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Cast

  • Kyle
  • Kenny
  • Stan
  • Cartman
  • Ms. Choksondik
  • Butters
  • Chef
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Planned Parenthood Doctor and Nurse
  • Ms. Sanders, Patient
  • Truck Driver
  • Alder Research Group Receptionist
  • Researcher Dr. Larry
  • Randy and Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
  • Liane Cartman
  • Hell's Pass Doctor and Nurse
  • Head Nurse
  • Laura Jones and Bob Ferrin, from Make-A-Wish Foundation
  • Madonna
  • Congressmen
  • Jill, and another woman
  • Mark and wife
  • Man in Wheelchair
  • Man on Crutches

Script

Kenny Dies
Unplanned Parenthood, day. It has undergone renovation, so it looks softer. It's snowing outside
Inside, operating room. A woman is waiting on a hospital bed. She's quite pregnant. A doctor enters the room with a cart housing everything he needs for his work, and approaches the bed
Doctor
Alright, Ms. Sanders, all ready for your abortion? [picks up her chart and reads as canned laughter is heard]
Ms. Sanders
Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess. [the laughter quiets down a bit, but still rolls]
Doctor
Well, try to relax; It will all be over very soon. [more laughter]
Ms. Sanders
Docter, can we turn off that television? [switch to a wide shot of the room, and the television is seen. On screen is a comedy skit featuring Benny Hill and an elderly man. That's where the laughter comes from]
Doctor
[looks up first] Oh yes, I 'm sorry.
[moves to turn off the set and a close-up of the skit is shown: Benny Hill, dressed as a constable, raps the old man on the head and then shoos him along. The set is turned off, and the doctor returns to the woman's bed.]
Now, there is one more thing.
Ms. Sanders
What?
Doctor
Have you heard of stem-cell research?
Ms. Sanders
Uh-I've heard of it on the news, but... I don't know what it is.
Doctor
Well basically, a lot of amazing studies have shown that stem cells might be used to fight cancer and a myriad of other diseases. Right now, a lot of stem cells come from the tissue of aborted fetuses- [taps the woman's leg] ah- I'm sorry, unwanted children. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to studies.
Ms. Sanders
Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others.
Doctor
The hope is that someday it might. [hands her the release form and she signs it]
Ms. Sanders
Well okay. [hands the form back to him]
Doctor
Great. [puts the form inside the cart] Well, here we go. [puts on his gloves]
Hallway outside operating room. A vacuuming sound is heard for a few moments before a janitor passes by with a vacuum cleaner. The OR door opens and the doctor steps out with a small container
Doctor
Nurse? [a nurse arrives] This is to go to Alder's Labs for stem-cell research.
Nurse
Yes, Doctor.
The nurse takes the container and goes to the room next door. She types in a keypad combination and a song starts up: Willie Nelson's "On The Road Again." She pours the contents of the container into a bio-hazard bag and places the back into a secure box. Outside, an Alder's Research Group truck backs up to the loading dock on the outside of Planned Parenthood. Clinic personnel gather the boxes and place them inside the truck's trailer. Once the last box is in they close the trailer and the truck rolls away.
The highway, moments later. The truck rolls along to "On The Road Again." and the driver joins in the singing
Truck Driver
...going places that I've never been
Seeing things that I may never see a- Uuugh! [a deer leaps into the read ahead of him and looks at him] Jesus Christ!! [swerves to avoid the deer and goes over a cliff, tumbling down its side. It lands somewhere below with its contents spilled all over the place. The driver is killed on impact, but the song continues to play...]
The highway, moments later. A Big Wheel rounds a corner...
Cartman
[rides along] My baby takes the morning train and she takes another home again. Hmm. [sees the trashed truck and its contents] What do we have heah? [strokes his chin]
A cow pasture, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit among the cows burning cow dung. Kenny holds the match and lighter. The cows around them are grazing
Stan
Well that burned a long time.
Kyle
Yeah, that was pretty good. [a cow near them drops five pellets and walks off]
Stan
[all three rush to the new dung] Oh dude, there goes one.
Kyle
[to Kenny] 'K go! [Kenny strikes a match and lights the dung, which yields a nice fire]
Stan, Kyle
Alright!
Kenny
(That's awesome) [coughs heavily]
Kyle
You've had that cough a while, Kenny. You okay?
Kenny
(All right. I'm fine.)
Butters
[rushing up to them] Hehehey, fellas! Ah, hey fellas!
Stan
What, Butters?
Butters
Eric says you gotta come to his house right away.
Stan
Tell him we're busy.
Butters
Oh, ah, well, he knew you'd say that, so, he told me to tell you that you don't wanna miss this.
Kyle
What, did he lose a hundred pounds? [the boys laugh]
Butters
Yeah, he ah knew you'd say that, too, so he said t'say, uh, up your ass, Jew. [the boys stop laughing and look at him] Yeah.
Stan
Alright, let's go see what he wants. [the boys turn right and leave. Butters stays behind and looks at the melted turds. He approaches, squats, and sticks his finger in it]
Butters
Oh, it's all sticky. [wipes his finger off on his coat, leaving a streak of turd on it]
Cartman's house, minutes later. The three other boys approach him in the living room. Cartman can barely contain his glee.
Kyle
Alright, Cartman! What's so important you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?!
Cartman
Oh you guys, you're not gonna believe it!
Stan
What?
Cartman
Guess what I have sitting in my back yard?
Kyle
A trampoline?
Cartman
Better.
Stan
A boat?
Cartman
Better.
Kenny
(A football machine?)
Cartman
Better.
Stan
Well WHAT, Cartman?
Cartman
Thirty-three aborted fetuses. [the boys look back at him for a long time] Oh yes.
Kyle
...What? [closes his eyes in disbelief]
Cartman
Mint condition, tax free.
Stan
Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?!
Kyle
I'm leaving right now! [turns and heads for the door]
Cartman
Oh, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle!
Kyle
[turns around] You've never watched the news, fatass! [rejoins Stan and Kenny] And what the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Cartman
Stem cells, numbnuts!
Stan
Stem cells?
Kyle
Oh, and what do you know about stem cells?!
Kenny
(What the fuck are stem cells?)
Kyle
They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research show that they could be used to treat diseases.
Cartman
[points at Kyle] It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 3-2-1 Contact. With all the research that's going on, stem cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my back yard is an aborted treasure chest.
Kyle
...I hate you so much. [turns around and heads back for the door again. The others turn and follow. Kenny coughs again.]
Cartman
Fine! I don't need you assholes! I can sell these fetuses all on my own!
Cartman's house, later. He's up in his room placing cold calls to business he finds in the Yellow Pages.
Cartman
Hello. Is this the University of Colorado Biology Department? ...Great, uh I understand you're currently doing research on stem cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in possession of some aborted fetuses that I'm looking to unload? ...Uh, how much do you pay? ...No, no, come on, ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty dollars a pound right now. ...How about a hundred? ...Oh you're breaking my balls- I, I'll think about it.


[later]

Bosnod Medical Group? ...Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses? ...Okay, hi Randy, yeah. ...Oh yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. ...These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. ...So what can your company give me for 'em? ...Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. ...You're breaking my balls, Randy.


[later]

Oh plehease! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? ...Yeah, I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. ...So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other? Breakin' my balls, Chuck.


[later]


I gotta unload these fetuses, you wanna do some research. Are we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. ...I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [suddenly grins and covers the receiver with his right hand] That's a joke [removes his hand from the receiver] ...A hundred ten. ...Alright, alright, we got a deal. ...Good bye. [hangs up and relaxes, putting his feet up on his desk and his hands behind his head] Damn I'm good.

Alder Research Group, some days later. Cartman enters, hauling the thirty-three aborted fetuses behind him in a wagon. Workers around the lab move stuff around
Receptionist
Can I help you?
Cartman
Yes, I'm making a delivery of these fetuses hyah?
Receptionist
Oh, right, the fetuses. We were very lucky you called. Our last shipment of fetuses was lost in a truck accident.
Cartman
[rips out a bill...] Gee, that's terrible. So, uh who do I talk to about payment?
Researcher
[in the background, walking by] This is awful, just awful!
Receptionist
Oh Larry! This young man has some new fetuses for research.
Cartman
[picks up and carries a box] You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry. They're top notch.
Larry
[the researcher] Oh well, I'm sorry, but we can't buy those from you now.
Cartman
...What?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought them all the way down here already!
Larry
I'm afraid the government has just put a ban on stem-cell research.
Receptionist
A ban? Why?
Larry
Too many people were upset about using aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's too bad, too. We really coulda helped a lot of people.
Cartman
[Cartman's mouth opens in disbelief, then he gets angry] Ay! What the hell am I supposed to do with these things, huh?! Goddammit! [throws the box down on the floor, breaking it and spilling its contents. Now there are thirty-two aborted fetuses]
South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom
Stan
Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.
Kyle
[he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
Ms. Choksondik
[enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [sets the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.
Stan
The principal? Aw, come on!
Kyle
We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!
Ms. Choksondik
She needs to see you now! [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]
Kyle
Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.
Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle enter expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey
Principal Victoria
Hello, boys.
Stan
Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]
Kyle
Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.
Mr. Mackey
[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]
Kyle
Kenny's sick?
Stan
Well how sick?
Chef
Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.
Stan
[after a pause] ...but... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?
Sharon
Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]
Stan
Mom? That's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.
Sharon
Randy...
Randy
They don't think so, Stanley. Your... your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.
Kyle
Wait. Kenny's going to die?
Gerald
...He might, Kyle.
Stan
[tearing up] ...But... he's our... fu... fufu- friend.
Mr. Mackey
We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
Stan
No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]
Cartman's hosue, day. He's upstairs in his room placing cold calls anew.
Cartman
Come on, Jack, you gotta be able to offer me more than that. ...Yes, I realize there's a ban on stem-cell research, but I've got thirty-some-odd human fetuses in my backyard! I'm sure there's other research your company can do with them. ...You'll take one? Okay, how much for one? ...Aw, Jack, you're breaking my balls here, Jack.:[later. There are now thirty-one]

Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant? ...Yeah, hi, I've got a shipment of about thrity-one of the most succulent shrimp from the West Indies. ...These are killer shrimp, Gary, your customers are gonna love 'em. ...What kind of price you payin' for shrimp? ...Oh, Gary, you're breakin' my balls, Gary. How about ten and a quarter? ...Balls, Gary. Breakin' 'em. ...Alright, I'll call you back. [hangs up and sighs deeply]

Liane
[opens the door and looks in] Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you.
Cartman
Not now, Mom, I've only unloaded three feti; I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil.
Liane
They say it's an emergency.
Cartman
[shifts in his chair] Buh, alright. [Liane leaves] eh, Butters?
Butters
[steps into view in Cartman's room] Uh, yeah?
Cartman
Are you through databasing the clientele sheet?
Butters
Eh, just about.
Cartman
[leaving his chair and heading for his door] Alright, well, you gotta take over the telemarketing for a bit.
Butters
Oh. Well, uh okay. [approached Cartman's chair and hops on]
Cartman
[turns around] Just remember what I taught you and follow protocol. Next number to try is on the list.
Butters
Right. [picks up the phone and checks out the next number. Cartman leaves. Butters starts dialing] Uh hello? Is this Mr. Thompson with Anatomy Research? ...Yes, uh, hello sir. Uh, aah, we have a surplus of unborn fetuses that we think you can use for a ...dissection study. Uh huh, ah, how much do you pay for that? ...You're breaking my balls. ...I said, you're breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. ...My, my balls.
Living room, moments later. Cartman reaches the foot of the stairs.
Cartman
What is this, a PTA meeting? [before him stand his mother, Sheila, Kyle, and Stan. Stan's head hangs forward as he looks down]
Kyle
Cartman. [pause] Kenny's in the hospital.
Cartman
[shock and distress flashes across his face] In the ...hospital? Why?
Kyle
They told us he has a m-muscular disease. An and, that ...and that he, he might die. [Stan raises his head and looks at Kyle]
Cartman
[more worried] Die? Kenny?
Stan
[looks up at Kyle] Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna die!
Sheila
I'm going to go take the boys to go see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought you might wanna come.
Cartman
Yeah. Yeah, of course. Let me get my coat. [turns and goes up the stairs]
Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kenny lies in a bed in a patient room with an IV unit attached
Doctor
[fixing an IV for Kenny] There we go, little buddy.
Kenny
(Thank you, Doc.)
Doctor
You sure you don't wanna take your jacket off; it's pretty warm.
Kenny
(I'm all right)
Nurse
Hey, look who has some visitors. [walks in with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]
Doctor
Hmm, what a lucky little man. We'll be right outside if you need us, Kenny. [the nurse and doctor leave the room.]
Kyle
[volunteers] Hey dude, how's it going?
Kenny
(I'm okay, I guess.)
Cartman
We got you a present: it's a Gobo fighter.
Kyle
Heh, don't, don't tell him what it is, dude.
Cartman
Heh, sorry. [Stan remains speechless. Kenny looks at his friends and coughs violently]
Kyle
Hey, uh- we were all just talkin' about how when you get better, we're all gonna go down to Stark's Pond again and go camping. Huh, Stan?
Stan
[finds his voice] I- [looks at Kenny, then at Kyle, then at Kenny, and rushes out the door]
Hell's Pass Hospital, day, outside. Stan rushes out the front door, Kyle pursuing
Kyle
[looks around] Stan? [sees him and follows] Stan, where are you going?
Stan
I can't, I just can't.
Kyle
Dude, he needs us right now.
Stan
[turns around] I can't see him like that, Kyle. All those hoses and wires. He's a kid, dude. He's s'posed to be running around and laughing.
Kyle
I, I know it's tough but- [Stan turns away] Look at me! [turns him back around] I know it's tough, okay?! I know! But we have to be tough right now!
Stan
And what are we supposed to do, huh?! Stand in that room and keep making small talk?! Make believe like everything's okay?! I CAN'T DO IT!
Kyle
Look, however hard you think it for you, it's a lot harder for him!
Stan
[turns around and walks away] Just leave me alone!
Kyle
Stan, you can't leave!
Stan
[turns once more, with tears in his eyes] I'm not the one who's leaving, he is! [turns and leaves. Kyle turns to go back to the hospital, but sighs silently]
Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. Cartman was left alone with Kenny as Kyle went after Stan
Cartman
[with emotion in his voice] ...You know, it's funny, Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always been sort of two best friends, you know, and... well I- I don't know if I ever told you this, Kenny, but um... I kind of always thought you were my best f-friend. I don't know.
Kenny
(Eric, well you're my best friend, too.)
Nurse
[opens the door and looks in] Okay, we're gonna need to get Kenny some time to sleep now.
Cartman
Don't you worry, Kenny. I I'm gonna find a cure for you. Everything's gonna be okay! [walks towards the door. The nurse leaves, then Cartman exits]
Hospital corridor, Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman appears outside the door with a long face, chokes up, and faces the wall to cry
Kyle
[returning to Kenny's room] Cartman?
Cartman
[composes himself] Oh, Kyle. Hey, what's goin' down, Jew-boy? [sniffles]
Kyle
Cartman, were you... crying?
Cartman
' No! No, I mean, I, I got somethin' in my eyes. It's this uh, the air in here is just- uh. [breaks down again, but tries to hide it] Oh man.
Kyle
Hey Cartman. [Cartman looks up and turns around] I care a lot about him, too. [Cartman wells up again, and Kyle reaches out to hug him]
Cartman
I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear to God I'm gonna find a cure.
Kyle
[comforting him] Sure you will, Cartman. Sure you will.
Alder Research Group, next day. Inside, employees are packing away their computers and other office equipment
Larry
[enters with Cartman] This is where the bulk of our research was being done. But due to the government ban, we're mostly just packing things up.
Cartman
Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?
Larry
Look, you have trillions of cells in your body: heart cells, skin cells, brain cells, and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell. Do you understand?
Cartman
Not at all, but go on. [they both turn and approach a table. On the table is a cage with a rat inside it.]
Larry
Because these cells are blanks, they will often program themselves based on what cells you put around them. You see this rat? Earlier this year, we surgically removed the middle of her spine. then we injected her with some stem cells and... they became the missing part of the spine.
Cartman
My God...
Larry
Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease or heart tissue of cardiac patients might ultimately be replaced by tissue grown from stem cells.
Cartman
So then, could stem cells be used on someone whose muscle tissue is wasting away? In other words, if a little boy was dying from a muscular disease, the stem cells could become new muscle tissue.
Larry
That's the theory.
Cartman
Well, so then, if the stem cells are placed nest to s Shakey's Pizza, they would become another Shakey's Pizza! And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza where you didn't have to charge yourself to eat!
Larry
Well, no. To build another Shake's it would be better to use lumber.
Cartman
Hmmm.
Larry
But, unfortunately, the government has banned stem cell research and so... we'll never know.
Cartman
Looks like someone is gonna have to try and change the government's mind. [turns around and heads for the exit]
Larry
Where are you going?
Cartman
There's a pretty brave kid fighting for his life in the hospital right now, doctor. I'm gonna get him some bigger boxing gloves.
Larry
Hey kid. [music stops, then a pause] Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell. [strikes his fists together, one over the other. Cartman returns the gesture with a thumbs-up, then walks off... then stops]
Cartman
Oh, doctor. [Larry turns around. Cartman has his thumb up] Thanks. Thanks. [Larry returns the gesture with his own thumb up, and Cartman leaves again.]
Larry
Oh, hey kid. [Cartman returns] Good luck. Good luck. [Cartman gives a thumb up, walks away, then backs up]
Cartman
Oh, and doctor. ...Ah, never mind. [walks away]
Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. The McCormicks, Kyle, and Chef are present. Kyle has with him a bunch of get-well cards from the other students in his class. The bed is seen from an angle
Kyle
...And see? Here's one from Butters. It says, "We can't wait to see you back in school, Kenny." And it has a picture of him and you in a little airplane! [shows him the picture: Butters and Kenny are in a little yellow biplane]
Chef
Oh, isn't that nice? You've got lots of friends, don't you Kenny?
Kenny
(Yes.) [coughs a bit] (But what about Stan?)
Kyle
Stan? Oh. Well, no, there's nothing here from Stan, but, well, Stan's gonna come and see you real soon, I bet, Kenny.
Kenny
(I hope so)
Nurse
[opens the door] Hey, look who's here.
Kenny
[perks up a bit] (Stan??)
Woman
[walks in with balloons and an assistant] Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and this is Bob Ferrin.
Bob
We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. [a cameraman walks in and moves to the head of Kenny's bed]
Ms. McCormick
Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?
Kenny
(The Make-A-Wish Foundation?)
Laura
We travel the country given special little boys and girls like you their biggest wish.
Kyle
Neat, huh Kenny?
Kenny
(Yes.)
Laura
So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, what would it be? [there's no answer. A moment of silence]
Bob
What's your wish, pal?
Kenny
(I guess the only thing I wish is to not die.)
Laura
What did he say?
Kyle
He said his wish is not to die. [a long stretch of silence in which the cameraman looks from person to person.]
Laura
...O-kay, and, what if you're gonna have two wishes, what would the second one be?
Bob
I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny
(No. Fuckin' Madonna...) [his words trail off and are hard to understand]
Bob
Wu- what was that?
Kyle
He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself. [the Foundation reps are stunned. Madonna appears in the doorway]
Madonna
Should I come in now?
Bob
Uh no not quite yet.
The cow pasture, day. Stan has come here to reflect on Kenny's hospitalization. He sits on a log resting his head on his hands and watches as a cow drops a load of dung next to the log. He strikes a match and tosses it on the dung. The dung lights up and burns
Chef
[approaches] Hello there, children.
Stan
Hey Chef.
Chef
How's it goin'?
Stan
Bad.
Chef
Yeah. Things have been better.
Stan
Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my fr-f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone else's f-f-friend?
Chef
[sighs] Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand.
Stan
But then, why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef
Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then it would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. [pause]
Stan
I think I understand.
Capitol Hill, Washington DC
Cartman
My name is Eric Cartman and I live in Colorado. My best friend in the whole world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's sick right now. He's real sick. He's only eight years old and his doctors don't think he has very long to live. Look, I realize that using the tissue from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject, but... All I know is that if there's a chance, a... chance that stem-cell research could save my best friend's life, well... I guess I owe it to him to try and change your minds. [a shot of Congress] I love Kenny McCormick and... [sob] I want you to love him too. [cries as Congresspeople look to each other] And I uh, I'm not the best speaker in the world. Maybe I can put it best in the words of a timeless song [takes a deep breath]


It was the heat of the moment telling me what your heart meant

The heat of the moment shone in your eyes

I never meant to be so bad to you

One thing I said that I would never do

Congressman 1

One look from you and I would fall from grace.

Congressman 2

'And that would wipe the smile right from my face.

Congressman 1, Cartman

Do you remember when we used to dance? [three Congressmen perform the following: two leg slaps and a clap]

A few Congressmen

And incidents arose from circumstance? [more Congressmen perform the moves]

Everyone

One thing led to another; we were young [everyone does the moves, and the result is thunderous]

And we would scream together songs unsung

It was the heat of the moment

Telling me what our hearts meant

The heat of the moment

shone in your eyes

Planned Parenthood, day. Cartman, in shirt and tie, is outside with clipboard in hand, talking to a woman about to have an abortion.
Cartman
And so you see, now that the ban on stem-cell research has been lifted, we can sell your fetus to companies like Alder Labs.
Woman
Oh, I don't know.
Cartman
Look, I can offer you seventy-five dollars for that fetus right now, Jill.
Jill
Seventy-five dollars? Well, alright.
Cartman
[hands the clipboard over for her to sign the release form] Great, just sign right here, please. [another woman arrives] Hi. Havin' an abortion today? [Jill hands him the clipboard back, then heads for the clinic] Great. [to the second woman] Listen, if you'd like to sell your abortion for research I'm offering uh, seventy-five dollars. Help you out a little bit with your medical bill in there. [she nods and reaches for the clipboard.] And you sign right here. [hands her the clipboard and she signs. A couple passes by] Uh excuse me, ma'am. Can I interest you in selling your aborted fetus? [the second woman enters the clinic]
Woman 2
We're not going to the abortion clinic. I'm going to have this baby.
Cartman
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, because uh, there's a little boy dying in a hospital right now who sure could use that baby more than you could. The stem cells from your fetus could help save his life.
Man
Oh. Well, I guess we can always... just make another one.
Woman 2
Oh Mark, I love you.
Cartman
Alright! Now Kenny has a fighting chance.
Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan enters with a package, his faith renewed, his confidence strong, and makes his way down the hall, passing people as he goes
Head nurse
[at her station] Young man, do you know where you're going?
Stan
Yeah. I'm gonna see my friend, because he needs me right now.
Head nurse
All right! [Stan passes a man in a wheelchair]
Man In Wheelchair
Go kid! [Stan passes a man on crutches]
Man On Crutches
Good for you! [Stan passes a doctor and nurse, and they smile]
Hell's Pass Hospital, Kenny's room. Stan enters happily
Stan
Hey, Kenny! [grins, then is stunned. The room is empty. Kenny is gone. Due to terminal illness.] Oh no. [Kyle walks up to the room, but stays outside] No.
Kyle
He just... He just... stopped breathing. And it was over.
Stan
But... [a shot of the bed reveals a teddy bear on the floor] I didn't get to see him. Hell I, I didn't get to sssay good-bye. [another shot of the bed reveals a teddy bear on the floor] Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle
He just said... "Where's Stan?"
First Church of South Park,some days later, day.
Mr. Garrison
And so, we will all miss Kenny, his playful laughter, his innocent smile. But we will never forget that it was because of brave Kenny that stem-cell research was allowed to continue.
Stan
I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend. [the doors fly open and Cartman walks in. He sees his friends and they look back.]
Cartman
You guys! Come quick! [Stan and Kyle look surprised]
Kyle
What, Cartman?
Cartman
It's... [Cartman turns around] Why, it's a miracle, you guys! [rushes out the door to a spot on the side of the road. Stan and Kyle follow.]
Outside, day. Cartman stops, but still bounces from joy. Stan and Kyle join him
Stan
What, Cartman? What's happened?
Cartman
Look. [across the street stands a Shakey's Pizza] I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's, and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! [oozing sounds are heard as a new Shakey's is indeed rising up next to the current one] It worked! [Kyle is shocked.]
Stan
This whole time, you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?
Cartman
Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's!
Kyle
I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you.
Cartman
I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies, [Kyle turns and faces him angrily] and I can finish up the kitchen.
Kyle
AAARGH! [jumps up on Cartman and starts pummeling him. Cartman tosses him off]
Cartman
Aah! Kyle! [Kyle punches him across the face a few times] Kyle! [Kyle delivers a series of punches to the chest]
Stan
Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend! [Kyle gives Cartman a good roundhouse right and Cartman falls on the ground, face first.] Cartman was! [Kyle continues beating Cartman up]
End of Kenny Dies


  513: "Kenny Dies" edit
Story Elements

Kenny McCormickMadonna • "Heat of the Moment" • "On the Road Again" • "Morning Train (9 to 5)" • Shakey's PizzaAlder Research GroupUnplanned Parenthood ClinicHells Pass Hospital

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fifth Season

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