Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!/Script

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"Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!/Script"

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The official script for "Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Liane Cartman
• Grandma Cartman
• Grandpa Harold Cartman
• Uncle Stinky Cartman
• Aunt Lisa Cartman
• Cousin Fred Cartman
• Cousin Alexandra Cartman
• Fat Bob Cartman
• Jimmy, the fat bulldog
• Great-Grandma Florence Cartman
• Elvin Cartman
• Uncle Howard Cartman
• Charlie Manson
• Sharon Marsh
• Randy Marsh
• Shelly Marsh
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Mrs. McCormick
• Stuart McCormick
• Mall Hankey
• Police, with Chief Stevens
• Reporter Robert Pooner

Script

Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!
	[The Marsh house. The family is in the living room]
Sharon	The answer is "no", Stanley!
Stan	But Mom, all the guys are going to Cartman's Grandma's for the weekend!
Sharon	I'm sorry, Stanley, I can't let you go all the way to Nebraska by yourself. It's the holidays.
Stan	But all the other guys get to go to Cartman's Grandma's; why can't I?
Sharon	I'll leave it up to your father.
Randy	[shrugs] Eh, it's fine with me.
Sharon	[ignoring him] The answer is no, Stanley! Now go wash up for supper!
Stan	I don't want your lame-ass supper!
Shelly	Ew! You're gonna get it now.
Sharon	[pointing to her right] Go to your room, Stanley! Right now! [Randy's angry now. Stan walks to his room and shuts the door]
Stan	[retrieving a backpack from his closet] Can't tell me what to do! I'm eight years old! [goes to his window, opens it, and stands on the sill] I don't need this stupid family anyway! [drops to the ground outside and leaves]
	[Outside the Cartman house. Liane is packing the boys' gear into her station wagon. Kyle's parents and Kenny's parents are seeing them off]''
Sheila	It's so nice of you to take all the boys with you.
Liane	Oh, it's my pleasure. Eric loves his little friends.
Cartman:	[to Kyle] Every time I go to my Grandma's house, she gives me a present. You watch: as soon as I walk in the door she'll hand me a big present, for no reason, except that I'm cool.
Kyle	That's nice, Cartman.
Stuart	[on bended knee, to Kenny] Now, remember, if they have left-over turkey, put some in a bag and bring it home, okay?
Kenny	(Okay)
Stan	[walking up] Okay, let's go!
Cartman	Oh, I didn't think you were coming, Stan.
Stan	'Course I'm coming! Come on, let's hurry!
Sheila	[Kyle walks away] Goodbye, bubbe! Be careful!
Stuart	[waving to Kenny] See you in a couple of days, son.
Cartman	[rushing past Kyle, who joins Stan on the back seat] Shotgun! It's my car, I call it first: shotgun! [opens the door, only to find Kenny already there. They look at each other] Kenny, I called it shotgun! [Kenny stares back] Dammit, Kenny, get in the back! [Kenny moves not. Cartman points to the right] Hey, Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets over there. [no movement. Cartman points to the road] Look, Kenny, there's an elephant parade! [Kenny is not moved. Cartman reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dollar] Ken-ny. Kenny, look. Look! Go get it! [throws the bill away], Go get it! [Kenny hops out and Cartman jumps in] ha ha ha, you poor piece of crap. [Kenny gets the bill and hops into the back seat. Lo and behold, there is an elephant parade, with clowns and jugglers and... Liane drives off]
Stan	So, how far is it to Nebraska?
Liane	Around six hours.
Kyle	Oh my God! What the hell are we gonna do for six hours?
Liane	Well, I've got an idea. We could sing.
Stan	Yeah. Or, we could not.
Actor	Dialog
Cartman	Let's sing that one Grandma song, Ma. How does it go?
Liane	Over the meadow and through the woods
Liane and Cartman	To Grandmother's house we go The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through white and drifted snow...
	[4 HOURS LATER]
Liane and Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods To Grandmother's house we go The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Kyle	Please stop.
Liane and Cartman	Through white and drifted snow
Kyle	[insistent] Please stop!
Liane and Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods, To Grandmother's house we go
Cartman	[Kyle angrily kicks him into the dashboard] Argh!
Liane	Ooo, careful hon. These roads are bumpy.
Cartman	[rubbing his nose] I guess, damn! [some traffic is seen]
Liane	Here we go, kids. We're crossing the state line into Nebraska. [Stan and Kyle go to Kenny's window to check it out. The first sign they see says, "Now leaving Colorful Colorado," on a mountain background with rainbow. The scenery changes abruptly from snow-covered mountains to fields of wheat. Once they pass the state line they see "You are now in NEBRASKA. ...Sorry." Nothing is seen on the horizon]
Stan	This is Nebraska?
Kyle	What's all that stuff?
Liane	Wheat. The building block of your favorite foods, and, Nebraska's principal source of economic productivity. You see, when Nebraska first became--
Cartman	We don't care, Mom.
Kyle	Hey, look! [enunciating a billboard] See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska... Wow! We have to go, dude!
Stan	[now seated] Dude, I thought Mr. Hankey lived in the sewer. What's he doing in Nebraska?
Kyle	[now seated] I don't know. Ever since he was in that movie, he got all famous.
Cartman	Oh, so now everybody wants to meet Mr. Hankey! He's a piece of crap.
Kyle	It doesn't matter. He'll be most excited to meet me!
Liane	That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's Grandma is right near the mall.
Kyle	Cool!
Cartman	How much further is it to Grandma's house? I wanna see what kind of present she got me.
Liane	About another hour, hon.
Cartman	Why does Grandma have to live so far away? Why don't we just stick her in a nursing home closer to us so [angrily] I don't have to drive six hours to get a god-damned present?!
Liane	Now, Eric, let's try to get out of that grumpy mood before we get to Grandma's.
Liane and Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods
Liane and Cartman	To Grandmother's house we go
Kyle	Oh, God! [Stan is dejected]
Liane and Cartman	The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through white and drifted snow...
	'[Later... Cartman's Grandma's house. Cartman's singing is heard approaching]'
Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods...
Liane	[stops the car] Here we are. [the boys pour out]
Kyle	Jesus Christ, finally!
Cartman	[runs to the front door] Grandmagrandmagrandmagrandma! [knocks, rubs his hands together, and an elderly man opens the door. The boys come up behind Cartman]
Man	Oh, it's little Eric!
Cartman	Hi, Grandpa!
Grandpa	Look at how big you've gotten!
Grandma	Hi, Eric. Grandma got you a present.
Cartman	Sweet. What is it?
Grandma	It's inside.
Cartman	Yes! Move it! [shoves Grandma off the porch. She screams on the way down]
Liane	[now inside with the boys] Hello everyone. Happy Holidays!
Everyone	[seven people] Hello!
Liane	These are Eric's friends: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Boys, let me introduce you to the Cartman family. This is Uncle Stinky.
Uncle Stinky	[brown curly hair, goatee, Fu Manchu mustache] Nice to have you heuh.
Liane	Aunt Lisa, Cousin Fred, Cousin Alexandra [not shown], Fat Bob, Jimmy [bulldog], and great-grandma Florence. [with walker]
Florence	[Kyle recoils as she approaches the boys] Come here, Eric. Give your great-grandma some huggies. [grabs Kyle and lifts him up]
Kyle	Agghh!
Liane	No, no, Florence, that's not Eric.
Florence	[releases Kyle] Oh, which one is he, then?
Stan	[pointing] He's the fat one.
Grandma	He's not fat, he's big-boned.
Cartman	[in sync] I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. Ech.
Kyle	[to Stan] That was totally gross. She smelled like vitamins and pee.
Stan:	Sick, dude.
Cartman:	Al-righty then. Let's get to my presents, shall we?
Grandma:	Here you go, Eric. Hap-py Holidays! [He gleefully rips it open]
Cartman:	[not pleased] Wait a minute. This isn't a present, it's a shirt! [lifts it out]
Grandma:	Yes. I thought that would look really good on you.
Cartman:	[really upset] Are you telling me that I drove nine hours through butt-fucking nowhere to get a god-damned shirt?! Mom, Grandma's gone senile! It's time to stick her in a home!
	'[The dining room. The thirteen are seated around it. The TV is at the foot of the table, on its own chair]'
Grandpa:	Well, this is what the holidays are about. Family.
Stan:	[dissenting] Yeah, right!
Grandpa:	Well, what does your family do for the holidays, Stan?
Stan:	My family's dead! [Uncle Stinky, a baby, and Aunt Lisa gasp.]
Liane:	[turns to him, hand to lips] Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that, Stanley.
Kyle:	Dude, your family died?
Stan:	They're dead to me. My mom doesn't even know I'm here.
Kyle:	What?!
Cartman:	I can't believe I got a stupid shirt! [he didn't have to wear it...] The holidays are bullcrap!
Liane:	Here, Kyle. Will you hold Great-Grandma's catheter bag during dinner? [places it in front of him]
Kyle:	What is this??
Liane:	[in his ear] Great-grandma has a bladder problem. This helps her out.
Kyle:	[eyes shut] Sick, dude!
Liane:	[now seated] Eric, did you say 'hi' to your little cousin Elvin?
Cartman:	[flatly] Hi, cousin Elvin.
Elvin:	[the baby, sucking on a Fudgecicle] Sweet.
Grandpa:	[tapping knife on wine glass] Well, it certainly is nice we could all gather heuh for the holidays. Even Uncle Howard has joined us live via satellite from the state penitentiary. [the TV screen shows Uncle Howard at his own table, with a small meal]
Kyle:	Whoa, dude! [Stan is surprised]
Grandma:	You look good, Howard.
Howard:	No I don't!
Liane:	Hi, Howard.
Stan:	[to Cartman] Dude, is he here every year like this?
Cartman:	Yup!
Elvin:	[tosses his Fudgecicle at the TV, and it slides down the screen] Sweet.
Kyle:	[Great-Grandma urinates into the bag. He grimaces] Aaww!
Howard:	Come on, let's eat already! They gave me extra bread and water!
Grandma:	Where's your manners, Howard? We haven't even said grace yet. Mom, will you do the honors of saying grace?
Florence:	God-damn it, why the hell do I always have to say grace? If one more person asks me to say grace, I'll be like, "Eh! I'm not saying grace! And if you ask me again, I'll kick you square [jabs the fork in the air] in the nuts!"
Cartman:	Amen. [his feelings exactly]
All:	Ah-men. [all dig into the food. Bits and pieces being to fly everywhere]
Kyle:	[watching the mess] Jesus, dude! [Kenny stuffs his food into a paper bag, and Jimmy growls longingly]
Grandpa:	No, Jimmy, this is my pot pie! [Jimmy growls] No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!
Cartman:	Bad Jimmy!
Grandma:	No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's pot pie! [Stan and Kyle stare in awe. Jimmy growls, and a hail of "No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!"s descends on him]
Stan:	Dude, I don't know how long I can stay here.
Kyle:	I know what you mean. [Kenny packs the last of his meal away]
	'[Night time. The boys are asleep in the basement.]'
Kyle:	[jumps up] Arrggh! [Stan wakes up]
Stan:	What, dude? [Cartman wakes up]
Kyle:	Dude, I was having this horrible nightmare that we were at this house, and it was filled with Cartmans!
Stan:	Kyle, we are in a house filled with Cartmans.
Kyle:	Oh. Arrggh! [thump. Kenny's awake. More sounds, of breaking glass.]
Stan:	What was that?
Kyle:	I heard it, too.
Cartman:	Whatever it is, it's getting closer. [Stan pinches him] Ow! What the hell was that for!
Stan:	I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming. [Kyle walks behind Stan and punches Cartman]
Cartman:	Ow!
Kyle:	[moving back to his sleeping bag] I wanted to make sure, too.
Cartman:	Yuhwell, you're not dreaming! [Kenny flies at him with a punch] Ey! Cut the crap!
Kyle:	Dude, it's coming through the window! [the window flies open and light streams in. A fat figure jumps in and the kids scream. Cartman goes for the light switch and the light goes on. A surprised prison escapee is what he sees]
Cartman:	Uncle Howard!
Uncle Howard:	Oh. Hey, Eric. I didn't think anybody'd be down here.
Cartman:	Uncle Howard, what are you doing here?!
Stan:	We thought you were in jail.
Howard:	Yeah, well I'b I busted out. [shows off the broken cuff chain]
Cartman:	Wow, cool!
Howard:	Sshhhh! You can't let the rest of the family know I'm here.
Cartman:	Okay.
Howard:	If it's okay, we're just gonna hang out here for a couple of days with you kids.
Cartman:	Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket? Hahahaha.
Howard:	[turning to the window] Come on up, it's okay. [another man pops up and makes his was in] Another inmate busted out with me. Don't worry, he's a good guy.
Inmate:	[turns around] Oh, hi boys. I'm Charlie. Charlie Manson. [the boys express some shock, but then fall silent]
	'[The next day. Manson looks out the window]'
Manson:	I can't wait to get out among the pigs [turns to Howard] and raise some hell.
Howard:	All right, Chuck, but we gotta lay low for a while.
Manson:	When I stand up on the mountain and say, "Do it!", it gets done! And it it don't get done, then I'll move on it! And that's the last thing in the world you want me to do.
Howard:	All right, Chuck. Let's watch some TV or something. [Manson sits before the TV and turns it on.]
Announcer:	Now back to, "It's A Wonderful Life".
George Bailey:	You-oo you just can't buy people, Mr. Potter, wuh. Why, you know what you are? You're a little bitch. [Potter looks up] That's right, you're a bitch, and I bet you'd like to suck it, wouldn't you?
Stan:	[snaps his fingers] Wake up, Cartman, we've got to get to the mall.
Cartman:	[waking] What?
Kyle:	We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the mall, Cartman.
Cartman:	[putting his coat on over his BEEFCAKE muscle shirt] All right, keeps your pants on.
Howard:	Hey, bring us down some food, all right?
Cartman:	[follows the boys up the stairs] Okay. [puts on his cap]
	'[The living room. Football is on]'
Stinky:	[eating popcorn] Come on, Team!
Cartman:	Can somebody drive us to the mall?
Announcer:	Touchdown!
The Adults:	Yeah!
Cartman:	[insistent] Hello, Mr. Hankey is appearing at the mall. Can somebody please take us?
Announcer:	And these Cornhuskers have the ball on the 50-yard line!
Cartman:	[pops up in front of Stinky] Uncle Stinky, can you drive us to the mall?
Stinky:	Not now, Eric. [notices a play] Hold him! He has him! Where's the flag?!
Cartman:	Uncle Stinky, my stupid friends want to see Mr. Hankey! You have to take us!
Stinky:	I said "no," and I mean "no!" Respect my authorituh!
Cartman:	[leaves grumbling] Damn his Goddamned authorituh!
Announcer:	With only 16 seconds left, the Cornhu-
	'[SPECIAL REPORT]'
Reporter:	We interrupt this broadcast for a news bulletin.
Stinky:	What?!
Reporter:	["NEBRASKA NEWS"] Mass murderer and extremely nasty person Charles Manson has escaped from prison! Manson was the man responsible for seven murders in the late '60's. Manson has never shown any signs of remorse for his crimes. If you see Manson, please kick his ass and smash his fucking face in for me, and then call the police. And now back to the game.
Announcer:	And they've done it! They've scored 16 unanswered points in 15 seconds! [NEB 23, ARK 16]
The Adults:	Oh, weak!
Grandma:	[the boys walk past her] Eric, I need you to take care of your cousin Elvin for a while.
Cartman:	I don't wanna take care of Cousin Elvin!
Grandma:	Won't yo do it for Grandma?
Cartman:	All right. Give me $10. [she reaches into her purse and gives it to him]
Elvin:	[licking another Fudgecicle] Kick ass!
	[the basement. Manson is still watching the TV]''
George Bailey	Oh, Mary. Mary, you're real!
Howard:	Chuck, can you turn that thing down?
George Bailey:	Hello, movie house! ["Gone With The Wind" is playing there] Hello, burger parlor!
Manson:	You know what the spirit of Christmas is? It's another lie, from the lyin' pigs that consider me the witness-!
Howard:	Okay, Chuck! Thank you very much!
Cartman:	[coming down the stairs with his friends and Elvin] My family sucks ass!
Kyle:	Yeah, they do!
Stan:	All families suck ass!
Cartman:	Here. We got you some sticky cinnamon buns. [hands the bag to Howard]
Howard:	[digging in] Wow, sweet!
Manson:	Heyyy!
Kyle:	Dude, we have to get to the mall!!
Elvin:	You guys, seriously!
Howard:	What's the matter?
Cartman:	My stupid friends want to go to the mall to visit Mr. Hankey, but nobody would drive us.
Howard:	Oh, bummer.
Manson:	I'll take you! [a heavy note sounds]
Howard:	Uh, that's okay, Chuck. You just keep watching Christmas specials.
Manson:	Hey, I didn't bust out of prison to be locked up in somebody's basement! I want some action!
Kyle:	Good for you, Charlie!
Manson:	[to Cartman] Come on! I'll hot-wire your Grandpa's car!
Stan:	Do you really think we should go with this guy?
Cartman:	Stan, don't be such a dumbass. You have to trust people. [walks away]
	'[Outside. The boys, Manson, and Elvin head for the station wagon]'
Manson:	All right, boys, keep your heads down! [they get into the wagon, Manson hot-wires it, and steps on the gas] We're goin' to the mall!
Boys:	Hooray!
	'[South Park, The Marsh house]'
Sharon:	I just can't believe he would go without our permission!
Randy:	Now, Sharon, don't overreact. Maybe Stan didn't go to Cartman's Grandmother's. Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped or something.
Sharon:	Well, I hope for his sake you're right. [calls Liane]
Liane:	Hello?
Sharon:	Hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother. Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska with you?
Liane:	Oh, why yes he did. I thought you were dead, Sharon.
Sharon:	Wwhat?!
Liane:	Stanley told me you had passed on. I'm glad to see that you're better.
Sharon:	[irate. Shelly is now present] Get the car, Randy! We're going to Nebraska!
Shelly:	Ooooo, Stan's in trouble!
	'[Mall of Nebraska]'
Kyle:	[jumping up and down to get a better look] Do you see him?
Stan:	Not yet. I think we still have a ways to go.
Kyle:	I can't wait to see him! [a kid looks back] He's gonna be so glad we came!
Kid:	I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
Kyle:	That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
Cartman:	How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]
Elvin:	Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
Cartman:	And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!
Kyle:	So?!
Cartman:	So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?
Kyle:	Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]
Manson:	[to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
Kenny:	(Okay) [they walk off]
Stan:	I really like that guy.
Cartman:	Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin. [Elvin looks at his hands and sees nothing to lick, then begins to cry] God damnit, be quiet, Elvin! Shut up, Elvin! [grabs a stick and whacks him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink] No, Elvin, bad Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]
	'[Sweet Box, your music box headquarters. Manson and Kenny are looking around]'
Manson:	[explaining things to Kenny] Folks need to understand that I am terror! I am fear! I am-! Oh, hey look, another holiday special.
Voice-over:	And now, back to "The Grinchy Poo" [a shot of Grinchy Poo stealing a decorated tree]
Narrator:	Grinchy Poo went up the chimney and stuffed the tree up But then he heard a coo, like the cry of a dove It was little Cindy Lou Poo, who was no more than two "Mr. Hankey, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?" And Old Grinchy Poo thought of a line, and he thought it up quick...
	'[Lollyland. a mall worker dressed as a Hankey elf, covered in Hankey kisses, approaches the boys]'
Hankey Elf:	All right, boys, you're up next. Welcome to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lollyland! [voice dripping with bitterness]
Kyle	[elated] Hoh, boy. Here we go!
Mall Hankey:	Howdy ho, boys.
Stan:	[after a pause] Mr. Hankey? [his elves lift the boys onto Hankey's lap]
Mall Hankey:	Gosh, you boys smell like flowers.
Kyle:	You're not the real Mr. Hankey.
Mall Hankey:	Sure I am! Howdy ho!
Stan:	You look a lot bigger than the last time we saw you.
Mall Hankey:	Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you know. Howdy ho!
Hankey Elf:	You boys want your picture with Mr. Hankey?
Kyle:	This is not Mr. Hankey! [a picture is taken] This is a fake! [gasps from other kids and adults. A boy cries]
Mall Hankey:	It's okay, kids. I'm real. Hoowwdy ho!
Kids:	[a crowd now, they wave back] Hoowwdy ho!
Kyle:	Why are you people doing this? Why would you lie like this? To children?
Mall Hankey:	[softly] Look, kid. There's Mr. Hankeys like me in every shopping mall. There is no real Mr. Hankey.
Kyle:	[insulted] What?! What did you say?!
Stan:	Oh, boy. You've done it now.
Mall Hankey:	Huh??
Kyle:	[stands and rips off the mall Hankey's helmet] Behold! Here's your false prophet!
Kids:	[gasp] Boo! [throw plastic Hankey's at the mall Hankey]
Mall Hankey:	Ow!
Kids:	Die!
Mall Hankey:	Ow!
Kid 1:	Get out! [the kids rush the chair and attack Hankey and his elves]
Kids:	[background] You son of a bitch! Rip it down! Get out!
Girl:	You lied to me, Mother. You said it was the real Mr. Hankey.
Mother:	Uh, well, yes, but-
Girl:	I will not forget this, Mother. I will not forget this, ever. [turns and walks away]
Kid:	This is revolution! [more rioting. Two kids prepare a Molotov cocktail. The blond kid lights it, the one in yellow-trimmed blue cap chucks it at the Lollyland setup. It goes up in flames]
Mall Hankey:	[getting out of the way] Wah-hahow!
Security Guard 1:	Uh oh, they're rioting again. [the other guard raises an eyebrow. Three kids smash a bench into an electronics store window. Two of them take a TV and the third goes further inside]
	'[Back at the Sweet Box...]'
Narrator:	And all the poos down in Pooville joined hands and they sang They sang all the same And he himself, the Grinchy Poo, carved the roast poo.
Manson:	[pleased with the special] Wow, man. That's beautiful. He was evil, but now he's good. [Kenny looks at him]
	'[At what was Lollyland. A battering ram comes through a wall and everyone scatters. Police in riot gear pour in behind it]'
Officer 1:	What's happening?
Officer 2:	Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again. [the kids and the officers race at each other and do battle. The kid in yellow-trimmed blue cap leaves this graffiti on the wall: "No more lies!" and runs away. Am officer gives chase. Another officer pumps a tear gas canister into the crowd and the kids fall from the resulting gas]
Cartman:	[the boys regroup] I told you guys. The holiday season is nothing but lies and bullcrap!
Manson:	[arriving] Well, how was it?
Kyle:	It was a fake!
Manson:	Oh, I'm sorry.
Kyle:	Cartman was right! The holiday season is for idiots!
End of Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!