Cock Magic/Script

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Script

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"Cock Magic/Script"

"#REHASH/Script"

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Butters Stotch
• Kenny McCormick
• Craig Tucker
• Jimmy Valmer
• Wendy Testaburger
• Girl 1
• Girl 2
• Girl 3
• Herbert Garrison
• Tuong Lu Kim
• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Shelly Marsh
• Stuart McCormick
• Detective Harris
• Cock Magic Ring Announcer
• Girls' Volleyball Coach
• ESPN announcer
• ESPN host
• Head
• Mitchell
• Kindergarten boy
• Kindergartner Girl with Brown Pigtails
• Birthday Party Parents
• Panda Express manager
• Slaughterhouse
• Cock Magic Promoter
• Referee
• Spectator 1
• Spectator 2
• Spectator 3
• Voice/breeder

Script

Cock Magic
	South Park Elementary hallway, day. The students are going about their business when several girls arrive with fliers in hand.
Girl 1	[handing out fliers] Hey guys. [Clyde takes one] Thanks. Support your team? Thank you. Hey guys. Did you get one of these? [walks up to Cartman and Craig] Hope you can make it.
Cartman	[takes a flier] What's this?
Girl 1	The girls' volleyball team has a big game tonight and we're just asking for people to come cheer us on.
Cartman	[looks at Craig.] Girls volleyball? [they both laugh at the thought] Uhhh, sorry, we're actually busy.
Girl 2	What's wrong with supporting girls' athletics?!
Cartman	Dude, girls should totally be allowed to play sports, you just can't expect people to want to watch. Okay? [hands the flier back to girl 1] All right.
Girl 3	[walks up to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] You know, we're actually in the playoffs, and all we keep hearing is "We're too busy."
Kyle	But we actually are busy. Tonight's the big fight.
Girl 3	What fight?
Stan	Dude, Kenny is fighting Slaughterhouse tonight. I mean, no offense, but, we're not gonna miss the fight for... girls' volleyball. [he, Kenny, and Kyle laugh]
Cartman	Yeah so, sorry you're not getting any spectators, but there's hardcore dude shit to watch.
	A shop in South Park. A board on the sidewalk says "Magic the Gathering Tournament Today." Inside, Kenny and a heavy-set player, Slaughterhouse, are sat at a table already playing against each other, The player shuffles his cards around looking for the best ones to play
Slaughterhouse	Alright, I'm going to play a fifth mana card... and then I'm going to attack with my Elderbeast- hold on. Wait. Hold on.
Kyle	Can Kenny block his Elderbeast?
Stan	Not with his Shapeshifter. It already attacked.
Cartman	This asshole needs to make a move already!
Referee	Quiet in the peanut gallery, please.
Slaughterhouse	I am attacking, but with a newly summoned Spark Ghast who has Trample. Four damage to your planeswalker.
Boys	Ohhhh!
Butters	Oh no! Kenny!
Stan	Shhh!
Butters	But he's dying! [Kenny lays down a card]
Stan	What's that?
Cartman	He's playing an enchantment.
Stan	This late?
Kyle	He just stacked his Shapeshifter with an Elven Blade!
Slaughterhouse	I can block that with Uprooted Minotaur. [Kenny lays down his next card]
Boys	Ohhhh!
Referee	Serendib Sorcerer unblocked. Winner: McCormick!
Boys	Yeeahhh!
Slaughterhouse	Nnoohhh!
	South Park Elementary, day. Cartman recounts the previous day's events to the kids in the hallway. In the distance, a new janitor listens in while mopping the floor
Cartman	Dude, it was complete brutality!
Kyle	You've never seen anything so ruthless!
Stan	It was seriously almost hard to watch. [Wendy appears in the distance and walks over to the boys]
Cartman	At one point, Kenny actually polymorphed the dude into a blue frog with an instant attack card. It was carnage, bro!
Stan	[sees Wendy] Wendy, did you hear about last night?
Wendy	Yeah, I heard the girls' volleyball team won by like 20 points.
Stan	Not that. Did you actually go to that?
Wendy	Yeah. You should show your support too sometime.
Stan	Pfft, whatever.
Cartman	Dude, I don't think people are appreciating this! [the janitor finally looks at the group] It was such pwnage it was almost repulsive!
Janitor	Hey! Pssst! [the boys see him] Come over here. [the boys walk over to him while the other kids disperse] You guys like hard-core stuff, huh?
Cartman	Yeah we like hardcore stuff, we're fuckin' dudes, bro.
Janitor	Yeah well, you boys wanna get in on some real action? If you like excitement. I'm not talkin' about the little boys stuff. I'm talkin' about real man shit.
Stan	We're men.
Janitor	Well then, if you wanna see REAL fights with REAL brutality, go here. [hands them a sheet of paper with an address on it, and Kyle steps forward to take it] This is the underground stuff, so keep it quiet. [turns right and leaves] And you might wanna pack a barf bag.
Cartman	[steps forward and watches him leave] Kewwwl!
	South Park After Dark. The boys walk to a familiar place.
Kyle	Should be the next one. 2778 Mala Vista Drive. Wait, this is City Wok.
Cartman	What's hardcore and exciting about Shitty shrimp? [they approach the doors]
Kyle	It doesn't even look like they're open. [tugs and knocks at the doors]
Mr. Tuong	[unlocks the doors and answers them] We crosed! We crosed for the night! Go away prease! [waves them away]
Stan	Uhhh, Mitchell the Janitor sent us?
Mr. Lu Kim	You purice?
Kenny	(What?)
Cartman	Dude, do we look like police?
Mr. Lu Kim	Okay, come on, come on, five dorrah, five dorrah each! Come on, five dorrah!
Cartman	Five dorrah?! [Mr. Lu Kim hushes them quickly and leads them to the back room, which leads to the basement. Lu Kim opens the basement door]
Mr. Lu Kim	You go down! Go down, find seat! We in sixth fight! Gogogogogogogo! [the kids go in, then Mr. Tuong, who closes the door behind him.]
	City Wok basement. Lots of activity going on down there. Two roosters are set to fight each other with cards. The boys make it to ringside. An announcer calls the play-by-play
Announcer	Scrambles plays a Black Swamp mana card. Fluffy counters with a mana card of his own. And he plays a Fugitive Wizard!
Crowd	Ooooooo.
Announcer	More mana from Scrambles! And yes, that is Crippling Blight! Crippling Blight to the Fugitive Wizard! Creature now has -1 to strength and defense! More Mana from Fluffy. Now he'll attack with Fugitive Wizard, and there's an instant attack from Scrambles! That is Peel from Reality! Fugitive Wizard is literally torn apart from the battleground!
The boys	Whoa!
Announcer	The mana is flying now as both roosters play sorcery spells! It's Mass Calcify against Into the Void!
	M Burger, next day. The boys are eating.
Cartman	Dude, that was total carnage!
Stan	That was freakin' hardcore.
Cartman	Can you believe that rooster played a Kalonian Twingrove with half his mana tapped?
Stan	It was just decimation.
Kyle	It was really about the most man thing I think we've ever been a part of.
Cartman	We're going again on Friday, right?
Stan	Hell yeah! [Kenny lowers his head, and Cartman notices]
Cartman	What's the matter Kenny?
Kenny	(I don't know. It just seems kind of... mean)
Stan	What's mean about it?
Kenny	[mumbles]
Cartman	You feel bad for the roosters?
Kenny	(Yeah, I feel bad for the roosters.)
Stan	Look, who's to say the roosters don't wanna play? I mean, they were goin' at it pretty hard.
Kyle	Yeah, maybe that's just kind of what they do naturally.
Cartman	Guys, I think maybe Kenny's a little hurt because he was the big Magic champion, and now chickens are stealing his thunder.
Kenny	(No.)
Cartman	Huh? A little bit?
Kenny	(NO.)
Stan	Dude, you know what we should do? We should all go in on a rooster.
Kyle	Dude, totally. With Kenny's Magic skills, we could probably kick serious ass!
Cartman	What do you think Kenny? Would that make you feel better? Huh? Come on, where's that smile? Where's that smile, Kenny? I think he's smiling you guys. [Kenny just looks at his meal]
	The McCormick house, day. Two officers stand at the landing as one of them knocks
Det. Harris	Hello, Mr. McCormick. Surprised to see us?
Stuart	What do you mean?
Det. Harris	Let's cut the crap, huh? We know there's an illegal cock Magic ring going on in town, we just wanna know who's leading it.
Stuart	What's cock Magic?
Det. Harris	Right. Roosters are being forced against their will to play "Magic: the Gathering," and you know nothing about it because you're 'white'. Let's git something straight: cock Magic isn't an Asian thing or a Mexican thing. White people do it too, if they're poor enough. You got a junked car in your front yard, Mr. McCormick. Care to tell us where the cock Magic fights are being held?
Stuart	I don't go to any cock Magic fights!
Det. Harris	Do you have any sympathy at all for the animals, Mr. McCormick? Can you imagine being kept in a small cage, barely able to turn around, and then finally let out only to be blasted by Arctic ice spells and legendary creature cards? It's illegal, and it's wrong, and anyone I find involved with this filth is goin' down!
	The Marsh house, day. The boys are on the sofa and Randy is lecturing them on Magic: the Gathering. Or on cock Magic.
Randy	Now I don't wanna lecture anybody, but what you boys are getting involved in is dangerous!
Stan	Dad, it's not that big a deal.
Randy	It is a big deal, okay?! People can get hurt! Believe it or not I was into Cock Magic back in college.
Kyle	You were?
Randy	Yes, so I'm not some fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it! I just wanna make sure if you boys do it, you do it right, and safely. [whips out a handkerchief, and drums begin to play. Randy places the hankey over his pants and begins a demonstration of cock magic, as he knew it]
	Randy's cock magic. It moves left, then right quickly. Then it pops up from behind the hankey, then pops under
Stan	Dad, that's not, that's not cock Magic.
Randy	Oh? Not impressed? How about this? [makes his penis pop out right, left, down... up, left. Stan hides his face in his hand while his friends are speechless]
	A run-down house, much like Kenny's, day. The boys approach it and ring the buzzer. This place has an intercom
Voice	What is it?!
Cartman	Hello? We're looking to buy a rooster that can play "Magic: The Gathering"?
Voice	Never heard of cock Magic, or roosters.
Kyle	Uhhh, we aren't cops or anything.
Breeder	[The voice, opens up and lets them in] Come on to the back, don't mind the smell. [he takes the boys to his barn and shows them around] We only deal in the highest quality poultry Planeswalkers. Are you looking for a New Hampshire or a Cornish breed?
Kyle	We don't... really know the difference.
Breeder	Well, your New Hampshire broiler chickens are the best for white mana. These here have been raised to play mostly protection spells and do well with sorcery cards. And here you got your green mana necromancers. Lots of earthy growth and hindering incantations that are good against blue- or black-stacked decks.
Stan	Do you think they're happy?
Breeder	Do I think they're happy?
Stan	Yeah, like, do you think they mind being made to play "Magic: The Gathering"?
Breeder	[thinks a moment] They're fuckin' chickens.
Cartman	Well, our friend here has some animal-rights concerns. Do you have any free-range chickens?
Breeder	Free-range chickens are primarily control deck players that slow the game down with board control cards.
Cartman	Aw, screw the free-range chickens, huh, Kenny?
Stan	[off-screen] Hey, how about this little guy?
Breeder	That one's kind of young. I don't even know what kinda cards he prefers.
Kyle	Then he's perfect for us.
Cartman	What should we name him, Kenny? I know. How about "McNuggets"?
Kyle	Hey McNuggets. You wanna come play for us?
Cartman	[mimicking a rooster] "Yes I do, you guys." [normally] Oh wow, did you hear him, Kenny?
	The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the master bedroom folding clothes when Shelly appears
Shelly	Mom, will you tell Dad to get out of the bathroom?! He's been in there for an hour!
	The Marsh bathroom, moments later. A drummer is heard inside
Sharon	Randy?
Randy	[lounge voice] Hey! Oh! Oh thank you!
Sharon	[Sharon pounds on the door] Randy, what are you doing?!
Randy	Oh! Nothing, Sharon. Just going to the bathroom, if you don't mind. [back to the lounge voice] Hey!
Sharon	Randy, why are there drums playing? [the drums stop and Randy opens the door]
Randy	All right, Sharon. I'm practicing. Cock magic is making a comeback.
Sharon	Ohhh, no no nononononono no.
Randy	Oh yehhs yesyesyesyesyesyes, Sharon, I don't know why or how, but people all over town are talking about it again. Now you know that I was one of the best back in college.
Sharon	I know. That's why you got kicked out of college.
Randy	Because people didn't understand! People were afraid, Sharon! But now culture has caught up. And even our son is discovering what cock magic has to offer.
Sharon	Stanley??
Randy	People are going to do it, Sharon. And it's up to the professionals to make sure it's handled the right way. Hoh! [a hankey drapes his erect penis] Oh my gosh! [pulls the hankey off and the penis is back in his pants. He smiles, she walks away, his smile fades, and he goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door]
	City Wok, Friday night. Tonight, it's McNuggets against a different rooster.
Announcer	Reuben casts Silklash Spider. Silklash Spider can block as if it had Flying! And now he casts Geistflame, dealing one damage to McNuggets.
Cartman	[through gritted teeth] Come on, McNuggets! Fight!
Kyle	You can do it, McNuggets! [the crowd argues around them]
Announcer	Quiet, please.
Someone	I think I'll bet on the next one.
Announcer	Waaiitt! [the crowd gets quiet] McNuggets has cast Punishing Fire, absorbing the Geistflame and dealing two damage to the opponent! Game, set and match, McNuggets!
Crowd	Whoa!
Stan	Yeah!
Cartman	All right, McNuggets!
Kyle	All right, McNuggets! [after the fights the boys leave City Wok] Did we pick the right rooster or what?!
Cartman	[carrying McNuggets in a small cage] That was goddamned manly! I mean, no offense to Kenny, but that shit made regular "Magic: The Gathering" look like girls' volleyball.
Promoter	[comes out behind the boys with two bodyguards] Excuse me. That was pretty impressive down there. You boys have a nice cock.
Cartman	Thank you so very much.
Promoter	I've never seen a rooster throw down spells with such raw brutality. How would you like to move him up to the big time?
Kyle	You mean there's more to this?
Promoter	Oh, yes. And I'm not talking about the basement of some seedy Chinese restaurant, I'm talking about the basement of a well-established Chinese franchise. Saturday night, here's the address. [again Kyle takes the slip of paper] Let's see what kind of money your cock can really make.
Stan	Gee, thanks!
Cartman	You hear that, McNuggets? You're goin' to the big leagues!
	A girl's sixth birthday party, back yard. Lots of kids running around and making noise. A bounce house is off to one corner
Woman	Okay kids, it's time for our birthday show. Everyone, let's be quiet now. Come on.
Kindergarten boy	Yay, a show, a show!
Woman	Do you kids like magic?
Kindergartners	Yeah, yay!
Woman	Okay, well let's all give a cheer for the Amazingly Randy! [leaves as Randy enters, and the kids cheer]
Randy	Hey kids, are we having fun? [places his hat over his groin, then reaches for it on his head] Oh where'd my hat go?! Anyone see my hat? [no reaction from the kids. Inside, the parents are preparing the cake]
Woman	[mixing some lemonade] Okay, the magician has started. Let's get the cake ready.
Randy	[with his penis in a box and a saw in his left hand] Now, some of you might think that this is a little crazy, but if you believe in magic... [begins to saw through the box] you'll find that- [the saw hits something that produces gushes of blood. All the kids are hit and they panic] Ow! Ow! Oh God! Can somebody help, please!
Man	[chuckles] They're getting a kick out the magician, huh?
Randy	Won't somebody help me out?! Get someone- You, little girl! Can you please just, just check behind your ear?! [the girl reaches behind her ear and pulls out a detached penis. She screams and Randy takes it from her.] Oh, it was behind her ear. [goes back to the stage and pops it right back where it should be, hidden so the kids don't see what he's actually doing] And there we go and we're all better and I am the Amazingly Randy! Thank you! [kids are still screaming]
Kindergarten boy	I hate you!
	South Park Elementary, day. Stan recounts the events of the night before
Stan	Dude, it was so badass! Our guy slaughtered every other fighter there. And now he's moving up to the real hardcore shit.
Kyle	It was seriously about the greatest night of our lives.
Craig	Where was all this?
Cartman	We can't tell you, bro. It's like, hardcore underground shit.
Kyle	Yeah, you gotta know people.
Butters	Dangit, I wish I knew people.
Mr. Garrison	All right kids, before we get started, the coach of the girls' volleyball team is here and would like to say a few words. [goes to his desk as she enters]
Coach	Thank you, Mr. Garrison. Listen uh, last night we had a pretty big game against Evergreen. The girls really hammered 'em, but once again we're a... little disappointed in the turnout.
Cartman	Oh Jesus, give it a rest already.
Butters	[chuckling] Yeah.
Coach	You know, when you put your all into something, it's kind of a bummer when people don't seem to care. [focus on Kenny, who looks down] Kind of makes you feel like the sport you love is becoming a joke.
Stan	Dude, girls' volleyball isn't a joke. Jokes are hard and require skill.
Cartman	OOHHH!! [laughs with the other boys]
Jimmy	Fantastic girls' volleyball joke, Stan.
Coach	The girls wanted to say something, so we're now going to hear a few words from the captain of the girls' volleyball team.
Wendy	[gets up and goes to the front of the class. Stan is immediately stunned] Hey guys, these games coming up are really big and it would mean a lot to us if you could try and make it. Thanks. [goes back to her seat]
Cartman	[aside, to Stan] Dude, Wendy plays volleyball. Did you know that? I don't think you knew that.
	The girl's birthday party. SPPD show up. The father explains to Det. Harris what happened. Other officer inspects the backyard for evidence
Man	And then he uh, took his penis from behind our daughter's ear and uh, we uh, uh that's when we saw him with uh, the n-the three rings. and uh, his penis, he was pulling it through 'em somehow, uh.
Det. Harris	Uh huh. And what about the cock Magic? Where was that? [the man and wife look at each other]
Man	Well that's what I'm telling you. It was right here exce-except for the thing where he poured the milk into his penis; he did that over there.
Det. Harris	Alright alright, let's focus. What kind of decks were they using?
Woman	Decks??
Man	Who? There weren't any "decks."
Det. Harris	Oh, I get it now. Do you know what the penalty is for calling in a false cock Magic report?
Woman	[in tears] I'm so confused, babe.
Det. Harris	Who paid you to call us and take our focus away from the investigation?! What color were they?!
Man	Nobody paid us anything! Now, there has been a crime here and you'd better do something about it!
Det. Harris	Agreed! Who first called 911? [moments later the woman is being taken to a squad car as the man and their daughter look on]
Woman	Please! Don't take me away from my child!
Girl	[crying] Mommy!
	South Park, Saturday night. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny reach the site of the next cock Magic fight. Stan is not present
Kyle	This is it. 1421 Plaza de Estereotipo.
Cartman	Wow. Here we are, McNuggets. You're reached the big time. [they stand before Panda Express. Again, Kyle knocks on the doors and tugs at them.]
Manager	[opens the door] Sorry, Panda Express is crosed. We crosed!
Cartman	Yeah yeah yeah yeah, we're here for the cock Magic.
Manager	Oh okay, come on, ten dorrah, ten dorrah.
Cartman	Ten dorrah?! [the boys hand over $10 each]
	Panda Express basement, moments later
Announcer 2	For the next round, it is Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds, versus Clucky.
Cartman	Who is that??
Spectator 1	That's Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. [Gadnuk is wearing a gold medallion] He's never lost a fight. Hell, he's never even lost one health!
	South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls are playing a visiting group, and Stan is there to watch the game. Wendy, #4 serves. #36 on the other side hits it up, with #11 hitting it back over the net. #1 on Wendy's side hits it up, then #36 hits it, then #8 hits it over the net
Stan	[following the cock Magic fight over the phone] What do you mean? Is he a red mage or a green mage?
Cartman	Dude, he's like a beast! He's got more legendary creature cards than I've ever seen!
Kyle	McNuggets is scared. He doesn't wanna play.
Cartman	McNuggets is scared, dude!
Stan	Can you stack his deck with more mana?! Can you stack McNuggets' deck with more mana?!
	Wendy serves, and #58 on the other side hits it up, then #8 hits it, then #22 hits it back over the net
Spectator 2	[returns to the crowd with a dead bird] He didn't stand a chance. Not one spell cast before he was obliterated by health drains! That thing isn't human! [walks away with his rooster. Gadnuk throws down a card. The promoter walks up]
Promoter	Alright, your rooster's up next, boys.
Kyle	Aw I don't think he wants to play, dude.
Promoter	He doesn't have a choice.
Cartman	This isn't even a fight. This is just... a slaughter.
Promoter	What do you think all these people are here to see?
Cartman	Holy shit dude! Dude, we forfeit! We forfeit!
Promoter	The hell you do! Get your cock in there! [Kenny sighs and goes in instead]
	ESPN Illegal is shown on a monitor
ESPN announcer	You're watching ESPN Illegal, your source for bullfighting, dogfighting, and cock Magic.
ESPN host	And a warm welcome back to the Cock Magic Championships. Certainly an electric atmosphere here in the basement of Panda Express. The fight we were expecting, of course, Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds versus ten-month-old Cornish rooster McNuggets. In a complete shocker, the challenger McNuggets has been scratched and substituting for him is nine-year-old Kenny McCormick. Never a dull moment in the illegal sport of cock Magic. Let's rejoin the battle now as we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move. [Gadnuk ponders what to do while Kenny slowly taps his fingers on the table, waiting] Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds plays a creature card. [his assistant places it on the table]
Cartman	Jesus, Paragon of Fierce Defiance. Now every red creature Gadnuk plays will have a +1 attack.
Crowd	Whooaa.
Kyle	Come on, Kenny! [Kenny takes a card from a deck and looks through his other cards]
	South Park Elementary gym, the game there continues. #11 hits it over the net to Wendy's side. #1 hits it... Stan is still following the cock Magic fights
Stan	What did he play? Did he tap all his mana?
Cartman	Dude, he just cast Psychogenic Probe. Now every time the other rooster has to shuffle his deck, he loses two health.
Kyle	He just had to shuffle it.
Cartman	Did you hear that? He's shuffling his deck already. The only thing he's got on the battle ground now is an Overseer.
Stan	Does an Overseer have trample? DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE TRAMPLE?! [meanwhile, the ball goes to #36, who hits it back over the net]
ESPN host	A second Elvish Mystic now, and Gadnuk attacks with Merciful Pretender. McCormick sends Charging Rhino to the graveyard. He's desperate now. Not too much he can-OH, and he's just laid down Life's Legacy!
Crowd	Ooooohh...
ESPN host	That was not expected! Gadnuk doesn't know what hit him! McCormick follows with Crackling Doom and Abzan Battle Priest!
Kyle	Holy shit, dude!
ESPN host	Gadnuk tries to block with Living Totem but OH, there is Terra Stomper! This is absolute savagery! Frenzied Goblin has been sent to the graveyard and now there is no one to block Pearl Lake Ancient! My God, someone has to put a stop to this!
Det. Harris	Freeze! [comes down to the basement with reinforcements. The cops draw their guns and check everyone out there. One cop pulls a gun from a spectator's jacket and throws it to the ground] Well, well! Looks like I finally caught the big boys! You're all going to jail for a long time! [looks at Kenny] Especially you, scumbag!
Promoter	Lousy cops! How did you find us?
Det. Harris	We saw your fliers. [holds one up] "Panda Express. Cock Magic at 9 pm."
Promoter	We didn't put those fliers out!
Announcer	[spotlights come on and move out over the crowd] And now, for your halftime entertainment, please welcome... the incomparable, the beautiful, the Amazingly Randy! [A stage is lit up and Randy bounds out]
Cartman	Ah, dude, your dad's here.
Randy	[lounge voice] Thank you, hey! You know, we live in a world of brutality and violence. And some people think there's no room for wonder anymore. But just for a moment I want you to think one thing. [dances over to a stool nearby with a box sitting on it] Whatever you believe is real, is real. [pulls out a hankey, then goes back to center stage and shows there's nothing odd about it. He unzips his zipper and puts the hankey on his penis. He gets a rubber band and ties the hankey around the penis. Next he moves his hand around and his penis rises in response, as if his hands had some magnetic power to them. Suddenly, the penis takes flight and goes around several times. He holds up a large ring and the penis flies through it flawlessly. He turns around and the song "Barbie Girl" plays. He drops his pants, dances a bit, then turns around with a small curtain over his legs. The penis peaks out to the right, up, left, and then the head of René Dif appears popping out to the right]
René Dif	Come on Barbie, let's go party. [Randy pushes it gently behind the curtain again, then he squats just long enough to get his pants back up and remove the curtain. Then he hops around. He hops back to the stool and gets some body lotion to lubricate his penis with. Then he pretends to stroke his penis and a bouquet of flowers pops up. He tosses the bouquet into the crowd and a woman catches it]
Spectator 3	Ewww! [throws the bouquet away]
Randy	Alright, for this last bit I'm gonna need a volunteer. Anybody?
Det. Harris	I'll volunteer.
Randy	Alright, come on up here. [Harris goes up] What's your name?
Det. Harris	I'm Detective Harris, South Park Police.
Randy	All right, a hand for Detective Harris! [applause. This provides a distraction by which some spectators leave silently] You know, if there's one thing I could leave you all with, it's this. Let cock magic be done by the professionals. [grabs a tank of liquid nitrogen] Sir? [gives it to Harris, who holds it. Drumroll. Randy takes a funnel and puts one end on his penis, then motions for Harris to pour the nitrogen into the funnel. A few seconds later, the funnel comes off to reveal a frozen penis. Randy takes a gun out and shoots it to bits. Harris is stunned. Randy walks over to him and smiles. All of a sudden, the penis comes out of Harris' mouth. Randy takes it and puts it into his pants. Harris smiles. Only four cops remain and they clap. The crowd and the other cops have left.]
	South Park Elementary, day.
Cartman	It was so hardcore you guys. Kenny laid waste to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. It got so out of hand that the fucking cops had to come and break it up.
Butters	Wow, the cops came?
Kyle	Yeah, It was seriously the most manly thing that's ever happened.
Cartman	Kenny cast Glacial Crasher, and then Stan's dad shot his dick off. I just, I seriously don't know where we go from here. You all right, Kenny?
Kenny	(Yeah, I guess. I just wonder about McNuggets.)
Kyle	Hey yeah, what about poor McNuggets? What's he gonna do now?
Stan	Wait a minute. I've got it, you guys.
Kyle	Got what?
Stan	A way to finally do something good for other people.
	South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls volleyball team faces off against McNuggets. Wendy is about to serve when she looks at Stan, who gives her a thumbs up. Wendy shoots him a glare of disapproval over the whole idea.
Announcer	South Park serves, and McNuggets plays a Plains Land card. One-nil, South Park. [a smattering of applause. Wendy serves again] Another serve, and McNuggets summons Downtreader Elk. One South Park player is eliminated. You, the girl with the ponytails - you are dead.
End of Cock Magic