Crowd	Oh! Bono? Cool!
Broloff	Could we play the tape on the big screen, please?
	The tape. Bono appears onscreen without his hat.
Bono	Hello everyone! I, am Bono. ["BONO" flashes on the screen a few times, then a short montage with real life photos of Bono performing and holding his awards follows]. "Hello, hello, helloooo. Yeah yeah yeah yeah." ["BONO" flashes on the screen a few times more, then he speaks] For years it has been my honor to try and bring focus to the needs in Africa, and today, I have very exciting news. Last night, at twenty past eight, I took a crap weighing nine and a half Courics.
Crowd	Whoa!
Sharon	[lifts her head up] Bono?! [a black and white photo of Bono laying on his stomach while looking into the camera with his hands directing the viewers to the giant crap. The monster appears next to a Grammy award for comparison - the Grammy looks like a toy]
Bono	As you can see, it is one solid piece. [another black and white shot of him adoring his massive crap on a cushion flanked by two Grammys] It is my biggest crap to date, and I swear to its authenticity. Thank you, and God bless. [an exiting montage follows with the text "BONO" flashing on the screen.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Broloff	You heard it, ladies and gentlemen! The official biggest crap is... 9.5 Courics! Congratulations to Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause]
Man	Bo-no! Woo-ooo!
	The Marsh house, day. Randy sits on the edge of the back porch crying. Stan comes out to check on him
Stan	Dad, um, I think dinner's almost ready.
Randy	[from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!
Stan	Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Randy	[instinctively replies] You're welcome. [continues] And I just,.. I know that this late in my life I'll never come so close to finally having ...meaning.
Sharon	Come on guys, lasagna's ready.
Randy	[angrily] Oh. Lasagna's ready. [turns around] You hear that, Stan? Mom says lasagna... is ready! I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon!
Sharon	What are you talking about?
Randy	[walks up to her] You can say it, Sharon! I know Bono's better than me! I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?! Sorry that I don't have... billions of dollars and a Nobel prize nomination!
Sharon	Randy, this is ridiculous!
Randy	[offended] Oh, that's real mature, Sharon! Just act like everything's funny! It's a big joke to you, isn't it?! Just a big joke! [Sharon avoids eye contact] Don't touch me! [pulls away a bit, then goes back inside the house]
Sharon	[to Stan] Can you believe him?! All this over what guy took the biggest crap!
Stan	You don't understand, Mom. You just don't understand. [turns around and walks in]
Sharon	Wha? Wha?
	Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The men are gathered there again for Happy Hour, but they're all depressed.
Jimbo	How come they just let that Bono guy send a picture of his crap?
Stuart	'Cause he's Bono, that's why.
Stephen	But he could have faked it. It isn't fair!
Randy	Doesn't matter. He's got the record now; there's nothing I can do.
Gerald	[slams his fist on the counter] Oh yes there is! You could do it again!
Randy	[incredulous] What?
Gerald	Think about it: you weren't even trying to take the biggest crap last time. Imagine if you actually worked at it!
Stephen	[getting enthusiastic] Hey. Hey that's right.
Randy	Nooo. I can't go through all that again. It's too much.
Skeeter	Come on, Randy. I'll bet you can crap that big again easy!
Stuart	With the right diet and training, who knows what you're capable of?
Randy	[rises and heads for the door] Guys, forget it! It's over! It was a fluke crap; I'll never take one that big again!
Stephen	Is it over, Randy?! We all saw that crap you took! That was no fluke! There's something inside you that made you able to do it! Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows why God chose you, but he did! And if you walk away now, you'll always... wonder... how big a crap you could have taken!
Randy	[with some resignation] I would need a lot of help.
Gerald	That's what we're here for.
Jimbo	Come on, Randy, what do you say?!
Randy	I say... [turns around] Let's give Bono a run for his money! [the other men are glad to hear this, so they mob him and talk about it] Yeah!! [shakes his head like a lion] YYEEAAHHHH!
	CNN Headline News.
Anchorman	Tonight, a possible attack on Iran may mean the beginning of a new war in the Middle East.
Sharon	Oh no.
Anchorman	But first, the record for the world's biggest crap: will it again be broken?
Sharon	[disgusted and annoyed] Agh!
Anchorman	Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three weeks into his quest to make a new crap, spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Chang's. [a shot of Randy feasting away on noodles, shrimp, crab legs, etc.].
Female anchor	Is this really newsworthy?
Anchorman	You just don't understand.
Female anchor	You're right. I don't.
Anchorman	[the camera zooms in on him] At the same time, some people are questioning Bono's current record entry, saying nobody has ever seen it in person. Bono could not be reached for comment, as he is currently in Africa helping the needy.
	An African sunset. Bono dances down a dirt street in a slum, singing "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah..." His phone rings and he answers it.
Bono	Hello, hello.
Broloff	Marsh is attempting to break the record again. We thought you should know.
Bono	He can't beat my nine and a half Courics!
Broloff	Well he's going to try.
Bono	Fine, but he has to take the crap in front of you! In Zurich.
Broloff	Bono, we've never had that rule before.
Bono	I's the only way you can know 'e's not cheating! If he doesn't crap in Zurich, it shouldn't count!
	Back at Hell's Pass Hospital. Randy is looking quite bloated now, almost... pregnant.
Assistant	Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh. We're going to use harmless waves to look inside your belly. Just gonna put some warm gel on your stomach first. [does this and lets it spread]
Randy	Oooooo.
Assistant	Okay, take a deep breath. [Randy takes the breath and the assistant puts the camera on the belly, then turns to the monitor to his right] I see the crap now. I can't say for sure, but I, I'd say is about... 14 Courics. [Skeeter, Stephen, Stuart, Gerald and Jimbo are now shown in the room with smiles on their faces. Jimbo is sitting on a chair near the bed holding Randy's hand.]
Jimbo	Fourteen?! [grins]
Stephen	That's great, Randy!
Randy	Can I, can I see it?
Assistant	Sure. [swivels the monitor towards Randy] This is your colon, a-and here... [softly, warmly] is the feces growing inside your belly. [a musicbox begins to play as Randy marvels at his poop]
Randy	Ahhh...
	an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Gerald	[rushes into the room] Guys, we have a problem! [the Emmy and banner disappear] I talked to the EFSM and they say Randy has to take the crap in Zurich.
Randy	In Zurich?
Gerald	They say that Bono is demanding it and that their hands are tied.
Assistant	I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, I I cannot condone you traveling on an airplane in your condition. It is never safe to fly during your turd trimester.
	Bono's mansion, big enough to be a hotel. Stan is at the front doors, ringing the bell. A butler opens the doors.
Stan	Hi, could I speak with Mr. Bono, please?
Butler	Mr. Bono, you have a young gentleman caller! [two doors fly open and Bono dances out of a ballroom]
Bono	Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [stops in front of a mirror] Get the jet ready, Bovis! I've got to be going. [puts on his hat]
Stan	Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. My dad's trying to beat your record for biggest crap.
Bono	Oh right. He can't make it to Zurich, right?
Stan	That's kind of what I'm here for: Do you really need the biggest crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just... letting my dad have this one?
Bono	[turns around to face Stan] Let him have it? Why would I do that?!
Stan	Look, you you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
Bono	[walks over to his trophy section and whips out a trophy containing an open magazine.] I have the first-place trophy for that.
Stan	[a bit shocked] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and, you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of... fuck off?
Bono	[puts the trophy down and goes back to the mirror] I want people to know that I'm worth something. That I matter.
Stan	All I'm asking is that maybe with this one thing, let my dad be number 1. A-and you can still be number 2.
Bono	[insulted] Number two?! NUMBER TWO?! [he turns around and charges towards Stan, grabbing him. He then throws Stan up against a gold record on the wall and holds him there]
Stan	Agh!
Bono	Nobody calls me that anymore and gets away with it! Take it back! TAKE IT BACK!
Stan	I take it back!
Bono	Say I'm not number two!
Stan	You're not number two!
Bono	That's right! I'm not! [releases him and dances back to the ballroom, singing away.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [The butler returns]
Stan	What is wrong with that guy?
Butler	Your father is in grave danger. Come with me! [Stan follows him out]
	EFSM Office, Zurich, day. In the main lobby, Randy is on a toilet made for this occasion, pushing hard to get that poop out, but it's taking a while... He takes several quick breaths to try again... He pushes hard again. Bono is present for the delivery.
Chubby official	It must be quite a crap.
Jimbo	Come on, Randy. You have to push! [Randy takes several more quick breaths and pushes...]
	The German Autobahn. Bono's butler zooms down the road with Stan riding along
Stan	What are you saying?! How do you know my dad is gonna die?!
Butler	Because nobody has ever taken a crap that big before!
Stan	So Bono's newest record is a lie!
Butler	Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.
Stan	So?
Butler	So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder...
Stan	He's the record.
Butler	[whispers] Yes.
	EFSM Office, Zurich. Randy has yet to squeeze it out.
Randy	[in frustration] I can't do it! I can't do it!
Assistant	The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh. We must perform a Caesarean!
Randy	But then, does it still count?
Bono	Oh no! The biggest crap means you crapped it out!
Broloff	I believe that's true. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh, but, if you cannot crap out the crap, it's not really a crap.
Randy	[sobs] No... Nooo...
Jimbo	There there Randy, you... You gave it your best shot.
Randy	I want my wife. Sharon? Sharon? [she walks up to him]
Sharon	[pissed off] What?!
Randy	I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. Sorry I can't crap like Bono.
Broloff	Well congratulations, Bono, it appears your record is intact.
Bono	I had a feeling it would be.
Stan	[runs in] Wait! Stop! Dad, your old crap counts. Bono never took a second crap to beat yours.
Bono	Get him out of here!
Third official	What are you talking about, young man?
Stan	Somebody's been keeping it a secret. Bono was never the record holder! He's the record!
Bono	It's not true! Kill the kid! I want him dead!
Broloff	It's too late, Bono. The boy has learned the truth.
Chubby official	Herr Broloff, what do you know of this?
Broloff	It's true, I'm afraid. You see, until Mr. Marsh came along, I was the record holder for the biggest crap. I took it back in 1960. It was the most amazing crap I'd ever taken.
Bono	Poppa no! Say nothing more!
Broloff	Come to me my... darling precious child. [Bono sobs and walks over to him. Broloff hugs him] After I had broken the record I took the crap home. I was so proud of it that I... decided to keep it, to try and raise it like a child.
Bono	No Poppa... No Poppa...
Broloff	[strokes his hair] There there, my little crap. [props Bono's chin up] Don't cry. [unbuttons his coat, vest, and shirt] Here, do you want the biddy? Hm? [holds his left breast out to Bono] Does Bono want the biddy? [Bono whimpers and begins sucking on the teat] Yes, he likes the biddy doesn't he?
Stan	Dude.
Broloff	I kept the crap in my office, nursed it, fed it biddy. And soon biddy made him strong. Biddy made him grow up! Into one of the most influential figures of our time. [looks down] Easy Bono, that hurts the biddy.
Bono	Biddy. [keeps sucking]
Broloff	My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really... a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.
Stan	That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.
Chubby official	You have blemished this noble society's good name, Herr Broloff.
Broloff	Have I?! [pops Bono off his tit. Bono tries helplessly to return to the tit and suck on it] Look at the crap I took all those years ago! Bono is now almost six feet tall and over 80 Courics in weight! No matter how you look at it he IS still the record!
Randy	Oh God, here it comes! [everyone gathers around him again, even Sharon] Ohhh hot-hot-hot-hot! HOTTT-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot! Hot! Hot! [he poops, and begins to rise and spin as the poop piles on] Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ot... [finally stops. Beneath him is a pillar of poop almost seven feet tall]
Third official	My God...
Chubby official	It must be over a hundred Courics!
Stan	Dad, are you all right?
Randy	Yeah, I'm... [looks down at his accomplishment] I'm good! [arms akimbo] Feel a lot better.
	an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Chubby official	[approaching] Mr. Marsh, we apologize, and if it's okay with you, we would like to present you... your long overdue trophy. [the banner disappears, but the official reaches out and grabs the Emmy. He walks over and jams it into the pillar of poop. Everyone claps except Stan and Sharon.]
End of More Crap