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The official script for "Chinpokomon" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Liane Cartman
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Priest Maxi
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Hat
  • President Hirohito
  • Mr. Ose
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Red Harris
  • Announcer and Singer for Commercials
  • "Ash"
  • "Eight"
  • President Bill Clinton
  • Japanese Woman
  • Mr. Kitty

Script

Chinpokomon
Cartman residence, day. Cartman is watching TV and snacking on something. Kitty walks up
Kitty
Reowr.
Cartman
No, Kitty, these are my spicy-hot Louisiana-baked Chicken Tenders!
Kitty
Reowr.
Cartman
No, Kitty! [the TV screen shows a blond Ash-like figure surrounded by three little monsters]
"Ash"
Someday, I will collect all the Chinpokomon, then I will fight the Evil Power that will reveal itself once all the Chinpokomon are collectable, [tilts his head to one side] oh?
Kitty
Roar?
Cartman
[affecting an anime look] No, Kitty, you can't have these chicken tenders, because they are mine, and I keep mine to myself, oh?
Announcer
Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another inexplicable episode of... Chinpokomon.
Cartman
[exults] Hooray! [hops off the sofa and begins to walk away...]
Announcer
Hey kids! [Cartman turns to look at the TV] Do you love Chinpokomon?
Cartman
Yes.
Announcer
Well, now you can buy your very own! [the little monsters begin to flash across the screen]
Singer

I got to buy Chinpokomon
I got to buy it, I got to buy it! [six Chinpokomon appear]

Announcer
[more Chinpokomon appear...] Now you can collect them all. Furrycat, Donkeytron, Pengin, Shoe, Lambtor. Collect them all, and you can become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.
Cartman
Royal Crown Chinpoko Master? Holy shit!
Announcer
All the Chinpokomon are in stores now.
Japanese Woman
[dressed in business attire] Chinpokomon is soo-peh-rior rubbeh toy, Nuhmbah 1!
Singer

I got to buy it! Chinpo-ko-mon!

Cartman
[turns off TV and rushes to the kitchen, tossing the chicken tenders away] Mom! Mom!
Kitchen. Liane is at the sink. Cartman rushes in and runs circles around her legs
Cartman
[pants] Mom! Seriously! Let's go to the toy store, Mom. Now! Must go! Toy store!
Liane
Eric, calm down. [genuflects and restrains him]
Cartman
Uh seriously! Mom! Must go! Must buy!
Liane
What is it, Eric?
Cartman
[breathless] Muh-Mom, I've only just heard. They're making Chinpokomon dolls, mom. You can collect them all. You can collect them all, Mother; quick, come on. Let's go to the toy store.
Liane
[stands up and turns to the counter] I'm making you some lunch right now, Eric.
Cartman
[stops] ...But Mo-o-om, I have to get Chinpokomon dolls before everybody else does, 'cause then I'll be coo-oo-ool.
Liane
Can't it wait till tomorrow, hon?
Cartman
[shriek] ...But Mo-o-om, I have to get the first one, or else people won't think I'm coo-oo-ool!
Liane
Alright! let's go. [heads towards the front door. Cartman follows]
Cartman
Sweet.
Toy store, "TOYS." Cartman and Liane approach it
Cartman
Everybody's gonna be sooo jealous when they see my Chinpokomon. [Liane opens the door, and both are shocked to find the store full of kids looking around and walking with Chinpokomon dolls. The class is there...]
Butters
Wuh-I love Chinpokomon.
Girl
[amid the din] Give it to me!
Boy
Give it here!
Boy
[fighting with Bradley Biggle over a Chinpokomon doll] Give me that!
Cartman
Oh, god damnit! [walks in and runs into Stan]
Stan
Hey, fat ass.
Cartman
Hey, dick-whore. I guess you saw the commercial, too.
Stan
Yep. I got Roostor, Lambtron, and Shoe.
Cartman
Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna get a Pengin. He's the coolest. [walks to the Pengin canister and finds it empty] God damnit, there's no more Pengins! [Kenny walks over with one] Kenny, Pengin is my favorite. That's the last one. Let me have it. [starts pulling]
Kenny
(Nuh uh.) [pulls back. Tug-of-war]
Cartman
C'mon.
Kenny
(Nuh uh!)
Cartman
C'mon, Kenny. Let me ha--
Kenny
(No!)
Cartman
C'mon.
Kenny
(No!)
Cartman
C'mon. Give me Pengin!
Kenny
(No! This is mine!)
Cartman
C'mon!
Checkout counter. Sharon is ready to pay for some Chinpokomon. Liane has one, too. Sharon turns to Liane
Sharon
Honestly, I don't see what they find so amusing about those things.
Liane
They're so strange. Where are they from?
Cashier
Well, it's some new big thing from Japan. I tell you, those Japanese really know how to market to kids.
"Ash"
[on a TV screen] I've got to collect all Chinpokomon. I've got to collect them all so I can become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master, oooh? [static]
Japanese woman
Own-ah Chinpokomon, and-ah you vill-ah have-ah happy feelings-eh. [static]
"Ash"
I have to become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.
Kids
[recite as they disperse] Must collect Chinpokomon.
South Park, next day. The boys stand around with their Chinpokomon. Kyle is missing
Cartman
Okay, Kenny. I'll trade you my Chuchunezumi for your Pengin.
Kenny
(Fuck you!)
Cartman
God damnit, you're supposed to trade those, you little asshole! Give me Pengin!
Kyle
[arrives] Hey dudes. [notices] What are those?
Stan
What are these? They're Chinpokomon!
Kyle
Huh?
Cartman
[haltingly] You don't appear to have any Chinpokomon.
Kyle
No, but look: I just got this sweet Cyborg Bill doll.
Cartman
Oh, please. Cyborg Bill is so yesterday.
Stan
Yeah, like ancient history.
Kyle
Cyborg Bill isn't cool anymore?
Stan
No, dude!
Cartman
Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long time, Kyle.
Kyle
Why the hell don't people tell me these things?!
Cartman
It's all Chinpokomon now.
Stan
Dude, if you collect Chinpokomon you can complete the Primary Main Objective.
Kyle
What's the Primary Main Objective?
Cartman
You don't even know what the Primary Main Objective is?
Stan
The Primary Main Objective is to destroy the Evil Power.
Kyle
Well, what's the Evil Power?
Stan
[exasperated] Ogh..!
Cartman
[exasperated] Oh, my God..! The identity of the Evil Power won't be revealed until all Chinpokomon are collected by a Royal Crown Chinpoko Master!
Kyle
What?
Cartman
Duhhh!
Stan
Yeah, get with the times, dude. [turns and walks away with Cartman and Kenny]
Cartman
Duhhh!
Kyle
[throws down Cyborg Bill] Shit!
Broflovski residence. Sheila and Gerald are talking on the sofa. Ike sits to Gerald's left
Gerald
Yeah, I guess so.
Kyle
[enters] Mom, Dad, can I have money to buy Chinpokomon?
Sheila
What's a Chinpokomon?
Kyle
I'm not sure.
Sheila
Well, why do you need one?
Kyle
I don't know.
Sheila
...Well then, the answer is no, Kyle. You just got money to buy your Cyborg Bill doll.
Kyle
Yeah, but Cyborg Bill is totally gay now. Please Mom? Everybody else has Chinpokomon.
Gerald
Well, Kyle, that's not a reason to buy something.
Ike
Neah Kyle doh.
Gerald
You see, son, fads come and go. And this "Chin-po-ko-mon" is obviously nothing more than a fad. You don't have to be a part of it. In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by saying to your peers, "I'm not going to be a part of this fad, because I'm an individual." Do you understand?
Kyle
Yes. Yes, I do, Dad. Now let me tell you how it works in the real world. In the real world, I can either get a Chinpokomon, or I can be the only kid without one, which singles me out, and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my ass.
Gerald
Hm... Good point; here's $10. [hands it to him]
Kyle
Thanks.
Gerald
Wait, here's 20. Get one for your brother, too. [Kyle receives the other $10 and walks out]
Ike
Hey, Chih-paw-ko.
Toy store. Kyle has just purchased a Lambtor
Cashier
[hands him the doll] There you go, son. I honestly don't know what you see in these things.
Kyle
Neither do I. [turns and walks out.]
Cashier
[closes the door and turns off the lights] I guess I'll call it a night. [heads towards the back]
A voice
Chinpoko! [the cashier turns] Buy me! Buy me! [the cashier heads for the Chinpokomon display] When will you become Royal Chinpoko Master? [the cashier gets a Lambtor and squeezes it, making a little squeak.] Hurry up and buy me. [squeeze] Down with America!
Cashier
What? [squeeze]
Lambtron
I love you. Let's be best friends, and destroy the capitalistic American government.
Cashier
What the hell is goin' on here?
Cartman residence, next day. The boys are engaged in a video game. Again, Kyle is absent
Kyle
[enters] Hey you guys! Check out my sweet Chinpokomon doll!
Cartman
Oh, please, Chinpokomon dolls are so last week.
Kyle
What?
Stan
Yeah, dude. Don't you know? It's all about the Chinpokomon video game now. Did you bring your special Chinpokomon game controller?
Kyle
[a little lost] Huh? No.
Cartman
[haltingly] Oh, you didn't get a special Chinpokomon game controller. T-heh heh heh heh. Jehesus C-hrist! [Cartman presses "START" on game controller]
Announcer
Chinpokomon, what is Primary Objective?
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman
To destroy the Evil Power!
"Ash"
I've got to buy all the Chinpokomon so I can destroy the Evil Power, oooh?
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman
Oooh?
Kyle
Damnit! [walks out]
"Ash"
I've got to buy them all, so first I'd better go to Hawaii and visit Pearl Harbor.
Japanese woman
[pops up] Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! Deddy? [vanishes]
"Ash"
Go! ["GO" pops up, and the boys are furiously maneuvering their controllers]
Kenny
(Hey, you guys...) [the boys bomb the harbor, grunting all the while]
"Ash"
I must buy them all! I must buy them all!
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman
We must buy them all! [they finish the first round of bombing and fly away]
Japanese woman
[pops up] Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! [drops down. The second round begins and the bombing is more intense. Kenny begins to convulse and finally drops off the sofa. Play stops as Cartman and Stan look on with shock]
Stan
Dude, the video game gave Kenny a seizure!
Cartman
Cool! This game rules!
Japan; Chinpokomon Company, outside. An inside shot looks to the main doors as they open, and one man walks in
Cashier
Hello-o? Ey, hello? [a monitor drops down from above]
Japanese woman
[on screen] Werucome to Chinpokomon Toy Corporashon. Purease state a-name.
Cashier
Rr-Red Harris? I own a toy store in America?
Japanese woman
Purease state the puhpose-uh.
Red
Uh, I wanna know what the hell you people are doing with these dolls, talkin' about bringin' down American government and all? [the monitor is pulled up in a hurry, and an elevator rises from the floor. The doors open and two men walk towards him.]
Taller man
I am President Hirohito. And-ah, this is Mr. Ose.
Mr. Ose
[nods forward] Peased to meet you.
President Hirohito
We unduhstand you have big concern about our fine pro-duct.
Red
Oh, eh-yes. Do you mind tellin' me what the hell this is about? [squeezes Lambtor]
Lambtor
The American government lies to you! Join the fight for Japanese supremacy of the world! More to come. [the two men remain silent]
Red
Well?
Mr. Ose
Uuuh.
President Hirohito
That is so sturange. [takes Lambtor from Red] I do not a-know how this could happen. But urest assured, I will make sure [glares sideways at Mr. Ose] it does not happong again!
Red
Well, now, come on, I don't think that that quite satisfies my--
President Hirohito
You are American?
Red
Yes.
President Hirohito
[begins to gesture] Ogh! You must have very big pee-anis!
Red
Excuse me? I was just asking you what you're up to with these toys!
President Hirohito
Nothing. We are very simple people. With very small penis. Mr. Ose penis is ...especially small.
Mr. Ose
[fakes a sob] Uh, smuh, so small.
President Hirohito
We cannot achieve much with so small penis. But you! Americans. Wow! Penis so big! Soo big penis!
Red
[flattered] Well uh, he-I guess it is a pretty good size.
Mr. Ose
Minna-san, kite kite! ["Everyone, come come!" A group of Japanese women move in, chattering] This-a man has veh-ry big penis! [the women applaud, Red grins big]
Woman 1
Take takeru o da ne? ["It's rather large, isn't it?"]
Woman 2
Hai. ["Yes."]
Mr. Ose
Uh, hoh, what an-whoa immense penis-uh!
Red
Well, it certainly was nice meeting you folk, I just wanted to bring that little malfunction to your attention. Bye-bye now.
President Hirohito
Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by, with your gargantuan penis. [Red walks out humming happily. After a moment Hirohito looks angrily at Mr. Ose] Dame, dame da. ["Its over. Its all over." The women quickly exit the room. He slaps the back of Mr. Ose's head] Naze kono chippu o soto wo detanda? ["Why did you let this chip get outside?"]
Mr. Ose
Wa, wakarimasen, shachou-san. Mondai desu ne. ["I, I don't know, president. This is going to be a problem, isn't it?"]
President Hirohito
Seki ni shou yoube! ["Prepare a sit down meeting!"]
Mr. Ose
Hai. Hai, shachou-san. ["Yes. Yes, president." He bows out]
The Cartman house, night. Kitty roars outside. Cartman is asleep, but tossing...
Cartman
I've got to buy Chinpokomon... I've got to... buy them... Must buy Chinpokomon...
His Chinpokomon sends up an antenna, which sends out a signal, which goes out the window and joins other signals at a point in space. Then the merged signals go to a satellite, which bounces them to Japan. The signals reach the Chinpokomon Toy Corporation's rooftop satellite dish and split up to show each Chinpokomon in its own screen on the company's video wall. President Hirohito is talking to his board of directors under heavy guard
President Hirohito
Amerika no kodomo minna ga Chinpokomon mo motte ima na. "Phase two" kaishi suru toki da. IKIMASHOO! ["All the children in America already own Chinpokomon now. It is time to begin "Phase two" . LET'S GO!" The soldiers set their rifles] The time has come! We will take Pearl Harbor!
Marsh residence, next day. A TV is on: "I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon!" Sharon sits on the sofa looking at the cartoon
Randy
[walks up] What are you doing?
Sharon
I'm watching one of Stanley's Chinpokomon video tapes.
Randy
Why?
Sharon
Our son loves this show, Randy, so I think it's important that we watch it to see if it's teaching him good moral values. [Randy sits]
"Ash"
[addressing a robot rooster] Hey, you must be Roostor! I haven't bought one of you yet, but I'll bet you can transform into Roostallion if you found Diamond Skill 7! [picks it up and squeezes]
Roostor
Roo-oo-oostor! [a teen boy in black body suit emblazoned with an 8 appear]
"Eight"
[does the following as he speaks] Hey, I'm gonna take your Roostor and put it in this bag, where it will flourish or expire, depending on fate!
"Ash"
Hey! Is that a good idea?
"Eight"
Roostors aren't like Chuchunezumis. They haven't the heart for such endeavors.
"Ash"
Oooh? [Randy and Sharon look lost]
Randy
...Are those good moral values?
Sharon
I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Hours later. Randy and Sharon watch a battle scene in disbelief
"Ash"
Lambtron! You are losing the battle of your life! [Lambtron battles Furrycat]
Narrator
But Lambtron's powers also give him a good chance for a new fight. Will he succeed?
"Ash"
I am sad now, because Lambtron must be very lonely because there are so few Lambtrons in the world. Will he ever find a companion?
Sharon
This doesn't make sense. Are those stupid things supposed to be animals or robots or what?
Randy
I don't know, but I suddenly kinda wanna own them all.
Sharon
Randy, we can't allow our son to watch this stuff!
Randy
Well, it's not like it's vulgar or violent.
Sharon
No, but it's incredibly stupid, and that could be worse on a child's mind than any vulgarity or violence. Remember what Battle of the Network Stars did to an entire generation.
Randy
[solemnly] My God, you're right.
South Park, by Tom's Rhinoplasty, day. Cartman is strumming a guitar. A sign on the case reads: "Please HELP...Boys Sent to camp
Cartman

Come on, brothers and sisters
We've all got to join together
Join together and give me money
So I can buy more Chinpokomon!
We've got to stop this fight and...

Stan
[arrives with Kenny] How's it goin', fat ass?
Cartman
I haven't made any money yet.
Stan
What?! You've been out here all weekend! How are we gonna raise money to get into the Chinpokomon camp?
Cartman
Ey! I'm the one who's been standing out here with this gay guitar like a God-damned hippie all weekend! What have you two assholes done?!
Stan
We can't do anything. Kenny still hasn't come out of his seizure. [moves Kenny so the glazed eyes can be seen]
Kyle
[rushes up with a new item] I got it! I got my Chinpokomon game controller! [Tthe others look at him and then laugh]
Cartman
Jesus tap dancing Christ! Get with the program, Kyle!
Stan
Yeah. Nobody plays the Chinpokomon video games anymore. Now it's all about the big weekend Chinpokomon camp.
Kyle
Camp?
Cartman
[sighs] The makers of Chinpokomon are going town to town and putting on a special camp to show all the Chinpoko Masters how to destroy the Evil Power.
Stan
You didn't know that?
Kyle
[quickly saving face] No, uh-I knew it! I knew it. I was just testing you guys. You just wait till I get to that Chinpokomon camp! I'm gonna be the toughest master of them all! So we'll see you there, a-ight? [turns and walks away]
Stan
Dude, did you just say "a-ight"?
Kyle
[turns back] Yeah. You know, like Lauren Hill. A-ight?
Cartman
Oh, my God, that's so yesterday!
Stan
Yeah, dude. Nobody says "a-ight" anymore.
Kyle
What?? "A-ight"'s not cool, either? When did that happen?
Cartman
Like, eight days ago.
Kyle
God damnit! [turns and hurries away]
Marsh residence, night. Living room. The Marshes Broflovskis, Liane, the McCormicks, and the Tweeks watch an Chinpokomon advertisement.
Announcer
Hey, kids! [Furrycat appears] Only one more day till the Chinpokomon camp! ["Ash" and "Eight" appear] Come early and enjoy all the Chinpoko fun! ["Chinpokomon CAMP" is placed over Furrycat, then a violet gorilla appears]
Singer

Chinpokomon Camp!
I've got to buy a ticket!
I've got to buy one! A ticket!
I've got to buy buy buy!

Japanese woman
[pops in from the side] It'sa Satuhday anda Sunday. You can'ta wait to go! [moves out]
Singer

Chinpokomon! [the TV clicks off]

Sharon
We just thought we'd bring it to everyone's attention because, honestly, we don't know how to feel.
Liane
Well, I'm letting Eric go to the camp. I mean, it seems to me this Chinpokomon thing is just another harmless fad.
Sheila
Yeah. We told Kyle he could go if he did all his chores, and he did.
Randy
[concerned] Now, I'm not sure this blatant commercialism is good for our boys.
Sheila
Well, you know how it is, Randy. The more we forbid them to play with Chinpokomons, the more they're gonna love them.
Sharon
You're right, Sheila. I guess the best thing we can do is just let them go until they get sick of it.
Sheila
Sure. Apparently, they've been doing these camps in every city around the country; how bad can they be?
Chinpokomon camp. A huge temple looms over the crowd of kids. Three huge screens display the Chinpokomon program. Soldiers guard the screens and the central stairway. Stan and friends move through the crowd. Several classmates are already there
Cartman
Get outta the way! Move it!
Stan
Can you see anything? [the gorilla Chinpokomon appears onscreen]
Kids
Yay!!! [applause]
Stan
It's starting, it's starting!
Singer

I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon! [the kids continue to cheer and clap. Mr. Ose takes center stage]

Mr. Ose
Attention! Attention! [the kids quiet down] This isa Chinpokomon Camp!
Kids
Chinpokomon is what we strive to be great at in our hearts!
Kyle
...our hearts. [looks left] Kenny? [Kenny stands motionless]
Mr. Ose
What is the Primary Main Objective?
Kids
To destroy the Evil Power!
Kyle
...Power.
Mr. Ose
Yesuh. Anda what is the Evil Power? [no one answers] The Evil Power is the United States gorvernment! [the three screens display the U.S. flag. The kids stay silent]
Cartman
Ohhh.
Mr. Ose
United Statesuh government is the Evil Power! It hasa taken Japanese Americans! It hasa broken Japanese spirit! And what do Chinpoko Masters do to Evil Power?!
Kids
Destroy it!
Kyle
Destroy it?
Mr. Ose
That isa correct! Now, it isa great honor to present... your Chinpoko Leaduh! Emperor Hirohito! [a gong is heard, and Mr. Ose claps a few times]
Emperor Hirohito
[President Hirohito in shogun attire takes center stage] Welcome to campu. Whoever passes it knows and honors that the greatness of Japan is in its history, and it is based on that history that we shall again rise to the dominant world powuh!
Cartman
Is this cool or not? I can't tell.
Emperor Hirohito
It is again time for the Rising Sun to sit tall in the sight! One Japan! One society! [walks off. Mr. Ose claps and takes the mike]
Mr. Ose
We will begin witha language anda exercise skills. Hajimete!! ["Begin!" Two instructors walk up]
Instructors
[doing squats] Ichi, ni, san, shi! ["1, 2, 3, 4!"]
Kids
Ichi, ni, san, shi! Ichi, ni, san, shi! ["1, 2, 3, 4! 1, 2, 3, 4!"]
South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids are chatting away happily in Japanese. All have anime expressions
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class shuts up] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?
Stan
Juuhachi desu ka? ["Isn't it eighteen?"]
Class
Juuhachi da nee! ["Eighteen it is!"]
Mr. Garrison
No, goddammit, it's eighteen!!
Stan
Juuhachi is eighteen, Garrison-san.
Mr. Garrison
For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, all right?! And this is not Hat-san! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
Cartman
Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana. ["Ooo, Mr. Garrison is such an asshole!"]
Mr. Garrison
What did he say?!
Stan
He said, "Garrison-san sabuchii da naa."
Class
Soo desu nee! ["That's right!"]
Mr. Garrison
Damnit, this is not Japan!!
Cartman
Minna-san! Kite kite, churi... [farts. The class laughs]
Wendy
Dare ga pu shita no. ["Who farted?"]
Mr. Garrison
Aggghhh! [rushes out of the room amid the kids' laughter]
City Hall, the Mayor's Office. The parents are gathered in it
Mayor
People, please! We can only speak one at a time. Now, Mr. Garrison, you were saying...
Mr. Garrison
I can't take it, Mayor. You have to put an end to this Chinpoko Camp.
Sharon
[Randy holds her] My son hasn't made any sense in days.
Priest Maxi
I tell you, Mayor, these Japanese are trying to change our American children somehow!
Mayor
Alright, people, Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose were nice enough to stop by to talk to you. Gentlemen? [Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose step up]
President Hirohito
We at the Japan Toy Company are vetty cohncerned about-a your cohncerns. That is why we make Chinpokomon camp.
Randy
Well, how is it good?! We don't understand what the point of your product is!
President Hirohito
There is nothing to worry about. We at Japan Toy Company are in awe of your large penis.
Mr. Garrison
What?
President Hirohito
You see, Japanese penis so small. [holds his hands about an inch apart]
Mr. Ose
[set his index finger an inch from his thumb] So-eh small.
President Hirohito
You Americans have such humungous burbous penis.
Mr. Garrison
Well, uh-I guess that's true.
Mr. Ose
Oh, suh-n nice-a big penis American.
President Hirohito
What can we possubruh do with such small penis? We cannot take over your city, filled witha men awith such mastodonic penis.
Jimbo
Huwell, uh he's got a point there.
Randy
Well, I guess that settles that.
Priest Maxi
We're sorry we took your time, gentlemen.
President Hirohito
[bowing with Mr. Ose] Oh, no. Thank you. Another chance to be in same room with big American penis. [exits]
Mr. Ose
Uh-uh, my penis so small. [exits]
Priest Maxi
Nice guys. [the door closes]
City Hall, outside the Mayor's Office
President Hirohito
Jikan ga nai. Sugu ni bara de shimaou. Shikashi, itsu baru shinkuro isoga reba. ["Time is short. Those people will discover our plan soon. We must finish quickly."]
City Hall, the Mayor's Office. The men and women have split into two groups by gender. Sharon speaks
Sharon
So, what are we going to do about our children? [the men smile down at their crotches] Ahhh, hello-o?
Mayor
O-kay, people. I know this Chinpuku Man fad is causing a lot of problems. But I think we've already found a solution.
Liane
You have?
Mayor
Children are fickle. [thump] All we have to do is come up with a new fad. We find the next toy and turn them all onto it as soon as possible.
Sharon
Of course! That's a great idea!
Sheila
But what toy?
South Park Market Research Laboratories, a nondescrpt building. A big-screen TV is shown, flanked by two lab techs. Then a sofa is shown, with Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters
Lab Tech 1
Alright, boys, we're going to show you a couple of commercials, and you tell us which toy interests you the most. Now, watch carefully. [the first one comes on]
Announcer
Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
Boys
Yeah!
Announcer
Well then, you're gonna go wild for [echo comes on as a weird bike is shown] Wild Wacky Action Bike! [a bike with two single-arm handles, one attached to each wheel, and two lumpy side wheels]
Singer

Wild Wacky Action Bike!
The bike that's hard to ride!

Announcer
[a boy runs to the bike and hops on, trying to figure out how to steer it. He shrugs] Wild Wacky Action Bike is almost impossible to steer. And it glows in the dark.
Singer

Goin' to try to ride all day long, but I'm goin' to fail
'Cause it's Wild Wacky Action Bike!

Boy
[manages to steer it, but runs into some cones] Man... [then steers it well enough down the street]
Singer

You can't ride it, you can't ride it
Wild Wacky Action Bike!

Boy
Aaagg-agh--! [ends up under a truck. A cloud of steam rushes out on impact]
Announcer
Wild Wacky Action Bike comes with everything you see here. [the boys say nothing for a while, then...]
Cartman
...Gay.
Stan
Yeah, dude. That was totally gay.
Lab Tech 1
Ohhh. [writes "GAY" under "Wild Wacky Action Bike" on his "Test Results" pad and underlines it] Wuh-okay, here's the next one.
Announcer
Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
Boys
Yeah!
Announcer
Well then, you're gonna love... Alabama Man! ["ALABAMA MAN" over the Confederate flag, then Alabama Man is shown with bowling ball and beer can]
Singer

Alabama Man
He's quick, he's strong, he's active.

Announcer
You can take Alabama Man to the bowling alley, where he drinks heavily and chews tobacco. [A little bowling alley is shown, with Alabama Man standing on a platform that connects to the alley by a ramp. Behind that sits a woman doll keeping score]
Boy 1
[watching Alabama Man swing a bowling ball] Wow! He can bowl. [presses a button, releasing the bowling ball. It goes down the bowling alley and knocks six pins down]
Singer

He can bowl, he can drink, he can drink and bowl
Alaba-ma Man!

Announcer
When his wife asks him where he's been, just use the action button, [Alabama Man is made to knock her down] and Alabama Man busts her lip open.
Boy 1
[with Alabama Man. Boy 2 has his wife] Shut up, bitch! [has Alabama Man knock his wife down]
Boy 2
Wow!
Singer

He beat the wife and sleeps it off
Alabama Man!

Boys 1/2
I wanna be just like Alabama Man.
Announcer
Alabama Man comes with everything you see here. Wife sold separately.
Boy 2
I thought I told you to shut up! [has Alabama Man knock his wife down with a backhand]
Announcer
Not all people from Alabama are wife-beaters. [Again, the boys stay silent]
Cartman
Gay.
Stan
Totally gay.
Kyle
Liberace gay.
Lab Tech 1
[writes "GAY" under "Alabama Man" and underlines it twice] Oooh, dear. Well, let's keep trying. How about this? [cuts into an actual commercial...]
South Park, next weekend. The adults are lined up on either side of Main Street as Mr. Ose leads the kids through the town. Japanese flags, a poster of President Hirohito, and red flags are being paraded
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids
Beikoku! Nihon ima hajimaru! ["It's fate is now to become Japan!"]
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Sharon
Stan?
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Sharon
Stan, it's Mommy! [starts to move with the troops]
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Mr. Ose
Owatta!
Sharon
Stanley--
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Sharon
--you need to come home right now.
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Sharon
Mommy misses you.
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Sharon
Stanley, I'm talking to you!
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids
Beikoku! ["Down with"] [Sharon steps in and takes Stan's hand. The troops gather round, forcing her back] Hoh!? ["Ohh!?]
Sharon
[pleading] Stan, please, come home!
Stan
Kore wa watashi no uchi desu. ["This is my home now."]
Kids
So desu née. ["That's right."]
Mr. Ose
Ooh? [resumes his position. Sharon looks betrayed] Do not worry. Everything isa okay.
Sharon
No, it's not okay!
Mr. Ose
Oh, but-a you have-a such large penis-uh. [behind him, Stan has a fierce expression on his face]
Sharon
What?
Mr. Ose
Your penis, wooww-- [President Hirohito walks up and slaps him] O-oh..!
President Hirohito
What he means is that all men in this town have very large penis. [all the men smile at the compliment]
Sharon
Can't you see what's happening?! They're just using that talk to distract you! He doesn't really have a small penis!
President Hirohito
Misenasai! ["Show them!" Mr. Ose takes down his pants. The people are shocked, and he pulls them up again.]
Sharon
Oh! [the march resumes]
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with "]
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Mr. Ose
Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Gerald
Oh God, is there nothing we can do?
Sharon
[turns to face the adults] Wait a minute... Wait a minute, I think I know the answer! I know how to get our kids to stop liking Chinpokomon! [the last of the troops leaves]
Sheila
How?
Sharon
Come on! We don't have much time! [leads the adults away]
Washington, D.C.; the White House.
Reporter
And now, for a special announcement from the President of the United States.
President Clinton
[from the Oval Office] My fellow Americans, I wish to address the concerns many of us have over the growing number of Japanese military bases forming in the United States. The new Japanese emperor, Hirohito, has made our own children into fighter pilots who will soon fly to Hawaii and attack Pearl Harbor. I spoke with Mr. Hirohito this morning, and he assured me that I have a very large penis. He said it was mammoth, dinosauric, and absolutely dwarfed his penis, which, he assured me, was nearly microscopic in size. My penis, he said, was most likely one of the biggest on the planet. I applaud Mr. Hirohito in his honesty. Thank you.
A Japanese military base. Eighteen planes and 39 troops are seen. The kids stand at attention. Kyle is missing
Mr. Ose
Your plane will fly autopilot to Pearl Harbor! When you arrive you will drop many bombs!
Kids
Hai, shachou-san. ["Yes, Mr. President." The kids part to the planes. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny run into the adults]
Stan
Nan da kore? ["What's this?"]
Randy
Chinpoko ga dai-suki yo! ["We're crazy about this Chinpoko stuff." All the adults carry Chinpokomon now]
Stan
What?
Randy
Uh, we just came to support you. We love Chinpokomon, too. It's super toy, number 1!
Stan
You like it?
Mr. Garrison
You bet. I think Chinpokoman is chinpokorrific. I got Shoe.
Liane
Come on, Eric. Let's try to battle your Roostor with my Donkeytron.
Cartman
Uh... no, that's okay, Mom.
President Hirohito
Whar are they doing?!
Mr. Ose
It's a trick!
Randy
Hey, Stan, look at my new bumper sticker. ["MY KID IS A CHINPOKOKID" with a smiling kid's face on the left end, and a Lambtron on the right. Randy walks to it and kneels to display it] Isn't that cool?
Stan
[holding a Chuchunezumi] No. [the adults laugh, and he throws the Chuchunezumi away] Screw this, dude. [starts walking out]
Cartman
Where are you going, Stan?
Stan
Huh, I don't know. Chinpokomon just doesn't seem that cool anymore. I'm gonna go kill some ants or something. [walks away]
Cartman
Wait for me, I wanna get out of these stupid clothes. [follows]
Other kids
Yeah. Me too! Me too. [each one tosses a Chinpokomon onto a pile and leaves the airfield. A Lambtron lands on its side and a kid steps on it. The adults cheer.]
President Hirohito
[grabbing his head in frustrated disbelief] Nooo!!
Randy
Well, you were right, Sharon. The best way to make our kids not like something is to like it ourselves.
Sharon
That's right. Anything we like is instantly not cool. [turns to Mr. Garrison] We know how to take them out, Mr. Garrison. Spread the word! Get on the wire to every parent around the country and tell them how to bring those sons of bitches down! [he walks over to a telegraph machine and starts spreading the word]
Stan
Hey, Mom, I'm sorry I went a little nutty with that Chinpokomon stuff. Can I have $5 to buy a football?
Sharon
You bet, Stanley! [a fighter plane has left its spot and appears before the crowd. Kyle is in the cockpit]
Kyle
Owatta Beikoku! ["Down with the U.S.A.!"] [the adults are stunned]
Sheila
Kyle, it's over!
Kyle
But I'm gonna be Royal Crown Chinpokomon Master!
Stan
[flatly] Dude, Chinpokomon isn't cool anymore.
Kyle
What?
Cartman
Yeah, dude, that's way over. [a rat is on Kenny, trying to nibble]
Kyle
Dude, you're just jealous because I'm Chinpoko Master!
Stan
No, Kyle. You see, we learned something today. This whole Chinpokomon thing happened because we all followed the group. We only liked Chinpokomon because everyone else did. And look at the damage it caused.
Kyle
So now I should stop liking Chinpokoman because you all don't?
Stan
...Ye-eah.
Kyle
But if I stop now, I'll just be going with the group again. So, to be an individual, I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya. [moves forward]
Stan
Oh... Wait. [walks with the plane] Actually, I was wrong. You see, Kyle, I learned something, just now. It is good to go with the group. A group mentality is healthy, sometimes.
Kyle
Aw, screw it; I'm too confused. [turns the power off and hops out of the plane. Mr. Garrison walk away]
Randy
Well, I'm sure glad this is all over.
Cartman
[sees rats on Kenny and swats them off] Hey, get offa him! He's not dead yet!
Bus Stop, next day. The four boys are waiting. The rats return and crawl all over Kenny
Cartman
Nnno! Get off, you stupid rats! He's not dead yet!
Stan
Hey, you guys wanna go to the toy store after school and get some Spaceman Greg cards?
Kyle
Naw, I think I'm through with fads for a while.
Cartman
Me, too. [Kenny starts to tremble] I'm choosing my own toys from now on, 'cause-- [Kenny falls and trembles harder. The others watch]
Stan
What the..? [Kenny's body rips open and a bunch of rats crawl out of him.]
Cartman
Ooooh-ho-ho-ho, gro-hoss! [Stan and Kyle laugh as Cartman looks on, the credits play the instrumental theme that played in the Wild Wacky Action Bike & Alabama Man commercials]
Singer

(over the Braniff Airlines logo) Bye bye buh-buh-buh-buh-buh chicken!

End of Chinpokomon


  310: "Chinpokomon" edit
Story Elements

JapanChinpokomon video gameEmperor HirohitoWild Wacky Action BikeChinpokomon Dolls

Media

ImagesScriptExtrasWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season

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