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The official script for "Damien" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Damien Thorn
• Satan
• Jesus Christ
• Roland
• Jimbo Kern
• Ned Gerblansky
• Father Maxi
• Mr. Allen
• Mr. McDonald
• Michael Buffer
• Mr. Garrison
• Clyde Donovan
• Wendy Testaburger
• Red
• Bebe Stevens
• Pip Pirrip
• Chef
• Liane Cartman
• Don King
• Referee Mills Lane
• Groundskeeper

Script

Damien
	Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out.
Cartman	Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan...
Kyle	What is this, Cartman?
Cartman	They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend.
Stan	Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?
Cartman	Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday...
Kyle	Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever.
Cartman	That's right.
Stan	Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat-ass, too.
Cartman	That's ri-aayy.
Pip	Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation.
Cartman	[darting over] Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember!
	Pip smiles hopefully.
Cartman	I shoved it up my ass!
	Pip's hopes are dashed.
Cartman	Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!
	moves on
Cartman	Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde...
Mr. Garrison	[excitedly] Children, children! Today is a very special day.
Cartman	No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.
Mr. Garrison	I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today.
Cartman	Eeeeeeh!
Mr. Garrison	Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... [leans down to the new kid, Damien] uh-uh, what's your name again?
Damien Thorn	Damien!
Ominous Voice	Rectus...dominus...
	Dark music and changing plays as Damien's eyes show flaming, crackling pupils.
Mr. Garrison	Say 'hi' to Damien! [Silence.] And where are you from, Damien?
Damien	The seventh layer of hell!
Mr. Garrison	Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.
	Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away the apple. Garrison steps aside.
Damien	My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!
Ominous Voice	... rectus... cheesy poofs...
Mr. Garrison	Your father?
Damien	The Prince of Darkness!
Mr. Garrison	Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era.
	Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman.
Mr. Garrison	Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass...
Cartman	Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?
Damien	Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...
Cartman	Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?
Ominous Voice	Rectus... dominus...
	Damien turns to Cartman and concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps him onto the floor.
Cartman	Byah. Oof!
	The desk goes out the window. The class sits up.
Stan	Whoa, dude!
Ominous Voice	Sancti...
Kyle	Damn, what a freak!
Cartman	[Getting up off the floor.] Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!
Ominous Voice	Cheesy poofs...
Damien	Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.
Mr. Garrison	Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?
	Damien blinks.
Cartman	Eheh. [Taunting.] You got in trouble, you got in trouble.
	The cafeteria: The boys already have their lunches.
Stan	Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?
Kyle	Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'.
Cartman	Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday.
Stan	Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
Kyle	Yeah, that's weak!
Cartman	Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?
Stan	Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want.
	Kyle crumples up the invitation and throws it away.
Cartman	Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
Stan	Oh great, Green Mega Man it is.
Cartman	Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is.
	Damien arrives.
Stan	Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?
Cartman	Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!
Damien	Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!
Kyle	You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table!
	Damien walks off.
Cartman	Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.
	Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him.
Cartman	Eeyy!
	Damian walks over to where Pip is.
Pip	Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me.
Damien	Then I will call you Pip.
Pip	Right-o.
Stan	Hey new kid!
	Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him.
Stan	Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.
Kenny	(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)
Damien	That does it! Woo-paah.
	Points his index fingers at Kenny.
Ominous Voice	... rectus... dominus...
	Kenny trembles for a moment, and then a moment of silence.
Stan	What the... ?
Kyle	Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.
Stan	A what?
Kenny	Quack-quack.
Cartman	Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butt-hole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man!
	Chef comes up behind them.
Chef	Hello there, children.
Stan	Hey, Chef.
Chef	How's it going?
Kyle	Bad.
Chef	Why bad?
Kyle	Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak.
Chef	Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song, We're all special in our own way everybody's different, but that's okay, 'cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin, different points of view, be tall or thin, it doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin,
	A psychedelic scene appears behind him.
Chef	With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been,
	He stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile.
Chef	Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh...
	He floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then he's back in the cafeteria
Chef	What were we talking about again?
Kyle	The new kid.
	Damian is standing on a table.
Damien	Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!
Ominous Voice	Rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs...
	Pip's cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall poster, clocks...
Stan	Whoa!
Chef	Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker!
	...Footballs, bunnyfish, desks, telephones, fire alarms, rifles...
Kyle	We told you, dude.
	Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around.
Chef	We've got to do something, children!
	Mr. Hankey flies by, then Kevin Stoley, then a cow. (think Twister)
Damien	Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus!
Ominous Voice	... rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... rectus... dominus...
Stan, Kyle	Jesus?
	The set of Jesus and Pals. Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in
Roland	Two minutes to air, Jesus.
Jesus	Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. [Stan and Kyle dash in.]
Stan	Jesus, Jesus!
Jesus	Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.
Stan	No no. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil.
Kyle	Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny.
Kenny	Quack-quack.
Jesus	Wow. That's pretty heavy.
Stan	This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and... saying stuff aboout his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you.
Jesus	The Dark Prince?
Stan	Yeah.
Kyle	Yeah.
Jesus	So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One.
Stan	[To Kyle.] Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid.
Jesus	Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.
Kyle	... K.
	School playground
Groundskeeper	Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!
	Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and the Boy with the blue cap, who is taking notes. Cartman stands next to an easel, pointing at drawings he made earlier. A boy with a blue hat joins them later
Cartman	Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money...
	A football lands in front of Damien, who sets fire to it. He then points to the slide, which catches fire and sends Red into another student as Bebe looks on.
Ominous Voice	Rectus... dominus... sancti...
Red	Aaaaa Bebe!
Bebe	Our slide!
Damien	Feel my wrath!
	Damien sends a small fireball from his fingertip to the see-saw, setting it aflame and knocking off Kevin Stoley and Token.
	Damien torches the hobby elephants. A boy with a brown hat screams as fire is set to the hobby elephant he's playing on.
Pip	[As Damien torches the hobby elephants.] Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday.
Damien	I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan!
	He torches the jungle gym. Butters screams as he falls off.
Pip	Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely.
Ominous Voice	... Rectus... cheesy poofs...
Jesus	Damien!
Damien	Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!
Jesus	So it is thou, Son of Lucifer!
Damien	Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes.
Jesus	Let him come then. I shall stop him!
Damien	Behold! He is already upon us! [Clouds begin to conceal the sun.
Kyle	Ohh, dude!
Satan	Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
	Another whirlwind comes up.
Jimbo	What the hell's going on here?
	A crowd begins to gather.
Father Maxi	Look! It's that guy from the public access show!
Blonde	What's happening?
Chef	Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you!
	Garrison leans onto him.
Chef	Not you, dammit!
Satan	Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
Damien	Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!
Jesus	Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - right here in South Park!
Jimbo	Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie!
	The Crowd disperses.
Stan	You're gonna fight Satan?
Jesus	This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.
Commercial	Who will win our souls?
	An hourglass spins on a horizontal axis.
Commercial	Our Savior and Lord?
	Jesus launches a fireball into the darkness.
Commercial	Or the Prince of Darkness?
	A red demon looms over several fleeing people.
Commercial	It's the final battle between Good and Evil.
	A black figure and a white one bump heads.
Commercial	And it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95.
	Cartman's house. The boys have just seen the commercial
Cartman	Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!
Kenny	Quack-quack.
Stan	[To Kyle.] I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday?
Cartman	Cartman's birthday!
Kyle	We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!
Cartman	You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel.
Stan	Well, come on. We have to at least see the weigh-in.
Cartman	Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!
	Main St. A crowd is gathered for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too
Father Maxi	When is Satan gonna show up?
	The boys rush up.
Stan	Did the Devil show up yet?
Jesus	Not yet.
Kyle	Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?
Jesus	... What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?
Cartman	Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.
Jesus	Oh.
Jimbo	We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince.
	The crowd cheers.
Jesus	Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.
Father Maxi	You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus.
	More cheering. A pillar of fire appears.
Ominous Vocie	Rectus... dominus...
Jesus	Behold. The Evil One approaches.
Satan	Yeah.
	He appears, and the crowd gasps at his size.
Mr. Garrison	Holy poop on a stick!
Satan	Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!
Stan	Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge.
Jimbo	Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef!
Satan	Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!
Jesus	Oh - oh yeah??
Man in crowd	Damn.
Satan	I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.
Jesus	Oh yeah??
	A scale is brought in, and Satan is directed to stand on it.
Announcer	Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz.
	The crowd gasps. Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on.
Announcer	Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz.
	The crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment.
Chef	Ooh crap.
Jesus	Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.
Satan	Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world.
	The clouds gather behind him. He then turns and walks away.
Jimbo	[Holding his ticket up.] Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.
Mr. Garrison	Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.
Father Maxi	Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck.
	The crowd breaks up.
	The Sports Book $. Two screens are showing horse races
Man 1	Change my bet!
Man 2	I'm betting on the Devil!
Jimbo	I wanna change my bet to Satan.
Ned	Me, too.
Mr. Garrison	Wai-wa I was here first.
	South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Damien is in
Mr. Mackey	Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, m'kay?
Damien	Everybody hates me!
Mr. Mackey	Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?
Damien	Because I'm the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey	Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?
Damien	Because I... burn them and kill them?
Mr. Mackey	Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. And no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. You be passive, m'kay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now.
	The playground. Bebe, Kevin Stoley, Butters, and Clyde surround Pip.
Clyde	I bet I can spit the most on him.
	Spits, and it lands on Pip's left shoulder.
Bebe	Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair.
	Spits, and it lands on his right eye.
Pip	Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.
Stan	Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'.
Cartman	[Sees Damien coming.] Oh, here comes the unholy butt-hole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
Damien	I apologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
	A sequence of blinks hints as to the boys' response. Cartman moves closer to Damien.
Cartman	[Farts and moves away.] Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!
	Damien is angry, but restrains himself.
Stan	Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
Kyle	Yeah. We're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.
Stan	Bubye, Fart-boy.
Kyle	See ya.
Pip	Good day, Damien. How are you?
Damien	Those guys farted on me, and then called me-
Pip	Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
	Skeeter's bar; people are having drinks. Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and enters
Jesus	Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-
Chef	Oh ooh.
	A woman at a nearby table whistles the same thing.
Jesus	I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning.
	Two men at the bar look at each other.
Jesus	In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!
Father Maxi	You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!
Jesus	Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!
Father Maxi	Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus.
Jesus	I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.
Father Maxi	Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!
Mr. Garrison	Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too.
Jimbo	Yeah.
Father Maxi	Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light! See ya later.
	Jesus turns and walks out.
Father Maxi	What the hell, does he think we're all crazy?
Mr. Garrison	Yeah, crazy.
	Bill Allen and Fosse McDonald's fathers chortle behind him.
Mr. Allen	He's so gay.
Mr. McDonald	Yeah.
	The two men seen earlier toast the comments, and Jesus looks in once more.
Jesus	You're all a bunch of Judases!
	Outside the bar. Jesus runs into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny
Stan	Hey, Jesus.
Jesus	What are you doing out so late, kids?
Kyle	We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.
Jesus	Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right?
Stan	Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.
Kyle	Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?
Jesus	No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?
	Satan's press conference. At least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present.
Reporter 1	Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?
Satan	I will crush him like a little bug!
Reporter 2	Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War?
	Satan thinks a moment, then begins to answer, but a hand covers his mouth.
Don King	Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.
	A training room. Jesus is working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters.
Cartman	You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?
Stan	Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
Jesus	No way, dude!
Chef	[In the ring.] Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.
Stan	But you're his sparring partner, Chef.
Kyle	Yeah, you have to hit him.
Jesus	Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train.
Chef	Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?
Jesus	Give it your best sho- [Poof.] Oh! [Falls back to the floor.]
Chef	Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!
Jesus	Anybody get the number of that truck? [Drops his head.]
	Cartman's birthday party; several balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard.
Liane	Come on, kiddies. Eat more.
	Cartman is greeting children as they come in with his presents.
Cartman	Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef.
Chef	Yup! Here's your present, children.
	Hands Cartman his gift.
Chef	Well, uh, nice party. Uh, see ya later.
Kyle	Hey, you just got here, Chef!
Chef	I know, but the fight is starting.
Stan	Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.
	Liane turns to see what Stan said, and sees Chef.
Liane	Mmmmm.
Chef	Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili.
	On the sidewalk in front of Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit.
Damien	I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.
Pip	Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.
Damien	The other kids have always hated you?
Pip	Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on me.
	Damien gets an idea.
	South Park Forum.
Michael Buffer	In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!
	The crowd cheers.
Michael Buffer	And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub!
	The crowd now cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink away.
Michael Buffer	Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!
Referee	Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles.
	The bell rings.
	Cartman's birthday party. A carny does tricks. Damien enters with Pip in tow.
Cartman	Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?
Stan	Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.
Kyle	And neither were you, Pip!
Pip	Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-
Damien	Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party.
	His eyes flare up again.
Ominous Voice	Rectus... dominus...
	Damien taps Pip on the shoulder and the ground opens up.
	Small demons grab Pip.
Ominous Voice	... Sancti... cheesy poofs...
Pip	Aaaa!
	He is launched like a rocket.
Pip	Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee!
	He gives off fireworks.
Kyle	Wow!
Stan	Whoa, that was cool!
	The children, Bebe, Wendy, and Clyde among them, look up and are duly impressed. They applaud.
Kyle	Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.
Cartman	Yeah. Come on in and join the party. [Damien is pleased]
	South Park Forum, round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left, throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross. Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place.
Satan	Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch!
	Cartman's birthday party. He is now opening his presents.
Cartman	Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. [Stan leaves.] And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy.[She leaves.] Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS?! [Thumps the table in anger.]
Kyle	It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
Cartman	YOU SON OF A BITCH! [Lunges towards Kyle.]
Kyle	[As he is pinned by Cartman.] Aaaaa!
Cartman	YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP! [Slapping him around by now.]
Kyle	They were all out of 'em dude!
Cartman	I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!!
Cartman	Aah! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyle	[Sobbing.] Aaaaaaaa!
	Cartman gets up and moves toward the center of the yard.
Cartman	That's it! Party is over!
	The kids look glum.
Cartman	Everybody go home!
	He turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes dark, and the banner floats away.
Cartman	GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!
	The kids exit the backyard as Cartman announces that the party is over.
	Stan and Kyle stop.
Stan	Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!
Cartman	Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you!
	Throws it at Kyle, who is felled by it. The kids regroup in front of the house.
Damien	Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.
Stan	Aaanh, he does this all the time.
Chef	Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight!
	Pip descends from above.
Pip	Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty.
	South Park Forum, a later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives him a right to the face.
Jesus	Oh!
	Backs up helplessly.
Satan	Fight, dammit!
	Gives him another right to the face.
Jesus	Oow! [Satan pick him up] Ooooooh!
	Satan throws him against the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a swollen left eye.
	Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jesus' corner.
Stan	Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! [The round ends.] You've got to fight, Jesus.
Jesus	Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.
Kyle	Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still had money on you.
Jesus	It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.
Stan	Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. [Kyle looks at him.] She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!
Kyle	Uuuuh. Stan?
Stan	Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best!
Kyle	Stan.
Stan	She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!
Kyle	Stan!
Stan	[Turning to Kyle.] What?
Kyle	Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second.
Stan	[Thinks a moment.] ... Really?
Kyle	Yeah, dude!
Stan	Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.
	Jesus takes a ladleful of water from a pail next to him.
Stan	You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'.
Jesus	... Who said that?
Stan	You did, Jesus.
	Jesus ponders these words as he looks at Satan.
Jesus	You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys!
	He gets up as the next round begins and fights without his halo.
Kyle	Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?
Stan	Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
Kyle	Hmmm.
	Satan takes a couple of swings at Jesus, but Jesus ducks them.
Satan	Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me!
Jesus	Okay, pal. You asked for it!
	The crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan just buries his head in his hands in disbelief.
	Satan protecting his ribs.
Satan	Ooooooh, you got me.
	He drops flat on his back.
Referee	One... Two... Three...
Jimbo	No way! He barely touched him!
Referee	... Seven... Eight.
	Satan opens his left eye, then closes it again.
Referee	... Nine... Ten. You're out!
	The match ends, and Jesus jumps up in victory.
Stan, Kyle	Our Savior!
Michael Buffer	The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!
	Satan pops right back up.
Mr. Garrison	Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!
Jimbo	Yeah!
Satan	Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?
	The crowd wonders.
Satan	Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA!
	Satan dances out of the ring.
Father Maxi	I don't believe this!
Mr. Garrison	Yeah, what a mean thing to do!
Satan	[Now on the Forum floor.] Farewell, fools!
Jimbo	Man, that guy is a jerk.
	Satan dances away and Stan enters the ring.
Stan	[Over the microphone.] Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.
Mr. Garrison	Boy, did we get screwed.
Chef	Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?
Jesus	Aw heck. [Puts his halo back on.] Do I have a choice?
	The crowd cheers with relief.
Jimbo	Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus!
	Kenny is highlighted.
Jimbo	Ih-it's comin' right for us!
	Jimbo pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is soon on the floor with his head blown off.
Stan	Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle	You bastard!
Damien	Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you.
	Rats swarm all over Kenny's head.
Stan	You're leaving already?
Damien	I have to. My dad's always on the move.
	The rats leave also.
Stan	Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Kyle	Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.
Stan	Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?
	Cartman's backyard. He's the only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman looks full, though.
Liane	More pie, hon?
Cartman	Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously.
End of Damien