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Cast

• Kyle
• Cartman
• Butters
• Heidi
• PC Principal
• Mr. Mackey
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Ike Broflovski
• Stephen Stotch
• Tom the plastic surgeon
• Lennart Bedrager
• Dick
• Anonymous821
• Troll 4
• President Garrison
• Caitlyn Jenner
• Steve Bannon
• Garrison advisor
• General Revaur
• Two Unnamed Generals
• Three Unnamed Pentagon Staffers
• Elon Musk
• SpaceX Receptionist
• SpaceX Tour Assistant
• Various Memberberries
• Tubbs
• Memberberry Bouncer
• Memberberry Don
• Memberberry henchman
• Memberberry waiter
• Vladimir Putin
• Putin's aides
• Boris Johnson
• Two Unnamed UK Aides

Script

Members Only
	Tom's Rhinoplasty. A government agent speaks with Bannon.
Government agent	The political world is watching, Bannon. [gives Bannon a file] We need to make sure the president elect has a smooth transition.
Bannon	All indications are that his transition [flips a page] is going to be fine.
Surgeon	[walks by] We're just doing some finishing touches, but everything went well. You can see him now if you like.
Caitlyn	I'll go.
	Caitlyn walks into a technologically advanced room where Garrison is seen having a blond, push-back wig put on his head by a mechanical arm.
Garrison	[talks with Caitlyn] Well, do I look presidential?
Caitlyn	Honestly, you look twenty years younger.
Garrison	They really worked on my stank face. Look! Whenever I don't know what people are talking about, I just do this, [lowers his body] like look. [shows his stank face] I can do this. [shows his stank face again] This is, this is my stank face. [shows a different stank face] It's like, I'm not listening to you, see? [shows his other stank face] They did a really good job on my stank lips.
Caitlyn	It's an amazing transition.
Garrison	Now I feel ready to take care of business and do what really matters... [sits up straight] in just a minute, I'm gonna do the UV rays a bit longer.
	[the machine closes enseals Garrison]
	SpaceX. Cartman and Heidi walk to the desk.
Secretary	Can I help you?
Cartman	Hello. I understand that you're trying to get to Mars. This is my girlfriend, Heidi. She's really smart and really funny.
Secretary	...Okay.
Cartman	We've given up social media and we'd like to be somewhere as far from the internet as possible. Is it true Mars would have really shitty Wi-Fi?
Secretary	...That'd be an understatement, yes.
Cartman	Well, we'd like to go. We can't tolerate this world anymore and we'd like to talk to whoever we can about getting to Mars as soon as possible please.
Secretary	Uh-huh. Take a number and join the others.
Cartman	What others?
	[Cartman, Heidi, and the secretary turn their heads see a bunch of other people waiting, including Cher singing]
Cher	[garbled and auto-tuned] If I could turn back time...
Cartman	What the fuck, dude?!
Secretary	Lot of people want to leave the planet right now.
Cartman	Ah god dammit, is that Cher?!
Cher	[garbled and auto-tuned] Do you believe in leaving the world, oh...
	South Park Elementary, principal's office.
PC Principal	God [knocks down papers] dammit! [knocks down lamp] How the fuck did this happen?!
Mackey	[knocks the door and opens it] Uh, sorry PC Principal, but someone wants to speak with you.
PC Principal	I told you to leave me alone, Mackey! [slams fist on the desk] I'm not in the mood!
Mackey	But, but sir, the president elect is here. [moves away from Garrison]
Garrison	[enters the office with two Secret Service agents following him] So sorry for the intrusion. You're not too busy, I hope.
PC Principal	Uh, not at all. Please uh, have a seat, Mr. Garrison.
Garrison	Excuse me?
PC Principal	Uh, please have a seat, Mr... President.
Garrison	That's better, bitch. [sits down and takes out a piece of gum]
PC Principal	Certainly want to uh, congratulate you on the election.
Garrison	Do you remember the day you fired me, PC Principal?
PC Principal	I know we've had some differences, uh...
Garrison	I was upset because a bunch of immigrants were changing my class and I believe your response was that I needed to go and "learn their language", "be more open-minded".
PC Principal	I'm sorry that your position here at the school was terminated.
Garrison	Are you really? [makes stank face] Are you really sorry? [makes different stank face] Because you see PC Principal, you helped create me. You insisted that I was a bigot, that I was an intolerant relic left over from another time. But now, I'm your president. And if there's one thing I've learned about becoming president, it's that your penis can get really dry. When all the skin on your penis is drying out from working so hard to get elected there's only one thing that can fix it, isn't there? Saliva, from a good friend who once doubted you. I need you to fix my problem, PC Principal, so that we can be even-stevens. What do you say, bud?
PC Principal	[is in complete shock]
	Outside of unknown club. Two people got out of the club. The berries head to a tiny door.
Unknown Berries	Oh, 'member when it fell in her drink. Yeah, I 'member.
Memberberry 1	'Member when Han shot Greedo?
Memberberry 2	Sure, I 'member Greedo.
Tubbs	Ha, I 'member Greedo.
Memberberry 3	'Member?
Memberberry 1	[knocks at the small door]
Guard Berry	[opens small window] What's the password, 'member?
Memberberry 3	Yeah, I 'member.
Memberberry 1	You 'member?
Guard Berry	I 'member. [opens the door, lets the berries in, and then closes the door immediately]
	Inside a Memberberry bar. Random berries keep on saying "'Member".
Memberberry 1	Ha ha, 'member this place? [hops away]
Memberberry 2	Sure, I 'member. [rolls away]
Memberberry 4	[hops away] 'Member the Tantive IV?
Memberberry 1	Oh, I love that ship. [stops moving]
Memberberry 3	[goes with the other berries and talks to an old berry] Hi, it's us, 'member?!
Don	Ah sure, I do 'member.
Memberberry 4	We did the thing with throwing Mickey in the drink, 'member?!
Don	Ah sure, I 'member; just 'cause of youse, we won the election.
Tubbs	Yeah yeah, 'member?
Don	Waiter, round of drinks for our heroes here, 'member?
Waiter Berry	I 'member.
Don	You done good poisoning the lady's drink. Now our man is in office, 'member? But I still have things I need you to do.
Tubbs	Hehe, hehe, I 'member.
	TrollTrace Headquarters: vault. Gerald repeatedly knocks on the exit door with all his might.
Gerald	Please, you have to let me outta here!
Dick	Skankhunt, stop!
Bedrager	[talks from above] Yes, please. You're making a very jackass of yourself.
Gerald	[walks to see Bedrager's face]
Bedrager	Well well, what do we have here? Looks like your little troll-party.
Troll 4	You Danish pricks, you tricked us!
Bedrager	We didn't trick you, your own government did. They thought if they handed you over to us we would agree not to go forward with the TrollTrace program.
Gerald	You can't hold people prisoner! I haven't done anything! People are gonna be looking for me!
Bedrager	[takes out his phone] By all means, [tosses the phone to Gerald] contact whoever you want. Of course, you'll have to tell them why you're here.
Dick	What are you gonna do with us?
Bedrager	We're going to use you, to set the world on fire. When the servers go online there will be chaos, panic, and war. And from the ashes a new world will rise: a world where everyone is happy, and singing, and has no secrets, [yells] like Denmark! [punches a railing]
Dick	You think you can turn countries in the world against each other? Our president will never let that happen.
	Unknown supermarket. Garrison and Secret Service agents enter the store.
Garrison	Hey everybody! [walks to a checkout line, takes a mic, and hums "Hail To The Chief"] Guess who's here? It's the President of the United Fucking States. [mic drop, then walks around the store] Oh, it's been a while since I've heard from you guys. Hi, Janice. [takes a small bottle of water from her shopping basket and opens it, tossing the cap away] Hello, Stephen.
Stephen	[looks away] Mr. President.
Garrison	[walks around the store some more] I was just, you know, passing through the old neighborhood [checks out a tomato paste can from another shopper] thinking about what laws I might get rid of, when suddenly, out of nowhere, my penis got really dry. You know if they have anything at this store for a dry dick? Huh? No? You guys can't think of anything? Oh, I know. What about [points to] Eduardo Hernandez? I believe it was Eduardo who told me I couldn't double-bag my groceries, even though he's from fucking Guatemala. Well what do you think now, Eduardo? You wanna double-bag somethin' else? [his phone rings, and he pulls out out of his back pocket to answer it] This is the President.
General	Sir, we need you at the Pentagon. It's a matter of national security.
Garrison	Oh, really? I'm kinda busy right now, jeez.
General	Sir, the Danish have released a statement. I'm afraid... we may be going to war.
Garrison	War?
	Ike's room, day. He's playing a first-person shooter game when a Skype call comes in.
Gerald	Ike?! Ike, buddy, can you hear me?! I need you to do something, okay? Daddy needs your help! I need you to go to your browser and sign on to the school message board, okay? Can you do that for me? The school message board and then log in. Lowercase S, skank-hunt-4-2. You got it?
	The other trolls witness Gerald's actions.
Dick	Wow.
Anonymous821	Wow, what?
Dick	He's gonna have his son sign in and troll for him.
Gerald	[covers his phone and faces the other trolls] If Skankhunt is still out there trolling, then they have the wrong guy! Get it?! It's called "using your brain", fatso!
Anonymous821	So they'll blame your kid?
Gerald	Nobody cares if a kid trolls! What are they gonna do, get a slap on the wrist?
Dick	[stands up] Didn't you hear what that guy said? They're gonna set countries against each other! We have way bigger problems!
Gerald	You don't know my fucking wife! [faces the phone] Ike, you got it? Great, pal! Okay, now I need you to go to the comment section, okay, and type in "U should all get raped by gorillas". You got that pal? Ike, "U should all get raped by gorillas"! Come on, we have a lot of work to do here!
	SpaceX. Heidi and Cartman sit next to each other on separate chairs.
Cartman	Jesus, I didn't think getting to Mars would take this long.
Heidi	You really think this is what we should do, babe? I gonna miss everyone.
Cartman	I know, but it'll be worth it, babe. We'll be left alone to make our new world better.
Butters	Hey, Eric! [seen right near Cartman]
Cartman	[speaks to Butters] What the hell are you doing here?
Butters	Well I want to get the fuck off this planet, but they told me I had to take a number.
Cartman	Oh no no no! You're a male chauvinist sexist pig, Butters. You don't get to go to Mars.
Butters	[shows complete fear] No, you don't understand. I've seen the light, I'm a changed man, I thought boys were being treated unfairly, but now I know... shit's about to get a lot worse.
	Outside of The White House. Memberberries start incoherent 'membering.
Memberberries	'Member The Fugitive? [Millions of Memberberries are 'membering.] 'Member Aliens? [They begin to jump the fence] Here we are! Ah, yeah! I 'member. Come on, everybody, 'member? [The large group of Memberberries continue 'membering.] 'Member snow speeders? [They approach the front door.] Yeah, I 'member! 'Member not hearing? [They breach the front door and pour into the main foyer.] 'Member the invasion of Hoth? Haha! 'Member "you rebel scum"? I 'member! [They fill the entire floor of the White House entrance.] Oh, 'member the rebel transports? [Thousands of Memberberries open the door to the Oval Office, and pour in.]
Memberberry 1	"We did it!" 'Member? [Five Memberberries take their place on the president's desk.]
Memberberry 2	Sure, I 'member!
Memberberry 3	What do we do now?
Memberberry 4	Don't you 'member?
Tubbs	Ooh, I 'member.
	Ike's room. Ike sets up the profile photo of Mrs. Herrera and a penis in a small Photoshop tab while Gerald is on Skype.
Gerald	Okay now make sure the little worm is in the woman's mouth, got it?
Ike	[puts penis in Photoshopped mouth]
Gerald	Now I need you to type "Ur a fat retard" in the comments.
Ike	[types in the comment section] You're a retard.
Gerald	No, you have to say "a fat retard", Ike! It's a nuance, but it's very important!
Ike	[types in the comment section] You're a fat retard.
Sheila	[sees what Ike is doing and is in shock] Ike! What are you doing?!
Ike	What he says.
Gerald	[exits Skype chat]
Sheila	[walks into Ike's room, gets a closer look, and blames Ike] It was you: all this time! What have you done, Ike?! Do you have any idea the damage you caused?! How could my child be such a monster?! [answers the call on her phone] Yes yes, hello?!
Gerald	[talks on his phone to Sheila] Hey sweetheart, how's everything going?
Sheila	You have to come home from helping the government, Gerald! I caught Ike trolling Mrs. Herrera!
Gerald	Are you serious?
Sheila	Yes! The school troll is our son, Gerald! You should see all the things he posted on his computer!
Gerald	God dang it! Let me talk to him right now!
Shelia	[hands her phone to Ike]
Ike	Hello?
Gerald	Hey Ike, just stay calm and act like I'm yelling at you, okay pal? Okay, give it a few seconds, wait. Good. Okay, now--now say "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside,".
Ike	No!
Gerald	Ike, you have to listen to me. On your mother's life, this is a matter of national security! You have to say "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside,"!
Ike	[talks with anger] I'm sorry dad. I'm just fucked up inside.
Gerald	That was amazing, kiddo. It'll all be worth it, okay? I'll make this up to you. Get me back to your mom.
Sheila	[takes her phone back] Gerald?!
Gerald	He's full of shit, he's not sorry! If he felt sorry, he wouldn't be able to do it in the first place.
Sheila	I know!
Gerald	I'm gonna get home as soon as I can to deal with this, okay? We can deal with this together. Just don't say anything to anyone for now, all right?
Sheila	Okay. Okay yeah, I love you too. I know. Bye. [ends the call and talks to Ike] You just sit in here until we figure out what to do; and if you get back on that computer, you are done, you got it?! [leaves Ike's room]
Gerald	[starts a Skype call on Ike's computer] Ike! Okay there's just a few more things I need you to do. I need you to type "How'd you like a donkey dick?".
	Pentagon. Garrison and four Secret Service agents walk to the general.
General	[salutes] Welcome to the Pentagon, sir. I've been ordered to show you around. [turns around] This way, please.
Garrison	[follows the general] So I can do whatever the fuck I want in here now, right?
General	Yes, sir. Here are all [gives Garrison a folder of classified information] our military secrets and all classified information.
Garrison	[takes folder] Okay, good.
General	[stops everyone by the Drone Program entrance] This is the Drone Program. In there you could kill anyone on Earth remotely. Here's the keys. [gives keys to Garrison]
Garrison	Thanks!
	[everyone continues walking]
General	In here is satellite surveillance where you could monitor everyone's conversations live.
Garrison	Oh that will come in handy.
General	... extreme interrogation [stops everyone] room in case you find interrogation necessary.
Garrison	Oh hell yeah, it's necessary. Let's do it.
General	[gives Garrison a briefcase] And here of course is the famous "football" where you could order a nuclear attack in four minutes. [walks away]
Garrison	Love me some football. [follows the general]
General	[stops everyone by the Diplomatic Strategy entrance] And finally in here is the diplomatic strategy and negotiation room. [opens the doors, having everyone enter the room]
	People in the room are noticing high alert across the world.
Garrison	Oh jeez, this doesn't look very fun.
Army Officer	Thank God you're here sir. We need your guidance.
	SpaceX. Butters sits next to Cartman by his left side.
Butters	Loolooloo, I've got some mapos. Loolooloo, you've got some too.
Cartman	Butter, Butters! You expect people to believe that you went from being the biggest asshole in the school to a softhearted feminist like me? Fat chance.
Butters	No no, believe me. I'm a changed man. Girls are really smart, and they'll be running the soon, and they deserve total respect.
Cartman	Yeah? You just forgot one thing, that women are funny too. That didn't occur to you, did it, Butters?
Butters	Well I don't think there was ever any question that women aren't funny. Remember that movie 9 to 5 with Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton?
Heidi	Oh yeah, that movie was funny.
Butters	Well I laughed my butt off and it never occurred to me that they were women. I don't know why things changed. I don't know why people make such a big deal about women and comedy now. I mean what about Carol Burnett? She was great.
Heidi	Wow, I guess you're right.
Cartman	Yeah I mean when women make vagina jokes I think it's the funniest thing ever!
Butters	Heh, well I swear I don't care how many times Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I laugh every time.
Cartman	[looks at Heidi, then at Butters, then in a low voice] Oh, I see what you're doing.
Heidi	What babe?
Cartman	Oh nothin', babe. I'm just... Do you think you could tell me some jokes?
Heidi	[giggles] Why do you want me telling you jokes all the time?
Cartman	Because you're [glares at Butters] fucking hilarious.
Heidi	Well, did I tell you about the one about the skeleton and the skunk?
Butters	[laughs] That's already funny! [Cartman gets frustrated and makes a fist with his left hand.]
	The Pentagon
Second General	All around the world, countries are mobilizing armies and preparing countermeasures.
Garrison	Why? What the hell happened?
General	This is everything you need to know about the Troll Trace program
Garrison	What's Troll Trace?
General	A plan by the Danish to release the full Internet histories of everyone on Earth.
Second General	The previous administration tried to work with the Danish by handing over several trolls, but the plan didn't work.
General	The entire world has become very uncertain and unstable.
Second General	We think we should order all navy vessels to the Bering Sea.
Garrison	For what?
General	Because, when the Chinese are able to see all our e-mails and online activity, we believe they will most likely attack us. Also, there are ground troops mobilizing in Paris because the French believe when we see all of their e-mails, we will most likely attack them.
Third General	Mr. President, sir! The Russians are asking what we intend to do about the Danish
Garrison	Well why are you asking me?
Second General	Please, sir, we have very little time before this escalates beyond our control.
	The Kremlin, Russia, day. What follows is what's on the video, although the language is said to be Russian.
Aide 1	President Putin, the Danish are going to enable their Troll Trace program.
Vladimir Putin	Then everything I said and did online will be accessible to my girlfriend?
Aide 1	Yes, it appears so.
Putin	The Danish have to be stopped! We must know how the United States stands on this! [behind him, the phone rings at his desk and a second aide pops in to answer it]
Aide 2	Uh, Mr. President? It's the Oval Office. [Putin walks to the phone]
Putin	Yes, this is President Putin.
Member Berry 3	Do you 'member the Death Star?
Member Berry 1	Ahahaha, 'member cutting open tauntauns?
Member Berry 4	Yeah, yeah, 'member the force? [the berries chuckle]
Putin	What the hell is this?!
Tubs	Heheh, heheh, Yeah, sure, I 'member.
Member Berry 1	Member McGy-?
Tubs	Sure, I 'member.
Member Berry 3	'Member?
Member Berry 2	Heheh, hey hay hay, 'member the Cold War?
Member Berry 1	Oh I loved the Cold War! That was fantastic!
	SpaceX, day. Still waiting for that ride to Mars...
Tour Assistant	Okay, Numbers 204 through 215, you can come on through.
Cartman	[leaves with Heidi] Oh, finally.
Butters	Hey, that's me too. Yippee!
Tour Assistant	Right in here, everyone. [The group, which includes Cher. walks in, and the door slams shut behind them]
Elon Musk	Hello, everyone, and welcome to the tour. I'm Elon Musk. Are we gonna have some fun today?
Cartman	Oh great, a stupid tour guide. Can we just talk to someone important please. We want to go to Mars.
Elon Musk	And getting anywhere takes ingenuity. Oh, Mrs. Door? Would you mind... opening, please?
PA Door Voice	[interactive doors] Yes, Elon. [the doors rattle, but don't open. Elon turns and opens them manually. A chime plays as the doors open, and Elon leads the group onto the factory floor.]
Elon Musk	The only way for humankind to survive is with imagination and technology. Cars that run on electricity. Solar panels that replace roof shingles. Even food that changes form. You see this? It's a pizza, only four inches long. and yet, when heated, it expands to make enough pizza to feed a hundred people. I call it the pizza... pocket.
Cartman	They already have Pizza Pockets.
Elon Musk	Who would like to see the Hyperloop? A new mode of travel that can take you from here to Dubai in nine minutes.
Cartman	Excuse me, Mr. Musk, this is all interesting and shit, but can we see the Mars rocket now?
	Meanwhile, at the Pentagon...
Staffer 1	Sir, India is moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf of Mexico.
Garrison	Well why would we care about Mexicans?!
Staffer 2	[in winter fatigues] Sir, a message from Saudi Arabia. They say they pinky-promise not to look up our Internet history if we pinky-promise not to look up theirs.
Garrison	Well what does that even mean?!
Staffer 3	[in winter fatigues] Still waiting on if we should send troops into Japan, sir.
Garrison	I don't know, Jeez!
General	Sir, it's the UK Secretary of Foreign Affairs calling from London. He says they have advice for you.
Garrison	What?
Boris Johnson	Yes, hello? Things aren't looking good here. We just want to say, whatever you do, don't eat the membberries
UK Aide	[overhearing] Don't eat the membberries. They are bad.
Garrison	Memberries?
Boris Johnson	I'm afraid everyone here who ate the memberries wanted to go back in the past, you see. Hasn't worked out too well for us.
UK Aide	We shouldn't have ate the memberries!
Boris Johnson	The memberries cloud your judgmemt. They get inside your head, you see.
Garrison	Get inside your head... Wait a minute... Nobody gets in my head, you limey bitch! Are you insulting me?! Stop wasting my time! 'Cause I'll have you here on a plane in five hours suckin' my dick!! [slams the phone down on the receiver]
UK Aide	What'd he say?
Boris Johnson	I believe they've eaten the memberries.
UK Aide	Ooh, dear!
UK Aide 2	Ooh, dear!
	SpaceX tour, day. The tour is winding down
Elon Musk	Here you see our Falcon 9 full-thrust rockets. They are actually able to take off into space and land safely back on Earth for reuse. [the group moves back to the lobby] Well, I certainly wanna thank you all for joining our tour today. You've been a wonderful group. Give yourselves a round of applause.
Groups	Huh?
Cartman	Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what about going to Mars?
Elon Musk	Mars? We're still about ten years away from going to Mars. Maybe eight.
Groups	Awwww.
Cartman	No, no nonono, we have to go now!
Elon Musk	Well I'm sorry, but it's a bit more complicated than a pizza pocket. Going to Mars is going to take a lot of very smart people working very hard for a very long time. Now, if you don't mind, I have hundreds of more tours to do. [turns to exit the lobby]
Butters	Mr. Musk, wait! [Musk turns around] Maybe we can help you get to Mars sooner. I'm not sure if you know our friend, Heidi. She's really smart, and really funny. [Cartman flashes an angry face at Butters]
Elon Musk	Like... how funny?
	The White House. Some member berries have formed a group and are performing "Africa." A vintage car horn is heard and the mob boss arrives with some henchmen. "Sing Sing Sing" blares from the radio
Mob Boss	Out of the way, 'member?
Berry Henchmen	You'd better 'member if you know what's good for youse! [the car moves through the crowd, down the corridors and into the Oval Office.]
Member Berries	Hey look, it's them. 'Member? Sure, I 'member. [the mobster berries get out of the car.]
Mob Boss	Ey, youse did good. Who's in charge, 'member?
Member Berry 3	We decided he's in charge.
Member Berry 1	No, we said I'm in charge, 'member?
Member Berry 4	No wait, I 'member. We all said he's in charge. [leans to the left]
Member Berry 2	Oh yeah, I 'member.
Mob Boss	Wrong. [shoots Member Berry 2 clear through. Member Berry 2 collapses and bleeds out green juice]
Member Berry 3	Waaah!
Mob Boss	'Member stormtroopers?
Member Berry 2	Yeah, I 'member.
Mob Boss	Not those stormtroopers! The real old ones. People wanna 'member? They're gonna 'member.
	The Broflovski house. Kyle comes home from school and is about to go upstairs when he sees Ike in a corner, in time out. Ike has his head against the wall.
Kyle	Ike? [He look back at Kyle, then puts his head on the wall again.] What are you doing?
Sheila	Don't talk to him! He is in big trouble!
Kyle	Well what'd he do?
Sheila	It's him, Kyle! Your brother is the Internet troll who's cause all this pain in our community!
Kyle	What?
Sheila	It was him all along. Now we have to figure out what to tell people when they learn this ugliness came from our family. [walks back into the kitchen]
Kyle	You made people quit Twitter? You started a war between boys and girls? You...? [stops and thinks back to the clues he's heard in recent days] Oh my God. Oh my God! Ike, come on! [grabs Kyle's hand and rushes out the front door with him. Sheila hears the front door open and looks around for her boys. She reaches the open front door.]
Sheila	Kyle? Ike?! Whatwhatwhaaat?! [her voice echoes around the neighborhood]
End of Members Only