Conjoined Fetus Lady/Script

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The official script for "Conjoined Fetus Lady" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Pip Pirrip
• Bebe Stevens
• Clyde Donovan
• Mr. Mackey
• Sheila Broflovski
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sharon Marsh
• Randy Marsh
• Chef
• Ms. Crabtree
• Nurse Gollum
• Principal Victoria
• Token Black
• Officer Barbrady
• Jimbo Kern
• Bob Thomas
• The Denver Cougars
• Kevin Stoley
• Chinese commentators
• The Chinese Dodgeball Team

Script

Conjoined Fetus Lady
	South Park Elementary Gym.
Chef	Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball!
	The class groans.
Kyle	We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
Stan	Yeah.
Chef	So let's have half the children on this side [To his right.] and half the children on that side. [To his left]
	Team 1 walks to one side. The children groan.
Pip	[Uncertain.] Uhh... Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
Cartman	[With Clyde and Stan looking on.] What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
Pip	Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France--
Stan	Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball.
Pip	Oh, dear.
Stan	If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins.
Pip	Oh, what jolly good fun!
Kyle	No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school.
	The teams are as follows: Team 1: Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Jordan, Swanson, and the boy with the blue cap Team 2: Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, Red, and Terrance.
Chef	[Blows his whistle.] Play ball!
	Kevin takes the ball and chucks it at Stan's team. It hits Clyde.
Clyde	Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!
Stan	Dammit, we lost one already!
Chef	Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.
Stan	Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup.
	Jordan and Swanson pull forward as told to. Kevin throws again, and it hits Jordan, causing her to scream and be knocked out.
Stan	We're losing men fast out here!
	He and Kyle jump out of the way as the ball sails towards the boy with the blue cap. The boy falls and lets out a grunt of pain. The ball returns to the opposing team.
Chef	[Giggling.] Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the buhaw-hall!
	Kevin serves again, and Kyle looks away as it comes towards him, amazingly Kyle opens his eyes to find the ball is in his hands.
Kyle	I caught it! I caught it!
Chef	Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!
Kyle	Here, Pip, you throw.
	Kyle tosses the ball to Pip, who catches it.
Pip	Ugh... Oh, no, I couldn't.
Kyle	Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a little French pansy your whole life?
Pip	I'm not French--
Kyle	Throw the ball, you stupid frog!
	Pip sets up to throw.
Kyle	God-damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants,
	Angered, Pip throws the ball at him.
Kyle	you'd be able to-- Ow! [He falls.].
Chef	Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team.
Kyle	Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!
Cartman	Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you.
Pip	Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!
Chef	That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the nurse's office.
	Fear strikes the kids.
Kyle	[Gasp.] No. No, it'll be okay!
Chef	Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. Come on.
	Chef takes him by the hand, and leads him away to the nurse's office.
Kyle	Oh-- Noooo!
Cartman	[Ominously.] Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
Clyde	I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.
Bebe	I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
Cartman	Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?
Stan	[Somberly.] No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.
	Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and run away. He looks up, and a door opens. Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight.
Nurse Gollum	Are you Kyle Broflovski?
	She sounds friendly, but her shadow falls on him.
Kyle	Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum	I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?
Kyle	Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum	Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.
Kyle	I know.
Nurse Gollum	So open them.
	She walks to her left, Kyle resists, then opens them.
Kyle	Oh! Phew.
Nurse Gollum	Now, what seems to be the problem?
Kyle	Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
Nurse Gollum	Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack.
	She turns to face him, and a withered fetus comes into view. It is joined to her left temple and upper cheek.
Kyle	AAGGGGGHHHH!!
Nurse Gollum	What?
Kyle	OOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!!
Nurse Gollum	Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.
Kyle	AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
	After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen to Kyle's story.
Kyle	...And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.
Boys	Eewwww!
Cartman	Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?
Kyle	No. No-it looked dead.
Boys	Eewwww!
Stan	Wa-was it wearing clothes?
Kyle	Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?
Stan	Oh, yeah. Eeww.
Boys	Eewwww!
Kyle	And then she walked over to--
Sheila	Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called "conjoined twin myslexia".
Cartman	Who the hell cares what it's called? As long as she doesn't have to touch me...
Sheila	Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys.
	They hop on the sofa. She sits in the middle and opens the book. Softly, she reads.
Sheila	You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese twins.
	A picture of two adults attached by the side of the head is shown.
The Boys	Gross!
Sheila	But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached.
	Stan is frightened.
Sheila	Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it!
	Now, Cartman is frightened. He and Stan rush out of there.
Stan	AGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Cartman	AGGHHH! Let me live! AGGGHHH!
Sheila	So now that you're educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?
Kyle	Uhhhh... Yeah.
	She leaves, and Kyle's eyes follow her. Then he looks forward, then at Kenny. Kenny cracks up.
	The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads the newspaper.
Sheila	Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
Gerald	Mm-hmm.
Sheila	Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day...
Gerald	Mm-hmm.
	The phone rings and Sheila answers.
Sheila	Hello?
Sharon	Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
	Stan is screaming and running around the house.
Sheila	Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.
Sharon	Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
	Randy chases him down.
Stan	No! I have to get it out!
Sheila	Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia.
Sharon	So this is your fault.
Stan	ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Randy	Damn it, stop.
	Stan slips from his grasp and he falls.
Randy	Oh!
	Gets up and chases him.
Randy	Damn it!
Sharon	Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead?
	Click. Stan runs by again, still screaming and pursued by Randy. Sheila is left with a dial tone.
Sheila	[Undaunted.] That does it! I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!
Gerald	Mm-hmm.
	South Park Elementary Gym.
Stan	[To Cartman.] Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing dodgeball again?
Cartman	Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
Chef	[Arriving with a letter.] Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
All	Awww...
Stan	Aw, do we have to?
Kyle	Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something?
Chef	You-you don't understand, children. If we can win State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!
Cartman	Heyh! They have a zoo there!
Chef	That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing to do!
	The class separates into teams.
Stan	Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to State Finals?
Kyle	Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?
Pip	I'd love to!
Cartman	Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.
Pip	Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.
	He turns and walks away.
Pip	And besides, I hate French people.
	Chef blows the whistle to begin play. Fosse throws, and Bebe is beaned. The foursome look at her, then laugh while Pip observes.
	Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and Sheila.
Principal Victoria	Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?
Sheila	Nothing is pissing me off! I just wanta start a movement.
Principal Victoria	O-of course you do.
Sheila	I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.
	Principal Victoria and Mackey are surprised.
Mr. Mackey	Uh, Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a--
Sheila	No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of.
Principal Victoria	Oh, and uh, what disease is that?
Mr. Mackey	Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.
Principal Victoria	What's that?
Sheila	She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
Principal Victoria	[Gasp.] She does?
Mr. Mackey	Y-you never noticed that?
Principal Victoria	No-o, I never did.
Sheila	Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to us to make her feel comfortable and welcome in our town!
Principal Victoria	Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?
Sheila	I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.
Mr. Mackey	Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
Principal Victoria	Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around 8:00?
Sheila	Wonderful!
Principal Victoria	Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?
	A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals.
Chef	[Rising.] Okay children. [Encouraging] Now, who's gonna win the State Finals?
	The kids just look at him.
Clyde	Denver?
Chef	Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh! Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!
	The kids just look at him. He looks back, then turns to Ms. Crabtree.
Chef	I think we need to get off on this exit.
Mrs. Crabtre	SIT DOWN, KID!!
Chef	But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way!
Ms. Crabtree	DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!
Chef	How many times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!
Ms. Crabtree	I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
Chef	[Sits down.] Yes, ma'am.
	The kids arrive at Denver Elementary.
Stan	Whoa, dude, this is a school?
	The crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd.
Bob Thomas	Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars.
	He slaps Chef on the back.
Chef	I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
Bob Thomas	Well, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us, because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are.
	Chef is pissed.
Bob Thomas	You're from South Park, yeah?
Chef	[In a low tone.] Yeah.
Bob Thomas	My G-hod, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful.
	He slaps Chef on the back again and leaves. Chef wonders, then gets mad again as the whistle blows.
Referee	Play ball!
	Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view.
Sheila	So, uhh, where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?
Nurse Gollum	Colorado State.
Sheila	Ahhh.
Principal Victoria	Oh.
	They resume eating in silence.
Gerald	Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?
	Sheila looks at Nurse Gollum, then glares at Gerald.
Gerald	I mean, gravy.
	Sheila kicks him on the shins.
Gerald	Ow!
	Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws the ball, and it hits Token, who goes down.
Token Black	Ow!
	The Cougar fans cheer.
Chef	Dammit, come on!
	Clyde, Swanson, and Kevin are already out.
Chef	Somebody catch the ball!
	Only Pip and the Boys remain.
Bob Thomas	All right, boys, just five more of the little bastards to go!
	Player 1 serves again, and the ball hits Cartman in the belly where it gets stuck.
Cartman	I caught it, I caught it!
Player 1	Oh, that's not fair! He's so fat, it stuck in his belly!
Referee 2	South Park on offense!
Chef	Great job, children! Just stay focused now.
Kyle	Go for it, Pip.
	Kyle tosses the ball over to Pip.
Pip	Oh, bother.
Kyle	Come on, you Frenchy little frog!
Pip	Gagghh!
	Pip hurls the ball at the other team and knocks down players 1 and 13.
Chef	Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Great shot, Pip!
	Back at Broflovski's.
Principal Victoria	Eh, sooo, I hear that the South Park Cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.
Mr. Mackey	Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though. The-the Denver team always wins, m'kay?
Gerald	Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win-- Heart!
Sheila	Gerald!
	Sheila smacks him off his chair.
Shiela	Keep your damn mouth shut!
Nurse Gollum	I-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.
Sheila	[Exhales.] Please forgive us. I-I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum.
Nurse Gollum	No, I'm quite secure with it.
Sheila	I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you--
Nurse Gollum	They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.
Mr. Mackey	Could I get some more pork?
Principal Victoria	So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off?
Nurse Gollum	Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.
Principal Victoria	Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uh-how about a hat, then?
Nurse Gollum	No, really, I don't need a--
Sheila	Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day. No big whoop.
Nurse Gollum	I really appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm a pretty happy person.
Sheila	I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you.
Principal Victoria	Ooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. You know, that has a nice ring.
Nurse Gollum	But I really don't think--
Mr. Mackey	Th-the school could put out pamphlets, m'kay? And we could have seminars to educate, m'kay?
Sheila	Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now!
	Sheila leaves with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. Nurse Gollum and Gerald look at each other. Gerald winces.
	Meanwhile at the Dodgeball State Finals.
Chef	You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are State Champions.
Cartman	Yeah, and if you don't, you're a big dumb-ass European hippie piece of crap.
	Pip gets pissed and winds up.
Kyle	Get him, Frenchy!
Pip	Gaagghh!
	Pip hurls the ball across the court where it hits player 6 on the nose. The player goes down.
Referee 2	South Park wins!
	Coach Thomas is in utter disbelief as the victory music plays.
Chef	We did it, children, we did it! We're going to Washington, D.C.!
Player 6	Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee!
	A group of parents looks on as an injured player on the opposing team writhes on the floor in pain.
Player 6	It hur-hurts! Owieee!
	Two clowns come out with a stretcher and place it next to him.
Player 6	Mommy, it huurts! I-it hur-hurts!
	The clowns do a little jig, and the parents laugh. The clowns place him on the other side of the stretcher, then pick up the stretcher and walk away. The boy is left on the floor. The parents applaud.
Chef	Oh, sorry about whoopin' your ass there, Coach! Oooh, baby, come on Just whooped Denver's ass Gonna need some cream for your ass It's all swollen and red
	Chef dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns to make sure Coach Thomas is watching.
	Meanwhile, at the South Park Town Square.
Mayor McDaniels	Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Ms. Hermans has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School Dodgeball Team is going to the national finals...
	The crowd cheers wildly.
Mayor McDaniels	...where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless by the Washington team.
	The Broflovskis are not amused. The crowd quiets down.
Mayor McDaniels	But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease: conjoined twin myslexia. And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!
	The crowd cheer louder.
Mayor McDaniels	And now, let's kick off our week long festivities with the first annual Grand Conjoined Parade!
	More cheering. There are people on rooftops all over the square cheering as well.
Mayor McDaniels	Let's hear it for these brave souls!
	The band starts playing festive music. The crowd cheers up and down as Nurse Gollum walks down the street, alone. She looks around and waves.
Mayor McDaniels	What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!
	Nine men are shown, and they cheer back. Nurse Gollum is now next to Mayor McDaniels at the podium.
Nurse Gollum	You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That is my job.
Mayor McDaniels	[The mic is still on.] Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.
	Somewhere near Washington, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely meadow.
Chef	How much further is Washington, D.C.?
Mrs. Crabtree	SIT DOWN, KID!!
Chef	I need to know how far it is, lady!
Mrs. Crabtree	I SAID SIT DOWN!!!
Chef	[Grumbling.] Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat hog.
Mrs. Crabtree	WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Chef	I said, "I've always wanted to visit Prague."
Mrs. Crabtree	Oh, me too.
	Clyde munches away.
Stan	[To Kyle.] Okay, what have you got?
Kyle	Some hadka fish, some gafagga...
Cartman	[Quickly.] I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!
	Kenny pulls out a bone.
Stan	Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!
	Stan takes one end of a short bungee cord while Cartman holds the other end.
Stan	Places!
	Stan gives his end to Kyle and takes the jelly roll. He places the jelly roll in the makeshift slingshot, pulls back, and fires away. All three smile as the roll flies forward. It hits Mrs. Crabtree on the back of her head.
Ms. Crabtree	ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
	She loses control of the bus as it careens down the road.
Kids	Whoa!
Kenny	(Sheesh!)
	A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the ground five feet. Both front doors fall off.
	Ulysses Grant Elementary. Inside, the gym is filled with championship banners going back to 1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls.
Chef	Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.
Stan	Chef, we're hungry.
Chef	You can eat after the game. You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
Cartman	My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
Chef	What?
Referee	Are you Chef?
Chef	Yeah.
Referee	The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions.
Chef	What? We did it! Children, we won!
Kyle	Wow, that was easy.
Announcer	Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, the South Park Cows!
	Everyone boos as Kyle rushes over to the opposing team.
Kyle	Hey, why did you guys forfeit?
Player	You mean you don't know?
Kyle	Know what?
Player	Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.
	A temple scene comes up. A squad of Chinese kids are exercising as their master gives orders. Some of them are being acrobatic, others throw solid kettle-bells at each other.
Master	Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
Player	[Voice-over.] They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals.
	Each kid is handed a bowling ball, which he or she throws against a brick wall. The wall crumbles further with every throw. The scene fades, and the foursome are standing there, awed.
Player	Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about.
	He hops off and leaves as Chef comes over.
Chef	Okay, children, back in the bus.
	South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting for the evening's events to unfold.
Mayor McDaniels	And so, at this honorary dinner we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison.
	He starts up the player. He's in a nice tuxedo. Nurse Gollum is quite embarrassed as she sits with Sharon in the crowd.
Nurse Gollum	Oh, no..!
Singer	[The video begins.] You've got the strength, you've got the courage Even with a dead fetus on your head You carry on You fight for tomorrow Dead fetus or no, you never let go You're my conjoined-twin-dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman
	Scenes from the video: She's painting her house orange, and annoyed that Garrison is filming it. She looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there, filming. She's in her office. She's at the supermarket, annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison would stop filming. At the post office, she's trying to shoo him away, she's very angry that he's filming her. She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged.
	There are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause.
Barbrady	Oh, that was so touching.
Mayor McDaniels	[With envelope in hand.] And now, friends, it's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society. And the winner is... [Reaches into the envelope.]
Nurse Gollum	[Derisively.] Nurse Gollum.
Mayor McDaniels	Nurse Gollum!!
	The room applauds and the spotlight moves from the Mayor to the nurse.
Nurse Gollum	Oh, boy.
Jimbo	[Interrupting.] Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in.
	Jimbo takes the microphone.
Jimbo	Our South Park Cows have just beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China.
	The crowd erupts in applause, meanwhile somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope.
Chef	Okay, children, now, we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game.
Stan	But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!
Chef	Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions.
Kyle	But we could get killed!
Chef	And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?
	Stan and Kyle fall silent.
Chef	Just imagine: a big yellow "Dodgeball Champions" banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!
Stan	Dude, Chef has lost it.
Chef	You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at. Ohh, children, it'll be glorious!
Cartman	So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh?
	Chef looks at him.
Kyle	Dude, what does that mean?
Cartman	I dunno.
Stan	Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?
	Kevin looks back.
Kyle	Yeah, you're from China.
Kevin Stoley	No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.
Stan	Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
Kevin	I have no idea, dude.
Cartman	Come on, rice picker!
Chef	Hey, hey hey!
	Cartman hides his hands.
Chef	Children, that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.
Stan	You don't?
Kyle	But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.
Chef	No, no, no, no, no, that's different. I made fun of them because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it is okay to make fun of foreigners because they are from another country.
Stan, Kyle	Ohhh.
Cartman	[At the same time.] Oooh, I get it.
Kevin	[Vindicated.] Yeah.
	The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that reads: Go Cows!
Mrs. Crabtree	[Slamming on the brakes.] AAAGGGGHHHH!
Chinese Commentator	Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn American friend. Now let the...
	He thumps the table, and his partner's mic falls.
Chinese Commentator	...champion of dodgeball be deshide!
	His partner resets the mic, a muscular man bangs away on a kodo drum, and musicians next to him start playing. The crowd cheers, and dancers come up and unfurl streamers.
Stan	Damn, dude. China's fucked up.
Referee	Take places!
Chef	All right, let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've got!
Chinese Commentator	Okay, Tom, rooks rike A-mericans are getting ready to play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes!
	They laugh.
Tom	Yeah. Good thing they have those big eyes so that they don't have to rery on that amazing American interrect.
	He laughs.
Chinese Commentator	Oh, you say such things.
Tom	That's a zinger!
Referee	Praaayyy braal!
	The Chinese serve. The first one out is Clyde, who tumbles all the way to the wall.
Chef	Holy crap..!
	Kyle is hit, twice, before he goes down.
Chef	God damn...
Chinese Commentator	Hey, hey, what do you call white American person with PhD in a physics and-a math?
Tom	Ah, I don't know. What?
Chinese Commentator	Stupid American!
	He laughs.
Tom	Aw, no way!!
	Tom starts laughing.
	A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away.
Chinese Commentator	Oooh, another American is down! It's numbuh-- uuhhh... Oh, I don't know. All American look alike!
	They laugh, as a Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers.
Stan	Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle	[Laying on his side and out of breath.] You... bastards...
Chinese Commentator	Oooh, my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln!
	He chuckles.
Tom	Dude, that is-a not cool! You're gonna get us into trouble again.
	South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again.
Mayor McDaniels	Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China.
	The town cheers.
Mayor McDaniels	Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin Myslexia hats!
	One of her aides passes out the hats as an organ plays. Nurse Gollum just watches.
	Meanwhile, in China, at the Temple, Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is hooked up to an IV. The other players are bandaged up according to the severity of their injuries.
Chinese Commentator	And there is-a only a one South Park prayer left.
	Pip stands alone on the court, Kenny is still plastered to the wall behind him.
Chinese Commentator	Still all Chinese prayer. This should be over veerry shortly.
Chinese kid	Come on! Throw ball!
Tom	Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation of American?
Chinese Commentator	Yeah, yeah!
Tom	Ah, okay.
	Tom puts his hands to his eyelids and opens them wide to simulate American eyes, and talks in a deep voice.
Tom	Hey, I really, really want that. That looks good.
	They have a good laugh.
Chinese Commentator	Hey, hey. Let me try, let me try.
	He sets up with a deep voice.
Chinese Commentator	I'll use my credit card.
	They laugh harder, and he resumes.
Chinese Commentator	Eh-eh-uh... Do you have any non-dairy creamer?
	They both laugh.
Tom	Yes yes! [Laughs.] Y'all come a-back now, you hear?
	They laugh so hard they fall from their chairs.
Chef	[Crestfallen.] Oh, what have I done?
	Cartman comes over and sits next to him.
Chef	You know, Eric, I just realized something. I have been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.
	Cartman bites into a chocolate bar.
Chef	If we had won the world championship, what then?
	Kevin walks off.
Chef	It would only be a bigger letdown the next year if we didn't win! Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine before.
	Cartman farts and tries to fan it away.
Chef	Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me?
	The kids are stunned at this sudden reversal of desire.
Chef	Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home.
Chinese kid	Come on! Throw ball!
Kevin	[Walking over to player 70.] Hey, if you wanna make him throw the ball, say this.
	Kevin hands him a note to read.
Player 70	Thanks, you American dumbass! [Reads it.] "You French piece of crap! Throw ball!"
	Pip gets angry.
Player 70	"What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears."
	The Chinese team laughs. Pip gets livid rather quickly.
Pip	Arrggghhh!
	Pip starts spinning. The Chinese team watches as Pip picks up speed, and the players gasp. Pip releases the ball and it shoots all over the temple stadium, knocking out players left and right, until all of them are down. Pip slows down, and finally stops.
Chinese Commentator	And the winner is South Park Cows!
	Musicians play.
Pip	Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day!
	The South Park team is limping off the court, with Kyle taking his IV along.
Chef	Shut up, Pip.
Stan	Yeah, shut up, Pip. [To Chef.] Can we go home now?
Pip	Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was--
Kids, Chef	Shut up, Pip!
	South Park Town Square. The Mayor is on stage.
Mayor McDaniels	As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.
	The crowd cheers.
Mayor McDaniels	Now, let's hear it one more time for our world champion South Park Cows!
	The team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, next to Chef. Kyle is dressed normally but still bandaged.
Kyle	What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads?
Mayor McDaniels	And now, let's hear from the woman of the week! The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!
Kyle	Agghh!
Stan	Dude, it's the freak nurse!
Cartman	Holy crap!
Sheila	Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that kind of behavior!
Kyle	Well sorry, dude, we weren't here.
Nurse Gollum	Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I... I don't know what to say; this has been quite a week.
Sheila	[Wiping away a tear.] She's really touched.
Nurse Gollum	What I really wanna say is... well, -egh-- This may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but... you're all a bunch of freaks!
	The crowd is stunned, Mayor McDaniels takes the mic from Nurse Gollum.
Mayor McDaniels	Uhhh, freaks with big hearts! And now--
Nurse Gollum	Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out?
	Sheila and Father Maxi look betrayed.
Nurse Gollum	I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long.
	More people look at each other.
Nurse Gollum	Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly. I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other.
	People are listening.
Nurse gollum	And take those stupid things off your heads!
	She turns and walks off the stage.
Principal Victoria	Oh, my, what an ungrateful bitch.
Sheila	Yeah, the nerve of some people.
Kyle	Hey, you know, that nurse is actually pretty cool.
Stan	Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.
Cartman	I love you guys.
	Stan and Kyle merely look at him and say nothing.
Cartman	Ah, screw you guys!
End of Conjoined Fetus Lady