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− | {{TabScript|episode=Damien|code=s01e08-damien}} |
+ | {{TabScript|episode=Damien|code=s01e08-damien|nav={{SP navigation|Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo|Tom's Rhinoplasty}}}} |
{{Official Script|s=One}} |
{{Official Script|s=One}} |
||
==Cast== |
==Cast== |
||
− | * Stan Marsh |
+ | * [[Stan Marsh]] |
− | * Kyle Broflovski |
+ | * [[Kyle Broflovski]] |
− | * Eric Cartman |
+ | * [[Eric Cartman]] |
− | * Kenny McCormick |
+ | * [[Kenny McCormick]] |
− | * Damien Thorn |
+ | * [[Damien Thorn]] |
− | * Satan |
+ | * [[Satan]] |
− | * Jesus Christ |
+ | * [[Jesus Christ]] |
* Roland |
* Roland |
||
− | * Jimbo Kern |
+ | * [[Jimbo Kern]] |
− | * Ned Gerblansky |
+ | * [[Ned Gerblansky]] |
+ | * [[Father Maxi]] |
||
− | * Priest |
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+ | * [[Mr. Allen]] |
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− | * Michael Buffer |
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− | * Mr. |
+ | * [[Mr. McDonald]] |
+ | * [[Michael Buffer]] |
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− | * Clyde Donovan |
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+ | * [[Herbert Garrison|Mr. Garrison]] |
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− | * Wendy Testaburger |
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+ | * [[Clyde Donovan]] |
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− | * Bebe Stevens |
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+ | * [[Wendy Testaburger]] |
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− | * Pip Pirrup |
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− | * |
+ | * [[Red]] |
+ | * [[Bebe Stevens]] |
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− | * Liane Cartman |
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+ | * [[Pip Pirrip]] |
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+ | * [[Jerome "Chef" McElroy|Chef]] |
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+ | * [[Liane Cartman]] |
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* Don King |
* Don King |
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* Referee Mills Lane |
* Referee Mills Lane |
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Line 27: | Line 30: | ||
==Script== |
==Script== |
||
{{EpisodeScript| |
{{EpisodeScript| |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan...}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan...}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|What is this, Cartman?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|What is this, Cartman?}} |
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Line 35: | Line 38: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ''ever''.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ''ever''.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|That's right.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|That's right.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat-ass, too.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|That's ri-''aayy''.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|That's ri-''aayy''.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh, Eric. I didn't ''get'' an invitation.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh, Eric. I didn't ''get'' an invitation.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[darting over]'' Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember! |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[darting over]'' Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Pip smiles hopefully.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I shoved it up my ass!}} |
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+ | {{ScriptScene|Pip's hopes are dashed.}} |
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+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance ''you'' had of coming to ''my birthday'' party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|moves on}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde...}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|''[excitedly]'' Children, children! Today is a very special day.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|''[excitedly]'' Children, children! Today is a very special day.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eeeeeeh!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eeeeeeh!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... ''[leans down to the new kid]'' uh-uh, what's your name again?}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... ''[leans down to the new kid, Damien]'' uh-uh, what's your name again?}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien Thorn|Damien!}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>Rectus...dominus...</i></poem>}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Say 'hi' to Damien! ''[silence]'' And where are you from, Damien?}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Dark music and changing plays as Damien's eyes show flaming, crackling pupils.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Say 'hi' to Damien! ''[Silence.]'' And where are you from, Damien?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|The seventh layer of hell!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|The seventh layer of hell!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.}} |
− | {{ |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away the apple. Garrison steps aside.}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>... rectus... cheesy poofs...</i></poem>}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Your father?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Your father?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|The Prince of Darkness!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|The Prince of Darkness!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|''Wow'', we have ''royalty'' in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|''Wow'', we have ''royalty'' in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass...}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Psych! I wasn't gonna ''give'' you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder? |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Psych! I wasn't gonna ''give'' you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>Rectus... dominus...</i></poem>}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien turns to Cartman and concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps him onto the floor.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Byah. Oof!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The desk goes out the window. The class sits up.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa, dude!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>Sancti...</i></poem>}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Damn, what a freak!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Damn, what a freak!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[Getting up off the floor.]'' Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>Cheesy poofs...</i></poem>}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes? |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien blinks.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eheh. ''You got in trouble, you got in trouble.''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eheh. ''[Taunting.]'' <i>You got in trouble, you got in trouble.</i>}} |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|The cafeteria: the boys already have their lunches}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The cafeteria: The boys already have their lunches.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. Mine says '<i>Red</i> Mega Man'.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. Mine says '<i>Red</i> Mega Man'.}} |
||
Line 68: | Line 90: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah, that's weak!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah, that's weak!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Kyle crumples up the invitation and throws it away.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''Oooh''. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''Oooh''. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Oh great, Green Mega Man it is. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Oh great, Green Mega Man it is.}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Now. As you can see, Kenny, ''you'' are to get me ''Yellow'' Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Now. As you can see, Kenny, ''you'' are to get me ''Yellow'' Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien arrives.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table! |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien walks off.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two. ''[Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him]'' Eeyy!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eeyy!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damian walks over to where Pip is.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Then I will call you Pip.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Then I will call you Pip.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Right-o.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Right-o.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hey new kid!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hey new kid! ''[Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him]'' Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|That does it! Woo-paah |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|That does it! Woo-paah.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Points his index fingers at Kenny.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>... rectus... dominus...</i></poem>}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Kenny trembles for a moment, and then a moment of silence.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|What the... ?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|What the... ?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|A ''what''?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|A ''what''?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|Quack-quack.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|Quack-quack.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butt-hole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man!}} |
− | {{ |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Chef comes up behind them.}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Hello there, children.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hey, Chef.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hey, Chef.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|How's it going?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|How's it going?}} |
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{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Why bad?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Why bad?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song, <poem><i>We're all special in our own way |
+ | everybody's different, but that's okay, |
||
− | <poem><i>We're all special in our own way |
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+ | 'cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin, |
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− | Everybody's different, but that's okay |
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+ | different points of view, be tall or thin, |
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− | 'Cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin |
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+ | it doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin,</i></poem>}} |
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− | Different points of view, be tall or thin |
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+ | {{ScriptScene|A psychedelic scene appears behind him.}} |
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− | It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem><i>With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been,</i></poem>}} |
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− | |||
+ | {{ScriptScene|He stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile.}} |
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− | ''[a psychedelic scene appears behind him]'' |
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+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem><i>Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh...</i></poem>}} |
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− | |||
+ | {{ScriptScene|He floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then he's back in the cafeteria}} |
||
− | With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been |
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+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|What were we talking about again?}} |
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− | |||
− | ''[he stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile]'' |
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− | |||
− | Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh... |
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− | |||
− | ''[he floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then he's back in the cafeteria]''</i></poem> What were we talking about again?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|The ''new'' kid.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|The ''new'' kid.}} |
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+ | {{ScriptScene|Damian is standing on a table.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|''[standing on a table]'' Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all! ''[Rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... Pip's cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall poster, clocks... ]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>Rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs...</i></poem>}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Pip's cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall poster, clocks...}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker! |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|...Footballs, bunnyfish, desks, telephones, fire alarms, rifles...}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We told you, dude. ''[Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around.]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We told you, dude.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|We've got to do something, children! ''[Mr. Hankey flies by, then K. C., then a cow (think '''Twister''')]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus! ''[... rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... rectus... dominus... ]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|We've got to do something, children!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Mr. Hankey flies by, then Kevin Stoley, then a cow. (think '''Twister''')}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>... rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... rectus... dominus...</i></poem>}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan, Kyle|Jesus?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan, Kyle|Jesus?}} |
||
{{ScriptScene|The set of '''Jesus and Pals'''. Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in}} |
{{ScriptScene|The set of '''Jesus and Pals'''. Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Roland|Two minutes to air, Jesus.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Roland|Two minutes to air, Jesus.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. ''[Stan and Kyle dash in]''}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. ''[Stan and Kyle dash in.]''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Jesus, Jesus!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Jesus, Jesus!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|No no. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|Quack-quack.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|Quack-quack.}} |
||
Line 132: | Line 168: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[To Kyle.]'' Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|... K.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|... K.}} |
||
{{ScriptScene|School playground}} |
{{ScriptScene|School playground}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Groundskeeper|Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Groundskeeper|Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and the Boy with the blue cap, who is taking notes. Cartman stands next to an easel, pointing at drawings he made earlier. A boy with a blue hat joins them later}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, ''you'' were supposed to get me the Mega Power |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, ''you'' were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money...}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|A football lands in front of Damien, who sets fire to it. He then points to the slide, which catches fire and sends Red into another student as Bebe looks on.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Redhead|Aaaaa Bebe!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>Rectus... dominus... sancti...</i></poem>}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Red|Aaaaa Bebe!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Bebe|Our slide!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Bebe|Our slide!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Feel my wrath!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien sends a small fireball from his fingertip to the see-saw, setting it aflame and knocking off Kevin Stoley and Token.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|''[as Damien torches the hobby elephants]'' Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien torches the hobby elephants. A boy with a brown hat screams as fire is set to the hobby elephant he's playing on.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan! ''[torches the jungle gym. Butters screams as he falls off]''}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Pip| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|''[As Damien torches the hobby elephants.]'' Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday.}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|He torches the jungle gym. Butters screams as he falls off.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>... Rectus... cheesy poofs...</i></poem>}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Damien!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Damien!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!}} |
||
Line 150: | Line 192: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Let him come then. I shall stop him!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Let him come then. I shall stop him!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Behold! He is already upon us! ''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Behold! He is already upon us! ''[Clouds begin to conceal the sun.''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Ohh, dude!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Ohh, dude!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Another whirlwind comes up.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|What the hell's going on here? ''[a crowd gathers]''}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|What the hell's going on here?}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|A crowd begins to gather.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|Look! It's that guy from the public access show!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Blonde|What's happening?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Blonde|What's happening?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Garrison leans onto him.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Not you, dammit!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - ''right here in South Park!''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - ''right here in South Park!''}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie! |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The Crowd disperses.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|You're gonna fight Satan?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|You're gonna fight Satan?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Commercial|Who will win our souls? |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Commercial|Who will win our souls?}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|An hourglass spins on a horizontal axis.}} |
||
− | |||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Commercial|Our Savior and Lord?}} |
||
− | ''[an hourglass spins on a horizontal axis]'' |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Jesus launches a fireball into the darkness.}} |
||
− | |||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Commercial|Or the Prince of Darkness?}} |
||
− | Our Savior and Lord? |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|A red demon looms over several fleeing people.}} |
||
− | |||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Commercial|It's the final battle between Good and Evil.}} |
||
− | ''[Jesus launches a fireball into the darkness]'' |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|A black figure and a white one bump heads.}} |
||
− | |||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Commercial|And it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95.}} |
||
− | Or the Prince of Darkness? |
||
− | |||
− | ''[A red demon looms over several fleeing people]'' |
||
− | |||
− | It's the final battle between Good and Evil |
||
− | |||
− | ''[A black figure and a white one bump heads]'' |
||
− | |||
− | and it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95}} |
||
{{ScriptScene|Cartman's house. The boys have just seen the commercial}} |
{{ScriptScene|Cartman's house. The boys have just seen the commercial}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|Quack-quack.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|Quack-quack.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[To Kyle.]'' I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Cartman's birthday!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Cartman's birthday!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel.}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Well, come on. We |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Well, come on. We have to at least see the weigh-in.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!}} |
||
{{ScriptScene|Main St. A crowd is gathered for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too}} |
{{ScriptScene|Main St. A crowd is gathered for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|When is Satan gonna show up?}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The boys rush up.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Did the Devil show up yet?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Did the Devil show up yet?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Not yet.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Not yet.}} |
||
Line 197: | Line 237: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oh.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oh.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd cheers.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|You're gonna ''kick his ass'', Jesus.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|More cheering. A pillar of fire appears.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Vocie|<poem><i>Rectus... dominus...</i></poem>}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Behold. The Evil One approaches.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Behold. The Evil One approaches.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|''Yeah''. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|''Yeah''.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|He appears, and the crowd gasps at his size.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Holy poop on a stick!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Holy poop on a stick!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!}} |
||
Line 210: | Line 254: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Man in crowd|Damn.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Man in crowd|Damn.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oh yeah?? |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oh yeah??}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|A scale is brought in, and Satan is directed to stand on it.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Announcer|Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz. ''[the crowd gasps. Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on]'' Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz. ''[the crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Announcer|Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd gasps. Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Announcer|Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Ooh crap.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Ooh crap.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The clouds gather behind him. He then turns and walks away.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|''[holding his ticket up]'' Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|''[Holding his ticket up.]'' Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd breaks up.}} |
||
{{ScriptScene|The Sports Book $. Two screens are showing horse races}} |
{{ScriptScene|The Sports Book $. Two screens are showing horse races}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Man 1|Change my bet!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Man 1|Change my bet!}} |
||
Line 225: | Line 275: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Wai-wa I was here first.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Wai-wa I was here first.}} |
||
{{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Damien is in}} |
{{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Damien is in}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, m'kay?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Everybody hates me!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Everybody hates me!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?}} |
||
Line 231: | Line 281: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Because I... burn them and kill them?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Because I... burn them and kill them?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. And no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. You be passive, m'kay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like ''him'' now.}} |
− | {{ScriptScene|The playground. Bebe, |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The playground. Bebe, Kevin Stoley, Butters, and Clyde surround Pip.}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Clyde|I bet I can spit the most on him. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Clyde|I bet I can spit the most on him.}} |
− | {{ |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Spits, and it lands on Pip's left shoulder.}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Bebe|Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Spits, and it lands on his right eye.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'.}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[Sees Damien coming]'' Oh, here comes the unholy |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[Sees Damien coming.]'' Oh, here comes the unholy butt-hole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|I |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|I apologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|A sequence of blinks hints as to the boys' response. Cartman moves closer to Damien.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[farts and moves away]'' Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice! ''[Damien is angry, but restrains himself]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[Farts and moves away.]'' Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien is angry, but restrains himself.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. We're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. We're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.}} |
||
Line 249: | Line 303: | ||
{{ScriptScene|Skeeter's bar; people are having drinks. Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and enters}} |
{{ScriptScene|Skeeter's bar; people are having drinks. Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and enters}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh ooh. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh ooh.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|A woman at a nearby table whistles the same thing.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning. ''[Two men at the bar look at each other]'' In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Two men at the bar look at each other.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Yeah.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Yeah.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|''Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light!'' See ya later.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Jesus turns and walks out.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Yeah, crazy. ''[Two men that look like Bill and Fosse chortle behind him]''}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|What the hell, does he think we're all crazy?}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Yeah, crazy.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Bill Allen and Fosse McDonald's fathers chortle behind him.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. Allen|He's so gay.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Mr. McDonald|Yeah.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The two men seen earlier toast the comments, and Jesus looks in once more.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|''You're all a bunch of Judases!''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|''You're all a bunch of Judases!''}} |
||
{{ScriptScene|Outside the bar. Jesus runs into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny}} |
{{ScriptScene|Outside the bar. Jesus runs into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny}} |
||
Line 267: | Line 328: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|What are you doing out so late, kids?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|What are you doing out so late, kids?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oh. Kids, |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|Satan's press conference. At least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan's press conference. At least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Reporter 1|Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Reporter 1|Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|I will crush him like a little bug!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|I will crush him like a little bug!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Reporter 2|Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War? |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Reporter 2|Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War?}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan thinks a moment, then begins to answer, but a hand covers his mouth.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Don King|Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Don King|Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|A training room. Jesus is working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|A training room. Jesus is working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|No way, dude!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|No way, dude!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[In the ring.] ''Ah-ah-ah I ''can't''. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never ''speak'' to me again.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|But you're his sparring partner, Chef.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|But you're his sparring partner, Chef.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah, you ''have'' to hit him.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah, you ''have'' to hit him.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Give it your best sho- ''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Give it your best sho- ''[Poof.]'' Oh! ''[Falls back to the floor.]''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Anybody get the number of that truck? ''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Anybody get the number of that truck? ''[Drops his head.]''}} |
− | {{ScriptScene|Cartman's birthday party; several balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Cartman's birthday party; several balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Liane|Come on, kiddies. Eat more.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Liane|Come on, kiddies. Eat more.}} |
||
− | {{ |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Cartman is greeting children as they come in with his presents.}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef.}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Yup! Here's your present, children.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Hands Cartman his gift.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Chef|Well, uh, nice party. Uh, see ya later.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey, you just got here, Chef!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey, you just got here, Chef!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|I know, but the fight is starting.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|I know, but the fight is starting.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.}} |
||
− | {{ |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Liane turns to see what Stan said, and sees Chef.}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Liane|Mmmmm.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Mmmmm. That's ''my'' favorite ''kind'' of chili.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Mmmmm. That's ''my'' favorite ''kind'' of chili.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|On the sidewalk in front of Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|On the sidewalk in front of Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|The other kids have always hated you?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|The other kids have always hated you?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on ''me''. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on ''me''.}} |
− | {{ScriptScene| |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien gets an idea.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|South Park Forum.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Michael Buffer|In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., ''Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ! [the crowd cheers]'' And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub! ''[the crowd now cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink away]'' Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Michael Buffer|In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., ''Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!''}} |
− | {{ScriptScene| |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd cheers.}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Michael Buffer|And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd now cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink away.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Michael Buffer|Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Referee|Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The bell rings.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Cartman's birthday party. A carny does tricks. Damien enters with Pip in tow.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey! What the hell do you think ''you're'' doing here?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Hey! What the hell do you think ''you're'' doing here?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|And neither were you, Pip!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|And neither were you, Pip!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|His eyes flare up again.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|''[Small demons grab him. ... sancti... cheesy poofs... ]'' Aaaa! ''[He is launched like a rocket]'' Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee! ''[He gives off fireworks]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>Rectus... dominus...</i></poem>}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Damien taps Pip on the shoulder and the ground opens up.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Small demons grab Pip.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Ominous Voice|<poem><i>... Sancti... cheesy poofs...</i></poem>}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Aaaa!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|He is launched like a rocket.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|He gives off fireworks.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wow!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wow!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa, that was cool! |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa, that was cool!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The children, Bebe, Wendy, and Clyde among them, look up and are duly impressed. They applaud.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah. Come on in and join the party. ''[Damien is pleased]''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah. Come on in and join the party. ''[Damien is pleased]''}} |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|South Park Forum, round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left, throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross. Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|South Park Forum, round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left, throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross. Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|Come on, you little wuss, ''fight!'' Throw a punch!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Satan|Come on, you little wuss, ''fight!'' Throw a punch!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|Cartman's birthday party. He is now opening his presents}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Cartman's birthday party. He is now opening his presents.}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. ''[Stan leaves]'' And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy.''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. ''[Stan leaves.]'' And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy.''[She leaves.]'' Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... ''Ants'' In The Pants? ''Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS?! [Thumps the table in anger.]''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|It's a game, dude. It's really fun.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|It's a game, dude. It's really fun.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|YOU SON OF A BITCH! ''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|YOU SON OF A BITCH! ''[Lunges towards Kyle.]''}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[As he is pinned by Cartman.]'' Aaaaa!}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP! ''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP! ''[Slapping him around by now.]''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|They were all out of 'em dude!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|They were all out of 'em dude!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! ''DIE!!''}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! ''DIE!!''}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Aah! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[Sobbing.]'' Aaaaaaaa!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[getting up and moving towards the center of the yard]'' That's it! Party is over! ''[the kids look glum]'' Everybody go home! ''[he turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes dark, and the banner floats away]'' GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT! ''[Stan and Kyle stop]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Cartman gets up and moves toward the center of the yard.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|That's it! Party is over!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The kids look glum.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Everybody go home!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|He turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes dark, and the banner floats away.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The kids exit the backyard as Cartman announces that the party is over.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Stan and Kyle stop.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you! |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Throws it at Kyle, who is felled by it. The kids regroup in front of the house.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Damien|Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Aaanh, he does this all the time.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Aaanh, he does this all the time.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Come on, children! We can ''still'' catch the end of the fight!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Come on, children! We can ''still'' catch the end of the fight!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Pip descends from above.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|''[descending]'' Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Pip|Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty.}} |
||
{{ScriptScene|South Park Forum, a later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives him a right to the face.}} |
{{ScriptScene|South Park Forum, a later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives him a right to the face.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oh! |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oh!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Backs up helplessly.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Fight, dammit! ''[gives him another right to the face]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Fight, dammit!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oow! ''[Satan pick him up]'' Ooooooh! ''[throws him against the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a swollen left eye]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Gives him another right to the face.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[as he, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jesus' corner]'' Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! ''[the round ends]'' You've ''got'' to ''fight'', Jesus.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Oow! ''[Satan pick him up]'' Ooooooh!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan throws him against the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a swollen left eye.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jesus' corner.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! ''[The round ends.]'' You've ''got'' to ''fight'', Jesus.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on ''Satan''. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on ''Satan''. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''Some''body bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that ''one'' person still had money on you.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''Some''body bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that ''one'' person still had money on you.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. ''[Kyle looks at him]'' She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. ''[Kyle looks at him.]'' She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Uuuuh. Stan?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Uuuuh. Stan?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't ''settle'' for second-best!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't ''settle'' for second-best!}} |
||
Line 348: | Line 443: | ||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Stan!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Stan!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[Turning to Kyle.]'' What?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[Thinks a moment.]'' ... Really?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah, dude!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah, dude!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Jesus takes a ladleful of water from a pail next to him.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|... Who said that?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jesus|... Who said that?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''You'' did, Jesus. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''You'' did, Jesus.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Jesus ponders these words as he looks at Satan.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys! ''[gets up as the next round begins and fights without his halo]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|He gets up as the next round begins and fights without his halo.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Nah, I saw it on '''Star Trek'''.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Nah, I saw it on '''Star Trek'''.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hmmm.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hmmm.}} |
||
− | {{ |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan takes a couple of swings at Jesus, but Jesus ducks them.}} |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Come on, sissy. Hit me! ''Hit me!''}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Okay, pal. ''You asked'' for it! ''[The crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan just buries his head in his hands in disbelief]''}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog| |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Okay, pal. ''You asked'' for it!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan just buries his head in his hands in disbelief.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan protecting his ribs.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Ooooooh, you got me.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|He drops flat on his back.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Referee|One... Two... Three...}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Referee|One... Two... Three...}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|No way! He barely touched him!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|No way! He barely touched him!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Referee|... Seven... Eight |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Referee|... Seven... Eight.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan opens his left eye, then closes it again.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Referee|... Nine... Ten. You're out!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|The match ends, and Jesus jumps up in victory.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan, Kyle|Our Savior!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan, Kyle|Our Savior!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Michael Buffer|The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ! |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Michael Buffer|The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan pops right back up.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Yeah!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Yeah!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win? |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd wonders.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Priest|I don't believe this!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|''Me'', you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan dances out of the ring.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Father Maxi|I don't believe this!}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Yeah, what a mean thing to do!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Yeah, what a mean thing to do!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Satan|''[Now on the Forum floor.]'' Farewell, fools!}} |
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Man, that guy is a ''jerk''. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Man, that guy is a ''jerk''.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Satan dances away and Stan enters the ring.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[over the microphone]'' Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[Over the microphone.]'' Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Boy, did we get screwed.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Garrison|Boy, did we get screwed.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Aw heck. ''[ |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jesus|Aw heck. ''[Puts his halo back on.]'' Do I have a choice?}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The crowd cheers with relief.}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus! ''[Kenny is highlighted]'' Ih-it's comin' right for us! ''[pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is soon on the floor with his head blown off.]''}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Kenny is highlighted.}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Ih-it's comin' right for us!}} |
||
+ | {{ScriptScene|Jimbo pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is soon on the floor with his head blown off.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Oh my God, they killed Kenny.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Oh my God, they killed Kenny.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|You bastard!}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|You bastard!}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Rats swarm all over Kenny's head.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|You're leaving already?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|You're leaving already?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|I have to. My dad's always on the move. |
+ | {{ScriptDialog|Damien|I have to. My dad's always on the move.}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|The rats leave also.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?}} |
||
− | {{ScriptScene|Cartman's backyard. He's the only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman looks full, though}} |
+ | {{ScriptScene|Cartman's backyard. He's the only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman looks full, though.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Liane|More pie, hon?}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Liane|More pie, hon?}} |
||
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously.}} |
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously.}} |
Revision as of 06:34, 8 December 2018
"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo/Script" | "Damien/Script" | "Tom's Rhinoplasty/Script" |
- The official script for "Damien" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!
Cast
- Stan Marsh
- Kyle Broflovski
- Eric Cartman
- Kenny McCormick
- Damien Thorn
- Satan
- Jesus Christ
- Roland
- Jimbo Kern
- Ned Gerblansky
- Father Maxi
- Mr. Allen
- Mr. McDonald
- Michael Buffer
- Mr. Garrison
- Clyde Donovan
- Wendy Testaburger
- Red
- Bebe Stevens
- Pip Pirrip
- Chef
- Liane Cartman
- Don King
- Referee Mills Lane
- Groundskeeper
Script
Damien | |
Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out. | |
Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan... | |
What is this, Cartman? | |
They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend. | |
Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year? | |
Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday... | |
Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever. | |
That's right. | |
Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat-ass, too. | |
That's ri-aayy. | |
Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation. | |
[darting over] Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember! | |
Pip smiles hopefully. | |
I shoved it up my ass! | |
Pip's hopes are dashed. | |
Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap! | |
moves on | |
Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde... | |
[excitedly] Children, children! Today is a very special day. | |
No, my birthday isn't until Saturday. | |
I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today. | |
Eeeeeeh! | |
Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... [leans down to the new kid, Damien] uh-uh, what's your name again? | |
Damien! | |
Rectus...dominus... | |
Dark music and changing plays as Damien's eyes show flaming, crackling pupils. | |
Say 'hi' to Damien! [Silence.] And where are you from, Damien? | |
The seventh layer of hell! | |
Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama. | |
Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away the apple. Garrison steps aside. | |
My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father! | |
... rectus... cheesy poofs... | |
Your father? | |
The Prince of Darkness! | |
Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era. | |
Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman. | |
Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass... | |
Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party? | |
Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of... | |
Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder? | |
Rectus... dominus... | |
Damien turns to Cartman and concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps him onto the floor. | |
Byah. Oof! | |
The desk goes out the window. The class sits up. | |
Whoa, dude! | |
Sancti... | |
Damn, what a freak! | |
[Getting up off the floor.] Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk! | |
Cheesy poofs... | |
Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye. | |
Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes? | |
Damien blinks. | |
Eheh. [Taunting.] You got in trouble, you got in trouble. | |
The cafeteria: The boys already have their lunches. | |
Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'? | |
Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'. | |
Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday. | |
Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday. | |
Yeah, that's weak! | |
Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see? | |
Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want. | |
Kyle crumples up the invitation and throws it away. | |
Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then. | |
Oh great, Green Mega Man it is. | |
Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is. | |
Damien arrives. | |
Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid? | |
Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo! | |
Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden! | |
You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table! | |
Damien walks off. | |
Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two. | |
Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him. | |
Eeyy! | |
Damian walks over to where Pip is. | |
Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me. | |
Then I will call you Pip. | |
Right-o. | |
Hey new kid! | |
Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him. | |
Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog. | |
(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!) | |
That does it! Woo-paah. | |
Points his index fingers at Kenny. | |
... rectus... dominus... | |
Kenny trembles for a moment, and then a moment of silence. | |
What the... ? | |
Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus. | |
A what? | |
Quack-quack. | |
Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butt-hole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man! | |
Chef comes up behind them. | |
Hello there, children. | |
Hey, Chef. | |
How's it going? | |
Bad. | |
Why bad? | |
Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak. | |
Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song, We're all special in our own way | |
A psychedelic scene appears behind him. | |
With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been, | |
He stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile. | |
Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh... | |
He floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then he's back in the cafeteria | |
What were we talking about again? | |
The new kid. | |
Damian is standing on a table. | |
Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all! | |
Rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... | |
Pip's cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall poster, clocks... | |
Whoa! | |
Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker! | |
...Footballs, bunnyfish, desks, telephones, fire alarms, rifles... | |
We told you, dude. | |
Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around. | |
We've got to do something, children! | |
Mr. Hankey flies by, then Kevin Stoley, then a cow. (think Twister) | |
Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus! | |
... rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... rectus... dominus... | |
Jesus? | |
The set of Jesus and Pals. Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in | |
Two minutes to air, Jesus. | |
Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. [Stan and Kyle dash in.] | |
Jesus, Jesus! | |
Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show. | |
No no. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil. | |
Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny. | |
Quack-quack. | |
Wow. That's pretty heavy. | |
This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and... saying stuff aboout his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you. | |
The Dark Prince? | |
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | |
So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One. | |
[To Kyle.] Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid. | |
Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth. | |
... K. | |
School playground | |
Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards! | |
Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and the Boy with the blue cap, who is taking notes. Cartman stands next to an easel, pointing at drawings he made earlier. A boy with a blue hat joins them later | |
Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money... | |
A football lands in front of Damien, who sets fire to it. He then points to the slide, which catches fire and sends Red into another student as Bebe looks on. | |
Rectus... dominus... sancti... | |
Aaaaa Bebe! | |
Our slide! | |
Feel my wrath! | |
Damien sends a small fireball from his fingertip to the see-saw, setting it aflame and knocking off Kevin Stoley and Token. | |
Damien torches the hobby elephants. A boy with a brown hat screams as fire is set to the hobby elephant he's playing on. | |
[As Damien torches the hobby elephants.] Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday. | |
I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan! | |
He torches the jungle gym. Butters screams as he falls off. | |
Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely. | |
... Rectus... cheesy poofs... | |
Damien! | |
Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak! | |
So it is thou, Son of Lucifer! | |
Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes. | |
Let him come then. I shall stop him! | |
Behold! He is already upon us! [Clouds begin to conceal the sun. | |
Ohh, dude! | |
Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus. | |
Another whirlwind comes up. | |
What the hell's going on here? | |
A crowd begins to gather. | |
Look! It's that guy from the public access show! | |
What's happening? | |
Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you! | |
Garrison leans onto him. | |
Not you, dammit! | |
Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus. | |
Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed! | |
Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - right here in South Park! | |
Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie! | |
The Crowd disperses. | |
You're gonna fight Satan? | |
This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history. | |
Who will win our souls? | |
An hourglass spins on a horizontal axis. | |
Our Savior and Lord? | |
Jesus launches a fireball into the darkness. | |
Or the Prince of Darkness? | |
A red demon looms over several fleeing people. | |
It's the final battle between Good and Evil. | |
A black figure and a white one bump heads. | |
And it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95. | |
Cartman's house. The boys have just seen the commercial | |
Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday! | |
Quack-quack. | |
[To Kyle.] I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday? | |
Cartman's birthday! | |
We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil! | |
You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel. | |
Well, come on. We have to at least see the weigh-in. | |
Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?! | |
Main St. A crowd is gathered for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too | |
When is Satan gonna show up? | |
The boys rush up. | |
Did the Devil show up yet? | |
Not yet. | |
Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal? | |
... What the hell do you mean if I win the fight? | |
Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish. | |
Oh. | |
We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince. | |
The crowd cheers. | |
Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation. | |
You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus. | |
More cheering. A pillar of fire appears. | |
Rectus... dominus... | |
Behold. The Evil One approaches. | |
Yeah. | |
He appears, and the crowd gasps at his size. | |
Holy poop on a stick! | |
Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain! | |
Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge. | |
Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef! | |
Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits! | |
Oh - oh yeah?? | |
Damn. | |
I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee. | |
Oh yeah?? | |
A scale is brought in, and Satan is directed to stand on it. | |
Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz. | |
The crowd gasps. Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on. | |
Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz. | |
The crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment. | |
Ooh crap. | |
Aw, come on! I weigh more than that. | |
Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world. | |
The clouds gather behind him. He then turns and walks away. | |
[Holding his ticket up.] Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on. | |
Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too. | |
Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck. | |
The crowd breaks up. | |
The Sports Book $. Two screens are showing horse races | |
Change my bet! | |
I'm betting on the Devil! | |
I wanna change my bet to Satan. | |
Me, too. | |
Wai-wa I was here first. | |
South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Damien is in | |
Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, m'kay? | |
Everybody hates me! | |
Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is? | |
Because I'm the son of the Devil? | |
Uhuh. That's a good start, why else? | |
Because I... burn them and kill them? | |
Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. And no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. You be passive, m'kay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now. | |
The playground. Bebe, Kevin Stoley, Butters, and Clyde surround Pip. | |
I bet I can spit the most on him. | |
Spits, and it lands on Pip's left shoulder. | |
Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair. | |
Spits, and it lands on his right eye. | |
Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it. | |
Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'. | |
[Sees Damien coming.] Oh, here comes the unholy butt-hole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch! | |
I apologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice. | |
A sequence of blinks hints as to the boys' response. Cartman moves closer to Damien. | |
[Farts and moves away.] Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice! | |
Damien is angry, but restrains himself. | |
Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart. | |
Yeah. We're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on. | |
Bubye, Fart-boy. | |
See ya. | |
Good day, Damien. How are you? | |
Those guys farted on me, and then called me- | |
Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that anymore. | |
Skeeter's bar; people are having drinks. Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and enters | |
Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar- | |
Oh ooh. | |
A woman at a nearby table whistles the same thing. | |
I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning. | |
Two men at the bar look at each other. | |
In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me! | |
You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted! | |
Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too! | |
Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus. | |
I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win. | |
Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now! | |
Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too. | |
Yeah. | |
Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light! See ya later. | |
Jesus turns and walks out. | |
What the hell, does he think we're all crazy? | |
Yeah, crazy. | |
Bill Allen and Fosse McDonald's fathers chortle behind him. | |
He's so gay. | |
Yeah. | |
The two men seen earlier toast the comments, and Jesus looks in once more. | |
You're all a bunch of Judases! | |
Outside the bar. Jesus runs into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny | |
Hey, Jesus. | |
What are you doing out so late, kids? | |
We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party. | |
Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right? | |
Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God. | |
Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you? | |
No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little? | |
Satan's press conference. At least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present. | |
Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be? | |
I will crush him like a little bug! | |
Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War? | |
Satan thinks a moment, then begins to answer, but a hand covers his mouth. | |
Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring. | |
A training room. Jesus is working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters. | |
You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents? | |
Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs. | |
No way, dude! | |
[In the ring.] Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again. | |
But you're his sparring partner, Chef. | |
Yeah, you have to hit him. | |
Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train. | |
Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright? | |
Give it your best sho- [Poof.] Oh! [Falls back to the floor.] | |
Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?! | |
Anybody get the number of that truck? [Drops his head.] | |
Cartman's birthday party; several balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard. | |
Come on, kiddies. Eat more. | |
Cartman is greeting children as they come in with his presents. | |
Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef. | |
Yup! Here's your present, children. | |
Hands Cartman his gift. | |
Well, uh, nice party. Uh, see ya later. | |
Hey, you just got here, Chef! | |
I know, but the fight is starting. | |
Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili. | |
Liane turns to see what Stan said, and sees Chef. | |
Mmmmm. | |
Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili. | |
On the sidewalk in front of Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit. | |
I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party. | |
Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there. | |
The other kids have always hated you? | |
Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on me. | |
Damien gets an idea. | |
South Park Forum. | |
In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ! | |
The crowd cheers. | |
And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub! | |
The crowd now cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink away. | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!! | |
Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles. | |
The bell rings. | |
Cartman's birthday party. A carny does tricks. Damien enters with Pip in tow. | |
Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here? | |
Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid. | |
And neither were you, Pip! | |
Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but- | |
Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party. | |
His eyes flare up again. | |
Rectus... dominus... | |
Damien taps Pip on the shoulder and the ground opens up. | |
Small demons grab Pip. | |
... Sancti... cheesy poofs... | |
Aaaa! | |
He is launched like a rocket. | |
Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee! | |
He gives off fireworks. | |
Wow! | |
Whoa, that was cool! | |
The children, Bebe, Wendy, and Clyde among them, look up and are duly impressed. They applaud. | |
Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien. | |
Yeah. Come on in and join the party. [Damien is pleased] | |
South Park Forum, round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left, throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross. Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place. | |
Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch! | |
Cartman's birthday party. He is now opening his presents. | |
Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. [Stan leaves.] And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy.[She leaves.] Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS?! [Thumps the table in anger.] | |
It's a game, dude. It's really fun. | |
YOU SON OF A BITCH! [Lunges towards Kyle.] | |
[As he is pinned by Cartman.] Aaaaa! | |
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP! [Slapping him around by now.] | |
They were all out of 'em dude! | |
I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!! | |
Aah! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
[Sobbing.] Aaaaaaaa! | |
Cartman gets up and moves toward the center of the yard. | |
That's it! Party is over! | |
The kids look glum. | |
Everybody go home! | |
He turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes dark, and the banner floats away. | |
GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT! | |
The kids exit the backyard as Cartman announces that the party is over. | |
Stan and Kyle stop. | |
Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out! | |
Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you! | |
Throws it at Kyle, who is felled by it. The kids regroup in front of the house. | |
Wow. That kid has some emotional problems. | |
Aaanh, he does this all the time. | |
Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight! | |
Pip descends from above. | |
Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty. | |
South Park Forum, a later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives him a right to the face. | |
Oh! | |
Backs up helplessly. | |
Fight, dammit! | |
Gives him another right to the face. | |
Oow! [Satan pick him up] Ooooooh! | |
Satan throws him against the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a swollen left eye. | |
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jesus' corner. | |
Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! [The round ends.] You've got to fight, Jesus. | |
Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook. | |
Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still had money on you. | |
It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up. | |
Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. [Kyle looks at him.] She wouldn't stop until she was Number One! | |
Uuuuh. Stan? | |
Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best! | |
Stan. | |
She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold! | |
Stan! | |
[Turning to Kyle.] What? | |
Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second. | |
[Thinks a moment.] ... Really? | |
Yeah, dude! | |
Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks. | |
Jesus takes a ladleful of water from a pail next to him. | |
You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'. | |
... Who said that? | |
You did, Jesus. | |
Jesus ponders these words as he looks at Satan. | |
You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys! | |
He gets up as the next round begins and fights without his halo. | |
Wow. Did he say that in the Bible? | |
Nah, I saw it on Star Trek. | |
Hmmm. | |
Satan takes a couple of swings at Jesus, but Jesus ducks them. | |
Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me! | |
Okay, pal. You asked for it! | |
The crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan just buries his head in his hands in disbelief. | |
Satan protecting his ribs. | |
Ooooooh, you got me. | |
He drops flat on his back. | |
One... Two... Three... | |
No way! He barely touched him! | |
... Seven... Eight. | |
Satan opens his left eye, then closes it again. | |
... Nine... Ten. You're out! | |
The match ends, and Jesus jumps up in victory. | |
Our Savior! | |
The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ! | |
Satan pops right back up. | |
Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight! | |
Yeah! | |
Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win? | |
The crowd wonders. | |
Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA! | |
Satan dances out of the ring. | |
I don't believe this! | |
Yeah, what a mean thing to do! | |
[Now on the Forum floor.] Farewell, fools! | |
Man, that guy is a jerk. | |
Satan dances away and Stan enters the ring. | |
[Over the microphone.] Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan. | |
Boy, did we get screwed. | |
Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us? | |
Aw heck. [Puts his halo back on.] Do I have a choice? | |
The crowd cheers with relief. | |
Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus! | |
Kenny is highlighted. | |
Ih-it's comin' right for us! | |
Jimbo pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is soon on the floor with his head blown off. | |
Oh my God, they killed Kenny. | |
You bastard! | |
Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you. | |
Rats swarm all over Kenny's head. | |
You're leaving already? | |
I have to. My dad's always on the move. | |
The rats leave also. | |
Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid. | |
Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over. | |
Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security? | |
Cartman's backyard. He's the only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman looks full, though. | |
More pie, hon? | |
Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously. | |
End of Damien |
| |||||
---|---|---|---|---|---|
Story Elements |
Damien Thorn • Satan • Jesus • Sports Book • "Ave Satani" • "We're All Special" | ||||
Media |
Images • Script • Extras • Watch Episode | ||||
Release |