FANDOM



The official script for "Jewbilee" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Moses
  • Haman
  • Elder Carn
  • Elder Harris
  • Elder Garth
  • Elder Schwartz
  • Schlomo
  • The Jew Scouts and Inductees
  • The Squirts
  • Ranger
  • A Momma Bear and her Cub

Script

Jewbilee
Broflovski residence. Gerald and Sheila are with Ike at his changing table in his room.
Sheila
Hold still, Ike! We have to get you dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?
Gerald
I don't know. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna be late for Jew Scouts!
Kyle looks in the bathroom mirror to make sure everything is set, and hums. Both he and Kyle have little pigtails hanging from their hair.
Sheila
Kyle!
Kyle
I'm coming, Ma! [the doorbell rings]
Sheila
Go get the door, Kyle!
Kyle
[to himself, angrily] "Get ready", "answer the door", Jesus Christ, make up your friggin' mind! [exits]
Living room. Kyle walks across to the front door and opens it
Kyle
Oh! Hey, Kenny.
Kenny
(Kyle, I'm gonna camp and watch the meteor shower. Do you wanna come and see it with me?)
Kyle
I can't watch the meteor shower with you, Kenny. I have to go to Jewbilee.
Kenny
(What's that?)
Kyle
It's what we do in Jew Scouts. Usually we just sit around and make stuff. But tonight, because there's a meteor shower, we're gonna do some big thing out in the woods. It's gonna suck ass, I'm sure.
Kenny
(Oh, that's alright.)
Kyle
Hey! Maybe you can come with me. Then it won't suck so hard.
Kenny
(Really?) [follows Kyle to the sofa, where Kyle's parents now wait]
Kyle
Mom? Can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?
Sheila
...Uhwell, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a ...special thing.
Kyle
...Oh. Kenny isn't special?
Kenny
(Aw.)
Sheila
No, no, you're very special, Kenny. It's just that... well, Jewbilee is... for Jewish kids. [Kyle and Kenny have blank stares]
Gerald
You see boys, Jew Scouts is a special group that borrows a little bit from all different Jewish denominations. From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews... But you have to believe the basic tenets of Judaism to be a Scout.
Kyle
Kenny'll believe whatever you want him to.
Kenny
(Yeah.)
Sheila
Kyle, eh, the problem is...
Kyle
Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has anywhere else to be tonight.
Gerald
Oh, all right. Just don't let any of the elders know that he isn't Jewish, okay?
Kenny
(Woohoo!)
Sheila
Come on, Ike! [he hops in] It's time to go to Squirts!
Kenny
(Squirts?)
Sheila
You have to be in Squirts if you're too young to be a Jew Scout.
Kenny
(Oh.)
Sheila
Don't worry, Kenny. I'll fill you in on our faith on the way up there. [everyone heads out the door]
In the car. The family and Kenny drive south as a full moon rises. Sheila gives a quick overview of the Old Testament, or Tanakh
Sheila
And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore him no children. She had a handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abraham, "Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing. I pray thee, go into my maid."
Kenny
(Uh huh.)
Sheila
Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then said to kill. But that was just a little silly trick to see if Abraham would do it.
Kenny
(Uh huh!)
Ike
Eng jeck. [takes off his cap]
Kyle
No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his Squirt uniform!
Sheila
Ike, you behave!
Ike
Buwor? [takes off his cap again]
Kyle
No, Ike!
Ike
Buh buh buh buh. [the cap is back on, the bandana comes off]
Kyle
I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.
Gerald
[turns to face the boys] Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts, and so was I. You have to go so someday you can be a big brave Jew Scout.
Ike
No-o. [takes off the pigtails]
Gerald
Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle.
Kyle
What? You want me to lie?
Gerald
Yeah, lie.
Kyle
Oh. Ike, Squirts is so much fun--
Sheila
Oh my God, what is that?! [brakes hard and stop. A big brown bear is walking towards them.]
Gerald
Hey, it's a bear! [the bear turns left and walks into the woods]
Kyle
Wow, cool.
Sheila
This retreat really is out of the way, isn't it?
The Jew Scout camp. The sign on the entrance reads, "WELCOME TO JEWBILEE." They reach the Jew welcome station
Ranger
Welcome to Jewbilee. You folks find it okay?
Gerald
Yeah. [the boys leave the car] Actually, we saw a bear a few miles back.
Kyle
He was huge.
Ranger
Yeah. We spotted him a few days ago. Nothing to worry about, though. Your boys are safe with us.
Sheila
I'm sure they are.
Gerald
We'll be back to pick you up after the meteor shower party, boys.
Sheila
Good-bye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be safe. And Kenny?
Kenny
(Uh huh?)
Sheila
Try and act Jewish. [drives away. Ike is properly dressed again]
Kenny
(How do you do that?)
Squirt leader
[arrives with his troop] Come on, Squirt! We're meeting over here! [motions to the place]
Kyle
[Ike hides behind him] Who are you?
Squirt leader
I'm the Squirt leader. I don't want to be the Squirt leader, but I don't have a choice; it's the only way I can earn my chutzpah badge. So I gotta spend all night instructing Squirts.
Kyle
You have to go with him, Ike.
Ike
Buh buh buh buh.
Kyle
Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun. And I'll be right over there in the next building. [points to it.]
Ike
Boul ball.
Squirt leader
Come on! [drags Ike away. The Squirts leave as well, and the ranger returns]
Ranger
Name?
Kyle
Kyle Broflovski.
Kenny
(Kenny McCormick.)
Ranger
What?
Kyle
Uh, Kenny McHeinenberg.
Ranger
[writes the names] Alright, get to Meshuggeneh Hall! The meeting is already starting.
On the way to Meshuggeneh Hall. Kenny is curious about the buildings, naturally.
Kenny
(What's that?) [about the CHAMBER OF ELDERS]
Kyle
This is where the elders meet. Nobody is allowed to go in there when they're having a meeting.
Chamber of Elders, the meeting. The Chief Elder sits on a futuristic throne, from which he can look down at the other elders
Chief elder
Baleilah hazein, Hame kadesh mekoh hikenazu puanazikeh hakeilah. (Now gather us, the elders, on this most holy of nights.)
Elders
Helalelah, het Moshe. (Praise Moses.)
Chief elder
I want to welcome you all. Though we each come from a different sect of Judaism, on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray to Moses as one. Hineinih kureh leirukeshu. (May all the power of Moses show the way...) Now, let us all introduce ourselves.
Elder 1
[with buns on his head] Elder Carn, from the Orthodox synagogue.
Elder 2
[with mustache] Elder Harris, from the Hasidic sect.
Elder 3
Elder Garth, from the synagogue of anti-Semites.
Chief elder
[cautiously] I don't believe I've heard of the anti-Semitic sect of Judaism before.
Elder Garth
We're new.
Squirt's Lair. Stars of David are everywhere
Squirt leader
Okay, Squirts, the elders have given us a very important task tonight. We are all going to make macaroni pictures, like this one, [pulls out a picture of the Star of David made from macaroni] using dry macaroni, paper, and glue.
Squirt 1
How come we have to make macaroni pictures?
Squirt leader
[angrily] Because that's what Squirts do! Now, shut your pie-hole!
Squirt 2
What's your name?
Ike
No.
Squirt 2
How come your head is lookin' so... funny-looking?
Ike
Uh-uh. [doffs the hat and pigtails and hops to the window. He sees Kyle and Kenny walk to Meshuggeneh Hall]
Meshuggeneh Hall, the camp lodge, but inside it looks like a lecture hall. The banner outside says, "Jew Scouts Meeting Hall"
Elder
And that's how we'll be making tonight's craft. And so you see, Scouts, all you need is a bar of soap and a dull knife [displays them], and you can make nifty soap sculptures like these. Here's a giraffe. [displays it] And here's a cloud. [displays it] You can all pick up your bars of soap later on, as we will all be making soap sculptures tonight. [Kyle and Kenny enter and take their seats] Now, this year we are pleased to announce that Jewbilee has grown to over one hundred Jew Scouts from all around the country. All new inductees, raise your hands. [several of them raise their hands. None of them wear the Jew Scout cap yet.]
Kyle
That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand. [Kenny does so. The elder spots the new Scouts, but returns to an odd prospect]
Elder
Uhhhh, yess, and what is your name, young man?
Inductee
Junichi.
Elder
O-oh, wonderful, uh, uh, um... [places his index finger on his lower lip] Cu-could you run out and grab some... some of those candles for us? [Junichi leaves, and the attendant locks the door immediately] There we go. Ahem. [Kyle notices the injustice that has just been done] Now, I would like all the new inductees to step forward, please. [the new Scouts leave their seats and come up]
Kyle
This part kinda sucks, Kenny, but don't screw it up. [Kenny moves forward]
Elder
Raise your left hand and repeat after me: I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
Inductees
I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
Elder
My honor, wide and true.
Inductees
My honor, wide and true.
Elder
I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
Inductees
I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
Elder
Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
Inductees
Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
Elder
[brings forth a large bell] Nahit chaim.
Inductee 1
Nahit chaim. [the elder lowers the bell over his head and strikes it once to produce a long, loud peal, then raises it. The boy walks off]
Elder
Nahit chaim.
Inductee 2
Nahit chaim. [the elder lowers the bell over his head, strikes it, and raises it. The boy stumbles away crying]
Elder
Nahit chaim.
Kenny
(Nahit chaim.) [the elder lowers the bell over his head, strikes it, but Kenny ducks] (Ha! Hiheh haha.) [the elder lowers it again and strikes it several times to make sure] (Hah! Oh my God!)
Squirt's Lair. Macaroni projects now due
Squirt leader
Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made macaroni pictures of. Ishmael?
Ishmael
Apple.
Squirt leader
Good. Matthew?
Matthew
Cat.
Squirt leader
Joseph?
Joseph
Triangle.
Squirt leader
Okay. Ike?
Ike
Cokeshen.
Squirt leader
[gasps] ...You don't make a macaroni picture of the Last Supper at a Jewish camp! [growling and other noises are heard] What the geez? [outside, a bear is searching through trashcans. The leader goes to the window] Oh my God, it's that bear they've been talking about! [the bear looks back, then jumps and runs away, leaving the trashcans strewn about and trash everywhere. The leader walks out with the Squirts] Where did it go?! Squirts, go grab your gear! We're gonna hunt us a bear! Then I'll get my chutzpah badge for sure!
Chamber of Elders. Meanwhile...
Chief Elder
Elehem hav dorim, ashoseveh laoleinu. Hakadosh boruku, omasheh hachreit. (Tonight, for the meteor shower, we will pray to Moses. Then we will give Moses thanks.)
Elder Garth
[losing patience] Oh, enough already. What has Moses ever done for us?
Chief elder
All sects of Judaism follow the words of Moses.
Elder Garth
Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is a sign of the New Time, heh. We should use it to pray to Haman and enter into a new millennium faith, and it--
Chief elder
Enough, elder! You will not speak the name of Haman here!
Elder Garth
All you ever do is worship Moses, but it says in the Book of Centuries that Haman will one day lead the Jews.
Elder Harris
We pray to Moses here, elder.
Elder Garth
If you guys love Moses so much, why don't you marry him?!
Chief elder
We accept all denominations of Judaism here at Scouts, elder, but your synagogue of anti-Semites is too strange! Get out and do not return: you are no longer welcome here!
Elder Garth
Fine! [goes to the door and turns] Jewbilee is the time of Haman! You will all see how wrong you are, very soon! When Haman returns from the Ninth Tower of Disillusionment, and smotes Moses and all his followers into pillars of dust that would cry for their petty lives but can't, having recently been turned into dust and all, you will see! You will see this very night! [walks out and closes the door.]
Chief elder
Hello.
Campfire. The Jew Scouts form a ring around it and sit. Kyle and Kenny stand behind the chief elder.
Kyle
Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the circle.
Kenny
(What the fuck are we doing?)
Kyle
This is where we all stand in a circle and pray to Moses for guidance during Jewbilee.
Kenny
(Uheheheheh, that's stupid.)
Kyle
It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my faith and you shouldn't make fun of it!
Chief elder
Alright, Jew Scouts, the meteor shower will start soon. Let's pray to Moses for guidance. [spreads his arms out. All the Scouts close their eyes save Kenny, who looks around first, then closes them.] Moses, great leader, on this blessed night of Jewbilee, we ask for your tutelage.
Scouts
May the teachings of Moses fill our ears and our hearts respectively.
All
[the elder first, then the Scouts join him one by one] O...
Elder Garth
[behind a nearby tree] Stupid assholes. Moses ain't gonna teach them anything! [softens to pray] Do not fear, Haman. This night shall be yours, and the anti-Semitic Jews will once again rule the Earth.
The Squirts and their leader march through the woods...
Squirt leader
We are Squirts, we are Squirts; we're so kosher that it hurts
When we get older we'll be Scouts, but until then we are Squirts
[gasps. The brown bear is in front of him approaching a pile of crap]
There he is, Squirts. [the bear turns up its snout, but sniffs again] Okay, Squirts. Remember the plan: immobilize and attack. Matthew, y-you immobilize the bear with the net, then Echo team, run up and attack it with your Squirt knives. [the bear sniffs some more] Don't get too close now, just close enough to throw the net on the stupid bear. [Matthew goes forward with the net. The leader and the other Squirts hide behind some bushes and watch. The leader then barks] Now! [the bear turns to see Matthew and growls, and Matthew throws the net on himself]
Matthew
Oh, funt. [the bear takes the net and carries Matthew away] No!
Squirt leader
Oh, no! [the bear disappears] Oh, God! [comes out of the bush with the Squirts] Oh, the bear took a Squirt. Oh, I'm gonna get it now!
Back at the campfire, the Scouts are trying to summon Moses
All
[long note] O... [the Scouts are now holding hands as they chant]
Kenny
[notices some rumbling] (What's happening now?)
Kyle
[looks at him] Shh. Shut up, Kenny. [rejoins the rest in chanting, the fire builds, and a huge techno-colored dreidel rises out of the fire. A face appears on it]
Kenny
(What the fuck is that?!)
Kyle
[stops long enough to say] That's Moses, stupid! [rejoins the rest in chanting]
Chief elder
Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers, want to thank you a lot for coming.
Moses
The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all debts be forgiven and all slaves freed. Mwaaaaaaaaaah!
All
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Chief elder
Alright Scouts, let's all show Moses our soap sculptures so that he may rejoice and be pleased. [the Scouts approach Moses one by one, offer their sculptures, and drop them off before him]
Kyle
[steps up and offers his] It's a duck. [Kenny steps up, but he's just starting on his sculpture]
Behind the tree. Garth reads from the Book of Centuries
Elder Garth
"And it was foretold that the spirit of Moses would finally rest when his spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a conch shell of blind faith." Conch shell, like this one, hnee. [produces one from his robes]
Campfire.
Chief elder
Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings of macaroni pictures. They should be here any second. [walks up to Elder Harris] Where the hell are the Squirts? [Elder Harris shrugs] We need those macaroni pictures for Moses right now!
The woods. The Squirt leader is setting a trap for the bear. He places some bait on a tray swinging from a rope as the Squirts hold the rope steady from behind a bush. Then he pours some DED RAT grains onto the bait
Squirt leader
Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes rat poison. [reviews his work] Well now, that'll be enough to kill a stupid bear. Okay, raise the tray! [the Squirts start heaving] Chutzpah badge, here I come. [the bear shows up and growls] Yikes! [runs for the bushes and reaches the Squirts] Okay, here he comes. Easy now. Easy, Squirts. [the bear comes closer, sniffing] Okay, Squirt, lower the tray. [the Squirt begins to lower it] That's it. That's it, you god-damned stupid bearface! [the bear rears up and pounces on the tray, jerking the rope.]
Squirt
Agghhh! [the leader gasps. The Squirt is pulled into the air and lands in the tray] Ah--! [the bear carries him off] Agghhh!
Squirt leader
Jesus! Hell, he got another Squirt!
Ike
Mommy.
Squirt leader
[steps out of the bush with the Squirts] You think you can stop me from getting my chutzpah badge, you stupid bear?! Think again!
Campfire. The Scouts now sing "Kumbaya," a spiritual
All
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya
O Lord, Kumbaya
Chief elder
Great and honorable Moses, what do you desire from us, your children?
Moses
I desire... [the elders and the Scouts await anxiously] I desire... macaroni pictures.
Chief elder
Yeh yes, yes, the macaroni pictures are coming right away. Uh, anything else you want from us, O great leader of the people?
Moses
I desire... popcorn necklaces.
Chief elder
You heard him. Get to making popcorn necklaces right away! [the elders and Scouts scatter] All you need is some popcorn, and a needle and thread. [Kenny finishes his sculpture, which is of himself, as the last few Scouts leave. He then offers it and leaves it on the pile]
Moses
Hold! [Kenny stops in his tracks as Kyle looks on. Kenny looks at Moses] There is... an impurity.
Garth
[still behind the tree] Oh no, he's on to me, Haman.
Chief elder
[the Scouts gasp and Kenny droops] An impurity, Moses?
Moses
This child here is not kosher.
Kenny
(Uh-oh.) [Garth looks, curious. Kyle rushes to Kenny's side, and the Scouts move in on them] (Help me, Kyle! What are we gonna do?)
Kyle
Don't worry. I know what to do.
Chief elder
Scout Broflovski, have you defiled Jew Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?! [the Scouts grow angry]
Kyle
Elder, It's not my fault. He told me he was Jewish.
Kenny
(What?!) [the Elders and Scouts approach Kyle and Kenny closer]
Campfire. Some time later...
Chief elder
A non-Jew has infiltrated Jew Scouts and looked upon the face of Moses! He must be dealt with!
Kenny
(I'm telling you, it's Kyle you want. He's the one who tried to get me in here, and you know it.)
Chief elder
You are banished from here. You must leave before the great eating of carrot cake.
Kenny
(What?!)
Kyle
He doesn't get cake?
Moses
No cake for the impurity.
Chief elder
Go now. You do not belong here. [points to the woods. Kenny comes out of the middle of the group and walks towards the woods. Kyle is sad for him. Kenny looks back, then faces forward and walks on]
Moses
[spins around and around] Aaggghhh! [the others turn to see what's happening]
Elder Garth
[prostrated, with conch in hand] Infatu camdavid. David hakum ba'ikan shtud!
Chief elder
Elder, what are you doing?!
Elder Garth
[now standing with hands outstretched] Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht!
Elder Harris
He's reading from the Book of Haman!
Elder Garth
Enter the conch shell, Moses! [thrusts the shell forward]
Moses
[spins and shrinks to fit in the shell] Eo! Eh! Diu! [disappears into the shell]
Elder Garth
And there you shall stay, trapped for all eternity!
Chief elder
Elder, what have you done?
Elder Garth
I told you, the meteor shower is the time of Haman! I am running Jewbilee now!
Elder
[from Orientation] Release Moses, now!
Elder Garth
[pulls out a gun] I don't think so. [all gasp]
Scout
When do we get to eat carrot cake?
Elder Garth
Now... All of you into that building, or I shoot you where you stand!
Chief Elder
Elder, you cannot mean--
Elder Garth
Move! [drives them towards the building. Kenny peeks out from behind a tree. Garth follows the last of the Scouts to the door, closes it, and padlocks it. He descends the steps and heads for the campfire as the others look on through the window, frightened] Now! Now, Haman, your time has come!
Kyle
Dude, what the hell is going on?!
Chief elder
If he summons Haman, we will all be destroyed.
Kenny
(Oh no!)
Woods. The Squirts still march
Squirt leader
We are Jew Squirts, we know Jewish
Stick stick smiley smiley Stick stick smiley smiley
dur dur dur dur dur--

Hold it, Squirts! This is where we'll set our trap. Everyone remember your squadron. Alpha-5 and Gamma-7 will be on recon teams. Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of sector three. Once we're in position, I want constant contact between all squad leaders. We'll flush him out and we'll attack him! [the bear comes up silently and snatches another Squirt]
Squirt
Agh! Agghh! [the bear rushes away]
Squirt leader
[not missing a beat] Remember, this is only a bear. All we have to do is stick together, and we can spend the rest of the night making bear sandwiches! [turns and counts his troop] Where's Zigmal?
Ike
No.
Squirt leader
God-damnit! You stupid god-damned son of a bear, you've taken your last Squirt! Do you hear me?!
Campfire. Elder Garth is kneeling before it, summoning Haman.
Elder Garth
And the Ancient One looked upon Haman as the new leader of the people! [clouds roll in and the winds whip Elder Garth's hair around] And it was the night that stars flew around the sky! [the meteor shower goes by] Yes! Yess!!
Chief elder
If he summons Haman, it will be the end of everything we hold dear.
Scout
I wanna go home.
The road. Kenny walks along the curb, then sees reflections of headlights in front of him. He turns to see a car coming and tries to stop it
Kenny
(Stop!) [a red car speeds by. Kenny watches it leave, then hears more vehicles coming] (Officer Barbrady, I really need to talk to you!) [Barbrady and the ATF speed by as well] (Shit!)
The woods. The Squirt leader takes the Squirts back to camp.
Squirt leader
That bear thinks he can outsmart me! Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear get the-- [gasp] Hold! Look over there! [a figure resembling a Squirt stands alone in a clearing in front of a cliff] It's one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe he's okay. [takes the Squirts over to the figure to make sure. They arrive, only to see a straw Squirt - straw dressed in a Squirt uniform. The Squirt leader looks at the straw Squirt long and hard before deciding] It's a trap!! [jumps out of the way as a net descends and traps the rest of the Squirts. The full net rises to a high branch; the bear comes to the edge of the cliff and carries it away] Damn! Damn, damn, damn! Okay, bear, that does it! You wanna kill all the Squirts?! You can have 'em! I give up! I don't need my chutzpah badge, or Jew Scouts, or any of this crap! Forget it!
The campfire. The meteor shower continues
Elder Garth
Let the New Tide turn! Let Haman rule his people once again!
Chief elder
No! [Kenny walks into the camp again]
Elder Garth
We await your return, Haman! [Kenny stops to see Elder Garth at work] Your passage is safe from the enemies!
Kenny
[the bear finds him and carries him off] (Aghh!)
The building. The chief elder tries to burst through the door, but fails
Chief Elder
It's hopeless.
Elder
Haman will be summoned and we will be forced to obey him, or die. [the Scouts are scared]
Elder Harris
Uh I'm fine with obeying.
Elder
Yeah, obeying should work out swell. [!]
Kyle
Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about Kenny. Kenny will help us.
Elder 2
How?
Kyle
Kenny will find a way.
The bear cave. The bear brings Kenny in.
Kenny
(Haaarrrrrh!) [the bear drops him off and leaves the cave] (Huh?)
Squirt
Hey, welcome to the party. [Kenny studies the scene] See this li'l bear cub? It's his birthday.
Squirt 2
Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over to play with him.
Bear cub
Mrar.
Kenny
(Aww.) [the momma bear comes and licks a Squirt's face, and the Squirt laughs] (Okay, you guys, we've gotta get back to the camp and... [indistinct chatter])
Squirt
They are? Uh oh.
Kenny
(Come on, Squirts, we gotta run! We're already god-damned late!)
Squirt
Come on, Squirts. We have to help them.
All
Yeah! [everyone, including the cub, races out of the cave]
The camp. The Squirt leader returns alone
Squirt leader
Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts! I lost all the Squirts! [no answer] Well, screw you too! I don't need your Chutzpah badge anyway! Hello? [in the building behind him, heads rise from under the window sill]
Elder Schwartz
[the chief elder] Shlomo, get us out of here!
Shlomo
[Squirt leader] What the geez? [turns and walked towards the hostages] What are you guys doing in there?
Elder Schwartz
Get the keys and unlock the door! [the Scouts jump up and down]
Schlomo
What?!
Elder Schwartz
[now points] Get the keys and unlock the door!
Schlomo
[doesn't understand what Schwartz is saying, but gives his own news] I lost the Squirts! [Elder Garth appears behind him]
Elder Schwartz
Look out!
Schlomo
Huh? [turns to face Garth]
Elder Garth
Don't move!
Schlomo
[backs up quick] Oh, Jiminy gravy, what is this??
Elder Garth
It's the summoning of Haman, fool! The awakening of a new kingdom, heeheh!
Schlomo
You can't wake Haman. What would Moses say?
Elder Garth
Moses is trapped for all eternity in the conch of blind faith!
Schlomo
[sees the shell and dives for it] Oh, no you don't! [grabs it, but Farth shoots him. The bullet grazes Schlomo's right shoulder, which he then covers with his left hand, dropping the shell] Ooowww!!
Elder Garth
Enough of this waste of time! [turns and goes back to the campfire. Once there, he reaches for the Book of Haman] Haman! The Great Summoning is done! Upon these words let your spirit come! Einich! Hos!
Elder Schwartz
It is lost.
Elder Garth
Zayak. Kareem! [Kenny comes up behind him]
Kenny
(Woohoo!) [takes off with the book]
Elder Garth
Hey, give that back! [chases Kenny into the woods. The Squirts line up before the window where the hostages await]
Elder Schwartz
It's the Squirts.
Kyle
Go, Ike!
Elder Schwartz
Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are up there.
Elder Harris
They'll never reach.
Squirt
Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation. [the Squirts hurry and climb up one on top of another to form a human pillar]
The woods. Elder Garth catches up to Kenny
Elder Garth
Give me that book! [knocks Kenny down]
Kenny
(Ow!) [gives up the book, and Garth kicks him]
Elder Garth
Haman will deal with you! [kicks him again]
Kenny
(Ow!)
The camp. The Squirts have finished the pillar, with Ike at the very top. Ike gets the key and the pillar falls apart to form two rows of four Squirts each, and Ike alone at the top of the steps. He jumps up to the padlock and unlocks it. He then removes the lock. The door opens and everyone inside pours out. Elder Harris moves out into the open
Elder Harris
Oh, no. It's too late!
Elder Garth
Ramek shtud! [lightning strikes the ground. Nearby, the bear returns and gets the conch shell. She moves away, only to take it to Kenny, who receives it. The bear growls and leaves. Meteors continue to shower down as a black cloud with a pair of red eyes appears among the gathering clouds]
Kyle
What is that?
Elder Schwartz
It is Haman.
Elder Garth
Yes! Yes! [Kenny tries to break the conch shell open on a rock, then against the tree, but it doesn't break]
Haman
Free! Free to punish those that imprisoned me!
Elder Garth
[now prostrate before Haman] Haman! It's me, Garth! I freed you!
Kyle
Look! [Kenny comes into the clearing and throws the shell against the snow several times.]
Kenny
(It's okay, I'll use my head!) [faces the shell and throws his head back]
Kyle
Kenny! Noooooo!
Kenny
(Heeeeeyah! Ugh--!) [the headbutt opened the shell alright, but Kenny falls back on his side as Moses comes out of the broken shell]
Haman
Moses! Nooo!
Elder Garth
Nooo! Eheh. Nooo! [Moses rises into the sky, absorbs Haman, and reclaims his place above the campfire. Elder Garth turns to face him again] Moses. Uh I, I apologize for any inconvenience, eheh. Uh yuh you see, I was just uh--
Moses
Die! [lightning comes out of both his eyes and nukes Garth until Garth explodes]
Elder Garth
No! Aaagghhh! Ooww..! [poof]
All
[gathering] Hooray!
Kyle
Kenny! [runs to Kenny, who now lies in a pool of blood. The others follow]
Elder Harris
That blow to his head must have killed him.
Elder Carn
He saved us. He saved all the Jews.
Kyle
You know, I think we all learned something today. It's fine to have your own beliefs and your own traditions, but as soon as you start excluding people from your ways, only because of their race, you become separatists. And being a separatist sucks ass.
Elder Harris
We've learned a lot from you and your great friend, Kenny.
Moses
[joins them next to Kenny] Every year we shall gather here in this special place and bring Kenny tidings of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.
Elder Harris
Yes.
Moses
And those little shaker things where... you put beans inside of paper plates that are glued together.
Elder Harris
Paper-plate bean shakers.
Moses
And let us put patterns of glue on the outside of those paper plates so we can then pour glitter on them so they can look nice and sparkly.
Elder Schwartz
You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!
End of Jewbilee


  309: "Jewbilee" edit
Story Elements

Kyle BroflovskiIke BroflovskiKenny McCormickMosesGarthHamanJew Scouts

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.