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Cast[]

Script[]

Going Native
South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, day. The kids are seated for lunch. At the center table are Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Tolkien, Clyde and Craig. Cartman runs in from the hallway
Cartman
FELLAS! Fellas!
Stan
What?
Cartman
You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!
Kyle
Butters? [he and Stan look puzzled] Why?
Cartman
It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!
Stan
You're talking about Butters.
Cartman
Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom! [the other boys get concerned and leave their tables to go to the restroom]
The restroom around the corner from the cafeteria. Jimmy has joined the boys. Stan bangs on the door
Stan
Butters?
Butters
Leave me alone!
Stan
Butters, come out here.
Butters
Get out of here, all of ya! [Stan turns to the other boys and shrugs]
Kyle
Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes! Now whatever your problem is, you just-
Butters
[runs out of the restroom up to Kyle and points at him] You just think you know everything, don't you Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because [walks to Stan and points him out] your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about HIS image! [runs back inside the boys room, then turns around and runs to Cartman] You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up [moves over to Jimmy], and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! [moves over to Kenny] The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in. The other boys are stunned and silent]
Cartman
Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny? [Kenny flashes an angry look]
Butters
[runs out of the restroom again and storms up to Cartman] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! [Cartman looks stunned]Well you're not gettin' the last word this time! [runs back into the boys restroom and locks himself in]
Cartman
...Wow.
Butters
[opens the door and peeks out] Double wow! [slams the door and locks it]
The principal's office, Day. Principal Victoria is talking to Butters and his parents.
Principal Victoria
I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
Stephen
Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
Butters
[In a gruff voice] I don't know, Dad, ah I was just pissed off, I guess!
Linda
Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?!
Butters
I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
Stephen
Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?!
Butters
Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick it in your ear, for cryin' out loud! [both parents look taken aback as a moment of silence follows]
Linda
[looks at Stephen] Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Stephen
Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of panua.
Principal Victoria
Eh-excuse me?
Stephen
Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.
Butters
It's not?!
Stephen
It has to do with... biology. [turns right and walks off a bit] You've... maybe noticed that Butters isn't... exactly like other kids.
Butters
Yeah?
Stephen
You probably think Butters seems somehow... different.
Butters
[normal voice] Hey yeah, all the time.
Stephen
It's because he is. [turns around and faces Principal Victoria] His mother and I... his whole family were... we're not of this place.
Principal Victoria
Ah I'm sorry, I really don't understand.
Stephen
Please, just try to understand that for our people it's a very private matter. He can't be helped by your discipline; this must be dealt with by his own kind. If it's all right with you, we'd like an extended leave for our boy. Please. It's a cultural thing.
The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda argue as Butters sits on the couch
Linda
I don't want him to go, Stephen, he's too young!
Stephen
It's our people's way, Linda, you know that better than I do!
Linda
Then we can go with him.
Stephen
You know that's not allowed!
Butters
Will somebody tell me what the frickity fookshmere is goin' on?!
Stephen
Butters, you've reached the age where you must journey to your birthplace for the ceremony of hapa noa.
Butters
Uhbu-but I'm from here.
Stephen
No. We moved here just before you started pre-school. You were born in our native land, Butters. [walks to a bookshelf and grabs a scrapbook] A distant and very secluded island world called... Hava'i.
Butters
We're from Hawaii?
Stephen
[sits on the sofa next to Butters. Linda sits to his left] Only haoles pronounce it Hawaii, Butters, but those of us from Hava'i are a very special people. We have many customs and traditions to keep our culture alive. [opens the book and points some pictures out to him] We drink chi-chi's from the coconut. We eat poke that the Safeway provides. And when we've chosen a mate, we marry at the fern grotto, as your mother and I did so... very long ago. As a Stotch, Butters, you are actually Hawaiian royalty. Your grandma and grandpa were there at the time of the King. [flips backwards a few pages and shows him a picture of Elvis Presley playing a ukulele with a picture of Diamondhead in the background.]
Butters
But what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo chick on her period?
Stephen
Not an emo chick on her period, Butters. Like a salmon needing to swim back upriver. All Hawaiians feel it. It is called "hapahui apahoha", and it means it's now your time to make your trip to our island home. You must do your walkabout to your homeland, Butters. And you must do it alone. [Linda stands up and starts crying. Stephen stands up and takes out his wallet] Take this, son. It is our Mahalo Rewards card. It will provide you with all you need. And now I must turn my back on you. [he turns his back to Butters. Linda weeps silently. Butters is speechless]
The neighborhood park, day. The boys from the table are playing basketball, and Jimmy joins in. Kenny tosses the basketball at Kyle, who makes a shot, and Cartman runs up to them from the sidewalk. Stan catches the ball
Cartman
Holy shit balls! Holy shit balls! Guess what, you guys? Holy shit balls. [the other boys gather around him]
Kyle
What?
Cartman
Butters just got on a bus with his backpack and said he's going to Hawaii.
Stan
Hawaii?
Cartman
He said he had to go back to his homeland, and then told me it was none of my business and to keep my fat mouth shut.
Kyle
Dude, what the hell? Somebody's gotta stop him.
Stan
[turns to the basket] After all the things he said to us, he can go ahead. [makes a shot at close range]
Kyle
Kenny, you're clearly his best friend. Go stop him.
Kenny
(I'm not his best friend.)
Cartman
Yeah, Mr. Perfect, go rescue Butters so he can lick your balls some more. [Kenny sighs and walks away with his head down.]
The airport, day. Kenny arrives and walks into the Alpha Air terminal. He sees Butters seated on a seat in an empty row, with two suitcases at his feet. He's sobbing. Kenny looks somehwat worried and walks over
Kenny
(Butters, come on.)
Butters
They won't let me on the plane. Why, I can't do anything right! [Kenny takes one suitcase and Butters' right hand, Butters takes the other suitcase, and Kenny attempts to lead Butters out. Suddenly Butters stops and yanks his hand away] No, no! I have to go to Hawaii, Kenny! I have no idea what's waiting there for me, but I guh, I can't go on like this! [Kenny sighs, then takes Butters to the teller]
Kenny
(Excuse me, he needs to go to Hawaii.)
Teller
I already told him, I can't allow anyone on the aircraft who appears to be intoxicated.
Butters
I'm not intoxicated, you skank! I'm just "deligerent" because of my hapanuanalua!
Kenny
(Please, could you just let him on the plane? It's really important. Please?)
Teller
Tell you what: there's plenty of points on his Mahalo Rewards card. If you wanna fly with him, I can let him go.
Kenny
(Me?)
Butters
Can't you see I'm in horrible pain?! Do you have any idea what-?!
Kenny
[puts his hand over Butters mouth to shut him up] (Okay, okay! I'll go.) [scene cuts to the plane flying towards Hawaii]
Lihu'e Airport, Kaua'i, Runway B-5. The plane lands and Butters and Kenny enter the terminal. Butters has picked up his bags
Butters
[slowly, as he looks around] Well, we're here. Now what do I do? [Kenny points to the information officer nearby, and they walk to him]
Officer
Can I help you with anything?
Butters
Uh yeah, I uh, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go?
Officer
Okay, were you with a cruise ship or land tour group?
Butters
Oh, ah, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native Hawaiian. [the officer just looks at him. A group of Americans approaches him]
Blond man
Butters Stotch?
Butters
Yeah?
Blond man
Welcome home, young keiki. Your parents said you would be coming for your ceremony. [notices Kenny] Ah- uh, who's this?
Butters
Oh thi-this is my friend, Kenny.
Older woman
Butters, native Hawaiians don't really approve of haoles coming to their ceremonies.
Butters
Oh please, i-if it weren't for him I couldn't have come.
Blond man
Very well, we shall speak with the chief of our island and see. Come now. [everyone leaves]
En route to the chief, day. They go down the road, all packed into an SUV.
Butters
You folks are all native Hawaiians too?
Older man
[driving] Yes. My wife Patty and I have been coming to Kaua'i for almost five years, and Bill and Donna actually own a time share in Poipu.
Donna
Yes, but Poipu is getting pretty overrun with tourists, I'm afraid.
Blond man
[leans to the right, behind the older man] Let us eat.
Older man
Oh yea, let us eat. [they stop at Kuwahara Saimin's drive-through] Aloha, five order of saimin, please.
Butters
What's "saimin"?
Patty
It's one of the foods of our people.
Older man
Oh, I get 20% off, I'm a native. Here's my Mahalo Rewards card. [the cashier notes the card and takes the cash, the older man takes the food, and they're off.] Mahalo. [they soon find themselves behind a slow car with the passenger taking pictures of the scenery. The older man honks.] Come on, you frickin' tourist! Jesus, buy a post card! [stops and points out a building] These are the ancient ruins of our ancestors. [it's the Coco Palms, long abandoned.] They say the spirit of the king is still in there.
Blond man
You must stay away from this place. It is kapu.
Brunet man
Kapu. that means "taboo", [points to Kenny] especially to haoles! [they drive off]
Older man
Uh that there is Bubba's Burgers. [scene shows Bubba's Burgers] In Havai'i us natives say "Bubba's Bruk". [they pass by a big hotel] Here's the Sheraton, just another megahotel for the throngs of tourists. Here's where many of us natives live. The Sheraton Residences. [a gated community is shown. The Older Man flashes his Mahalo Rewards card to the guard] It's all right, we're natives. [the guard opens the gate and lets them in. They arrive at the chief's residence and step out to talk to him] Protector and Chief, I present to you the keiki, Butters Stotch.
Chief
Ah, Stephen and Linda's child. Last time I saw you, you were the size of a coconut. Who's the haole?
Kenny's room at the Residences, night. He sits by the open window with a lit candle, a pencil and a sheet of paper. He begins to write.
Kenny
My dearest friends,:I am living amongst the natives in the remote and tiny island of Kava'i. What can I tell you of this mysterious island and its people? It is a place of wonder, and yet to the outsider like me, a place of odd tradition. The people here are peaceful and joyous, and seem to care little for the rush and worry of the outside world. Their diet is mostly an odd mixture of coconut milk, pineapple juice, and vodka, which they call the chi-chi. As for Butters, he is quickly learning the ways of his ancestors, and seems to be feeling better with every passing day. He still seems quite angry at times, but luckily his ceremony will finally take place on the morrow.
As he writes, the following scenes are shown: First, the Safeway supermarket. The people greet each other with a fist, with pinky and thumb extended. Next, three kids are playing in a pool while Donna enjoys her chi-chi and the older couple sit on chaise longues in the background. Next, Kenny is at the bar order a chi-chi. Next, Butters learns how to play bocce ball. Next, Stan reads the letter to Cartman and Kyle
Stan
[reading the letter] "On the morrow"? What the fuck is wrong with Kenny?
Kenny
To wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place, and I must admit it will be with some melancholy that I will leave this island and return home. ...I saw this chick in a bikini on the beach too. She had the nicest boobs ever.

Humbly yours, Kenneth.

A luau, day. All the natives are in line for lunch before the ceremony begins. Butters stands on a platform before the chief while Kenny watches on
Chief
In the time-honored traditions of our ancestors, we honor the native Hawaiian Butters Stotch with his hapa noa. [everyone cheers and and woman slips a necklace onto his neck] The shark-tooth necklace represents your connection to our island. [a horn blower comes in with a conch shell and blows into it... badly] Now drink the chi-chi! [Patty walks over with a glass of it and gives it to Butters, who begins to drink it through a straw.]
Butters
[turns right and coughs, then] Whoa, it's like gasoline!
Chief
Drink, young keiki, and you will feel the last of your aggression melt away.
Butters
[finishes the rest of the drink, then stumbles just a little bit and smiles] Hey, uh now I do feel butter, uh better.
Chief
O spirits of ancestors, we ask that you bless this native Hawaiian with his hapa noa! We ask that you-
Blond man
[runs in] Listen! [climbs onto a table] Listen everyone! I have terrible, horrible news!
Chief
Do you realize that you are interrupting a hapa noa?
Blond man
I've just come from the front office! The Mahalo Rewards card is... [chokes]
Chief
What?! What has happened? Speak!
Blond man
The Mahalo Rewards card is being eliminated! They're trying to say our points are... are... no longer going to be accepted.
Chief
[rises from his chair and walks to his left] I knew one day it would come to this.
Patty
To what? What does this mean?
Chief
The haoles are trying to do away with us.
Resident 1
With no rewards program, there will be no distinction between who's a native to this island and who isn't!
Resident 2
Why can't you people respect our island? Why do you always want nore?!
Chief
I'm sorry keiki, your hapa noa will have to wait! For we must unite together as never before! It is time to show the haoles that this is our island! [this draws cheers from everyone]
A seaside golf course, day. A cruise ship is some distance from the shore when it blows its horn. A group of natives stand by their golf balls
Chief
[yelling at the ship] Stop ruining our island, haoles! FIRE! [the natives fire away into the ocean. Some of the golf balls land in the water, some of them reach the ship]
First Mate
What are they doing? [the passengers are being pelted with golf balls.]
Chief
[walks over to Butters and gives him a club] Take a swing! Let them know they are not welcome!
Butters
I've never done this before. [gets into position]
Chief
It's all right. Just try to tap into that anger that's inside you.
Butters
Aim... my anger! Stupid [swings successfully] Ben Affleck! [the golf ball sails through the air and enters the bridge, smashing through the window and the captain's binoculars. The first mate shrieks] Waaah! [the captain stumbles onto a controller and breaks it with sheer momentum. The ship begins to pitch back and sink. Passengers begin to tumble towards the water. Butters is dumbfounded. The ship breaks in two]
Man
Hold on! [the golf club just falls out of Butters' left hand] Hold on!
Woman
Oh I can't! I can't! I can't hold on!
Man
I love you! I love you!
Woman
No! I love you! I love you back! [the ship vanishes below the water]
Breaking News
Announcer
This is breaking news!
Anchor
An insurrection in the Hawaiian Islands has escalated to war! After sinking a cruise ship, the natives of Kauai continue to go berserk, forcing all tourists off their island.
Man 1
They just pushed us onto airplanes and said we weren't welcome anymore!
Woman 1
Then a little boy called me a skank.
Anchor
[a picture of Barack Obama appears over his shoulder] The President says he will send the Coast Guard to take the island back, though he sympathizes, being a native Hawaiian himself. [thinks about it for a second] Hm.
The ceremonial plaza, day.
Chief
Are all the tourists gone from our island?
Resident 3
All but a few who are hiding out at Duke's Restaurant. We sent Bob and Trisha Turner to smoke them out.
Resident 4
What about him?
Kenny
(What about me?)
Resident 4
He's a tourist and he knows everything! We have to kill him!
Butters
[jumps in front of Kenny to shield him] No! Kenny's my friend! He's the only kid at school I actually like, you buncha jerks!
Chief
Be careful young keiki, your anger still controls you because we were not able to finish the ceremony. Perhaps we should finish it now.
Resident 4
Finish his ceremony?! We are at war, David! I have lived on this island for ten years. Ten years! Every July and part of August! And I can tell you all that what we are about to face from the haoles is nothing short of genocide!
Resident 5
He's right, David. We can't trust any tourists.
Butters
He won't betray us! Will you, Kenny?!
Kenny
(No, I'm not going to fucking betray anybody!)
Resident 6
Then let him prove himself! Trial by opahika'a!
Chief David
He's only a child!
Resident 4
If he wants to be one of us, then he must face the challenge!
Chief David
Very well. [the horn blower, Resident 5, returns to blow the conch shell]
On the bank of a river flowing by the Residences, day. David and Butters are there with the rest of the residents in the background, and Kenny is...
Blond man
This isn't right! He's not a native! He's gonna get killed!
Butters
Kenny, be careful!
Chief David
Quiet. He must face this challenge alone. [Kenny is on a surfboard on the river using a small paddle to get somewhere]
Resident 1
By the gods! Perhaps he has the heart of a native after all!
Resident 4
He still has yet to make the turn! [Kenny reaches a buoy in the middle of the river and paddles around it, then makes his way back to the riverbank.]
Residents
Hohhh!
Resident 7
[a little tipsy from his drink] That's pretty good. [Kenny slows down, then loses his balance and falls into the river]
Kenny
(Whoops!)
Butters
Kenny!
Residents
Awwwww. [a second later they all turn away and leave. Butters stays at the riverbank.]
Resident 4
[to another Resident] I told you a haole couldn't do it!
Chief David
Did you make the turn your first try? Did any of us? [Kenny pops up behind them and floats down the river]
Resident 8
[a woman, walks up to Butters] Don't worry, Butters, your friend will find a way back to his kind. The gods will protect him. [she extends her left hand and guides him away]
Kenny looks downriver and sees a waterfall. He panics and quickly dog paddles away from it, but the current overwhelms him and he goes over. He bumps into several rocks, each bigger than the last, on his way down, head first
Smith's Tropical Paradise, day. David has assembled the residents into this building and now talks to them
Chief David
We have called for this great meeting because if we are to survive this war, all the native Hawaiian tribes must join as one!
Resident 9
We're not joining the people of the Hyatt Grand Vacations! They have no rights to call themselves natives!
Vacationer 1
Oh and you do?! Your ancestors came on an airplane six months ago! Our ancestors sailed here! On a cruise ship! Nine months ago!
Chief David
Look, if we are to fight the haoles, we have to allow all natives to stay!
Canyoner
It doesn't matter how many tribes we have, we can't win! We are but a few against the haole's military might! We may have passion, but passion does not win wars!
Chief David
Oh no? Come up here, keiki. Come on. [Butters gets on stage with David] This child sunk a cruise ship by himself! Tell them keiki. [hands the mic to Butters]
Butters
Well I don't know about the rest of ya, but I'm sick and tired of bein' pushed around all the time! I came all the way down here for my hapa noa ceremony, and I can't even have it, 'cause the fucking haoles have to ruin everything!
Resident 9
Yeah!
Vacationer 1
Screw them!
Butters
Well if you ask me, the only good haole is a dead haole! With a, with a stick up his butthole, and his wiener cut off! Rraahhhh!
Chief David
Let us make a pact with more chi-chis!
Resident 10
[goes to serve himself some more chi-chi from the barrels, but finds there isn't any] Um, we're... we're out of chi-chis.
Resident 11
Oh, right, we've closed off all the ports.
Resident 12
But they're still letting vodka through, right? Uh... they can't cut off our chi-chis.
Chief David
...Oh my God.
Downriver, day. Kenny crawls onto the riverbank, coughs, and looks up. He's across the road from Coco Palms. He stands up and walks towards it. He looks around and heads in, but first waits for a bunch of bats to fly out of the cavernous entrance. Meanwhile, offshore, the U.S. Coast Guard shows up in force to deal with the natives
Captain
This is the U.S. Coast Guard! We have instructions to take you by force, if necessary!
Chief David
[heading up a large group of natives] Ready? Fire! [the natives fire off their golf balls, but none of them have any effect on the Coast Guard]
Captain
[lowers his binoculars, then flatly] Fire. [the ships' guns fire away and decimate many of the natives]
Chief David
Arm the bocce balls! [surviving natives arm bocce balls into slingshots stretched between palm trees. One of them lands on the main ship with a heavy thud]
Captain
God damn it.
Chief David
Keep fighting! Stand your ground!
Resident 4
We can't fight without chi-chis!
Chief David
You can and you MUST!
Butters
[he has six golf balls in front of him and he hits each one towards the Coast Guard] Stupid! Greedy! Haoles! Kill! Them! All!
Kenny walks through the Coco Palms, which is dark and spooky. A voice is soon heard, and Kenny stops in his tracks. He turns and runs away, but steps onto a patch covering a hole on the floor and falls in. He recovers and looks up to see the shining ghost of Elvis Presley. He beckons Kenny to follow him, mumbling just like Kenny does.
The King
Come on, come on. [mumbles a few more things as they walk towards a door. Elvis stops and pulls a lever, and a wall rises to reveal loads of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur, all the ingredients needed for chi-chis. Elvis walks up to the doorway and motions to Kenny] You know what chi-chis are, right?
The Residences, day, on the ceremonial plaza, Chief David admits defeat
Chief David
Listen everyone, we gave it all we had. It's over. We must go down to Nowiliwili Harbor, and surrender to the American government.
Butters
[runs onto the plaza] Surrender?! No, the heck with that!
Resident 4
We can't hold out here any longer!
Butters
Well I won't do it, you hear me?! I'm not licking anybody's... testes!
Chief David
Young keiki, try to control your anger.
Butters
No! This is our home! And I'm sick of everyone who thinks they're better than me just 'cause they've got good looks, and just 'cause, even after massacring Daredevil, they happen to come back and hit a home run that everyone likes! You shouldn't be able to be good-looking and be with Jennifer Lopez and be a good director! [turns around and walks away] All right all right fine! Argo is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people that it didn't hold up, but it holds up god darn it! Ben Affleck has everything, GRAGH!
Resident 13
Everyone! Look, I say! [everyone comes to see, and it's Kenny coming back with a raft full of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur. Everyone cheers him on]
Resident 14
The haole did it!
Kenny
My dear friends of the mainland,:What adventures I have found on the tiny island of Kava'i. I have truly become one with the natives, who found new courage to fight their oppressors.
Chief David
We are not surrendering today! Go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end! [everyone cheers]
Captain
You people just don't give up, do ya?
Kenny
The American government finally gave in to the natives and had the Mahalo Rewards cards reinstated. Our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace.
Everyone cheers, even the Coast Guard captain
Kenny
With the war at an end, our Butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony. And with any help from the gods, become his old cheery self again.
The hapa noa ceremony, day. Butters will finally become a full-fledged member of his tribe
Chief David
And so it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives with their hapa noa. Take your cards, boys. [two women come up and give them their cards] Apuiloa hapnanoaha! Hapa'a'a hohaaa! [Resident 5 returns to blow the conch shell a third time.] It's finally over, young keiki. Is your anger at rest?
Butters
[he thinks for a moment] Yeah, I guess so. Except it still doesn't change the fact that Ben Affleck gets to be handsome, talented, and then gets to go home and kiss Jennifer Lopez.
Resident 15
Ben Affleck isn't with Jennifer Lopez anymore, he's married to Jennifer Garner.
Residents
Yeah, it's true, uh huh.
Butters
What? Really? But I thought I was totally jealous of him. He's just married to Jennifer Garner? Oh my God, I feel so much better. [smiles with relief]
Kenny
(You do?)
Butters
Yeah, ogh, I like that Ben Affleck guy. He's a good filmmaker. Come on, Kenny, I guess I owe the kids at school an apology. [he and Kenny walk off into the sunset] Did you see Argo, Kenny? It's a pretty good movie. Ben Affleck has a lot goin' for him. Not everything, but a lot. Whoopie!
End of Going Native


  1611: "Going Native" edit
Story Elements

HawaiiElvis PresleyChi ChiUnited States Coast GuardParadise BarCoco Palms Resort

Media

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Release

South Park: The Complete Sixteenth Season

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