Gluten Free Ebola/Script

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Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Clyde Donovan
• Craig Tucker
• Jimmy Valmer
• Token Black
• Wendy Testaburger
• Scott Malkinson
• Coach
• Mr. Adler
• Mr. Garrison
• Mr. Mackey
• Woman
• Pricipal Victoria
• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Shelly Marsh
• Stephen Stotch
• Agent
• Aunt Jemima
• Blond
• WSPIC DJ
• Farmer
• FDA Agent 1
• Jamie (voice only)
• Jeff White
• John Garner
• Mark (voice only)
• Michael Taylor, FDA
• Researcher
• Tom Vilsack
• Programmers (1,2,3,4,5)
• Soldiers (1,2)
• Workers (1,2)

Script

	[South Park Elementary, day. The boys are indeed back at school, their crowdfunding venture having fizzled on the fires of an offensive trademark. Students head to their classrooms. The main four come in looking bright and ready to go]
Kyle:	Hey guys!
Stan:	Morning!
Cartman:	How's it going, everybody?
Kyle:	Sup, Jason? [Jason turns and walks away angrily]
Cartman:	Hey dude. Sup? [they encounter Token, Craig, and Jimmy.]
Craig:	What are you guys doing here?
Cartman:	What do you mean? We're just... going to school.
Jimmy:	I thought you guys said you didn't need school.
Token:	Yeah, you said you had a startup company and that school was for douchebags.
Kyle:	Oh! Tha-oh, yeah, the the startup company thing didn't really work out.
Craig:	But you told us all to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman:	Ogh! Noo, noo, you guys, guys, what what we said was-
Craig:	[keeps pressing] You told us your company was gonna make $10 million, and the rest of us could go fuck ourselves.
Kyle:	We were- trying to be funny.
Jimmy:	Yeah well, no one's laughing, Kyle. [Token, Craig and Jimmy split up, then everyone else goes their separate ways. Moments later, Wendy is shown at her locker]
Stan:	[walks up] Hey Wendy.
Wendy:	You're... back?
Stan:	Yeah, the startup company thing didn't work out.
Wendy:	[sarcastic] Oh wow, I'm shocked.
Stan:	So hey, I was gonna see if you still wanted to see that stupid Maze Runner movie.
Wendy:	You broke up with me, Stan! You said you had to be "free to chase your dreams".
Stan:	Wendy, I thought my life was going in a different direction and I just felt that I, I really had to give it everything I had, you know. I had I had to focus on one thing.
Wendy:	Is that why you told Clyde that you broke up with me? Because you're about to be [does air quotes] "dripping in bitches"?!
Stan:	Huh? Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says? [Wendy closes her locker and faces him]
Wendy:	I'm happy, Stan. I'm happy I know who you really are now. You're someone who can't be counted on! You're someone who can just bail on the people you love! [turns around and walks away]
	[The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman looks around]
Cartman:	Dude, people are pissed off at us.
Kenny:	(Yeah, it's fucking crazy!)
Kyle:	Doesn't anyone understand the significance of "I'm sorry" anymore?
Cartman:	Yeah! Well said, Kyle! Good point! What, what happened to the significance?
Kyle:	Well, I guess let's just be thankful we're not Butters. They won't even let him come back to school.
	[Faculty room]
Pricipal Victoria:	All right everyone, thanks for coming. As you know, we urgently need to discuss the matter of Butters Stotch, who set fire to the school gymnasium and is now asking to come back. Are we all set to start?
Woman:	Almost. We're just waiting on Mr. Mackey. Again.
Mr. Adler:	Awww, do we need Mackey here?
Mr. Garrison:	Yeah, all he's gonna talk about is how he's gluten-free now and feels sooo fuckin' amazing.
Principal Victoria:	Well, you have to admit he does look a little better.
Mr. Adler:	He doesn't look any different to me.
Principal Victoria:	In the cheeks, you don't think he looks a little fuller?
Mr. Garrison:	It's just the new diet fad! [a door opens]
Mr. Mackey:	Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and get my own breakfast because I figured y'all would be having doughnuts, but I'm actually gluten-free, so I can't have doughnuts, m'kay?
Principal Victoria:	Yes, Mr. Mackey, we're all aware that you're gluten-free now.
Mr. Mackey:	I'm just sayin' that I personally feel sooo fuckin' amazing
Mr. Garrison:	[exasperated, face in his hands] Can we discuss the gymnasium and get out of here, please?
Principal Victoria:	Right, so the issue, as you all know, is that Butters set fire to the gymnasium last week and ran away laughing and flipping everyone off.
Mr. Mackey:	That's probably gluten, m'kay?
Coach:	Oh, God!
Mr. Mackey:	Gluten causes sluggishness, irritability, and nearly all behavioral problems,
Mr. Garrison:	I seriously cannot take hearing about gluten anymore.
Mr. Mackey:	See, that's probably the gluten talkin', uhkay? If you cut out gluten, you don't ever get pissed off.
Principal Victoria:	[surprized and interested] Really? Mwell I might just give this gluten-free thing a try. How does it work?
Mr. Garrison:	Oh, no, don't try- oh God, here we go.
	[The school gym, day. Gutted by the fire, but not condemned. The fourth graders are inside during their PE period. The girls jump rope, the boys try to make baskets through a badly damaged hoop. Other boys toss basketballs at each other, while Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit on the burnt bleachers.]
Kyle:	I don't know what we're going to do? It's been like four hours and people still won't talk to us.
Kenny:	(Right. What the fuck is going on?)
Cartman:	You know what we gotta do, guys? [gets off the bleachers] We've gotta throw a big fuckin' party
Kenny:	(A party?!)
Cartman:	Yeah! How do you make everyone like you? You have a big party and invite everyone and then everyone thinks you're cool!
Kyle:	Dude, that would have to be like, the best party ever.
Cartman:	Well I'm down. Between the four of us we can throw the sweetest party ever, and these assholes won't even remember us being dicks to them.
Kyle:	[joins him on the floor] Hey, that might work. But it can't be a party for us.
Cartman:	Right, it's gotta be an awesome party for...
Stan:	[joins them on the floor] For someone that we love who needs us and that we refuse to bail on!
Cartman:	What?
Kyle:	No no, he's right! We've gotta make it for someone in need so that people have to go.
Cartman:	We lure people in with a cause and then hit 'em over the head with the best party ever. We're gonna have pizza and cake and a sweet band!
Kyle:	A band! Holy shit, Stan! Didn't you say your dad knows somebody who knows Lorde?
Stan:	Yeah, he said some guy at work is Lorde's uncle or something.
Cartman:	Oh my God, we've got Lorde to play live.
Kenny:	(This will be awesome!)
Cartman:	So who do we throw the party for?
Stan:	What do you mean? We have a friend who needs us right now, and we can't let him down. [Pink's "Get This Party Started" begins to play, which serves as transitional music to the next scene]
	[WSPIC 88.3, on air. The Camera pans down to the DJ]
DJ:	All right, that was "Get This Party Started" and joining me in the studio now are four local boys who are gearing up to throw the most epic party ever. Is that right, boys?
Kyle:	Yeah, it's going to be this weekend.
Cartman:	You know, we just wanted to give back to the community and show everyone a good time.
DJ:	Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct?
Cartman:	You, you know diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson.
Stan:	Yeah, and we just- you know, we, we just can't turn our back on him.
DJ:	Must be pretty special having a big party in your honor, Scott. How does it feel?
Scott:	I actually have plans this weekend.
Cartman:	"I actually have plans this weekend. I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got diabetes."
DJ:	All right, well, we've got lots of people callin' in. Caller, what's your question?
Craig:	Are you guys making this up?
Kyle:	Nope! We're gonna have all the pizza you can eat, twenty different cakes, and Lorde is going to play live!
Craig:	All the pizza we can eat?
Cartman:	Believe it, dude.
Craig:	All right, this better be good.
DJ:	All right, it's sure to be a blast. Phone lines are going craaazy!
Stan:	Sweet!
DJ:	Next caller, what's your question?
Principal Victoria:	Yes, will there be gluten-free options for people at this party?
Stan:	Excuse me?
Principal Victoria:	Well I've been gluten-free for about a day now, and I have to say I feel sooo amazing. I just want to make sure there's food for all of us.
DJ:	Mark in Fairplay, you had a comment?
Mark:	Yeah, I agree with the last caller. I was in a restaurant and ordered the gluten-free quinoa salad, and a guy right next to me was eating a sandwich. It's like "Get your second-hand gluten away from me!"
DJ:	All right, all right, next caller, you got a question for the boys?
Mr. Garrison:	Yeah, I swear, if I hear another person talking about being gluten-free I'm gonna piss in their face.
Cartman:	What the hell is gluten?
	[Park County community center, night. Most everyone in town is at the meeting tonight.]
John Garner:	Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.
Randy:	[To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?
John Garner:	People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?
Mr. Garrison:	Yes, thank you!
John Garner:	Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.
Mr. Mackey:	Then eat it!
John Garner:	Excuse me?
Mr. Mackey:	If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?
John Garner:	[looks at the gluten, then at the audience, then moves the gluten to his lips] Yeah. Alright. [sips it down] Dup, dup. [his body contorts as he groans. Everyone in the audience begins to panic. He shows signs of burning up, and his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out of there and soon launches itself.]
Mr. Mackey:	Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off. [people begin to leave the community center. The penis escapes and comes back to knock a man down]
	[Papa John's Pizza is shown. The townsfolk run right past it.]
Stephen:	[stops] Oh my God! These people don't even know! [faces the pizza joint] Hurry! You gotta go!
Mr. Garrison:	[stops as well] Oh Jesus! Hey! It isn't safe in there! [inside, two workers just stand around behind the counter] Get out of there!
Stephen:	Get out! You're not safe!
Mr. Garrison:	You gotta get out!
Stephen:	Hurry! You gotta go!
	[The Marsh kitchen. Randy opens the cupboard and pulls everything out of it. Sharon does the same at another cupboard. They're both in a panic. Shelly and Stan appear at the kitchen entrance]
Randy:	What about the Powerbars? The Powerbars?
Sharon:	Yes!
Randy:	Hamburger Helper?
Sharon:	That's all gluten!
Randy:	There's hot dog buns in that cupboard, Sharon!
Sharon:	Hey, dad, I need to talk to you about this party we're having.
Randy:	Oh my God, the WHEAT THINS!
Sharon:	It's in the Triscuits too, Randy!
Stan:	Wait, wait, ah I might need those.
Randy:	This stuff will make your dick fly off, Stan!
Sharon:	Don't forget the freezer!
Randy:	Oh God! [now clearing the freezer] Chicken nuggets - breaded! Frozen burritos - flour! Ice cream! What about ice cream?!
Sharon:	I don't know! Look at the ingredients!
Randy:	Heavy cream, sugar, chocolate syrup - no, ice cream's good for you!
Sharon:	All right, that's all of it!
Randy:	You sure? All r- all right, you got those?!
Sharon:	I can get both of these, yeah!
Randy:	All right, come on! [a loaf of whole wheat sandwich bread falls out. Moments later, Randy comes back for it, then leaves again]
	[Kyle's room, night. Kyle is working on the party's budget when his phone rings. It's Cartman]
Kyle:	Hey Cartman.
Cartman:	KYLE! IT'S ALL GONE! THEY'VE TAKEN IT ALL! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?! KYLE! KYLE!
Kyle:	Dude, calm down.
Cartman:	THERE'S NO SNACKS LEFT, KYLE! THEY TOOK ALL THE SNACKS AND THE PIZZA AND THE CAKE AND WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE A PARTY!
Kyle:	Who took all the pizza and the cake? [begins to notice flickering lights outside his window and hears an approaching crowd. All the gluten-tainted food that people have been bagging is being thrown into a bonfire] What the hell?
Cartman:	KYYYLE!
	[A wheat field outside of town. Rolling hills of wheat are shown when the start turning brown. A flamethrower begins burning the field. A man wielding the flamethrower appears walking methodically through the field]
Mr. Garrison:	Yeah! Get it! Get it all! Yeah, that's it! Burn, you bastard!
Farmer:	What are you doing to my farm?!?
Randy:	You son of a bitch! Did you not know or did you just not care?! Keeyah! [knocks him down with a right punch to the right cheek]
	[U.S.D.A. Strategic Command Center, FDA approved, day.]
Tom Vilsack:	There's panic all over the country and you're telling me you don't have any kind of containment on this thing?!
Researcher:	We're working as fast as we can, sir.
Tom Vilsack:	[sighs loudly] Are you sure it's gluten that started the reaction?
Researcher:	[they stop by a rat cage] We gave these rats an injection of concentrated whole wheat bread just a short time ago. You can see it already having a negative effect. [the rat is having an arousal it can't control. It flips over on its back and its penis wriggles out, and shoots off. The rat dies.]
Tom Vilsack:	We told people that whole wheat bread was healthy! Isn't wheat the ingredient in pasta that makes it healthy?
Researcher:	No. We believe now that that's poppycock.
Tom Vilsack:	[to everyone on the floor] All right, listen up! We have the obligation to make this thing right and to tell people what is and isn't safe to eat. We are the USDA! Without us, people would be eating dirt and... chairs. Whatever it takes, stop this crisis! [turns left and leaves. Another rat in the background loses its penis and dies.]
	[Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed with a slight cough. He blows his nose, and his door opens. the boys enter]
Kyle:	Cartman? Come on, dude. You have to get up.
Cartman:	What's the point? Everyone hates us at school and our party's gonna suck.
Stan:	We can't let our party suck.
Cartman:	What kind of epic party can you have without pizza and cake? Now all we've got is Lorde.
Kyle:	That's right, we've still got Lorde. You talked to your dad, right Stan?
Stan:	[looks down, then] I'll be back. [turns and leaves]
Cartman:	You know what I'mm gonna miss most? Pancakes. I keep having dreams of Aunt Jemima. She's trying to tell me something. But then she just fades away.
Kyle:	Cartman, we can't do this alone. You have to get up.
Cartman:	[turns to his right side] There's nothing left, you guys! The world is upside down. Things aren't gonna get better, they're gonna get worse.
	[The Marsh house. The bell rings and Randy answers it.]
Randy:	Yes?
Worker 1:	Hello, sir. We've had word of a possible gluten exposure in your home. May we come in?
Randy:	Gluten expohn... oh not here!
Worker 2:	Can we come in please?
Randy:	Wuh sure! [shows them in. They enter and their gluten meters crackle as they go around the house]
Sharon:	[coming down the stairs] What's going on? [one of the workers stops at the kitchen wastebasket and pulls out a pair of tongs. He rifles through the trash can with it and pulls out a Pabst Blue Ribbon can]
Randy:	Well that's just a beer.
Worker 1:	Oh Jesus.
Shelly:	BEER IS ALL WHEAT, DAD!!
Randy:	[to Shelly] Shuut up, [to the worker] beer is bad for you?!
Worker 2:	We're gonna need you to come with us, sir. Don't touch me.
Randy:	Look, I'm OK! Yuh, you wanna see my dick?
Worker 1:	We just need you to be in quarantine for a while until everyone figures out what's going on.
Randy:	No! Not Papa John's. [shakes his head] I don't wanna go to Papa John's! [shakes his head more violently] YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO TO PAPA JOOOHN'S!!
	[Papa John's, day. It is now Gluten Quarantine Center 1, and Randy's the newest quarantine. Outside are one of the workers and a soldier]
Randy:	How long do I have to stay here?!
Soldier:	Until the USDA gets control of the situation, sir.
Randy:	What am I supposed to eat?
Soldier:	It's okay, there's lots of toppings. Just eat the toppings. [the soldier and the worker walk away]
A Quarantine:	How'd you get exposed? [it's a blond man on the floor] Bagels? Gravy?
Randy:	Beer. I didn't know it had gluten.
Mr. Garrison:	There's always somethin'. For me it was the soy sauce. [his voice grows soft] Sneaky, sneaky soy sauce.
	[USDA headquarters, day]
Jeff:	We're trying to get a handle on just how much gluten there is out there, but... It seems impossible to contain.
Tom Vilsack:	And we have no idea how to tell people to protect themselves?
Researcher:	[approaches with an open laptop] We've been running simulations, but they're problematic because they don't relate to our current schematics. Here, look. This is what we've been recommending for the past three years. [Shown is a food tray with dish and cup on it. The dish has larger portions for veggies and grains, smaller portions for fruits and proteins, and the cup is dairy, off to the side with the smallest portion] Five basic food groups, not four. We were wrong about that. We now realize, of course, that the largest of these groups we've been recommending is basically poison [a skull and crossbones appears over the grains]. Sir, to combat the gluten, we're trying every possible combination of the four remaining food groups, but so far, no answers.
Agent:	Sir, the feds are here.
Tom Vilsack:	Oh shit!
FDA Agent 1:	Tom Vilsack?
Tom Vilsack:	Yes?
Michael Taylor:	Michael Taylor, FDA.
Tom Vilsack:	Yeah, thank you, but this is a USDA problem.
Michael Taylor:	Anything involving meat and dairy is our problem too!
	[Papa John's, day. Stan approaches the blocked entrance]
Stan:	Dad? Dad!
Randy:	[appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?
Stan:	Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you said is Lorde's uncle or something?
Randy:	I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?
Stan:	Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?
Randy:	How's your mom? Your, your sister?
Soldier 2:	[appears next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're you're gonna have to go.
Stan:	Nonono, not yet. DAD!
Randy:	That's my son, you bastard!
Soldier 2:	I'm sorry, all right?
Stan:	Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!
Randy:	Staaan!
Stan:	Let me talk to my dad! [the soldier finally hauls him away]
Randy:	Staaaaaaan!
	[Cartman's room, night. He's asleep. A nightmare comes on, and visions of fellow students pass through his dream]
Craig:	You call this a party?! Your party sucks!
Token:	Come on guys, let's go!
Jimmy:	No food at a party? And I thought I was handicapped! [the voices mount and soon he's lifted out of bed as one last kid says "What a loser" which echoes and fades away. He finds himself in bayou territory]
Aunt Jemima:	Hello, Eric. [he sees her, on a porch, with a plate of pancakes] Come on over here, sugar.
Cartman:	Aunt Jemima. [stands up and walks over]
Aunt Jemima:	There's people in trouble, Eric. They need to be shown the way.
Cartman:	I don't know the way, Aunt Jemima.
Aunt Jemima:	You need to get to the USDA, child. They're lookin' for a sign.
Cartman:	I don't even know what that means.
Aunt Jemima:	When you're stuck, look to the pyramids.
Cartman:	Are you going to eat those pancakes?
Aunt Jemima:	They've got it wrong, child! [suddenly the scenery changes to the pyramids at Giza. Her voice takes on a cosmic tone, and Cartman spins in place] The world is upside down.
Cartman:	Oooo, trippy...
Aunt Jemima:	Tell then they've got's it backwards!
Cartman:	They've got what backward? [everything vanishes into a gray field, then a golden triangle appears, then shatters. A kaleidoscope of kids appears, taunting him. Aunt Jemima's face shatters, revealing the golden triangle.]
Cartman:	[he falls through his dream, surrounded by everything that has gluten in it] Noooo... [and suddenly wakes up] Oh Ohhh, oh. Hoooh. Fuck I want pancakes.
	[Papa John's, day. establishing shot. Inside Randy sits on a cot]
Randy:	You can't just keep us in here!
Mr. Garrison:	[clanging] We're out. [holds up an empty tray] We're all out of toppings! There's nothing left to eat.
Blond:	[looks outside, then] They're just gonna let us starve to death?
Randy:	They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them. [buries his face in his hands]
Blond:	Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [stands up and walks towards the storage room]
Mr. Garrison:	There's nothing left, I told you.
Blond:	There's plenty of pizza dough.
Randy:	Are you crazy?
Blond:	I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck it's so good. [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more! ...it's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]
Randy:	Oh my God, you... [the blond stops] but... you're okay.
Blond:	You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!
Mr. Garrison:	A setup? But by who?
Randy:	Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out.
Blond:	Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can- [his penis quickly flies off and he dies]
Randy:	Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers. He and Garrison go find seats]
	[WSPIC 88.3, on air. Stan is reading an announcement]
Stan:	There's a health crisis going on, and it's spreading faster than anyone realizes. For a long time we ignored it. Thought it would only affect the poor. People who ate Eggo waffles and Pizza Pockets. But gluten can attack anyone. This is not a time to party. This is a time to get serious. We're calling on everyone to spend this weekend learning about gluten and how to protect yourself and your family. Because we don't know how much time we have.
DJ:	Well all right, time for action indeed. Let's go to the phone lines. Go ahead, caller.
Craig:	I knew you guys were going to bail on the party.
Kyle:	We're not bailing on the party, we're just think there's... more important things right now!
Craig:	Uh huh, you guys couldn't get Lorde to play, could you?
DJ:	All right, let's go to Jamie in Como. Go ahead.
Jamie:	It's like ya... ya say you're gonna throw the most epic party of the decade and then you rip it away! It's kind of like.... telling everyone to go fuck themselves!
DJ:	Oh Kansas, watch the language there. Next caller, you're on the air.
Wendy:	Why are you doing this party, Stan? Was it because you made people mad at school or... because you just wanted to be a big shot?
Stan:	I... we... we wanted to bring people together and help Scott Malkinson, but-
Wendy:	So then at a time when people really need to come together you cancel on 'em? I'm pretty sure Scott Malkinson still has diabetes.
Scott:	That is correct, yes, I do.
Wendy:	You couldn't put on the party you were hoping to put on, was that it?
Kyle:	Jesus Christ, dude.
Stan:	Wendy, there IS a health crisis right now...
Wendy:	Right, and when things change or things come up, you don't forget about everything you promised people!
Stan:	We had no idea what to serve people to eat, okay?! We're gonna look stupid!
Wendy:	Thought so. [hangs up. Stan lets his head fall on the table]
DJ:	Ohhhhhh well all right, next caller is Eric. Are you there, Eric?
Cartman:	KYYYLE!
Kyle:	Cartman?
Cartman:	KYYYLE, WHAT DOES USDA STAND FOR?! AUNT JEMINA SAID USDA HAS TO LOOK AT THE PYRAMIDS!
	[USDA headquarters, day. Everyone is in a rush.]
Tom Vilsack:	It's dinner time on the East coast in less than an hour. People are going to die!
Jeff White:	Sir! They've got a boy on the hot line who says he might know something.
Tom Vilsack:	Who is this?
Cartman:	My name isn't important. What matters is that... the answer is in the pyramid.
Tom Vilsack:	The pyramid? That's ancient stuff you're talking about. Are you sure? [to the floor] Bring up the pyramid! [a programmer gets on it. An image comes up on screen, showing four food groups in four layers inside a pyramid. Grains take the bottom, widest layer, followed by fruits and vegetables, meat and dairy, and fats and oils narrowing to a point at the top]
Cartman:	What, what is it? What is it for?
Tom Vilsack:	We built the pyramid a long time ago to illustrate how much people should eat of the four basic food groups.
Programmer:	Sir, we abandoned the pyramid when Michelle Obama got involved.
Tom Vilsack:	The pyramid down't work. We already tried it.
Cartman:	It's upside down.
Tom Vilsack:	What?
Cartman:	Sir, the pyramid is upside down.
Tom Vilsack:	Turn the pyramid upside down.
Programmer 2:	You can't be serious. That would put butter and fat at the top of the-
Tom Vilsack:	Flip the damned food pyramid!
Michael Taylor:	This is NOT FDA-approved!
Tom Vilsack:	It's dinnertime on the east coast in ten minutes! Now DO IT! [the programmers get on it]
Programmer 3:	Sir, we've got a match.
Programmer 4:	Nutrition is stabilizing!
Programmer 5:	We've got a well-balanced vaccine, sir! [everyone cheers]
Tom Vilsack:	Get the President on the phone. Tell him... to have some steak with his butter.
	[The awesome party, day. The boys came through, everyone in town is there. Mr. Garrison serves steaks with large bars of butter to Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. "We love you Scott." Photo booth, soda station]
Craig:	[with butter on a stick] Well, I gotta admit, you guys throw a pretty sweet party.
Kyle:	Hey, we'd do anything for our bros, man.
Scott:	[approaches with a plate of butter on a stick] Would you guys care for a frozen butter pop?
Kyle:	We're good, Scott. Stop bugging us. [Scott walks away]
Tom Vilsack:	We really dodged a bullet, young man. Thanks to you, America knows what to eat again.
Cartman:	Yeah well, I'm glad people aren't mad at you anymore. I know what that feels like.
Tom Vilsack:	We're gonna get a better view of the stage.
Cartman:	Yeah yeah, enjoy the party. [takes a couple of steps and notices the ghost of Aunt Jemima over a fence. He waves at her. She waves back.]
Jeff White:	Wait till my girls see that I was at a party with Lorde!
Clyde:	I'm glad the food is good. Lorde sucks.
Jimmy:	Yeah, she isn't as hot in person.
Randy:	[dressed up as Lorde] Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I am Lorde, yeah yeah yeah. Lorde, Lorde. Call me Lorde yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
Stan:	Hey Wendy, you havin' fun?
Wendy:	Yeah, sure. You guys really pulled it off.
Stan:	Yeah, well, I just couldn't sit around while my dad was locked away. I love him and he needed me.
Wendy:	You're so transparent, Stan.
Stan:	What does that mean?
Wendy:	You wanna dance? [he looks back at her, smiles, and goes to dance with her.]
Randy:	We love the city, yeah yeah yeah, 'cause I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde Lorde yeah yeah yeah.
	[End of Gluten Free Ebola.]