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{{TabScript|episode=Conjoined Fetus Lady|code=wl2v8q/south-park-conjoined-fetus-lady-season-2-ep-5|nav={{SP navigation|Chickenlover|The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka}}}}{{Official Script|e=205}}
Cast
 
  +
==Cast==
  +
*[[Stan Marsh]]
  +
*[[Kyle Broflovski]]
  +
*[[Eric Cartman]]
  +
*[[Kenny McCormick]]
  +
*[[Pip Pirrip]]
  +
*[[Bebe Stevens]]
  +
*[[Clyde Donovan]]
  +
*[[Mr. Mackey]]
  +
*[[Sheila Broflovski]]
  +
*[[Gerald Broflovski]]
  +
*[[Sharon Marsh]]
  +
*[[Randy Marsh]]
  +
*[[Jerome "Chef" McElroy|Chef]]
  +
*[[Veronica Crabtree|Ms. Crabtree]]
  +
*[[Nurse Gollum]]
  +
*[[Principal Victoria]]
  +
*[[Tolkien Black]]
  +
*[[Officer Barbrady]]
  +
*[[Jimbo Kern]]
  +
*[[Bob Thomas]]
  +
*The [[Denver Cougars]]
  +
*[[Washington Dodgeball Players|Washington Players]]
  +
*[[Kevin Stoley]]
  +
*[[Chinese Commentators]]
  +
*[[Chinese Dodgeball Players|Chinese Dodgeball Team]]
   
  +
==Script==
Stan
 
  +
{{EpisodeScript|
Kyle
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary Gym.}}
Cartman
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball!}}
Kenny
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The class groans.}}
Pip
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.}}
Bebe
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah.}}
Clyde
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|So let's have half the children on this side ''[To his right.]'' and half the children on that side. ''[To his left]''}}
Mr. Mackey
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Team 1 walks to one side. The children groan.}}
Sheila and Gerald Broflovski
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|''[Uncertain.]'' Uhh... Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.}}
Sharon and Randy Marsh
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[With Clyde and Stan looking on.]'' What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?}}
Chef
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France--}}
Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball.}}
Nurse Gollum
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh, dear.}}
Principal Victoria
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins.}}
Officer Barbrady
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh, what jolly good fun!}}
Uncle Jimbo
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school.}}
Bob Thomas
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The teams are as follows:<br>Team 1: Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Annie, Butters, and Brimmy<br>Team 2: Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, Red, and Terrance.}}
The Denver Cougars
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[Blows his whistle.]'' Play ball!}}
Kevin, the Chinese-American Student
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kevin takes the ball and chucks it at Stan's team. It hits Clyde.}}
Chinese commentators
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Clyde|Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!}}
The Chinese Dodgeball Team
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Dammit, we lost one already!}}
----
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.}}
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup.}}
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Annie (Jordan) and Butters (Swanson) pull forward as told to. Kevin throws again, and it hits Annie, causing her to scream and be knocked out.}}
{| class="scripttable"
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|We're losing men fast out here!}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He and Kyle jump out of the way as the ball sails towards Brimmy, who falls and lets out a grunt of pain. The ball returns to the opposing team.}}
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[South Park Elementary Gym]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[Giggling.]'' Concentrate on your ge-hame! ''Be'' the buhaw-hall!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kevin serves again, and Kyle looks away as it comes towards him, amazingly Kyle opens his eyes to find the ball is in his hands.}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I caught it! I caught it!}}
|Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball! [the class groans]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Here, Pip, ''you'' throw.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle tosses the ball to Pip, who catches it.}}
|We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Ugh... Oh, no, I couldn't.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a little French pansy your whole life?}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|I'm not French--}}
|Yeah.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Throw the ball, you stupid frog!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Pip sets up to throw.}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Goddamn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants,}}
|So let's have half the children on this side [to his right] and half the children on that side [to his left. Team 1 walks to one side]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Angered, Pip throws the ball at him.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|you'd be able to-- Ow! ''[He falls.]''.}}
!Pip:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but you're supposed to hit the kids on the ''other'' team.}}
|[uncertain] Uuh. Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!}}
|[with Clyde and Stan looking on] What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the nurse's office.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Fear strikes the kids.}}
!Pip:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[Gasp.]'' No. No, it'll be okay!}}
|Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Sorry, son. You'll ''have'' to let the nurse look at it. Come on.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Chef takes him by the hand, and leads him away to the nurse's office.}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Oh-- Noooo!}}
|Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[Ominously.]'' Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Clyde|I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.}}
!Pip:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Bebe|I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.}}
|Oh, dear.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[Somberly.]'' No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and run away. He looks up, and a door opens. Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight.}}
|If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Are you Kyle Broflovski?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|She sounds friendly, but her shadow falls on him.}}
!Pip:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Ye-yes.}}
|Oh, what jolly good fun!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Ye-yes.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.}}
|No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|I know.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|So open them.}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|She walks to her left, Kyle resists, then opens them.}}
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[The teams are as follows:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Oh! Phew.}}
Team 1: Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Jordan, Swanson, and one other
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Now, what seems to be the problem?}}
Team 2: Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, and five others]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack.}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|She turns to face him, and a withered fetus comes into view. It is joined to her left temple and upper cheek.}}
|[blows his whistle] Play ball! [Kevin takes the ball and chucks it at Stan's team. It hits Clyde]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|AAGGGGGHHHH!!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|What?}}
!Clyde:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|OOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!!}}
|Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|'''''AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!'''''}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen to Kyle's story.}}
|Dammit, we lost one already!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|...And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Boys|Eewwww!}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?}}
|Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|No. No-it looked dead.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Boys|Eewwww!}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Wa-was it wearing clothes?}}
|Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup! [Kevin throws again, and it hits Jordan]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Oh, yeah. Eeww.}}
!Jordan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Boys|Eewwww!}}
|Aaaaah!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|And then she walked over to--}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is ''nothing'' to be made fun of. It's called "conjoined twin myslexia".}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Who the hell cares what it's called? As long as she doesn't have to touch me...}}
|We're losing men fast out here! [he and Kyle jump out of the way as the ball sails towards the unnamed teammate. The guy falls and the ball returns to the opposing team]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They hop on the sofa. She sits in the middle and opens the book. Softly, she reads.}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as ''Siamese'' twins.}}
|[giggling] Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the buhaw-hall! [Kevin serves again, and Kyle looks away as it comes towards him.]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A picture of two adults attached by the side of the head is shown.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|The Boys|Gross!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached.}}
|[finds the ball in his hands] I caught it! I caught it!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan is frightened.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so even ''you'' could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it!}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Now, Cartman is frightened. He and Stan rush out of there.}}
|Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|AGGGGGGHHHHHH!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|AGGHHH! Let me live! AGGGHHH!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|So now that you're educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?}}
|Here, Pip. You throw. [tosses the ball to him]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Uhhhh... Yeah.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|She leaves, and Kyle's eyes follow her. Then he looks forward, then at Kenny. Kenny cracks up.}}
!Pip:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads the newspaper.}}
|[catches it] Ugh. On, no, I couldn't.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Mm-hmm.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day...}}
|Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a little French pig your whole life?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Mm-hmm.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The phone rings and Sheila answers.}}
!Pip:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Hello?}}
|I'm not French-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sharon|Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan is screaming and running around the house.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.}}
|Throw the ball, you stupid frog! [Pip sets up] God-damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants [angered, Pip zipz the ball at him], you'd be able to thr-ow! [he falls]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sharon|Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Randy chases him down.}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|No! I have to get it out!}}
|Okay, that was pretty good, Pip. But you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sharon|So this ''is'' your fault.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!}}
|Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Randy|Dammit, stop.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan slips from his grasp and he falls.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Randy|Oh!}}
|Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Gets up and chases him.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Randy|Dammit!}}
!Pip:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sharon|Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead?}}
|Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Click. Stan runs by again, still screaming and pursued by Randy. Sheila is left with a dial tone.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|''[Undaunted.]'' That does it! I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Mm-hmm.}}
|That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the nurse's office. [fear strikes the kids]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Elementary Gym.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[To Cartman.]'' Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing dodgeball again?}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.}}
|[gasp] No. No, it'll be okay!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[Arriving with a letter.]'' Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|All|Awww...}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Aw, do we have to?}}
|Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. Come on [takes him by the hand]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|You-you don't understand, children. If we can win State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Heyh! They have a zoo there!}}
|Oh. Noooo!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing to do!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The class separates into teams.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to State Finals?}}
|[ominously] Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|I'd love to!}}
!Clyde:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.}}
|I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He turns and walks away.}}
!Bebe:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|And besides, I ''hate'' French people.}}
|I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Chef blows the whistle to begin play. Fosse throws, and Bebe is beaned. The foursome look at her, then laugh while Pip observes.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and Sheila.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?}}
|Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Nothing is pissing me off! I just wanta start a movement.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|O-of course you do.}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.}}
|[somberly] No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Principal Victoria and Mackey are surprised.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Uh, Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a--}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of.}}
| class="scripttablehighlight"|
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Oh, and uh, what disease is that?}}
[Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and run away. He looks up, and a door epens.]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.}}
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|What's that?}}
[Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|She has a dead fetus attached to her head.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|''[Gasp.]'' She does?}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Y-you never noticed that?}}
|Are you Kyle Broflovski? [she sounds friendly, but her shadow falls on him]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|No-o, I never did.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to ''us'' to make her feel comfortable and welcome in our town!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?}}
|Ye-yes.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Do we have to eat kosher stuff?}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around 8:00?}}
|I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Wonderful!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals.}}
|Ye- yes.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[Rising.]'' Okay children. ''[Encouraging]'' Now, who's gonna win the State Finals?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The kids just look at him.}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Clyde|Denver?}}
|Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|<poem><i>Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!
|-
 
  +
Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!</i></poem>}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The kids just look at him. He looks back, then turns to Ms. Crabtree.}}
|I know.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|I think we need to get off on this exit.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mrs. Crabtre|SIT DOWN, KID!!}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|But it's quicker to get to the Denver school ''that'' way!}}
|So open them. [she walks to her left]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Ms. Crabtree|DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|How many times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Ms. Crabtree|I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!}}
|[resists, then opens them] Oh. [glad she's not as hideous as he thought. She's pretty] Phew.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[Sits down.]'' Yes, ma'am.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The kids arrive at Denver Elementary.}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Whoa, dude, this is a school?}}
|Now, what seems to be the problem?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Bob Thomas|Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He slaps Chef on the back.}}
|Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Bob Thomas|Well, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us, because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are.}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Chef is pissed.}}
|Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack. [she turns to face him, and a withered fetus comes into view. It is joined to her left temple and upper cheek.]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Bob Thomas|You're from South Park, yeah?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[In a low tone.]'' Yeah.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Bob Thomas|My G-hod, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful.}}
|AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He slaps Chef on the back again and leaves. Chef wonders, then gets mad again as the whistle blows.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Referee|Play ball!}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view.}}
|What?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|So, uhh, where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Colorado State.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Ahhh.}}
|OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH my God!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Oh.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They resume eating in silence.}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?}}
|Oh. I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila looks at Nurse Gollum, then glares at Gerald.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|I mean, gravy.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila kicks him on the shins.}}
|AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Ow!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws the ball, and it hits Tolkien, who goes down.}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tolkien Black|Ow!}}
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen to Kyle's story]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The Cougar fans cheer.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Dammit, come on!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Clyde, Butters, and Kevin are already out.}}
|…And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Somebody catch the ball!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Only Pip and the Boys remain.}}
!The Others:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Bob Thomas|All right, boys, just five more of the little bastards to go!}}
|Eewwww!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Player 1 serves again, and the ball hits Cartman in the belly where it gets stuck.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I caught it, I caught it!}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player 1|Oh, that's not fair! He's so fat, it stuck in his belly!}}
|Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Referee 2|South Park on offense!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Great job, children! Just stay focused now.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Go for it, Pip.}}
|No. No-it looked dead.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle tosses the ball over to Pip.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Oh, bother.}}
!The Others:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Come on, you Frenchy little frog!}}
|Eewwww!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Gagghh!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Pip hurls the ball at the other team and knocks down players 1 and 13.}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Great shot, Pip!}}
|Wa- was it wearing clothes?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Back at Broflovski's.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Eh, sooo, I hear that the South Park Cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though. The-the Denver team always wins, m'kay?}}
|[oops] Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Gerald|Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win-- Heart!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Gerald!}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila smacks him off his chair.}}
|Oh, yeah. Eeww.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Keep your damn mouth shut!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|I-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.}}
!The Others:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|''[Exhales.]'' Please forgive us. I-I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum.}}
|Eewwww!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|No, I'm quite secure with it.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you--}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.}}
|And then she walked over to-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Could I get some more pork?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off?}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.}}
|Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called 'conjoined twin myslexia!'
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uh-how about a hat, then?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|No, really, I don't need a--}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day. No big whoop.}}
|Who the hell cares what it's called, as long as she doesn't have to touch me.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|I really appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm a pretty happy person.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you.}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Ooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. You know, that has a nice ring.}}
|Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys. [they hop on the sofa. She sits in the middle and opens the book. Softly, she reads] You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese twins. [a picture of two adults attached by the side of the head is shown]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|But I really don't think--}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mr. Mackey|Th-the school could put out pamphlets, m'kay? And we could have seminars to educate, m'kay?}}
!The Boys
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|''Ooooh'', this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now!}}
|Gross!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila leaves with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. Nurse Gollum and Gerald look at each other. Gerald winces.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Meanwhile at the Dodgeball State Finals.}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are State Champions.}}
|But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached. [Stan is frightened] Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it! [now, Cartman is frightened. He and Stan rush out of there]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Yeah, and if you don't, you're a big dumb-ass European hippie piece of crap.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Pip gets pissed and winds up.}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Get him, Frenchy!}}
|AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Gaagghh!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Pip hurls the ball across the court where it hits player 6 on the nose. The player goes down.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Referee 2|South Park wins!}}
|AAAAA! Let me live! AAAAA!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Coach Thomas is in utter disbelief as the victory music plays.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|We did it, children, we did it! We're going to Washington, D.C.!}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player 6|Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee!}}
|So now that you're educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A group of parents looks on as an injured player on the opposing team writhes on the floor in pain.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player 6|It hur-hurts! Owieee!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Two clowns come out with a stretcher and place it next to him.}}
|Uuuuuh. Yeah. [she leaves, and Kyle's eyes follow her. Then he looks forward, then at Kenny. Kenny cracks up]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player 6|Mommy, it huurts! I-it hur-hurts!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The clowns do a little jig, and the parents laugh. The clowns place him on the other side of the stretcher, then pick up the stretcher and walk away. The boy is left on the floor. The parents applaud.}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh, sorry about whoopin' your ass there, Coach!
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads the newspaper]
 
  +
<poem><i>Oooh, baby, come on
|-
 
  +
Just whooped Denver's ass
!Sheila:
 
  +
Gonna need some cream for your ass
|Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
 
  +
It's all swollen and red</i></poem>}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Chef dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns to make sure Coach Thomas is watching.}}
!Gerald:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Meanwhile, at the South Park Town Square.}}
|Mm-hmm.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Ms. Hermans has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School Dodgeball Team is going to the national finals...}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd cheers wildly.}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|...where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless by the Washington team.}}
|Feeling like an outcast? Being ridiculed every day?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The Broflovskis are not amused. The crowd quiets down.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease: conjoined twin myslexia. And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!}}
!Gerald:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd cheer louder.}}
|Mm-hmm. [the phone rings and Sheila answers]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|And now, let's kick off our week long festivities with the first annual Grand Conjoined Parade!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|More cheering. There are people on rooftops all over the square cheering as well.}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Let's hear it for these brave souls!}}
|Hello?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The band starts playing festive music. The crowd cheers up and down as Nurse Gollum walks down the street, alone. She looks around and waves.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!}}
!Sharon:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Nine men are shown, and they cheer back. Nurse Gollum is now next to Mayor McDaniels at the podium.}}
|Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother. [he's screaming and running around the house]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That is my job.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|''[The mic is still on.]'' Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Somewhere near Washington, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely meadow.}}
|Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|How much further is Washington, D.C.?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mrs. Crabtree|SIT DOWN, KID!!}}
!Sharon:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|I need to know how far it is, lady!}}
|Uh-Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mrs. Crabtree|I SAID SIT DOWN!!!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[Grumbling.]'' Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat hog.}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mrs. Crabtree|WHAT DID YOU SAY?!}}
|[Randy chases him down] No! I have to get it out!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|I said, "I've always wanted to visit Prague."}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mrs. Crabtree|Oh, me too.}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Clyde munches away.}}
|Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|''[To Kyle.]'' Okay, what have you got?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Some hadka fish, some gafagga...}}
!Sharon:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[Quickly.]'' I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!}}
|So this is your fault.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kenny pulls out a bone.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan takes one end of a short bungee cord while Cartman holds the other end.}}
|Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Places!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan gives his end to Kyle and takes the jelly roll. He places the jelly roll in the makeshift slingshot, pulls back, and fires away. All three smile as the roll flies forward. It hits Mrs. Crabtree on the back of her head.}}
!Randy:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Ms. Crabtree|ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!}}
|Damn it, stop. [Stan slips from his grasp and he falls] Oh! [gets up and chases him] Damm it!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|She loses control of the bus as it careens down the road.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kids|Whoa!}}
!Sharon:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kenny|(Sheesh!)}}
|Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead? [click. Stan runs by again, still screaming and pursued by Randy. Sheila is left with a dial tone]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the ground five feet. Both front doors fall off.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|'''Ulysses Grant Elementary.''' Inside, the gym is filled with championship banners going back to 1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls.}}
!Sheila:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.}}
|[undaunted] That does it! I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Chef, we're hungry.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|You can eat after the game. You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese.}}
!Gerald:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.}}
|Mm-hmm.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|What?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Referee|Are you Chef?}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Yeah.}}
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[South Park Elementary Gym]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Referee|The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|What? We did it! Children, we won!}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Wow, that was easy.}}
|[to Cartman] Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing dodgeball again?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Announcer|Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, the South Park Cows!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Everyone boos as Kyle rushes over to the opposing team.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey, why did you guys forfeit?}}
|Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player|You mean you don't know?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Know what?}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player|Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.}}
|[arriving with a letter] Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A temple scene comes up. A squad of Chinese kids are exercising as their master gives orders. Some of them are being acrobatic, others throw solid kettle-bells at each other.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Master|Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!}}
!All:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player|''[Voice-over.]'' They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals.}}
|Groan.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Each kid is handed a bowling ball, which he or she throws against a brick wall. The wall crumbles further with every throw. The scene fades, and the foursome are standing there, awed.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player|Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about.}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He hops off and leaves as Chef comes over.}}
|Aw, do we have to?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Okay, children, back in the bus.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting for the evening's events to unfold.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|And so, at this honorary dinner we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison.}}
|Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He starts up the player. He's in a nice tuxedo. Nurse Gollum is quite embarrassed as she sits with Sharon in the crowd.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Oh, no..!}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Singer|''[The video begins.]''
|You-you don't understand, children. If we can win State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!
 
  +
<poem><i>You've got the strength, you've got the courage
|-
 
!Cartman:
 
|Heyh! They have a zoo there!
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing to do! [the class separates into teams]
 
|-
 
!Stan:
 
|Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to State Finals?
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?
 
|-
 
!Pip:
 
|I'd love to!
 
|-
 
!Cartman:
 
|Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.
 
|-
 
!Pip:
 
|Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You shouldn't make fun of foreigners! [turns and walks away] And besides, I hate French people! [Chef blows the whistle to begin play. Fosse throws, and Bebe is beaned. The foursome look at her, then laugh while Pip observes.]
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and Sheila]
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Wwell, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Nothing is pissing me off! I jsut wanta start a movement.
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Yah-of course you do!
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|I want to talk to you all about your school nurse. [Victoria and Mackey are surprised]
 
|-
 
!Mr. Mackey:
 
|Uh. Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a-
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of.
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Oh. And uh what disease is that?
 
|-
 
!Mr. Mackey:
 
|Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|What's that?
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|[gasp] She does?
 
|-
 
!Mr. Mackey:
 
|Yeah-uh. You never noticed that?
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|No-o, I never did.
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to us to make her feel comf'table and welcome in our town!
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.
 
|-
 
!Mr. Mackey:
 
|Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around 8?
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Wonderful!
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|[rising] Okay children. [encouraging] Now, who's gonna win the State Finals? [the kids just look at him]
 
|-
 
!Clyde:
 
|Denver?
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|
 
Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh! Unh!
 
Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh! Unh!
 
 
[the kids just look at him. He looks back, then turns to Mrs. Crabtree]
 
 
I think we need to get off on this exit.
 
|-
 
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
|SIT DOWN, KID!!
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way!
 
|-
 
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
|DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|How mant times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!
 
|-
 
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
|I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|[sits down] Yes, ma'am.
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[The kids arrive]
 
|-
 
!Stan:
 
|Whoa! Dude! This is a school?
 
|-
 
!
 
|[the crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd]
 
|-
 
!Bob Thomas:
 
|Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars. [slaps Chef on the back]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
 
|-
 
!Bob Thomas:
 
|Welll, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. Soo, I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are! [Chef is pissed] You're from South Park, yeah?
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|[in a low tone] Yeah.
 
|-
 
!Bob Thomas:
 
|My G-hod, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful. [slaps Chef on the back again and leaves. Chef wonders, then gets mad again as the whisle blows]
 
|-
 
!Referee:
 
|Play ball!
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view]
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Ehso-uuuh where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|Colorado State.
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Aaaaah.
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Oh. [they resume eating in silence]
 
|-
 
!Gerald:
 
|Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus? [she looks at Nurse Gollum, then glares at him] I mean, gravy. [she kicks him on the shins] OW!
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws the ball]
 
|-
 
!Black boy:
 
|[hit] Ow! [goes down. The Cougar fans cheer]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|Dammit, Come on! [Clyde and Swanson are already out, along with one other] Somebody catch the ball! [Pip and the foursome remain]
 
|-
 
!Bob Thomas:
 
|Alright, boys, jsut five more of the little bastards to go. [Player 1 serves again, and the ball lands in Cartman's belly]
 
|-
 
!Cartman:
 
|I caught it, I caught it!
 
|-
 
!Player 1:
 
|Oh, that's not fair. He's so fat, it stuck in his belly.
 
|-
 
!Referee 2:
 
|South Park on offense!
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|Great job, children! Just stay focused now
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Go for it, Pip. [tosses the ball to him]
 
|-
 
!Pip:
 
|[gets it] Oh, bother.
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Come on, you Frenchy little frog!
 
|-
 
!Pip:
 
|Gaaah! [pitches the ball and knocks down players 1 and 13]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|Whoahohoho! Great shot, Pip!
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[back at dinner]
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Ehsooo, I-ee hear that the South Park Cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.
 
|-
 
!Mr. Mackey:
 
|Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though, the- the Denver team always wins, okay?
 
|-
 
!Gerald:
 
|Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win-heart!
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Gerald! [smacks him off his chair] Keep your damn mouth shut!
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|Ih-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|[exhales] Please forgive us. Ah-I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum.
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|No, I'm quite secure with it.
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you-
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.
 
|-
 
!Mr. Mackey:
 
|Could I get some more pork?
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off?
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uhow about a hat, then?
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|No, really, I don't need a-
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day. No big whoop!
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|I- really- appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm- a pretty happy person.
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Oooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. You know, that has a nice ring-
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|But I really don't think-
 
|-
 
!Mr. Mackey:
 
|The- the school could put out pamphlets, mkay? And we could have seminars to educate, mkay?
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now! [leaves with Mackey and Victoria. Nurse Gollum and Gerald look at each other. Gerald winces.]
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[Dodgeball State Finals]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are State Champions.
 
|-
 
!Cartman:
 
|Yeah. And if you don't, you're a big dumbass European hippie piece of crap! [Pip gets pissed and winds up]
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Get him, Frenchy!
 
|-
 
!Pip:
 
|Gaaah! [releases the ball, and it hits player 6 on the nose. The player goes down]
 
|-
 
!Referee 2:
 
|South Park wins! [Coach Thomas looks like he's had a rug pulled out from under him while victory music plays]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|We did it, children, we did it! We're going to Washington, D.C.!
 
|-
 
!Player 6:
 
|Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee! [a group of parents looks on] Ihit hurhurts! Howieee! [two clowns come out with a stretcher and place it next to him] Mommy, it huurts! Ihit hurhurts! [the clowns do a little jig, and the parents laugh. The clowns place him on the other side of the stretcher, then pick up the stretcher and walk away. The boy is left on the floor. The parents applaud]
 
|-
 
! bgcolor="white"|Chef:
 
|Oh. Sorry about whuppin' your ass there, Coach.
 
Ooo, baby, come on.
 
Just whup Denver's ass!
 
Gonna need some cream for your ass, because
 
We're winnin' there…
 
 
[he dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns to make sure Coach Thomas is watching]
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[South Park Town Sqaure]
 
|-
 
!The Mayor:
 
|Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Miss Hermans has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School dodgeball team is going to the national finals! [the crowd cheers wildly] Where they will undoubtably be beaten senseless by the Washington team. [the Broflovskis are not amused. The crowd quiets down] But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease. Conjoined Twin Myslexia. And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week! [The crowd cheer louder] And now, let's kick off our weeklong festivities with the first Annual Grand Conjoined Parade! [more cheering. There are people on rooftops all over the square cheering as well] Let's hear it for these brave souls! [The band starts playing festive music. The crowd cheers up and down as Nurse Gollum walks down the street, alone. She looks around and waves] What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators! [nine men are shown, and they cheer back]
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|[up on the podium next to the Mayor] You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That is my job.
 
|-
 
!The Mayor:
 
|[the mike is still on] Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[Somewhere near Washngton, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely meadow]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|How much further is Washington, D.C.?
 
|-
 
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
|SIT DOWN, KID!!
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|I need to know how far it is, lady!
 
|-
 
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
|I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|[grumbling] Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat ho.
 
|-
 
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
|WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|Ah-I said, 'I've always wanted to visit Prague.'
 
|-
 
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
|D'ogh. Me too. [Clyde munches away]
 
|-
 
!Stan:
 
|[to Kyle] Okay, what have you got?
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Some hackuh fish, some gefaggah-
 
|-
 
!Cartman:
 
|[quickly] I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll! [Kenny pulls out a bone]
 
|-
 
!Stan:
 
|Sweet! Jelly roll is perfect! [takes one end of a short bungee cord while Cartman holds the other end] Places! [gives his end to Kyle and takes the jelly roll. He places the jelly roll in the makshift sling, pulls back, and fires away. All three smile as the roll leaves the sling. It hits Mrs. Crabtree on the back of her head]
 
|-
 
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
|AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [she loses control of the bus as it careens down the road.]
 
|-
 
!The Kids:
 
|Whoa!
 
|-
 
!Kenny:
 
|(Sheesh!)
 
|-
 
!
 
|[A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the ground five feet. Both front doors fall off]
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[At Grant Elementary's Gym. Championship banners going back to 1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.
 
|-
 
!Stan:
 
|Chef, we're hungry.
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|You can eat after the game! You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
 
|-
 
!Cartman:
 
|My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|What?
 
|-
 
!Referee:
 
|Are you Chef?
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|Yeah.
 
|-
 
!Referee:
 
|The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions.
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|What? We did it! Children, we won!
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Wow! That was easy.
 
|-
 
!Announcer:
 
|Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball! The South Park Cows! [everyone boos]
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|[rushing to the opposing team] Hey. Why did you guys forfeit?
 
|-
 
!Player:
 
|You mean, you don't know?
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Know what?
 
|-
 
!Player:
 
|Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us. [A temple scene comes up. A squad of Chinese kids are exercising as their master gives orders. Some of them are being acrobatic, others throw solid spherical weights at each other]
 
|-
 
!Master:
 
|Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
 
|-
 
!Player:
 
|They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals. [each kid is handed a bowling ball, which he or she throws aganst a brick wall. The wall crumbles further with every throw. The scene fades, and the foursome are standing there, awed] Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about. [hops off and leaves]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|[coming over] Okay, children. Back in the bus.
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting for the evening's events to unfold]
 
|-
 
!The Mayor:
 
|And so, at this honorary dinner we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison. [he starts up the player. He's in a nice tuxedo]
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|[quite embarrassed, seated with Sharon] Oh, no!
 
|-
 
!Singer:
 
|You've got the strength, you've got the courage
 
 
Even with a dead fetus on your head
 
Even with a dead fetus on your head
  +
You carry on
Carry on! Fight for tomorrow!
 
  +
You fight for tomorrow
Dead fetus or no, you never let go!You're my conjoined-twin, dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman
 
  +
Dead fetus or no, you never let go
|-
 
  +
You're my conjoined-twin-dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman</i></poem>}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Scenes from the video:
|[there are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause]
 
  +
*She's painting her house orange, and annoyed that Garrison is filming it.
|-
 
  +
*She looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there, filming.
!Barbrady:
 
  +
*She's in her office.
|Oh, that was so touching!
 
  +
*She's at the supermarket, annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison would stop filming.
|-
 
  +
*At the post office, she's trying to shoo him away, she's very angry that he's filming her.
!The Mayor:
 
  +
*She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged.}}
|[with envelope in hand] Hand now, friends, hit's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society. And the winner is [reaches into the envelope]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|There are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Barbrady|Oh, that was so touching.}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|''[With envelope in hand.]'' And now, friends, it's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society. And the winner is... ''[Reaches into the envelope.]''}}
|[derisively] Nurse Gollum.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|''[Derisively.]'' Nurse Gollum.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Nurse Gollum!!}}
!The Mayor:
 
|Nurse Gollum!! [the room applauds and the spotlight moves from the Mayor to the nurse]
+
{{ScriptScene|The room applauds and the spotlight moves from the Mayor to the nurse.}}
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Oh, boy.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|''[Interrupting.]'' Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in.}}
!Nurse Gollum:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Jimbo takes the microphone.}}
|Oh boy.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Jimbo|Our South Park Cows have just beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd erupts in applause, meanwhile somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope.}}
!Jimbo:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Okay, children, now, we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game.}}
|[interrupting] Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in. [takes the microphone] Our South Park Cows have jsut beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China. [the crowd erupts in applause]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions.}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|But we could get killed!}}
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[Somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan and Kyle fall silent.}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Just imagine: a big yellow "Dodgeball Champions" banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!}}
|Okay, children. Now, we're almost to China! I want you all to try and focus on your game.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Dude, Chef has lost it.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at. Ohh, children, it'll be glorious!}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh?}}
|But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Chef looks at him.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Dude, what does that mean?}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I dunno.}}
|Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kevin looks back.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Yeah, you're from China.}}
|But we could get killed!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kevin Stoley|No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kevin|I have no idea, dude.}}
|And just what price would you pay for eternal glory? [Stan and Kyle fall silent] Just imagine: a big yellow Dodgeball Champions banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Come on, rice picker!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Hey, hey hey!}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Cartman hides his hands.}}
|Dude, Chef has lost it.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Children, that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|You don't?}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.}}
|You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at. Oooh, children. It'll be glorious.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|No, no, no, no, no, that's different. I made fun of them because they are ''from'' China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it ''is'' okay to make fun of foreigners because they are from another country.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan, Kyle|Ohhh.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|''[At the same time.]'' Oooh, I get it.}}
|Sure! Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh? [Chef looks at him]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kevin|''[Vindicated.]'' Yeah.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that reads: Go Cows!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mrs. Crabtree|''[Slamming on the brakes.]'' AAAGGGGHHHH!}}
|Dude, what does that mean?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn American friend. Now let the...}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He thumps the table, and his partner's mic falls.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|...champion of dodgeball be deshide!}}
|I dunno.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|His partner resets the mic, a muscular man bangs away on a kodo drum, and musicians next to him start playing. The crowd cheers, and dancers come up and unfurl streamers.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Damn, dude. China's fucked up.}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Referee|Take places!}}
|Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese? [Kevin looks back]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|All right, let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've got!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Okay, Tom, rooks rike A-mericans are getting ready to play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes!}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They laugh.}}
|Yeah. You're from China.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|Yeah. Good thing they have those big eyes so that they don't have to rery on that amazing American interrect.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He laughs.}}
!Kevin:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Oh, you say such things.}}
|No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|That's a zinger!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Referee|Praaayyy braal!}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The Chinese serve. The first one out is Clyde, who tumbles all the way to the wall.}}
|Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Holy crap..!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kyle is hit, twice, before he goes down.}}
!Kevin:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Goddamn...}}
|I have no idea, dude.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Hey, hey, what do you call white American person with PhD in a physics and-a math?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|Ah, I don't know. What?}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Stupid American!}}
|Come on, rice-picker!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He laughs.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|Aw, no way!!}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Tom starts laughing.}}
|Hey, hey hey! [Cartman hides his hands] Children, that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Oooh, another American is down! It's numbuh-- uuhhh... Oh, I don't know. All American look alike!}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They laugh, as a Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers.}}
|You don't?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Oh my God, they killed Kenny!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|''[Laying on his side and out of breath.]'' You... bastards...}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Oooh, my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln!}}
|But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He chuckles.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|Dude, that is-a not cool! You're gonna get us into trouble again.}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again.}}
|Nonononono. That's different. I made fun of them because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it is okay to make fun of foreigners because they are from another country.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The town cheers.}}
!Stan, Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum ''not'' feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin Myslexia hats!}}
|Oooooh.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|One of her aides passes out the hats as an organ plays. Nurse Gollum just watches.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Meanwhile, in China, at the Temple, Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is hooked up to an IV. The other players are bandaged up according to the severity of their injuries.}}
!Cartman:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|And there is-a only a one South Park prayer left.}}
|[at the same time] Oooh, I get it.
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Pip stands alone on the court, Kenny is still plastered to the wall behind him.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Still all Chinese prayer. This should be over veerry shortly.}}
!Kevin:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese kid|Come on! Throw ball!}}
|[vindicated] Yeah.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation of American?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Yeah, yeah!}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|Ah, okay.}}
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that reads]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Tom puts his hands to his eyelids and opens them wide to simulate American eyes, and talks in a deep voice.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|Hey, I really, really want that. That looks good.}}
!Mrs. Crabtree:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They have a good laugh.}}
|[slamming on the brakes] Haaaaaaaaa!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Hey, hey. Let me try, let me try.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|He sets up with a deep voice.}}
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|I'll use my credit card.}}
|Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn American friends. Now let the [thumps the table, and his partner's mike falls] champions of dodgeball be deshide! [his partner resets the mike, a muscular man bangs away on a kodo drum, and musicians next to him start playing. The crowd cheers, and dancers come up and unfurl streamers]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They laugh harder, and he resumes.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|Eh-eh-uh... Do you have any non-dairy creamer?}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They both laugh.}}
|Damn, dude, China's fucked up!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Tom|Yes yes! ''[Laughs.]'' Y'all come a-back now, you hear?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|They laugh so hard they fall from their chairs.}}
!Referee:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|''[Crestfallen.]'' Oh, what have I done?}}
|Take places!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Cartman comes over and sits next to him.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|You know, Eric, I just realized something. I have been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Cartman bites into a chocolate bar.}}
|All right. Let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've got.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|If we had won the world championship, what then?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kevin walks off.}}
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|It would only be a bigger letdown the next year if we ''didn't'' win! Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine before.}}
|Okay, Kam, rooks rike a-mericans are getting ready to play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their BIG American eyes. [they laugh]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Cartman farts and tries to fan it away.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me?}}
!Kam:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The kids are stunned at this sudden reversal of desire.}}
|Yeah. Good thing they have those uh big eyes so that they don't have to rery on that amazing American interect. [laughs]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese kid|Come on! Throw ball!}}
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kevin|''[Walking over to player 70.]'' Hey, if you wanna make him throw the ball, say this.}}
|Oh, you bet that stings!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Kevin hands him a note to read.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player 70|Thanks, you American dumbass! ''[Reads it.]'' "You French piece of crap! Throw ball!"}}
!Kam:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Pip gets angry.}}
|I can shing 'em.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Player 70|"What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears."}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The Chinese team laughs. Pip gets livid rather quickly.}}
!Referee:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Arrggghhh!}}
|Praaayyy Brar! [The Chinese serve, The first one out is Clyde, who tumbles all the way to the wall]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Pip starts spinning. The Chinese team watches as Pip picks up speed, and the players gasp. Pip releases the ball and it shoots all over the temple stadium, knocking out players left and right, until all of them are down. Pip slows down, and finally stops.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chinese commentator|And the winner is South Park Cows!}}
!Chef:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Musicians play.}}
|Holy crap. [Kyle is hit, twice, before he goes down] God-dahamn!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The South Park team is limping off the court, with Kyle taking his IV along.}}
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Chef|Shut up, Pip.}}
|Hey, hey! What do you call white American person wit Ph.D. in a physics anda math?
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah, shut up, Pip. ''[To Chef.]'' Can we go home now?}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Pip|Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was--}}
!Kam:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kids, Chef|Shut up, Pip!}}
|Ah. I don't know. Rwat?
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|South Park Town Square. The mayor is on stage.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.}}
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd cheers.}}
|Stupid American! [laughs]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Now, let's hear it one more time for our world champion South Park Cows!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, next to Chef. Kyle is dressed normally but still bandaged.}}
!Kam:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads?}}
|Aw! No, wait! [starts laughing]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|And now, let's hear from the woman of the week! The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Agghh!}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Dude, it's the freak nurse!}}
|[A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Holy crap!}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that kind of behavior!}}
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Well sorry, dude, we weren't here.}}
|Oooh, another American is down! It's numberrrr, aaahhhm. Oh, I don't know, all Americans look alike. [they laugh]
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I... I don't know what to say; this has been quite a week.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|''[Wiping away a tear.]'' She's really touched.}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|What I really wanna say is... well, -egh-- This may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but... you're all a bunch of freaks!}}
|[A Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|The crowd is stunned, Mayor McDaniels takes the mic from Nurse Gollum.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Mayor McDaniels|Uhhh, freaks with big hearts! And now--}}
!Stan:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out?}}
|Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Sheila and Father Maxi look betrayed.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long.}}
!Kyle:
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|More people look at each other.}}
|[lying on his side and out of breath] You… bastards…
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly. I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other. }}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|People are listening.}}
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Nurse Gollum|And take those stupid things off your heads!}}
|Oooh, my. I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln! [chuckles]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|She turns and walks off the stage.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Principal Victoria|Oh, my, what an ungrateful bitch.}}
!Kam:
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Sheila|Yeah, the nerve of some people.}}
|Dude, that isa not cool! You're gonna get us into trouble again.
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Kyle|Hey, you know, that nurse is actually pretty cool.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Stan|Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.}}
!
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|I love you guys.}}
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again]
 
  +
{{ScriptScene|Stan and Kyle merely look at him and say nothing.}}
|-
 
  +
{{ScriptDialog|Cartman|Ah, screw you guys!}}
!The Mayor:
 
  +
}}
|Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China. [the town cheers] Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin Myslexia Hat! [one of her aides passes out the hats as an organ plays. Nurse Gollum just watches]
 
  +
{{Episodemedia02|episode=5}}
|-
 
  +
[[fr:Le Fœtus siamo-maxillaire/Script]]
!
 
  +
[[zh:连体婴儿症/剧本]]
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[The Temple. Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is hooked up to an IV unit. The other players are bandaged up according to the severity of their injuries]
 
  +
[[Category:Scripts From Season Two]]
|-
 
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
|And these is a only a one South Park prayer left. [Pip. Kenny is still plastered to the wall] Still aallll Chinese player. This should be over veerry shortly.
 
|-
 
!Chinese kid:
 
|Come on! Throw ball!
 
|-
 
!Kam:
 
|Hey! You ah wanna hear my impersonation of American?
 
|-
 
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
|Yeah, yeah!
 
|-
 
!Kam:
 
|Ah. Okay. [puts his hands to his eyelids and opens them wide to simulate American eyes, and talks in a deep voice] Hey. I rearry rearry want that. That hurts good. [they have a good laugh]
 
|-
 
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
|Heyheyhey. Let me try, let me try. [sets up with a deep voice] I'll use my credit card. [they laugh harder, and he resumes] Eh. Eh. Uh. Do you have any non-dairy creamer? [they laugh]
 
|-
 
!Kam:
 
|Yeah, Yeah! [laughs] Y'all come a-back now, hear? [they laugh so hard they fall from their chairs]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|[crestfallen] Oh! What have I done? [Cartman comes over and sits next to him] You know, Eric? I just realized something. I have been obsessed, and obsession isn't good. [Eric bites into a chocolate bar] If we had won the world championship, what then? [Kevin walks off] It would only be a bigger letdown the nest year if we didn't win! Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine before! [Cartman farts and tries to fan it away] Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me? [the kids are stunned at this sudden reversal of desire] Come on, forget this stupid game! Let's go home.
 
|-
 
!Chinese kid:
 
|Come on! Praya ball!
 
|-
 
!Kevin:
 
|[walking over to player 70] Hey, if you wanna make him throw the ball, say this. [hands him a note to read]
 
|-
 
!Player 70:
 
|Thank you, American dumbass! [reads it] You French piece of crap, throw ball. [Pip gets angry] What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears? [the team laughs. Pip gets livid rather quickly]
 
|-
 
!Pip:
 
|Aaaaaaaaah! [starts spinning. The Chinese team watches as Pip picks up speed, and the players gasp. Pip releases the ball and it shoots all over the temple stadium, knocking out players left and right, until all of them are down. Pip slows down, and finally stops]
 
|-
 
!Short Chinese Commentator:
 
|And the winner is South Park Cows! [musicians play]
 
|-
 
!Pip:
 
|Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day! [the South Park team is limping off the court, with Kyle taking his IV unit along]
 
|-
 
!Chef:
 
|Shut up, Pip!
 
|-
 
!Stan:
 
|Yeah, shut up, Pip! [to Chef] Can we go home now?
 
|-
 
!Pip:
 
|Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was-
 
|-
 
!Other kids:
 
|Shut up, Pip!
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[South Park Town Square. The Mayor is on stage]
 
|-
 
!The Mayor
 
|This year as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week draws to a close, I wold like to personally thnak all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation. [the crowd cheers] Now, let's hear it one more time for our World Champion South Park Cows! [the team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, next to Chef]
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|[now dressed normally, but still bandaged] What the hell is eveyone wearing on their heads?
 
|-
 
!The Mayor:
 
|And now, let's hear from the woman of the week, the incredible, courageous, Nurse Gollum!
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Aaah!
 
|-
 
!Stan:
 
|Dude, it's the freak nurse!
 
|-
 
!Cartman:
 
|Holy crap.
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that kind of behavior!
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Well sorry, dude. We weren't here.
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I… I don't know what to say; this has been quite a week.
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|[wiping away a tear] She's really touched.
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|What I really wanna say is… well, -egh this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but… you're all a bunch of freaks! [the crowd is stunned]
 
|-
 
!The Mayor:
 
|[taking the mike] Uuhh. Freaks with big hearts! And now, le-
 
|-
 
!Nurse Gollum:
 
|Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out? [Sheila and the priest look betrayed] I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead, you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long. [the look is spreading] Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly or-I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other. [people are listening] And take those stupid things off your heads! [she turns and walks off the stage]
 
|-
 
!Principal Victoria:
 
|Oh, my. What an ungrateful bitch.
 
|-
 
!Sheila:
 
|Yyeehh, the nerve of some people!
 
|-
 
!Kyle:
 
|Hey, you know. That nurse is actually pretty cool.
 
|-
 
!Stan:
 
|Yeah. Maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.
 
|-
 
!Cartman:
 
|I love you guys. [Stan and Kyle merely look at him and say nothing] Ah, screw you guys.
 
|-
 
!
 
| class="scripttablehighlight"|[end of Conjoined Fetus Lady]
 
|}
 

Latest revision as of 06:29, 3 May 2023


The official script for "Conjoined Fetus Lady" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Conjoined Fetus Lady
South Park Elementary Gym.
Chef
Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball!
The class groans.
Kyle
We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
Stan
Yeah.
Chef
So let's have half the children on this side [To his right.] and half the children on that side. [To his left]
Team 1 walks to one side. The children groan.
Pip
[Uncertain.] Uhh... Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
Cartman
[With Clyde and Stan looking on.] What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
Pip
Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France--
Stan
Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball.
Pip
Oh, dear.
Stan
If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins.
Pip
Oh, what jolly good fun!
Kyle
No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school.
The teams are as follows:
Team 1: Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Annie, Butters, and Brimmy
Team 2: Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, Red, and Terrance.
Chef
[Blows his whistle.] Play ball!
Kevin takes the ball and chucks it at Stan's team. It hits Clyde.
Clyde
Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!
Kyle
Dammit, we lost one already!
Chef
Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.
Stan
Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup.
Annie (Jordan) and Butters (Swanson) pull forward as told to. Kevin throws again, and it hits Annie, causing her to scream and be knocked out.
Stan
We're losing men fast out here!
He and Kyle jump out of the way as the ball sails towards Brimmy, who falls and lets out a grunt of pain. The ball returns to the opposing team.
Chef
[Giggling.] Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the buhaw-hall!
Kevin serves again, and Kyle looks away as it comes towards him, amazingly Kyle opens his eyes to find the ball is in his hands.
Kyle
I caught it! I caught it!
Chef
Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!
Kyle
Here, Pip, you throw.
Kyle tosses the ball to Pip, who catches it.
Pip
Ugh... Oh, no, I couldn't.
Kyle
Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a little French pansy your whole life?
Pip
I'm not French--
Kyle
Throw the ball, you stupid frog!
Pip sets up to throw.
Kyle
Goddamn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants,
Angered, Pip throws the ball at him.
Kyle
you'd be able to-- Ow! [He falls.].
Chef
Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team.
Kyle
Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!
Cartman
Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you.
Pip
Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!
Chef
That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the nurse's office.
Fear strikes the kids.
Kyle
[Gasp.] No. No, it'll be okay!
Chef
Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. Come on.
Chef takes him by the hand, and leads him away to the nurse's office.
Kyle
Oh-- Noooo!
Cartman
[Ominously.] Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
Clyde
I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.
Bebe
I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
Cartman
Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?
Stan
[Somberly.] No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.
Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and run away. He looks up, and a door opens. Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight.
Nurse Gollum
Are you Kyle Broflovski?
She sounds friendly, but her shadow falls on him.
Kyle
Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum
I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?
Kyle
Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum
Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.
Kyle
I know.
Nurse Gollum
So open them.
She walks to her left, Kyle resists, then opens them.
Kyle
Oh! Phew.
Nurse Gollum
Now, what seems to be the problem?
Kyle
Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
Nurse Gollum
Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack.
She turns to face him, and a withered fetus comes into view. It is joined to her left temple and upper cheek.
Kyle
AAGGGGGHHHH!!
Nurse Gollum
What?
Kyle
OOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!!
Nurse Gollum
Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.
Kyle
AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen to Kyle's story.
Kyle
...And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.
Boys
Eewwww!
Cartman
Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?
Kyle
No. No-it looked dead.
Boys
Eewwww!
Stan
Wa-was it wearing clothes?
Kyle
Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?
Stan
Oh, yeah. Eeww.
Boys
Eewwww!
Kyle
And then she walked over to--
Sheila
Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called "conjoined twin myslexia".
Cartman
Who the hell cares what it's called? As long as she doesn't have to touch me...
Sheila
Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys.
They hop on the sofa. She sits in the middle and opens the book. Softly, she reads.
Sheila
You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese twins.
A picture of two adults attached by the side of the head is shown.
The Boys
Gross!
Sheila
But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached.
Stan is frightened.
Sheila
Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it!
Now, Cartman is frightened. He and Stan rush out of there.
Stan
AGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Cartman
AGGHHH! Let me live! AGGGHHH!
Sheila
So now that you're educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?
Kyle
Uhhhh... Yeah.
She leaves, and Kyle's eyes follow her. Then he looks forward, then at Kenny. Kenny cracks up.
The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads the newspaper.
Sheila
Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
Gerald
Mm-hmm.
Sheila
Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day...
Gerald
Mm-hmm.
The phone rings and Sheila answers.
Sheila
Hello?
Sharon
Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
Stan is screaming and running around the house.
Sheila
Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.
Sharon
Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
Randy chases him down.
Stan
No! I have to get it out!
Sheila
Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia.
Sharon
So this is your fault.
Stan
ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Randy
Dammit, stop.
Stan slips from his grasp and he falls.
Randy
Oh!
Gets up and chases him.
Randy
Dammit!
Sharon
Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead?
Click. Stan runs by again, still screaming and pursued by Randy. Sheila is left with a dial tone.
Sheila
[Undaunted.] That does it! I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!
Gerald
Mm-hmm.
South Park Elementary Gym.
Stan
[To Cartman.] Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing dodgeball again?
Cartman
Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
Chef
[Arriving with a letter.] Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
All
Awww...
Stan
Aw, do we have to?
Kyle
Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something?
Chef
You-you don't understand, children. If we can win State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!
Cartman
Heyh! They have a zoo there!
Chef
That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing to do!
The class separates into teams.
Stan
Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to State Finals?
Kyle
Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?
Pip
I'd love to!
Cartman
Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.
Pip
Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.
He turns and walks away.
Pip
And besides, I hate French people.
Chef blows the whistle to begin play. Fosse throws, and Bebe is beaned. The foursome look at her, then laugh while Pip observes.
Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and Sheila.
Principal Victoria
Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?
Sheila
Nothing is pissing me off! I just wanta start a movement.
Principal Victoria
O-of course you do.
Sheila
I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.
Principal Victoria and Mackey are surprised.
Mr. Mackey
Uh, Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a--
Sheila
No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of.
Principal Victoria
Oh, and uh, what disease is that?
Mr. Mackey
Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.
Principal Victoria
What's that?
Sheila
She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
Principal Victoria
[Gasp.] She does?
Mr. Mackey
Y-you never noticed that?
Principal Victoria
No-o, I never did.
Sheila
Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to us to make her feel comfortable and welcome in our town!
Principal Victoria
Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?
Sheila
I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.
Mr. Mackey
Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
Principal Victoria
Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around 8:00?
Sheila
Wonderful!
Principal Victoria
Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?
A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals.
Chef
[Rising.] Okay children. [Encouraging] Now, who's gonna win the State Finals?
The kids just look at him.
Clyde
Denver?
Chef

Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!
Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!

The kids just look at him. He looks back, then turns to Ms. Crabtree.
Chef
I think we need to get off on this exit.
Mrs. Crabtre
SIT DOWN, KID!!
Chef
But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way!
Ms. Crabtree
DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!
Chef
How many times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!
Ms. Crabtree
I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
Chef
[Sits down.] Yes, ma'am.
The kids arrive at Denver Elementary.
Stan
Whoa, dude, this is a school?
The crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd.
Bob Thomas
Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars.
He slaps Chef on the back.
Chef
I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
Bob Thomas
Well, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us, because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are.
Chef is pissed.
Bob Thomas
You're from South Park, yeah?
Chef
[In a low tone.] Yeah.
Bob Thomas
My G-hod, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful.
He slaps Chef on the back again and leaves. Chef wonders, then gets mad again as the whistle blows.
Referee
Play ball!
Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view.
Sheila
So, uhh, where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?
Nurse Gollum
Colorado State.
Sheila
Ahhh.
Principal Victoria
Oh.
They resume eating in silence.
Gerald
Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?
Sheila looks at Nurse Gollum, then glares at Gerald.
Gerald
I mean, gravy.
Sheila kicks him on the shins.
Gerald
Ow!
Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws the ball, and it hits Tolkien, who goes down.
Tolkien Black
Ow!
The Cougar fans cheer.
Chef
Dammit, come on!
Clyde, Butters, and Kevin are already out.
Chef
Somebody catch the ball!
Only Pip and the Boys remain.
Bob Thomas
All right, boys, just five more of the little bastards to go!
Player 1 serves again, and the ball hits Cartman in the belly where it gets stuck.
Cartman
I caught it, I caught it!
Player 1
Oh, that's not fair! He's so fat, it stuck in his belly!
Referee 2
South Park on offense!
Chef
Great job, children! Just stay focused now.
Kyle
Go for it, Pip.
Kyle tosses the ball over to Pip.
Pip
Oh, bother.
Kyle
Come on, you Frenchy little frog!
Pip
Gagghh!
Pip hurls the ball at the other team and knocks down players 1 and 13.
Chef
Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Great shot, Pip!
Back at Broflovski's.
Principal Victoria
Eh, sooo, I hear that the South Park Cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.
Mr. Mackey
Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though. The-the Denver team always wins, m'kay?
Gerald
Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win-- Heart!
Sheila
Gerald!
Sheila smacks him off his chair.
Sheila
Keep your damn mouth shut!
Nurse Gollum
I-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.
Sheila
[Exhales.] Please forgive us. I-I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum.
Nurse Gollum
No, I'm quite secure with it.
Sheila
I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you--
Nurse Gollum
They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.
Mr. Mackey
Could I get some more pork?
Principal Victoria
So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off?
Nurse Gollum
Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.
Principal Victoria
Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uh-how about a hat, then?
Nurse Gollum
No, really, I don't need a--
Sheila
Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day. No big whoop.
Nurse Gollum
I really appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm a pretty happy person.
Sheila
I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you.
Principal Victoria
Ooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. You know, that has a nice ring.
Nurse Gollum
But I really don't think--
Mr. Mackey
Th-the school could put out pamphlets, m'kay? And we could have seminars to educate, m'kay?
Sheila
Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now!
Sheila leaves with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. Nurse Gollum and Gerald look at each other. Gerald winces.
Meanwhile at the Dodgeball State Finals.
Chef
You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are State Champions.
Cartman
Yeah, and if you don't, you're a big dumb-ass European hippie piece of crap.
Pip gets pissed and winds up.
Kyle
Get him, Frenchy!
Pip
Gaagghh!
Pip hurls the ball across the court where it hits player 6 on the nose. The player goes down.
Referee 2
South Park wins!
Coach Thomas is in utter disbelief as the victory music plays.
Chef
We did it, children, we did it! We're going to Washington, D.C.!
Player 6
Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee!
A group of parents looks on as an injured player on the opposing team writhes on the floor in pain.
Player 6
It hur-hurts! Owieee!
Two clowns come out with a stretcher and place it next to him.
Player 6
Mommy, it huurts! I-it hur-hurts!
The clowns do a little jig, and the parents laugh. The clowns place him on the other side of the stretcher, then pick up the stretcher and walk away. The boy is left on the floor. The parents applaud.
Chef
Oh, sorry about whoopin' your ass there, Coach!

Oooh, baby, come on
Just whooped Denver's ass
Gonna need some cream for your ass
It's all swollen and red

Chef dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns to make sure Coach Thomas is watching.
Meanwhile, at the South Park Town Square.
Mayor McDaniels
Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Ms. Hermans has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School Dodgeball Team is going to the national finals...
The crowd cheers wildly.
Mayor McDaniels
...where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless by the Washington team.
The Broflovskis are not amused. The crowd quiets down.
Mayor McDaniels
But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease: conjoined twin myslexia. And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!
The crowd cheer louder.
Mayor McDaniels
And now, let's kick off our week long festivities with the first annual Grand Conjoined Parade!
More cheering. There are people on rooftops all over the square cheering as well.
Mayor McDaniels
Let's hear it for these brave souls!
The band starts playing festive music. The crowd cheers up and down as Nurse Gollum walks down the street, alone. She looks around and waves.
Mayor McDaniels
What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!
Nine men are shown, and they cheer back. Nurse Gollum is now next to Mayor McDaniels at the podium.
Nurse Gollum
You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That is my job.
Mayor McDaniels
[The mic is still on.] Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.
Somewhere near Washington, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely meadow.
Chef
How much further is Washington, D.C.?
Mrs. Crabtree
SIT DOWN, KID!!
Chef
I need to know how far it is, lady!
Mrs. Crabtree
I SAID SIT DOWN!!!
Chef
[Grumbling.] Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat hog.
Mrs. Crabtree
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Chef
I said, "I've always wanted to visit Prague."
Mrs. Crabtree
Oh, me too.
Clyde munches away.
Stan
[To Kyle.] Okay, what have you got?
Kyle
Some hadka fish, some gafagga...
Cartman
[Quickly.] I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!
Kenny pulls out a bone.
Stan
Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!
Stan takes one end of a short bungee cord while Cartman holds the other end.
Stan
Places!
Stan gives his end to Kyle and takes the jelly roll. He places the jelly roll in the makeshift slingshot, pulls back, and fires away. All three smile as the roll flies forward. It hits Mrs. Crabtree on the back of her head.
Ms. Crabtree
ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
She loses control of the bus as it careens down the road.
Kids
Whoa!
Kenny
(Sheesh!)
A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the ground five feet. Both front doors fall off.
Ulysses Grant Elementary. Inside, the gym is filled with championship banners going back to 1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls.
Chef
Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.
Stan
Chef, we're hungry.
Chef
You can eat after the game. You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
Cartman
My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
Chef
What?
Referee
Are you Chef?
Chef
Yeah.
Referee
The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions.
Chef
What? We did it! Children, we won!
Kyle
Wow, that was easy.
Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, the South Park Cows!
Everyone boos as Kyle rushes over to the opposing team.
Kyle
Hey, why did you guys forfeit?
Player
You mean you don't know?
Kyle
Know what?
Player
Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.
A temple scene comes up. A squad of Chinese kids are exercising as their master gives orders. Some of them are being acrobatic, others throw solid kettle-bells at each other.
Master
Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
Player
[Voice-over.] They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals.
Each kid is handed a bowling ball, which he or she throws against a brick wall. The wall crumbles further with every throw. The scene fades, and the foursome are standing there, awed.
Player
Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about.
He hops off and leaves as Chef comes over.
Chef
Okay, children, back in the bus.
South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting for the evening's events to unfold.
Mayor McDaniels
And so, at this honorary dinner we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison.
He starts up the player. He's in a nice tuxedo. Nurse Gollum is quite embarrassed as she sits with Sharon in the crowd.
Nurse Gollum
Oh, no..!
Singer
[The video begins.]

You've got the strength, you've got the courage
Even with a dead fetus on your head
You carry on
You fight for tomorrow
Dead fetus or no, you never let go
You're my conjoined-twin-dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman

Scenes from the video:
  • She's painting her house orange, and annoyed that Garrison is filming it.
  • She looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there, filming.
  • She's in her office.
  • She's at the supermarket, annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison would stop filming.
  • At the post office, she's trying to shoo him away, she's very angry that he's filming her.
  • She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged.
There are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause.
Barbrady
Oh, that was so touching.
Mayor McDaniels
[With envelope in hand.] And now, friends, it's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society. And the winner is... [Reaches into the envelope.]
Nurse Gollum
[Derisively.] Nurse Gollum.
Mayor McDaniels
Nurse Gollum!!
The room applauds and the spotlight moves from the Mayor to the nurse.
Nurse Gollum
Oh, boy.
Jimbo
[Interrupting.] Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in.
Jimbo takes the microphone.
Jimbo
Our South Park Cows have just beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China.
The crowd erupts in applause, meanwhile somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope.
Chef
Okay, children, now, we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game.
Stan
But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!
Chef
Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions.
Kyle
But we could get killed!
Chef
And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?
Stan and Kyle fall silent.
Chef
Just imagine: a big yellow "Dodgeball Champions" banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!
Stan
Dude, Chef has lost it.
Chef
You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at. Ohh, children, it'll be glorious!
Cartman
So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh?
Chef looks at him.
Kyle
Dude, what does that mean?
Cartman
I dunno.
Stan
Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?
Kevin looks back.
Kyle
Yeah, you're from China.
Kevin Stoley
No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.
Stan
Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
Kevin
I have no idea, dude.
Cartman
Come on, rice picker!
Chef
Hey, hey hey!
Cartman hides his hands.
Chef
Children, that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.
Stan
You don't?
Kyle
But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.
Chef
No, no, no, no, no, that's different. I made fun of them because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it is okay to make fun of foreigners because they are from another country.
Stan, Kyle
Ohhh.
Cartman
[At the same time.] Oooh, I get it.
Kevin
[Vindicated.] Yeah.
The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that reads: Go Cows!
Mrs. Crabtree
[Slamming on the brakes.] AAAGGGGHHHH!
Chinese commentator
Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn American friend. Now let the...
He thumps the table, and his partner's mic falls.
Chinese commentator
...champion of dodgeball be deshide!
His partner resets the mic, a muscular man bangs away on a kodo drum, and musicians next to him start playing. The crowd cheers, and dancers come up and unfurl streamers.
Stan
Damn, dude. China's fucked up.
Referee
Take places!
Chef
All right, let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've got!
Chinese commentator
Okay, Tom, rooks rike A-mericans are getting ready to play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes!
They laugh.
Tom
Yeah. Good thing they have those big eyes so that they don't have to rery on that amazing American interrect.
He laughs.
Chinese commentator
Oh, you say such things.
Tom
That's a zinger!
Referee
Praaayyy braal!
The Chinese serve. The first one out is Clyde, who tumbles all the way to the wall.
Chef
Holy crap..!
Kyle is hit, twice, before he goes down.
Chef
Goddamn...
Chinese commentator
Hey, hey, what do you call white American person with PhD in a physics and-a math?
Tom
Ah, I don't know. What?
Chinese commentator
Stupid American!
He laughs.
Tom
Aw, no way!!
Tom starts laughing.
A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away.
Chinese commentator
Oooh, another American is down! It's numbuh-- uuhhh... Oh, I don't know. All American look alike!
They laugh, as a Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers.
Stan
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle
[Laying on his side and out of breath.] You... bastards...
Chinese commentator
Oooh, my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln!
He chuckles.
Tom
Dude, that is-a not cool! You're gonna get us into trouble again.
South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again.
Mayor McDaniels
Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China.
The town cheers.
Mayor McDaniels
Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin Myslexia hats!
One of her aides passes out the hats as an organ plays. Nurse Gollum just watches.
Meanwhile, in China, at the Temple, Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is hooked up to an IV. The other players are bandaged up according to the severity of their injuries.
Chinese commentator
And there is-a only a one South Park prayer left.
Pip stands alone on the court, Kenny is still plastered to the wall behind him.
Chinese commentator
Still all Chinese prayer. This should be over veerry shortly.
Chinese kid
Come on! Throw ball!
Tom
Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation of American?
Chinese commentator
Yeah, yeah!
Tom
Ah, okay.
Tom puts his hands to his eyelids and opens them wide to simulate American eyes, and talks in a deep voice.
Tom
Hey, I really, really want that. That looks good.
They have a good laugh.
Chinese commentator
Hey, hey. Let me try, let me try.
He sets up with a deep voice.
Chinese commentator
I'll use my credit card.
They laugh harder, and he resumes.
Chinese commentator
Eh-eh-uh... Do you have any non-dairy creamer?
They both laugh.
Tom
Yes yes! [Laughs.] Y'all come a-back now, you hear?
They laugh so hard they fall from their chairs.
Chef
[Crestfallen.] Oh, what have I done?
Cartman comes over and sits next to him.
Chef
You know, Eric, I just realized something. I have been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.
Cartman bites into a chocolate bar.
Chef
If we had won the world championship, what then?
Kevin walks off.
Chef
It would only be a bigger letdown the next year if we didn't win! Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine before.
Cartman farts and tries to fan it away.
Chef
Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me?
The kids are stunned at this sudden reversal of desire.
Chef
Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home.
Chinese kid
Come on! Throw ball!
Kevin
[Walking over to player 70.] Hey, if you wanna make him throw the ball, say this.
Kevin hands him a note to read.
Player 70
Thanks, you American dumbass! [Reads it.] "You French piece of crap! Throw ball!"
Pip gets angry.
Player 70
"What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears."
The Chinese team laughs. Pip gets livid rather quickly.
Pip
Arrggghhh!
Pip starts spinning. The Chinese team watches as Pip picks up speed, and the players gasp. Pip releases the ball and it shoots all over the temple stadium, knocking out players left and right, until all of them are down. Pip slows down, and finally stops.
Chinese commentator
And the winner is South Park Cows!
Musicians play.
Pip
Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day!
The South Park team is limping off the court, with Kyle taking his IV along.
Chef
Shut up, Pip.
Stan
Yeah, shut up, Pip. [To Chef.] Can we go home now?
Pip
Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was--
Kids, Chef
Shut up, Pip!
South Park Town Square. The mayor is on stage.
Mayor McDaniels
As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.
The crowd cheers.
Mayor McDaniels
Now, let's hear it one more time for our world champion South Park Cows!
The team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, next to Chef. Kyle is dressed normally but still bandaged.
Kyle
What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads?
Mayor McDaniels
And now, let's hear from the woman of the week! The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!
Kyle
Agghh!
Stan
Dude, it's the freak nurse!
Cartman
Holy crap!
Sheila
Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that kind of behavior!
Kyle
Well sorry, dude, we weren't here.
Nurse Gollum
Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I... I don't know what to say; this has been quite a week.
Sheila
[Wiping away a tear.] She's really touched.
Nurse Gollum
What I really wanna say is... well, -egh-- This may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but... you're all a bunch of freaks!
The crowd is stunned, Mayor McDaniels takes the mic from Nurse Gollum.
Mayor McDaniels
Uhhh, freaks with big hearts! And now--
Nurse Gollum
Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out?
Sheila and Father Maxi look betrayed.
Nurse Gollum
I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long.
More people look at each other.
Nurse Gollum
Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly. I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other.
People are listening.
Nurse Gollum
And take those stupid things off your heads!
She turns and walks off the stage.
Principal Victoria
Oh, my, what an ungrateful bitch.
Sheila
Yeah, the nerve of some people.
Kyle
Hey, you know, that nurse is actually pretty cool.
Stan
Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.
Cartman
I love you guys.
Stan and Kyle merely look at him and say nothing.
Cartman
Ah, screw you guys!
End of Conjoined Fetus Lady


  205: "Conjoined Fetus Lady" edit
Story Elements

Nurse GollumChinaChinese Dodgeball PlayersMs. Herman • "Dodgeball Song" • "Conjoined Twin Song" •

Media

ImagesScriptExtrasWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season