Jakovasaurs/Script

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The official script for "Jakovasaurs" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Jakovasaurs

	The boys are camping near Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire and are roasting marshmallows. Cartman plays a harmonica.
Cartman	You guys, listen to this song I just wrote. It's called, "I Hate You Guys": [plays four notes before each line] I hate you guys. You guys are assholes. Specially Kenny. [the other three glare at him] I hate him the most.
Cartman	Okay now, let's try one all together: I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words. Specially Kenny.
Kyle	This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen. ["Hey you guys, sing the song!"] Facing the wilderness, not having to be home until 8:30,... [Cartman gets up and walks away]
Stan	Where are you going?
Cartman	I'm going home for a minute. I have to go to the bathroom.
Kyle	Just go behind a tree.
Cartman	I have to go number two.
Stan	So? You can poo in the wilderness.
Cartman	No way, dude! What would I wipe with?
Kyle	Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen!
Cartman	Well what do I sit on?
Kyle	You just squat, stupid! [Cartman begins to lower his pants...]
Stan	Not here! Go further away!
Cartman	[moves away] God, I'm glad you guys know all these "pooping outside" rules! [he squats some distance away and begins] Urgh. Come on, now.
Kyle	Watch out for ground eels! [he, Stan and Kenny begin to laugh]
Cartman	Stop, you guys! I can't think!
Kyle	What do you have to think about?
Cartman	I have to think about... planes dropping bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve ice cream... [a dump is heard] Oh, that did it.
Stan	Sick, dude!
	In the lake, the water becomes agitated, and a bubble comes up. Cartman pulls out his harmonica and plays again
Cartman	Poopin' outside, [a rear shot] Makin' self-serve ice cream For my friends Specially Kenny. Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves? [a yellow creature peeks out between the trees. It is the one looking at Cartman's rear.]
Kenny	(Here you go.) [begins to walk to Cartman, but realizes what it's to be used for] (No way!) [goes back to roasting his marshmallow]
Cartman	[hears some rustling and zips up immediately] What the?
Creature	[running through the trees] Oohma poota!
Cartman	Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look at this!
Stan	[thinking of poo] We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!
Cartman	[urging] You guys, get over here!
Kyle	No way, dude!
Cartman	I'm serious now! [the boys walk over to the spot] Look. Over by those bushes.
Kyle	What?
Creature	Meesa scared!
Stan	I see it!
Cartman	Come on! Let's kill it! [the boys move forward]
Kyle	[steps in the poo and looks at his shoe] Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury it!
	Jimbo's lodge. This is where Huntin' and Killin'* is shot. Inside, Jimbo is watching TV and Ned, in a short kimono, looks for something.*
Announcer	Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping Network. It has a dragon on the blade. [close-up of the samurai sword] It's got a dragon painted right on the blade! You should buy the samurai sw-
Jimbo	Ned, how the hell could you lose your voice box?! [Ned tries to speak] I can't hear you, Ned. You don't have a trachea. You smoked too much and you had it removed. And then you drank too much and you lost your god-damned voice box, Ned!
Ned	[eructing] Shut... up... Jimbo.
Jimbo	Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just sicks me out.
Stan	[outside] I saw it this way!
Kyle	Over here!
Cartman	[trying to keep up] Come on, you guys!
	The boys reach the lodge.
Jimbo	[opens the door] What the hell's goin' on?!
Stan	Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal creature and it ran over that way!
Jimbo	Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned, come on! [goes in, and reappears with his gun. Ned follows him out the door] Where did it go?
Kyle	It just ran by here a second ago. [rustling is heard]
Jimbo	[cocks the shotgun] Sounds like it ran into the ostrich trap! [all move slowly around a corner] Sshh. Now keep quiet. All right. I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may get startled, so be ready. [turns it on and flashes it into the trap]
Creature	Ooba jaaga!
Jimbo	Holy Crow! I've never seen anything like it!
Creature	Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop!
Cartman	Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny.
Kyle	[annoyed] It's stupid.
Jimbo	Well, let's kill it.
Cartman	[intervening] No! No. Don't.
Jimbo	Huh?
Cartman	I like it.
Kyle	You don't like anything, Cartman! [the creature is shaking from fright, and Cartman looks at it affectionately]
Jimbo	Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor on the phone, tell her that we... hoh yeah, he can't talk. All right, never mind, I'll do it.
	South Park, the next day.
Jimbo	Yeah, it was like wrestling a Louisiana alligator, this thing. Put up one hell of a fight. [the crowd murmurs and the creature just stares out of the cage. His view is that of a fish lens]
Sheila	[walks up to it] Hello there. Who's the cute baby? Who's the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie. [three men with briefcases walk up]
FED	Mayor, we're from the Department of Interior.
Mayor	Ooh, yes. How are you?
DOI 1	[the one with black hair] Fine, just fine.
DOI 2	[the one with red hair] Fine, just fine.
DOI 3	[the one with brown hair] Fine.
Mayor	Right over here. [she shows them the creature and they stare in awe]
DOI 2	My God, McClanahan, do you believe it? [DOI 3 is just stunned]
Creature	Meesa needa Jakov. [raises its arms] Dwooooooo!
DOI 1	Mm-it's amazing.
Mayor	What?
DOI 1	Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live one has never been seen.
Mayor	Oh, neato.
DOI 2	Incredible. [turns to look at the Mayor] We know of this creature only from remains frozen in snow.
DOI 1	Do you realize what this means? We could use its DNA and have a chance of bringing the entire jakovasaur species back from extinction.
Cartman	Wow! Cool!
Ned	[eructing] Is... there... re... ward... money? [the DOI agents look at him]
Jimbo	Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!
DOI 2	This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of the animals.
Woman	Well, in that case, I think we should name it... Hope.
Woman 2	Hope.
Man	Yes, Hope.
Hope	Meesa name Junjun.
Stan	I think his name is Junjun.
Mayor	Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name!
DOI 1	Now we must find a safe place for it.
Mr. Garrison	I'll keep it at my house.
Mayor	No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it!
Junjun	Uuh?!
Mr. Garrison	What?! How dare you say that?!
Mayor	Garrison, you remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?!
Mr. Garrison	Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total s***.
Rancher	Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It ain't much, but it's heated.
DOI 1	Well, that sounds fine, just fine.
DOI 3	Fine, just fine.
DOI 2	Fine.
Mr. Garrison	Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a w***. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everyone around him raises his or her hand]* Oh, whatever!
	That night, something mysterious is happening at Stark's Pond. The water is agitated again, and another jakovasaur rises out of the water. It sees a pup tent and rushes to it. It finds a backpack next to it and searches it. The following address shows up: E. Cartman, 21208 E. Bonaza Cir., South Park, CO. But Cartman is at home looking at the House Shopping Network on TV.
Announcer	It's got a dragon painted on the blade. This is the Sumatomi sword-
Cartman	[wondering] Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom, can I get a Sumatomi sword used by the ancient Tokugawa soldiers??
Liane	[from somewhere else] I'll think about it, hon.
Cartman	Sweet. [someone knocks on the front door] Mom, somebody's at the door.
Liane	Mommy's busy, boopie-kins.
Cartman	Should I get it?
Liane	[in bed, with torch and bong in hand] Go ahead, snookums. It's probably one of your little friends.
Cartman	Okay.
Liane	[inhales, with a manly voice] Hmmm. [two men are in bed with her. One of them is her congressman, O'Reilly]
	The knocking continues.
Cartman	Okay, okay, hold your horses! God! [opens the door and screams. An angry jakovasaur glares at him. Cartman backs into the living room] Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!
Liane	That's nice, muffin.
Jakovasaur	Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh. [falls on his face and gets up] Please help me find Junjun. She has been gone since last night, and I'm worried sick.
Cartman	You mean the other jakovasaur?
Jakovasaur	What means a jakovasaur?
Cartman	You're a jakovasaur; that's what they call you.
Jakovasaur	Oh. Cool beans.
Cartman	But the other jakovasaur talked different.
Jakovasaur	That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls talk different.
Cartman	I have to call my friends over; they're never gonna believe it.
Jakovasaur	Please take me to Junjun. We're the last of our kind. There are only two of us left.
	Cartman's room. He's telling his friends what he learned.
Cartman	He's the last of his kind, you guys. There's only two of them left. [the others stay silent, looking at him]
Kyle	Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
Cartman	Will you stop with the whole "mom smoking crack" thing?! It's a old joke!
Jakovasaur	[hidden] Eric, do you have any more cookies? [Cartman turns his head aside and grins]
Stan	Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
Cartman	No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay to come in. [the closet door opens and the jakovasaur comes out]
Stan	Wow!
Cartman	Jakov, I want you to meet my friends.
Jakov	Huhello, guys. I love new friends. [trips and flies across the room, then clears his head. A rattling noise is heard]
Cartman	Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny?
Stan	[put off] No, he's annoying.
Kyle	What are we supposed to do with him?
Cartman	We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend.
Stan	Why don't we just tell our parents?
Cartman	No! Why don't you wanna to understand? We have to do this ourselves.
	The rancher's barn, that same night. The boys break into the barn with Jakov.
Stan	[softly] Sshh! Be quiet. We could get in big trouble for being here.
Jakov	[sees his mate and can't help it] Junjun!
Stan	[softly, curtly] Sh! Keep quiet, stupid!
Jakov	[rushes up to her] Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay! [she's sitting on some hay]
Kyle	[softly, curtly] Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?!
Jakov	[turns around] I am whispering! [steps on a rake, whose handle smacks him on the head] Yyeow!
Cartman	[laughing] Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov.
Jakov	[soothing his head] I am?
Stan	Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just take bunga here and go back to Stark's Pond?
Jakov	Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda nicer than Stark's Pond. [the barn doors open to show the Mayor, the rancher, and the DOI agents looking quite angry.]
Junjun	Aw, we's in big doodoo now.
Jakov	Uh oh.
	Jimbo's lodge, daytime. Ned is on the phone.
Operator	Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express, your #1 source for voice boxes. I'm Amanda. How may I help you?
Ned	[eructing] Yes... Hello..., um..., I... lost... my... voice... box…
Amanda	Excuse me?
Ned	I... lost... my... voice... box…
Amanda	[after a long pause] Excuse me?
Ned	[faster, after a pause] I... lost... my... voice... box... [Jimbo enters the room and Ned hangs up]
Jimbo	Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box! [Ned reaches for it, but Jimbo keeps it out of reach, teasing Ned] You want it? You want it? Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All right, here you go. [hands him the box] Well, try it out!
Ned	[crisply] Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what in the devil is this thing?
Jimbo	Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish model by mistake.
Ned	Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is! Did you keep the receipt, then?
Man	[barges in] You guys come quick! I've only just heard!
Jimbo	What? What is it?
Man	They've found another one! They've found another jakovasaur! [silence]
Ned	Gmmm, blimey.
	South Park Square. The Mayor stands on stage with the DOI agents and the two jakovasaurs as the townsfolk filter in. The boys stand in front of the steps on the left side of the stage.
Mayor	[on the mic] Here with more on the status of the jakovasaurs is Department of Interior guy.
DOI 1	Thank you, Mayor. [takes over] The noble jakovasaur is on the brink of extinction. And now, you, as a community, have a chance to bring them back.
Cartman	[reading his acceptance speech] "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..."
Kyle	What are you doing, fatass?!
Cartman	I'm preparing my speech for when they call me up to congratulate on me on my discovery. "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..."
DOI 1	...Hope and Jakov are the last of their kind. But with the help of the Mayor, we have implemented a plan to help them breed. We will give them a home and a fighting chance at survival.
Man	[amid much chatter] Yea for us!
Jakov	Thank you!
Mayor	And now, the little boy who first discovered the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!
Cartman	[walks to the podium and speaks] Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable distinction.
Man 2	Well, that's about it. Let's go.
Man 3	Yeah. [the crowd begins to disperse]
Cartman	You know, there's really only two seasons here in South Park: Winter, and July, heh heh heh. But, but um, seriously, South Park has always been a place of discovery for me... [finds himself all alone in the square] Ey, you sons of b******! Get back here! I'm having a god-damned distinctive honor!
	The jakovasaurs' new home. Everyone involved in finding and caring for the jakovasaurs is there.
Jakov	Wow!! It's so pretty!
DOI 1	Well, Jakov, we hope this new home "inspires" you and Hope to uh, hm, you know... [the room falls silent]
Jakov	What?
DOI 2	Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, so, maybe you two should uuh…
Jakov	What?
DOI 3	Get to some business. [make a ring with the thumb and index finger of one hand and sticks the other index finger through the ring]
Jakov	[scratches his head] What??
Kyle	They want you to have sex, God-damnit!!
Jakov	Ooohh.
Mayor	[as the rest leave the house] We'll just leave you two lovebirds alone.
Jakov	Well, all right, then. [the Mayor closes the door]
	The jakovasaurs have no idea what to do, so they don't do anything. Outside, the boys, the agents, the Mayor, the rancher, and Jimbo wait for something to happen. Sure enough, things are heard falling inside. Jakov is heard moaning and yelling as he stumbles around. Junjun runs out of the house and Jakov stands at the entrance.
Junjun	Meesa just don't wanna!
Jakov	[walking out] I don't know what to do!
DOI 1	Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is, well, you know, put your... [sees there's nothing where something should be] Hmmm. [stroke his chin] I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs mate.
DOI 2	[holds his index finger up] There is... another option.
	Mephesto's ranch. The boys, the agents, and the Mayor are present with the jakovasaurs. Jakov and Junjun are on the examination table.
Mephesto	I've managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen.
Jakov	I have seamen? Where's their boat? [imitates a fog horn] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! [Cartman laughs]
Mephesto	Yes, yes, that's... very funny, Jakov. [Jakov stops] I... will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked. [sticks a syringe into Junjun's arm and draws a blood sample. Junjun reacts immediately as Mephesto goes to his microscope]
Junjun	Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop!
Jakov	[adds his reaction] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!
Stan	God-damn!
Kyle	Shut up!!
Mephesto	Yes! Yes, I think it worked! [Jakov and Junjun stop as Mephesto turns to face the group] You are going to be parents!
DOI 3	Yeah!
DOI 2	We did it!
Jakov	Now I can be like all the other guys in South Park!
Stan	[to Kyle] Dude, do we really want another one of these things hanging around?
	The Marsh house. A football game is heard inside. Next, several men are behind or sitting on the sofa. Seated are Randy, Gerald, and Stuart, and behind are Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison. Jakov is seated next to them on a folding chair. Jakov will now know what it is to be one of the guys.
Commentator	...and Bubby Brister is having a great first quarter! Let's see what trickery he uses here. Here's the snap, and he's down-
Jakov	Thanks for inviting me to watch the game, guys!
Randy	No problem, Jakov.
Commentator	To the 40-yard line!
Men	Yea!
Jakov	Go Niners! Ni-ners!
Gerald	We're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov!
Jakov	Oooops!
Commentator	...to Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the 40, the 30,... [the men are happy]
Jakov	You guys know what? [they angrily snap their heads in his directions] This one time, I was watching this rabbit, a brown rabbit-
Commentator	He breaks another tackle, and the ball is loose!
Jakov	You guys know what... happened? It touched Junjun right in front of me.
Randy	Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to the store and get some more... pretzels?
Jakov	Sure. You got money?
Gerald	[hands him some bills] Here- here you go. And and don't go to the store down the block. The one four miles away in Fairplay has better pretzels.
Jakov	[gets up] Cool beans. [trips over the plug, knocking down the TV] Oopsie. I'll be right back. [closes the door]
Mr. Mackey	Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay.
The Others	Yup.
	The house of the jakovasaurs. The boys, the agents, Jimbo, Mephesto, the Mayor, and Sheila are all present.
DOI 1	Amazing! The gestation period was only four days.
DOI 2	At that rate, we could repopulate the jakovasaurs in just a few years.
Junjun	Doe-wooop!
DOI 1	Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna be fine, just fine.
DOI 3	Just fine.
DOI 2	Fine.
Kyle	Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing have a baby.
Cartman	If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their race will become extinct.
Kyle	Maybe their baby will be still-born, like Cartman was. [he and Stan laugh]
Cartman	Hey! I might have been still-born, but at least I got better!
DOI 2	Here we go.
Junjun	Doe-woooop!
Sheila	[gushing] Behold, the miracle of childbirth!
Junjun	Dowoop! [her water breaks and lands on everyone]
Kyle	Gross!
Junjun	Dowoop! [a baby jakovasaur is shot out and strikes the wall. It whimpers as it drops]
All	Hooray!
DOI 3	This is the first step in bringing the species back from the brink of extinction! [the baby jakovasaur gets up and moves around, growling]
Junjun	Dowoooop! Dowoop!
DOI 2	Looks like there might be a second one.
DOI 1	Wow! That would be a great start for them. [close-up of the second baby flying out of the vagina]
All	Hooray! [Junjun starts pumping babies out in all directions. The adults crouch behind the sofa for cover]
Mayor	She's a cannon! [seventeen babies end up in front of the wall. The lead agent walks up to them]
DOI 1	Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters.
Cartman	[picks up a baby and says sweetly] Aren't they cute, you guys?
Stan	[to Kyle] Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good thing.
Junjun	Huh-owhoa-o-woop! [pumps out a second set of jakovasaurs]
DOI 1	Huh?! [getting out of the way] Whoa-o-whoa!
	South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Class is now in session.
Mr. Garrison	Ho-okay, children, we have some new students joining us today. Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class. [the class is full of jakovasaur children]
Stan	Dude, it's crowded in here.
Jakovasaur boy	[sitting in front of Pip] I like school!
Jakovasaur girl	Bo-woop!
Mr. Garrison	O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to our normal lesson plan and start the day with history. [starts writing on the board] Now, does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972? [a jakovasaur kid in the front row raises his hand and waves it] Yes?
Jakovasaur boy	I don't know.
Jakovasaur girl	Bo-woop!
Mr. Garrison	O-kay, is there anyone who can answer the question?
Jakovasaur kid 1	[in front of Wendy] I can't.
Jakovasaur kid 2	Me neither.
Mr. Garrison	[angrily] Damnit, you don't raise your hand if you don't know!
Jakovasaur kid 2	Oh.
Jakovasaur kid 3	O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop!
Jakovasaur kid 4	Ooo! Fight! Fight! [he and another jakovasaur start to fight]
Jakovasaur kid 5	School, school! I like school! [the fighting escalates]
Jakovasaurs	School, school! I like school! School, school! I like school!
Kyle	Dude, this sucks ass!
Cartman	["School, school! I like school!"] I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs are so cool. ["School, school! I like school!"]
Mr. Hat	This is insane, Mr. Garrison. ["School, school! I like school!"]
Mr. Garrison	[looking defeated] It sure is, Mr. Hat. ["School, school! I like-!"]
	The bar, that night. Many of the town's adults are inside chatting away, including the Mayor.
Mayor	Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the jakovasaurs, and I want to hear you all out!
Mr. Garrison	Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom. I can't teach our kids anything!
All	Yeah!
Chef	And those jakovasaur eat three times as much as normal children! I can't keep up!
All	Yeah!
Man	Totally!
Trashman	And they're creating more trash than we can handle, too!
Man	Totally!
All	Yeah!
Man	Listen to her!
Man 2	And what about little Laura, the Williams' kid? If she doesn't get that heart-valve operation, she could die. [no one responds, so he supports himself] Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
Mayor	All right, all right. It's obvious we have to do something, but we can't just make them leave.
Jimbo	We just encourage them to find someplace better.
Mayor	But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying, and stupid. Where would they fit in?
	The house of the jakovasaurs, next day. The Mayor and others are talking to Jakov and Junjun
Jakov	Memphis?
Mayor	Yes, Memphis. [shows him a brochure of the city] You jakovasaurs would love it there.
Jakov	I don't know. I like South Park a lot. What do you think, honey?
Junjun	G'ooh-woo-ooop!
Jakov	Yeah.
Mayor	But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in Memphis. Right? [several people respond with "Yeah" and "Memphis"]
Jakov	Okay, we'll move to Memphis!
Men	Yea!
Others	Hooray! [the door opens, and the boys appear with Liane]
Cartman	[cheerfully] Hey, Jakov, how's it going?
Jakov	Great, Eric! We're moving.
Cartman	[gasps] Moving?
Jakov	Me, Jun and the family are heading to the Promised Land of Memphis.
Cartman	You... can't leave. You're my friend.
Liane	Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best.
Jimbo	Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed!
Cartman	[softly] Jakov, please don't go. [music] You make everything in South Park fun. [Jakov is touched] You brought life to this whole town. It would suck without you.
Jakov	It would?
Cartman	Yes. These people, Jakov, these people need you. I need you. Please, Jakov. Stay?
Jakov	O-kay. I like South Park best of all. We're staying!
Cartman	[exulting] Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys! [everyone else is pissed at him]
	Outside. Everyone leaves the house disappointed.
Mayor	Now what do we do?
DOI 1	Don't worry, We've come up with a plan.
Mayor	You have?
DOI 1	Yes. We're leaving.
All	What??
DOI 1	We're getting the hell out of here and away from those God-damned things.
Mayor	You can't leave.
Cartman	Yes. Who would take care of them?
DOI 2	Little boy, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. [gives him a DOI badge] So now, you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
Cartman	[a bit humbly] I have authoriteh?
DOI 2	That's right. And people must respect it.
Cartman	[fitting into the role] Well, that should be fine, just fine. [the agents climb into their van]
DOI 2	Fine, just fine.
Cartman	Fine.
Stan	Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman with authoritah!
DOI 2	Bye-bye, now. [closes the door, and the van speeds away. Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]
	The Jakovasaurs' house, later that week.
Announcer	And now back to... Jakovasaurs! on Comedy Central. ["Jakovasaurs" appears on screen. Then, Junjun appears in the living room with some of her children.]
Jakov	[enters wearing a fedora and carrying a briefcase] Hi, honey! I'm home! [trips over the welcome mat and crashes into the sofa. Canned laughter is heard] Wooooo! [gets up, rubbing his head] Boy, it was rough at work today. I've never seen so much coffee.
Junjun	Booo-wooop?
Jakov	No, in the boss's lap. [more laughter]
Boy	Hello, dad.
Jakov	Hello, son. How was your day?
Boy	Oh, not so good. Something really strange happened.
Jakov	What? You mean MTV played a video that wasn't Will Smith? [more laughter]
Boy	Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and a bag came to the door. He just left this li'l piece of paper with a stamp on it. [brings out the letter]
Jakov	That's called a mailman. He takes care of mail.
Boy	Oh! He took care of mom, too. [more laughter]
Jakov	You're a nut! Let me see that letter. [opens it and reads the letter] It's from a game show. The Mayor has invited me to compete. [the front door opens]
Cartman	Hi, Jakov. [applause] What the hell is that? [laughter] Who's laughing?
Jakov	Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete on a game show in South Park! Big prizes, an all-expense paid vacation-
Cartman	Wow, that's cool. I can help you get ready. [he and Jakov start walking]
Jakov	Woo, woo! [trips over one of his kids and falls on his back. Cartman stops. Jakov gets up. He and Cartman face the camera as laughter and applause are heard, and grin.]
	While Cartman visits Jakov, the other boys are in the Mayor's office with several townsfolk. Liane is there, too.
Mayor	[anxious] Come onn, come on! [the phone rings and she snatches the receiver] Hello!
Jakov	Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow down the block from-
Mayor	Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about the game show. Congratulations! Will you do it?!
Jakov	Sure! If a free trip is involved, can my whole family go?
Mayo	[rushing] Of course! That's the point! Just be ready this afternoon at the public access building, and good luck! Hope you win!! [thrusts the receiver to arm's length]
Jakov	Cool beans!! [the Mayor hangs up]
Mayor	We've got 'em! All right. The boys here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted. Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready?
All	Break!
	South Park Public Access. The Mayor is hosting her own game show this afternoon. To her right is Jakov, to her left Officer Barbrady. Jakovasaurs cheer in the first two rows in the studio audience. Jimbo approaches Ned.
Jimbo	Hey, Ned! A package came for you today from Voice Box Express.
Ned	[eructing] Oh... boy..., oh... boy.
Mayor	[whispering in Barbrady's ear] Now remember, Barbrady, all you have to do is lose!
Barbrady	Right.
Mayor	[goes back to her mark] Okay. Let's quiet down, people and jakovasaurs! [turns on the mic] Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an all-expense paid trip for himself and fifty of his closest relatives to lovely France! [the jakovasaurs hoot and holler] And, all one of you lucky contestants has to do is answer only one of these questions! Are you ready, players?
Barbrady	Ready.
Jakov	Ready.
Mayor	Okay. Hands on your buzzers.
Jakov	[bzt] Forty-seven! [his kids cheer wildly]
Mayor	[correcting Jakov] You have to wait until I ask the question first.
Jakov	Sor-ry!
Mayor	That's okay. Hands on buzzers.
Jakov	[bzt] Turkey sandwich!
Barbrady	Damn, he's quick!
Jakov	[bzt] Oh. Sor-ry! [bzt]
Barbrady	No, I'm sorry. [bzzzt]
Jakov	[Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's my fault. I'm sorry.
Barbrady	[Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's all me. Uh, my bad.
Jakov	Sorry.
Barbrady	Sorry. [both buzzers stay on]
Mayor	Will somebody please unplug the God-damned buzzers?! [the buzzers stop]
Stagehand	[off camera] Got it!
Mayor	Now, can we get on with this? First question: What color is blue? [drumroll]
Barbrady	Blue? [ping. Barbrady gets the first point]
Mayor	What?
Barbrady	Uh. Blue is blue?
Jakov	Awww, did I lose?
Mayor	What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on. [whispers to Barbrady] You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
Barbrady	Where am I?
Mayor	Just don't answer any more questions, got it?
Barbrady	Okie-dokie.
Mayor	Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're playing best out of three!
	The woods. Stan and Kyle lead Cartman along. Cartman is in uniform.
Cartman	What are we doing out here, you guys? I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show.
Stan	Oh, he'll win. Don't worry.
Kyle	We just have to show you this new species because you're the Department of Interior guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears.
Cartman	Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species. [brings it out] Well, this should be fine, just fine. Just fine, fine.
Kyle	[pointing] There it is! [a shot of Kenny wearing twigs] That must be of the antelope family.
Cartman	[after some study] That's Kenny with branches on his head. [looks again] Why did you bring me all the way out here, you guys?
Stan	[huffs] Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South Park suck. You have to understand that.
Cartman	Well, what does that have to do with me being all the way out...? Wait a minute. You're distracting me! That game show is a fix! [drops his notepad and rushes back to town]
Kyle	Cartman! Wait!
Kenny	(Hey you guys, wait up for me!) [a black bear rushes down the hill, growling] (Waaah!) [the bear mauls him and tumbles away]
	South Park Public Access. The game show continues. Barbrady is ahead 7-0.
Mayor	What's two plus two, Jakov?
Jakov	I don't know!
Barbrady	Four? [ping. 8-0]
Mayor	Jakov, what is your name? [drumroll. The studio audience looks at him quite annoyed]
Barbrady	Jakov [ping. 9-0]
Mayor	Oh, screw it. Jakov wins! [raises his hand in victory]
Jakov	I do? [his kids rejoice]
Mayor	You and your entire family are going to wonderful and exotic France!
Jakov	Hooray!
Mayor	All right, everybody. Let's get them to the airport! [members of the studio audience start carrying out little jakovasaurs] Let's go, people! There's no time to lose! [two people carry Jakov out]
	South Park Airport. The jakovasaurs are being whisked into the plane as quickly as possible.
Jakov	[looking at Randy and Gerald] But what about our clothes? Shouldn't we pack first?
Randy	Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov.
Jakov	Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll send stuff from France!
Crowd	Good-bye!
Jakov	[almost trips as he turns to enter the plane] Werrr. [the crowd laughs weakly]
Cartman	[arriving and running up the stairs] Jakov!
Jimbo	Close the door! [an attendant closes the door on Cartman's face]
Cartman	[pounding] Open this door!
Liane	Eric, this is for the best.
Cartman	[facing the crowd angrily] I am Department of Interior guy, and I have authoritah! [the plane backs into the runway, then moves forward. Cartman rushes down the steps and runs alongside the plane] No! Jakov, don't go!
Jakov	[from his window] Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then! [the plane takes off. Cartman can only watch as the plane disappears in the horizon]
Cartman	[resigned] Come... back. [the crowd begins to surround him.]
Liane	[reaching out] Eric, it's important for you to understand-.
Cartman	Don't, mother! Just, don't.
Mayor	[on one knee] I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned something today. You see, animal species come and go. It's all a part of natural evolution.
Jimbo	The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered. Because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical.
Ned	[with a much better voice box] We can't go around saving every form of life, any more than we can kill them all. We have to let nature run its course. [silence]
Jimbo	Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks!
Ned	I know. I'm still trying to find my old one.
Mayor	Well, then. What say we all go get some ice cream!
Crowd	Hooray!
Cartman	No. That's okay. I'll see you guys. [slowly walks away]
Kyle	Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so much about something.
Stan	Yeah. I guess he finally found something that's as annoying as he is.
	The Café Grenouille in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower in in the background. An accordionist plays.
Waiter	Bonjour.
Woman	[blonde wearing stylish shades] Bonjour.
Waiter	Café?
Woman	Oui. [a bus pulls up and drops off passengers, then pulls away]
Jakov	[with his family] Come on, kids! Let's go find some pyramids! [crashes into a table and ends up in its umbrella on the ground] Woops! Aaaah! [The accordionist stops and everyone stares at Jakov. Then they start laughing]
Man	[one of two in suits] C'est drôle et amusant (That was SO FUNNY!!) [chuckles]
Accordionist	(I love its antics!!!)
Blonde	Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's just like Jerry Lewis!!!) [the laughter continues]
End of Jakovasaurs

305: "Jakovasaurs"

edit

Story Elements

Stark's Pond • Jakovasaur • France • "I Hate You Guys"

Media

Images • Script • Extras • Watch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season