Heading North/Script

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Script

"Unplanned Parenthood/Script"

"Heading North/Script"

"O Canada (Quest)/Script"

Cast[]

Script[]

Heading North

	The New Kid returns to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep, and passes a note to Kyle
Kyle	What's this? Council, gather around!
	The rest of the boys does so
Kyle	This must be something the New Kid needs our help with.
Stan	[takes the note from Kyle and reads out loud] Cinq femmes ont subi un avortement... what language is that?
Cartman	It's some kind of strange Orcish. I've seen this language before. In the kingdom to the north.
Butters	Oooh, the kingdom to the north.
Stan	Whatever is written on these documents, is somehow the key to us recruiting the girls to our army. Is that what you're trying to tell us, New Kid?
	Silence from the New Kid as usual.
Bard	Come on, s-s-spit it out.
Cartman	[walks over to a toy box] Getting that document translated isn't going to be easy. [takes out a passport and returns] To breach the kingdom to the north, you will have to assume another identity. [passes the passport to the New Kid] Your name is no longer Commander Douchebag. It is now "Larry Bobinski" from Cleveland.
	The New Kid glances through the passport
Kyle	The quickest way to the kingdom to the north is through the Lost Forest. Head north, then north again, north, a-and then north.
	Cutscene ends. Everyone returns to their posts
Stan	You better get a real passport photo first, or you won't make it past border control.
	The New Kid travels to the Photo Dojo to get a passport photo. Once inside, the New Kid approaches the cameraman at the front desk.
Cameraman	Hi, here to get your passport photo taken? Just head on into the room there and we'll get started.
	The New Kid enters a room to the right, with the cameraman following suit
Cameraman	Step between the lights, please.
	The New Kid takes position against the green background and faces the camera
Cameraman	That's great. Ok, smile! Um, do you have anything else you can wear? Could you try something else on?
	If the New Kid chooses to leave his clothes as it is.
Cameraman	Yeah... it's just... it's just not working. Let's try that other outfit.
	The New Kid changes to his regular outfit
Cameraman	Uh, no. Tell you what, how about just no shirt at all, let's try that.
	If the New Kid chooses to leave his clothes as it is.
Cameraman	Nope, with this light we are just gonna need you to lose that shirt.
Cameraman	I'm just not feeling that shirt.
	The New Kid takes off his shirt
Cameraman	Yeah, that's gonna work better. Here we go! Aw! Those pants don't work the lighting. Could you just roll up your pants, or, you know what, just take... take the pants off too.
	If the New Kid chooses to leave his clothes as it is.
Cameraman	Those pants just aren't working for me.
Cameraman	If you want a passport you are gonna have to lose the pants, pal.
	The New Kid takes off his pants
Cameraman	Okay, that's good, really nice. [takes a few shots] Yes, very nice. How about we lose the underwear?
	Just then, another cameraman pops out from the stack of boxes behind, appearing injured.
Real cameraman	You sick son of a b****! Stop him!
Cameraman	You'll never take me alive!
	The New Kid goes into combat against the pedophile cameraman
	When the pedophile cameraman is defeated
Cameraman	Tell me wife, I wasn't that into her.
	The real cameraman takes his place behind the camera
Real cameraman	Wow! Good job, kid! You're quite the fighter. All right, let's get this over with, say cheese! [takes a shot, pulls out a passport-sized photo right after, then passes it to the New Kid] Congrats, kid. You have your first passport.
	The New Kid now makes his way to the kingdom to the north, also known as Canada. After walking through the Lost Forest, the New Kid approaches the border, a small post manned by a border guard.
Guard	No. You see? No matter which way you go, I block you.
Guard	What, you think we just let anybody into Canada?
	If the New Kid speaks to the guard without a passport on hand.
Guard	Halt! This is as far as you go, buddy! Ahead of you lies the great kingdom of Canada! It is accessible only to the most noble and valiant of people! Oh no, you don't! I can see that you are not Canadian! And there is only one way a non-Canadian can ever hope to enter the gates of our country. You must go back to your land and return here with... a passport.
	The New Kid speaks to the guard with a passport on hand.
Guard	Ah, I see you have a passport! All right, hand it over. [takes the passport and inspects, returning when done] Papers appear to be in order. Very well, I hereby grant thee access to the great nation of Canada! Open the gate!
	Nothing happens. The guard realizes that he would have to "open the gate" himself
Guard	Oh, I'll do it. Hold on. [operates the barrier open] There you go.
	Once through the border, the scenery changes into an 8-bit rendition. The screen shows "Welcome to Canada" complimented by Canada's national flag, and the national anthem "O Canada". The New Kid heads over to the royal palace in Ottawa and finds the Prince and Princess of Canada on their thrones
Prince of Canada	Well, well, what have we here? A hero from the south? Not just anyone can pass the guard at the great border. You must have beaten the odds and obtained... a passport. I am the Prince of Canada and this is my lovely wife.
	The princess takes a queef.
Prince of Canada	How can I help you?
	The New Kid passes the note from the girls to the Prince
Prince of Canada	What's this? [takes the note and tries to read it] Hmmm... sorry, but I don't what this says. I've seen this language before, but I believe it is only spoken in a specific part of Canada. [returns the note] I suggest you travel west of here and seek out the Earl of Winnipeg. He can tell you where in Canada they speak this freakish tongue.
	The princess takes another queef.
Prince of Canada	But I warn you, the wilderness of Canada is filled with dire wolves! You know what dire wolves are, right? They're like wolves, but they're dire.
End of Heading North