FANDOM



CastEdit


ScriptEdit

Let Them Eat Goo
Tegridy Farms, day. The Marshes sit at table and Randy comes in with laptop and coffee
Randy
Good morning, everyone. 'morning. So, listen guys. We are not in good shape. The whole "doing business in China" thing has sort of bitten us in the ass, [the projector sreen comes on.] and now we aren't selling enough weed to keep up with our costs. [turns to look at a growth chart projected on a portable screen behind him.] You see this? This right here? That's us plateauing. We no longer get any of that sweet Chinese money, and now, all the money we do make doesn't even cover our expenses. [the same chart is on the laptop he was looking at earlier] So, [turns back to the table] how do we sell more weed? Stan.
Stan
[after seceral seconds] I don't know... Do like a sale. Like, a Fall sale?
Randy
Not good enough! Shelley?!
Shelley
I hate marijuana.
Randy
Nice attitude! How do we sell more weed? Sharon?
Sharon
If you don't make commercials or do more parades for the town, we'd have more money.
Randy
Right. Cut out all our marketing. That's Sharon's great idea, everyone. Towelie?
Towelie
You know what the problem is? It's the schwag. All those stands and seeds, they just go to waste, man.
Randy
Go on.
Towelie
It's like, we sell all the good parts of the weed, but we throw away, like, tons and tons of all the leftover shit. You can sell that crap as mulch to a hardware company.
Randy
Mulch. [looks at the graph] Use our discarded product to recover costs. [to the table] Everyone, great job. You just got powned by a towel.
The school cafeteria, lunchtime. The students stand in line to get their lunches in the kitchen.
Cartman

[singing] It's Sloppy Joe day!

Cartman and Butters

[singing] It's Sloppy Joe day!

Cartman
I seriously think that Sloppy Joe day is my favorite day at school.
Butters
Yeah, it's the best.
Cartman and Butters

[singing] Sloppy Joe day! It's Sloppy Joe day!

A new Cook
Come on, keep the line moving, kids! [in view are Butters, Cartman , and Scott. Cartman notices that what he sees on his plate doesn't look like sloppy Joe.]
Cartman
What is this?
Cook
That's today's lunch. It's feesh.
Cartman
Feesh?
Butters
But, but this is Sloppy Joe day.
Cook
Yeah? Well, the menu's been changed. We had kids complainin' our food wasn't healthy or sustainable enough, so don't you start bitchin' about it now.
Cartman
What kids were complaining about health and sustainability?! What kids would care at all that- [gasps] the girls!
Butters
The girls?
Cartman
The fucking girls! [the three boys walk over to the girls' table] Excuse me?! Can someone explain to us why this [holds forth his lunch] is on our lunch trays?!
Butters
Yeah, it's supposed to be sloppy Joe day!
Wendy
We asked for healthier options and to sometimes have food for those of us who don't eat red meat.
Cartman
Oh my God. I'm about to lose my mind. [gets excited] You think you can just mess with a man's lunch?!
Butters
It's okay, Eric. I-
Cartman
You think that your ideas about health and nutrition should be somehow interfering with mine?!
Butters
Eric, Eric!
Cartman
You dictate what foods I can eat?! [convulses] Urgh [the tray falls to the floor. He stiffens up and tries to reach for anything]
Butters
Eric, Eric?
Cartman
I can't, I can't. Butters, I can't. [falls back, smacking Butters' tray on the way down. Butters' meal lands on him]
South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunette, Smith, puts some defibrilators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt
Paramedic 1
Clear! [the brunette delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG]
Smith
We got him back!
Cartman
Agh. Fuck you, Wendy.
As Cartman is being taken to Hell's Pass Hospital, Randy drives into town with a huge load of Tegridy weed; he and Towelie share a joint. Cypress Hill plays during this segment.
Randy
How much do you think we'll get for our mulch?
Towelie
Even if we only get 10 cents a pound, we have like a million pounds of it.
Randy
This is gonna save our business. I'm really hungry all of a sudden. You want some Burger King?
Towelie
Yeah, I'll take some onion rings. [Randy pulls into a parking spot and goes inside.]
Burger King, inside. Randy steps forward to place his order
Clerk
Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?
Randy
Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger?
Clerk
It's a plant-based burger, sir.
Randy
Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow?
Clerk
No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.
Randy
Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card over. The clerk turns the card through the reader and hand it back. He also hands Randy the receipt and the burger. Randy takes a bite of the burger and savors it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this?
Clerk
They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.
Randy
Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... based... Plant-based. Oh my God.
South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallways. Cartman is in a wheelchair; Butters drives him around
Butters
Comin' through! Make way! [the stop by Token, Jimmy, and Craig]
Cartman
Hey guys. How's it goin'?
Craig
You're out of the hospital?
Cartman
Yes. The girls tried to kill me, but they did not succeed. However, we cannot let the girls' protest ruin our lunch ever again!
Nichole
Oh, give me a break! [arrives from her locker] It's not just girls who wanna change the menu, it's boys too!
Boy
Yeah. I want vegan food.
Millie
A lot of students are protesting!
Cartman
Well, their protesting is ruining my lunch!
Boy
We have a right to free speech.
Cartman
Yes, we do all have freedom of speech! But at times, there are ramifications for the negative that can happen when you're not thinking about others and you're ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF!
Mr. Mackey
[arriving] Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what's goin' on, kids?
Butters
The protesters are tryin' to kill Eric again, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey
Okay, kids, we don't want another incident here, okay?
Cartman
They're trying to take people's lunch! They don't realize it harms people financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. [begins to choke]
Mr. Mackey
Eric, it's okay. We aren't going to change the school menu, okay? Everything's fine.
Boy
That's not fair!
Nichole
Doesn't it matter we're being silened?!
Cartman
Agagagh, my lunch!
Mr. Mackey
Girls, I'm sorry, but the health of our students has to come first.
Tegridy Farms, day. Gerald shows up at the front door and knocks. Randy answers the door
Randy
Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!
Gerald
Believe what? Your text said that-
Randy
Come on come on come on. [pulls him in. Next scene is in the kitchen. They go to the table, on which sit two burgers] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat. I want you to try it. [hands a burger to Gerald]
Gerald
It's a hamburger?
Randy
It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it for a few seconds] Well?
Gerald
This tastes like shit.
Randy
Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.
Gerald
[through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.
Randy
Wait for it. Wait for it...
Gerald
[gets a small epiphany] Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]
Randy
Yeah ha ha?
Gerald
Yeah, it's good.
Randy
Yeah, right?
Gerald
[takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!
Randy
And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12. [points to Towelie, who's reclining against a cabinet eating a Tegridy burger.]
Towelie
Best burgers I ever had.
The school cafeteria, lunch. Cartman is back a table with the other boys, and they're all eating barbecue ribs with corn on the cob and cole slaw. Cartman is still in his hospital gown, which means his back side is exposed. He's also wearing the hospital bracelet
Cartman
[savoring them ribs] Ohm... oh my God. School cafeteria ribs. After all that yogurt and crap they gave me at the hospital? OHM.
Butters
I looove barbecue rib day.
Cartman
Yeah. I think maybe I like rib day even more than sloppy Joe day. It's a difficult choice.
Wendy
Everyone? Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [the students all stop eating and look at her] Look, guys. We're supposed to be the young generation, right? We're the ones upset about the world our parents left us.
Nichole
Yeah, but eating this kind of food makes us all just as guilty.
Wendy
The millions and millions of cows and pigs and chickens that we harvest every year [Cartman begins to tremble in anger]</i> are a huge reason for climate change.
Nichole
It is up to us, as students, to protest for change.
Boy
Young voices matter!
Wendy
Without sustainable and ethical food choices now, we're proving to be no d-
Cartman
[leaves the table] AAAH! GAAAH! [in the middle of the cafeteria, to Wendy] CAN I PLEASE JUST ENJOY MY LUNCH FOR FIVE GODDAMNED MINUTES?!
Butters
You gotta calm down, Eric. Remember your condition, Eric.
Cartman
We all have freedom of speech, but stop talking about climate change DURING LUNCH TIME!
Butters
Okay. that's it, Eric.
Cartman
Some of us can just enjoy some simple goddamned barbecue ribs! And I- Daah! [stiffens up as anger overtakes him] Oh God, they did it again to me, Butters.
Butters
Eric!
Cartman
I thnk this is the Big One! Don't let me die.
Butters
Somebody help!
Cartman
Don't let me die. Don't let me die, Butters. [drops on his back.]
South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunette, Smith, puts some defibrilators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt
Paramedic 1
Clear! [the brunette delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG]
Smith
We got him back!
Cartman
Agh. Fuck you, Wendy.
Burger King, day, inside. A mother and son are at the counter
Clerk
So that's one Whopper, one order of chicken strings, and a medium beverage. Is there any-? [stops when he hears someone outside]
Randy
[outside] Burgers! Get your burgers here!
Clerk
Uh okay, that'll be fift-
Randy
Plant-based burgers for sale!
Clerk
Excuse me one moment. [leaves the counter]
Burger King, day, outside. Randy has his burger stand up, selling $5 burgers that are all natural, plant based, and locally made
Randy
Get your hanburgers here! [a crowd begins to form] Plant-based burgers for sale!
Clerk
[now outside] Hey, what are you doing?
Randy
I'm sellin' hamburgers. All-natural, completely plant-based. [a customer pays up and gets his burgr] Thank you, sir.
Clerk
You can't sell hamburgers here! This is a Burger King!
Towelie
You sell hamburgers here.
Randy
Yeah, you sell hamburgers here.
Customer
This is seriously as good or better than a real hamburger. Can I get a couple more to take to work?
Clerk
Hey! Now look, buddy! I'm not gonna lose customers because of YOU! [walks onto the parking lot] We have plant-based burgers inside as well! Come try our Impossible Burger.
Randy
Tegridy Burger. Made locally right here in South Park. Tegridy Burger.
Clerk
STOP that!
The school gym, day. PC Principal holds a student assembly
PC Principal
Alright everyone, listen up! As you know, there are several students protesting the school menu. But there are other students who are voicing their concerns against changes. Eric Cartman is still recovering in the hospital, we all wish him well. [clears his throeat] Now, the school has been looking into several options to deal with the problem, and I do believe we have found a compromise. We have found a new company in the plant-based fast-food industry who would like to be the supplier for our cafeteria. And so please welcome the founder of Incredible Meat. [steps aside and claps for the founder, who steps in]
Incredible Meat founder
Hello, children. I want to thank you and I want to thank your fine principal for hearing me out. I take plants, and I process them into goo. I'm a goo man. I have factories all over the country. I have trucks right now loaded with goo that can be here within the week. The goo I speak of can be made into anything. It can be made into tacos. It can be made into hot dogs. And I promise you that none of you students will know the difference. I would very much like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your school. I would like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your town. I'm a simple family man and a vegetarian. I would like the opportunity to make you all vegetarians as well, and I thank you.
Park County Community Center, day. Randy stands at the podium reading from index cards
Randy
Eating meat doesn't just hurt animals. It hurts people. It takes 13 pounds of grain to produce just one pound of animal meat. All that plant food could be used much more efficiently if-m, if people just ate it directly. Meat is also not environmentally friendly. Meat production is wasteful and causes enormous amounts of pollution. And the meat industry is one of the biggest... [after a few seconds, the camera finds him drifting away from the podium, Tegridy Burger in one hand, index cards in the other] ...Huh? Oh, I was just saying... [turns and walks back to the podium] that adopting a vegan diet is way more effective than switching to a greener car in the fight against climate change. For your health, for our planet, for the animals and for each other, we have to switch to plant-based foods. Now, it just so happens-
Burger King, day. The clerk is all alone now, having lost all his business to... He hears music outside and walks towards it
Clerk
You gotta be kidding me!
...Tegridy Burger. Randy's hamburger stand is now a full-fledge fast-food restaurant
Randy
[through the PA system] It's our Grand Opening! Come and visit your town's only plant-based burger joint!
Clerk
It's not the town's only plant-based burger joint! [goes back to Burger King. Tegridy Burger is humming with activity]
Randy
Celebrate our Grand Opening! Tegridy Burger! Cheeba cheeba. Cheeba cheeba.
The school cafeteria, day. Token is at the entrance on the lookout
Token
Here he comes. [two seconds later, Cartman enters the cafeteria using a walker. He's in his hospital gown. He sees all the other students staring at him. He turns right and goes to the kitchen]
Cartman
[walks past Mr. Mackey] Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey
[nervously] Wuhuhuhu... hello, Eric.
Cartman
[stands in line behind Butters] What's goin' on, Butters? It's taco Tuesday. [the line moves forward]
Butters
[weakly] It's taco Tuesday... [turns and walks forward. He gets his lunch, looks back at Eric, and heads for the boys table]
Cartman
These tacos look different. What kind are they?
Cook
They're... Incredible Beef... tacos.
Cartman
Oh, Incredible Beef tacos. That sounds nice. [takes his tray and heads back to the cafeteria, where he again sees the students stare at him. He joins the other boys at the table. He looks around and the other students turn back to their meals. Nobody is talking. Cartman bites a taco and his friends look on. After 25 seconds...] Did you guys see that new Joker movie?
Mr. Mackey
Whoa, uh, thank God it worked.
City Wok, day. The goo man stands outside the restaurant and looks it over, then goes inside.
Mr. Kim
Welcome City Wok. I take a order prease.
Goo Man
Are you the owner of this restaurant?
Mr. Kim
Yes. I take a order prease.
Goo Man
I'd like to do business with you. Your establishment here is perfect for my plant-based meats. You see, I am a goo man. If you carry my product, Incredible Meats, we can put the word Incredible before all of your dishes.
Mr. Kim
You mean instead of City Chicken I could have Incredibre City Chicken?
Goo Man
That is correct.
Mr. Kim
You mean instead of City Mongorian Beef I could have Inrcedibry City Mongorian Beef?
Goo Man
That's right.
Mr. Kim
You're saying now I could have scallops with Incredibry City XO sauce?! Okay, sign me up!
Goo Man
That is most excellent. [gets out a pad and pen] Now, how many customers, on avarage, do you have per day?
Mr. Kim
Including my wife? Uh, 0 to 1 per day.
Goo Man
[stunned] That's it?
Mr. Kim
Yeah, I got no customers now that Tegridy Burger opened up. Everyone want plant-based food now. That why I'm ready you sign me up.
Goo Man
What is Tegridy Burgre?
Mr. Kim
Yeah, here you look. Down the brock. [they walk to a window and look out] Most popular prace in town. [they look at the place for a few seconds]
Goo Man
Is that so?! [makes his way to the entrance and leaves]
Mr. Kim
Hey! [follows him out] Hey, what about my incredibry City chicken?
Tegridy Farms, day. A farmer knocks on Randy's door. Randy answers it
Rancher
What'r you doin' you sonofabitch?
Randy
Excuse me?
Rancher
I'm the biggest cattle rancher in South Park. I made ma livin' 62-odd years before you fancy plant growers done showed up and put me out of a job!
Randy
Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cow Killer, but this is called "evolutino."
Rancher
I got 300 cows that the world suddenly decided they got no use fer! What am I supposed to do with them?! Put them in a zoo?! What they gonna do now? Go start some cow circus?! Go make some cow TV show?! You are singlehandedly making cows extinct! You got a plan for 'em all? Fine! [turns tod whistls to his cattle] Come on! [cows emerge from the field and gather outside the front door.] Come on! Yeah, come on! Mr. Plant-based Burgers here is gonna take care of you now! [makes his way through the herd in order to leave] Yeah, don't worry. He cares about the environment, so he could figure out what to do with you.
Randy
Uh ho, hehey, fuck you!
Rancher
No, fuck you, sumbitch! They're your problem now!
Sssssouth Park Elementary, 4th Grade. The students are in their seats, but Mrs. Nelson is seated, hunched over a Tegridy Burger, unable to take another bite but making an effort to.
Butters
...Teacher? [she lifts up a finger and mumbles a bit. The lunch bell rings]
Cartman
Lunchtime! [nothing was taught this morning]
The school cafeteria, lunch. The students stream in as Mr. Mackey keeps watch
Mr. Mackey
Walk, don't run, m'kay?
Cartman
Hey Butters! [Butters stops, a bit unnerved] Wait up, dude. You know what today is, right? It's Salisbury Steak day! Salisbury Steak day!
Both
It's Salis-
Butters
[flatly] -bury Steak day! [looks dejected]
Cartman
Butters, is something going on? Your lunch dances aren't the same.
Butters
Eric, I. I just hate lying to you. I mean, you've been in the hospital. Twice. I feel guilty.
Cartman
Guilty... about what?
Butters
It's our lunches, Eric. It's... Incredible Meat.
Cartman
Yes, I think it's pretty good.
Butters
No, Eric. See, there was this guy. He's a goo man.
Cartman
The fuck is a goo man?
Tegridy Farms, day. The cows are still milling around eating the weed. Some of them poop as they walk. Randy is in his tractor driving around.
Randy
[comes across a cow] Go on! shoo! Hey! Goddamnit! [some time later, he's talking to Towelie] I don't know what we're gonna do. These cows are eating all our weed and they're shitting everywhere. They're gonna put us completely out of business!
Towelie
Did you find anyone else to take 'em?
Randy
Nobody wants cows anymore! They're bad for climate change! [takes a quick look around] We gotta kill 'em.
End of Let Them Eat Goo
  2304: "Let Them Eat Goo" edit
Story Elements

Randy MarshStan MarshEric CartmanTegridy Burger

Media

ImagesScriptExtrasWatch Video

Release

South Park: The Complete Twenty-Third Season

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.