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"Christian Rock Hard"
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Episode no. Season 7
Episode 9
Production no. 709
Original airdate October 29, 2003
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"Christian Rock Hard" is the ninth episode of Season Seven, and the 105th overall episode of South Park. It first aired on October 29, 2003.[1]


When the other boys kick Cartman out of their band, he pulls his own group together to make music for Jesus.[1]


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Plot details follow.

When the other boys kick Cartman out of their band, Moop, for suggesting that they play Christian rock, Cartman forms his own group to make music not for Jesus or spiritual rewards, but to win a bet between him and Kyle. Cartman and Kyle bet each other $10 that their respective band will be the first to go Platinum by selling one million records.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, seeking "inspiration", decide to download music from the Internet (because CDs are too expensive) and they are arrested for Piracy and copyright infringement. An FBI agent shows them the consequences of downloading music illegally. Musicians like Lars Ulrich (drummer of metal band Metallica) and Britney Spears are so affected by loss of income from music piracy that they must substitute ridiculously luxurious purchases for ones that are slightly less ridiculously luxurious (Lars wanted to have a gold-plated shark tank bar installed next to his pool, but must now wait a few months, and Britney is not able to keep a Gulfstream IV, so she replaces it with a smaller Gulfstream III, which does not have a remote control for its surround sound DVD system). As budding musicians, Moop decides to go on strike until fans stop downloading and are joined by a large number of pop and rock stars, including Britney Spears, Master P, Blink-182, Metallica, Alanis Morissette, and Skyler's band from the Season Three episode "Cat Orgy" and the Season Four episode "Timmy 2000".

Meanwhile, Cartman recruits Butters as the band's drummer, and Tolkien as bass guitarist. According to Cartman, Tolkien can play bass because he is black which he promptly denies by telling him he does not even have a bass guitar. However, Tolkien finds one in his basement and it turns out that he can play well. The band finds immediate success topping the Christian rock charts, with Cartman simply tweaking the lyrics of love ballads to include Jesus' name. (Which makes the band look like they're in love with Jesus.)

Their band, Faith + 1, soon celebrates the sale of its millionth album. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny realize that the satisfaction of having fans should surely be more important to musicians than fighting against fans, who make them popular and come to see their concerts. Moop decides to stop striking, although the other (more famous) musicians decline, confessing they were striking due to lost money.

At an expensive awards ceremony, Cartman blew all the money the band made to celebrate Faith + 1's success. When the band comes on stage, their record label presents them with a myrrh album. This means Kyle has not lost the bet; Christian record companies only hand out gold, frankincense, and myrrh records, so Cartman can never have a platinum album (but can "go double myrrh"). His frustration at not beating Kyle leads him to destroy the myrrh album and scream "God damn it!" When Faith + 1's success is questioned because Cartman just took Jesus' name in vain, Cartman screams "Oh, fuck Jesus!", making the fans scream and flee. Tolkien becomes mad because Cartman has driven the crowd away but he does not care, calling Tolkien a "black asshole". This causes Tolkien to drive to the breaking point, Tolkien mercilessly beats Cartman to the ground and walks away angrily. The boys feel that Cartman got what he deserved and leave. As Cartman weeps on the ground in pain, Butters hesitates, then farts in his face, gives him the finger and says, "Fuck you, Eric" as revenge for losing the crowd, before leaving Cartman to recover from his beating alone.


  709: "Christian Rock Hard" edit
Story Elements

MoopFaith + 1Faith + 1 (Album)Blink-182MetallicaBritney SpearsMichael CollinsFederal Bureau of Investigation • "Jesus, Baby"


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